Archive for the ‘cellphone jokes’ category

Signs of the times?

February 11, 2016

The NBA is discussing a proposal during the All-Star break that would let teams sell ONE corporate logo on their uniforms for the 2017-18 season. Meaning by about the 2020-21 season the uniforms should all look like NASCAR’s.

So Jeremy Affeldt is joining the CSN broadcast crew.  Can’t wait until the first time the former SF Giants pitcher second guesses Bruce Bochy’s pitching change decisions.

SF Giants fans who remember Affeldt’s creative stints on the DL hope that the network offers good medical insurance.

Some discussion on where RGIII may end up next year. Well, the Redskins QB may have been disappointing but RGIII should be thankful to Johnny Manziel for making him look like a good bet by comparison.

Jason Castro today became the first MLB player to lose in arbitration this year.. He had asked for $5.2 million, but the arbitrator sided with the Astros, and gave him only $5 million.
You know baseball salaries are in another world when the immediate reaction is, “only $200,000, why couldn’t they settle?”

Scientists say they have detected gravitational waves, which were a major component of Einstein’s theory of relativity. Waiting for the GOP rebuttal.

Ben Carson – “I’m getting a lot of pressure to make sure I stay in the race.” No doubt, primarily from comedy writers who lost both Fiorina and Christie in the same day.

Anyone but me think it’s a bit strange that the guy who is saying “Make America Great Again” is a multi-billionaire who consistently has had America be pretty great for him.

Donald Trump attacked the NY Daily News after it put him on their cover as a clown, saying it was a failing paper. So now the NYDN has a new hashtag, ‪#‎Trumpfails‬, and started a “brief history of Trump’s many failures.” Get some popcorn folks, this could be fun.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft to a TV reporter “I happened to see Archie (Manning)…. He has two sons who have won two Super Bowls (each) But with all due respect, we have one son who has won four.” Ah, it’s this sort of thing that makes the Patriots so beloved outside New England. ‪#‎stayclassy‬

 

 

The Raiders announced they have signed a lease to stay in Oakland for the 2016 season. Translation, nobody else wants them.

Kanye West, in lyrics about Taylor Swift – ” I made that that B—H famous.” Hard to believe it’s possible but Kanye might almost make the Kardashians look classy by comparison.

Marco Rubio says he broke a tooth chewing on a frozen Twix Bar. And somewhere W. is thinking “And they gave me grief on a pretzel?”

 

 

After a summit in Munich, John Kerry has announced a deal for a ceasefire in Syria “within a week.” ‪#‎IblameObama‬

You call this a debate? Where is the name-calling, where is the crazy talk, where are the clowns? ‪#‎DemDebate‬

 

The U.S election system really has gotten corrupt. Why, we can’t even vote on the American Idol semi-finalists anymore. Viewers won’t be able to vote until the last six weeks. ‪#‎isnothingsacred‬?

From T.C.  “Nike is celebrating its Jordan Brand’s 30th anniversary this weekend. The latest models will sell for $200. This compared to only $100 when they were first introduced. The company  blames the price increase on raises that have brought their Chinese children factory workers up to 35 cents per hour “

Washed away

October 5, 2015

Oops. With “biblical” flooding in South Carolina, NBC’s weatherman Al Roker has now apologized for tweeting a selfie with him and his crew standing besides a flooded car. Guess it’s not just teenage girls who smartphones can make stupid.

The Supreme Court today denied to hear San Jose’s claim that MLB has illegally blocked the A’s attempt to move to the South Bay. Maybe the city would have done better if they framed the case as an issue of religious freedom. ‪#‎ibelieveinthechurchofbaseball‬

The CEO of Alaska said the airline lost his checked bag. And over at United they’re thinking “”For the first time? Amateurs.”

Yankees pitcher C.C. Sabathia has checked himself into alcohol rehab. Shocking. Not that an athlete goes to rehab, but he does it without being arrested first.

After the Saints OT win yesterday, Texas governor Greg Abbott said the Cowboys’ defense was “more porous than the Texas border.” Surprised he didn’t blame Obama.

Well, we now have the answer to the question – How are the ‪#‎Lions‬ going to screw up their chance to win tonight? ‪#‎MNF‬ ‪#‎DETvsSEA‬

So in close games in the 4th quarter should referees at CenturyLink Field just go ahead & put ‪#‎Seahawks‬ logo on their uniforms? ‪#‎DETvsSEA‬

American Apparel has filed for bankruptcy. American Apparel is still in business?

In Tennessee last Saturday, an 11-year-old boy shot and killed an 8-year-old neighbor when the girl wouldn’t let him play with her puppy. ‪#‎Ifonlyshewerearmed‬

So just wondering ,how long until even atheists in SF start calling for ‪#‎Tebow‬? ‪#‎SF49ers‬

Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino, doubling down on his denials of being aware of a former director of basketball operations paying escorts to have sex with players and recruits – “Not myself, not one player, not one trainer, not one assistant, not one person knew anything about any of this. If anyone did, it would have been stopped on a dime. Not one person knew anything about it.”

Not ONE person? Again I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Edward Snowden now is telling the BBC that he’d “volunteered to go to prison with the government many times,” if he returns to the US but had not received a formal plea-deal offer. Guess it says something about life in Russia these days if an American jail is more appealing.

Last week it came out that the Libertarian candidate for Senate in Florida had sacrificed a goat, now he also admits that in a pagan ritual he drank its blood. Where are the defenders of religious freedom on this one?

From Marc Ragovin –  “After only four games, the Miami Dolphins have axed head coach Bill Philbin. I guess Philbin now sleeps with the fishes.”

And guest driving on the bus to hell, T.C.  “Who knew that CC Sabathia was really CC & Seven Sabathia?”

An American Airlines pilot died last night in the cockpit of a red-eye flight to Boston. You know you’re on the bus to hell when the first thing you think of is “Airplane” jokes.

Serious thought for a change:

Jerry Brown, a former Jesuit seminarian, signed a bill in California today to allow terminally ill people to end their lives. The Catholic church opposes the bill, and the Governor said did not know what he would do if he were dying and in pain.
“But,I am certain, however, that it would be a comfort to be able to consider the options afforded by this bill. And I wouldn’t deny that right to others.”

Sometimes I think it’s a real shame Moonbeam is too old to run for President.