Posted tagged ‘RGIII jokes’

Best of the best?

August 17, 2015

Robert Griffin III just said, “I feel like I’m the best quarterback in the league, and I have to go out and show that.” With all due respect, RGIII first needs to show he’s the best QB on the Redskins.

New description of the GOP primary, as most of the candidates, including Carly Fiorina, seem to be trying to out macho each other – “Running of the Bullsh*t.”

KFC is switching the actor playing Colonel Sanders from SNL alum Darrell Hammond to SNL alum Norm Macdonald. Uh, just my opinion, it’s not the actor that’s the problem. ‪#‎ColonelSandersandGeneralissmoFrancisoFrancoarestilldead‬

Jon Stewart will apparently be the host of Sunday’s WWE SummerSlam. If this goes well, maybe Stewart take on some REAL spectacle fighting, like one of the Presidential debates.

United Airlines is going to change their United Club policy next year so that passengers can only enter with same-day boarding passes. Wonderful news for all those who have meetings with colleagues who have taken red-eye flights and will no longer be able to shower on arrival.

Even if it makes it harder to build a potential new stadium, Washington Redskins president Bruce Allen said that the team will not change its name. Many are wondering, could they at least take “Washington” off?

Todd Courser, the Michigan lawmaker who faked allegations of gay sex with a prostitute to cover up an affair with colleague, has posted a nearly 2000 word scripture-filled statement on his FB page.

And he talks about how men have come forward to confess their own “failures in fidelity” to him, adding ‘several have come forward to share their pain for participating in/and addicted to pornography and what that has wrought in themselves and their families. And finally a couple have come forward to express their guilt and shame for being faith filled but struggling with how to reconcile that with having homosexual tendencies and trying to reconcile that with their faith”

At this point even God somewhere is thinking “Just STFU.”

Christine Ouzounian, the ex-nanny whose rumored affair with Ben Affleck reportedly was the final straw in his marriage to Jennifer Garner , apparently is interested in becoming the next “Bachelorette.” Is her goal to prove a woman can end up as universally disliked as Juan Pablo. ‪#‎itsokay‬

Greg Oden, the 2007 #1 NBA draft pick, has signed with the Jiangsu Dragons of Chinese league. Could be a good fit. The Chinese are taught to respect their elders.

MadisonBumgarner‬ at the plate at AT&T Park in 2014-15. .304 batting average, .714 slugging percentage, 7 home runs. ‪#‎DHmyass‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

My friend Scott Russell forwarded me this from Boston: Pablo Sandoval sat out Sunday’s game with a sore elbow after he was hit by a pitch Saturday. Acting Red Sox manager Torey Lovullo: “He’s such a finely tuned athete. Those are the types of bodies we’re dealing with here. When something is a little off, we’re making sure he takes his time to get it OK before he gets back in there.”

And Lovullo said it with a straight face.

Tennis champ Novak Djokovic won the Montreal Masters despite complaining to the umpire “Someone is smoking weed, I can smell it, I’m getting dizzy.” Well, as great a player as Djokovic is, he has never been at his very best on grass.


Be careful what you wish for.

September 15, 2014

Before the Chargers’ game, Richard Sherman was bitching about Aaron Rodgers not throwing to receivers he covered: The Seattle CB said he “needed” the ball. SD QB Philip Rivers was 6-for-6 passing today for 60 yards while throwing to receivers Sherman was covering. ‪#‎Missionaccomplished‬.


Many 49ers fans who drove to tonight’s home opener were stuck for hours after the game. As opposed to the team, who apparently checked out after the third quarter. ‪#‎SF49ers‬.


Colin Kaepernick had an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for “inappropriate language.” Good thing fans couldn’t be heard talking to the television.

NFL Refs missed a SF delay of game that would have negated a 49ers TD, And missed Percy Harvey stepping out of bounds on his way to what was called a Seahawks TD.  And apparently messed up on a crucial time out call that cost the Jets a TD.  So where are all those replacement guys again?

Before today’s Dallas-Tennessee game today the Titans included the song “Fight Night” on their stadium warmup soundtrack. A song that includes the lyrics “Lil’ mamma, she keep looking at me (lil’ mama!) Im’a knock the p*ssy out like fight night. Hit it with the left Hit with the right Im’a knock the p*ssy out like fight night.”

Can’t imagine how the NFL gets the reputation for being tone deaf.

RGIII was injured in the first quarter of the Redskins-Jaguars game. Wonder if Washington will send Jacksonville a thank you note.


Greg Norman is recovering in a hospital after he nearly cut off his own hand in a chain saw accident. Apparently he had posted a picture of himself a week earlier holding that chain saw. “Time to trim the sea grapes today. Never ask someone to do something that you can do yourself.” Well, maybe not quite never.

As a New Orleans fan,  only good thing about Browns win over the Saints. At least maybe we don’t have to hear much about Johnny Manziel this year.

Texas Solicitor General Jonathan Mitchell has asked a federal appeals court to allow the state to enforce a “surgical standards” law that will close more than half of Texas’s abortion facilities. Mitchell says that “the vast majority of the state’s reproductive-age women will live within 150 miles” of the remaining clinics.

Wonder how Texas would feel about the vast majority of the state’s men living within 150 miles of pharmacies selling Viagra?

The Mets are out of the postseason, the Yankees are almost out, the Giants got solidly beaten and the Jets choked. So in New York they’re wondering “When does the Knicks preseason start?”

No comment needed. From a Baseball Hall of Fame book from 2000, with last two pages “Return to the Glory Days. The last paragraph was about 1998. “The Yankees proved that this isn’t about money, but instead about commitment, pride and joy. That is the lesson that the Yankees, McGwire and Sosa taught America- and the world – in 1998. And that is exactly what baseball fans needed to see.”




As of midnight, Yahoo still has a “spoiler alert” on their story about the new Miss America? Really? So they think there are people who care enough to have recorded the pageant and still don’t know the winner.

Are you there, God? It’s me RG.

December 11, 2013

The “sense of perspective” award for the day goes to #RGIII, who said of his benching: “It’s a tough time, and God’s testing me.”

The Giants are reportedly considering a long term contract with Pablo Sandoval based on him losing weight. Maybe it will become a thing in SF – their top sluggers not ending their careers at the same size they started out.


Inspired by my friend Jeff Klein. So what will Fox News and Rush Limbaugh make of it when President Obama shakes hands with that “Marxist” “Person of the Year” Pope Francis?


Florida prosecutors just announce they will not file domestic violence charges against George Zimmerman after his girlfriend submitted an affidavit from Samantha Scheibe saying she did not want “my boyfriend” charged. Is it too soon to start a pool on the date of George’s next arrest?

Pope Francis is Time’s “Person of the Year.” What’s more surprising? That he’s made the Papacy relevant? Or that Time is still around?



Interesting sidebar to the whole Obama-Castro handshake brouhaha. In 2012, the UN voted on a resolution to end the Cuban Embargo. The vote was 188 in favour to 3 against (United States, Israel, Palau) with 2 abstentions (Marshall Islands, the Federated States of Micronesia).


No more Sriracha can be shipped until next month because the California Dept. of Public Health is now enforcing stricter guidelines that require a 30-day hold on the product. Uh, as if any bacteria could survive a bath in the hot sauce….

The lawyer for #JameisWinston‘s accuser is apparently going to hold a press conference Friday. Guessing not a #Heisman pep rally?

NCAA President Mark Emmert said schools are still against the idea of “pay-for-play” for athletes: “There’s certainly no interest in turning college sports into the professional or semi-professional.” And Emmert said it with a straight face.


And follow up from last night.  As of tonight, Texas football coach Mack Brown is still leaving. But stay tuned.


If it’s really about being the most valuable to your team, this year’s #NFL MVP alas should probably be Aaron Rodgers.

At Fenway Park they have constructed a 20-ft high sledding and tubing ramp called “Monster Sled”, with five separate paths. Sounds like fun. But actually wouldn’t this make more sense at Wrigley? Because who better than the Cubs for
cold play with steep dropoffs

From Bill Littlejohn:  At the end of one play on Sunday, Cardinal DT Darnell Dockett deliberately stomped on the hand of Rams OT Chris Williams   .Later, Darnell  reportedly told a sportswriter, ‘So, Suh me'”


And the “aww” story of the day. In the U.S. passengers might just have asked for their plane to be on time:

Color me anything but blue?

August 24, 2013

Urban Meyer has forbidden anyone – fans, media, NFL scouts -watching Ohio State football practices from wearing blue. Since blue is a Michigan color. Really, I’d have thought Meyer would worry more about people upsetting the team by wearing orange – the color of prison jumpsuits.


A $1 million winning New York lottery ticket from August 2012, will expire today if not claimed. And many of us are still annoyed at our moms just for accidentally throwing away old baseball cards and comic books.

Following up on that story of RGIII being fined for wearing an “Operation Patience” t-shirt in practice. Turns out the Redskins QB is a repeat offender; he was fined $10,000 for wearing Adidas clothing to a post-game news conference last December, and warned after the season opener for covering up the Nike swoosh on his warm-up shirt. The horror! How many offenses for a lifetime ban?

Derek Jeter will rejoin the Yankees on Monday. The team will be thrilled to welcome him back, if for no other reason than a headline that doesn’t involve A-Rod.

Geno Smith threw three interceptions today, Mark Sanchez might be injured. Well, Tim Tebow may be available.

Anthony Weiner was involved in a three carfender-bender this morning in New York. No injuries, and so far no word as to who might have been at fault. Not that we have any reason to suspect Weiner of doing anything risky with his phone.

Todd Gloria, 35, will be the new acting mayor of San Diego. He is young, attractive, and gay. Could women feel any safer?

In Slaughter, Louisiana, police said an 8-year-old boy intentionally shot and killed his 90 year old caregiver. The statement read ” Although a motive for the shooting is unknown at this time investigators have learned that the juvenile suspect was playing a video game, ‘Grand Theft Auto IV…” Got it, guns don’t kill people, video games kill people.

A new study says that on average, single men only wash their bed sheets four times a year. Wonder how many of those single men polled responded “you wash sheets?”


Perhaps I need a new contact lens prescription?  Saturday night I saw a 4 on the board in the #SFGiants column in the first inning.

The AP reports that a South Brunswick, NJ man, Mario Scarnici, has come forward with one of the three winning tickets sold for the Aug. 7 Powerball drawing, and will net $62 million after taxes. They add “A telephone number for Scarnici could not be located Saturday afternoon.” Ya think?