Posted tagged ‘Richard Sherman jokes’

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If you’re reading this, are you tired of the Super Bowl pre-game already?

January 31, 2015

Okay, is it too late to put a prop bet that the Super Bowl MVP’s first utterance to the media will be “I’ve gotten a measles vaccination and I’m going to Disneyland?”

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And it’s so hard to keep up with all this pre-Super Bowl stuff. Do we know how much the NFL has fined Marshawn Lynch today?

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Aaron Hernandez, formerly a Patriots star until his arrest in 2013 for murder, will not be able to watch the Super Bowl in jail. “I feel so sorry for him,” said nobody.

 

Richard Sherman’s pregnant girlfriend told him not to skip the Super Bowl if she goes into labor the day of the game. Makes sense, what woman wants to be going through the delivery process with a guy who is yelling louder than she is?

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Not sure who’ll be “going to Disneyland” after tomorrow’s Super Bowl,” but if it’s a member of the Patriots Disney is ordering extra guards to make sure nobody lets the air out of those Mickey Mouse balloons.

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Sacramento police arrested an 8th grade girl for distributing home-made pot brownies to her classmates. Not sure what will happen to her in the legal system but the girl was voted “Most likely to open a restaurant in Colorado.”

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More snow is expected by Monday on the East Coast. Which means forget about Punxsutawney Phil seeing his shadow or not. With enough snow no one will be able to see Punxsutawney Phil.

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Sports bettors lost a record amount in 2014 in Vegas. Wonder how many of those losses were people betting on teams from New York?

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As we are about the halfway point in the endless NBA season, who had the top two teams by record being the Atlanta Hawks and the Golden State Warriors? Now all you liars put your hands down.

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People magazine is reporting that Bruce Jenner is “transitioning into life as a woman.” In related news for people who have been watching the former Olympic star, water is wet.

 

 

Carl Djerassi, 91, the Stanford chemist who developed the birth control pill, has died. As far as tributes, wonder how many millions of people are thankful they didn’t have kids to name after him?

 

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Although re Djerassi, isn’t “Father of the Birth Control Pill” an oxymoron?

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Denial is now a river in New England?

January 23, 2015

Bill Belichick. “I have no explanation for what happened… I was shocked to learn of the footballs on Monday.” I presume the Patriots coach was also shocked to hear that there is gambling in Casablanca?

 

 

More from Belichick’s press conference. “Tom’s personal preferences on his footballs are something that he can talk about in much better detail and information than I could possibly provide,” Someone want to pass this quote on to Giselle?

 

 

Tom Brady – – “I wouldn’t do anything to break the rules.” Giselle – “My husband cannot f–king throw the ball and deflate it at the same time.”

 

 

So much denial out of New England. Hmm. Overheard last weekend in the Patriots’ locker room by coaches and players holding footballs “Will no one rid me of this meddlesome air?”

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First a missing elevator video, now a micro-manager of a coach who didn’t realize his team was cheating, again. Just wondering, since when did Roger Goodell decide that ignorance is only no excuse in New Orleans.

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So can we make sure all the Pro Bowl footballs are deflated? Since it’s an exhibition game, it would be fun to see Luck and Brees combine to throw for  20-30 touchdowns.

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Meanwhile, back in the NFC, the NFL has fined Marshawn Lynch $20,000 for the grabbing his crotch after scoring a TD in the Seahawks win over Green Bay. And then presumably the league will fine the Seattle RB another $50,000 for refusing to comment on the incident.

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Starbucks reported a 16% jump in quarterly profit today. Makes sense, interest rates are still low enough that consumers can get inexpensive loans to buy their coffee.

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How much more does this Disneyland measles outbreak have to spread before people start clamoring for President Obama to figure out a way to prevent the disease?

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House GOP leaders pulled a very restrictive anti-abortion bill from the floor after reports that several women Republican congressmen were going to vote against it. Presumably their next step, looking into what it would take to repeal the 19th amendment.

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Mike Huckabee, talking about how states could resist a Supreme Court decision upholding gay marriage: “Do we really surrender the entire American system of government to five people, unelected, appointed for life, with no consequences for the decisions they make? The founders never intended for there to be such incredible, almost unlimited power, put in the hands of so few people.”

Uh, wonder what President Al Gore thinks of this statement?

 

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As negative as this ‪#‎DeflateGate‬ coverage is ‪#‎RichardSherman‬ still probably stewing over fact that he’s out of the headlines. ‪#‎SuperBowl‬

 

 

From Marc Ragovin. “I hear the Patriots’ Super Bowl fight song is gonna be “Under Pressure.”

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Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah, 91, has died. The scary thing…. he’s supposed to have made the country more modern and reasonable. ‪#‎howcouldyoutell‬

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A 50-year-old Irish grandmother received no jail time when she pleaded guilty to possession of a small amount of cocaine at a Cork bingo hall. Apparently police first became suspicious when they heard her yelling “BINGO” from the next county.

 

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Email ad today for the Westminster Kennel show “See your favorite dogs for this February only $30.” Of course New York bargain hunters can wait six weeks and get cheap seats for the Mets.

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Be careful what you wish for.

September 15, 2014

Before the Chargers’ game, Richard Sherman was bitching about Aaron Rodgers not throwing to receivers he covered: The Seattle CB said he “needed” the ball. SD QB Philip Rivers was 6-for-6 passing today for 60 yards while throwing to receivers Sherman was covering. ‪#‎Missionaccomplished‬.

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Many 49ers fans who drove to tonight’s home opener were stuck for hours after the game. As opposed to the team, who apparently checked out after the third quarter. ‪#‎SF49ers‬.

 

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Colin Kaepernick had an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for “inappropriate language.” Good thing fans couldn’t be heard talking to the television.

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NFL Refs missed a SF delay of game that would have negated a 49ers TD, And missed Percy Harvey stepping out of bounds on his way to what was called a Seahawks TD.  And apparently messed up on a crucial time out call that cost the Jets a TD.  So where are all those replacement guys again?

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Before today’s Dallas-Tennessee game today the Titans included the song “Fight Night” on their stadium warmup soundtrack. A song that includes the lyrics “Lil’ mamma, she keep looking at me (lil’ mama!) Im’a knock the p*ssy out like fight night. Hit it with the left Hit with the right Im’a knock the p*ssy out like fight night.”

Can’t imagine how the NFL gets the reputation for being tone deaf.

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RGIII was injured in the first quarter of the Redskins-Jaguars game. Wonder if Washington will send Jacksonville a thank you note.

 

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Greg Norman is recovering in a hospital after he nearly cut off his own hand in a chain saw accident. Apparently he had posted a picture of himself a week earlier holding that chain saw. “Time to trim the sea grapes today. Never ask someone to do something that you can do yourself.” Well, maybe not quite never.

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As a New Orleans fan,  only good thing about Browns win over the Saints. At least maybe we don’t have to hear much about Johnny Manziel this year.

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Texas Solicitor General Jonathan Mitchell has asked a federal appeals court to allow the state to enforce a “surgical standards” law that will close more than half of Texas’s abortion facilities. Mitchell says that “the vast majority of the state’s reproductive-age women will live within 150 miles” of the remaining clinics.

Wonder how Texas would feel about the vast majority of the state’s men living within 150 miles of pharmacies selling Viagra?

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The Mets are out of the postseason, the Yankees are almost out, the Giants got solidly beaten and the Jets choked. So in New York they’re wondering “When does the Knicks preseason start?”

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No comment needed. From a Baseball Hall of Fame book from 2000, with last two pages “Return to the Glory Days. The last paragraph was about 1998. “The Yankees proved that this isn’t about money, but instead about commitment, pride and joy. That is the lesson that the Yankees, McGwire and Sosa taught America- and the world – in 1998. And that is exactly what baseball fans needed to see.”

 

 

 

As of midnight, Yahoo still has a “spoiler alert” on their story about the new Miss America? Really? So they think there are people who care enough to have recorded the pageant and still don’t know the winner.

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Who says there are no stupid questions?

January 29, 2014

Ah Super Bowl Media day. Where apparently today an actual question was “Will this be a must win game for you?”

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It got  better at Media Day. Peyton Manning was asked if he’d be on SNL…. this week. (Would have given a lot to hear Peyton answer “Um, just a bit busy. But Tom Brady is available.”)

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Peyton Manning, downplaying talk about his “legacy.”     “I’m still in the middle of my career.” “Atta boy” said Brett Favre .

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Richard Sherman in his column yesterday “If I could pass a lesson on to the kids it would be this: Don’t attack anybody. I shouldn’t have attacked Michael Crabtree the way I did. You don’t have to put anybody else down to make yourself bigger.” Sounds like Sherman has been thinking. Either that or he got a call from his mother.

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In a recent poll, Pete Carroll was voted the coach most NFL players wanted to play for, with 22% naming him. 7.2%, however, said Rex Ryan. Must be guys who like having their Januarys off.

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Yasiel Puig, arrested in Florida allegedly doing 110 in a 70 mph zone, has had his reckless driving charged dropped for “insufficient evidence” but the ticket will still stand. So it’s not reckless if you’re rich? #Affluenza

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A Seattle couple has named their new born daughter, Cydnee Leigh 12th Mann. Now what happens if she grows up to hate football? Or worse yet, becomes a 49er fan?

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Some discussion over with the egging and DUI if Justin Bieber could be deported back to Canada. As U.S. law does permit that for “serious crimes.” How about serious crimes against music?

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Jury selection has begun for the bribery trial of former New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin. If convicted Nagin could be sentenced to serve as Louisiana’s Governor.

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Tom Perkins, a full two days after his letter appeared in the WSJ, “I’d deeply apologize to anyone who has mistaken my reference to Kristallnacht as a sign of overt or latent anti-Semitism,” Would Perkins settle for us considering it a sign of overt and latent arrogant stupidity?

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After a horrible year for the Dallas defense, Monte Kiffin was moved from defensive coordinator to an assistant head coaching position. If the Cowboys really want to make a difference by weakening someone’s power,  maybe they can move Jerry Jones to an assistant head coaching position?

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Kobe Bryant will miss another two weeks due to his knee injury. Which makes him luckier than most of the Lakers. (And their fans.)

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Starwood Hotels is working on technology for guests to use their smartphones as room keys. Which will make things even more fun when you leave your phone somewhere, especially inside your hotel room.

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RIP Pete Seeger, 94. And we still wonder, when will they ever learn, when will they ever learn?

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Stay classy.    After the State of the Union,  a NY reporter asked  Staten Island Rep. Michael Grimm about the speech, and then asked a follow up question about an FBI investigation into his campaign finances. Grimm’s response at first was “I’m not speaking to you off-topic, this is only about the president.”  The Congressman then added : “Let me be clear to you, you ever do that to me again I’ll throw you off this f—–g balcony.”

(well at least this wouldn’t happen with Chris Christie. The NJ Governor isn’t yet in good enough shape to throw someone off a balcony.)

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And I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. But the Tonight Show with Jay Leno is down to its last two weeks..  And yesterday they used a joke almost word for word from Gary Bachman that was on this blog. And tonight they used a joke almost word for word about Royal Caribbean marketing a cruise as a way to lose weight….. Hey, Jimmy Fallon people, if you’re reading this.  I’ll freelance for you legitimately,  cheap.

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Worse than a Christmas sweater?

January 27, 2014

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The NFL, never to concede the limelight to anyone,  might have eclipsed Oregon for ugly uniforms with this year’s Pro Bowl neon orange-white and grey-puke green outfits.  And they were an embroidered sweater top away from making the U.S. Olympic team look good by comparison.

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So when it comes to “how desperate do you have to be to watch?,  it was a close call tonight. The NFL Pro Bowl?    Or “The Bachelor’s Live Wedding?”

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Many Americans think the Golden Globes are the most fun awards show to watch, because so many of the stars range from a bit buzzed to drunk. Hmm, maybe an idea really to spice up the NFL Pro Bowl. – pre-game Mai Tais for all!

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Pope Francis yesterday lauded women for their sensitivity toward society’s “weak.” Wonder if by “weak” he meant men?

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NY Knicks played the LA Lakers today. And the game was about as relevant as the NFL Pro Bowl. #howthemightyhavefallen

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Pam Dawber (Mindy) will reunite with Robin Williams (Mork) when she guest stars this spring on the “The Crazy Ones”, Williams’ new sitcom. Of course, things have changed a bit in 32 years…. wonder if Robin might drop a Mork ad-lib, like “You punks get off my planet.”

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You know you’re getting older when… it’s not that you know you don’t like most of the acts up for Grammy awards, you just have no idea who many of them are….

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And yeah, “Daft Punk”  winner at the Grammys. Apparently it’s a noun not an adjective.

From Gary Bachman:  “A couple robots won a Grammy. First major entertainment award for a robot since Al Gore won an Oscar.”

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American Hustle has 10 Academy Award nominations. Thinking anyone who has seen the movie might agree with me that it should win “Costume Design” just for the miraculous use of tape. Specifically on Amy Adams’ dresses.

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Rand Paul said today that Bill Clinton’s past “predatory” sexual behavior should receive more attention if Hillary runs in 2016. Looks like we’re headed for another of those “issues-oriented” campaigns that makes politics so beloved to average Americans….

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The outdoor NHL game at Yankee Stadium today was delayed by “glare on the ice.” Yet another potential wrinkle for next week’s Super Bowl?

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And as we approach Super Bowl Media Week, the Richard Sherman show continues  – with Sherman’s statement “I want people to understand that everybody should be judged by their character, and who they are as a person, and not by the color of their skin.” Agreed on all counts.

But step 1. No matter what the color of your skin, your character will be judged better if you’re a gracious winner.

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Mediocrity and beyond?

January 22, 2014

Eight to ten inches of snow in New Jersey. Will Richard Sherman call that a “mediocre storm?”

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Have to wonder as Stanford recruits for their football team, how many moms saw Richard Sherman and it made them a bit skeptical of the program. And how many kids saw the interview and thought “Cool.”

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Erin Andrews is now saying of Richard Sherman’s interview “That was awesome. That was so awesome. And I loved it.” Well, yeah, not that Erin wasn’t famous before. But she now might have the most watched post-game interview ever.

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Richard Sherman’s agent or Seahawks management wrote an apology for his rant. But Sherman’s tweet on the subject “Last night shows that racism is still alive and well… And that’s so sad…. At Least some people respect MLKs dream.”  : I got news for him, racism may be alive and well, but had a white guy made the same post-game comments, IMHO people would have still reacted against him. And I don’t think MLK would have trash-talked his opponents. Just sayin..

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Miley Cyrus is going to perform on MTV’s “Unplugged.” Anybody but me thinking that when Miley is on it’s time to unplug the TV?

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In England, Lord Chris Rennard, suspended by the Liberal Democrats over sexual harassment claims, is not only refusing to apologize, but is claiming the allegations have caused him “stress, anxiety and depression that had led him to contemplate self-harm.” And Bob Filner is thinking “Why didn’t I think of that?”

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Cinmeon Bowers, one of FSU’s top men’s basketball recruits, has been arrested for allegedly eating marijuana to conceal it from police. So does this mean Bowers is now considering UW, Colorado or Gonzaga?

 

 

A new proposal from a Indiana GOP state rep would allow teachers, parents, visitors and students over 18 to take guns to school parking lots. Guessing this might make folks think twice before trying to cut someone off for a parking spot.

 

The B.A.T. (Baseball Assistance Team), which helps retired players who have fallen on hard times, has given Bud Selig the first “Bud Selig Leadership award. Thereby managing to get a redundancy and a oxymoron in the same sentence.

 

Stay classy, Arizona. An ASU frat has been suspended after they hosted an MLK Day party, with guests dressed in basketball jerseys, making gang signs and holding watermelon-shaped cups. I guess I could understand how they could be that thoughtless and racist, but how stupid do you have to be in a social media age not to realize that pictures would go viral?

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Vladimir Putin says to gay Olympic visitors. “you will feel quite secure, at ease, but leave kids alone, please.” While the Russian President is at it, will he make sure bookstores destroy all copies of “Lolita?”

 

 

 

From Bill Littlejohn:  “Guinness confirms that two men at a Las Vegas electronics store set a world record by watching TV for 87 consecutive hours—it turned out to be the last two minutes of an NBA game”

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It’s high time.

January 20, 2014

With two teams from states where marijuana is legal in the Super Bowl, should they change the game time to start at 420p?

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Or with teams from Colorado and Washington in the Super Bowl, is this a sign from above that God wants the U.S. to legalize marijuana?

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Not sure when MLK gave his “I have a dream” speech that he imagined part of that dream would become a Macy’s one day sale.

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Vladimir Putin, who wants Russian population growth, is claiming that homosexuality decreases the birth rate. If Putin really wants more babies born in Russia, maybe he needs to work on getting an NBA team.

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Let’s see – Richard Sherman vs. Peyton Manning? Even as a Stanford grad got to be guessing it’s not going to be hard to guess this year who “America’s Team” is going to be in the Super Bowl.

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At Century Link Field after Seattle’s win to make it to the Super Bowl, they played “New York, New York.” Well, guess there isn’t a song titled “New Jersey, New Jersey.” Maybe the tune should have been “Bridge Over Troubled Water?

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NBC says they would love to keep Jay Leno after he steps down from “The Tonight Show” on Feb. 6. So if Jimmy Fallon doesn’t work out they can bring Leno back this summer?

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I will give Richard Sherman credit for one thing. He has probably assured that the over-the-top Super Bowl media focus will not be on Seattle’s second year QB Russell Wilson

For all the jokes.  Is Richard Sherman an a**hole? Probably. Did he/does he take Adderall? Probably. But really people… he gave a cocky interview after helping to clinch a berth for his team in the Super Bowl. Not exactly the same as a jailhouse conversation. For all that, I’m rooting for Archie’s son to make Sherman look bad.

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President Obama said today he doesn’t think marijuana is more dangerous than alcohol, “in terms of its impact on the individual consumer.” Which will no doubt offend liberals because he is not going far enough to legalize it, and conservatives for not calling marijuana a gateway. #cantwin

Sarah Palin claims that Obama should stop playing “the race card” after the President said “”There’s no doubt that there’s some folks who just really dislike me because they don’t like the idea of a black president. There are some black folks and maybe some white folks who really like me and give me the benefit of the doubt precisely because I’m a black president.” Um, okay, but for president substitute “Would-be-president” and for black substitute “stupid.” And you might explain Sarah Palin.

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