Posted tagged ‘Whole Foods jokes’

Not with a whimper but three bangs?

July 29, 2016

SF Giants announcer Mike Krukow referred tonight to the Giants’ “inning ending triple play.”  Yeah, that’s the worst kind.  #redundant

So many ‪#‎SFGiants‬ hitters are beyond due that the clubhouse should start stocking pitocin.

Time for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ to get it together, no more ‪#‎RNC‬ & ‪#‎DNC‬ conventions to distract us anymore from their recent awfulness.

Justin Bieber reportedly turned down $5 million offer to perform at an event during last week’s GOP convention. Well, makes sense, we all know how careful Bieber is to avoid embarrassing things that might hurt his image.

 

Today @realDonaldTrump said he has best temperament of anyone who’s ever run for President. ‪#‎Idonotthinkthatwordmeanswhatyouthinkitmeans‬.

A Florida man is planning to sue after he spent 10 hours in jail when a police officer thought he had flakes of crystal meth on the floor of his car. It turned out to be glaze crumbs from Krispy Kreme
What is this world coming to when police cannot recognize doughnuts?

Olympic rower Megan Kalmoe on the upcoming Rio Olympics: “I will row through s–t for you, America.” As long as none of these victorious rowers toss their coxswains in the water.

The IRS is investigating Facebook’s having moved assets to their Irish subsidiary to avoid taxes, and the company said they could end up owing $3-5 billion. Two words – “more ads.”

Florida Governor Rick Scott has rejected federal money for high-speed rail, rejected Obamacare funding to expand Medicaid and criticized the President at every turn. Now with Zika cases in the state, “The federal government needs to show up and do their part.”
And Obama’s got to be thinking “What part?

Donald Trump tweeted in 2012 “Mike Bloomberg is doing a great job as Mayor of New York City. Ray Kelly is a great Police Commissioner. Mike Bloomberg.”
Wow, the Donald turns on some of these people so fast you’d think he used to be married to them.

Trump tweeted Hillary is “owned by Wall Street.” Spoken by someone whose response to being owned is just to declare bankruptcy?

Donald Trump yesterday said that watching the DNC made him want to “hit a number of those speakers so hard, their heads would spin.”
So if elected the Donald would sure make the USA popular at things like the G8 and other summits.

#‎WholeFoods‬ stock fell 9 percent yesterday. Wow. How often do you see a price of anything Whole Foods drop?

(assist to paul lander on the wording)

The Martins have traded for Andrew Cashner and Colin Rea. So they’re bolstering their rotation for an October playoff run and a November sell-off.

Dallas LB Damien WIlson will miss the beginning of training camp with an eye injury he suffered playing paintball. The Cowboys aren’t thrilled, but have to figure better another injury than another arrest.

Donald Trump, unhappy about Hillary’s speech last night “I’ve been nice,But after watching that performance last night — such lies — I don’t have to be so nice anymore. I’m taking the gloves off.”
And he said it with a straight face.

 

A 16 year old boy is in custody in Houston after police say he fatally shot his parents, former player Antonio Armstrong and his wife Dawn, late last night. His siblings were also in the house but unarmed. No apparent motive. So just another Texas case of guns keeping people safer.

Long ago and far away

April 19, 2016

#‎Spurs‬ tonight honored a couple celebrating 75th wedding anniversary at game. Fitting as their honeymoon was during Duncan’s rookie year.

 

Johnny Manziel, dropped by his agent, said in a statement he’s hoping to “take care of issues” and “play in 2016,”
Alas for Manziel, “play” hasn’t been the problem, “work” has.

Pat Boone is saying that SNL is in league with Satan after a skit where a baker refused to bake wedding cake for a gay couple, titled “God is a boob man.” Of course, these days that seems increasingly true, He/She has certainly created a lot of boobs. Including Pat Boone.

Whole Foods is opening two “affordable” 365 stores in the SF Bay Area. So will they be nicknamed “Half paycheck?”

The British Government has indicated they will not be going for the public’s choice for their new research vessel – “Boaty McBoatface” Ah, come on, they don’t want to have the popular research boat in the world. ‪#‎BoatyMcBoatface‬ would probably end up with its own social media accounts and fan clubs….. ‪#‎nofun‬

If the Brits don’t want “Boaty McBoatface” can the U.S. borrow it?.  Surely there is a Navy boat worthy of the name?

One bit of bipartisan good news ahead. After tonight we won’t have to hear 24-7 about the New York primary.

Donald Trump has now confused 9-11 with 7-Eleven. And the convenience store says “Don’t blame us, not even our Slurpees give you that much of a brain freeze.”

NY Rep. Peter King before the primary   “I hate Ted Cruz, and I think I’ll take cyanide if he ever got the nomination.” And no doubt at least some New Yorkers were thinking “promise?”

 

What’s more surprising, the size of ‪#‎Trump‬‘s margin, or fact that 15% of New Yorkers actually voted for a Texan who trashed NY values? ‪#‎NYPrimary‬

#‎Trump‬ says ‪#‎Cruz‬ just about “mathematically eliminated.” Which would mean something if ‪#‎GOP‬ paid attention to liberal concepts like math

The Houston Chronicle reports at that “at least 22” local GOP conventions passed “secession items”, which could be brought up at the state conference in May. Now, there are hundreds of local conventions. But it could be fun. And would secession make Ted Cruz ineligible to run for President? ‪#‎wecandream‬

Utah’s governor is about to sign a bill saying that pornography is “a public health hazard leading to a broad spectrum of individual and public health impacts and societal harms.”
So when men feel the urge to look at porn they should just go look for another wife?

Ted Cruz today “America has always been best when she is lying down with her back on the mat.” Uh, WTF? Is Ted trying to be banned from from Utah under their new porn law?

 

Tennessee majority leader Gerald McCormick is upset with businesses spoke out about the proposed LGBT bathroom law. “these companies who tried to blackmail us for this thing, when they come for their corporate welfare checks next year, we need to have a list out and keep an eye on them.”
But for the others, those corporate welfare checks will just keep on coming. Glad McCormick cleared that up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A tall order?

August 5, 2015

There are now rumors that Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is thinking of running for President. No word yet on a timetable, as Schultz knows it’s a venti decision.

skeeter

For SF Giants fans who really miss Pablo Sandoval, rookie Matt Duffy does have this cat.  Skeeter. Not photoshopped.   Maybe SF Giants fans need Skeeter hats?

Shelby Tomlinson and Matt Duffy apparently were housemates at AA Richmond last year.  The two of them together might have equaled one Panda.

Kobe Bryant says the Lakers “absolutely” can make the playoffs this year. The NBA playoffs? Or the NCAA tournament?

CVS says they will no longer include Viagra in its list of drug insurance benefits. The drugstore chain presumably thought it it wasn’t a hard decision.

Bill GM Doug Whaley said that Buffalo is “almost in quarterback purgatory” because the team do not have a franchise quarterback. And Jets fans after the last few years are thinking “Hmm, purgatory is a step up from hell.”

Some outrage over a hospital picture of Bobbi Kristina being on the cover of the National Enquirer. Alas probably the biggest outrage from competing media who didn’t get the photo.

Whole Foods has pulled $5.99 bottles of “asparagus water” from the shelves of a store in California, saying the items were a mistake. Nope, the mistake would have been actually buying the water.

So Carly Fiorina, despite being the only woman running for the GOP presidential nomination, is polling about 1% and will not be eligible for the first debate. 1%? Who knew most of the Republican electorate knows someone who worked at Hewlett Packard?

Teachers unions are demanding an apology after Chris Christie said they deserve “a punch in the face.” In the N.J. Governor’s defense, maybe people will believe him if he says he was talking about punch and cookies.

A U.S.Circuit Court of Appeals struck down a Texas law requiring residents to show ID before voting, saying it violates the Voting Rights Act. They’ll never please everyone, but maybe Texas could just write a law with the exact same requirements to vote as to buy a gun?

So the man who was shot and killed by police in a Nashville theater after attacking patrons, apparently had only been able to obtain pepper spray, a hatchet, and an air gun. So where’s the NRA on this one? ‪#‎Ifonlyhehadbeenarmed‬

From Bill Littlejohn “Yasiel Puig credits videogames with helping to end his slump.  Although fellow Dodgers are complaining about him flipping the joystick.”

Going down

June 24, 2015

And so in Alabama, Gov. Robert Bentley just simply ordered the Confederate flag taken down from the Capitol. The most stunning thing about this, no fuss, no muss, no drama – he just had it taken down. What a concept! .

Who says there’s no hope for our country? The Confederate flag is coming down everywhere, and FOX News has declined to renew Sarah Palin’s $1 million-a-year contract as a contributor.

Just in case anyone thought we were having too much of a epidemic of sanity on the Confederate flag issue, I give you Ann Coulter, who is upset with Nikki Haley: “I’m appalled…though on the other hand, she is an immigrant and does not understand America’s history.” (Haley was born in Bamberg, South Carolina.)

Although suppose Coulter might be tangentially onto something. As an alien Ann herself doesn’t really understand humans.

Apparently since no other candidate has broken out of the pack, Bobby Jindal thinks he has a chance and is going to join the 2016 Presidential race. You know, I can watch a tight cluster of people atop say, the U.S. Open leaderboard, without suddenly thinking I could win at golf.

Regarding that Whole Foods overcharging story, where NYC inspectors found EVERY label was inaccurate as to weight. So the store couldn’t have just raised prices a dollar or so a pound? Seems like their basic pricing policy already was ‪#‎ifyouhavetoaskyoucantaffordit‬

Before tonight, the SF Giants are averaging 2.91 runs a game at AT&T Park and over 5 runs a game during away games. This is as skewed a road to home scoring ratio as we have seen since Bill Clinton first hit the campaign trail.

So since the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ don’t seem to be able to hit at home these days, maybe they should get a certain former left fielder in for a little batting practice coaching. #25 always seemed to manage it pretty well.

Though to be fair, the Giants now haves Nori Aoki on the DL due to a fractured fibula after being hit by a pitch, joining Hunter Pence who is on the DL due to a wrist injury resulting from HIS forearm being broken by a pitch in spring training. So is this the league’s plan to dethrone the World Champions,, take them out one player at a time?

Amtrak apparently stranded passengers on a New York City bound train Tuesday for about five hours without food, air conditioning or working bathrooms. Are they really trying to compete with the airlines?”

Chicago Bears QB Jay Cutler’s wife, Kristin Cavallari, apparently told ELLE Magazine earlier that the family wants to leave Chicago and move to Nashville once her husband retires. And many Bears fans are thinking, “Could this be arranged by Christmas?”

In a Fox News poll, 18% of respondents said Donald Trump is a serious candidate; 77% said he is “a side show.” Presumably the other 5% were laughing so hard they couldn’t speak.

This ought to be entertaining. The Grateful Dead concerts this weekend at Levi’s Stadium follow NFL rules. Meaning you can bring a small clutch or wallet, but the ONLY bags you can bring in are limited-size clear plastic bags, period. Well, at least most Deadheads have years of experience going to concerts with small plastic bags.

Blowing in the wind.

June 23, 2015

Now Rand Paul and Donald Trump have joined the call to take Confederate flags down and put them “in a museum” Guess it’s hard to ignore the way the wind’s blowing when it becomes a full-fledged hurricane.

 

 

Gamecocks coach Steve Spurrier, who has indicated his distaste for that “damn Confederate flag” before, today tweeted “The South Carolina football team, players and coaches strongly support Governor Haley’s decision to remove the flag from the capitol.”

Well, so now we’ve finally got a statement from one of the REALLY powerful men in the state.

Regarding Trump’s decision to speak up against the Confederate flag, did that furry thing that lives on his head whisper in his ear? ‪#‎combingaround‬?

Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe says he is also immediately taking steps tio remove the Confederate flag from state specialty license plates. Don’t get me wrong, I think all this getting rid of the flags is a good idea. But it is also all a lot easier than dealing with the gun problem.

Rush Limbaugh is now proclaiming that removing the Confederate flag is about “destroying the south” Actually Limbaugh should be sending flowers to the politicians in South Carolina as no doubt their actions will increase the number of angry white men who listen to him.

Rapper Diddy (Sean Combs), whose son plays football at UCLA, was arrested for attacking a coach with a kettlebell weight. Talk about helicopter parents, this guy was trying to be more of a bomber plane parent.

Gmail has a new feature, “undo send,” which allows users to delay emails 5-30 seconds so they can be canceled and retrieved, Of course, if you’re mad (or drunk) enough to send an email you’ll later regret, hard to imagine calming down (or sobering up) enough in 30 seconds to change your mind.

 

Okay, clearly there are more important issues in the world. But regarding these pleas from teams to vote for their potential All-Star players “Vote 35 times right now.”

So how in the world did they come up with 35 as the magic number. Even in Chicago folks are thinking that’s excessive.

 

The Minnesota State Fair has released its list of new foods for 2015. Including caramel chocolate-dipped bacon ice cream bars, mac and cheese cupcakes, and a burger dog with hot dogs, hamburger meat, bacon, cheese and peppers on a bun. And no doubt ticket stubs from the fair will be good for a discount at your friendly cardiologist.

 

Iowa is granting  permits to acquire or carry guns in public to people who are legally or completely blind. Texas and Florida are thinking “Why didn’t we think of that?”

 

 

New York City is apparently probing Whole Foods Markets over allegedly overcharging customers for the last five years. Uh, isn’t overcharging customers part of Whole Foods’ mission statement?

 

 

Oops, Russell Athletic apparently accidentally produced some maroon and white jerseys with both Mississippi State and Texas A&M logos on them. Were they counting on fans at each school not being able to read?

 

 

 

 

This bus-to-hell moment brought to you by Marc Ragovin: “Dick Van Patten (1928-2015) has passed away. I guess 86 was enough. “

It’s all about the market.

June 11, 2015

Two Texas girls, 7 and 8, trying to raise money for Father’s Day, had their lemonade stand shut down by police for lack of a permit. Well, of course, it’s Texas. The girls should have been doing something safer like borrowing their parents’ guns to set up a shooting range.

 

So after game 1 of the NBA finals the “experts” said the Cavs had no chance, then after games 2 and 3, that the Warriors were in big trouble. And now they’re planning the Golden State parade again. Which means Cleveland is likely to win game 5?

 

Stay classy, GOP. Senator Mark Kirk from Illinois, during a Senate Appropriations Committee hearing: “I’ve been joking with Lindsey (Graham). Did you see that? He’s going to have a rotating first lady. He’s a bro with no ho.”

(and just for a minute, can we imagine the reaction on Fox News if a Democratic senatory said that?)

After five players were suspended last year for academic reasons, and QB Everett Golson transferred, Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly said today that all his players are “at-risk” academically. “Honestly, I don’t know that any of our players would get into the school by themselves right now with the academic standards the way they are. Maybe one or two of our players that are on scholarship.”

And down in the SEC and ACC they’re going “What academic standards?”

Florida Gov. Rick Scott signed a new law requiring women to wait at least 24 hours to have an abortion. Of course if they really wanted to reduce unwanted pregnancies and  possible abortions the state would impose the same waiting period for men wanting to have sex.

Beech Grove, Indiana mayor Dennis Buckley, talking about trouble and recent arrests. “This isn’t anything new. We have been concerned about this for at least two years, and there have been just some quiet talks with (them) concerning the number of police runs down there and the fact that they’re draining our resources every single day. It’s my opinion as mayor that this has to stop.”

Is he talking about some bar, restaurant or strip club? Nope, Buckley’s talking about the local Wal-Mart.

Pizza Hut, in an effort to increase sagging market share, has introduced a pizza with mini hot dogs in the crust. The only problem with promotions like this, if they work, they decrease the number of years customers will be around to buy Pizza Hut products.

 

 

Whole Foods is opening new chain of lower-priced stores that will be called “365 by Whole Foods Market.” (365 is a house label for Whole Foods products.) But if they really want to attract shoppers who both know their brand and want to save money, why doesn’t the chain call the new markets “Half Paycheck.”?

 

 

From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg  “As great as Triple Crown winner, American Pharoah, was at the Belmont Stakes, he would have lost in 1973 to Secretariat by 15 lengths. To put 15 lengths in perspective, that is over ten Kim Kardashian asses.”

Such a deal.

September 14, 2011

A “Living Social” deal in the SF Bay Area today allows people to buy $20 worth of food at Whole Foods for $10. Cool. That’s enough to buy at least three or four pieces of fruit.

An article in the Atlantic estimates that employees playing Angry Birds is costing employers $1.6 billion a year in lost productive time. And just imagine how much more time is lost by employees posting this kind of story.


On a radio show Tuesday, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones declined to criticize his QB, saying he thought Romo “played one of the best games I’ve ever seen him play.” Jones will get no argument from New York Jets fans.

Looks like we’ve made it – college football division. The NCAA found Boise State guilty of numerous violations for prospective and enrolled student athletes (with the football violations totalling 63 young men “over a lengthy period of time.”)

The athletic department has lost scholarships and was put on three-years probation, but the only post-season ban will be a year for the women’s tennis team. Yeah, that’ll teach them.


Only one week into the NFL season, and many fans and those in the media are already writing off several quarterbacks. But knowledgeable fans are waiting for the real sign of desperation – the first team to contact JaMarcus Russell.

According to the NY Post, Baseball commissioner Bud Selig is “irate” that the Mets went public wih news that his office had prevented players from wearing NYPD and NYFD caps on Sept. 11. Makes sense. Selig would rather the world not know when he behaves like a jerk.

The Boston Red Sox got off to one of their worst starts ever, then looked great for about 100 games. And now, although they won tonight, Boston is dancing on the edge of one of the potential worst collapses in major league baseball history. Amazing. Even Mitt Romney is more consistent.


Dick Cheney said during an appearance on “The View” today, that he hadn’t decided whether he wants a heart transplant. Wonder why the former V.P. is even thinking of a new heart now. He’s survived this long without one.

A special election in Anthony Weiner’s heavily Democratic congressional district went to a Republican, this after a May special election in a heavily Republican district in upstate NY went to a Democrat. The talk is whether or not these elections are referendums on Obama. But it seems even more likely that New Yorkers are saying they are just fed up with Congress.

TaylorsGift.org was inspired by a 13 year old girl who died in a skiiing , and became an organ donor for five people. It’s a great site to help people register as organ donors, and in fact in all seriousness I encourage any reader who hasn’t signed up for organ donation to do so. (I have done so myself).

But Taylorsgift is now running commercials geared towards young people saying “In less than 90 seconds you can become a hero by becoming a registered organ donor” with “just a few clicks.” Yeah, and if you do it while driving, you can become a donor sooner.

Okay, I’m not generally a big defender of Gov. Rick Perry. But he is getting slammed by Palin and Bachmann and others for signing a Texas law requiring sixth-grade girls to be vaccinated for HPV, a sexually-transmitted virus that can cause cervical cancer. And the same people criticizing him are against mandated health care for girls and women with cervical cancer.


And regarding those in the debate audience who seemed in favor of letting the 30 year old without health insurance die, well, now we know. They’re against government death panels because THEY want to be the death panels.