Posted tagged ‘Mega millions jokes’

Lottery fever?

December 18, 2013

When they total U.S. retail sales this December will Mega Millions lottery tickets count?

So were all these people rushing to buy tickets risking affluenza?

A winning Mega Millions jackpot ticket was purchased today in San Jose. The winner might have almost enough to buy Santa Clara 49ers season tickets.

Okay I admit it, my coworkers went in for a handful of Mega Millions tickets today, I declined. But when I heard “winning ticket sold in the South Bay,” yes, there was a second of “uh oh….”

Channel 2 in the SF Bay Area is doing “Breaking News” on the winning “Mega Millions” ticket. So every few minutes they were  showing a live picture… of a locked up gift store in San Jose….

Edward Snowden has written an “open letter to the people of Brazil” saying he is willing to help the country investigate U.S. surveillance of Brazilian citizens. Translation: Snowden is already tired of living in Russia.

Eight tech officials, including CEO’s from Apple, Facebook, Yahoo and Google, wrote a letter to Obama and Congress calling for curbs to NSA surveillance. Apparently they want the surveillance left to the corporate sector.

It may be December, but those Thanksgiving stalwarts the Dallas Cowboys and Detroit Lions apparently decided to do their giving on the field this week.

The Harvard bomb threat that closed several buildings on Monday was apparently emailed in by a student to administrators, police and the Harvard Crimson. The young man in question was scheduled to take an exam that day. You’d think if he had time to think of the scheme, he also had time to study.

Urban Meyer says he’s an “awful loser. I guess I’d rather be known as that than as a good loser.” I have news for the OSU coach. He’s not known as a good winner either.

Oregon CB Troy Hill has been suspended following his arrest last Friday for “menacing” and “criminal mischief.” Well, the Ducks may not be going to a BCS bowl, but good to see their players are still in NFL prospect form.

Scientists at Emory University devised an algorithm using Twitter to figure out how various NFL fan bases deal with wins and losses. Turns out the Raiders fans have the biggest swings between happy and sad. Good thing they stuck with football, Cubs fans might have crashed the system.

Harold Camping, the California preacher who freaked out thousands of people when he predicted the end of the world has died at age 92. So wonder if his predictive power was at least good enough to know he didn’t need to buy Christmas presents.

Back in Texas, an advisor to Attorney General Greg Abbott tweeted earlier this fall that State Senator Wendy Davis is “too stupid to be governor.” “Too stupid to be governor” of Texas? Didn’t think based on recent history that was possible.

A Delta flight slid some distance off the runway last night in the snow at Madison Airport. The important question for many this time of year… did the airline at least give passengers a few extra frequent flier miles?

The Charlotte Bobcats said they will unveil their new “Charlotte Hornets” logo Dec. 21, The team will rename itself for the 2014-15 season. Alas they will have a new name, new uniforms and the same lousy players

Some 49ers fans plan to taunt Seahawks fan by purchasing a billboard in Seattle with pictures of the five Super Bowl trophies SF has won. Fair enough…but no doubt Seahawks fans will in turn point out that they can see the billboard on their way to home playoff games.

Justin Bieber said during an L.A. radio interview that “After the new album, uh, I’m actually, uh, I’m retiring man, I’m retiring…” Alas, unlike Megyn Kelly, Bieber probably really WAS joking.



What’s a few zeros…

December 17, 2013

The Mega Millions jackpot, already at $586 million, may reach a billion before Tuesday’s drawing because of lottery fever. Right, because there are so many things you can’t buy for half a billion….

Marissa Mayer is one of several tech executives scheduled to meet with President Obama Tuesday. Because maybe her changes with Yahoo mail have made the Obamacare website look good by comparison?

Of course, there’s a good chance Obama wanted to meet with Mayer last month, but his invite got caught in Yahoo mail spam.

Starting today, San Francisco has free wi-fi on Market Street. Yet another excuse for pedestrians to walk right into traffic,,,,

A water leak filled a skyway bridge and closed one of the Terminals at San Jose Airport this morning. No word on a re-opening time, but wonder who will be the first airline to institute a pump fee.

At Harvard, fake bomb threats resulted in the evacuation of some buildings and the cancellation of some final exams. And in the SEC, football players preparing for bowl games asked “What are final exams?”

Dez Bryant said the reason he left the field early in the Cowboys’ loss to the Packers is that he didn’t want to be seen crying on the sideline. And Dallas fans are thinking “How do you think WE felt?”

Why should New Jersey have a monopoly on Gubernatorial political comedy? Donald Trump now says he might run for Governor of New York next year.

Peyton Manning was named SI’s “Sportsman of the Year.”   Now, the Broncos just lost their last game and who knows about the playoffs. But maybe this year’s award should be subtitled “Biggest name star least likely to embarrass himself or get arrested.”

Ravens-Lions on MNF. Good economic stimulus. Because most of the country said “Meh, let’s go shopping.”

ESPN says that Nick Saban brought Lane Kiffin to Tuscaloosa to help evaluate the Crimson Tide offense. This could be good news. For Oklahoma.

Chip Kelly, rumored to be a candidate for the U Texas head-coaching job, said “It’s just speculation, but I’m not involved in any jobs. I’m the coach of the Philadelphia Eagles.” So given past history when Kelly announced he was staying at Oregon it will be about 10 days before he heads to Austin?

The New Orleans Saints are apparently mulling a change after Garrett Hartley missed another two field goals yesterday. Hey, Morten Andresen is only 53 now!

A 58 year old SF woman, accused of speeding at over 80 MPH on city streets in her Mercedes-Benz this September, will be charged with felony vehicular manslaughter for crashing into a minivan, and killing a 16-year-old boy. So will there be an adult “affluenza” defense? 
If it is better to give than receive, then the #DallasCowboys in the second half yesterday were the best team in the #NFL

Great ending for the Ravens with a 61 yard field goal to win at the end of the 4th quarter. Does this mean Nick Saban is more likely to bolt Alabama for the NFL?

If you are reading this at work on Monday

April 2, 2012

You didn’t win the Mega Millions.

A Kansas man bought lottery tickets Thursday and joked to an friend about having “a better chance of getting struck by lightning” than winning. Then he survived after being hit by lightning that same night. (And, no, he didn’t win the lottery.) Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

Great year for Stanford women’s basketball. But against Baylor tonight they were .333 (20-60) on field goals, and .118 (2-17) on 3 pointers. Condoleeza Rice was in attendance… did she inspire the team to shoot like Dick Cheney?

Congrats to Baylor’s Kim Mulkey for being named the AP women’s college basketball Coach of the Year. Her recipe for success – start with a 6’8″ center who can dunk.

Congrats to the Notre Dame women, into the NCAA women’s championship game. But those lime green shirts their fans are wearing make Oregon football uniforms look good.

After the University of Kentucky defeated rival Louisville, fans took to the streets in Lexington setting dozens of fires and flipping over at least one car. A police spokeswoman said nothing happened that wasn’t anticipated and that police were “very pleased.” Yikes, wonder what’s “anticipated” if the Wildcats win it all on Monday.

Petrotrin, Trinidad’s state-owned petroleum company. announced it has discovered 48 million barrels of crude oil off the island’s southwest coast. Wonder who will be the first GOP candidate calling for the invasion of Trinidad.

John Calipari has another team into the NCAA championship. So the two big questions for the game. Will Kentucky steamroll Kansas or fall short? And if the Wildcats win, how long will it take the NCAA to talk about them vacating the title?

Pundits are saying that Mitt Romney seems to be increasingly inevitable as the GOP presidential candidate. And most Republicans are as excited about that as they are about death and taxes.

SF manager Bruce Bochy said Barry Zito won’t return to the Bay Area with the team, but will stay in Arizona for a few days in hopes he can tweak his delivery. Giants fans are thinking, that’s fine. Can he stay until, say June?

NJ Gov. Chris Christie told Oprah last week that he would be “much more ready four years from now” to run for president. Sounds like Christie doesn’t think he’ll be running against a Republican incumbent.

Adam Sandler’s “Jack and Jill” swept the Razzies this year, “winning” the worst award in all 10 categories. Is it too soon to bet on a similar sweep for “John Carter” in 2013?

A security breach at Global Payments, a credit card payment processor for Visa, Mastercard, American Express and Discover, was first reported potentially to have exposed 10 million card holders. Now the company says it believes less than 1.5 million credit card numbers were stolen. Well, then, we all should feel so much better now?

Missed it by THAT much.

April 1, 2012

Unlike millions of Americans, Mitt Romney said yesterday he wasn’t going to buy a Mega Millions lottery ticket. Guess Mitt decided he would hold out for a really big jackpot.

The Azamara Quest is sailing slowly to Malaysia after repairs from an engine room fire that left the cruise ship temporarily disabled. Azamura Club Cruises says electricity has been restored, and all safety procedures were followed – including keeping the captain from falling into any lifeboats

Mitt Romney says winning the upcoming Wisconsin, Maryland and D.C. primaries Tuesday would be a “big statement.” But really, Romney’s problem hasn’t been the big statement, it’s been changing that statement a week later.

“Octomom” Nadya Suleman has apparently gone back on her anti-welfare statements and is now receiving $2,000 a month in food assistance from the state of California. Wonder where all the conservative pro-life protesters backing her up are on this one.

A new CNBC poll says more U.S. homes have Apple products than married couples or children. Of course, spending time with Apple products probably decreases the chances of both marriage and children.

Much buzz about the fact that whoever bought the Mega Millions winning ticket near Baltimore only bought a single “Quick Pick” ticket. Well, at odds of 175,000,000 to one, the odds on one ticket weren’t significantly lower than one in ten.

(or at least as good as that as a Ron Paul donor’s odds of their candidate winning the GOP nomination.)

Three of the four teams left in the men’s Final Four are within 200 miles of each other. (Louisville, UK, OSU) and the fourth, Kansas, is still in the Midwest. Which means the East Coast now gets to understand how most Americans feel about all those televised Red Sox Yankees games.

Jeremy Lin will have knee surgery and probably miss the rest of the NBA season. He still probably spent more time on the court for the Knicks this year than most of the men playing basketball in the NCAA Final Four have spent in classes.

At this point the only way the SF Giants may be able to get any value out of Barry Zito is to keep paying his salary and trade him to another NL West team.

Jamie Moyer can become the oldest MLB pitcher with a victory if he wins his first start of the year for the Rockies April 7. Although the game is against the Astros, so would the accomplishment have an asterisk?

Ann Coulter, trying to get Newt Gingrich out of the Presidential race, said “you can’t have two affairs and run for president.” Showing that her knowledge of history is as strong as her sense of civility.

Two scoreless innings for Guillermo Mota Saturday. So has anyone asked Bruce Bochy if he’s considered starting Mota and putting Barry Zito in long relief?

Mega Million Scraps of Paper…

March 31, 2012

Wonder how much money you would get for recycling all the non-winning lottery tickets from Friday….

For all those disappointed folks who spent money on Mega Millions and still haven’t given up on chasing the impossible dream, the Cubs are considering taking nonrefundable deposits on World Series tickets.

For the sake of the U.S. unemployment rate let’s hope that millions of Americans did not tell their bosses off on Friday in anticipation of being lottery millionaires on Monday.

The Mega Millions jackpot is up to $640 million. And President Obama may be thinking “Forget this mandate thing, we’ll come up with a system where if people buy health insurance we’ll give them a free monthly lottery ticket.”

$540 mega-million lottery Friday. Newt Gingrich wonders if winnings are community property, Rick Santorum is thinking God will decide the lucky numbers. And Mitt Romney will say that the winner needs a tax cut.

The SF Giants have a partnership with Virgin America, including a team plane, which has the Giants logo and a beard. Wonder if the New York Mets will partner with JetBlue. Both have a little trouble getting off the ground, and when they do, things can get a little crazy.

A 26 year old Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader was indicted Thursday for allegedly having sex with a student when she was a teacher a local high school. She could face up to five years in jail. The boy’s friends may face hearing him brag about it for a lifetime.

With all the “one and dones” at the top schools, shouldn’t we refer to this weekend’s Men’s NCAA Final Four as the “Championship for the NBA’s REAL D. League?”

NY GOP Congressional candidate Matt Doheny, with a fiancee back home, was allegedly seen kissing a campaign consultant in Washington, D.C. On a brighter note for his campaign, at least the consultant was female.

Aging legend Jerry Lee Lewis has married for the 7th time. Judith Brown, his new bride said “Everything just felt right. Neither of us feels like we’ve been married before.” Of course, in Lewis’s case, he now may not REMEMBER being married before.

A misdemeanor domestic battery charge against Manny Ramirez has been dropped in Florida. Apparently because his wife refuses to cooperate with the investigation. That and the fact that few believe Manny can hit anyone anymore.

Kate Winslet says hearing Celine Dion’s “My heart will go on,” makes her want to throw up. Well, that makes about 20 million and one of us.

Congrats to Jamie Moyer,49, who made the Colorado Rockies, and will now be the oldest pitcher ever on a MLB Opening Day roster. Moyer’s next challenge, to become the first pitcher whose age is a higher number than his pitch speed.

From T.C. Chong. “Jeremy Lin had lunch with fired reporter Anthony Federico today. Anthony apologized profusely for writing the now famous headline. Half an hour later, they ordered another lunch and the writer apologized again.”