Posted tagged ‘End of the world jokes’

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No better angels here.

December 20, 2012

If we have to live in a world where crazy people can get rapid fire weapons they use for mass shootings, can someone at least make sure these homicidal maniacs have the address for and directions to the Westboro Baptist Church?

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A NASA spokesman says the agency is getting 200 to 300 people calling per day to ask about the end of the world. Darwin would be so proud.

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Note in very small print on bottom of Starbucks’ cup: “Caution, the beverage you are about to enjoy is extremely hot.” Wonder how many people turn the cup to its side to try to read the message, and spill the hot beverage on themselves….

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The Los Angeles Clippers have won 11 in a row. So how long until they get a season ticket request from Jack Nicholson?

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Buffalo Bills’ center Eric Wood says the team’s annual games in Toronto are “a joke.” Fans in Toronto who watched the Bills’ latest drubbing responded “Back at ya.”‘

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Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly won AP Coach of the Year. Stanford’s David Shaw was third. If the referees had correctly called that Stephan Taylor touchdown would the voting have been reversed?

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Time Magazine has chosen the President of the United States as “Man of the Year.” I blame Obama.

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The 49ers’ Colin Kaepernick was named the NFC’s offensive player of the week. Not to be confused with Mark Sanchez, who Jets fans consider the most offensive player this week.

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from Marc Ragovin:   “So its Week 16 in the NFL, and the NY Jets have announced that they are benching Mark Sanchez. “What a brilliant move” said Week 4.”

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A new British-American study said that sleeping pills like Sonata and Ambien are of “questionable clinical importance” because half of their benefit may come from a placebo effect. Great, one more thing to lie awake worrying about.

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An unhappy Tim Tebow says he doesn’t understand why the Jets traded for him last March. That makes about 2,000,001 of us.

(and hey,   makes sense  to bench him if they were winning. But they sucked. At some point a rational man says “What the heck, how bad can it be?” This might be the mistake, assuming Ryan is rational.)

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Rapture day?

May 20, 2011

 

Sarah Palin’s oldest son was married on Saturday.  Wonder when the baby is due?

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Although not accusing Track Palin of believing that “end of the world” stuff. On the other hand, if you did believe in the rapture, wouldn’t you as a young man want to get married and get laid first?

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If the world really does end today at least Cubs fans will die with this year’s illusions intact.

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Reviewers say the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie is ultimately a boring two hours where in the end nothing interesting really happens. And this is different from the first three movies how?

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Donald Trump just backed out of a commitment to be the scheduled keynote speaker at major Republican fundraising dinner in Iowa next month, infuriating the head of the state party. What was he thinking quitting like that? Maybe the Donald’s real goal is to run for vice president.

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The Miami Heat television play-by-play announcer was interviewed on KNBR Thursday  morning talking about the team. And he said people just don’t realize how much these stars “sacrificed” to play together, in terms of how many millions they could have gotten in contracts from other teams. Great, does that mean any potential championship parade will also include a fundraiser for these poor guys?

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Meghan McCain came to her father’s defense this week saying “Rick Santorum lecturing my father about torture is like JWOWW lecturing Malcom Gladwell about writing.” Calls came for an immediate apology, from Jersey Shore.

A woman was kicked off an Amtrak train after she allegedly talked for 16 hours on her cellphone from California to Portland. Once cellphones are allowed on flights, will the emergency exit be available for that purpose?

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“What were they thinking?” award of the week to United Airlines, for reinstating flight numbers 93 (which passengers helped bring down in Pennsylvania), and 175  (which crashed into the World Trade Center)  United has now apologized and said this was a mistake. The airline has changed the flight numbers and said it won’t happen again. It’s this kind of attention to detail that has made the airline industry so profitable over the years.

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Yes, he said it. Newt Gingrich, now complaining about the use of his interview on “Meet the Press” said “Any ad which quotes what I said Sunday is a falsehood because I have said publicly, those words were inaccurate and unfortunate.” (Hmm, wonder if Arnold took his wedding vows on a Sunday.)

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Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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