Archive for the ‘texas jokes’ category

Against all odds

February 15, 2017

Tiger Woods is 20-1 in Las Vegas to win a major in 2017. A major what?

 

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott is upset that the NFL might not award future Super Bowls to the state if an anti-transgender bathroom bill passes: “The NFL needs to concentrate on playing football and get the heck out of politics.”
Uh huh. Just guessing most Texans would go for rainbow pins and unisex bathrooms if the alternative is giving up any football.

At a Louisiana high school, Alabama has been banned from campus because of “unethical football recruiting practices.” I’m sure it’s just coincidence that the school is in Baton Rouge.  (home of LSU)

Trump says that unlike President Obama he is not going to publicly fill out a March Madness bracket. But no doubt  he will tell us after the tournament that of course he picked all the winners. A perfect score, the best ever.

Apparently quite a number of celebrities have volunteered to play Trump aides on SNL. The show is getting to be almost as cool again for a cameo as the Simpsons. (or decades ago, Batman.)

Senate voted to block Obama rule prohibiting people w/ serious mental disorders from buying guns. What could go wrong?

All these headlines “Andrew Puzder withdraws” Too bad Frederick Trump didn’t.

Andrew Puzder, who according to CBS News told friends he was “very tired of the abuse” he was getting, is withdrawing his nomination as Labor Secretary. Great choice of words for a man who admitted to employing an undocumented housekeeper and has been accused of domestic violence against his ex-wife.

Who knew an act of resistance might become simply buying a copy of the @NYTimes or @washingtonpost?

 

Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is being considered for ambassador to France. Tonight Jared Kushner’s father Charles, a convicted felon who’s served prison time, said his family has decided not to try to buy the team.
So at least for now, MLB remains a Trump-free zone. #smallmercies

Trump is now tweeting that NSA &d FBI are “just like Russia.” Well that ought to improve his relations with the intelligence community.

Well, well, well… someone finally remembered where he put his backbone – John McCain says he will oppose confirmation of Trump budget nominee Mick Mulvaney

As of Oct. 2015, there were 8 investigations into Benghazi.  Led by same people who don’t think it’s worth spending time on Russia & election

GOP Reps. Jason Chaffetz and Bob Goodlatte today asked the Inspector General to “begin an immediate investigation into whether classified information was mishandled” with the leaks that led to Michael Flynn’s resignation.
Funny, I missed their outrage when Trump asked Russia to find Hillary’s missing emails.

 

 

Forever young at heart?

October 17, 2016

The Nobel Prize committee says that five days after they awarded the Prize for literature to Bob Dylan, they have not yet heard from their newest laureate. Or maybe Dylan has responded and they had no idea what who he was or what he was saying?

The #Big12 today decided not to expand & will stay at 10 members. Why should conference confuse players with a tough concept like math?

Some references today to #ColinKaepernick being a “distraction” for @49ers. Because without him they would only have lost by 20 points?

Trevor Bauer, who cut himself repairing one of his drones,  was not allowed to wear even as much as a Band-Aid on his finger tonight while pitching. The stitches broke, resulting in Bauer having to leave, dripping blood, in the first inning.    Cleveland used a total of 7 pitchers, and kept the Blue Jays to 2 runs.

 

And that, #SFGiants fans, ladies and gentlemen, is a bullpen. #Indians #ALCS

Wonder many MLB teams are rushing to add “no drones during the season” into their contract  language..

The Los Angeles Dodgers apparently stayed at the Trump hotel in Chicago for their regular season series against the Cubs in May. But Adrian Gonalez, who is of Mexican descent, refused, saying  “I had my reasons.”

Darn, another Dodger I can’t root against.

 

Anyone but me really tired of pumpkin flavored everything?

 

Fox News’ Shep Smith has come out as gay. Shocking millions of Americans who thought he was already out.

 

At a Donald Trump rally in Wisconsin tonight the crowd started chanting “Paul Ryan sucks!” So is this how the Donald would propose to start his State of the Union speech?

Melania Trump said that Donald really didn’t mean the things he said to Billy Bush, but that Bush had “egged him on.” Well it’s a good thing that Putin, or Congress, would never egg Trump on while in office.

As an anonymous friend said ““My husband can’t throw footballs and grab pussies at the same time!”

Donald Trump  said #SNL should be cancelled & was “unfunny.” Uh, if unfunny on occasion was reason enough, SNL would have been cancelled years ago.

Women who have come forward about #Trump‘s groping them can take comfort, he didn’t mean it, he was just trying to impress #BillyBush.

He should have said “there’s an election?”

September 14, 2016

Steph Curry was asked as part of a longer interview who he was supporting for President. He simply answered “Hillary” and moved on. And some people are actually complaining that athletes shouldn’t get involved in politics? #Onewordistoomany? #WTF?

Another #Padres pitcher coming in with an ERA of around 6. And of course the #SFGiants scored one run.  At some point the team should charge a fee for giving all these pitchers the best outing of their careers.

 

If by chance the #SFGiants stagger into the playoffs, no one will accuse them of peaking too soon in September.

Hillary Clinton had to cancel San Francisco fundraisers early this week over her pneumonia. Shame. She could have used that “basket of deplorables” line to great effect about the SF Giants bullpen.

(or in some cases,  like today, their hitters.)

 

Major league baseball has announced their 2017 schedule, with both the Twins and Red Sox opening at home April 3. Too soon to bet on which game is most likely to be snowed out?

Several Washington State players have been arrested this year, and coach Mike Leach, formerly at Texas Tech,  is blaming the police and media for unfairly focusing on football players. Toto, we’re not in Texas any more….

In New York, an assemblyman who fatally shot himself last week won his primary today. So voters not paying attention? Or voters deciding that a dead man could do less damage than the live alternative?

 

In Austria, an 18-year-old girl is suing her parents because she said the Facebook pictures they posted of her as a child have made her life miserable. Ah, for the good old days when your parents could only embarrass you with scrapbooks.

 

Proving it’s not just U.S. airports and airlines who are fond of euphemisms – a travel agent bulletin says the runway at Aberdeen Airport in Scotland is currently out of service, due to a technical issue.”
The issue, they discovered an actual hole in the runway.

Mike Pence this week refused to call David Duke “deplorable.” Just one question for Governor Pence, who WOULD he call deplorable?

Last year, Donald Trump was listed as 6’2″ and 198 pounds. Today he told Dr. Oz he was 6’3″ and 236 pounds. Time for a congressional investigation?

So @realDonaldTrump says he “feels as good as when I was 30.” If any 70 year-old really believes that, he’s too delusional to be President.

Hillary Clinton today released detailed medical information. The report said she has “mild, non-contagious bacterial” pneumonia. It also has details about blood cholesterol levels, allergies, her annual mammogram, etc.
Wonder how long before Donald Trump announces again he is the very healthiest but he won’t release his records because we just wouldn’t understand.

Donald Trump has said “I will end forever the use of the H-1B as a cheap labor program, and institute an absolute requirement to hire American workers for every visa and immigration program. No exceptions.”
Today, Melania Trump tweeted a letter from her lawyer defending her immigration status. The lawyer said Melania told him she “remained in the United States on five one-year H-1B visas before obtaining a green card,”
#Youcantmakethisstuffup

Playing the black – or red -hole?

August 26, 2016

The Oakland Raiders have filed to trademark the name “Las Vegas Raiders.” If they move will the team’s new motto be “Against all odds?”

Now that the Olympics is over, NBC’s next big televised event is the first Presidential debate on September 26. Wonder if the network will show it some time before the actual election?

 

Anyone who thinks baseball is boring wasn’t watching Thursday night’s Giants Dodgers game and Matt Moore’s near no-hitter.

=

 

Former MLB pitcher David Aardsma said Tim Tebow impressed him in practice sessions, and made a lot of progress with his hitting and adjusments: “It actually really pissed me off.”
Of course, Tebow still may not be anywhere close to a major league hitter. Which means these days he’d fit right in on the SF Giants.

 

Silver lining to the #SFGIants recent free fall? #Dodgers can no longer block any trades they make on the waiver wire.

Ryan Lochte has a new sponsorship deal with Pine Brothers for throat lozenges – “Forgiving on your throat.”
What about Depends “When you gotta go…”

Martin Shkreli is speaking out on behalf of Mylan, the company that raised EpiPens prices by over 500%, saying “Can’t someone succeed and not be shamed anymore?” #MakeAmericaIrateAgain

 

All flights in and out of Ft. Lauderdale and Miami were halted today due to a power outrage at the Miami Terminal Radar Approach Control center. Standby for airlines instituting a new “back up battery fee.”

A 59 year old woman who died falling from a Delaware zip line platform had apparently “disconnected herself from the safety system.” Sad, and her adult daughter posted a nice tribute online. But having a daughter means alas the woman was too late for a true Darwin award.

It took a last minute scramble to get Donald Trump on the ballot in Minnesota as the party hadn’t submitted the required names of electors who officially cast the state’s votes. Even in his SNL days, Al Franken couldn’t make this “stuff” up.

After a new ad was released with KKK images, a Trump spokesman said “Hillary Clinton and her campaign went to a disgusting new low today as they released a video tying the Trump Campaign with horrific racial images.”
Right, but videos demonizing refugees and immigrants, those are all just part of how we make America great again. #sarcasm

 

Donald Trump said tonight his great wall at the Mexican border will be 35-45 feet tall, it could be higher. The Great Wall of China, btw, averages 26 feet tall. Wonder how much of Trump’s wall height will be his name in neon?

Trump tweet. “Hillary Clinton’s short speech is pandering to the worst instincts in our society. She should be ashamed of herself!”
Guess he didn’t have enough characters also to tweet “That’s MY job.”

Bill Littlejohn on the Raiders potential move – “Two Las Vegas sites are preferred for NFL stadiums—but first, infared cameras had to make sure there weren’t any bodies buried in them.”

Brother can you spare a ballot?

August 23, 2016

boulder

American ingenuity in Boulder.

Apparently 20 MLB teams will watch #TimTebow‘s workouts next week. Do they really believe he can play, or hoping to get God on their side?

 

Wonder if #SFGiants are attending Tim Tebow workouts? Right about now their offense could use a few prayers.

 

Josh Norman was asked if he was the best cornerback in the NFL. He responded “I am the best cornerback on earth.”
No reaction from Seattle. is Richard Sherman taking a vacation from social media or something?

Stanford has a new policy that forbids undergraduate students from drinking hard alcohol – more than 40 proof – at on-campus parties. Great, even more incentive for students to get drunk BEFORE going to a party..

(and uh, don’t they have a policy forbidding rape too?)

Tesla has a new battery pack that will allow their cars to go zero to 60 in 2.5 seconds, about the speed of a Ferrari $1 million plus supercar. And a car with this “Ludicrous” (that’s what they are naming it) mode, will cost for only $135,000.
Well, it’s nice to know that millionaires will be able to keep up with billionaires.

As a marketing promotion, KFC has been giving away 3,000 bottles of sunscreen that smell like fried chicken. Two words: “Shark bait.”

 

A Univ. of Pittsburgh student was rescued this morning, several hours after at about 2 a.m. he tried to jump from one roof to another to impress a woman. He fell, becoming trapped between two buildings.
This is worrisome. If they end up a couple the two are young enough to breed. #DarwinAward #misseditbythatmuch

Three GOP legislators from Louisiana asked for and got federal disaster relief from President Obama . They all had voted against funding after Hurricane Sandy. “I am shocked,” said nobody.

So is this really just about the Donald demonstrating he has business sense? A report in the Huffington Post says that after Trump started accepting donor funds, he increased this campaign rent from $35,458 in March to $169,758 in July.

Trump had a big public rally tonight in Austin. A free big rally in Texas? That would be like Hillary taking time now for free rallies in California.

Melania Trump’s lawyer says she is threatening to sue the UK Daily Mail, along with U.S. based Politico and at least eight other news outlets for defamation. Yeah, she may have been born in Slovenia, but she’s definitely become a Trump alright..

 

Donald Trump tonight on immigration “”I had a great meeting with great people, great Hispanic leaders, and there could certainly be a softening because we’re not looking to hurt people. We want people — we have some great people in this country. We have some great, great people in this country but we’re going to follow the laws of this country and what people don’t realize — we have very, very strong laws.”
Even Sarah Palin is going “huh?”

A nice story for a change. Admittedly, I’ve been lukewarm on Hillary Clinton but while in Ohio decided to wear a Hillary button because it’s a close state, and IMHO the alternative is worse, much worse. But an older woman at a museum shop commented that she LOVED my button, and confided “I have blue nail polish on for her because that’s as political as I can be at work.”
I offered her my button, to wear after work, and she was just thrilled. Literally. “Are you sure, I’m so excited for her, thank you so much.”
Made me smile actually to see someone really happy about this election.
(comedy writers don’t count.)

Seeing red?

June 27, 2016

Iceland just knocked  England out of the #Euro2016. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to England since Thursday.

 

After England’s loss to Iceland,  England soccer coach Roy Hodgson resigned immediately. And probably about five minutes before he was fired.

Carmelo Anthony says he’s already trying to recruit Kevin Durant. Well, there are some advantages to the Knicks – lots of media attention, the city of New York, and the months of May and June off.

A new Lenny Dykstra book coming out tomorrow is apparently so toxic that even Jose Canseco is saying “Dude, less is more.”

 

Rio de Janeiro’s governor said today that the Olympic Games could be a “big failure” What was his first clue?

Monday was ‪#‎NationalSunglassesDay‬. In Seattle they’re going “National what?”

Today is ‪#‎NationalSunglassesDay‬. In Seattle they’re going “National what?”

Jacksonville Jaguars LB Dan Skuta was charged with first-degree battery for an incident last week in Orlando where he allegedly pushed a woman’s face “with an open hand into a glass window” at around 2:30 a.m. The woman had apparently talked to Skuta, but declined to give him her phone number.
How bad are the Jaguars? Bad enough that not only can’t they come close to .500, but players can’t even impress women?

Two University of Texas freshmen who were moving out of their dorm found a hidden hold with antique items from the late 1950s, including pictures and empty beer cans. And presumably some still-fresh Twinkies.

 

 

The Supreme Court struck down Texas’s abortion law that would have closed most clinics in the state. More ammunition for “Texit?”

Just to prove that stupidity is not confined to one political persuasion, someone -just guessing it might have been a man – at “the Daily Show” thought this was a funny tweet in response to today’s abortion ruling: “Celebrate the ‪#‎SCOTUS‬ ruling! Go knock someone up in Texas!”

 

Even though fewer than 10 out of 41 clinics would have remained with the laws the Supreme Court just struck down, the Texas state solicitor general had argued “over 90% of Texas women of reproductive age will live within 150 miles of an open abortion clinic. ”
Not that they’re equivalent, but wonder what would have been the reaction if a law had required Texas men to drive up to 150 miles for Viagra?

Of course abortion and Viagra are not equivalent.  But on the other hand, Texas didn’t claim their law was to eliminate abortion, it was to “protect women’s health.” And even the ED drug ads say things like “if your heart is healthy enough for sex.”
So maybe Viagra-seeking men should indeed be required to go to a hospital.

 

 

Donald Trump just will not let go of this “Pocahontas” name-calling with Elizabeth Warren. But to be fair, maybe in another life, maybe that furry thing that lives on Trump’s head was a pelt.

The 64 trillion pound question?

June 24, 2016

F*ckmuppet might be the word of the year.  Anyone want to start printing t-shirts?

 

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The Brexit vote won largely in Britain with over-60 year old voters. Younger Brits voted “remain”, but had a lower turnout.
Lesson for the younger generation of Americans, if you didn’t like your parents telling you what to do growing up, make damn sure you vote in November.

 

You really cannot make this “stuff” up. Google reports that in Britain today the most Googled question was “What does it mean to leave the EU?” But the number TWO question – “What is the EU?” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

A “Leave” voter interviewed by the BBC today: “I’m a bit shocked to be honest. I didn’t think that was going to happen. I didn’t think my vote was going to matter too much because I thought we were just going to remain.”  And then he added that he was “quite worried.”
‪#‎facepalm‬ ‪#‎voteshaveconsequences‬

California has been a bit of a laughing stock at times because of all the really important questions we put to a vote with often flawed and misunderstood propositions. But don’t think we’re going to top Britain.

Well at least England doesn’t have to worry about any more heartbreaking losses in the Eurocup ‪#‎BrexitVote‬

Johnny Manziel’s lawyer accidentally sent a text to the AP which included this about a possible plea deal “Heaven help us if one of the conditions is to pee in a bottle.” Looking like Manziel’s judgment on lawyers is about as good as his judgment on everything else.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ should really get a dispensation to open up beer sales again in any 9th inning where Casilla comes in.

A traveler from New Orleans to Atlanta ended up being the only passenger on a 160-seat Delta plane, And Delta probably still charged him for an aisle seat.

In Dallas more than 30 people have been treated for burns after Tony Robbins encouraged them to walk on hot coals as a way of conquering their fears. ‪#‎andthesepeoplevote‬

The Battle Creek Bombers, a minor league baseball team, is having “Second Amendment Education Night tonight, sponsored by a local gun dealer. Although guns will not be sold, the event will be “open carry.” Wonder if that includes the umpires.

The RNC is having a giant picture of Lebron James across from Quicken Loans Arena, a favorite Cleveland spot for selfies, removed before their July convention. What a shame. It also might have been attendees only chance to get a picture featuring an African-American.

 

QB Tarvaris Jackson, an NFL free agent who was most recently Russell Wilson’s backup with the Seahawks, was arrested in Floriday for allegedly pointing a loaded gun at his wife and threatening to kill her. You know, that might be a little excessive even if Jackson hoped to get signed by the 49ers.

Okay, Donald Trump is both praising the Brexit vote, and blaming Obama for it. Uh, if Brexit is a good thing, then shouldn’t Trump be giving the President not blame but credit? ‪#‎logicisacommiepinkoconcepts‬

 

Taylor Swift, who just broke up with Calvin Harris, introduced her boyfriend of two weeks, British actor Tom Hiddleston, to her mom Thursday, and then flew with him Friday on her private jet to England to meet HIS mother. Well, the couple may not marry, but at least Swift should get a heck of a song out of it.,