Posted tagged ‘lottery jokes’

Move over grumpy cat.

January 4, 2014

 

 

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The holidays are over, it’s back to work, and how about those NFL seedings?

 

 

Gosh. Nick Saban and Urban Meyer have both lost their BCS bowls. “What a shame” said nobody.

Although the happiest  Orange Bowl vIewers tonight? Anyone who bet the over.

All of this talk in the media about what went wrong for Nick Saban and Alabama. Is it just POSSIBLE they played exactly at their level? #SECoverrated

Major mess of a snow day for the first weekend in January in the New York area. So how many of my fellow bus to hell passengers are hoping we have the same weather the first weekend in February?

 

 

Paul Walker’s death was sad. But at over 100 mph on city streets, can we chalk it up to another DUIT – Driving Under the Influence of Testosterone?

Houston Texans owner Bob McNair said he is open to trading the team’s #1 pick in the NFL draft. Which is great news – for potential #1 draft picks.

 

 

Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston about speculation that FSU coach Jimbo Fisher would leave for Texas saying if if he “goes to Texas, I’m going to ask him can I go with you? Yeah, I’m serious. He’s my coach.” Well, that might add a few millions to the Longhorns’ offer.

Beanie Babies creator Ty Warner, 69, who pleaded guilty to stashing over $100 million in a Swiss Bank account to evade taxes has asked a judge for probation instead of prison, because he “emerged from an unhappy family and a youth devoid of educational advantages to become, through decades of hard work and extraordinary creativity, a self-made American success story.” So what is this – “adult-onset affluenza?”

You think you’re absent-minded. The California winner of the Dec. 17 Mega Millions, half of a $648 million jackpot, apparently is a delivery driver who until earlier this week, forgot he had been in San Jose and bought some tickets that day. (At least he could still find them.)

And re that winner, it’s a safe bet he’s either not married, or didn’t talk to his wife about buying tickets. Because she wouldn’t have forgotten….

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones favors expanded NFL playoffs. How expanded? Presumably just big enough for Dallas to get in every year.

 

 

 

From T.C.   Pope Francis drew a record 6.6 million people to his Vatican events in 2013. This more than double any of his predecessors. “Given numbers like that, there would not be any local TV blackout”, said the NFL.

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Color me anything but blue?

August 24, 2013

Urban Meyer has forbidden anyone – fans, media, NFL scouts -watching Ohio State football practices from wearing blue. Since blue is a Michigan color. Really, I’d have thought Meyer would worry more about people upsetting the team by wearing orange – the color of prison jumpsuits.

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A $1 million winning New York lottery ticket from August 2012, will expire today if not claimed. And many of us are still annoyed at our moms just for accidentally throwing away old baseball cards and comic books.

Following up on that story of RGIII being fined for wearing an “Operation Patience” t-shirt in practice. Turns out the Redskins QB is a repeat offender; he was fined $10,000 for wearing Adidas clothing to a post-game news conference last December, and warned after the season opener for covering up the Nike swoosh on his warm-up shirt. The horror! How many offenses for a lifetime ban?

Derek Jeter will rejoin the Yankees on Monday. The team will be thrilled to welcome him back, if for no other reason than a headline that doesn’t involve A-Rod.

Geno Smith threw three interceptions today, Mark Sanchez might be injured. Well, Tim Tebow may be available.

Anthony Weiner was involved in a three carfender-bender this morning in New York. No injuries, and so far no word as to who might have been at fault. Not that we have any reason to suspect Weiner of doing anything risky with his phone.

Todd Gloria, 35, will be the new acting mayor of San Diego. He is young, attractive, and gay. Could women feel any safer?

In Slaughter, Louisiana, police said an 8-year-old boy intentionally shot and killed his 90 year old caregiver. The statement read ” Although a motive for the shooting is unknown at this time investigators have learned that the juvenile suspect was playing a video game, ‘Grand Theft Auto IV…” Got it, guns don’t kill people, video games kill people.

A new study says that on average, single men only wash their bed sheets four times a year. Wonder how many of those single men polled responded “you wash sheets?”

 

Perhaps I need a new contact lens prescription?  Saturday night I saw a 4 on the board in the #SFGiants column in the first inning.

The AP reports that a South Brunswick, NJ man, Mario Scarnici, has come forward with one of the three winning tickets sold for the Aug. 7 Powerball drawing, and will net $62 million after taxes. They add “A telephone number for Scarnici could not be located Saturday afternoon.” Ya think?

And the winner is….

June 5, 2013

The big Powerball winner turns out to be an 84 year old Florida woman. Lottery secretary Cynthia O’Connell said she took the smaller one-time amount and turned down the 30-year payout. Ya think?

 

 

The 84 year old woman who won the $590 million Powerball said she’s thankful to the person who let her cut in front of them in line to buy a Quick Pick ticket. Chivalry may not have been dead but this just killed it.

 

 

One more thought about the winner of the Powerball lottery. She waited two weeks to come forward. Two weeks at the age of 84? That’s a significant fraction of your life as a multimillionaire.

 

“The use of steroids and amphetamines amongst today’s players has greatly subsided and is virtually nonexistent… The so-called steroid era is clearly a thing of the past.” Bud Selig, January, 2010. Uh, not exactly.

Apparently Biogenesis founder Tony Bosch asked A-Rod for financial help this Spring to fight an MLB lawsuit and was turned down. Proving probably once again, if you’re a public figure always pay off your mistresses, posse and pushers.

 

Not a great PR week for baseball. Now drug agents are apparently investigating a narcotics delivery to the home of Cleveland Indians closer Chris Perez. If true, how stupid. Aren’t you supposed to have your posse take delivery of your drugs?

 

Turns out the drug allegedly mailed to the suburban home of Cleveland closer Chris Perez was marijuana. Really? If so Perez couldn’t have just waited until the Indians’ road trip this month to Seattle?

Some cruise lines have cancelled river cruises due to high water on the Danube. And at Carnival Cruise Lines they’re thinking “Bummer for them, but at least this time it’s not us.”

You’d think Gordon Gee, 69, who is stepping down in July as Pres. of Ohio State after snide remarks about Notre Dame and the SEC, would have learned to keep his mouth shut. You would think wrong. At a press conference to explain his decision, Gee added “I’ve only got a month to ruin the university. I’ve got to get at it.”

JaMarcus Russell may be getting a tryout with the Chicago Bears. If anyone could make Bears fans long for the halcyon days of Rex Grossman….

 

Former Sen. John Edwards apparently is going to open a new law firm and specialize in personal injury. Well, if anyone’s now an expert at injuring yourself…

 

I’m sure the young man will have a great career. But the Los Angeles Dodgers are no longer undefeated in the #YasielPuig era.

If you are reading this at work on Monday

April 2, 2012

You didn’t win the Mega Millions.


A Kansas man bought lottery tickets Thursday and joked to an friend about having “a better chance of getting struck by lightning” than winning. Then he survived after being hit by lightning that same night. (And, no, he didn’t win the lottery.) Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

Great year for Stanford women’s basketball. But against Baylor tonight they were .333 (20-60) on field goals, and .118 (2-17) on 3 pointers. Condoleeza Rice was in attendance… did she inspire the team to shoot like Dick Cheney?

Congrats to Baylor’s Kim Mulkey for being named the AP women’s college basketball Coach of the Year. Her recipe for success – start with a 6’8″ center who can dunk.


Congrats to the Notre Dame women, into the NCAA women’s championship game. But those lime green shirts their fans are wearing make Oregon football uniforms look good.

After the University of Kentucky defeated rival Louisville, fans took to the streets in Lexington setting dozens of fires and flipping over at least one car. A police spokeswoman said nothing happened that wasn’t anticipated and that police were “very pleased.” Yikes, wonder what’s “anticipated” if the Wildcats win it all on Monday.

Petrotrin, Trinidad’s state-owned petroleum company. announced it has discovered 48 million barrels of crude oil off the island’s southwest coast. Wonder who will be the first GOP candidate calling for the invasion of Trinidad.

John Calipari has another team into the NCAA championship. So the two big questions for the game. Will Kentucky steamroll Kansas or fall short? And if the Wildcats win, how long will it take the NCAA to talk about them vacating the title?

Pundits are saying that Mitt Romney seems to be increasingly inevitable as the GOP presidential candidate. And most Republicans are as excited about that as they are about death and taxes.

SF manager Bruce Bochy said Barry Zito won’t return to the Bay Area with the team, but will stay in Arizona for a few days in hopes he can tweak his delivery. Giants fans are thinking, that’s fine. Can he stay until, say June?

NJ Gov. Chris Christie told Oprah last week that he would be “much more ready four years from now” to run for president. Sounds like Christie doesn’t think he’ll be running against a Republican incumbent.

Adam Sandler’s “Jack and Jill” swept the Razzies this year, “winning” the worst award in all 10 categories. Is it too soon to bet on a similar sweep for “John Carter” in 2013?

A security breach at Global Payments, a credit card payment processor for Visa, Mastercard, American Express and Discover, was first reported potentially to have exposed 10 million card holders. Now the company says it believes less than 1.5 million credit card numbers were stolen. Well, then, we all should feel so much better now?

Missed it by THAT much.

April 1, 2012

Unlike millions of Americans, Mitt Romney said yesterday he wasn’t going to buy a Mega Millions lottery ticket. Guess Mitt decided he would hold out for a really big jackpot.

The Azamara Quest is sailing slowly to Malaysia after repairs from an engine room fire that left the cruise ship temporarily disabled. Azamura Club Cruises says electricity has been restored, and all safety procedures were followed – including keeping the captain from falling into any lifeboats

Mitt Romney says winning the upcoming Wisconsin, Maryland and D.C. primaries Tuesday would be a “big statement.” But really, Romney’s problem hasn’t been the big statement, it’s been changing that statement a week later.

“Octomom” Nadya Suleman has apparently gone back on her anti-welfare statements and is now receiving $2,000 a month in food assistance from the state of California. Wonder where all the conservative pro-life protesters backing her up are on this one.

A new CNBC poll says more U.S. homes have Apple products than married couples or children. Of course, spending time with Apple products probably decreases the chances of both marriage and children.

Much buzz about the fact that whoever bought the Mega Millions winning ticket near Baltimore only bought a single “Quick Pick” ticket. Well, at odds of 175,000,000 to one, the odds on one ticket weren’t significantly lower than one in ten.

(or at least as good as that as a Ron Paul donor’s odds of their candidate winning the GOP nomination.)

Three of the four teams left in the men’s Final Four are within 200 miles of each other. (Louisville, UK, OSU) and the fourth, Kansas, is still in the Midwest. Which means the East Coast now gets to understand how most Americans feel about all those televised Red Sox Yankees games.

Jeremy Lin will have knee surgery and probably miss the rest of the NBA season. He still probably spent more time on the court for the Knicks this year than most of the men playing basketball in the NCAA Final Four have spent in classes.

At this point the only way the SF Giants may be able to get any value out of Barry Zito is to keep paying his salary and trade him to another NL West team.

Jamie Moyer can become the oldest MLB pitcher with a victory if he wins his first start of the year for the Rockies April 7. Although the game is against the Astros, so would the accomplishment have an asterisk?

Ann Coulter, trying to get Newt Gingrich out of the Presidential race, said “you can’t have two affairs and run for president.” Showing that her knowledge of history is as strong as her sense of civility.

Two scoreless innings for Guillermo Mota Saturday. So has anyone asked Bruce Bochy if he’s considered starting Mota and putting Barry Zito in long relief?

Mega Million Scraps of Paper…

March 31, 2012

Wonder how much money you would get for recycling all the non-winning lottery tickets from Friday….

For all those disappointed folks who spent money on Mega Millions and still haven’t given up on chasing the impossible dream, the Cubs are considering taking nonrefundable deposits on World Series tickets.

For the sake of the U.S. unemployment rate let’s hope that millions of Americans did not tell their bosses off on Friday in anticipation of being lottery millionaires on Monday.

The Mega Millions jackpot is up to $640 million. And President Obama may be thinking “Forget this mandate thing, we’ll come up with a system where if people buy health insurance we’ll give them a free monthly lottery ticket.”

$540 mega-million lottery Friday. Newt Gingrich wonders if winnings are community property, Rick Santorum is thinking God will decide the lucky numbers. And Mitt Romney will say that the winner needs a tax cut.

The SF Giants have a partnership with Virgin America, including a team plane, which has the Giants logo and a beard. Wonder if the New York Mets will partner with JetBlue. Both have a little trouble getting off the ground, and when they do, things can get a little crazy.

A 26 year old Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader was indicted Thursday for allegedly having sex with a student when she was a teacher a local high school. She could face up to five years in jail. The boy’s friends may face hearing him brag about it for a lifetime.

With all the “one and dones” at the top schools, shouldn’t we refer to this weekend’s Men’s NCAA Final Four as the “Championship for the NBA’s REAL D. League?”

NY GOP Congressional candidate Matt Doheny, with a fiancee back home, was allegedly seen kissing a campaign consultant in Washington, D.C. On a brighter note for his campaign, at least the consultant was female.

Aging legend Jerry Lee Lewis has married for the 7th time. Judith Brown, his new bride said “Everything just felt right. Neither of us feels like we’ve been married before.” Of course, in Lewis’s case, he now may not REMEMBER being married before.

A misdemeanor domestic battery charge against Manny Ramirez has been dropped in Florida. Apparently because his wife refuses to cooperate with the investigation. That and the fact that few believe Manny can hit anyone anymore.

Kate Winslet says hearing Celine Dion’s “My heart will go on,” makes her want to throw up. Well, that makes about 20 million and one of us.

Congrats to Jamie Moyer,49, who made the Colorado Rockies, and will now be the oldest pitcher ever on a MLB Opening Day roster. Moyer’s next challenge, to become the first pitcher whose age is a higher number than his pitch speed.

From T.C. Chong. “Jeremy Lin had lunch with fired reporter Anthony Federico today. Anthony apologized profusely for writing the now famous ESPN.com headline. Half an hour later, they ordered another lunch and the writer apologized again.”

The Past is Gone…..

March 30, 2012

Because we cannot remember it?

Aerosmith is touring again. Not to say the band is getting old, but their opening song may be “Walker this way.”

Stanford 75 – Minnesota 51. Go figure. Not only was the Cardinal in the regular season not good enough to make the NCAA’s, they weren’t even close to the best Pac 12 team in the NIT.

Jeremy Lin now says he “absolutely” believes divine intervention was at work in creating “Lin-sanity.” Which s basically what Tim Tebow says about his own success last fall. So what’s up now? Is God scouting MLB spring training for His/Her next project?

Former Maryland coach Gary Williams told Washington radio station he thought the Kentucky Wildcats could beat the NBA’s Washington Wizards. Heck, these days the Washington Generals could beat the Washington Wizards.

For comedy-writers trying to write bipartisan jokes, happy days are here again – Joe Biden is back on the campaign trail. Today referring to community college president Dr. Terry Paper in Iowa as “Dr. Pepper.”

Millions of Americans are lining up to buy tickets for the $540 Mega Millions jackpot this Friday. Makes sense, these are the same people voting for politicians who promise lower taxes with zero cuts in services they care about.

Omar Vizquel, 44, has made the Blue Jays roster for 2012. Jamie Moyer is sending his congratulations, adding “Omar is such a hardworking young man.”

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A company (J &D’s Foods) claims on their website that they are actually making a bacon coffin. “This genuine bacon casket is made of 18 Gauge Gasketed Steel with Premium Bacon Exterior/Interior.” Makes a certain amount of sense – be buried in what put you in the ground in the first place.

A 29 year-old man was caught at Philadelphia Airport with fireworks in his carryon bag. Apparently it was determined he is not a terrorist. But wonder if they charged him with felony stupidity.

The Donald, presumably bored with 2012, is predicting the next Democratic presidential primary, and saying “Hillary Clinton, I think, is a terrific woman. I just like her. I like her and I like her husband.” Is he angling for Clinton-Trump 2016?

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One problem facing Americans today is that it’s hard to tell the real news from the satire. (As in, is it the mainstream media, or the Onion?)

The Marlins just released Aaron Rowand. Which means he’ll be getting about as many big hits for Miami as he did last year for the San Francisco Giants.

Newt Gingrich apparently met secretly with Mitt Romney on Saturday. It could have been to talk about the race. Or maybe since Newt has been married now to his third wife Callista for 12 years, he just missed having secret meetings.