Posted tagged ‘Cyber Monday jokes’

Consistency

November 26, 2017

Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and the Cleveland Browns sucking.

Alabama fans think they should still be in the College Football Playoff despite being beaten solidly by Auburn.  Well, especially after the Crimson Tide played a tough out-of-conference schedule including Colorado State and Mercer.

When @POTUS endorses a child molester for Senate guess it made sense for Tennessee to try hire someone who covered up child abuse as their head coach.

Although, news flash – Tennessee at least noted public outrage and has apparently changed their mind on Greg Schiano.

 

Cyber Monday looks like more than a few college football teams will be shopping for coaches.

Tony Parker finally returning to @Spurs Monday night.   San Antonio thrilled to have him back, & thankful most of his considerable medical expenses were covered by Medicare.

Last Sunday’s Ford EcoBoost 400, NASCAR Cup Series finale, had lowest ratings in race’s 19 yr history.  Again, must have been all those black drivers kneeling.

 

Since everyone is online all the time now shouldn’t #CyberMonday be retitled “Cyber Day that ends in Y?

Not saying there’s a #Kaepernick curse on @NFL. But there sure are a lot of QBs playing badly in 2017.

“Hi, I’m Roy, and what grade are you in honey? #ThingsNotToSayAtAHolidayParty

Now @realDonaldTrump questioning Access Hollywood tape after admitting it was real. So he’s calling his own words #FakeNews.

Trump is now calling Doug Jones a “Schumer/Pelosi” puppet. Aww, what happened to all those nice words he said about Chuck & Nancy?

 

Rough weekend for Trump – He can’t decide whether to tweet that he SHOULD be Time’s Man of the Year, or dismiss the magazine as Fake News.

Trump says Doug Jones wants to “RAISES (sic) TAXES.” And he’d probably want to spent taxes on things like education? #grammarandspellinghavealiberalbias

Susan Sarandon has a right to her anti-Hillary opinion, but hard to tell Alabama voters they have to vote for the lesser evil, when liberals won’t do same thing.

At least w/ all of Trump’s #FakeNews rants many Americans who might sympathize w/ #NYTimes‘ Nazi normalization story no longer read the paper.

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Youthful follies.

December 2, 2014

Elizabeth Lauten, who posted that rant on FB about the Obama girls and their clothes, resigned today as communications director for a GOP congressman from Tennessee. Well, at least she won’t have to deal with that interview question “why did you leave your last job?”.

Some wonder where Elizabeth Lauten will end up next. I got dibs on FOX News in the pool.

Madonna, 56, is topless in a new photo spread in “Interview” magazine. And you think you embarrass YOUR children.

 

Cleveland QB Brian Hoyer, defending his role as the team’s starter. “We’re 7-5. That just doesn’t happen by luck.” No, but getting to have played Tennessee, Jacksonville, Oakland, Atlanta, New Orleans and Tampa Bay doesn’t hurt either.

Some tickets for tonight’s Miami-NY ‪#‎MNF‬ game were going for $15. But many Jets fans were holding out to be paid more.

It’s getting bad. At this point the only halfway decent team playing football in New Jersey might be 7-5 ‪#‎Rutgers‬. ‪#‎NYJets‬ #nyjets

The Washington Redskins had a “Cyber Monday” deal for season tickets. “By Telephone Only.” Sounds like Dan Snyder and company get the concept of “Cyber Monday” about as well as they get the idea of putting together a decent football team.

 

 

Cyber Monday is over. The one day of the year when average American women are as focused on their jobs as most men are during the first day of March Madness.

Lindsey Vonn says her boyfriend Tiger Woods is an “inspiration”. “You’re just figuring that out now?” responded comedy writers.

The NFL has decided not to fine the St. Louis Rams players who made the “hands up don’t shoot” gesture before yesterday’s game with Oakland. Nor are they fining the Raiders who looked like they were REALLY surrendering.

TC says  “The Raiders played the entire game with their hands up also. Did you know their “Challenge Flag” is white?”

House Speaker John Boehner has indicated another government shutdown could be possible when a temporary funding measure expires Dec. 11. Here’s a simple solution – NO ONE from Congress goes home for the holidays until they have a deal, period..

The winner of Uruguay’s presidential election, Tabare Vazques, has promised to create the first state-run marijuana marketplace. In related news, travel agents report a sudden jump in calls asking to visit Uruguay.

The price of everything?

December 1, 2014

Here we go, ‪#‎CyberMonday‬. Where merchants offer X% off on items they may or may not have raised by X or X plus Y % last week.

The airport security line at Midway Airport  reportedly was over 1.2 miles long Sunday am. Let’s hope the airlines at least gave passengers that extra frequent flier mile.

Some of the St. Louis Rams are being criticized for walking out before their game against Oakland in the “hands up, don’t shoot” position used by Ferguson protesters.

Two questions. 1. Where’s the “free speech” crowd who defended the “Duck Dynasty” patriarch and others on this one?    2. Wonder how many of these players have been pulled over for “driving while black?”

Personally, while I decry looting and property destruction, I don’t have a problem with this peaceful protest.    And then as my friend Mary S said “They had the right to make a peaceful statement, then proceeded to beat the holy crap out of the Raiders…”

All these interesting early games in the NFL Sunday, and Northern California got to see the 52-0 Rams-Raiders game….. Can TV ratings be negative numbers?

#‎Raiders‬ today made a strong case for the ‪#‎NFL‬ instituting a mercy rule. ‪#‎OAKvsSTL‬

Have to wonder how did these Raiders ever beat the Chiefs? Heck, they aren’t looking like they could beat Alabama. ‪#‎OAKvsSTL‬

 

Los Angeles fans don’t have an NFL team. After today, New York fans don’t think they have one either.

There are rumors that the 49ers might trade Jim Harbaugh to another NFL team for a draft pick – and the top two teams and the Raiders and the Jets!? And comedy writers are thinking “Christmas is coming early.

 

Mike Golic was one of only 3 of 14 ESPN experts to pick the Eagles over the Cowboys, and the ONLY one to pick the Saints over the Steelers. Maybe a karmic reward from the football gods for enough of a sense of humor to do that semi-nude picture?

Janay Rice who attended her husband’s June meetings with Roger Goodell, says of the NFL commissioner, “I can’t say he’s telling the truth.” Give Goodell credit, it really takes talent to come out of a situation like this looking worse than the guy who knocked out a woman.

Meanwhile, in Canada, the CFL Grey Cup was Sunday night. Hamilton vs. Calgary. Many Americans are thinking “what’s the Grey Cup?” Still others are thinking “Where’s Hamilton?

 

UAB – the .University of Alabama at Birmingham -may be about to shut down their football program. And after the last month, have to wonder how many Notre Dame alums are saying “want our team instead?

Economic Stimulus?

December 4, 2013

About $500 million spent on free agents this offseason in MLB and the Yankees have spent about half of it. 28 teams are aghast. And the Dodgers are thinking “We can top this.”

 

 

Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday, What’s next “Back To Work Wednesday?”

Two security guards at Houston’s Reliant Stadium were fired for having their pictures taken with Tom Brady. Maybe the team should have cut the guys a break, it’s not like any reasonable person would want a picture taken with one of this year’s Texans

 

The best news for t-shirt vendors near Fenway Park tonight. They can print over all the “Johnny Damon traitor/Judas” shirts and substitute “Jacoby Ellsbury.

Jacoby Ellsbury has signed a 7 year, $153 million contract with the Yankees. This is apparently part of the new NY strategy – “Austerity as long as we are not competing with the Red Sox.”

A new study shows U.S. students well below average compared to the rest of the world in math, particularly in their ability to apply mathematics to real world situations. No kidding. As at FedEx field Sunday where we saw issues with counting to 10 and even 4.

Brett Favre is the offensive coordinator for Oak Grove High School in Hattiesburg, MS, and his team is playing in the state championship Friday. The real question, how does Favre make play-calling decisions in time to avoid delay of game penalties?

Arizona coach Bruce Arians sent 15 plays to the NFL to highlighting “obvious” officiating errors during the Cardinals 24-21 loss to the Eagles. Wonder if the officials sent back a list of 15 or more “obvious” coaching errors.

 

 

The Washington, D.C. tree was formally lit Tuesday night. The way things are going in our nation’s capitol, wonder if President Obama had to threaten a nuclear option to prevent John Boehrner from subjecting the tree to a filibuster.

 

While he declined to attend, Peyton Manning took the time to sign and return a wedding invitation sent to him by a “lifelong fan.” Nice to see an NFL player making news for signing something other than a citation or bail contract.

 

The California GOP is taking some heat for a fake Obamacare website. (coveringhealthcareca.com as opposed to the real coveredca.com) Wonder how long it will take an confused out-of-state Republican to trash the site as not working correctly.

Delta Airlines bumped 50 passengers at Gainesville Airport when they used their plane to accommodate the University of Florida men’s basketball team, whose charter had a mechanical problem. That’s the basketball team. Had it been the UF football team this year, Delta probably would have put them on a Greyhound bus.

 

Paul Walker seemed like a really cool guy who did a lot of good with his stardom. And he died way too young. But as far as it being a tragedy? Mechanical or not, racing or not, that car was going really really fast. The real tragedy would have been if they spun out of control and hit another car or innocent bystanders crossing the street… IMHO

Ka ching or not ka ching

December 2, 2013

Would everyone please finish their Cyber Monday shopping? I would like my computer to return to its normal non-glacial speed.

Cyber Monday sales were up 17.5% from last year.  And no doubt office productivity was down at least the same amount.

Carmelo Anthony says the NY Knicks are “playing to lose.” Uh, except that would assume the Knicks are capable of accomplishing one of their objectives.

Oxymoron headline of the day? “The highly anticipated Kardashian Christmas card is here.”

(Although as Gib Worley says “Remember the comedy writers!”)

It is amazing, all these people screaming about NSA surveillance and U.S. drones, seem to have no problem with targeted online sales in their in-boxes based on things they wrote in emails. Or the thought of Amazon dropping their packages to them some day….

Not the Onion: In Birmingham at a party for Alabama fans, one woman apparently shot and killed another for not being a “real fan” Because the dead woman wasn’t upset enough about Auburn’s last second win and was allegedly joking that it wasn’t as bad as if the NBA’s Miami Heat had lost a game. Your move, Florida.

The Republican National Committee sent out a tweet yesterday. “Today we remember Rosa Parks’ bold stand and her role in ending racism.” Well, that ought to end any criticism of the GOP’s being out-of-touch with minorities. (And btw, she didn’t stand, she SAT.)

Have all New York area television stations put out internal memos to be EXTREMELY careful before reading alleged names of the engineers of that doomed Metro North team on the air?

The NFL admitted their officials made a mistake with the downs at the end of the 24-17 NY Washington game. Since the error probably only delayed the Redskins’ elimination by a week, maybe the league should really apologize to the gamblers who took Washington and 1.5 points.

The Passenger Security Fee for airline tickets within the U.S. is currently capped at $5 roundtrip. But Congress is likely to raise it to a maximum of $5 each way. Which doubles the fee for anyone making a connection. An airline spokesman said it’s “not clear how much of the increase would be passed on to fliers.” Not “clear”? To quote “A Few Good Men” I would say it’s “crystal.”

Stanford has to be happy to see that USC has hired Washington’s Steve Sarkisian as their coach. Cardinal fans weren’t too pleased with the Ed Orgeron era. (Seriously, good luck to now former interim coach Orgeron, who resigned today. Hope he kicks Trojan a** with his next team.)

Maybe the New Orleans Saints are just trying to lull the Seattle Seahawks into a false sense of playoff security?

Pittsburgh safety Ryan Clark said Mike Tomlin never intended to interfere with the Ravens’ Jacoby Jones. Surprised Clark didn’t add he accidentally pushed his coach into the lifeboat, oops, I mean over the sideline.

From T.C.   “Alabama has a football player named Ha Ha Clinton Dix. Wonder if his mother is a friend of Hillary’s, or Monica’s?”

Alabama has a football player named Ha Ha Clinton Dix. Wonder if his mother is a friend of Hillary’s, or Monica’s?
– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/305028/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-November-29-2013-Edition-447#sthash.dGlHRwBM.dpuf

If you’re reading this,,.

December 2, 2013

You’ve finished your Cyber Monday shopping?  Or you haven’t gotten the right deal in your inbox yet.

Today is #CyberMonday. The one time of year that office managers long for those productive days of March Madness.

So what follows Cyber Monday?  UPS Deliveryperson Hernia week?

All this talk about SEC superiority would be a lot easier to swallow if the league would actually schedule a real out-of-conference opponent once or twice a year. Stanford just played Notre Dame. Alabama last week played Chattanooga….

My friend Bill Schmarzo says that years from now, 1 million people will claim to have been at the Alabama-Auburn game. And I’m thinking 100 million people will say they were watching the game live on TV instead on the ESPN etc, replays.

OSU coach Urban Meyer has no plans to suspend either of this starters for getting ejected in yesterday’s game against Michigan. Even though starting guard Marcus Hall flipped off the fans after being ejected. If only Hall wasn’t a Senior. Meyer might have suspended him for next year’s critical matchup against Kent State.

Maybe this year’s #NYJets season is God’s way of saying “You really really should have stuck with my man #Tebow.

The Texans’ Antonio Smith claimed after Houston’s 34-31 loss to the Patriots “Either teams are spying on us or scouting us,” Well, it is just possible that New England coach Bill Belichick was up to something again. Or it is possible that Houston is a sucky football team.

The NFL is apparently considering a six-figure fine for Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin for stepping on the field and blocking Jacoby Jones, and may even take away a Steelers’ draft pick. Just imagine what the league would do if Tomlin were wearing the wrong color shoelaces.

Sad news about Paul Walker. But doesn’t it seem somehow appropriate that the “Fast and Furious” star died in what appears to have been at least a 100mph car crash?

Who says romance is dead? In Green Bay, a man proposed to his girlfriend Friday at 2am in the mail while the two were doing some Thanksgiving night shopping? Maybe they can get married next Black Friday and start their honeymoon shopping for doorbusters.

The Florida Gators, who finished the year ranked 112th in total offense, just fired their offensive coordinator. Which came as as a shock to many Gator fans who weren’t aware their 2013 team HAD an offensive coordinator.

Rick Santorum on CNN’s “State of the Union” wondered “Is the president competent to do his job?” And to be fair, if anyone knows about not being competent to do a job, it’s the former Senator from Pennsylvania….

Apparently the Obamacare website, HealthCare.gov is “greatly improved” a month after its inauspicious debut. If true you know that that means… time for the GOP to start talking about Benghazi again.

Rick Santorum on CNN’s “State of the Union” wondered “Is the president competent to do his job?” And to be fair, if anyone knows about not being competent to do a job, it’s the former Senator from Pennsylvania….

Cyber monday…

November 29, 2010

Which means, if you’re reading this instead of shopping you’ve either got all your shopping done or you’re waiting until Christmas Eve?

Cyber Monday – it’s one day of the year when bosses may not cyber-snoop on employees, because they’re too busy shopping themselves. what

And if they do catch their employees hiding something, at least it’s not likely to be porn or solitaire.

Actually, it’s a really good thing Cyber Monday isn’t in March.   Considering that most people fill out their NCAA brackets the day after “Selection Sunday,” both sexes could combine to bring American worker productivity to a complete halt.

Some Northern California media types expected the Oakland Raiders to “make a statement” against the Miami Dolphins Sunday.

Actually, the Raiders did make a statement – Unfortunately it was – “We still basically suck.”

Hard to believe but with two pro teams (okay at least semi-pro) teams in the San Francisco Bay area, the top NFL quarterback currently in Northern California is probably already Andrew Luck.

And with #4 Stanford now projected to go to the Fiesta Bowl, the University of Phoenix stadium, which also will host the BCS Championship game,  can claim to be hosting three of the top matchups of amateur teams in the nation.

Five if you count the 49ers – Cardinals game Monday night.

Many in the media are taking Derek Jeter’s side in his contentious contract negotiations, with a USA Today article talking about how the Yankees are “jilting” Jeter.

“Jilting?”  Really?  To the tune of a $45 million contract?  As far as being jilted in New York the only people who have come close to that kind of payout have married Donald Trump..

Leslie Nielsen died tonight at a Fort Lauderdale hospital.  Which is a “big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.” R.I.P. to one of the funniest men of our generation.

Sarah Palin is complaining about “bluebloods and intellectuals.” Well, fine, except that pretty much describes our founding fathers.