Archive for the ‘debate jokes’ category

The Buck stops here?

October 24, 2016

There is a petition being circulated to replace Joe Buck with Bob Uecker for the World Series. They had me at “replace Joe Buck.”

In the December 2014 Foster Farms Bowl matching Stanford and Maryland at Levi’s Stadium, so few fans were interested that organizers closed off the upper bowl of the stadium and moved everyone down to the lower levels.
So for future home games, how much worse do the 49ers have to get before the team decides to do the same thing?

#NFL wonders why TV ratings are down & then Seahawks and Cardinals play to a 6-6 tie in overtime on Sunday Night Football.

 

General Mills said today they will produce limited-edition Girl Scout cookie cereal, in both Thin Mint and Caramel Crunch flavors. Isn’t it easier to just eat cookies for breakfast?

Saddest thing about this election? Molly Ivins is not still on earth to cover it.

Monday – October 24- was the last day to register to vote in California. So presume everyone who has not voted has forfeited bitching rights until next election!

Elizabeth Warren to Trump “nasty women have really had it with guys like you. And on November 8. we nasty women are going to march our nasty feet to cast our nasty votes to get you out of our lives forever.”
Sometimes even the best SNL skit is no match for reality. #YouGoGirl

 

Despite Donald Trump’s anti-Muslim comments, a recent Zogby poll showed 12% of Arab-American Muslims said they’d vote for him. Guessing 99% of that 12% are men?

This sort of thing would be funnier if it weren’t true: Trump, denying his latest accuser “And she’s a porn star. You know, this one that came out recently, ‘he grabbed me and he grabbed me on the arm.’ Oh, I’m sure she’s never been grabbed before.”
Can just imagine the Donald’s response on the subject of marital rape…

Last week President Obama said that while people worry about being “left behind” with globalization “To try to pull-up a drawbridge on trade would only hurt us and hurt our workers.”
To which Chris Christie no doubt responded “Uh, you don’t need a drawbridge.”

Trump’s daughter-in-law Lara, asked about any “October Surprises” today, responded “There’s still a couple of days left in October. So, we’ll see, we’ve got some stuff up our sleeve.”
Yeah, sounds like she’s become a Trump alright.

 –

Trump campaign manager KellyAnne Conway claimed that her boss would love more debates “the country benefits from those type of forum and we’d be willing to do another one if somehow they can squeeze it in.”
So is Conway really working for the Donald? Or for Alec Baldwin?

 

Donald Trump today, trying to feed the hand he’s been biting “Go out and vote and that includes helping me reelect Republicans all over the place. He then added: “I hope they help me too! It’d be nice if they help us too, right?”
Someone really should tell the Donald that there is this thing called the internet that keeps track of every insult you say.

 

 

 

 

Marc Ragovin   “After watching the Giants/Rams game, I am surprised the Brits haven’t severed relations with the US.”

 

Bluer than blue jays

October 9, 2016

And once again the #MLBPlayoffs are a great time for As fans to watch their ex-players shine

Tonight in a game that overlapped Presidential Debate #2, the Blue Jays finished off a sweep of the Rangers.   So how unfair is this…. Canada beats the U.S. at our own national pastime.  And they have Justin Trudeau?

At this point if it came out that #Trump actually had shot someone on 5th Avenue, his supporters would claim Hillary & Bill had shot more

After the O.J. trial, there was speculation that some of the jurors felt he was guilty, but they were so angry at the long-term behavior of the LAPD that they voted to acquit him. Watching some Trump supporters, who are so angry at the system, stick with him now feels a bit like that.

Hillary Clinton, on her husband “I hope people will accept his apology, as I have, and focus on the important issues facing our nation and the world.” How dare she defend the indefensible like that. Oh, wait, that was Melania. Never mind.

At this point number of women defending #Trump for leaked comments is about same as number of newspapers endorsing him.

#RudyGuiliani “The fact is that men at times talk like that. Not all men, but men do. ” Of course when Rudy does it he includes 9-11.

“It’s just words.” Can someone ask Trump how he would feel if someone , other than him, said those words about his daughter or wife?

So can we assume that all the men defending @realDonaldTrump on this comments talk the same way about women themselves?

So if @realDonaldTrump is somehow still elected will his Presidential library be the first to have an NC17 rating?

#JohnKasich “Our country deserves better.” Translation “I am available.”

So if all major newspapers not endorsing Trump hasn’t dented his support have to wonder if major politicians backing away will matter.

 

No handshake tonight. So congrats to the winners of tonight’s first prop bet. (Bet they didn’t get very good odds)

 

“Mommy, is this the scary clown we should be afraid of?” Children watching debate

Trump strategy is to count on fact that enough Americans hate Hillary they are willing to risk America’s future to see her in jail? #debate

 

Is there any woman watching Sunday’s debate who isn’t creeped out by Trump’s spacing and lurking around Hillary’s back?

 

If Hillary  Clinton should have had power to change tax code etc as a Senator, why didn’t Donald  Trump just run for Senate.

Hillary’s #basketofdeplorables is a sign of hate in her heart. Trump’s #grabherbythepussy is locker room banter. Got it. #sarcasm #debate

“It’s locker room talk” and I will defeat ISIS. Because I want a first crack at those 72 virgins. #Trump #debate

Trump brings up Bill Clinton’s past, now Hillary gets asked about her husband’s ACA comment.   And men wonder why women are pissed off?

 

“I know nothing about Russia.” Donald Trump should have stopped with the first three words.

 

Rumor @mike_pence considering asking to be removed from ticket? Fact we even question if rumor is true proves you can’t make this election up.

Guessing that most undecided Americans now want moderators @andersoncooper and @MarthaRaddatz to run for President.

 

It must be Hillary’s fault

July 18, 2016

Now she’s rubbed off on the latest Mrs. Trump.   #plagiarism #crookedmelania?

To be fair someone who’s repeated same marriage vows 3 times probably doesn’t have a real problem with plagiarism. ‪#‎Melania‬ ‪#‎RNCinCLE‬

 

 

So which is better, admitting she lied about writing the speech, or admitting she plagiarized? ‪#‎CrookedMelania‬ ‪#‎RNCinCLE‬

Before the plagiarism allegation popped up, that moment when a Presidential candidate’s third wife talks about how loyal he is. ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬ ‪#‎MelaniaTrump‬ ‪#‎RNC2016‬

#‎RNCinCLE‬ is so backwards we could be watching in black and white. Except that there is almost no black and too much white.

So far ‪#‎Trump‬‘s ‪#‎RNCinCLE‬ is proving you can’t have a circus without elephants.

 

Leborn James today officially told the Cavs that he is returning to Cleveland. But not presumably this week during the convention.

#‎Melania‬ Trump, “Donald gets things done.” She should know; including the divorces from his first two wives.

This Republican convention makes you long for the comparative sanity of ‪#‎TheBachelorette‬

Another reason to dislike Trump in Northern California. By his VP choices he has sullied the name of the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ beloved right fielder. ‪#‎Pence‬

The GOP managed to stop an attempted voice vote today over convention rules. The anti-Trump people clearly erred, they should have tied their protest to defunding Obamacare.

Trump on Obama’s response to the latest police shootings: “sometimes the words are OK, but you just look at the body language, there’s something going on. Look, there’s something going on, and the words are not often OK, by the way.”
Again, this is the Donald trying to be in Presidential mode.

Although Trump does seem a bit obsessed with Obama’s body language. Maybe he’s getting old. Used to be the Donald only cared about body language in a swimsuit competition.

Paul Ryan is being mocked for a large selfie with GOP interns that was whiter than a picture of polar bears in winter. Forget the open carry of guns, clearly some people cannot be trusted with selfie sticks.

Christopher Correa, the former Cardinals scouting director, was sentenced to 46 months in prison Monday for hacking the Houston Astros’ player personnel database and email system. Correa was the only person charged in the case.
St. Louis chairman Bill DeWitt Jr, had said it was “roguish behavior” by a handful of individuals.
Didn’t they say the same thing at first about Watergate?

(and as a number of friends pointed out, 46 months is longer than some people get for rape and DUI murders in this country.  #priorities)

In Chicopee, Massachusetts, a 15 year old boy was killed after, while looking for a friend in the afternoon, he knocked on the side door of the wrong house, and the homeowner shot him. ‪#‎ifonlytheboyhadbeenarmed‬

(and for the record, both the boy and the homeowner were white.)

TC brings up the next worry facing Americans – and Canadians-  let’s hope Melania does not steal our jokes.

Not so long ago?

May 27, 2016

Virginia McLaurin, 107, went to her first MLB game this week at Nationals Park. 107. Wow. To put this in perspective, Ms. McLaurin was born only two years after the Cubs won their last World Series.

Mets jump on Dodgers phenom Julio ‪#‎Urias‬, 19, for 3 runs in 2.2 innings. So is that considered child abuse?

SF Giants pitchers have had an incredible run over the past two weeks. Then a day off. Now a series at Coors Field. So it must sort of have felt like the victorious Christians felt before they had to face the Lions.

 

‪#‎MattCain‬ is apparently hurt. Is it too soon for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ to talk to the ‪#‎Angels‬ about a trade for Timmy? ‪#‎Lincecum‬.

 

 

Albert Suarez may or may not have a long career for ‪#‎SFGiants‬. But he’s already joined club of ‪#‎Giants‬ pitchers with RBIs. ‪#‎PitchersWhoRake‬

Jackie Bradley Jr. went 0-4 last night, snapping his hit streak at 29 games. So he was only a little over a month away from potentially catching Dimaggio.

At the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art, someone left a  pair of glasses on the floor, and museum goers figured they were art.  Well, at least SFMOMA didn’t charge a special exhibition fee for them.

Link below. #nottheOnion

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/art/news/a-pair-of-glasses-were-left-on-the-floor-at-museum-and-everyone-mistook-it-for-art-a7049551.html

 

Apparently Texas’s Nihar Janga, 11, one of the Scripps National Spelling Bee co-champions, has his own “X’ celebration display that mimicks Dez Bryant’s. And Janga went through the ritual while ignoring his co-champions attempt at a high-five.
Bryant wants to take the kid to a game. But isn’t it nice to know that in this country, now even nerds can be hot dogs. Sigh.

 

A new study shows a possible link between cell phone use and brain cancer. The survey could be flawed. Or it could be mean bitch karma being really tired of almost running into or being run into by all these idiots focused on their phones while walking, driving etc.

Marco Rubio confirmed his decision not to run for re-election to the Senate, citing the fact that he wouldn’t challenge his friend the GOP lieutenant governor who is already running. So Rubio doesn’t also want to challenge Rick Santorum’s record of losing his seat by 18 points?

Donald Trump now says he won’t debate Bernie Sanders because it would be “inappropriate.” Uh, can anyone remember a time when the Donald gave a rat’s ass about anything being “inappropriate?”

Trump is going to spend part of Sunday at the “Rolling Thunder” motorcycle rally in D.C. Hmm, this inspires a new potential nickname for the Donald – “Trolling Blunder.”

Donald Trump, in Fresno, patting himself on the back for coming to California ““No other Republican would come here for dinner.”
Surprised he didn’t add, “Not that we don’t have better restaurants at Trump Tower.”

 

 

Trump’s latest in California “There is no drought.” So is he going to have Mexico build walls to keep the rain in too?

The pain, the pain

April 15, 2016

The ‪#‎Braves‬ have won! Finally. Last week ‪#‎Atlanta‬ had a couple weeks that went this badly, Sherman was involved.

After the NY Daily News printed a story that the Mets had sold most of the jerseys from the team’s first game in NY after 9/11, the team issued a statement “We admit that we made a mistake, and have instituted a new process with internal controls to prevent something like this from happening again in the future.”
So was the mistake profiting over the jerseys, or getting caught?

John Kasich, in response to a woman student at a town hall in St. Lawrence University in NY saying she saying she worries about harassment on campus said “I’d also give you one bit of advice, don’t go to parties where there is a lot of alcohol.”
Can’t imagine how the GOP gets the reputation of being clueless on women’s issues. ‪#‎andKasichissupposedtobethereasonableone‬

 

With all the attacks on Hillary over taking money from Wall Street for speeches, maybe it’s time for her to requote the line “If you can’t drink their whiskey, take their money, screw their women and still vote against him in the morning, you don’t belong in politics.”
Bill would certainly volunteer to help with the “women” part.

 

Starting for the 2017-18 season, the NBA announced that companies can buy a 2.5-by-2.5-inch advertising space on game-day jerseys. So that means by about 2020 those jerseys will resemble those worn by NASCAR.

 

 

The Minnesota Twins came back and beat the Angels tonight, following upon the Braves’ first win. So ten games into the season, nobody’s perfect.

AMC says they are scraping a plan to allow texting in theaters after saying they have heard “loud and clear” that it “is a concept our audience does not want.”
D’uh…. even people who text in theaters do not want other people texting in theaters.

Kim Davis’s lawyer is now apparently helping Kentucky leglislators draft a bill to restrict bathroom access for LGBTs. Hmm, presumably after the Kentucky Derby so everyone doesn’t boycott that too?

Sarah Palin says “Bill Nye is as much a scientist as I am.” Shocking! Palin acknowledges the concept of scientists?

Hillary Clinton last night in the debate “It’s easy to diagnose a problem. It’s harder to do something about a problem.” And many Americans on both sides of the aisle are thinking “No, just tell us you’ll fix it, don’t confuse us with facts.”

 

Jason Whitlock, not joining in the Kobe Bryant lovefest, said that Kobe’s narcissism and selfishness ruined the Lakers. Strikes me that he’s both right and wrong. In his prime, Bryant helped lead Los Angeles to five rings with that narcissism and selfishness. When his skills decreased and his demands, on and off the court, remained the same – well, yes, then, Kobe helped make sure the Lakers became, and stayed, a lousy basketball team.

T.C. on reports that Kim Jong Un now weighs over 300 pounds. “If this dictator thing doesn’t work out he can try out for the Boston Red Sox.”

What’s in an (insulting) name?

April 14, 2016

Lots of uproar over a Sanders supporter using the term ‪#‎Democraticwhores‬. Hillary fans are outraged. Meanwhile Bill is going “whores?  where?

 

Really? A Rockies fan was kicked out of Coors Field for throwing a home run ball (hit by the Giants Trevor Brown) back onto the field. Good thing they don’t have that silly rule at Dodger Stadium. Madbum is hitting (and pitching) tomorrow night.

Rough couple days for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ pitchers at Coors Field, giving up 21 runs in two days. But it could be worse, they could have given up all those runs interspersed with snow delays. (And yes, it is going to snow this weekend in Denver. Happy Spring.)

Lots of attention on the Warriors winning 73 games. And over in Oakland the As are thinking “With luck we can do that this year too.”

Meanwhile, in the NFL,  Oakland and SF may combine to honor Golden State: this year’s Raiders are likely to win 7 games, while the 49ers are likely to win 3.

 

So what’s going to happen next? The Golden State Warriors lose a game? Or the Minnesota Twins or Atlanta Braves win a game?

 

So with this the 9th Democratic debate  was there any point other than both sides hoping for a “gotcha” moment? ‪#‎sanders‬ ‪#‎clinton‬

 

American Airlines has complained that TSA lines meant 6,800 of their passengers missed flights in just one week from March 14-20. Of course American is not complaining about all the change fees they were able to charge those passengers.

Microsoft is suing the DOJ to prevent the government from going through users’ personal emails without notice. The company feels strongly that such an invasion of privacy should not be allowed, except by Microsoft and their advertisers.

Canada is looking into passing an assisted suicide bill for terminally ill patients, but will not allow “suicide tourism” for Americans. Especially presumably after the November elections.

 

In Wisconsin a high school teacher who has been charged with having sex with her 16-year old student allegedly slept with him the night of her husband’s bachelor party and sent him selfies from her honeymoon. Your move, Florida.

Al Sharpton, after Bill de Blasio and Hillary Clinton used a reference to “C.P” time in a skit – “Y’all got to leave all these jokes alone. Just, don’t even talk about race for a while.” Does it count as a joke to reference black pots and kettles?

All this commotion over the phrase “C.P. time” when used by NY Mayor DeBlasio, who is married to a black woman. Now, maybe in a P.C. age it wasn’t the best joke. But while we’re at it, I’ve heard in Hawaii and Jamaica and much of the Caribbean “Island time,” in Mexico “Mexican minutes,” from a lot of men “girl time” or “girl ready” and from someone married to a woman from Delhi “Indian Standard time.” So maybe we should all lighten up?

The Lakers apparently sold $1.2 million in Kobe Bryant merchandise yesterday. Although just think about how much the team might have made had they released Bryant a few years ago and built a team that could reach the playoffs.

 

From Alex Kaseberg   “In his last game, the Lakers’ Kobe Bryant scored 60 points to beat the Utah Jazz. Now, I don’t want to say Utah rigged the game for Kobe, but Custer played better defense against Sitting Bull.”

How high can you go?

March 12, 2016

Now rumors might have both Mark Sanchez and Colin Kaepernick in Denver. Good thing for fans Colorado has legalized marijuana.

 

 

Colin Kaepernick now says he wants to play for the Cleveland Browns. Maybe because he figures he has an easy act to follow.

The Denver Broncos have signed Mark Sanchez. So now we get to learn something new – how high does a butt-fumble bounce at 5,280 feet?

RIP Keith Emerson, of Emerson Lake and Palmer.  It’s bad enough when musicians from your youth die. It’s even worse when you realize that they actually had gotten old.

New free agent ‪#‎RGIII‬ apparently visited ‪#‎NYJets‬. Well, & what better landing spot for a QB who was tired of too much media attention.

‪#‎UConn‬‪#‎Cincinnati‬ game went 4 OTs today. Wow. That’s more time than many of the players will ever spend in class. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

Now that Trump is actually getting closer to winning the GOP primary, isn’t it time to call for an investigation: pretty sure that furry thing that lives on his head wasn’t born in the U.S.

 

Caitlyn Jenner, on her support for Donald Trump: “He would be very good on women’s issues. Just because I’m a woman now doesn’t make me all of a sudden liberal.”
Well, of course not, she had gender-reassignment surgery, not a brain transplant.

Joe’s Crab Shack has apologized for using a picture of a crowd of white people watching a black man being hanged as a table decoration. Really, weren’t there easier ways for the restaurant to say they’d like to host a Trump rally?

A Chicago man, Dennis Nicholl, has been arrested for regularly riding the Red Line train with a cellphone jammer. Hmm, so how many millions of people will be joining the ‪#‎freeDennis‬ campaign?

Some major GOP criticism of President Obama for missing Nancy Reagan’s funeral. But Nancy herself went to Bess Truman’s funeral without her husband, And W. did not accompany Laura and Barbara Bush to Lady Bird’s funeral. ‪#‎Noissuetoosmall‬.

Marco Rubio says it’s okay if his supporters in Ohio vote for John Kasich, as the Governor of the winner-take-all state has the best chance there to stop Donald Trump. Well, good, that ought to get Kasich at least two or three more votes.

Ben Carson, in making his endorsement this morning, said “There are two Donald Trumps.” Great, besides the Donald’s narcissism and other issues,, America also now has to worry about a potential President with “Dissociative Identity Disorder.”

Bob Woodward asked Trump about Mexico paying for his proposed wall, “Trust me, Bob, when I rejuvenate our military, Mexico’s not going to be playing with us with war.”
Because the U.S. now spending as much as the next seven countries combined isn’t enough to scare them already?

 

Stocks ended today at a new 2016 high. ‪#‎IblameObama‬

After this week’s shooting of a pto-gun mom by her 4-year-old son, Neal suggests, “open carry preschool!”

And from Marc Ragovin  “Well it’s March Madness, or as it’s otherwise, known, a Donald Trump rally.”

(again, funnier if it weren’t true.)