Posted tagged ‘Alabama jokes’

For the win?

June 21, 2016

Tonight have to give it to Scotland. Where about 100 locals got together to buy some land near one of Donald Trump’s golf courses.  And in advance of the Donald’s visit they planted this flag.

 

scotland

(yes, that is the Mexican flag.)

 

Well, I guess the SF GIants sympathy scoreless streak in honor of the Warriors at the end of Game 7 NBA Finals is officially over.  (First runs scored in the 4th, 15-4 final win over the Pirates.)

 

On a brighter note for the Pirates, Monday Erik Kratz hit 1st home run, off ‪#‎Madbum‬, today he pitched scoreless 9th, & struck out Belt.. Now that’s just piling on. ‪#‎SFGIants‬

 

Team USA COPA post-game motto “Well, at least we didn’t look as bad as Mexico vs. Chile.  (only a 4-0 loss)

Alabama football team’s strength coach, Scott Cochran, will now be making $525,000 a year. Well, that’s a whole $10,000 less than the $535,000 Judy Bonner, the President of the university makes. ‪#‎priorities‬

ESPN reports that former Baylor football coach Art Briles
The former Bears’ football coach promised a woman who was sexually assaulted by one of his players that he would support and apologize to her and her family last week. But Briles backed out.
‪#‎Beinginfootballmeansneverhavingtosayyouresorry‬?.

Tuesday is ‪#‎NationalSelfieDay‬.  Wonder how many celebrated the day by also vying for a ‪#‎DarwinAward‬?

You really cannot make this “stuff” up. A GOP Congressional candidate for Congress is running a contest on his FB page to give away a AR-15 rifle. In Florida. Wonder if Muslim-Americans are allowed to enter.

Wendy Bell, a former Pittsburgh news anchor was fired after she posted on Facebook in March about unidentified shooting suspects “You needn’t be a criminal profiler to draw a mental sketch of the killers…. They are young black men, likely in their teens or in their early 20s….”
Now Bell says she was fired because she is white. Nope, she was fired for being stupid. ‪#‎Facebookitsaprivilegenotaright‬

Lebron James, Jr, age 11, apparently already has scholarship offers from Kentucky and Duke. Not sure if dad will give his son any advice, other than not to announce his decision on an ESPN special.

Donald Trump’s campaign has apparently spent over $6 million, about 10% of their total expenditures, into Trump branded products, from water to wine to hotels.
Not sure the reaction is “That’s appalling.” Or “That’s shocking, only 10%?”

Donald Trump’s latest to evangelical leaders, “We don’t know anything about Hillary in terms of religion.”
So he’s saying they should vote for someone like him who’s been married three times and wants to date his own daughter? ‪#‎smh

Donald Trump has added Michele Bachmann to his Evangelical Advisory Board. ‪#‎Jesuswept‬

US. Rep. Steve King, upset about the idea of Harriet Tubman on the $20, is proposing an amendment to a House bill to ban the use of funds to redesign any Federal Reserve note or coin. No matter that such an amendment would also stop the government from anti-counterfeiting measures. ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎butyoucanreelectstupid‬

 

 

Ticket to ride?

May 18, 2016

Dear Gawd. This actual tweet from Texas Gov. Greg Abbott. “JFK wanted to send a man to the moon. Obama wants to send a man to the women’s restroom. We must get our country back on track. ”
Well, I can think of one man I’d love to send to the moon. And Abbott can take Ted Cruz with him.

 

Dikembe Mutombo tweeted out congratulations to the 76ers on winning the NBA draft lottery. Before the lottery happened.  Well this  should do wonders for the rumors that it’s all fixed.

Nancy Armour writing in USA Today says “Ban countries that dope from Olympics.” Well, that’s one way to get this upcoming mess of a Rio games cancelled.

Alabama star LT Cam Robinson along with DB Hootie Jones were arrested this a.m. Both were charged with marijuana possession but Robinson, a potential top-draft pick, also with “felony illegal possession of stolen firearms.” Yep, he’s NFL ready all right.

Maine got slammed with 4-7 inches of snow yesterday. And in Denver they’re going, aw, we can probably beat that. ‪#‎snowinJune‬?

A self-proclaimed mother of 12 has posted a video of herself walking through Target with a bible saying that the chain doesn’t protect mothers and children etc….. So I missed the videos where she was protesting the Duggars. And the Catholic church.

The IOC has opened disciplinary proceedings against 31 athletes from 12 countries just found to have been doping when their samples were retested from the 2008 Beijing games. The IOC President’s said it sends a “powerful message to the cheats.” Right. Always use the most cutting edge drugs

 

So some are outraged because OKC’s Steven Adams, who is from New Zealand, referred to Curry and Thompson as “quick little monkeys.” He also quickly apologized. But does anyone think Adams would deliberately say that as a slur, playing on a team that is mostly African American? (And Klay is actually biracial.) ‪#‎PCoverload‬

Donald Trump said he’d be willing to speak to Kim Jong Un. At the same time he’s insulting UK Prime Minister David Cameron. If this were a proposed movie script it would be rejected as too far fetched

 

Donald Trump also said his income last year was exceeded $557 million. And heck, aren’t all Americans on the honor system about their income with the IRS?

#‎TrumpKelly‬ interview tonight on Fox. Proving again that whatever divides us as Americans, people can be brought together by love of $$$$.

After game 1 of the Eastern Conference finals Canada is going, well we still have Justin Trudeau and your potential leaders are….  ‪#‎TORvsCLE‬

MLB bans ‪#‎Odor‬ 8 games, ‪#‎Bautista‬ for 1. So if you want to take someone out in baseball, use your legs not your hands.

 

Ben Simmons apparently is hoping to be drafted by the Lakers so that he can get a bigger shoe deal. Sounds like a perfect fit for Los Angeles with that team-oriented basketball they practiced so well at the end of Kobe’s career.

And never say never.  Even so guessing that Ben Simmons is NEVER going to be a Spur.

 

It’s a start.

April 5, 2016

It’s only 1 game, but right this second ‪#‎SFGiants‬ not feeling too badly about losing out on Zack ‪#‎Greinke‬ & having to sign Johnny ‪#‎Cueto‬

Several Patriots fans are now suing the NFL and Roger Goodell over the league’s punishment for the Deflategate scandal. “Right, because that poor franchise never gets a break,” said nobody outside New England.

 

All the hype on Warriors network about upcoming ‪#‎GoldenState‬ ‪#‎SanAntonio‬ matchup Thurs. Right, Pop might even play one of ‪#‎Spurs‬ starters.

In the first game of the season, Chase Utley has started another controversy with a slide that some thought was dirty at home plate. Well, if he makes a pattern of it, MLB won’t need a Chase Utley rule, as some pitcher will apply the Drysdale rule and put Utley on the DL.

At Disneyland Paris, a worker was apparently electrocuted inside the Haunted Mansion ride. So sounds like they’ll have to update the French version of “999 happy haunts, but there’s always room for one more…” ‪#‎Disneybustohell‬

 

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus is now warning Trump that the Donald made a loyalty pledge to the eventual GOP Presidential nominee. Right, like that’s going to make any difference to the man who three times has said “Until death do us part.”

Despite watching major backlash in Georgia and North Carolina, Mississippi’s governor Phil Bryant today signed a law allowing businesses to refuse service to gay couples based on employers’ religious beliefs. Maybe because Bryant figured no one from outside the state wants to do business or visit Mississippi anyhow?

A man was arrested in Atherton, California for vandalism and trespassing after he spray-painted graffiti at various locations around town. Police were able to figure out it was him because the graffiti all included his NAME. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

In Alabama, a bipartisan group of legislators is moving to impeach Gov. Robert Bentley over a sex scandal over leaked tapes of his conversations with a female aide. Bentley is maintaining that despite the explicit nature of the tapes, that he never actually committed adultery. So the Governor’s DEFENSE is that he’s another politician who is all talk and no action.

 

A tale of two approaches to America’s problems. President Obama and the Treasury Dept are proposing tighting regulations on billion dollar corporate tax inversions, and Trump is going to build a wall by stopping poor illegals from sending some of their low wages back to Mexico.

There’s a fair amount of media attention being paid to Bernie Sanders’ recent interview with the NY Daily News, during which he dodged questions, gave a lot of vague answers, and acted generally rather unaware. Well, maybe it’s all part of Bernie’s plan to go after Trump voters.

 

From Alex Kaseberg  “North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Un, has reportedly ballooned to over 300 pounds. He may have to change his name to Kim Jong-Christie.

(I’m thinking, or maybe Kim Jong-Un’s goal is to play third base for the Red Sox?)

Proof is not in the pudding?

December 31, 2015

Bill Cosby has been released on $1 million bail after being arrested on a 2004 sexual assault charge. Looks like it’s going to be a long trial of “He Said – “She She She She She She She She She She Said.”

 

ESPN reports that Cal quarterback Jared Goff will announce tomorrow that he will enter the NFL draft. Of course, if Goff ends up with the SF 49ers it may be a lateral move.

If there was any doubt that Stephen ‪#‎Curry‬ should be leading the ‪#‎NBA‬ ‪#‎MVP‬ vote at this point, the Warriors removed it Wednesday night against Dallas.

Johnny Manziel apparently reported to on Wednesday with “concussion-like” symptoms and is being evaluated. So he could miss the Browns’ final game Sunday. Hmm, am I the only one who wonders about the similarity between symptoms of concussions and hangovers?

Chip Kelly is gone, but 49ers head coach says “I’m going to coach until somebody tells me I’m not.” Too soon to start a pool…?

About 20 passengers on an Air Canada flight from China to Toronto were injured by turbulence today. Want to bet at least 19 of them decided they didn’t need to be wearing their seatbelts?

The FAA is investigating after Alaska Airlines accidentally landed a plane on a taxiway instead of a runway at Seattle Airport. Damned Apple maps.

Lots of talk about Colin Kaepernick and where he will be next year, but as one analyst said, with that kind of arm there will always be some team that thinks they can fix him. So basically Kap has become the football equivalent of a left-handed pitcher.

“Affluenza” teen Ethan Couch is fighting extradition back to the United States. Hmm, so how much do we have to pay Mexico to keep him?

Authorities are sending ‪#‎Affluenza‬ mom Tonya Couch back to the U.S. where she faces up to 10 years for helping her son escape. While Ethan himself is looking at only 120 days for a probation violation. Why do I get the sense he’ll end up doing something to reunite himself with mom in jail in no time?

Microsoft has a new “selfie” app – which “takes age, gender, skin tone, lighting, and many other variables into account, applies different models automatically and finishes enhancement with just a single click.” So it’s supposed to IMPROVE your picture; clearly this is aimed at a generation with little experience of Windows.

Rand Paul is attacking Chris Christie, saying the Gov.has spent “219 days outside of New Jersey” (in 2015), even though he “signed a law requiring NJ public employees to be residents and spend majority of their time there.”
To be fair, maybe most residents of New Jersey prefer it when Christie is out of state.

 

Reserve Alabama cornerback has been sent home from the Cotton Bowl by Nick Saban for a “violation of team rules,” Proving once again that coach Saban can be a strict disciplinarian. As long as a reserve player and not a starter is involved.

Now for a serious thought, for a change.  Re Clinton and Trump: No one including me is denying that Bill Clinton is a tomcat and has behaved badly over sex. But there is a difference to my mind between Bill’s zipper problem and Trump’s flat-out insulting and hateful attitude towards women – “all of the women on “The Apprentice” flirted with me—consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” And calling a woman lawyer who needed to take a break to pump breast milk “disgusting.”

Going down

June 24, 2015

And so in Alabama, Gov. Robert Bentley just simply ordered the Confederate flag taken down from the Capitol. The most stunning thing about this, no fuss, no muss, no drama – he just had it taken down. What a concept! .

Who says there’s no hope for our country? The Confederate flag is coming down everywhere, and FOX News has declined to renew Sarah Palin’s $1 million-a-year contract as a contributor.

Just in case anyone thought we were having too much of a epidemic of sanity on the Confederate flag issue, I give you Ann Coulter, who is upset with Nikki Haley: “I’m appalled…though on the other hand, she is an immigrant and does not understand America’s history.” (Haley was born in Bamberg, South Carolina.)

Although suppose Coulter might be tangentially onto something. As an alien Ann herself doesn’t really understand humans.

Apparently since no other candidate has broken out of the pack, Bobby Jindal thinks he has a chance and is going to join the 2016 Presidential race. You know, I can watch a tight cluster of people atop say, the U.S. Open leaderboard, without suddenly thinking I could win at golf.

Regarding that Whole Foods overcharging story, where NYC inspectors found EVERY label was inaccurate as to weight. So the store couldn’t have just raised prices a dollar or so a pound? Seems like their basic pricing policy already was ‪#‎ifyouhavetoaskyoucantaffordit‬

Before tonight, the SF Giants are averaging 2.91 runs a game at AT&T Park and over 5 runs a game during away games. This is as skewed a road to home scoring ratio as we have seen since Bill Clinton first hit the campaign trail.

So since the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ don’t seem to be able to hit at home these days, maybe they should get a certain former left fielder in for a little batting practice coaching. #25 always seemed to manage it pretty well.

Though to be fair, the Giants now haves Nori Aoki on the DL due to a fractured fibula after being hit by a pitch, joining Hunter Pence who is on the DL due to a wrist injury resulting from HIS forearm being broken by a pitch in spring training. So is this the league’s plan to dethrone the World Champions,, take them out one player at a time?

Amtrak apparently stranded passengers on a New York City bound train Tuesday for about five hours without food, air conditioning or working bathrooms. Are they really trying to compete with the airlines?”

Chicago Bears QB Jay Cutler’s wife, Kristin Cavallari, apparently told ELLE Magazine earlier that the family wants to leave Chicago and move to Nashville once her husband retires. And many Bears fans are thinking, “Could this be arranged by Christmas?”

In a Fox News poll, 18% of respondents said Donald Trump is a serious candidate; 77% said he is “a side show.” Presumably the other 5% were laughing so hard they couldn’t speak.

This ought to be entertaining. The Grateful Dead concerts this weekend at Levi’s Stadium follow NFL rules. Meaning you can bring a small clutch or wallet, but the ONLY bags you can bring in are limited-size clear plastic bags, period. Well, at least most Deadheads have years of experience going to concerts with small plastic bags.

Is there a draft in here?

April 30, 2015

The Cleveland Browns are apparently discussing a trade to get Marcus Mariota. Who’d a thunk it? For the 2015 season, a team appears to have more confidence in Tim Tebow than one has in Johnny Manziel.

 

Apparently North Dakota Rep. Randy Boehning has admitted now that he is gay after a man who he sexted on Grindr outed him over his hypocritical voting record. All these closeted creeps must be longing for the good old days when the only way you’d probably get found out was propositioning an undercover officer.

Really eerie watching all the players stand for the National Anthem at Camden Yards with no fans in the stands. Former NLers Adam LaRoche and Ubaldo Jimenez must have felt like they were about to start a game at Dodger Stadium.

 

The Houston Rockets fired their head of social media. For tweeting an image of a horse with a gun pointed at it, with the comment “it will all be over soon” as Houston was about to sweep the Dallas Mavericks. Tacky. Although inn the grand scheme of things, there have been worse tweets.

But from someone who was HIRED to be an expert in social media? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

The NFL has “voluntarily” given up their tax-exempt status. Meaning one of two things. Either the league figures Congress was close to actually doing something before an election year. Or their tax accountants have figured out another way to avoid paying.

 

Jack Ely, 71. who sang “Louie Louie” with Ely and the Kingsmen in 1963, has died. It may not the greatest recording all time. But “Louie Louie” probably holds the record for the song which has had the most brain cells destroyed while listening to it. ‪#‎Toga‬!

 

Eight home runs in 21 innings in 2015 for Ryan Vogelsong. I know Vogelsong is trying to secure his place for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ after Matt Cain returns, but someone should tell him the Giants already have a BP pitcher.

It’s only April, but Alabama CB Cyrus Jones has become the fourth player on the team arrested this spring. For two counts of misdemeanor domestic violence. Maybe Nick Saban shouldn’t be trying quite so hard to recruit players who are NFL ready?

Republicans hope to damage Hillary Clinton with allegations that the Clinton Foundation took money from foreigners who hoped to benefit from her State Department decisions. While GOP 2016 Presidential candidates have hauled in hundreds of millions already from Super PACs. Well, makes a certain amount of sense, guess they feel politicians should be bought and paid for right here in the USA.

Reports are that so far this year North Korea’s Kim Jong Un has ordered the execution of 15 senior officials who were accused of challenging his authority. And President Obama’s got to be thinking “You can do that?”

 

 

Florida Congressman Mario Diaz-Balart has attached a provision to a Dept. of Transportation appropriations bill to bar any new flights or cruise ships to Cuba, saying it’s because of the President’s “shameful eagerness to appease dictators.”

Guess I’ve missed Diaz-Balart’s efforts to break off relations with, amongst other countries, Saudi Arabia.

This picture might be worth 2,000 words.

January 2, 2015

As tweeted by Danny Nanell    “The SEC Programming Network tomorrow.”

 

sec

 

For the first time since 2005, there will be no ‪#‎SEC‬ team in the BCS National Championship. No punch line, I just like writing it.

 

 

Children in Africa tonight will be rejoicing over a shipment of brand new FSU vs. Alabama National Championship T-shirts.

 

 

Many Florida State players refused to shake hands with Oregon players after the Rose Bowl samples. Maybe they were worried about giving possible DNA samples?

Early in the 4th quarter,  ESPN said ‪#‎Oregon‬  was “executing.” Yep, execution was the right term. FSU was looking for a clemency call from the governor.. ‪#‎RoseBowl‬

Good thing ‪#‎FSU‬ didn’t bring their 2013 BCS championship crystal trophy to the ‪#‎RoseBowl‬. They probably would have dropped it. ‪#‎OREvsFSU‬

One Big Ten excuse in various Rose Bowls over the years is that Midwest teams have sometimes been distracted by a week in warm weather. Florida State might need to come up with a new one.

As Lee Slice pointed out, the national championship is now – – the Rose Bowl.  (Big 10 vs. Pac 10/12)

 

Like many, I had hard time deciding who to root against more? Nick Saban or Urban Meyer?    I think my son had it right, rooting for a 2nd half brawl that gets some players from the winning team suspended against Oregon.

(Of course, in retrospect, another reason to be happy about the OSU win, we know we won’t have to watch Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin on the sidelines.)

Lewis Rudolph, 95, a co-founder of Krispy Kreme, has died. So presume instead of being embalmed he will be glazed?

 

Undocumented immigrants can now get drivers licenses in California.  While there are some issues where good people can disagree as to whether this is a good or bad idea, there’s one absolutely good thing about it – undocumented immigrants can now also get car insurance in California.  #andnotliketheywerentgoingtodriveanyway

 

Mario Cuomo has died at the age of 82. When it came to whether or not to run for President his decision-making abilities rivaled those of Brett Favre. But a very smart man, and one of the best political speakers of our time: “The American people need no course in philosophy or political science or church history to know that God should not be made into a celestial party chairman.”