Posted tagged ‘rapture day jokes.’

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The end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine….

May 21, 2011

It’s officially Rapture day in most of the U.S. and we’re still alive. (If the world has come to an end by sunrise, please disregard this post.)

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Nationals 17 – Orioles 5. Really, 17?! Redskins fans are jealous.

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Good news for San Jose hockey fans tonight. To paraphrase Woody Allen, what we no longer appear to have here are dead Sharks.

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The companies behind “The Governator”, an animated series starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as a superhero, said the project is officially on hold. What’s next, an adult cartoon called “The Impregnator”?

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Schwarzenegger’s potential future public service announcement?  “It’s 10pm, do you know how many children you have?”

Air Tahiti Nui is offering a “kids fly free” promotion where a one child can get a free ticket when accompanied by a paying adult.  What a great opportunity for Hugh Hefner to save money on his honeymoon.

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Now former IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been released from jail on 1 million dollars bail with 24-hour home confinement at a Manhattan apartment in an undisclosed location. Am guessing that apartment doesn’t have maid service.

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Ashton Kutcher may have won a role in CBS’s “Two and a half men.” But ESPN is thinking about making a short documentary with the same title – about the Lakers in the second round of the playoffs.

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Charlie Weis apparently received over a $6 million severance bonus, and is still being paid by Notre Dame through 2015. Is his middle name “JaMarcus?”

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The Cubs played at Fenway Park Friday for the first time in 93 years. How long ago was that? Why, Jamie Moyer was just a batboy.

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Kareem Adbul-Jabbar is annoyed that the Lakers don’t have a statue of him in front of Staples Center.  Some Lakers fans would say that if Kareem wants to see a statue, he should look at himself the last couple years allegedly playing defense.

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg:  “There is a new posthumous Osama bin Laden video. Osama needs another video like he needs a hole in the head.”

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And Augie and Keith point out that Track, Sarah Palin’s oldest, if he believed in the Rapture, would want to get laid, then married.  Not that I expect one of Sarah’s children to quote poetry, but yes, kind of does put a new spin on that “If we had but world enough and time, this coyness lady were no crime” line from Andrew Marvell..

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Rapture day?

May 20, 2011

 

Sarah Palin’s oldest son was married on Saturday.  Wonder when the baby is due?

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Although not accusing Track Palin of believing that “end of the world” stuff. On the other hand, if you did believe in the rapture, wouldn’t you as a young man want to get married and get laid first?

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If the world really does end today at least Cubs fans will die with this year’s illusions intact.

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Reviewers say the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie is ultimately a boring two hours where in the end nothing interesting really happens. And this is different from the first three movies how?

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Donald Trump just backed out of a commitment to be the scheduled keynote speaker at major Republican fundraising dinner in Iowa next month, infuriating the head of the state party. What was he thinking quitting like that? Maybe the Donald’s real goal is to run for vice president.

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The Miami Heat television play-by-play announcer was interviewed on KNBR Thursday  morning talking about the team. And he said people just don’t realize how much these stars “sacrificed” to play together, in terms of how many millions they could have gotten in contracts from other teams. Great, does that mean any potential championship parade will also include a fundraiser for these poor guys?

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Meghan McCain came to her father’s defense this week saying “Rick Santorum lecturing my father about torture is like JWOWW lecturing Malcom Gladwell about writing.” Calls came for an immediate apology, from Jersey Shore.

A woman was kicked off an Amtrak train after she allegedly talked for 16 hours on her cellphone from California to Portland. Once cellphones are allowed on flights, will the emergency exit be available for that purpose?

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“What were they thinking?” award of the week to United Airlines, for reinstating flight numbers 93 (which passengers helped bring down in Pennsylvania), and 175  (which crashed into the World Trade Center)  United has now apologized and said this was a mistake. The airline has changed the flight numbers and said it won’t happen again. It’s this kind of attention to detail that has made the airline industry so profitable over the years.

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Yes, he said it. Newt Gingrich, now complaining about the use of his interview on “Meet the Press” said “Any ad which quotes what I said Sunday is a falsehood because I have said publicly, those words were inaccurate and unfortunate.” (Hmm, wonder if Arnold took his wedding vows on a Sunday.)

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Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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