Posted tagged ‘Heisman jokes’

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Timing is everything?

October 2, 2017

So there are 89 days left in 2017. Would Trump & the GOP like to pick one that WOULD be a good day to discuss gun control?

 

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Got it. Democratic calls for gun control after mass shootings are politicizing the issue, GOP calls for travel bans are just wanting to keep us safe. #sarcasm

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Bernard Kerik for Fox News “For once… can we not turn an American tragedy such as this, into a political issue, while there is still blood on the ground?”
Right, only American tragedies when the shooter is Muslim, or maybe black.

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I don’t give a sh*t what God the shooter worshiped or if he worshiped one at all. HE WAS A TERRORIST. Period. #LasVegas

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I respect people saying “Pray for Vegas,’ but rather than just prayers maybe we could find way to keep semi-automatic weapons away from bad guys?

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And back to a little snark… because somehow it feels like giving a middle finger to the bad guys.

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LaVar Ball says he will home-school his son, LaMelo, for his final two years of high school. because he doesn’t want the young man to have “distractions.”
Well, except for the distractions from his father.

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Shame the 49ers can’t find a quarterback like Alex Smith.

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Such a trivial detail by Las Vegas standards after last night, but with a recovered fumble after the Redskins tried to emulate Cal’s “The Play” with laterals,  the Chiefs scored a touchdown to win 29-20.   This means Kansas City just covered the 7 point spread.

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Braves GM John Coppolella, forced to resign over “serious rules violations” w/ intl players. ATL was 72-90. So not even competent cheaters?

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Stanford’s Bryce Love is now the nation’s leading rusher. Cardinal-Oregon Ducks game just scheduled for 8 pm PST Oct 14. So if these old white guys on the Heisman committee have a nap, they might be able to stay up for the 1st quarter.

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Matt Cain in “The Player’s Tribune”
“There’s June 13, 2012: the perfect game. Not going to call anyone from S.F. a liar, but I’ll just say this: There were about 42,000 people in attendance that day. And in the last five years, I think I’ve met all 100,000 of them.”

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Now alas Tom Petty has really passed away. But even with death he didn’t back down. #RIPTomPetty

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Maybe God needed a rousing chorus of “Don’t Back Down” in heaven today.
“Well, I won’t back down
No, I won’t back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down
No, I’ll stand my ground
Won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground.”
#TomPetty

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Meanwhile, people are still dying in Puerto Rico.

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Once and future king.

December 14, 2014

george

Many think Prince Charles should have just married Camilla in the beginning, and saved himself and others much grief. On the other hand, his otherwise disastrous marriage to Diana does appear to have improved the gene pool. (And the look of the future British currency and stamps.)

 

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Bryce Harper didn’t show up today at the NatsFest fan festival, apparently because of a grievance over a dispute over the Nationals star wanting to opt-out in 2015, the last year of the 5-yr $9.9 million contract he signed as a rookie. Harper, who is represented by Scott Boras, said he was “was unable to attend this year’s event due to matters out of my control.” Uh, that’s a clown statement, bro.

 

 

 

On Saturday night, the Senate approved a $1.1 trillion spending bill and sent it to the President for his signature. Because heaven forbid differences large and small should stand in the way of what’s really important – getting Congress home for their Christmas vacations.

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#Whythereisnosatire. Ted Cruz wants to shut down the government again over immigration and Obama’s “illegal amnesty.” And yet, this is a man who was born in Canada and whose Cuban father made it to the U.S. when “a lawyer friend of my father basically bribed a Batista official to stamp my passport with an exit permit.”

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In New York, 10 people were indicted over selling bogus airline tickets to about 200 people, and leaving many of them stranded at airports. Really, what were they thinking? Stranding people at the airport is the airlines’ job.

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Looks the the people who are happiest about the new “Exodus: Gods and Kings” moves may be anyone involved with either “Ishtar” or “Gigli.” ‪#‎newworstmovieever‬?

 

As the unveiled Sony emails become more and more embarrassing, one good thing is no doubt Americans in future will be much more careful about what they type and post. ‪#‎notachance‬ ‪#‎slowlearners‬

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Will Muschamp, less than two weeks after being fired at Florida, accepted a job as defensive coordinator at Auburn, and said “I’m just a ball coach.” And Gator fans said “Don’t flatter yourselves.”

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No serious football Saturday except the Heisman trophy presentation. Which means ESPN et al could focus on the countdown to Johnny Manziel’s start tomorrow.

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You know it’s been a down year for the ‪#‎SEC‬ when a ‪#‎Pac12‬ player actually wins the ‪#‎Heisman‬ ‪

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Pigs are flying. This quote tonight on the spending bill “Before Congress starts handing out Christmas presents to the megabanks and Wall Street…., we need to remove these risky derivatives that aren’t even necessary for normal banking purposes and would only make future taxpayer funded bailouts more likely.” Elizabeth Warren? Nope,  GOP Louisiana Senator  David Vitter.

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Santa Clause?

December 15, 2013

 

All of this controversy over a “white” label. Hey, it only involves a fictional character who many grownups don’t believe in anyway. But enough about Megyn Kelly

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If “affluenza” and parents who don’t set limits is a reason to avoid prison, shouldn’t “poorenza” and not having parents around to set limits qualify as the same excuse?

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Snow and sleet at Army-Navy game. Otherwise known this year as “Super Bowl Practice.”

 

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Only missed the Mega Millions jackpot by six numbers last night. And I didn’t even play..

 

 

Rumor has it Khloe Kardashian might be dating Matt Kemp. “What a shame that the Dodgers might have to deal with all that distraction” said absolutely no one in San Francisco.

 

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Nick Saban got a $7 million a year contract extension. Imagine how much he could have gotten if the Alabama coach hadn’t gotten stupid with fighting for that second on the clock to attempt a 60 yard field goal.

 

Internal ESPN memo (no joke) “Recently, there have been numerous incidents in which the word “sucks” has been used on our air. This word is simply not appropriate for ESPN.” Well, except where Dallas is concerned.

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Figures. Yesterday new Texas AD said of football coach Mack Brown “Hopefully we’ll get together, be able to work for many years to come.” Today Brown officially resigned. To be fair, Patterson didn’t say what he hoped they worked together on..

 

Wonder how many of those trumpeting the “War on Christmas” are the same ones oohing and aahing over all those ads suggesting luxury cars as gifts?

 

 

FSU QB Jameis Winston has as expected won the Heisman. Only a freshman, Winston has demonstrated his NFL readiness with a police investigation BEFORE he turned pro.

 

 

 

Pope Francisco told an Italian newspaper that he is not a Marxist. “But I have met many Marxists in my life who are good people, so I don’t feel offended.” He might have added “most of the people attacking me would also call Jesus a Marxist.”

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Miracle-schmiracle….

December 12, 2011

What greedy Broncos fans really want now from Tebow is for him to start turning water into beer.

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But okay, all these doubters who don’t believe Tebow is, as he says, a virgin. I’m inclined to believe the guy. If for no other reason than that any woman who HAD slept with him would have probably sold the story to the National Enquirer for $1 million plus.

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Anyone else think that God is not only backing Tebow, that He/She is just f*ckng with us?

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As long as Tebow doesn’t start singing “Climb Every Mountain.”

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Actually, the Denver Broncos should be the favored team of those who miss watching NBA games on television. Just as in the NBA, there’s no point in really tuning in until the fourth quarter.

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Ryan Braun’s spokesman issued a statement denying any “intentional violation” of Major League Baseball rules. But really, has any star player EVER come right out and said “Yeah, you caught me.” Only the little guys. Waiting to see what “tainted supplement” Braun supposedly took.

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Chris Paul may now be headed to the Clippers? Jay Leno’s going to need to rewrite his punchlines.

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The NFL MVP is supposedly the player a team absolutely cannot do without. Based on that criteria, shouldn’t the 2011 MVP be Peyton Manning?

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Mitt Romney’s campaign is trying to recover from his casual offer to wager $10,000 with Rick Perry in Saturday’s debate. Even Pete Rose is saying he wouldn’t have made that bet.

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The University of Cincinnati issued major suspensions to four players involved in last night’s basketball brawl with Xavier. Guess the school doesn’t want the team competing with the Bengals.

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A United Airlines 757 en-route from Denver to Los Angeles had to divert to Grand Junction Sunday morning when an engine shut down. Wonder if the airline gave passengers extra frequent flier miles? Or charged them for the extra stop.
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Three straight second-place Heismann finishes for Stanford: The Cardinal is becoming the Susan Lucci of college football.

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Watched the Minnesota Vikings blow a chance (with the help of a missed call) to beat the Detroit Lions today and fall to 2-11. Had Peyton Manning not been injured, Andrew Luck would probably be reunited with Toby Gerhart next year.

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Actually, the Lions should have been called for a face mask at the goal line with a few seconds to go…. But for any Stanford fan with painful memories of Big Game against Cal in 2009, just one question… why didn’t Detroit give it to Toby Gerhart with first and goal from the one?

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Now it turns out that Penn State asst coach Mike McQueary, allegedly told a family friend a different story about the shower incident. According to a Harrisburg paper. “he heard ‘sex sounds’ and a running shower before a young boy peered around the corner of the shower’s stall, then saw an adult arm reach around the boy’s waist and pull him out of view.” Beginning to wonder if there is/was an honest person in the whole program.

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Races, great and otherwise.

May 22, 2011

 

Another reason to love horse racing. Animal Kingdom barely lost in his bid to win the Preakness, the second race in the Triple Crown. And so far he hasn’t blamed his trainer, his jockey, the track, the starting gate…..

In fact, (bad pun alert), Animal Kingdom didn’t even claim his mother was a nag.

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Herman Cain today entered the race for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination. I think I speak for most Americans when I say “Who?”

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Meanwhile, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels just announced he is NOT running for the 2012 GOP Presidential nomination. Apparently based on his competition, Daniels decided he did not have quite the combination of hubris and insanity required to run.

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The first in a series?  You know you’re really a fan of the 2011 Giants when…

When someone tells you Tim Lincecum threw a three-hitter today, and your first response is “Did he win?”

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Aflac has now announced an agreement to sponsor the Heisman trophy. Wonder if the company will offer free supplemental salary insurance for each year’s winners when they wash out in the NFL.

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NFL players, who are already suing league for alleged antitrust violations, have again urged the appeals court to lift the lockout, and likened the league to a “cartel.” This prompted a response for an immediate apology. From OPEC.

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The UConn men’s basketball program is losing two scholarships for the upcoming season as a result of a poor Academic Performance Rating from the NCAA. Apparently for starters, most of the team couldn’t spell “Academic Performance Rating.”

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Meanwhile, It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

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Although had the world ended Saturday, Cubs fans all over would have been going “We could have been contenders.”

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Sad but true from TC in Canada:   A good number of Canucks fans made the trek to SJ HP Pavillion for game 3 of the Western final. All were advised to purchase the new “LA Dodger Fan Encounter” Insurance available for trips to Calif.

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The Heisman and other politics

December 12, 2010

 Regarding President Obama’s efforts to get a tax cuts-umemployment benefits-etc bill through Congress:

It’s pretty clear that some Democrats have either not heard of “Quid pro quo.”  Either that, or they think he is some Korean pitcher signed by the Dodgers or Yankees.

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Okay, just in case you thought you are too sports-obsessed, ESPN Insider has a story tonight about teams that might be on the bubble for March Madness. Yes, that’s March 2011 for a season that’s barely started. And if you are truly concerned about those bubble teams – yes, you might be too sports-obsessed.

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The Giants-Vikings game in Minneapolis has been postponed due to snow. Snow? In Minnesota in December? What’s next? A Miami Dolphins game being postponed due to sun?

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Cam Newton said in his Heisman acceptance speech that “parents do a lot of things behind the scenes that go unnoticed.” And at least one thing that he wishes had stayed unnoticed.

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 Apparently some Heisman voters not didn’t blame Cam Newton for the acts of his father, they felt sympathetic to his parental situation and were  thus more likely to vote for him. Ah, now that might explain a certain young woman’s run on “Dancing with the Stars.”

(well okay, except for the fact that Newton has talent.)

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At least this pre-Heisman hype will finally be simmering down.  A newspaper article on the Heisman finalists said that Andrew Luck could go as high as #1 in the NFL draft. Well, I’m pretty sure he won’t go higher.

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An AP-Stanford poll said 68 percent of Americans believe problems in schools are the fault of the parents. And Cam Newton and his dad said “See?!”

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And Sarah Palin allegedly said the study was  “proof that most Americans want government off their backs regardng their children – that’s less than half.”

Apparently the only thing WikiLeaks chief Julian Assange has been asking for in jail is access to a computer. And sure, what could possibly go wrong with that?

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Paul McCartney is still impressive. But wonder if there’s any truth to the rumor that had he not felt up to performing “Saturday Night Live”  would have postponed the show due to weather to become “Sunday Night Live?”

Don’t get me wrong, Sir Paul is definitely still “dishy.” But at 68 he has had at least as much work done as Nancy Pelosi.

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No joking matter?

September 16, 2010

The following picture was banned in England as potentially being offensive to Catholics, But it’s been running in Italy. Well, at least one country still has a sense of humor about religion.

The San Francisco Giants played three of their last five games to a 1-0 final score. And Wednesday night’s game ended up 2-1. At this rate the Giants may not make the playoffs, but they will be the official baseball team of Major League Soccer.

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Meanwhile, in Atlanta, fans are shaking their heads at the team’s recent collapse, including two straight losses to the Washington Nationals. Normally the Braves don’t choke like this until they are in the playoffs.

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The New York Times is reporting that a large number of criminals lately have been commiting their crimes while wearing Yankees caps or clothing. Well, duh, for many fans it’s the only way they can pay for tickets.

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The Heisman Trust decided there will officially be no winner for the 2005 Heisman trophy after Reggie Bush returned the award. One possible translation, they aren’t positive there was any other player that year who was completely clean.

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For travel starting November first, passengers will be required to give their date of birth when making flight reservations. You know what that means, half the women in Hollywood will quit flying.
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Christine O’Donnell won the Republican primary for Senate in Delaware with only 30,651. What’s more astonishing, that it only takes that many votes to win a Senate primary. Or that 30,651 people actually voted for her?

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O’Donnell has actually said that masturbation is really just the same as adultery. Now, if she’d only reversed the simile, she might get more support from politicians on both sides of the aisle.

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Jennifer Lopez has signed a contract to judge American Idol. Now here’s one judge where the men at least in the audience will never care if she gets a little behind in her work.

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Or a crasser version, so much for those who figured that Simon Cowell’s departure meant the show would be missing a big ass.

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from T.C. “The NFL labor dispute is predicted to have play halted for the 2011 season. After week 1, it appears the Jets, Cowboys, Oakland & SF are already a year ahead of schedule.”

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By comparison..

September 15, 2010

Bill Clinton says a lot of the GOP candidates this year make George W. Bush look like a liberal. A liberal? Heck, a lot of them make W. look like an intellectual.

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Christine O’Donnell, who won the Republican primary in Delaware, has talked about enemies, (both Democrats and Republicans) who follow her and hide in her bushes,” making it necessary for her to have a second secret real address. Christine also said she would like to have the endorsement of Hillary Clinton.

Well, O’Donnell does believe in a vast left, right and center-wing conspiracy.

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Reggie Bush basically gave back his Heisman because he wasn’t in compliance with NCAA rules at the time he won it. Looking at all the past winners from Florida, Miami, Florida State, Texas, etc… if that’s the standard, the Heisman trust had better clean out a storeroom for used trophies.

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Another thought regarding Bush giving up his Heisman: considering all the other recipients from schools with less than squeaky-clean programs (Vinny Testaverde from Miami, for example), not to mention the various infractions from other winners, why don’t they just slap an asterisk on the trophy and be done with it?

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From Gary Morton on the same subject — Within a couple of months, Reggie Bush has lost a Heisman and a Kardashian. One has a hand-made, bronze bust, and the other…ok, ok, they both do.
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With the depressed economic situation in Ohio, Senator Sherrod Brown is trying to get the NFL to lift the blackout rule so people can watch the Bengals and Browns home games on TV. But really, haven’t Ohioans suffered enough?

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Apparently the FCS (former Division 1-AA) has a .091 winning percent against the FBC (former Division 1-A) so far this college football season. Six wins out of 148 games.

Hey, it’s a higher winning percentage so far than the 49ers or Raiders.

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The game that might end up the most fun for those who love to do the chain of wins game was North Dakota State 6, Kansas 3. Because Kansas has already upset No. 15 Georgia Tech. So if Georgia Tech upsets someone, and that someone only has one loss….well you get the picture. North Dakota State could lay claim to being National Champions.

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Heisman and other rants…

December 13, 2009

Since when did they change the Heisman to become the award for the best sophomore in the country?

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Note to voters, this isn’t college basketball. Sophomores come back next year.

So Mark Ingram lost out to Toby Gerhart for the Doak Walker award for the nation’s best running back. And he wasn’t even the MVP when Alabama beat Florida. (QB Greg McElroy was.) And he had 39 yards in the game against Auburn. Heisman voters, whats YOUR deal?

From Nick Coombs Where is Kanye West when we REALLY need him?

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Gillette is scaling back their ads feature Tiger Woods. Although they state it is not for any negative reason, but rather in support of the golfer.

“As Tiger takes a break from the public eye,” said a marketing spokesman, we will support his desire for privacy by limiting his role in our marketing programs.” I think I like the one about hiking the Appalachian trail better.

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When Army lost to Navy on Saturday, that put UCLA into the EagleBank Bowl, December 29, in Washington, D.C. Bruins fans were happy and relieved. They would have just hated to see their 6-6 team miss post-season competition.

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But to be fair, this is Washington D.C., between the Nationals, Redskins and Wizards, .500 looks pretty darn good.

Tacky time.

It was a record-tying day at Hollywood Park Friday for jockey Joel Rosario, who tied a track record set by Bill Shoemaker in 1953

What’s the difference between Joel Rosario and Tiger Woods. Rosario rode six winners. Tiger is a winner who rode….oh, never mind

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