Posted tagged ‘Arnold baby jokes’

Gallows humor.

May 27, 2011

A little gallows humor for Giants’ fans: Many are wondering in the wake of Posey’s injury about Bengie Molina, who hasn’t officially retired. But Mercury News writer Andrew Baggarly hears “at least as of two months ago, Molina was not in any kind of shape to play.” Well, doesn’t sound much different from last year.

A 27 year old Rockies fan died today after a 20 foot fall at Coors Field in Denver. He had lost his balance after trying to slide down a staircase railing.

The man had been taken off life support after being declared brain dead Wednesday.  While I don’t mean to minimize the pain his friends and relatives must be going thru, with all due respect, he was brain dead when he decided to slide down that railing.

Apparently green-minded students this year at more than 250 colleges and universities  have the option to get graduation gowns made from recycled plastic bottles.  Still others can buy gowns made from wood pulp, instead of the standard polyester.

Many basketball and football powerhouse schools say they have an even greener option.  They don’t waste anything with gowns, because their students don’t graduate in the first place.

There are more and more rumors of other alleged Schwarzenegger mistresses and brief liasons. Here we thought Arnold dreamed he should be President, maybe he just dreamed he was the world’s greatest golfer.

Interesting sidelight about John Edwards’ alleged use of campaign funds to pay for his mistress.  Edwards might almost be as rich as Schwarzenegger.  As Augie suggests, perhaps Arnold might have told John “Don’t be such a girly man, pay up.”

MSNBC host Ed Schultz has accepted a one week suspension, and has apologized for calling conservative talk show host Laura Ingraham a ‘right-wing slut’ on his syndicated radio program Tuesday. So is the apology for calling her “right-wing” or for calling her a “slut?”

With the Heat into the finals, the impossible has become reality; most of America will actually be rooting for Mark Cuban.

The New York Mets reportedly sold part of their team today. Mets fans were hoping it was the bullpen.

The NCAA infractions appeals committee has upheld all penalties and findings against USC football, The Trojans will lose 30 scholarships over the next three years are banned again from this year’s postseason. 

For some reason the committee didn’t buy the school’s defense, which basically boiled down to “But we’re USC!”

Sarah Palin has announced a bus trip “to connect with our founders, our patriots, our challenges and victories.” And to “appreciate the significance of our nation’s historic sites, patriotic events and diverse cultures, which we’ll do in the coming weeks on our “One Nation” tour. Wonder if Sarah will meet up with Michelle Bachman in Lexington NH to commemorate the “shot heard round the world.?”

Just how young are American Idol finalists Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina? At their ages, Lindsay Lohan hadn’t even entered her first rehab yet.


Caught up in the rapture…

May 24, 2011

Jorge Posada, making about $13 million a year and batting .182, was upset when Yankees manager Joe Girardi dropped him to ninth in the batting order. Why did Girardi do it? Because he couldn’t bat Posada tenth.

The Oakland preacher who claimed the world would end May 21 appeared in his radio office today to stand by his prediction.   But he now claims he miscalculated, and the event will  actually be October 21. 

Just wondering, if he was so sure May 21 was the day, why did he pay rent for his office beyond that?

October 21?  So it looks like Cubs fans will be deprived yet again of a World Series title.

From Marc Ragovin: Well the good news is that the world didn’t end on Saturday. On the other hand, we still have New Jersey.

The Cincinnati Reds sent Edinson Volquez, their opening day starter, to the minors. Volquez was 3-2 with a 6.35 ERA in 10 starts. But maybe the Reds should have considered a trade; with those kind of number Volquez could be this year’s ace on the Minnesota Twins.

Pretty clear now that when Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be back,” what he meant was “I’ll be the back end of a horse.”

Willie Brown said today in the SF Chronicle, that he told Arnold Schwarzenegger last week that he hadn’t let the public down -“You did exactly what I or anybody else would have done, which is do your best to protect your family.” Uh, Willie, doing his best to protect his family would have been not getting the housekeeper pregnant at the same time as his wife in the first place.

Apparently Donald Trump said on Fox News today that he might change his mind and re-enter the Presidential race. Apparently he wants to challenge Mitt Romney for that all important “flip-floppers” vote.

The songwriter who wrote “You Light Up My Life” apparently committed suicide while awaiting trial on multiple rape charges. Were the charges not enough to get him a probable life sentence, prosecutors might have added an enhancement for writing such a maddening song that is still impossible to get out of your head.

Barbara Stuart, who played, amongst other character roles, Mrs. Rex Kramer in Airplane, has died at the age of 81. Her last words allegedly were “Down, Shep. Shep, no.”

The end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine….

May 21, 2011

It’s officially Rapture day in most of the U.S. and we’re still alive. (If the world has come to an end by sunrise, please disregard this post.)

Nationals 17 – Orioles 5. Really, 17?! Redskins fans are jealous.

Good news for San Jose hockey fans tonight. To paraphrase Woody Allen, what we no longer appear to have here are dead Sharks.

The companies behind “The Governator”, an animated series starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as a superhero, said the project is officially on hold. What’s next, an adult cartoon called “The Impregnator”?

Schwarzenegger’s potential future public service announcement?  “It’s 10pm, do you know how many children you have?”

Air Tahiti Nui is offering a “kids fly free” promotion where a one child can get a free ticket when accompanied by a paying adult.  What a great opportunity for Hugh Hefner to save money on his honeymoon.

Now former IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been released from jail on 1 million dollars bail with 24-hour home confinement at a Manhattan apartment in an undisclosed location. Am guessing that apartment doesn’t have maid service.

Ashton Kutcher may have won a role in CBS’s “Two and a half men.” But ESPN is thinking about making a short documentary with the same title – about the Lakers in the second round of the playoffs.

Charlie Weis apparently received over a $6 million severance bonus, and is still being paid by Notre Dame through 2015. Is his middle name “JaMarcus?”

The Cubs played at Fenway Park Friday for the first time in 93 years. How long ago was that? Why, Jamie Moyer was just a batboy.

Kareem Adbul-Jabbar is annoyed that the Lakers don’t have a statue of him in front of Staples Center.  Some Lakers fans would say that if Kareem wants to see a statue, he should look at himself the last couple years allegedly playing defense.

From my friend Alex Kaseberg:  “There is a new posthumous Osama bin Laden video. Osama needs another video like he needs a hole in the head.”

And Augie and Keith point out that Track, Sarah Palin’s oldest, if he believed in the Rapture, would want to get laid, then married.  Not that I expect one of Sarah’s children to quote poetry, but yes, kind of does put a new spin on that “If we had but world enough and time, this coyness lady were no crime” line from Andrew Marvell..

Oh baby.

May 18, 2011

 Pakistan’s leaders are still facing allegations that they had to know about Bin Laden’s presence, which they deny. Their rejoinder today? “Hey, no one in your goverment and or even your media knew about Schwarzenegger’s ‘love child.'”

It turns out Arnold Schwarzenegger’s youngest sons – by different women – were born days apart – September 28 and October 2, 1997. You know, some men keep busy in January by watching football and maybe skiiing.

But come on folks, everyone can’t believe why Arnold went to his relatively plain looking housekeeper for sex when he was a big celebrity married to a beautiful woman. In the words of Maureen Dowd when the Clinton-Monica story broke – “Men are lazy, they go for the closest doughnut on the plate.”

Some say the reason there is no male birth control pill is that it’s too expensive.  Although as Arnold can no doubt tell  us, so is the alternative…

The happiest people in Los Angeles right now about Schwarzenegger’s love-child? The Lakers and Frank McCourt. At least temporarily they’re not the most embarrassing stories in town.

And somewhere, Tiger Woods is thinking, it could be worse….

From my friend Ben Pesta,  who said his friend Laurie Werner, of New York, wrote: “On June 10th, it’s ‘Jorge Posada figurine night’ at the Stadium. Guess he has to stay in the lineup until then.” I answered that they should put the figurine in the lineup; it’s hitting better ….”

Speaking of which, the Giants’ Mark DeRosa is on the DL. Which means for the next two weeks he’ll get as many hits as he got the last two weeks.

More cheers than boos when Cody Ross hit a 3-run home run in the top of the ninth at Dodger Stadium. Of course, it’s the ninth inning, there are more Giants fans left than Dodgers fans.

Minnesota Timberwolves president David Kahn, who commented about the NBA lottery being fixed, now says he was joking and it was “simply fate” that the Cavaliers got the first pick. He made this statement after commissioner David Stern said if he didn’t take it back, the league would make sure the Timberwolves NEVER got a good pick.

Possible knucklehead comment of the week in a crowded field -from Rick Santorum: John McCain “doesn’t understand how enhanced interrogation works.”

On the other hand, count on Sir Charles (Charles Barkley) for a direct statement regarding gay athletes: “It bothers me when I hear these reporters and jocks get on TV and say: ‘Oh, no guy can come out in a team sport. These guys would go crazy.’ First of all, quit telling me what I think. I’d rather have a gay guy who can play than a straight guy who can’t play.”

(I’m thinking right about now Kobe Bryant might have gone for a whole bench of gay players instead of his teammates in round two.)

If the world is really going to end on May 21, does that mean that no one should skip dessert on the 20th?

The Father of Cali-foh-nee-yah?

May 18, 2011

A reminder that it’s always darkest before the dawn. Just think how many comedy writers were crying yesterday when Trump dropped out of the race because of all the lost material. Thank you Arnold.

Could it be that Schwarzenegger was taking the idea about changing the “born in the U.S” rule for the Presidency seriously?    Was Arnold just trying to show he could be the Father of our Country?

Or while Schwarzengger’s defense be that he was just trying to fit in with being a Kennedy?

Well, now we know why Arnold wasn’t one of those Republicans who came out trying to cut off funding for Planned Parenthood.

Donald and Arnold both are making headlines this week. Trump because he pulled out early, Schwarzenegger, oh come on, I don’t even need to finish this line….

First Meg Whitman, now Arnold Schwarzenegger. Is it some sort of requirement for Republicans who want to be governor of California that you have to screw your maid?

Over-under on how long it will take Gloria Allred to call a press conference with Arnold’s baby-mama?

And poor  Donald Trump. He must have thought that his withdrawal from the Presidential race would at least dominate the political-late night news cycle for 24 hours….

While Donald Trump has left the Presidential race, it’s not from lack of confidence. As he said “I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and, ultimately, the general election.” Even Cubs fans are saying “This guy is delusional.”

Wisconsin congressman Paul Ryan, who wants to change Medicare to an insurance subsidy, says he will not run for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by retiring Democrat Herb Kohl. Ryan stated on his website that he “can have a bigger impact by remaining in his current position.” Translation, even he knows he doesn’t have a prayer of winning.

Financial disclosures show Newt Gringrich and/or his latest wife at one point owed as much as a half million dollars to Tiffany’s. Hey, as Newt will no doubt tell us, all the results of that passionate patriotism could get expensive.

Mitt Romney has a new campaign video, and it features actress-model Cindy Crawford. Wait, wasn’t Mitt supposed to be the substantive one?

Reader Berney reports from British Columbia that there were so many rainouts in the U.S. today that Canadians were subjected to watching the Yankees.  Yeah, Berney, welcome to the American world.