Archive for the ‘debate jokes’ category
October 24, 2016
There is a petition being circulated to replace Joe Buck with Bob Uecker for the World Series. They had me at “replace Joe Buck.”
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In the December 2014 Foster Farms Bowl matching Stanford and Maryland at Levi’s Stadium, so few fans were interested that organizers closed off the upper bowl of the stadium and moved everyone down to the lower levels.
So for future home games, how much worse do the 49ers have to get before the team decides to do the same thing?
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#NFL wonders why TV ratings are down & then Seahawks and Cardinals play to a 6-6 tie in overtime on Sunday Night Football.
General Mills said today they will produce limited-edition Girl Scout cookie cereal, in both Thin Mint and Caramel Crunch flavors. Isn’t it easier to just eat cookies for breakfast?
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Saddest thing about this election? Molly Ivins is not still on earth to cover it.
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Monday – October 24- was the last day to register to vote in California. So presume everyone who has not voted has forfeited bitching rights until next election!
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Elizabeth Warren to Trump “nasty women have really had it with guys like you. And on November 8. we nasty women are going to march our nasty feet to cast our nasty votes to get you out of our lives forever.”
Sometimes even the best SNL skit is no match for reality. #YouGoGirl
Despite Donald Trump’s anti-Muslim comments, a recent Zogby poll showed 12% of Arab-American Muslims said they’d vote for him. Guessing 99% of that 12% are men?
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This sort of thing would be funnier if it weren’t true: Trump, denying his latest accuser “And she’s a porn star. You know, this one that came out recently, ‘he grabbed me and he grabbed me on the arm.’ Oh, I’m sure she’s never been grabbed before.”
Can just imagine the Donald’s response on the subject of marital rape…
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Last week President Obama said that while people worry about being “left behind” with globalization “To try to pull-up a drawbridge on trade would only hurt us and hurt our workers.”
To which Chris Christie no doubt responded “Uh, you don’t need a drawbridge.”
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Trump’s daughter-in-law Lara, asked about any “October Surprises” today, responded “There’s still a couple of days left in October. So, we’ll see, we’ve got some stuff up our sleeve.”
Yeah, sounds like she’s become a Trump alright.
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Trump campaign manager KellyAnne Conway claimed that her boss would love more debates “the country benefits from those type of forum and we’d be willing to do another one if somehow they can squeeze it in.”
So is Conway really working for the Donald? Or for Alec Baldwin?
–Donald Trump today, trying to feed the hand he’s been biting “Go out and vote and that includes helping me reelect Republicans all over the place. He then added: “I hope they help me too! It’d be nice if they help us too, right?”
Someone really should tell the Donald that there is this thing called the internet that keeps track of every insult you say.
Marc Ragovin “After watching the Giants/Rams game, I am surprised the Brits haven’t severed relations with the US.”
Categories: debate jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, girl scout cookie jokes, Janice Hough, Joe Buck jokes, NFL jokes, Trump jokes, World Series jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
October 9, 2016
And once again the #MLBPlayoffs are a great time for As fans to watch their ex-players shine
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Tonight in a game that overlapped Presidential Debate #2, the Blue Jays finished off a sweep of the Rangers. So how unfair is this…. Canada beats the U.S. at our own national pastime. And they have Justin Trudeau?
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At this point if it came out that #Trump actually had shot someone on 5th Avenue, his supporters would claim Hillary & Bill had shot more
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After the O.J. trial, there was speculation that some of the jurors felt he was guilty, but they were so angry at the long-term behavior of the LAPD that they voted to acquit him. Watching some Trump supporters, who are so angry at the system, stick with him now feels a bit like that.
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Hillary Clinton, on her husband “I hope people will accept his apology, as I have, and focus on the important issues facing our nation and the world.” How dare she defend the indefensible like that. Oh, wait, that was Melania. Never mind.
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At this point number of women defending #Trump for leaked comments is about same as number of newspapers endorsing him.
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#RudyGuiliani “The fact is that men at times talk like that. Not all men, but men do. ” Of course when Rudy does it he includes 9-11.
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“It’s just words.” Can someone ask Trump how he would feel if someone , other than him, said those words about his daughter or wife?
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So can we assume that all the men defending @realDonaldTrump on this comments talk the same way about women themselves?
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So if @realDonaldTrump is somehow still elected will his Presidential library be the first to have an NC17 rating?
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#JohnKasich “Our country deserves better.” Translation “I am available.”
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So if all major newspapers not endorsing Trump hasn’t dented his support have to wonder if major politicians backing away will matter.
No handshake tonight. So congrats to the winners of tonight’s first prop bet. (Bet they didn’t get very good odds)
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“Mommy, is this the scary clown we should be afraid of?” Children watching debate
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Trump strategy is to count on fact that enough Americans hate Hillary they are willing to risk America’s future to see her in jail? #debate
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Is there any woman watching Sunday’s debate who isn’t creeped out by Trump’s spacing and lurking around Hillary’s back?
If Hillary Clinton should have had power to change tax code etc as a Senator, why didn’t Donald Trump just run for Senate.
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Hillary’s #basketofdeplorables is a sign of hate in her heart. Trump’s #grabherbythepussy is locker room banter. Got it. #sarcasm #debate
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“It’s locker room talk” and I will defeat ISIS. Because I want a first crack at those 72 virgins. #Trump #debate
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Trump brings up Bill Clinton’s past, now Hillary gets asked about her husband’s ACA comment. And men wonder why women are pissed off?
“I know nothing about Russia.” Donald Trump should have stopped with the first three words.
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Rumor @mike_pence considering asking to be removed from ticket? Fact we even question if rumor is true proves you can’t make this election up.
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Guessing that most undecided Americans now want moderators @andersoncooper and @MarthaRaddatz to run for President.
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Categories: baseball jokes, debate jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: blue jays jokes, deplorables jokes, endorsement jokes, Janice Hough, oj jokes, Rudy Giuliani jokes
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July 18, 2016
Now she’s rubbed off on the latest Mrs. Trump. #plagiarism #crookedmelania?
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To be fair someone who’s repeated same marriage vows 3 times probably doesn’t have a real problem with plagiarism. #Melania #RNCinCLE
So which is better, admitting she lied about writing the speech, or admitting she plagiarized? #CrookedMelania #RNCinCLE
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Before the plagiarism allegation popped up, that moment when a Presidential candidate’s third wife talks about how loyal he is. #whythereisnosatire #MelaniaTrump #RNC2016
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#RNCinCLE is so backwards we could be watching in black and white. Except that there is almost no black and too much white.
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So far #Trump‘s #RNCinCLE is proving you can’t have a circus without elephants.
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Leborn James today officially told the Cavs that he is returning to Cleveland. But not presumably this week during the convention.
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#Melania Trump, “Donald gets things done.” She should know; including the divorces from his first two wives.
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This Republican convention makes you long for the comparative sanity of #TheBachelorette
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Another reason to dislike Trump in Northern California. By his VP choices he has sullied the name of the #SFGiants beloved right fielder. #Pence
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The GOP managed to stop an attempted voice vote today over convention rules. The anti-Trump people clearly erred, they should have tied their protest to defunding Obamacare.
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Trump on Obama’s response to the latest police shootings: “sometimes the words are OK, but you just look at the body language, there’s something going on. Look, there’s something going on, and the words are not often OK, by the way.”
Again, this is the Donald trying to be in Presidential mode.
Although Trump does seem a bit obsessed with Obama’s body language. Maybe he’s getting old. Used to be the Donald only cared about body language in a swimsuit competition.
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Paul Ryan is being mocked for a large selfie with GOP interns that was whiter than a picture of polar bears in winter. Forget the open carry of guns, clearly some people cannot be trusted with selfie sticks.
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Christopher Correa, the former Cardinals scouting director, was sentenced to 46 months in prison Monday for hacking the Houston Astros’ player personnel database and email system. Correa was the only person charged in the case.
St. Louis chairman Bill DeWitt Jr, had said it was “roguish behavior” by a handful of individuals.
Didn’t they say the same thing at first about Watergate?
(and as a number of friends pointed out, 46 months is longer than some people get for rape and DUI murders in this country. #priorities)
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In Chicopee, Massachusetts, a 15 year old boy was killed after, while looking for a friend in the afternoon, he knocked on the side door of the wrong house, and the homeowner shot him. #ifonlytheboyhadbeenarmed
(and for the record, both the boy and the homeowner were white.)
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TC brings up the next worry facing Americans – and Canadians- let’s hope Melania does not steal our jokes.
Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: convention jokes, GOP convention jokes, melania jokes, plagiarism jokes, RNC jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
May 27, 2016
Virginia McLaurin, 107, went to her first MLB game this week at Nationals Park. 107. Wow. To put this in perspective, Ms. McLaurin was born only two years after the Cubs won their last World Series.
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Mets jump on Dodgers phenom Julio #Urias, 19, for 3 runs in 2.2 innings. So is that considered child abuse?
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SF Giants pitchers have had an incredible run over the past two weeks. Then a day off. Now a series at Coors Field. So it must sort of have felt like the victorious Christians felt before they had to face the Lions.
#MattCain is apparently hurt. Is it too soon for the #SFGiants to talk to the #Angels about a trade for Timmy? #Lincecum.
Albert Suarez may or may not have a long career for #SFGiants. But he’s already joined club of #Giants pitchers with RBIs. #PitchersWhoRake
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Jackie Bradley Jr. went 0-4 last night, snapping his hit streak at 29 games. So he was only a little over a month away from potentially catching Dimaggio.
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At the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art, someone left a pair of glasses on the floor, and museum goers figured they were art. Well, at least SFMOMA didn’t charge a special exhibition fee for them.
Link below. #nottheOnion
http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/art/news/a-pair-of-glasses-were-left-on-the-floor-at-museum-and-everyone-mistook-it-for-art-a7049551.html
Apparently Texas’s Nihar Janga, 11, one of the Scripps National Spelling Bee co-champions, has his own “X’ celebration display that mimicks Dez Bryant’s. And Janga went through the ritual while ignoring his co-champions attempt at a high-five.
Bryant wants to take the kid to a game. But isn’t it nice to know that in this country, now even nerds can be hot dogs. Sigh.
A new study shows a possible link between cell phone use and brain cancer. The survey could be flawed. Or it could be mean bitch karma being really tired of almost running into or being run into by all these idiots focused on their phones while walking, driving etc.
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Marco Rubio confirmed his decision not to run for re-election to the Senate, citing the fact that he wouldn’t challenge his friend the GOP lieutenant governor who is already running. So Rubio doesn’t also want to challenge Rick Santorum’s record of losing his seat by 18 points?
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Donald Trump now says he won’t debate Bernie Sanders because it would be “inappropriate.” Uh, can anyone remember a time when the Donald gave a rat’s ass about anything being “inappropriate?”
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Trump is going to spend part of Sunday at the “Rolling Thunder” motorcycle rally in D.C. Hmm, this inspires a new potential nickname for the Donald – “Trolling Blunder.”
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Donald Trump, in Fresno, patting himself on the back for coming to California ““No other Republican would come here for dinner.”
Surprised he didn’t add, “Not that we don’t have better restaurants at Trump Tower.”
Trump’s latest in California “There is no drought.” So is he going to have Mexico build walls to keep the rain in too?
Categories: baseball jokes, debate jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: art jokes, Cubs jokes, Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Rubio jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 15, 2016
The #Braves have won! Finally. Last week #Atlanta had a couple weeks that went this badly, Sherman was involved.
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After the NY Daily News printed a story that the Mets had sold most of the jerseys from the team’s first game in NY after 9/11, the team issued a statement “We admit that we made a mistake, and have instituted a new process with internal controls to prevent something like this from happening again in the future.”
So was the mistake profiting over the jerseys, or getting caught?
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John Kasich, in response to a woman student at a town hall in St. Lawrence University in NY saying she saying she worries about harassment on campus said “I’d also give you one bit of advice, don’t go to parties where there is a lot of alcohol.”
Can’t imagine how the GOP gets the reputation of being clueless on women’s issues. #andKasichissupposedtobethereasonableone
With all the attacks on Hillary over taking money from Wall Street for speeches, maybe it’s time for her to requote the line “If you can’t drink their whiskey, take their money, screw their women and still vote against him in the morning, you don’t belong in politics.”
Bill would certainly volunteer to help with the “women” part.
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Starting for the 2017-18 season, the NBA announced that companies can buy a 2.5-by-2.5-inch advertising space on game-day jerseys. So that means by about 2020 those jerseys will resemble those worn by NASCAR.
The Minnesota Twins came back and beat the Angels tonight, following upon the Braves’ first win. So ten games into the season, nobody’s perfect.
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AMC says they are scraping a plan to allow texting in theaters after saying they have heard “loud and clear” that it “is a concept our audience does not want.”
D’uh…. even people who text in theaters do not want other people texting in theaters.
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Kim Davis’s lawyer is now apparently helping Kentucky leglislators draft a bill to restrict bathroom access for LGBTs. Hmm, presumably after the Kentucky Derby so everyone doesn’t boycott that too?
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Sarah Palin says “Bill Nye is as much a scientist as I am.” Shocking! Palin acknowledges the concept of scientists?
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Hillary Clinton last night in the debate “It’s easy to diagnose a problem. It’s harder to do something about a problem.” And many Americans on both sides of the aisle are thinking “No, just tell us you’ll fix it, don’t confuse us with facts.”
Jason Whitlock, not joining in the Kobe Bryant lovefest, said that Kobe’s narcissism and selfishness ruined the Lakers. Strikes me that he’s both right and wrong. In his prime, Bryant helped lead Los Angeles to five rings with that narcissism and selfishness. When his skills decreased and his demands, on and off the court, remained the same – well, yes, then, Kobe helped make sure the Lakers became, and stayed, a lousy basketball team.
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T.C. on reports that Kim Jong Un now weighs over 300 pounds. “If this dictator thing doesn’t work out he can try out for the Boston Red Sox.”
Categories: baseball jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Braves jokes, Clinton jokes, Janice Hough, kasich jokes, Kobe jokes, Mets jokes, NBA jokes, texting jokes, Twins jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 14, 2016
Lots of uproar over a Sanders supporter using the term #Democraticwhores. Hillary fans are outraged. Meanwhile Bill is going “whores? where?
Really? A Rockies fan was kicked out of Coors Field for throwing a home run ball (hit by the Giants Trevor Brown) back onto the field. Good thing they don’t have that silly rule at Dodger Stadium. Madbum is hitting (and pitching) tomorrow night.
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Rough couple days for #SFGiants pitchers at Coors Field, giving up 21 runs in two days. But it could be worse, they could have given up all those runs interspersed with snow delays. (And yes, it is going to snow this weekend in Denver. Happy Spring.)
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Lots of attention on the Warriors winning 73 games. And over in Oakland the As are thinking “With luck we can do that this year too.”
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Meanwhile, in the NFL, Oakland and SF may combine to honor Golden State: this year’s Raiders are likely to win 7 games, while the 49ers are likely to win 3.
So what’s going to happen next? The Golden State Warriors lose a game? Or the Minnesota Twins or Atlanta Braves win a game?
So with this the 9th Democratic debate was there any point other than both sides hoping for a “gotcha” moment? #sanders #clinton
American Airlines has complained that TSA lines meant 6,800 of their passengers missed flights in just one week from March 14-20. Of course American is not complaining about all the change fees they were able to charge those passengers.
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Microsoft is suing the DOJ to prevent the government from going through users’ personal emails without notice. The company feels strongly that such an invasion of privacy should not be allowed, except by Microsoft and their advertisers.
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Canada is looking into passing an assisted suicide bill for terminally ill patients, but will not allow “suicide tourism” for Americans. Especially presumably after the November elections.
In Wisconsin a high school teacher who has been charged with having sex with her 16-year old student allegedly slept with him the night of her husband’s bachelor party and sent him selfies from her honeymoon. Your move, Florida.
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Al Sharpton, after Bill de Blasio and Hillary Clinton used a reference to “C.P” time in a skit – “Y’all got to leave all these jokes alone. Just, don’t even talk about race for a while.” Does it count as a joke to reference black pots and kettles?
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All this commotion over the phrase “C.P. time” when used by NY Mayor DeBlasio, who is married to a black woman. Now, maybe in a P.C. age it wasn’t the best joke. But while we’re at it, I’ve heard in Hawaii and Jamaica and much of the Caribbean “Island time,” in Mexico “Mexican minutes,” from a lot of men “girl time” or “girl ready” and from someone married to a woman from Delhi “Indian Standard time.” So maybe we should all lighten up?
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The Lakers apparently sold $1.2 million in Kobe Bryant merchandise yesterday. Although just think about how much the team might have made had they released Bryant a few years ago and built a team that could reach the playoffs.
From Alex Kaseberg “In his last game, the Lakers’ Kobe Bryant scored 60 points to beat the Utah Jazz. Now, I don’t want to say Utah rigged the game for Kobe, but Custer played better defense against Sitting Bull.”
Categories: debate jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Braves jokes, democratic whores jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Raiders jokes, Twins jokes, Warriors jokes
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March 12, 2016
Now rumors might have both Mark Sanchez and Colin Kaepernick in Denver. Good thing for fans Colorado has legalized marijuana.
Colin Kaepernick now says he wants to play for the Cleveland Browns. Maybe because he figures he has an easy act to follow.
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The Denver Broncos have signed Mark Sanchez. So now we get to learn something new – how high does a butt-fumble bounce at 5,280 feet?
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RIP Keith Emerson, of Emerson Lake and Palmer. It’s bad enough when musicians from your youth die. It’s even worse when you realize that they actually had gotten old.
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New free agent #RGIII apparently visited #NYJets. Well, & what better landing spot for a QB who was tired of too much media attention.
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#UConn#Cincinnati game went 4 OTs today. Wow. That’s more time than many of the players will ever spend in class. #MarchMadness
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Now that Trump is actually getting closer to winning the GOP primary, isn’t it time to call for an investigation: pretty sure that furry thing that lives on his head wasn’t born in the U.S.
Caitlyn Jenner, on her support for Donald Trump: “He would be very good on women’s issues. Just because I’m a woman now doesn’t make me all of a sudden liberal.”
Well, of course not, she had gender-reassignment surgery, not a brain transplant.
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Joe’s Crab Shack has apologized for using a picture of a crowd of white people watching a black man being hanged as a table decoration. Really, weren’t there easier ways for the restaurant to say they’d like to host a Trump rally?
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A Chicago man, Dennis Nicholl, has been arrested for regularly riding the Red Line train with a cellphone jammer. Hmm, so how many millions of people will be joining the #freeDennis campaign?
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Some major GOP criticism of President Obama for missing Nancy Reagan’s funeral. But Nancy herself went to Bess Truman’s funeral without her husband, And W. did not accompany Laura and Barbara Bush to Lady Bird’s funeral. #Noissuetoosmall.
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Marco Rubio says it’s okay if his supporters in Ohio vote for John Kasich, as the Governor of the winner-take-all state has the best chance there to stop Donald Trump. Well, good, that ought to get Kasich at least two or three more votes.
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Ben Carson, in making his endorsement this morning, said “There are two Donald Trumps.” Great, besides the Donald’s narcissism and other issues,, America also now has to worry about a potential President with “Dissociative Identity Disorder.”
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Bob Woodward asked Trump about Mexico paying for his proposed wall, “Trust me, Bob, when I rejuvenate our military, Mexico’s not going to be playing with us with war.”
Because the U.S. now spending as much as the next seven countries combined isn’t enough to scare them already?
Stocks ended today at a new 2016 high. #IblameObama
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After this week’s shooting of a pto-gun mom by her 4-year-old son, Neal suggests, “open carry preschool!”
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And from Marc Ragovin “Well it’s March Madness, or as it’s otherwise, known, a Donald Trump rally.”
(again, funnier if it weren’t true.)
Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Broncos jokes, Carson jokes, Colorado jokes, Janice Hough, joe's crab shack jokes, nancy reagan jokes, rock and roll jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
March 10, 2016
The Florida woman who was shot by her 4-year-old son apparently is still pro-gun, and her own mother dismisses the shooting as “an accident and nothing more.” Sounds like a good phrase for a tombstone.
Taco Bell has announced they are lowering some prices. Gosh, hope this doesn’t lead to their lowering the fine quality of their ingredients.
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In California, the legislature passed a bill to raise the smoking age to 21. And most college students are shrugging – “It’s only tobacco.”
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Regarding all this controversy over Kim Kardashian maybe being “slut-shamed” for her latest naked selfie: Look, I’m a feminist and think women should be proud of their bodies. But jeez, Kim, haven’t we seen enough of yours? #boring
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A rear admiral was fired after he admitted to investigators he spent nine hours in a ten day period aboard an assault ship looking at porn on a Defense Department computer. Nine hours out of ten days… and some are wondering, “Was he fired for not being man enough?”
(or stupid enough not to have a smart phone with an unlimited data plan.)
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A major brawl broke out and was caught on video on a Spirit Airlines flight today when two women started playing music from a boom box and refused to turn it down. While the women were detained by security at LAX no one was arrested.
Spirit Airlines did, however, reportedly charge other passengers on board an entertainment fee.
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Alas, a koala at the Griffith Park zoo in Los Angeles was apparently eaten by a local mountain lion. Clearly the koala should have been armed.
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In Kansas, GOP senators frustrated with the judicial system have passed a bill that would make “attempting to usurp the power” of the Legislature or the executive branch grounds for impeachment. So any judge who overturned legislation could be impeached. Forget spinning, James Madison is causing a tornado in his grave.
The Milwaukee Bucks’ O.J. Mayo broke his right ankle falling down stairs at home today and is done for the year. Making him luckier than Bucks’ season ticket holders.
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OSU’s Urban Meyer has endorsed John Kasich. Well, if Kasich gets on the ticket there go the GOP’s chances in Michigan.
Barack Obama’s approval ratings are back up to 50%, the highest in 3 years. Guess it’s beginning to dawn on Americans that one of these people they are watching debate is actually going to be our next president. #lookingbetterbycomparison
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Ben Carson is going to endorse Donald Trump. Does that mean Trump might be able to pick up both Carson’s supporters?
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Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio are so united in their so-called hatred of government: so will they both sign a pledge saying if a natural disaster hits their states they won’t call in the evil feds?
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Gave up on the GOP debate even for comedy research purposes to watch the Spurs game. Another reason to like San Antonio, they have so many “immigrant” players, they’d probably annoy the hell out of Trump.
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Trump says he will put Ben Carson in charge of education. Uh, except that during this campaign the Dr. has if anything made people wonder how low the standards have gotten for medical school?
Is this year’s #AmericanIdol final season format designed to make sure we really don’t miss the show when it’s gone?
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Trudeau-Obama press conference today in Washington. Two politicians together at lecterns who aren’t screaming at each other… Well, where’s the fun in that?
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Now that Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau has visited the White House waiting for Trump to tell his supporters “Big deal, when I am in charge we’ll make Canada’s President show up.”
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As a final change today from the debate circus tents: “In a rapidly pivoting world, it becomes easy to become fearful. It becomes easy to turn in on ourselves. And we know from history that it’s much more important to turn outwards, and to draw out the best in each other. And to understand that whenever people get together, regardless of how different they may seem, there are always more things we have in common than that differentiate us.”
Justin Trudeau, today in D.C. Once again, #canweborrowhim?
Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: gun jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, primary jokes, spirit jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
March 8, 2016
Pittsburgh’s DeAngelo Williams called out Peyton Manning as a “hall of fame QB who couldn’t play dead in a western last year.” Yeah, well that’s just piling on after the Steelers eliminated the Broncos from the playoffs last year. Oh wait, never mind.
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The Supreme Court today UNANIMOUSLY today reversed an Alabama court’s refusal to recognize a same-sex adoption. Yes, even Thomas and Alito agreed. Maybe we are creeping into the 21st century after all..
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Erin Andrews won $55 million in her lawsuit over being videotaped nude in her hotel room. And the Kardashians are thinking “We’d have allowed it for half that.”
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Bette Middler might have won the internet today: “Kim Kardashian tweeted a nude selfie today. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we’ve never seen, she’s gonna have to swallow the camera.”
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Atlanta Falcons assistant coach Marquand Manuel has apologized for asking OSU cornerback Eli Apple if he was gay. So is he sorry for the question, or sorry that it leaked out?
A United Airlines flight from Houston to Munich had to return to Intercontinental Airport with smoke billowing from one engine after they hit a bird during takeoff. No injuries were reported. Well, except for the bird.
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Maria Sharapova apparently failed a drug test at the Australian Open. The substance is one she has been taking for years, but was on a list of drugs that were banned starting January 1. Sharapova acknowledged getting the email but said she didn’t read it….
Creative excuses isn’t one area we really wanted women athletes to start equaling men.
(And okay, if it’s a lie it’s a stupid one, if she didn’t read the list and didn’t have someone on her staff read it well, well, that’s more stupid.)
Six UC Santa Cruz fraternity and sorority members were arrested and charged with being part of an organized Ecstasy drug ring. Well, that’s one way to deal with high tuition costs.
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Some talk now about how much a loss in the Florida Primary would hurt Marco Rubio. Well, not as much as his own campaigning has hurt him.
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32 pts in 1st half for #Spurs tonight in Indiana against the #Pacers. That Sunday #Lakers game might have not been the best for San Antonio’s usual inspiration from watching the Golden State #Warriors.
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Michael Bloomberg says he will not run for President. Has he finally figured out that the seat for the egotistical New York billionaire in the clown car is full?
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Meanwhile in South Florida, the Sun-Sentinel says there is no good candidate in the GOP primary and will not endorse. This includes the man they endorsed when he ran for Senate “Because Rubio has failed to do his job as a senator, broken the promises he made to Floridians and backed away from his lone signature piece of legislation on immigration, we cannot endorse him for president.”
Not even to get him out of Florida?
Categories: airline jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bloomberg jokes, Erin Andrews jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Rubio jokes, Supreme Court jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 7, 2016
Peyton Manning apparently will announce his retirement Monday. Presumably from outside a Papa John’s store with a case of Budweiser?
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Forget Megyn Kelly. If we really want to make the men behave could Lady Mary or Dowager Countess moderate next #GOPDebate? #DowntonAbbey
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Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are. promising an issue-filled debate tonight. And millions of Americans are thinking “where’s the fun in that
#Bernie and #Hillary actually got a little contentious in tonight’s debate. GOP watchers were thinking “Wimps, where are the real insults, where are the d*ck jokes?”
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Bernie Sanders’ best line of the debate was talking about increasing mental health funding “and if you saw last week’s GOP debate, you know we need it.”
So when #JustinTrudeau gets done with being Canada’s Prime Minister can we borrow him?
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Love at 1st sight or at least 1st inning for #SFGiants fans: Jeff Samardzija strikes out Crawford, Pederson and Puig
Was at a party this afternoon and afterwards checked online to see how by much the #Warriors beat the #Lakers and #WTF?
Today, was actually the first time an NBA team wore equipment to honor a live and active player, the Lakers wore special socks Bryant-themed socks with No. 2 on the right sock and No. 4 on the left.
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Somewhere the Yankees and Derek Jeter are going “why didn’t we think of something like that”?
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Reports are that Gregg #Popovich is looking into ordering a really big box of #KobeBryant socks #Warriors #Spurs #NBAplayoffs
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RIP Nancy Reagan. Wonder if it was all these candidates hijacking her husband’s party that killed her. #whoknewReaganwouldlookmoderate?
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Increasingly looking like the real #Florida joke is #MarcoRubio #GOPPrimary
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Give #Trump credit, his promises may be empty where most of the country is concerned. But he sure has helped make #SNL great again.
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United’s CEO Oscar Munoz is returning to work after an October heart attack and surgery – a medical leave of five months. Curiously enough, that’s about the same amount of time the airline thinks is reasonable to find your luggage.
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John Kasich has fired his campaign’s deputy digital director Blake Waggoner after it was reported he was arrested in Nov. 2015 after a woman accused him of choking her and punching her in the back. Sounds like the only adult in the GOP room hasn’t been paying enough attention to what his kids were doing.
Caityn Jenner, complaining about Hillary Clinton: “She couldn’t care less about women. She cares about herself.” So did Jenner make the comments while she was volunteering at something? No, on her reality show “I am Cait.”
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg – “Astronaut Scott Kelley returned after a year in space to find Madonna on tour, a Clinton running for president and the police testing OJ Simpson’s knife and he said;
“Stop screwing around. What year is it really?”
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Categories: debate jokes, football jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: debate jokes, Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, Peyton Manning jokes, sanders jokes, Warriors jokes
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March 5, 2016
So what are we going to title the next few weeks of the #GOPPrimary? Since #MarchMadness is already taken.
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Now Marco Rubio says that Donald Trump is the “most vulgar person ever to aspire to the Presidency.” What’s next, a rousing chorus of “I see London, I see France, I see someone’s underpants?”
Astronaut Scott Kelly says he grew two inches in space and now he can’t sink a basketball shot. Hmm, so is this the explanation for big men like Shaq and DeAndre Jordan and free throws? They’re really from a different planet?
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Ah for the good old days when #votefortheworst just mean you ended up with a lousy winner on #AmericanIdol #GOPPrimary
Saw a headline that “Wall Street is about to go after Trump big time.” Oh this billionaire on billionaire violence….
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In a reality TV world should we be surprised that being the only adult in the room is not necessarily a way to win the audience?
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Ravens LB Terrell Suggs was arrested this morning in Arizona and charged with leaving the scene of an accident and driving with a suspended license. Then he tweeted out “MooD:…….Driving with a suspended license! Street Cred= 100,000 Trillion. My bad.”
#stayclassy #rolemodels #NFL
So the Atlanta Falcons have apologized after Ohio State’s Eli Apple reported that during the NFL combine he was asked if he “liked men.” Waiting for the first team to apologize for asking players if they think their mom is hot. #nottheOnion #stayclassy
Ben Carson has dropped out of the Presidential race. Saying “I did the math. I looked at the delegate counts … and I realized it simply wasn’t going to happen.” Well, there’s his first problem, trying to be a GOP candidate who believes in math.
After becoming the butt of Twitter jokes, Whole Foods has pulled pre-peeled oranges from their shelves. Thereby probably really upsetting the same millennials who don’t eat cereal with milk because it’s too much work.
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If we are going to have all this nastiness in #GOPPrimary can we at least get competence and draft #FrankUnderwood? #HouseofCards
Amazing. Southwest can turn a flight around in about 15 minutes. United can’t turn a domestic flight around in less than an hour. #apassionformediocrity
Categories: airline jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: American Idol jokes, astronaut jokes, Carson jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 3, 2016
Peyton Manning, in a speech last night at the Florida Forum “Many of you have probably heard that I have a significant announcement to make, so I thought I’d go ahead and make it with all of you here tonight. Papa John’s is offering 50 percent off tonight through Friday.”
Someday Manning may have the only funeral where they hand out pizza coupons.
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South Africa’s highest court has dismissed Oscar Pistorius’s appeal against his murder conviction, so he could be facing a minimum 15-year jail sentence. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.
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Anyone who thought the GOP campaign couldn’t go any lower? I think this CNN headline might mean we just hit bottom.”Donald Trump defends size of his penis.”
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John Kasich isn’t someone I would vote for, but I still think he’s a capable human being. Watching him on the margins of the GOP debate recalls an anecdote about Adlai Stevenson in the 1956 presidential campaign: A woman called out “Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!” Stevenson called back “That’s not enough, madam, we need a majority!”
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So if the GOP is really serious about stopping Trump, it should be noted that in Alaska the Donald got Sarah Palin’s endorsement. And the winner was Ted Cruz. #coincidence?
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Now Mitt Romney apparently is focused mostly on keeping Trump from having 1,237 delegates, the number he needs to secure the nomination, so that the GOP can block the Donald at the convention.
Well, this ought to do wonders for convincing potential Trump voters that the establishment isn’t rigged against them..
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Mitt Romney just attacked Donald Trump for dishonesty and pointed to Trump’s “greed,” “showing off”, and “misogyny,” Hey wait, aren’t those real GOP values?
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Mitt Romney called Donald Trump a “phony” and a “fraud” who would hand the election to the Dems in November. So which Mitt was talking? The moderate governor of Mass., or the “severe conservative” who ran in 2012?
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An Australian writer, Helen Garner, got what she thought was a spam email with “good news” and saying somewhat at Yale needed her phone number. It turned out to be real; she had won a $150,000 writing prize.
And a whole lot of spammers just got a new idea.
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Scott Kelly grew two inches while he was in space. And wonder how many men are telling women, “Well, I used to be an astronaut.”
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Jim Harbaugh and Tennessee coach Butch Jones are now in a Twitter battle, where Jones went after Michigan for practicing in Florida, and Harbaugh told him to “focus on his own program.”
So how can we get a game between the Wolverines and Volunteers? #ratings #whatsyourdeal?
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LeBron James is getting some criticism for working out with Dwayne Wade during a couple off-days, especially as the Heat also are probably a playoff team. But really, who expects Miami to be around long enough in the postseason for it to matter?
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Jeb Bush is trying to make a difference and redeem his status within the GOP. So if he’s really serious can Jeb endorse Trump?
Has someone told the #Thunder that hockey has three periods, basketball has four quarters? #Warriors #NBA
Categories: baseball jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cruz jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, Harbaugh jokes, Janice Hough, Mitt jokes, Romney jokes, Rubio jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 2, 2016
Since no one else seems to be able to stop the Warriors, Sports Illustrated will take a shot at it by putting Golden State on the cover.
Miley Cyrus called Donald Trump a ‘nightmare” and says she may move out of the country if he gets elected. Uh oh. Let’s hope Justin Bieber or the Kardashians don’t get the same idea or Trump could become unstoppable.
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Donald Trump’s tweet, after Nikki Haley endorsed Marco Rubio – “The people of South Carolina are embarrassed by Nikki Haley,” Haley’s response “Bless your heart.”
For the uninitiated, “Bless your heart,” is Southern for “f*ck you.”
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Sports Authority has filed for bankruptcy. So will the Denver Broncos now play in Chapter 11 Stadium?
(my friend Rick D. suggests ‘Secured Creditors Field.”)
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As we approach March Madness, Stanford’s men’s basketball team has been doing better of late. Are they poised to defend their NIT title?
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Donald Trump started with stupid and childish insults about Marco Rubio, who fired back on the same level, but it’s just Rubio who seems to be taking a it in the polls. George Bernard Shaw was right – “I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.”
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Ben Carson says he will skip the next GOP debate. Shocking people who didn’t even realize he was in the last one.
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Ben Carson now admits he has “no path” to the Republican nomination, but won’t formally quit the Presidential race. “Attaboy” said Brett Favre.
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So when can we tune in to hear #SteveHarvey talk about #MarcoRubio‘s great #SuperTuesday victories?
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#PaulRyan says “absolutely no interest” in becoming #GOP nominee at a brokered convention. But he had no interest in being Speaker either.
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Mitt Romney says he will speak Thursday “on the state of the Presidential Race.” Well, and if anyone should be an expert on how the GOP establishment can blow an election campaign….
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Hard to believe now but some once thought the most politically damaging bromance involving Chris Christie was his 2012 embrace of Barack Obama.
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In South Carolina, a woman who had taught for 13 years had her phone swiped by a 16-year-old-student, who found a nude Valentine’s Day picture she had taken for her husband, The kid then shared the photo with social media and texts. And the TEACHER was offered the choice to resign or go through a dismissal process. Hmm, maybe it is time for teachers to be armed
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The Oklahoma City Thunder blew a 17 pt lead against the Clippers in the 4th quarter. Last time fans in Los Angeles saw such a fast late meltdown, the Dodgers bullpen was involved.
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A Washington man who’d been taking selfies all day with his gun accidentally finally ended up fatally shooting himself. Your move, Florida. #cantfixstupidbutyoucanburyit
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Curt Schilling just said that Hillary Clinton should be “buried under a jail somewhere” over her emails on private servers. Right, wonder what he would have said had Clinton been sued by a state for fraud over a $75 million business loan guarantee that ended up costing said state almost $100 million….
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Groaner of the day from Marc Ragovin “The Mets’ Noah Syndergaard and Yoenis Cespedes rode around the team’s training complex the other day on two horses from Cespedes’ s ranch. Proving that these two have come a long way from their days in the Pony League.”
Categories: baseball jokes, debate jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Carson jokes, Curt Schilling jokes, Janice Hough, nikki haley, Trump jokes
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March 1, 2016
Oscar ratings were at an 8-year low. So was that due to the #oscarssowhite boycott, or the fact that most Americans didn’t care about most of the movies.
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One reason the Bachelor is now such a guilty pleasure. How often these days do you get to watch a serious train wreck, without having to worry that the “winner” will be the leader of the free world?
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Joe Scarborough, on Donald Trump’s not definitely denouncing David Duke “So is this how the party of Abraham Lincoln dies?” Can just imagine Trump’s reply – “Hey, I wouldn’t definitely denounce Abraham Lincoln either.”
A Ryanair flight from London to Bratislava diverted to Berlin after some men in a bachelor party “misbehaved so badly.” and one man apparently got naked. Now, had it been a bachelorette party Ryanair would probably have charged an entertainment fee.
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A Google self-driving car hit a bus in Mountain View, CA. No fault has been determined yet, but hope the car wasn’t texting at the time.
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As if the Cubs being favored to win the World Series wasn’t enough of a sign of the apocalypse, now Justice Clarence Thomas has asked a question during oral arguments.
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Donald Trump is now saying a “lousy earpiece” is the reason he didn’t disavow former KKK leader David Duke yesterday. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.
J.C. Penney is apparently staging a turnaround and both their sales and stock are up. Of course, they were so far down before guessing most Millennials think they’re a brand new company.
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Hotel resort fees are a joke. But this one from a condo company in Hawaii might be a new low – the $10 a day includes “entry gate electronic card for access to the resort premises” Didn’t that used to be called a key?
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A NY federal judge has ruled in a drug case that Apple doesn’t have to unlock an iPhone at the government’s request. These issues are complicated, but got to love the usually pro-business conservatives on the side of the feds, while many normally pro-government liberals are backing Apple.
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A fundraising request today said “I’m sorry we keep emailing you.” Uh, well then there’s a simple solution – STOP EMAILING. #notsosorry
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Watching the GOP primaries and thinking I’m so old I remember when the Democrats were the ones tearing their party apart with craziness.
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After Sarah Palin etc started really going after the media and politics as usual, can’t help but think that for many Trump supporters, the attacks from both the media and other politicians just make them like him more. #lawofunintendedconsequences
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Donald Trump today rolled out endorsements from NASCAR stars. Well, of course, drivers are rich men who will benefit from Trump’s tax plan.
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John Kasich, on the current name-calling competition between Rubio and Trump. “I would rather not win than lower the bar.” Spoken like a man who learned his limbo limits in college. #howlowcanyougo?
From T.C. in response to my comment about #DonaldTrump being snubbed at the Oscars for his role in acting like a potential serious world leader.
“What bout Pill Cosby for Best Actor in a Courtroom Drama? (…and …. he’s Black!)”
Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Oscars jokes, ryanair jokes, The Bachelor jokes, Trump jokes
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February 16, 2016
Not sure what makes me feel older at Grammys, the “in memoriams” or all these major acts I have never heard of.
You know it’s bad when the #SuperBowl halftime show had better audio than the #GRAMMYs
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#Hamilton wins Grammy for best musical theater album. Good for them. but this could really make tickets hard to get.
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#TaylorSwift‘s “Out of the Woods” was received so well at tonight’s #GRAMMYs she’ll need to find a new boyfriend to break up with to top it.
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For all those who say that Peyton Manning is getting a pass from the media over his past sexual assault allegation because he is white, I give you the adulation also now given at the end of his career to Kobe Bryant.
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Dylan McCaffrey, a QB and the younger brother of Christian, has committed to Michigan. Good for Jim Harbaugh. But an important note – Stanford didn’t make him an offer.
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Sign of the apocalypse? USA today is projecting the #Cubs to win 101 games.#
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Anyone but me want to see #DonaldTrump & #KanyeWest try to get together and see if their egos will fit in the same room?
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Hoping those folks who claimed to be offended by Beyonce at #SuperBowl are listening to #GRAMMYs tonight with picture off. #seriouslyskimpyclothing
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Kanye West says he’s $53 million in debt. If true “I feel so sorry for him,” said nobody.
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So if Kanye West’s really $53 million in debt will he declare bankruptcy? If so, maybe that will be the first step for Kanye to show he’s serious about running for President.
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Who says Californians don’t have weather problems in February? Why, after leaving my car in a shopping center parking lot today for an hour I had to turn the fan on driving home to cool it down….
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So Antonin Scalia was reportedly found with a pillow over his head, but looking “peaceful” and his family waived an autopsy. #BlameObama conspiracy theories in 3-2-1…..
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Jeb Bush is taking some grief for having his brother campaign for him in South Carolina. But after watching recent GOP debates, have to figure a lot of Americans are thinking W. doesn’t look so bad by comparison. #maybedumbbutnotbatshitcrazy
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Got to love targeted advertising. Clicked on a story about major Comcast outages across the country, and then almost immediately got a Yahoo ad to switch to Comcast.
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Even Anthony Weiner is beginning to think that #EliotSpitzer has serious issues with women.
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Marco Rubio’s latest ad referenced Reagan’s 1984 “Morning in America” ad. Except the footage was from…. Vancouver! Is Rubio trying to be Ted Cruz’s running mate?
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Apparently the Democrats don’t want to debate on Fox News. I don’t know. Seems like a fine opportunity for both Hillary and Bernie to show they’re tough enough to stand up to Megyn Kelly.
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Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: grammy jokes, Grammys jokes, hamilton jokes, Janice Hough, Kanye West jokes, Kobe Bryant jokes, scalia jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 14, 2016
In the midst of all the craziness, this comment from Ruth Bader Ginsberg on Antonin Scalia is worth repeating. “I disagreed with most of what he said, but I loved the way he said it.”
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So at #Scalia‘s funeral will Clarence Thomas honor his late colleague by not saying a few words?
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#TedCruz says the next President should nominate
#Scalia‘s replacement. So congrats to all those who had “about 10 minutes” in the pool.
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Wind chill in liberal Massachusetts tonight down to at least 35 below. Maybe some in the GOP shouldn’t have said it would be a cold day in hell when Obama would get to nominate another Supreme Court justice.
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Padmanabhan Srikanth “Sri” Srinivasan – google him. Confirmed 97-0 on the US Court of Appeals. Obama could make things very difficult both for the GOP and reporters/copy editors.
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So all these GOP yahoos demanding we wait until the election and to let the next President pick the next Supreme Court justice, does this mean that if a Republican is elected, they think he should not be able to fill any potential SCOTUS opening in the 2nd half of his term?
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We interrupt politics for a bulletin from Pebble Beach. Phil Mickleson is leading the AT&T Pro-Am by 2 strokes after 3 rounds. Even Jamie Moyer is thinking “That dude is old.”
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Jenrry Mejia has been banned permanently from MLB for his 3rd PED suspension. Clearly Mejia should have focused on trying to play NFL football, where he’d be back again after a few games.
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More of the “stuff” you can’t make up: In New York, Central Park’s ice festival was canceled today, due to extreme cold.
(And in Minnesota they’re just giggling.)
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Kentucky men’s basketball coach John Calipari was ejected two minutes and 26 seconds into today’s game against South Carolina. 146 seconds?!! That’s only about as long as his players spend in class.
As a retirement gift, Michael Jordan gave Kobe Bryant a full set of all 30 sneakers released so far in the Air Jordan line. A very nice gift. Although at this point Kobe almost has enough money to have been able to buy them himself.
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For that matter, will those in the GOP who say a president should not be able to nominate a Supreme Court judge in the last year of his term, also say that a president cannot negotiate important deals and treaties etc in that last year. Leaderofthefreeworldforthefirsthalfofhisorherterm?
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Mitch McConnell -“The American people should have a voice in the selection of their next Supreme Court Justice. Therefore, this vacancy should not be filled until we have a new President.” Uh, didn’t the American people exercise their voice by electing President Obama? Twice.
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Ted Cruz’s campaign is dealing with some fallout because they accidentally used a porn actress in on of their commercials. Such an ad would never be released by Hillary Clinton’s campaign – Bill would recognize the actress first.
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Watching these debates makes many Americans wish that Jed Bartlett was president. Heck, watching these debates makes many Americans wish Frank Underwood was president.
Comparing tonight’s GOP debate to a kindergarten playground is an insult to kindergarteners.
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Somewhere Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders had to be watching this #GOPDebate and just giggling.
So will those in the GOP who say a president should not be able to nominate a Supreme Court judge in the last year of his term, also say that a president cannot negotiate important deals and treaties etc in the last year of his term? #Leaderofthefreeworldforthefirsthalfofhisorherterm?
Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Clarence Thomas jokes, Cruz jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, scalia jokes, Supreme Court jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
February 11, 2016
The NBA is discussing a proposal during the All-Star break that would let teams sell ONE corporate logo on their uniforms for the 2017-18 season. Meaning by about the 2020-21 season the uniforms should all look like NASCAR’s.
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So Jeremy Affeldt is joining the CSN broadcast crew. Can’t wait until the first time the former SF Giants pitcher second guesses Bruce Bochy’s pitching change decisions.
SF Giants fans who remember Affeldt’s creative stints on the DL hope that the network offers good medical insurance.
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Some discussion on where RGIII may end up next year. Well, the Redskins QB may have been disappointing but RGIII should be thankful to Johnny Manziel for making him look like a good bet by comparison.
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Jason Castro today became the first MLB player to lose in arbitration this year.. He had asked for $5.2 million, but the arbitrator sided with the Astros, and gave him only $5 million.
You know baseball salaries are in another world when the immediate reaction is, “only $200,000, why couldn’t they settle?”
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Scientists say they have detected gravitational waves, which were a major component of Einstein’s theory of relativity. Waiting for the GOP rebuttal.
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Ben Carson – “I’m getting a lot of pressure to make sure I stay in the race.” No doubt, primarily from comedy writers who lost both Fiorina and Christie in the same day.
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Anyone but me think it’s a bit strange that the guy who is saying “Make America Great Again” is a multi-billionaire who consistently has had America be pretty great for him.
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Donald Trump attacked the NY Daily News after it put him on their cover as a clown, saying it was a failing paper. So now the NYDN has a new hashtag, #Trumpfails, and started a “brief history of Trump’s many failures.” Get some popcorn folks, this could be fun.
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Patriots owner Robert Kraft to a TV reporter “I happened to see Archie (Manning)…. He has two sons who have won two Super Bowls (each) But with all due respect, we have one son who has won four.” Ah, it’s this sort of thing that makes the Patriots so beloved outside New England. #stayclassy
The Raiders announced they have signed a lease to stay in Oakland for the 2016 season. Translation, nobody else wants them.
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Kanye West, in lyrics about Taylor Swift – ” I made that that B—H famous.” Hard to believe it’s possible but Kanye might almost make the Kardashians look classy by comparison.
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Marco Rubio says he broke a tooth chewing on a frozen Twix Bar. And somewhere W. is thinking “And they gave me grief on a pretzel?”
After a summit in Munich, John Kerry has announced a deal for a ceasefire in Syria “within a week.” #IblameObama
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You call this a debate? Where is the name-calling, where is the crazy talk, where are the clowns? #DemDebate
The U.S election system really has gotten corrupt. Why, we can’t even vote on the American Idol semi-finalists anymore. Viewers won’t be able to vote until the last six weeks. #isnothingsacred?
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From T.C. “Nike is celebrating its Jordan Brand’s 30th anniversary this weekend. The latest models will sell for $200. This compared to only $100 when they were first introduced. The company blames the price increase on raises that have brought their Chinese children factory workers up to 35 cents per hour “
Categories: baseball jokes, cellphone jokes, debate jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, NBA All-Star game jokes, NBA jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 9, 2016
New Hampshire results are in. So now be know even more about what voters in small white states think.
But first some non-primary jokes:
Quicken Loans Super Bowl ad had the idea that people could get a mortgage on their phones, and asked: “If it could be that easy, wouldn’t more people buy homes?” Guessing they won’t run the ad in theaters before “The Big Short?”
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If we needed any more proof that Jim Harbaugh is turning Michigan back into a powerhouse, the SEC has asked the NCAA to stop the Wolverines practicing in Florida over Spring Break, saying Harbaugh is taking his players “free time away.” Right, because the SEC is SO concerned about student-athletes’ well being….
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Meteorologists are now saying Royal Caribbean should not have sailed their Anthem of the Seas ship into hurricane force winds as the storm was “well-forecast.” So guessing ambulance-chasing lawyers and class-action lawsuits in three, two, one…..
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Disney’s “Frozen” is coming to Broadway in 2018. And so millions more American parents of daughters who weren’t old enough for the 2013 movie will discover the soundtrack and start wishing they really could “Let it Go.”
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Rick Snyder was asked to speak before Congress on the Flint water crisis and declined, saying he has a budget meeting. Imagine how the GOP would react if Jennifer Granholm was still Governor of Michigan and declined such an invitation. Of course, if Granholm was still Governor we probably wouldn’t have the Flint water crisis.
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At a Trump rally, the Donald repeated a woman’s insult about Ted Cruz “She said he’s a pussy.” Prompting calls for an immediate apology, from cats.
Chris Christie didn’t do that well in New Hampshire. But thinking all GOP candidates not named Rubio owe him a thank-you gift. Maybe bridge mix?
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John Kasich tonight said “the light overcame the darkness of negative campaigning.” Translation, “if I start really gaining traction I’ll have my Super PAC do the negative campaigning for me.”
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John Kasich said of his campaign moving on from New Hampshire to South Carolina from “We’re going to be changing some snowshoes for some flip-flops and we’re going to go from fried clams to jambalaya.”
Jeez, Governor, it’s jambalaya is Louisiana, in South Carolina it’s “perloo.” Get your pandering straight.
Chris Christie said he’s going to “take a deep breath” and go home. Apparently he’s out of money. But the thought of the Governor quitting and going back to his state might bring a flood of donations. From New Jerseyans.
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So if today marks the end of the campaign, suppose it’s somehow apt that the happened on
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Last Democrat to win #NewHampshire primary and the Presidency in the same year? #JimmyCarter
A subdued Marco Rubio “We did not do well on Saturday and so listen to this: That will never happen again.” Does that mean Rubio is dropping out of future debates?
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Donald Trump’s son Eric says that waterboarding is “quite frankly is no different than what happens on college campuses and frat houses every day.”
So just how many of the GOP candidates were frat boys anyway?
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The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams, responding to Rudy Giuliani’s whine that the Super Bowl halftime show should have “wholesome” entertainment “You’re right…The fans deserve wholesome entertainment: Like watching 300-pound men give each other concussions while a crowd cheers like extras in the movie Gladiator. So what is wrong with Beyoncé, everyone? Were you not entertained?”
Three word hashtag #YouGoGirl
Categories: debate jokes, political jokes. election jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Christie jokes, Frozen jokes, Janice Hough, kasich jokes, New hampshire jokes, primary jokes, Trump jokes
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December 23, 2015
Apparently the state shut down 10 restaurants in South Florida: last week due to health violations like roaches and rodent droppings found on site. Well, clearly the patrons needed to be armed.
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Meanwhile a Florida man died after he accidentally shot himself while on a video call with a relative. The Miami-Dade Police said he was “explaining the proper way to clean a firearm” #cantfixstupid #butyoucanburystupid #Darwin
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The California Dungeness crab season will not open this year in time for Christmas due to perceived safety issues from toxins due to warmer than usual ocean temperatures.
Humbug. But I repeat, all those who don’t believe in science and/or global warming should be our canaries in the coal mine, or rather crab mine, and feast away:
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Jeb Bush, on what he might be expected to say at an upcoming New Hampshire event -“A sentence in the English language, you know? With an adjective and adverbs, three syllable words occasionally.”
Uh, Jeb, this is not exactly known as playing to the GOP primary base
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When all these companies who send almost spam all year to your email inbox then send electronic Christmas or Holiday greetings, you know, it’s still almost spam.
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Defending World Cup champion Marcel Hirscher was almost hit by a falling drone camera during a run in a World Cup race today in Italy. After the event Hirscher – “This is horrible. This can never happen again.” And sponsors are thinking – but think of the potential TV ratings. #Worldcupdemolitionderby
NY Giants coach Tom Coughlin said today that Odell Beckham “certainly was wrong, and we’ve said he was wrong from day one. But there were factors involved, starting in pregame, which are well documented, which indicate that there was an attempt to provoke him. He was provoked.”
I have some sympathy for Beckham being upset. But hate to say it, if you’re an adult NFL player, aren’t you supposed to be above freaking out over insults and trash talk?
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A Southwest plane landed safely today back at Oakland Airport after circling for four hours. The pilot was worried over a potential problem with the landing gear. No injuries but now for the important issue for most passengers – do they get extra frequent flier miles for all that circling?
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A Windstar ship has run aground at a remote island -Isla de Colba – off the coast of Panama. All passengers and crew are safe but the ship is too damaged to complete the cruise. CNN is crushed, the island is 200 miles from Panama City and with full planes around the holidays probably no way to get a big news crew down to cover it.
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Donald Trump is now claiming that “schlonged” isn’t vulgar. Well, at this point it might not be as vulgar as “Trumped.”
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Look, who the heck knows what goes on in anyone else’s marriage. But interesting that no one attacking Bill and Hillary, who actually are still together, seems to have a problem with the fact that both Trump and Fiorina both met their current spouses when they were married to their previous spouses. #familyvalues
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On Fox News, they have been suggesting that Chelsea Clinton’s second pregnancy was timed for her to have the baby right in the middle of the 2016 campaign. Uh, as if any 35 year-old woman can exactly time ANY pregnancy?
(and what about all babies being a gift from God and all that…. #notsoprolife
Black Lives Matter protesters shut down Mall of America and an airport terminal today. Now I sympathize with the cause. But if you want to get average Americans on your side making them miss a flight or not get their Christmas shopping done is probably not the best way to do it.
Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bush jokes, Christmas jokes, Florida jokes, GOP jokes
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December 19, 2015
Florida announced that QB Will Grier. suspended until late in the 2016 season for PEDs, will transfer. Coach Jim McElwain said “this has been very difficult on him and obviously he is looking for a fresh start.” Obviously. Or at least more lax drug testing.
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Martin Shkreli has tweeted out “I am confident I will prevail. The allegations against me are baseless and without merit.” Uh, has it occurred to Shkreli that the only people who don’t think he’s a complete scumbag are the same people who are plenty rich enough to get out of jury duty?
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The first college bowl game – the Air Force Reserve Celebration Bowl – was today was between Alcorn State and North Carolina A&T – Be honest. Who even knew those two schools had football teams?
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Our symbol is not the barbed wire fence, it is the Statue of Liberty. #DemDebate #OMalley #Stillwontwinbutnicelysaid
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#MartinOMalley “Can I offer another generation’s perspective?” Not like millennials are watching, but if they were “you guys are all old.”
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Love Bernie Sanders but every time you see him talk you expect to hear him yell “You punks get off my lawn.” #DemDebate
So Matt Cassell managed to throw an interception and get called for intentional grounding on the same play. #NYJvsDAL Somewhere Mark Sanchez is giggling. #almostabuttfumble
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#MartinOMalley “Can I offer another generation’s perspective?” Not like millennials are watching, but if they were “you guys are all old.”
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Obama met with families of those people killed in San Bernadino yesterday, and a local GOP supervisor criticizing him for it. saying the President should have met with the wounded too. The supervisor also accused Obama of “politicizing” the tragedy. And he said it with a straight face. #cantwin
Tonight the #DallasCowboys were officially eliminated from the playoffs. No punchline, I just like writing it.
Categories: debate jokes, political jokes. election jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cowboys jokes, debate jokes, dem debate jokes, Janice Hough, omalley jokes
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Left Coast Sports Babe 