Posted tagged ‘Braves jokes’

Moving out

October 3, 2016

The Atlanta Braves played their last game at Turner Field yesterday. Next year they will have a beautiful new stadium in the suburbs for fans not to show up to.

The home-plate umpire for Wednesdays Giants-Mets wild-card game is Mike Winters. SF fans might remember Winters as the ump who ejected Bruce Bochy in consecutive games last season.
East Coast bias conspiracy theories in 3….2…1…..

SF 49ers announced today that LB NaVorro Bowman injured his Achilles and will be out for the season. Is it too soon to be thinking about that #1 draft pick?


So @Vikings who’ve lost #TeddyBridgewater & #AdrianPeterson are 4-0. A few more injuries & they could be Super Bowl contenders? #NYGvsMIN

#VinScully may have been a #Dodgers announcer but he knows his #SFGiants. Yesterday Vin said of @hunterpence “He would make coffee nervous.”

#JohnnyManziel has filed to extend the trademark on “Johnny Football.” Can you trademark an oxymoron?

Trump’s campaign so far is turning us all into a nation with temporary ADD…. No sooner do we start focusing on one unbelievable statement than he says something else and we forget how ludicrous the last one was.

So we can argue over whether or not either Trump or Clinton truly believe they have the U.S.’s best interests at heart. But pretty damn sure Julian Assange doesn’t.

#NobelPrize winners will be announced this week. Wonder which one Donald Trump expects to get?

A Bloomberg poll shows Trump trailing but +13 with whites. If true this election is not doing much for the theory of white supremacy.

Donald Trump, speaking to veterans today “When people come back from war and combat, and they see things that maybe a lot of the folks in this room have seen many times over, and you’re strong and you can handle it, but a lot of people can’t handle it.”
So strong people don’t get PTSD the same as only losers get captured? WTF?

Maybe @realDonaldTrump didn’t mean to imply that strong vets don’t get PTSD, but how do you know? ” This is the guy who said about John McCain  “I like people that weren’t captured”


Everyone should have the genius to lose a billion dollars in a year so they can avoid taxes for the next decades. #TrumpFinancialTips.

For better, for worse, or for trade-in?

May 19, 2016

It’s a strange world when the U.S. Presidential candidate who has been married three times and had countless affairs is attacking the marriage of the one who has been with the same spouse for 41 years.

Evil thought for the night, when is someone going to ask Trump if he’s been faithful to Melania?


Two people are recovering in Augusta, Kansas, after a shooting during a high school graduation.  The “shooter” had his gun in his sock, it apparently went off accidentally when he was adjusting the weapon because it was uncomfortable. ‪#‎ifonlythestudentswerearmed‬

Just think, had their offers been accepted ‪#‎SFGiants‬ could have both ‪#‎PabloSandoval‬ & ‪#‎ZackGreinke‬ on this year’s payroll.

After two complete games back to back for the SF Giants pitching staff, Jeff Samardzija goes 8 innings allowing only 1 earned run. Wimp.


#‎SFGiants‬ bullpen pitchers are a competitive group. So no doubt they are keeping focused – wonder who’s the current Angry Birds champion?

Two SF Giants, Lopez and Span, will be serving as baristas for an hour at two Peet’s coffee locations in San Francisco on June 7. Of course, this being the high-tech community no doubt some customers will only wonder “how fast can they serve coffee?

When the Braves fired manager Fredi Gonzalez, he found out about it mid-road trip, via an email saying he had a flight back to Atlanta the next day. Sounds like the team handled the firing about as well as they’ve handled everything else this season.

A new poll found that 90% of Native Americans aren’t offended by the Washington Redskins’ nickname. 90% of Washingtonians, however, are offended by the team’s sh*tty play.

‪#‎MorleySafer‬ 84, has died. Sad. He only lasted about 60 minutes after retirement.


Donald Trump will use lawyer A.B. Culvahouse Jr to vet his V.P. picks, the same lawyer who vetted options for John McCain in 2008. And that worked out so well….

Donald Trump, quick to condemn the Egypt Air crash as another terrorist attack. Seems likely. But “airplane departed from Paris. When will we get tough, smart and vigilant?”
So now Trump is going to tell these other countries he insults how to run their security?

A lawsuit claims that Facebook illegally scans private messages for marketing purposes. And this is news how? ‪#‎therearenoprivatemessages‬

The Oklahoma legislature has passed that would make performing an abortion, except to save the life of the mother, a felony.
Well, at least the way the Thunder played last night doesn’t look like sports fans will have to worry much longer about spending money in the state this spring.

Well, it’s good to see Marco Rubio back working hard in the Senate. The Florida Legislature wants a new statue, replacing one of a Confederate Army general, at the U.S. Capitol building. And Rubio tweeted out ““Here’s suggestion for ‪#‎Florida‬ which looking 4 help replacing state statue in U.S. Capitol.” With a picture of Tim Tebow. ‪#‎priorities‬

From T.C.  “Texas second baseman Rougned Odor was handed an eight game suspension for his part in the brawl vs the Blue Jays. This will give him enough time to sign an endorsement contract with Hawaiian Punch.

Not to be outdone, look for Jose Baustista to sign a contract with Odor Eaters.”

The pain, the pain

April 15, 2016

The ‪#‎Braves‬ have won! Finally. Last week ‪#‎Atlanta‬ had a couple weeks that went this badly, Sherman was involved.

After the NY Daily News printed a story that the Mets had sold most of the jerseys from the team’s first game in NY after 9/11, the team issued a statement “We admit that we made a mistake, and have instituted a new process with internal controls to prevent something like this from happening again in the future.”
So was the mistake profiting over the jerseys, or getting caught?

John Kasich, in response to a woman student at a town hall in St. Lawrence University in NY saying she saying she worries about harassment on campus said “I’d also give you one bit of advice, don’t go to parties where there is a lot of alcohol.”
Can’t imagine how the GOP gets the reputation of being clueless on women’s issues. ‪#‎andKasichissupposedtobethereasonableone‬


With all the attacks on Hillary over taking money from Wall Street for speeches, maybe it’s time for her to requote the line “If you can’t drink their whiskey, take their money, screw their women and still vote against him in the morning, you don’t belong in politics.”
Bill would certainly volunteer to help with the “women” part.


Starting for the 2017-18 season, the NBA announced that companies can buy a 2.5-by-2.5-inch advertising space on game-day jerseys. So that means by about 2020 those jerseys will resemble those worn by NASCAR.



The Minnesota Twins came back and beat the Angels tonight, following upon the Braves’ first win. So ten games into the season, nobody’s perfect.

AMC says they are scraping a plan to allow texting in theaters after saying they have heard “loud and clear” that it “is a concept our audience does not want.”
D’uh…. even people who text in theaters do not want other people texting in theaters.

Kim Davis’s lawyer is now apparently helping Kentucky leglislators draft a bill to restrict bathroom access for LGBTs. Hmm, presumably after the Kentucky Derby so everyone doesn’t boycott that too?

Sarah Palin says “Bill Nye is as much a scientist as I am.” Shocking! Palin acknowledges the concept of scientists?

Hillary Clinton last night in the debate “It’s easy to diagnose a problem. It’s harder to do something about a problem.” And many Americans on both sides of the aisle are thinking “No, just tell us you’ll fix it, don’t confuse us with facts.”


Jason Whitlock, not joining in the Kobe Bryant lovefest, said that Kobe’s narcissism and selfishness ruined the Lakers. Strikes me that he’s both right and wrong. In his prime, Bryant helped lead Los Angeles to five rings with that narcissism and selfishness. When his skills decreased and his demands, on and off the court, remained the same – well, yes, then, Kobe helped make sure the Lakers became, and stayed, a lousy basketball team.

T.C. on reports that Kim Jong Un now weighs over 300 pounds. “If this dictator thing doesn’t work out he can try out for the Boston Red Sox.”

What’s in an (insulting) name?

April 14, 2016

Lots of uproar over a Sanders supporter using the term ‪#‎Democraticwhores‬. Hillary fans are outraged. Meanwhile Bill is going “whores?  where?


Really? A Rockies fan was kicked out of Coors Field for throwing a home run ball (hit by the Giants Trevor Brown) back onto the field. Good thing they don’t have that silly rule at Dodger Stadium. Madbum is hitting (and pitching) tomorrow night.

Rough couple days for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ pitchers at Coors Field, giving up 21 runs in two days. But it could be worse, they could have given up all those runs interspersed with snow delays. (And yes, it is going to snow this weekend in Denver. Happy Spring.)

Lots of attention on the Warriors winning 73 games. And over in Oakland the As are thinking “With luck we can do that this year too.”

Meanwhile, in the NFL,  Oakland and SF may combine to honor Golden State: this year’s Raiders are likely to win 7 games, while the 49ers are likely to win 3.


So what’s going to happen next? The Golden State Warriors lose a game? Or the Minnesota Twins or Atlanta Braves win a game?


So with this the 9th Democratic debate  was there any point other than both sides hoping for a “gotcha” moment? ‪#‎sanders‬ ‪#‎clinton‬


American Airlines has complained that TSA lines meant 6,800 of their passengers missed flights in just one week from March 14-20. Of course American is not complaining about all the change fees they were able to charge those passengers.

Microsoft is suing the DOJ to prevent the government from going through users’ personal emails without notice. The company feels strongly that such an invasion of privacy should not be allowed, except by Microsoft and their advertisers.

Canada is looking into passing an assisted suicide bill for terminally ill patients, but will not allow “suicide tourism” for Americans. Especially presumably after the November elections.


In Wisconsin a high school teacher who has been charged with having sex with her 16-year old student allegedly slept with him the night of her husband’s bachelor party and sent him selfies from her honeymoon. Your move, Florida.

Al Sharpton, after Bill de Blasio and Hillary Clinton used a reference to “C.P” time in a skit – “Y’all got to leave all these jokes alone. Just, don’t even talk about race for a while.” Does it count as a joke to reference black pots and kettles?

All this commotion over the phrase “C.P. time” when used by NY Mayor DeBlasio, who is married to a black woman. Now, maybe in a P.C. age it wasn’t the best joke. But while we’re at it, I’ve heard in Hawaii and Jamaica and much of the Caribbean “Island time,” in Mexico “Mexican minutes,” from a lot of men “girl time” or “girl ready” and from someone married to a woman from Delhi “Indian Standard time.” So maybe we should all lighten up?

The Lakers apparently sold $1.2 million in Kobe Bryant merchandise yesterday. Although just think about how much the team might have made had they released Bryant a few years ago and built a team that could reach the playoffs.


From Alex Kaseberg   “In his last game, the Lakers’ Kobe Bryant scored 60 points to beat the Utah Jazz. Now, I don’t want to say Utah rigged the game for Kobe, but Custer played better defense against Sitting Bull.”

Records, records, who’s got records?

April 13, 2016

Congrats to the Warriors on 73 wins. Klay Thompson was asked yesterday if the team would celebrate with champagne “Absolutely not You’ve got to save that till June, man. I mean, you might have a glass of wine after the game, but that’s about it.”
And the rest of the teams in the Western Conference playoffs are thinking, “Are you kidding, a week-long all-night party would be more appropriate.”

Open note to ‪#‎Warriors‬ fans, the wave is for when team sucks & there’s nothing better to do. Or when you’re ‪#‎Dodgers‬ or ‪#‎As‬ fans ‪#‎stayclassy‬


Kobe Bryant, 20 years with the Lakers. Impressive. Tim Duncan, 19 years with the Spurs – impressive. More impressive, Duncan has structured his contract and play to help his team still be relevant. ‪#‎thequietfarewelltourkeepsontouring‬

Warriors set record for NBA regular season wins. Many casual sports fans thinking “The NBA HAS a regular season?” ‪#‎only2monthsuntilfinals‬

Lots of fanfare for Kobe Bryant’s last game tonight. Probably just as well Bryant doesn’t have an heir apparent on the Lakers – might be too much to expect Kobe to pass anything, let along a torch.


‪#‎JakePeavy‬ started off the Giants game like a man who doesn’t want ‪#‎SF‬ Bay Area fans to have to decide between watching the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ & ‪#‎Warriors‬

Boston #‎RedSox‬ placed ‪#‎PabloSandoval‬ on the ‪#‎DL‬ with a left shoulder sprain. Possibly caused by too much repetitive motion with a fork?

#‎Braves‬ & ‪#‎Twins‬ play interleague games in July. So one of those teams will actually have to win games this ‪#‎MLB‬ season.

Not a good April to be an Braves fan. The team is winless, and for those who say, “cheer up, it could be worse,” Atlanta outfielder Hector Olivera was arrested after a woman at the Ritz Carlton just outside D.C. called 911 to say he had assaulted her. Yeah, it just got worse.

The Sacramento Kings will apparently fire George Karl as the 33-48 team will miss the playoffs again. Their next coach will be their 10th since 2006-07. Somewhere even George Steinbrenner is thinking “Jeez, show a little patience.”


AMC’s CEO said he is considering allow patrons to text during movies. Well, this should help speed up the process of getting EVERYONE to watch movies at home instead of in theaters.

Harvard’s oldest exclusive club, The Porcellian, which is all-male, said in a statement to the Crimson (student newspaper):
“Forcing single gender organizations to accept members of the opposite sex could potentially increase, not decrease the potential for sexual misconduct.”
‪#‎Speechless‬ But proving once again, IQ points are no guarantee against ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬

Volvo has promised “death-proof” cars by 2020. So who needs a hospital when you’re sick – drive around in a Volvo and live forever?

Apparently the original Santana band is reuniting for the first time since 1973. So after 43 years they’ve either decided to let bygones be bygones…or they can’t remember why they broke up in the first place?

Ivanka Trump, blaming her inability to vote for her father on the state – “New York has one of the most onerous rules in terms of registration, and it required us to register a long time ago, almost — close to a year ago….(uh, actually you have to declare a party six months in advance.) Looks like the apple doesn’t whine far from the tree.

Many states’ voting rules seem designed to keep poor and uneducated people from voting. Kudos to New York for bucking the trend by apparently making it harder for rich and lazy people. ‪#‎Trumps‬


Congrats to Lynn Swann for getting the USC AD job. So what exactly are Swann’s qualifications though – he was a star Trojan football player and he hasn’t been arrested?

“Affluenza” teen Ethan Couch has been tentatively sentenced to a two-year jail term, although the judge gave Couch’s defense two weeks to make an argument for him to reconsider. Reconsider? As in maybe give him at least four years?-

Fight the bleep on?

August 23, 2015

Apparently at Saturday night’s “Salute to Troy” event for USC alums and donors, football coach Steve Sarkisian was drunk, and used “inappropriate” language, including dropping the F-bomb saying of other Pac-12 teams – “they all suck.”

Sarkisan has apologized, but presume he’s also been offered honorary membership in most of USC’s frats.

From the apology  “Pat Haden  (USC athletic director)  talked to me after the event about my actions and I assured him this will not happen again.”   Probably more like Haden saying  “this WILL not happen again.”

The latest high-profile Ashley Madison client to be outed is Jeff Ashton, the Florida state attorney who prosecuted Carey Anthony. Ashton claims he was just “curious” and never went through with an affair. His biography mentions three children, a wife, and “four adult children from previous marriages. (plural.)

So this is the kind of traditional marriage some are trying so hard to protect?

While relief pitchers are sometimes referred to as “firemen,” the ‪#‎Dodgers‬ relievers are making a strong push to be collectively known as “arsonists.”

In Ohio a new bill would ban abortions done because pre-natal tests show Down syndrome. And of course the bill would provide life time healthcare benefits to babies born with Down syndrome… Oops. Never mind. ‪#‎notthatprolife‬

The Atlanta Braves are leaving Turner Field in 2017. Braves fans are hoping they leave the current team behind too.

Amazing how the New England Patriots never had a problem with Roger Goodell’s discipline before this year. I’m sure it’s just coincidence.

Sure looked like Terrell Suggs was trying to re-injure Sam Bradford’s knee last night. So the Ravens LB already seems to be in mid-season form. ‪#‎dirty‬

The National Zoo says Chinese panda Mei Xiang has had twins. How long until Donald Trump refers to them as “anchor cubs?”

Donald Trump, a little light on specifics on how he’s going to manage to deport millions of immigrants. “It’s called management.”
Sure, because if there’s one thing that unites working people in this country it’s such a strong respect for “management.” ‪#‎SMH‬

Carly Fiorina, on Meet the Press “The only people who ask me about Donald Trump are the media. I think the media’s kind of obsessed with Donald Trump honestly, and I think Donald Trump is using the media.”

With all due respect, is anybody but the media asking Fiorina anything?

Shirtless men and women marched in Manhattan Sunday in the “GoTopless Pride Parade” to protest potential regulations against tip-seeking women in Times Square. Clearly they feel they should have more than the right to bare arms.

What’s in a name?

October 9, 2013

Washington owner  Dan Snyder about the Redskins name “It isn’t just where we came from — it’s who we are.” “Who we are?” Well, guess “Sucky Football Team” doesn’t fit on a jersey.

In the SF Bay Area, BART unions are apparently ready to strike for a second time. Apparently trying to see if it’s possible to get even more unpopular than Congress.

This might be a more controversial post than the shutdown lines, but here goes:

When interviewed for local radio and asked for his NLDS prediction, Chipper Jones had predicted LA would beat Atlanta in 4 games.  So the entire Braves team boycotted his throwing out the ceremonial first pitch for game 1, and Chipper had to throw to the mascot. Sounds like Atlanta is just as classy as their fans’ Tomahawk Chop.

Back to the shutdown:

The House would need 217 votes to pass a CR (clean resolution) to end the government shutdown. Apparently as of today there are 219 “yes” votes. Math, another of those commie pinko liberal concepts.

Yahoo just changed their mail interface without any warning at all. Just who does Marissa Mayer think she is, the CEO of Facebook?

Congress’s approval rating is now at 5%. Wow. There are actually 5% of Americans who think they are doing a good job?

Who says Congress isn’t suffering along with the rest of the country? Sen. Ted Cruz told People magazine that his wife and two daughters couldn’t visit the National Zoo and museums last weekend. So they went apple-picking and visited Mount Vernon. Ah that American resilience during tough times….

12 people were stuck nearly 3 hours tonight at Universal Studios Orlando on a roller coaster that broke down. As opposed to the millions of people that are still stuck for days across the country with the roller coaster of the government shutdown..

Chris Christie has said he is against the GOP shutdown tactics. Makes sense, because since he thinks he’ll be elected President in 2016 he doesn’t want the Dems to try the same B.S. on him.

Cowboys defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin said that people should blame him, not Tony Romo, for the team’s loss to the Broncos. USC fans are shocked – a Kiffin taking responsibility for anything?

Travel agent face palm moment of the day, clients ask for several very deluxe rooms in a particular tropical resort area in late December. Warn them that this could be difficult because most such places sell out far in advance for Christmas. The response “That’s okay, we don’t celebrate Christmas…”

Washington coach Steve Sarkasian claimed that Stanford faked injuries to slow down the Huskies’ offense in last week’s game. Except that the two players who briefly left the game were Ben Gardner and Shayne Skov,  star seniors who are probable NFL draft choices. So if Cardinal coach David Shaw were to fake injuries, Sarkasian doesn’t think he’s smart enough to fake them with marginal players?

From Jim Barach  “Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has opened up about her struggle with anorexia in high school. Fans of the show were shocked. Snooki went to high school?

MLB Shutdowns…

October 3, 2013

It’s getting to be a sign of October. Falling temperatures, falling leaves, falling Braves….

Maybe the baseball gods are just really tired of the Tomahawk Chop?

Only people sadder than Braves and Pirates fans Thursday night were probably network executives who saw ratings crash.  In the St. Louis – Pittsburgh game probably as soon as the Cardinals put up a touchdown in the 3rd inning.

In tonight’s NFL game, the starting quarterbacks for both the Bills and the Browns were both injured and knocked out of the game. Is this God’s way of saying he REALLY misses Tebow?

Roger Goodell sent an email to millions of fans in the NFL database saying the league is  “committed “to deliver the game that the fans love and the safety that players deserve.”  Was he inspired by Bud Selig’s saying the steroid era is over.

From TC  “Sundays Raiders game has been pushed back to 8:30pm due to the A’s playoff game on Saturday. Supposedly it takes over 24 hours to remove the sewage from the baseball game and replace it with fresh sewage for football.”

Kobe Bryant apparently has left the country for an “undisclosed medical procedure.” Presumably Vanessa sent him somewhere they don’t have room service?

Indiana GOP Rep. Marlin Stutzman on the shutdown objective: “We’re not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this. And I don’t know what that even is.” Gosh. With that kind of mature attitude maybe Obama just needs to offer them all a new blankee.

Fox News is referring to the government shutdown as a “slimdown.” What’s next, praising Speaker Boehner for helping our country with waist management?

Furloughed FEMA employees are being recalled due to storm forecasts in Louisiana. And Gov. Bobby Jindal declared a state of emergency. Uh, wait a minute, the Congressman for the New Orleans area is a Democrat, but the rest of the Louisiana’s House members are Republicans. Shouldn’t the feds honor their wishes for their districts and observe the shutdown?

President Obama has challenged the Speaker of the House simply to vote on the Senate-approved spending plan which could end the shutdown. Waiting for Boehner to respond something like “voting is unAmerican.”

Ah, Florida. A 19 year old lesbian from Vero Beach has accepted a plea for four months in jail and two years of house arrest. She had sex when she was 18 with a 14-year-old girl who was a high school classmates. The young woman would have probably faced a lesser penalty had she been straight and accidentally shot her friend.

Silver lining in Boston and Atlanta.

September 29, 2011

But first, want to wish all my Jewish friends “Happy New Year.” And want to wish my Red Sox and Braves fan friends “Happy Next Year.”

Back to the silver lining – fans don’t have to stress about the Red Sox and Braves stumbling in the postseason again.

And in Boston, at least the Patriots can rest easy. Their blowing a 21-0 lead in the fourth quarter last Sunday will now never be the most talked about sports collapse in town.

Forget Eva, in Tampa Wednesday night heterosexual men would kiss EVAN Longoria

Karma, especially where the big bucks are concerned, can be an impressive bitch. To that end, wonder if Carl Crawford is thinking “Maybe I should have considered that offer to stay with the Rays?”

An Atlanta player who was queried about the Braves’ September collapse (9-19 and five losses in a row to end the season), mentioned their strong start, and said he wished the team could have just “flip-flopped the months.” Uh, I know a math degree is not required to play baseball, but if Atlanta did “flip-flop the months”, they’d have still ended up one game short.

The Braves lost five in a row to end the season. Was this the worst week in Atlanta history not involving Sherman?

After a momumental choke job by the Braves, the St. Louis Cardinals won the NL wild card. For SF fans, who now know that even a mediocre performance in August, or a good performance in September would have put the Giants into the playoffs, it just confirms “of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, it might have been.”

Sarah Palin referred to Herman Cain as “the flavor of the week.” Then she referred to him as “Herb Cain.” What’s next, she’s going to claim he’s really a San Franciscan?

Jose Reyes got a bunt hit in his first at-bat at Citi Field to raise his average to .337, and was promptly pulled by Mets manager Terry Collins (apparently at Reyes’ own request) to preserve his lead for the batting crown. Ted Williams must be spinning in his freezer.

But really, a bunt hit in a meaningless game against the Reds, and then taking the afternoon off? Shouldn’t this year’s highest batting average also have an asterisk?

Redemption for hopeless optimists. Think of the tens of thousands of Rays fans who walked out of Tropicana Field tonight in disgust when their team was down 7-0.

A seven run comeback starting in the eighth? Angry Red Sox fans want John Sayles to consider making a second movie about the Yankees collapse tonight – titled “Eight relief pitchers out.”

Florida owner Jeffrey Loria introduced new manager Ozzie Guillen today and saying “Welcome to a new era in Marlins baseball.” Actually, since it’s Ozzie, wouldn’t it have been more appropriate if Loria said “Welcome to a new #%$!#ing era in Marlins baseball?”

ESPN was nonstop coverage Wednesday of the Boston collapse and Tampa Bay win over New York. Almost no mention of the dramatic finish for the NL Wild Card. Gosh, you’d almost think there were no other teams in baseball except the Red Sox and Yankees.

Michael Vick says it is “100 percent” that he’ll play this weekend against the SF 49ers. Well, at this point guess Vick doesn’t want to be accused of dogging it.

David Stern is now threatening to cancel the whole NBA regular season. Promise? (And really, does that mean all the teams can just start by being in the playoffs? Most of them get in now anyway.)

Florida now plans to move their presidential primary on January 31, 2012, which is upsetting GOP party leaders as it will wreak havok with their nominating calendar. Well, at least it’s a nice change to see Florida causing trouble for Republicans.

D-Red-ful Sox?

September 27, 2011

First announced promotions of 2012 for MLB. The Boston Red Sox and Atlanta Braves plan to offer their fans free lessons in the Heimlich maneuver.

Another possible giveaway deal next year at Fenway Park. Free Red Sox neckties to the first 20,000 adults. Pre-shrunk.

How bad is the Red Sox collapse looking? Even Babe Ruth is watching from somewhere thinking “Dudes, don’t put this mess on me.”

And for all those people thinking that extra wild cards would make the game more interesting, think about this. If MLB had two wild cards in each league, the Red Sox and Braves could have it on cruise control. (Of course, they have have done that regardless.)

Rex Grossman’s fumble with 28 seconds left sealed the Redskins loss 18-16 Monday night against the Cowboys. On the other hand, for the first time in months, he did give Washingtonians a serious bipartisan target.

My friend Lindol pointed out that the Winklevoss twins now have a gig as spokesmen for pistachios. Is this really wise? Does the pistachio industry really want to reinforce their image as expensive and overvalued nuts?

Ozzie Guillen announced that tonight was his last game managing the White Sox. Not sure how the team took it, but Chicago beat writers who are always in search of good quotes are said to be inconsolable.

Marlins manager Jack McKeon, 80, says he will retire again after the end of the season. He did say that maybe he will come back in a few years, to go after Connie Mack’s record of managing at the age of 87. McKeon especially hopes he has another chance to manage that “nice young man, Jamie Moyer.”

Meanwhile, the Marlins are finally playing their last games in Sun Life stadium. Wednesday will be Fan Appreciation day.And the team will apparently have nice prizes for both of them.

Sesame Street is planning to include science lessons in their upcoming season. Or as Rick Perry would call that “more liberal theories.”

Tea Party Nation founder Judson Phillips has endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. Guess he figures who better to defend marriage than someone who’s had three of them.

The power of incumbency. No one knows for sure if President Obama will be re-elected. But stranger things have happened. Today SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy announced the team planned to re-sign their hitting coach.

Magazine subscription offer from Vanity Fair (no joke) $12 for 12 issues. Plus $3 shipping. Really.

Uh, isn’t the point of a subcription getting magazines mailed to you? Wonder what would happen if you offered to come pick each issue up?

C.C. Sabathia is 19-8, with an ERA of 3.00. The SF Giants have three starters with lower ERA’s, and none with more than 13 wins. Lincecum, 2.74, 13-14, Vogelsong, 2.81, 13-7, and Cain, 2.88, and 12-11.

So yes, good pitching may beat good hitting. But good pitching is wasted with zero hitting.

The Senate just reached a bipartisan agreement to end a dispute over disaster relief spending. Translation, sounds like they figured out that despite the best efforts of some to interpret God’s will, natural disasters this year have happened in both red and blue states.