Posted tagged ‘Megyn Kelly jokes’

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Ticket to ride?

May 18, 2016

Dear Gawd. This actual tweet from Texas Gov. Greg Abbott. “JFK wanted to send a man to the moon. Obama wants to send a man to the women’s restroom. We must get our country back on track. ”
Well, I can think of one man I’d love to send to the moon. And Abbott can take Ted Cruz with him.

 

Dikembe Mutombo tweeted out congratulations to the 76ers on winning the NBA draft lottery. Before the lottery happened.  Well this  should do wonders for the rumors that it’s all fixed.

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Nancy Armour writing in USA Today says “Ban countries that dope from Olympics.” Well, that’s one way to get this upcoming mess of a Rio games cancelled.

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Alabama star LT Cam Robinson along with DB Hootie Jones were arrested this a.m. Both were charged with marijuana possession but Robinson, a potential top-draft pick, also with “felony illegal possession of stolen firearms.” Yep, he’s NFL ready all right.

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Maine got slammed with 4-7 inches of snow yesterday. And in Denver they’re going, aw, we can probably beat that. ‪#‎snowinJune‬?

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A self-proclaimed mother of 12 has posted a video of herself walking through Target with a bible saying that the chain doesn’t protect mothers and children etc….. So I missed the videos where she was protesting the Duggars. And the Catholic church.

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The IOC has opened disciplinary proceedings against 31 athletes from 12 countries just found to have been doping when their samples were retested from the 2008 Beijing games. The IOC President’s said it sends a “powerful message to the cheats.” Right. Always use the most cutting edge drugs

 

So some are outraged because OKC’s Steven Adams, who is from New Zealand, referred to Curry and Thompson as “quick little monkeys.” He also quickly apologized. But does anyone think Adams would deliberately say that as a slur, playing on a team that is mostly African American? (And Klay is actually biracial.) ‪#‎PCoverload‬

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Donald Trump said he’d be willing to speak to Kim Jong Un. At the same time he’s insulting UK Prime Minister David Cameron. If this were a proposed movie script it would be rejected as too far fetched

 

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Donald Trump also said his income last year was exceeded $557 million. And heck, aren’t all Americans on the honor system about their income with the IRS?

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#‎TrumpKelly‬ interview tonight on Fox. Proving again that whatever divides us as Americans, people can be brought together by love of $$$$.

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After game 1 of the Eastern Conference finals Canada is going, well we still have Justin Trudeau and your potential leaders are….  ‪#‎TORvsCLE‬

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MLB bans ‪#‎Odor‬ 8 games, ‪#‎Bautista‬ for 1. So if you want to take someone out in baseball, use your legs not your hands.

 

Ben Simmons apparently is hoping to be drafted by the Lakers so that he can get a bigger shoe deal. Sounds like a perfect fit for Los Angeles with that team-oriented basketball they practiced so well at the end of Kobe’s career.

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And never say never.  Even so guessing that Ben Simmons is NEVER going to be a Spur.

 

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Fear and loathing

January 26, 2016

Donald Trump is now saying he will “definitely” skip Thursday’s GOP debate on Fox. So this man thinks he can stand up to America’s enemies, and he can’t even stand up to Megyn Kelly?

 

Donald Trump & Sarah Palin have done so much for Megyn Kelly & Tina Fey’s careers/earning potential they could almost ask for royalties?

 

 

Unclear on the concept – Trump says he doesn’t want to debate because Megyn Kelly is a “lightweight.” Uh, to use a sports analogy, no NBA team is upset this year to see the Lakers or 76ers next on their schedule.

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Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio has endorsed Donald Trump for President. Well, of course he did. Assume the self-styled “America’s Toughest Sheriff” has designs on being Attorney General?

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And now John Rocker is endorsing Trump. Wow. Anyone heard from Archie Bunker lately?

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Missouri QB Maty Mauk has been suspended from the football program for the third time since September. The first was a violation of team rules, the second after a dispute in a bar, and this time after a video surfaced of him allegedly smoking cocaine. Even Johnny Manziel is thinking “Dude, get it together.”

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Tom Delay is claiming the FBI is “ready to indict” Hillary Clinton. Well, I guess Delay does consider himself an expert on indictments.

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Los Angeles Clippers forward Blake Griffin reportedly fractured his hand during an argument with a member of the team’s equipment staff.  So was the injury during the fight itself, or when the guy moved towards Griffin and Blake flopped?

 

Peyton Manning reportedly told Bill Belichick after the AFC Championship that this *(Super Bowl) might be my last rodeo.” And Belichick no doubt was thinking “We expected THIS game to be your last rodeo.”

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In a week the first 2016 Presidential caucuses will be over. And then we can go back to not caring about Iowa for four years.

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Reports of hearing gunshots at Naval Medical Center San Diego apparently were a false alarm. But now everyone at the Center will be banned from playing “Call of Duty” without the sound muted.

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The SF 49ers hired as their new defensive coordinator the Browns’ Jim O’Neill. So no one told them Cleveland’s only good defensive performance last year was against San Francisco?

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New York Jets lineman Sheldon Richardson was placed on 2 years probation after pleading guilty to reduced charges stemming from a July police chase in St. Louis. He allegedly drove up to 143 mph, resisted arrest, and was found to have a loaded handgun under the floor mat. Police also detected a “strong marijuana” odor in the car.
Richardson served a four-game suspension this year for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy. but his lawyer doesn’t expect additional discipline.
Once again, it’s part of the league’s strict “12 strikes and you’re out” policy.

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Today’s Darwin nominee: Michigan police say a man who killed in a single car rollover accident in Detroit wasn’t wearing pants and was watching porn while driving. Women are going “How appalling stupid can you be?” Men are going “You can do that?”

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Breaking news that Oregon protest leader Ammon Bundy and others have been arrested; 1 person is reportedly dead. ‪#‎Ifonlytheywerearmed‬…. no, wait, never mind.

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In Kentucky, a federal judge has ruled that the state cannot deny millions of $$ in a tourism tax incentive to a religious group building a Noah’s Ark attraction, citing First Amendment grounds. Alrighty then, who’s ready to join me in supporting a Wiccan theme park? Or “Atheist World?” Or heck, why not “Mecca Land?”

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Troubled water?

August 12, 2015

In an effort to conserve water, Los Angeles poured almost 100,000 four-inch black plastic “shade” balls over their reservoir. So the city doesn’t have the Raiders yet, but the “black hole” is ready

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This Donald Trump-Megyn Kelly back and forth bickering is getting so bad, you’d think they used to be married to each other.

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So since Fox News got such kudos for the tough questions at the first GOP debate, clearly the pressure is on CNN for October with the Democrats. And since he’s not doing anything, can I suggest as a moderator Jon Stewart?

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Billy Joel, 66, and his wife Alexa, 33, have welcomed their first child, Della Rose. Wonder how long until Billy and Della can compete in their first father-daughter diaper derby.

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Uzbekistan Airways says they will start weighing passengers at the airport, and on some flights they may need to “exclude” larger passengers. U.S airlines are no doubt studying the idea, not to exclude heavier travelers but to charge them extra.

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Not that it affects me anymore, but what is this “back-to-school” crap in mid-August? Used to be Labor Day. Seems un-American to make kids go to class in the summer. ‪#‎justsayin‬

 

Donald Trump said that when Bernie Sanders let ‪#‎BlackLivesMatter‬ protesters take his microphone that Sanders “showed that he’s weak.” As opposed to the Donald himself whose mantra is simply ‪#‎MyLifeMatters‬.

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The Buffalo Bills have claimed IK Enemkpali off waivers after he was released by the Jets for punching Geno Smith. Guess coach Rex Ryan just wants to make sure he has one defender who can hit?

 

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An ESPN poll of more than 100 currently players found that 72% believe that Brady and the Patriots deflated footballs, but only 58% DON’T believe the Patriots cheat. Translation, sounds like there are a lot of teams messing with balls.

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An SF 49ers season ticket holder is suing the team over a new policy which makes it harder on fans trying to sell unused tickets by requiring most sales to go through Ticketmaster.

Wonder how long it might take for 49ers season ticket holder to sue the team over it being harder to sell unused  tickets because of the product on the field.

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Major layoffs have started with the Kraft-Heinz merger. Hope Heinz 57 isn’t a goal for remaining number of employees.

 

Seriously hoping for the best for ‪#‎JimmyCarter‬.. Absolutely our best ex-president. No joke.

 

Lots of accolades for former President Jimmy Carter today after his cancer announcement. But for those who just think Habitat for Humanity and vague do-good human rights stuff, four words – google “Carter guinea worm.”

 

From Bill Littlejohn, “So now, we have a wild controversy involving Donald Trump and Megyn Kelly of Fox News.With all of that hairspray involved, shouldn’t the NFL also be investigating a helmet-to-helmet collision.”

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Santa Clause?

December 15, 2013

 

All of this controversy over a “white” label. Hey, it only involves a fictional character who many grownups don’t believe in anyway. But enough about Megyn Kelly

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If “affluenza” and parents who don’t set limits is a reason to avoid prison, shouldn’t “poorenza” and not having parents around to set limits qualify as the same excuse?

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Snow and sleet at Army-Navy game. Otherwise known this year as “Super Bowl Practice.”

 

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Only missed the Mega Millions jackpot by six numbers last night. And I didn’t even play..

 

 

Rumor has it Khloe Kardashian might be dating Matt Kemp. “What a shame that the Dodgers might have to deal with all that distraction” said absolutely no one in San Francisco.

 

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Nick Saban got a $7 million a year contract extension. Imagine how much he could have gotten if the Alabama coach hadn’t gotten stupid with fighting for that second on the clock to attempt a 60 yard field goal.

 

Internal ESPN memo (no joke) “Recently, there have been numerous incidents in which the word “sucks” has been used on our air. This word is simply not appropriate for ESPN.” Well, except where Dallas is concerned.

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Figures. Yesterday new Texas AD said of football coach Mack Brown “Hopefully we’ll get together, be able to work for many years to come.” Today Brown officially resigned. To be fair, Patterson didn’t say what he hoped they worked together on..

 

Wonder how many of those trumpeting the “War on Christmas” are the same ones oohing and aahing over all those ads suggesting luxury cars as gifts?

 

 

FSU QB Jameis Winston has as expected won the Heisman. Only a freshman, Winston has demonstrated his NFL readiness with a police investigation BEFORE he turned pro.

 

 

 

Pope Francisco told an Italian newspaper that he is not a Marxist. “But I have met many Marxists in my life who are good people, so I don’t feel offended.” He might have added “most of the people attacking me would also call Jesus a Marxist.”

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I’m dreaming of a white Santa?

December 13, 2013

Megyn Kelly missed her own show last night after ‘white’ Santa and Jesus comments. Thinking maybe somebody got put on the cosmic “naughty’ list.

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Regarding Megyn Kelly’s “Santa is white” line, hard to top Jon Stewart’s analysis: “And who are you actually talking to?” Children who are sophisticated enough to be watching a news channel at 10 o’clock at night, yet innocent enough to still believe Santa Claus is real — yet racist enough to be freaked out if he isn’t white?”

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Even if “affluenza” is a description, it’s no excuse for spoiled entitled behavior by the rich. But the diagnosis also might be a good way to describe when wealthy people have a complete aversion to any sort of tax hike.

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Just wondering, will be covered under Obamacare?

 

 

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Ted Cruz is apparently running for President in 2016. This is great news, for comedy writers.

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So in North Korea would the Army Navy game be a version of the Hunger Games?

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MLB will ban home-plate collisions when runners are trying to score. And the Chicago Cubs are thinking “what are they talking about?”

 

Move over “God is Testing Me” RGIII, there’s a new winner in the perspective bowl: Kanye West – “I’m just giving of my body on the stage and putting my life at risk, literally. And if I slipped … You never know. And I think about it. I think about my family and I’m like ‘Wow, this is like being a police officer or something, in war or something.’”

 

Robinson Cano said he left NY because “I didn’t feel respect. I didn’t get respect from them and I didn’t see any effort.” The Yankees offer, $175 million over seven years. How do I get disrespected like that?

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Strange to have some bipartisan accord this Christmas in Washington. But for fans of train wrecks, at least there’s still the Redskins.-

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According to FlightStats, more than 9% of arrivals from January through November of this year for American, JetBlue and United were more than 45 minutes late. Shocking. Over 90% of flights were allegedly LESS than 45 minutes late.

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Apparently only the shooter himself is dead in a Colorado High School shooting this morning, following upon several stabbings in the parking lot after the Broncos game last night. But what’s going on? Is Colorado making a last minute push to beat out Florida, Arizona or Texas for “Crazy State of the Year??

 

 

Notre Dame has readmitted Everett Golson, and he will be able to play next year. The QB was suspended from the school this fall for “poor academic judgment” (i.e. cheating on a test.) No doubt the Fighting Irish took Golson’s admission of guilt and contrition into account, that and the team’s four loss season.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “A U.S. Congress bipartisan agreement  on the budget has been reached,preventing a shutdown of everything signifigant in Washington, D.C. except Robert Griffin III”

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