Posted tagged ‘affluenza jokes’

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Birdbrains?

January 20, 2016

#‎SarahPalin‬ has endorsed ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬. Well, narcissists of a feather…..

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Or maybe Palin just likes Trump’s style, between his bankruptcies and divorces, Donald has does a fair share of quitting himself.

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Not that I am a fan of the Patriots nor their QB, but Broncos DE Antonio Smith says Brady’s a crybaby because “I’ve never seen any quarterback look to the referee right after he gets sacked.more” So instead of Brady whining to the ref, Smith is whining to the media? ‪#‎potmeetkettle‬

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So forecasters are predicting a major storm MIGHT dump over a foot of snow on the East Coast. Or it might not . “Depending on where this tracks, we could see a ton of snow or we could see nothing,” said National Weather Service Kevin Kacan.
But why let possibilities get in the way of a good media panic-fest?

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Airline brilliance in action: Have a client on an American flight, at airport hours early, wide-open earlier flight, and they say $75 to get on it. Whereas the flight he is on, with a decent seat, is more full, and has no aisles left, so they could at least resell the seat assignment. And these carriers wonder why people hate them.

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Sarah Palin’s 26-year-old divorced son Track was arrested last night for allegedly punching and kicking his girlfriend, while apparently waving a gun around. ‪#‎familyvalues‬ ‪#‎ifonlySHEwerearmed‬

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Donald Trump seems unconcerned about his referring to a line from the bible as “Two Corinthians” rather than “Second Corinthians.” Although it does seem with Trumps followers that he could say Jesus married Mary Magdalene and they’d shrug it off too.

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More on the Donald’s and his Corinthians (“Two”vs. “Second”). You would think that someone who has been married as often as Trump would remember how it goes. Because “First Corinthians” is quoted at so many weddings “Love is patient, love is kind…

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The President of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences says she is “heartbroken and frustrated” about this year’s nominees, and they will “dramatic steps to alter the makeup of our membership.” So it just occurred to them that 94% Caucasian and 77% male with an average age of 62 isn’t great for diversity?

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Okay, now ‪#‎affluenza‬ teen Ethan Couch’s lawyer is claiming his client may have been taken “involuntarily to Mexico.” Right, as if that young man would pay attention to any adult, including his mother.

 

 

The password management company SplashData has come up with a list of the most popular passwords. Numbers 1-6 are, in order, 123456, password, 12345678, qwerty, 12345, and 123456789.

Thinking if you have any of those, you’re eligible for the hacking equivalent of a Darwin award.

 

An Italian surgeon is seeking donations to perform the world’s first ever human head transplant. No shortage of opportunities no doubt for head volunteers – based on some recent polls seems certain a lot of Americans aren’t using theirs.

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Although, whatever you think of this election it will be a very nice change when the front-runners are actually decided by actual VOTES, as opposed to polls. For what it’s worth, in both England and Canada’s recent elections pollsters were badly wrong. And for that matter, they didn’t do that well on last fall’s U.S. elections either.

 

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Born lucky?

January 9, 2016

“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” has now made Harrison Ford the highest-grossing actor in US box office history. Of course, the way this franchise is going, #2 might be the guy who plays Chewbacca.

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Florida congressman Alan Grayson says he will sue over Canadian-born Ted Cruz’s eligibility to be President if Cruz wins the GOP presidential nomination. And somewhere in D.C.Barack Obama is just giggling.

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Justin Bieber was kicked out of the archaeological site, Tulum, after he reportedly showed up with beer cans, tried to climb off-limits ruins, and took a selfie with his underpants down. Following upon the antics of Ethan Couch, Mexico’s going to start thinking seriously about that border fence. ‪#‎affluenza‬

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The “Affluenza” teen’s mom Tonya Couch has according to a Texas sheriff, “expressed a slight displeasure about her accommodations” in jail. “I feel so sorry for her,” said absolutely, positively, nobody.

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Texas Governor Greg Abbott now wants to amend the U.S. Constitution so that states can ignore the Federal government. Fine, does that also mean the Feds are off the hook for those states’ disaster relief?

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Prolia, a drug to fight osteoporosis in post-menopausal women, does television commercials with the usual laundry-list of fine print warnings. Including this one – “do not take Prolia if you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant.” ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬

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The stock market just had its worst week ever to start a year. But the jobs report said the U.S. added 2.65 million jobs in 2015, its 2nd best year since 1999. So I think I’ve figured it out: The former is all Obama’s fault, the latter had nothing to do with him

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A man who ate nothing but Chipotle for 186 days says he has cut back to occasional meals there now. Who knew, these days McDonald’s seems like the healthy option?

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Chris Christie, who in 1995 campaigned for NJ State Senate as a supporter of an assault weapons ban. Now he says he’s “changed his mind.”
You know, I’d believe these folks a little more if they ever changed their minds in a way that didn’t put them more in line with their party’s base.

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DeSean Jackson on the Eagles’ firing coach Chip Kelly: “I’m a firm believer that bad karma comes back on you.” And so will Ms. Karma make sure Kelly ends up with the 49ers next?

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As of Jan 1, licensed gun owners in Texas can now openly carry guns into state mental hospitals. Your move, Florida. ‪#‎whatcouldpossiblygowrong‬

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#ElChapo‬ has been caught again in Mexico. Too soon to start a pool on the date of his next jail break?

 

But really, so they are putting El Chapo back into the exact last jail he escaped from? Even in Florida they are saying “Are you nuts?”

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Maine Governor Paul LePage, ranting about Maine’s drug problem and blaming traffickers: “These are guys with the name D-Money, Smoothie, Shifty … they come from Connecticut and NY, they come up here, they sell their heroin, they go back home ..half the time they impregnate a young, white girl before they leave, which is a real sad thing because then we have another issue we have to deal with down the road.”

Wow., that’s offensive enough you have to wonder if LePage has dreams of being Trump’s running mate.

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Proof is not in the pudding?

December 31, 2015

Bill Cosby has been released on $1 million bail after being arrested on a 2004 sexual assault charge. Looks like it’s going to be a long trial of “He Said – “She She She She She She She She She She Said.”

 

ESPN reports that Cal quarterback Jared Goff will announce tomorrow that he will enter the NFL draft. Of course, if Goff ends up with the SF 49ers it may be a lateral move.

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If there was any doubt that Stephen ‪#‎Curry‬ should be leading the ‪#‎NBA‬ ‪#‎MVP‬ vote at this point, the Warriors removed it Wednesday night against Dallas.

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Johnny Manziel apparently reported to on Wednesday with “concussion-like” symptoms and is being evaluated. So he could miss the Browns’ final game Sunday. Hmm, am I the only one who wonders about the similarity between symptoms of concussions and hangovers?

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Chip Kelly is gone, but 49ers head coach says “I’m going to coach until somebody tells me I’m not.” Too soon to start a pool…?

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About 20 passengers on an Air Canada flight from China to Toronto were injured by turbulence today. Want to bet at least 19 of them decided they didn’t need to be wearing their seatbelts?

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The FAA is investigating after Alaska Airlines accidentally landed a plane on a taxiway instead of a runway at Seattle Airport. Damned Apple maps.

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Lots of talk about Colin Kaepernick and where he will be next year, but as one analyst said, with that kind of arm there will always be some team that thinks they can fix him. So basically Kap has become the football equivalent of a left-handed pitcher.

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“Affluenza” teen Ethan Couch is fighting extradition back to the United States. Hmm, so how much do we have to pay Mexico to keep him?

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Authorities are sending ‪#‎Affluenza‬ mom Tonya Couch back to the U.S. where she faces up to 10 years for helping her son escape. While Ethan himself is looking at only 120 days for a probation violation. Why do I get the sense he’ll end up doing something to reunite himself with mom in jail in no time?

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Microsoft has a new “selfie” app – which “takes age, gender, skin tone, lighting, and many other variables into account, applies different models automatically and finishes enhancement with just a single click.” So it’s supposed to IMPROVE your picture; clearly this is aimed at a generation with little experience of Windows.

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Rand Paul is attacking Chris Christie, saying the Gov.has spent “219 days outside of New Jersey” (in 2015), even though he “signed a law requiring NJ public employees to be residents and spend majority of their time there.”
To be fair, maybe most residents of New Jersey prefer it when Christie is out of state.

 

Reserve Alabama cornerback has been sent home from the Cotton Bowl by Nick Saban for a “violation of team rules,” Proving once again that coach Saban can be a strict disciplinarian. As long as a reserve player and not a starter is involved.

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Now for a serious thought, for a change.  Re Clinton and Trump: No one including me is denying that Bill Clinton is a tomcat and has behaved badly over sex. But there is a difference to my mind between Bill’s zipper problem and Trump’s flat-out insulting and hateful attitude towards women – “all of the women on “The Apprentice” flirted with me—consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” And calling a woman lawyer who needed to take a break to pump breast milk “disgusting.”

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Muslim druids?

September 5, 2014

President Obama made an unscheduled stop at Stonehenge after a visit to Wales. How long until we see the Fox News headlines “Obama is a druid.”?

 

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The NY Daily News reports that the father of the 9 year-old girl who accidentally shot her instructor with an Uzi is a New Jersey “wealth adviser” who oversees more than $1.0 billion in investments. Proving again that money can’t buy common sense. #affluenza

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Apparently Washington Redskins merchandise sales are down this year with all the controversy. Of course, if the team really wants to sell the stuff, have them change the name, and then all the Redskins’ merchandise remaining becomes collector’s items.

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Johnny Manziel has filed for yet another trademark, this time “Johnny Cleveland.” At this rate he may end up the only QB with more trademarks than NFL passing touchdowns.

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FSU has apparently just begun an investigation into the 2012 rape accusations against Jameis Winston. And no doubt they will finish the investigation within a year after Winston heads to the NFL.

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From Bill Littlejohn  “So if the Saints put a bounty on Wes Welker, do they call it a ‘Molly Hatchet’?

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CNN headlines are all about the unresponsive mystery plane that crashed off the coast of Jamaica. Now, while this is a sad story, apparently it was a small private aircraft with only two people aboard. But at least CNN knows where the plane is.

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Kim Kardashian, in a British magazine interview, denies that there will ever be another leaked sex tape. “I never want to make the same mistake twice.” Well, yeah, next time she’ll sell i

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Hillary Clinton hasn’t officially made a decision about running for President, but she’s made a decision about the decision: “I am going to be making a decision around, probably after the first of the year about whether I am going to run again.” “Geez, can you make up your mind already” responded Brett Favre.

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Hertz at Heathrow Airport charges 62.00 UKL for a week to rent a car, and 70 UKL additional to have a second person drive the car. Clearly car rental agencies are learning from the airlines.

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You may not root for Jake Peavy. But going back to pick up a win you started after 2 hrs and 41 minutes is seriously #oldschool #SFGiants

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A Northern California couple was arrested after sheriff’s deputies searched their home and found large quantities of marijuana and marijuana candy, along with a loaded shotgun and handgun, all accessible to their children, ages 2 and 4. And over at the NRA, their spokesmen’s heads are exploding.

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Thursday night in College Football, Texas A&M Commerce beat East Texas Baptist, 98-20. Today no doubt East Texas Baptist’s phones are ringing of the hook with potential $1 million paydays for future games from the SEC.

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Lottery fever?

December 18, 2013

When they total U.S. retail sales this December will Mega Millions lottery tickets count?

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So were all these people rushing to buy tickets risking affluenza?

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A winning Mega Millions jackpot ticket was purchased today in San Jose. The winner might have almost enough to buy Santa Clara 49ers season tickets.

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Okay I admit it, my coworkers went in for a handful of Mega Millions tickets today, I declined. But when I heard “winning ticket sold in the South Bay,” yes, there was a second of “uh oh….”

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Channel 2 in the SF Bay Area is doing “Breaking News” on the winning “Mega Millions” ticket. So every few minutes they were  showing a live picture… of a locked up gift store in San Jose….

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Edward Snowden has written an “open letter to the people of Brazil” saying he is willing to help the country investigate U.S. surveillance of Brazilian citizens. Translation: Snowden is already tired of living in Russia.

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Eight tech officials, including CEO’s from Apple, Facebook, Yahoo and Google, wrote a letter to Obama and Congress calling for curbs to NSA surveillance. Apparently they want the surveillance left to the corporate sector.

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It may be December, but those Thanksgiving stalwarts the Dallas Cowboys and Detroit Lions apparently decided to do their giving on the field this week.

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–The Harvard bomb threat that closed several buildings on Monday was apparently emailed in by a student to administrators, police and the Harvard Crimson. The young man in question was scheduled to take an exam that day. You’d think if he had time to think of the scheme, he also had time to study.

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Urban Meyer says he’s an “awful loser. I guess I’d rather be known as that than as a good loser.” I have news for the OSU coach. He’s not known as a good winner either.

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Oregon CB Troy Hill has been suspended following his arrest last Friday for “menacing” and “criminal mischief.” Well, the Ducks may not be going to a BCS bowl, but good to see their players are still in NFL prospect form.

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Scientists at Emory University devised an algorithm using Twitter to figure out how various NFL fan bases deal with wins and losses. Turns out the Raiders fans have the biggest swings between happy and sad. Good thing they stuck with football, Cubs fans might have crashed the system.

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Harold Camping, the California preacher who freaked out thousands of people when he predicted the end of the world has died at age 92. So wonder if his predictive power was at least good enough to know he didn’t need to buy Christmas presents.

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Back in Texas, an advisor to Attorney General Greg Abbott tweeted earlier this fall that State Senator Wendy Davis is “too stupid to be governor.” “Too stupid to be governor” of Texas? Didn’t think based on recent history that was possible.

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A Delta flight slid some distance off the runway last night in the snow at Madison Airport. The important question for many this time of year… did the airline at least give passengers a few extra frequent flier miles?

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The Charlotte Bobcats said they will unveil their new “Charlotte Hornets” logo Dec. 21, The team will rename itself for the 2014-15 season. Alas they will have a new name, new uniforms and the same lousy players

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Some 49ers fans plan to taunt Seahawks fan by purchasing a billboard in Seattle with pictures of the five Super Bowl trophies SF has won. Fair enough…but no doubt Seahawks fans will in turn point out that they can see the billboard on their way to home playoff games.

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Justin Bieber said during an L.A. radio interview that “After the new album, uh, I’m actually, uh, I’m retiring man, I’m retiring…” Alas, unlike Megyn Kelly, Bieber probably really WAS joking.

 

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Santa Clause?

December 15, 2013

 

All of this controversy over a “white” label. Hey, it only involves a fictional character who many grownups don’t believe in anyway. But enough about Megyn Kelly

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If “affluenza” and parents who don’t set limits is a reason to avoid prison, shouldn’t “poorenza” and not having parents around to set limits qualify as the same excuse?

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Snow and sleet at Army-Navy game. Otherwise known this year as “Super Bowl Practice.”

 

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Only missed the Mega Millions jackpot by six numbers last night. And I didn’t even play..

 

 

Rumor has it Khloe Kardashian might be dating Matt Kemp. “What a shame that the Dodgers might have to deal with all that distraction” said absolutely no one in San Francisco.

 

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Nick Saban got a $7 million a year contract extension. Imagine how much he could have gotten if the Alabama coach hadn’t gotten stupid with fighting for that second on the clock to attempt a 60 yard field goal.

 

Internal ESPN memo (no joke) “Recently, there have been numerous incidents in which the word “sucks” has been used on our air. This word is simply not appropriate for ESPN.” Well, except where Dallas is concerned.

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Figures. Yesterday new Texas AD said of football coach Mack Brown “Hopefully we’ll get together, be able to work for many years to come.” Today Brown officially resigned. To be fair, Patterson didn’t say what he hoped they worked together on..

 

Wonder how many of those trumpeting the “War on Christmas” are the same ones oohing and aahing over all those ads suggesting luxury cars as gifts?

 

 

FSU QB Jameis Winston has as expected won the Heisman. Only a freshman, Winston has demonstrated his NFL readiness with a police investigation BEFORE he turned pro.

 

 

 

Pope Francisco told an Italian newspaper that he is not a Marxist. “But I have met many Marxists in my life who are good people, so I don’t feel offended.” He might have added “most of the people attacking me would also call Jesus a Marxist.”

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I’m dreaming of a white Santa?

December 13, 2013

Megyn Kelly missed her own show last night after ‘white’ Santa and Jesus comments. Thinking maybe somebody got put on the cosmic “naughty’ list.

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Regarding Megyn Kelly’s “Santa is white” line, hard to top Jon Stewart’s analysis: “And who are you actually talking to?” Children who are sophisticated enough to be watching a news channel at 10 o’clock at night, yet innocent enough to still believe Santa Claus is real — yet racist enough to be freaked out if he isn’t white?”

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Even if “affluenza” is a description, it’s no excuse for spoiled entitled behavior by the rich. But the diagnosis also might be a good way to describe when wealthy people have a complete aversion to any sort of tax hike.

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Just wondering, will be covered under Obamacare?

 

 

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Ted Cruz is apparently running for President in 2016. This is great news, for comedy writers.

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So in North Korea would the Army Navy game be a version of the Hunger Games?

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MLB will ban home-plate collisions when runners are trying to score. And the Chicago Cubs are thinking “what are they talking about?”

 

Move over “God is Testing Me” RGIII, there’s a new winner in the perspective bowl: Kanye West – “I’m just giving of my body on the stage and putting my life at risk, literally. And if I slipped … You never know. And I think about it. I think about my family and I’m like ‘Wow, this is like being a police officer or something, in war or something.’”

 

Robinson Cano said he left NY because “I didn’t feel respect. I didn’t get respect from them and I didn’t see any effort.” The Yankees offer, $175 million over seven years. How do I get disrespected like that?

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Strange to have some bipartisan accord this Christmas in Washington. But for fans of train wrecks, at least there’s still the Redskins.-

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According to FlightStats, more than 9% of arrivals from January through November of this year for American, JetBlue and United were more than 45 minutes late. Shocking. Over 90% of flights were allegedly LESS than 45 minutes late.

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Apparently only the shooter himself is dead in a Colorado High School shooting this morning, following upon several stabbings in the parking lot after the Broncos game last night. But what’s going on? Is Colorado making a last minute push to beat out Florida, Arizona or Texas for “Crazy State of the Year??

 

 

Notre Dame has readmitted Everett Golson, and he will be able to play next year. The QB was suspended from the school this fall for “poor academic judgment” (i.e. cheating on a test.) No doubt the Fighting Irish took Golson’s admission of guilt and contrition into account, that and the team’s four loss season.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “A U.S. Congress bipartisan agreement  on the budget has been reached,preventing a shutdown of everything signifigant in Washington, D.C. except Robert Griffin III”

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