Posted tagged ‘Rapture jokes’

Caught up in the rapture…

May 24, 2011

Jorge Posada, making about $13 million a year and batting .182, was upset when Yankees manager Joe Girardi dropped him to ninth in the batting order. Why did Girardi do it? Because he couldn’t bat Posada tenth.

The Oakland preacher who claimed the world would end May 21 appeared in his radio office today to stand by his prediction.   But he now claims he miscalculated, and the event will  actually be October 21. 

Just wondering, if he was so sure May 21 was the day, why did he pay rent for his office beyond that?

October 21?  So it looks like Cubs fans will be deprived yet again of a World Series title.

From Marc Ragovin: Well the good news is that the world didn’t end on Saturday. On the other hand, we still have New Jersey.

The Cincinnati Reds sent Edinson Volquez, their opening day starter, to the minors. Volquez was 3-2 with a 6.35 ERA in 10 starts. But maybe the Reds should have considered a trade; with those kind of number Volquez could be this year’s ace on the Minnesota Twins.

Pretty clear now that when Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be back,” what he meant was “I’ll be the back end of a horse.”

Willie Brown said today in the SF Chronicle, that he told Arnold Schwarzenegger last week that he hadn’t let the public down -“You did exactly what I or anybody else would have done, which is do your best to protect your family.” Uh, Willie, doing his best to protect his family would have been not getting the housekeeper pregnant at the same time as his wife in the first place.

Apparently Donald Trump said on Fox News today that he might change his mind and re-enter the Presidential race. Apparently he wants to challenge Mitt Romney for that all important “flip-floppers” vote.

The songwriter who wrote “You Light Up My Life” apparently committed suicide while awaiting trial on multiple rape charges. Were the charges not enough to get him a probable life sentence, prosecutors might have added an enhancement for writing such a maddening song that is still impossible to get out of your head.

Barbara Stuart, who played, amongst other character roles, Mrs. Rex Kramer in Airplane, has died at the age of 81. Her last words allegedly were “Down, Shep. Shep, no.”

Races, great and otherwise.

May 22, 2011


Another reason to love horse racing. Animal Kingdom barely lost in his bid to win the Preakness, the second race in the Triple Crown. And so far he hasn’t blamed his trainer, his jockey, the track, the starting gate…..

In fact, (bad pun alert), Animal Kingdom didn’t even claim his mother was a nag.

Herman Cain today entered the race for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination. I think I speak for most Americans when I say “Who?”

Meanwhile, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels just announced he is NOT running for the 2012 GOP Presidential nomination. Apparently based on his competition, Daniels decided he did not have quite the combination of hubris and insanity required to run.

The first in a series?  You know you’re really a fan of the 2011 Giants when…

When someone tells you Tim Lincecum threw a three-hitter today, and your first response is “Did he win?”

Aflac has now announced an agreement to sponsor the Heisman trophy. Wonder if the company will offer free supplemental salary insurance for each year’s winners when they wash out in the NFL.

NFL players, who are already suing league for alleged antitrust violations, have again urged the appeals court to lift the lockout, and likened the league to a “cartel.” This prompted a response for an immediate apology. From OPEC.

The UConn men’s basketball program is losing two scholarships for the upcoming season as a result of a poor Academic Performance Rating from the NCAA. Apparently for starters, most of the team couldn’t spell “Academic Performance Rating.”

Meanwhile, It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

Although had the world ended Saturday, Cubs fans all over would have been going “We could have been contenders.”

Sad but true from TC in Canada:   A good number of Canucks fans made the trek to SJ HP Pavillion for game 3 of the Western final. All were advised to purchase the new “LA Dodger Fan Encounter” Insurance available for trips to Calif.

The end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine….

May 21, 2011

It’s officially Rapture day in most of the U.S. and we’re still alive. (If the world has come to an end by sunrise, please disregard this post.)

Nationals 17 – Orioles 5. Really, 17?! Redskins fans are jealous.

Good news for San Jose hockey fans tonight. To paraphrase Woody Allen, what we no longer appear to have here are dead Sharks.

The companies behind “The Governator”, an animated series starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as a superhero, said the project is officially on hold. What’s next, an adult cartoon called “The Impregnator”?

Schwarzenegger’s potential future public service announcement?  “It’s 10pm, do you know how many children you have?”

Air Tahiti Nui is offering a “kids fly free” promotion where a one child can get a free ticket when accompanied by a paying adult.  What a great opportunity for Hugh Hefner to save money on his honeymoon.

Now former IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been released from jail on 1 million dollars bail with 24-hour home confinement at a Manhattan apartment in an undisclosed location. Am guessing that apartment doesn’t have maid service.

Ashton Kutcher may have won a role in CBS’s “Two and a half men.” But ESPN is thinking about making a short documentary with the same title – about the Lakers in the second round of the playoffs.

Charlie Weis apparently received over a $6 million severance bonus, and is still being paid by Notre Dame through 2015. Is his middle name “JaMarcus?”

The Cubs played at Fenway Park Friday for the first time in 93 years. How long ago was that? Why, Jamie Moyer was just a batboy.

Kareem Adbul-Jabbar is annoyed that the Lakers don’t have a statue of him in front of Staples Center.  Some Lakers fans would say that if Kareem wants to see a statue, he should look at himself the last couple years allegedly playing defense.

From my friend Alex Kaseberg:  “There is a new posthumous Osama bin Laden video. Osama needs another video like he needs a hole in the head.”

And Augie and Keith point out that Track, Sarah Palin’s oldest, if he believed in the Rapture, would want to get laid, then married.  Not that I expect one of Sarah’s children to quote poetry, but yes, kind of does put a new spin on that “If we had but world enough and time, this coyness lady were no crime” line from Andrew Marvell..