Posted tagged ‘roy moore jokes’

Roll Tide.

December 13, 2017

As promised, two words I thought I’d never say. Roll Tide!!! #ThankyouAlabama

 

So has Alabama suddenly become America’s team?

#PopovichBarkley2020?

Forget small quantity of oil lasting 8 days. #DougJones turning Alabama blue is a true Hanukkah miracle.

Jose Canseco – “These women complaining against sexual misconduct are just racist against ugly men.” Guess that home run ball off his head hit him harder than we thought.

Reportedly Astros saw that Yu Darvish was tipping his pitches in World Series. Question of the day – why couldn’t the Dodgers see it?

Four best words of the morning for San Antonio fans “Kawhi is back tonight.”

But Leonard only played 16 minutes, and then Spurs lost to Mavericks.  Wonder if Pop told him “we did better without you.”

Nick Saban may have gotten more write-in votes than the difference between #DougJones & #RoyMoore#RollTide

Doug Jones margin of victory is less than Alabama write-in total. How often does a Democrat say “Thank you @SenShelby”

Bannon basically attacked Ivanka w/ his “special place in hell for Republicans” line. And crickets from @POTUS. What about a special place in hell for fathers who don’t support their daughters? @realDonaldTrump

Tweet of the day from Meghan McCain “Suck it, Bannon.”

Wonder if Roy Moore’s “Jew” lawyer just quit.

Roy Moore still not conceding – “God is in control.” Yeah, and clearly she was pissed.

Wonder if Roy Moore only rides a horse because he hears it attracts teenage girls.

Moore said this morning that Alabama voters should “vote their conscience.”   Wonder if he wishes he could take that back.

 

Fox headline “Roy Moore, battered by the media and the establishment, loses in huge Alabama upset.”
How about “Roy Moore, battered by his own past actions and statements, loses in a state where a monkey in a Santa Suit could have won with an ‘R’ by his name.”

Trump is saying he never met some of the women who have accused him of sexual assault, despite there being pictures of him with them. So what @POTUS is really telling us is that he has dementia?

Trump saying again he wants to end ‘chain migration,” since Port Authority wannabe bomber got in because of one of his relatives.
But hey, isn’t “chain migration” how US got stuck with Ivanka, Jared, Don Jr, & Eric in influential positions?

Anyone who believes there are “many fine people” on both sides should read some of comments on SF Mayor Ed Lee’s death on FoxNews website. But be prepared to throw up.

Mistakes were made.

December 11, 2017

Giancarlo Stanton sounds positively giddy about leaving #Marlins for #Yankees. And of course NY fans & media will be so supportive if he has anything less than an MVP year.

 

NFL warned teams today it will begin “significant discipline” to anyone engaging in offensive conduct or contact against game officials.”
What about discipline for offensive officiating?

On a non-political note, three of the nicest words for Tuesday are “Kawhi Leonard ‘probable.”” #GoSpursGo @Spurs

According to Hank Schulman Stanton has been spending “Octobers in Europe unable to really watch the playoffs because it just kills him.”
Save this post if Yankees miss 2018 Postseason

Derek Jeter, on Stanton trade “No, there isn’t anything I would do differently.” Has someone checked former Yankees’ captain for concussions?

 

Maybe they don’t have Louis Vuitton stores in Lithuania?

Now it’s #CarsonWentz who is out for the season. With three weeks to go how many stars will be left for the @NFL playoffs?

Oops. Neither Bangladesh nor Brooklyn were on Trump’s travel ban list.#PortAuthority

#PortAuthority suspect said he made his bomb at work. And some people feel guilty about wasting employer time by with games or online shopping.

Dept of Education under Betsy Devos has stopped cancelling student loan debt for those defrauded by failed for-profit schools. Because how could they acknowledge it might have been a major mistake to attend Trump University?

Just imagine if when @BarackObama went to Hawaii for vacation he stayed at resort owned by his family & made a profit off trip. GOP heads would have exploded.

If you’re really “pro-life” it seems like a no-brainer to vote for man who successfully prosecuted murderers of four little girls. @GDouglasJones

 

December bringing different man or men every day accused of sexual harassment. This is becoming like a very twisted advent calendar.

It”s only Monday & this week #RyanLizza#MarioBatali…. Beginning to think it’s a bad idea to put men in positions of power.

Waiting for @realDonaldTrump to respond that he doesn’t get what all #KaylaMoore fuss is about “I have a Jew son-in-law.”

 

Just wondering, how many people have attorneys (plural) and KNOW what religion they all are? #KaylaMoore #NoMoore

Considering #KaylaMoore‘s “Jew” lawyer comment & his friend talking about child brothels, I understand why #RoyMoore tried to lie low weekend before election.

Crickets on #PortAuthority from @realDonaldTrump If alleged wannabe terrorist had been from country on his travel ban he’d have tweeted within 30 seconds.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders says on Trump sexual assault allegations “American people knew this & voted for him,”   So WTF was Donald Trump doing going after Bill Clinton 20+ years later after his election?

Trump attacks @NYTimes for saying he watches 4-8 hours of TV a day. Maybe he means he really watches 8-12 hours….

Still the captain?

December 9, 2017

If Yankees win 2018 World Series will they vote Jeter a playoff share?

 

So too soon to investigate former Yankee Derek Jeter for possible collusion?#Stanton

Maybe it’s time to rename them the Flori-duh Marlins.

If you already rooted against @Yankees then it’s not sour grapes if you start rooting against Stanton right? @SFGiants

Ohtani claimed he wanted a small market team. So will LA revert to calling themselves the Anaheim Angels?

United and Delta now doing basic economy fares on transatlantic flights. Because international flights weren’t fun enough without bargain-hunting families with children getting assigned to all middle seats and then trying to bug other people on the plane to switch with them.

 

As a candidate @realDonaldTrump mocked a disabled reporter. Last night he mocked a sexual assault victim. Make America Gross Again? #MAGA

At Trump’s first White House Hanukkah Party, did he tell them Christmas is back, bigger and better than ever?

At least one of the women who came forward about Roy Moore has been receiving death threats. And some still wonder why women don’t speak out.

 

We’ve gone from Senate candidate who dated children to congressman who wanted staffers to have his children. Can see why GOP is family values party.

Trump attacks @CNN after date error for being Fake News. But crickets on @FoxNews having to rescind the Roy Moore yearbook forgery story.

After Friday’s rally and ‘Lock her up” chants in Pensacola maybe the rest of Florida wants to secede from the Panhandle?

Fox News ranted about about acquittal in Kate Steinle case. Where’s their outrage on what seems much more egregious Daniel Shaver case?

What a world, many mass shootings & GOP still supports all gun owners. But idea that one #MeToo allegation might be false to them discredits all women.

More snow in Atlanta. Maybe someone shouldn’t have said hell would freeze over before the GOP endorsed a pro-slavery child molester for Senate.

GOP absolutely will fight for female baby’s right to be born so she can grow up & then be mocked & derided when she complains about sexual assault. #Prolifemyass

Walk-ons

December 6, 2017

 

FSU’s Derwin James, a projected early 1st round draft pick, skipping Seminoles postseason. Must have been tough decision, who hasn’t dreamed of playing in Walk-Ons Independence Bowl?

(Wonder if James would have still passed had it been the legendary Poulan Weed-Eater Independence Bowl?)

 

LaVar Ball now blaming UCLA coaching staff for his son’s shoplifting, saying they “should have enforced stronger rules during the trip.”

Because kids otherwise would never understand that “no shoplifting” was a rule?

Apparently Liangelo Ball isn’t likely to be drafted by the NBA nor be offered a job playing in Europe.  And he probably hasn’t helped his chances with the ASEAN Basketball League (ASEAN = Association of Southeast Asian Nations – Southeast Asia, China, Hong Kong and Taiwan)

 

Tuesday night Colin Kaepernick got Muhammad Ali Legacy Award, presented by Beyonce. Note to @realDonaldTrump – you can attack a lot of people & get away with it. Probably not Beyonce.

Russia has been banned from 2018 Olympics for systematic state-sanctioned doping. How crooked do you have to be that even the IOC is appalled?

So will Trump let banned Russian athletes compete for the US? #2018WinterOlympics

Wisconsin is moving ahead with plan to drug test food stamp users. Why stop there. Drug test everyone getting money from state. Starting with those in government.

Labor Dept wants to overturn Obama rule requiring employers to give waitstaff all their tips, as opposed to tip-pooling. . Except Trump rule would allow employers to keep ALL tips. Sure that wouldn’t happen at say, Mar-A-Lago….

Almost impossible to find economists supporting #GOPTaxScam bill. Which is another reason GOP wants to make it harder to be graduate student in economics.

State Dept fears Trump move of US embassy to Jerusalem will provoke violence & possible terrorism. Which no doubt is what Trump is counting on to distract from Russia.

Steve Bannon attacks Mitt Romney for “hiding behind his religion” to avoid service in Vietnam. As opposed to the bravery of President Bone Spurs?

U.S. border apprehensions are down 25% this year. So maybe immigrants are using more plane, boats and tunnels?

GOP believes bakers shouldn’t have to make wedding cake for gay couples. Should restaurants have to serve 35 yr old men dating teenagers?

Would #MasterpieceCakeshop make a cake for a 32 year old man to bring to a 16 year old girl?

Roy Moore talking about taking Alabama values to Washington. Which means if he’s elected, no Senator going forward will be able to get a babysitter for their kids.

From TC  “US military exercises in South Korea are again provoking NK prez Kim Chee. They are now daring him to prove his missles can reach the mainland by offering The Silverdome as a target.”

 

Consistency

November 26, 2017

Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and the Cleveland Browns sucking.

Alabama fans think they should still be in the College Football Playoff despite being beaten solidly by Auburn.  Well, especially after the Crimson Tide played a tough out-of-conference schedule including Colorado State and Mercer.

When @POTUS endorses a child molester for Senate guess it made sense for Tennessee to try hire someone who covered up child abuse as their head coach.

Although, news flash – Tennessee at least noted public outrage and has apparently changed their mind on Greg Schiano.

 

Cyber Monday looks like more than a few college football teams will be shopping for coaches.

Tony Parker finally returning to @Spurs Monday night.   San Antonio thrilled to have him back, & thankful most of his considerable medical expenses were covered by Medicare.

Last Sunday’s Ford EcoBoost 400, NASCAR Cup Series finale, had lowest ratings in race’s 19 yr history.  Again, must have been all those black drivers kneeling.

 

Since everyone is online all the time now shouldn’t #CyberMonday be retitled “Cyber Day that ends in Y?

Not saying there’s a #Kaepernick curse on @NFL. But there sure are a lot of QBs playing badly in 2017.

“Hi, I’m Roy, and what grade are you in honey? #ThingsNotToSayAtAHolidayParty

Now @realDonaldTrump questioning Access Hollywood tape after admitting it was real. So he’s calling his own words #FakeNews.

Trump is now calling Doug Jones a “Schumer/Pelosi” puppet. Aww, what happened to all those nice words he said about Chuck & Nancy?

 

Rough weekend for Trump – He can’t decide whether to tweet that he SHOULD be Time’s Man of the Year, or dismiss the magazine as Fake News.

Trump says Doug Jones wants to “RAISES (sic) TAXES.” And he’d probably want to spent taxes on things like education? #grammarandspellinghavealiberalbias

Susan Sarandon has a right to her anti-Hillary opinion, but hard to tell Alabama voters they have to vote for the lesser evil, when liberals won’t do same thing.

At least w/ all of Trump’s #FakeNews rants many Americans who might sympathize w/ #NYTimes‘ Nazi normalization story no longer read the paper.

Real turkeys.

November 22, 2017

NFL really missing great marketing opportunity – “This Thanksgiving, watch our games instead of talking politics with your relatives.”

Although  football fans in search of a real turkey may have to wait two days past Thanksgiving.  When Tennessee and Vanderbilt, both 0-7 in SEC conference play, play each other.

Ex-Braves GM John Coppolella banned for life from MLB for violating rules on intl signing. You’d think with cheating on that level Atlanta would have better team.

 

Jerry Jones decides not to sue NFL over Roger Goodell’s contract extension. What a relief for all those opposed to billionaire on billionaire violence.

Even though Markelle Fultz is injured, 76ers got to think they dodged a bullet picking him now instead of Lonzo Ball (& dad.)

NASCAR ratings on Fox Sports are down 17% this year. I’m sure it’s all those black drivers kneeling for the National Anthem.

Charlie Rose has been fired. At this point his only hope for a career save is to run for office as Republican promising to support tax cuts.

Following Trump’s pardon Tuesday morning, will Thanksgiving at Mar-A-Lago see Jared and Don Jr. fight over the turkey costume?

GOP & Trump position – only women telling the truth about sexual assault are accusing Democrats.

For those trying to think of something to keep them too nauseous to overeat on Thanksgiving – Roy Moore’s friend, defending Moore’s dating habits – “there’s something about a purity of a young woman.”

By calling all women who have accused him liars, Roy Moore is assaulting them a second time.

Cynthia Wesley, Carole Robertson & Addie Mae Collins were 14 yrs old, Denise McNair was 11. But according to Trump, Doug Jones, who finally convicted their killers, is “soft on crime.” #deplorable

Who Trump trusts: Roy Moore, Vladimir Putin.
Who Trump doesn’t trust: Everybody else

Maybe Democrats are taking too high a road on their defense of #NetNeutrality. Maybe we just need to shout at men “This will stop your free porn.”

Not so big ballers.

November 15, 2017

No way was China putting American basketball players in jail for 10 years. If NBA pulled their shoe factories would put tens of thousands of Chinese children out of work.

 

UCLA coach Steve Alford suspended 3 players caught shoplifting, they “will use this time to focus on their academics.” Players thinking-“what are academics?”

Without the three suspended players UCLA did pull out a win. In overtime. Against Central Arkansas.  So will the suspension be two or three games?

 

Hal Steinbrenner said he would have still fired Joe Girardi had Yankees won World Series. Even George would have thought that a bit harsh.

Ezekiel Elliott has withdrawn appeal & will serve his suspension. Which coincidentally will get him back just in time for playoffs. #Cowboys

Wouldn’t it be nice if the good citizens of Alabama surprise us and give #DougJones a resounding victory on Dec. 12?

In Tulsa a 26-year-old Democrat upset an incumbent GOP State Senator. Did I mention she is a woman.  Who is lesbian. Who has an African-American wife…. Oklahoma fabulously OK.

 

Trump  – America’s “‘standing’ has never been stronger than it is right now.” To quote Princess Bride, “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Whole Foods/Amazon announced they’re lowering Thanksgiving prices. So this year you can finance your turkey without taking out a 2nd mortgage.

Charles Manson reportedly in “grave condition.” What a shame said absolutely, positively, nobody.

Pretty clear #CharlesManson has only lasted as long as he has because the devil doesn’t want him either.

Senate bill will eliminate taxes on management fee taxes paid by private jet owners. Finally, some serious middle-class tax relief.

Some saying in light of #RoyMoore situation we’re letting Bill Clinton get off too easy on assault allegations. Think Dems might change role of Bill in party now if GOP would change role of Trump.

 

#RoyMoore‘s lawyer, the allegations are “incredibly, incredibly, painful for him, his wife, his mom, his daughter, his grandchildren.” Uh, those girls are and/or were someone’s “wives, moms, daughter and grandchildren.”

Trump is now overturning Obama’s ban on importing elephant & rhino trophies. Normally a pacifist but about ready to throw something at next person who says Hillary & Trump were no different.

So many laws, so little time?

November 14, 2017

Arkansas has suspended freshman QB Cole Kelley, 20, after a DWI arrest, for at least one game. Coach Bielema: “Starting games here is a very big deal. Social media and everything else around, he’s going to be held to a higher standard. … ”
A DWI arrest at 20? Higher standard than what?

UCLA players accused of shoplifting are on flights home. That’ll teach them – shoplift designer sunglasses & you could be forced to spent a week away from classes at a deluxe hotel.

On a lighter note, USA Today projections for 2017-18 Bowl Games. Holiday Bowl Dec 28 – Stanford vs Michigan. #HolyHarbaugh

France is apparently considering legalizing sex with 13 yr-olds. In related news #RoyMoore is considering retirement to Paris.

Shooter today in Rancho Tehama another angry white guy. Standby for more GOP thoughts & prayers,” & talk about mental illness while cutting funding for mental health.

Everyone who insists #RoyMoore‘s behavior was normal for Alabama at the time, forgets that people thought he was creepy AT THE TIME.

Now Paul Ryan is calling on Roy Moore to step aside. Unless he gets elected in which case  he’ll want Moore to resign after voting for tax cuts.

McConnell floating idea of Sessions as write-in candidate for Alabama Senate. Though apparently AG  has same possible Alzheimer’s memory problems as Moore. #ICantRecall

Paul Ryan “House will adopt a policy of mandatory anti-harassment & anti-discrimination training for all Members & staff. ” What about Oval Office?

Trump got off a plane tonight from the Philippines and promptly tweeted  “May God be with the people of Sutherland Springs, Texas. The FBI and Law Enforcement has arrived.”

 

Question of night, will @realDonaldTrump delete tweet referencing 9-day-old mass shooting instead of today’s, or double down on it?
#SutherlandSprings #RanchoTehama

Two men’s teams out.

November 13, 2017

Well, at least Italy and USA can get together for a serious pizza & beer World Cup watching party.

Question of the night – How did the Dolphins manage to win 4 games?

Knicks  blew 15 point lead in 4th quarter tonight to lose by 3 to Cavs. Who do they think they are, the Atlanta Falcons?

So does the “Citizen of the Year” cover mean GOP will boycott GQ too?

Trump reportedly asked Chinese President Xi to help resolve UCLA basketball shoplifting case. Because what could come of having young men grow up thinking laws don’t apply to them?

Amazing, now the Twitter bots are on to Bill Clinton allegations. Last I heard he isn’t running for Senate.

Few could believe Catholic Church could so dishonor their own religion by turning a blind eye to pedophiles. Alabama pastors “Hold our beer.”

Keurig CEO Bob Gamgort said company didn’t intend to “take sides” w/ Roy Moore. Are there “many fine people on both sides” of adults dating teenagers?

 –
Can’t wait for some Trump/Moore supporter to say that yearbook note was somehow forged by same person who forged Obama’s birth certificate.

Now Fox News accusing GOP who condemn Moore of being hypocrites for not condemning George H.W. Bush. Groping is not OK, even for an old man. But H.W. is not now running for Senate.

Trump nominates Alex Azar as HHS Secretary. “He will be a star for better healthcare & lower drug prices.” Right, because who lowers drug prices better than an pharmaceutical executive?

Imagine GOP response if Chelsea Clinton had been found to be communicating with Wikileaks?

On Roy Moore, again. One is a mistake, two is really bad judgment….four is a pattern. Where there’s four there’s more.

If #RoyMoore does somehow withstand scandal & gets elected assume GOP in Senate embrace him at least as long as it takes to get tax cuts?

Just guessing even if #RoyMoore wins his offer will be turned down to play Santa Claus at White House Christmas Party.

(Though perhaps he might get the gig at Mar-A-Lago)

 

As a 1977 high school graduate I don’t remember every inscription in my yearbook. But pretty damn sure there’s none from a 30 year old man signed “Love.”

Eras of errors

November 10, 2017

The three arrested UCLA players were reportedly shoplifting Louis Vuitton sunglasses? They couldn’t have just bought fakes on street like other US tourists? #cantfixstupid

Anyone missing black light posters from 1970s should love Thursday night’s Seahawks uniforms.

In Fremont, California, a man’s car was towed when he was found to be driving on a suspended license. He then allegedly stole a FedEx truck and was arrested. Your move, Florida.

So Ezekiel Elliott’s suspension is back on as of Thursday morning. Too soon to start a pool on the next injunction?

Royals manager Ned Yost broke his pelvis when he fell working on a tree at his home. Hope if former Giants reliever Jeremy Affeldt has trees that he knows a good arborist.

Anthony Weiner is asking for pen pals in prison. I sure hope he’s also asking for proof of age.

Notre Dame reversed its decision to not provide free birth control to employees & students. Did someone remind them of need to recruit football players?

In Virginia,  Bob Marshall’s sister denounced him as homophobe on FB & said his loss to Danica Roem was “karma.” You think your Thanksgiving dinner will be awkward.

#FEMA is relocating some people from Puerto Rico at least temporarily to the US mainland. If it’s Florida can they stay until 2020 election?

Some boycotting Jim Beam over Mila Kunis’s donations to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pence’s name. Damn, does this mean I have to start drinking Jim Beam?

Pretty clear that if a lot of men in Hollywood want to save their careers they need to change their registration to GOP and run for office.

#RoyMoore has made a career of obsessing about other people’s sex lives. Beginning to think Freud might have been onto something.

Trying to imagine what would happen if same woman accused both Bill Clinton & Roy Moore. Fox News heads would explode.

That moment when we’re arguing over whether GOP candidate for Senate is a pedophile or just a sexual predator.

Four women have made allegations about #RoyMoore. Over-under on the total by the end of the weekend?

 

If there’s four there’s more. #RoyMoore

#RoyMoore blaming predator allegations on “Obama-Clinton machine’s liberal media lapdogs.” Congrats to all those who had “About 6 hours” in the pool.

Trump heading to Vietnam, Melania staying in Beijing before heading to Alaska. Wonder if @FLOTUS heard whispering “free at last, free at last…”

 

 

Not a joke, but a great memory about Roy Halladay from T.C.  quoting his Canadian Hall of Fame speech:  “In a road game, fireworks were being shot off every time the home team hit a homer. After giving up three home runs in the first couple of innings, the pitching coach came out. Halladay told him whatever he had to say to keep it to himself. The coach said he had nothing to say, but just came out to give the guy time to reload the fireworks.”