Posted tagged ‘Ashley madison jokes’

Let’s stay together.

August 31, 2015

I think I’ve got another GOP talking point down: Any Democrat who stays with a cheating husband – like Weiner or Clinton, is involved in a sham marriage for political purposes. Any Republican who stays in such a marriage is just espousing traditional family values.

If Ohio politicians, including John Boehner, are that upset about President Obama’s renaming of Denali, why don’t they just name the tallest mountain in Ohio after McKinley?

Or failing that, a roller coaster at Cedar Point?

Donald Trump again has called Anthony Weiner a ‘perv sleazebag’ And who better to know what the term means than a man who has cheated on at least two wives with a succession of increasingly younger women.

Best airport announcement of the year? From a friend who is flying Southwest via Hobby Airport and waiting for her flight. “Joe Smith, You are in Houston not Dallas. Please get back on the plane.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Two Southwest Airlines planes clipped wings on the tarmac at Oakland International Airport. Minor damage. No injuries. But Happy Hour for pilots has been canceled. ‪#‎wannagetaway‬

Ashley Madison says that despite their recent massive hack their number is users is still growing. Maybe they should rename the site “Death Wish.”

Everett Golson, who transferred from Notre Dame this spring, has now been named the Seminole’s starting quarterback over Sean Maguire. There’s still hope for Maguire to get the job back, although with FSU he can’t expect that Golson would get another suspension for academic reasons

So a lot of media outlets who won’t show Miley Cyrus’s nipple flash last night at the VMAs had no problem showing the murder of two journalists on air. ‪#‎whatacountry‬ ‪#‎priorities

Jean Machi got a save for the Red Sox tonight in a 4-3 win over the Yankees. He walked in a run, and left the bases loaded after Gregorius hit a fly ball to the warning trackl in the bottom of the 9th. So Machi may not bring Boston to the playoffs, but he has brought over some good old-fashioned SF Giants torture.

Ted Cruz is now blaming Obama for the murder of a sheriff’s deputy in Texas. As he’s blamed Obama for the Baltimore riots, encouraging radical Islam, not stopping the shooting at the Muhammad cartoon etc, the 2008 financial crisis, etc.

Maybe it would be quicker for Senator Cruz to come up with a list of things he doesn’t think are the President’s fault?

Obama apparently will appear on a special episode of the NBC outdoor adventure show Running Wild with Bear Grylls, The President figures drinking his own urine and eating ants has to be more fun than trying to work with Congress.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who has slashed social services in the state, says that his plan to plan to invest $250 million in taxpayer dollars in a new basketball arena for the Milwaukee Bucks is “fiscally responsible.”
Maybe Walker has a plan to rent out the arena after the end of the regular season, since the Bucks never use it then.

The U.S. Supreme Court today ruled against Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who won’t issue same-sex marriage licenses. Wonder if the fact that Clark has allegedly been married four times herself had anything to do with it.

Fight the bleep on?

August 23, 2015

Apparently at Saturday night’s “Salute to Troy” event for USC alums and donors, football coach Steve Sarkisian was drunk, and used “inappropriate” language, including dropping the F-bomb saying of other Pac-12 teams – “they all suck.”

Sarkisan has apologized, but presume he’s also been offered honorary membership in most of USC’s frats.

From the apology  “Pat Haden  (USC athletic director)  talked to me after the event about my actions and I assured him this will not happen again.”   Probably more like Haden saying  “this WILL not happen again.”

The latest high-profile Ashley Madison client to be outed is Jeff Ashton, the Florida state attorney who prosecuted Carey Anthony. Ashton claims he was just “curious” and never went through with an affair. His biography mentions three children, a wife, and “four adult children from previous marriages. (plural.)

So this is the kind of traditional marriage some are trying so hard to protect?

While relief pitchers are sometimes referred to as “firemen,” the ‪#‎Dodgers‬ relievers are making a strong push to be collectively known as “arsonists.”

In Ohio a new bill would ban abortions done because pre-natal tests show Down syndrome. And of course the bill would provide life time healthcare benefits to babies born with Down syndrome… Oops. Never mind. ‪#‎notthatprolife‬

The Atlanta Braves are leaving Turner Field in 2017. Braves fans are hoping they leave the current team behind too.

Amazing how the New England Patriots never had a problem with Roger Goodell’s discipline before this year. I’m sure it’s just coincidence.

Sure looked like Terrell Suggs was trying to re-injure Sam Bradford’s knee last night. So the Ravens LB already seems to be in mid-season form. ‪#‎dirty‬

The National Zoo says Chinese panda Mei Xiang has had twins. How long until Donald Trump refers to them as “anchor cubs?”

Donald Trump, a little light on specifics on how he’s going to manage to deport millions of immigrants. “It’s called management.”
Sure, because if there’s one thing that unites working people in this country it’s such a strong respect for “management.” ‪#‎SMH‬

Carly Fiorina, on Meet the Press “The only people who ask me about Donald Trump are the media. I think the media’s kind of obsessed with Donald Trump honestly, and I think Donald Trump is using the media.”

With all due respect, is anybody but the media asking Fiorina anything?

Shirtless men and women marched in Manhattan Sunday in the “GoTopless Pride Parade” to protest potential regulations against tip-seeking women in Times Square. Clearly they feel they should have more than the right to bare arms.

No trophies wanted for this participation.

August 21, 2015

And the first nomination for the best creative excuse for an Ashley Madison account goes to Jason Dore, who is the GOP Executive Director in Louisiana.  He told a New Orleans paper he created this account to do “opposition research.”

“#‎Madbum‬ to ‪#‎MarlonByrd‬. “Welcome to San Francisco, just don’t get any ideas about being the #1 power hitter in the clubhouse ‪#‎SFGiants‬

The oldest ever message in a bottle, tossed into the water in the early 1900s, has finally washed up on a German Island. Along with the message the bottle contained a Jamie Moyer rookie card.

Chase Utley, Starlin Castro, Yadier Molina.. three of a long list of MLB players this year who have fewer home runs than Madison Bumgarner. (‪#‎Madbum‬ tonight hit his 5th.)

So for all the expensive contracts the LA Dodgers picked up in trade this season, apparently one they missed for was for a guy making the $512.500 MLB minimum – Mike Fiers. ‪#‎nohitter‬

Megan Fox has filed for divorce. Women think – “that’s sad.” Men think – “she’s available!”

Increasing controversy over the topless painted women in Times Square. Not sure what will happen in the long term. But short term… guessing a lot more visitors to Times Square.

North Korea says “We’re in a ‘quasi-state of war’ .” Makes sense, North Korea is kind of a “quasi-state.”

Oops, Netflix announced that workers were going to get up to a year of paid maternity-paternity leave. Now it comes out that the 450 employees in their DVD division are excluded. Shocking. Netflix still HAS a DVD division?!

And airlines wonder why we don’t trust them. A 11ami flight from SF to Honolulu is over an hour late today because of a “late arriving aircraft.” Fair enough. Except that late flight, from Chicago, was DUE to arrive at SFO at 1134am.

United couldn’t just say, “we swapped planes because something broke or we needed a plane elsewhere?” Nah, that would be too straightforward.

Former USC QB Ricky Town, who has chosen to transfer to Arkansas, told ESPN he left in part because of the Trojans’ “offensive system.” Probably more precisely because he wasn’t a part of it.

Bill Littlejohn, regarding Bengals DB Pacman Jones saying he’d have $100 million if not for suspensions: “He’d have $200 million if not for strip clubs.”

Shotgun divorces?

August 20, 2015

Three of the top 20 cities in the world with the most Ashley Madison accounts are in Texas, (Houston, San Antonio and Dallas.) Well, this could get interesting. As most of their spouses are likely to be armed.

Investigators are recommending filing manslaughter charges against Caitlyn Jenner for that fatal car crash in February. Her defense no doubt – “I’m a changed person now.”

The Pentagon is looking for sites in U.S. to place Gitmo detainees. I guess Florida would be cruel and unusual punishment?

Jimmy Carter announced he will undergo radiation treatment after cancer spots were found on his brain, but he is optimistic will extend his life. Carter didn’t have the option some other politicians do, which is to tell doctors to remove their brain because they aren’t using it.

Apparently tens of thousands of Ashley Madison accounts are .gov addresses. Who knew so many government workers were capable of multitasking?

Josh Duggar: “I have been the biggest hypocrite ever. While espousing faith and family values, I have secretly over the last several years been viewing pornography on the internet and this became a secret addiction and I became unfaithful to my wife.”

A hypocrite yes. Biggest ever? Once again Josh is guilty of extreme narcissism. ‪#‎hesgotsomecompetitioninWashington‬

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Josh Duggar posted an open apology online and then edited it to take out mention of a porn addiction and his apology for molesting girls as a teenager. Guess Josh REALLY hasn’t learned yet, what’s on the internet stays FOREVER on the internet.

A federal appeals court ruled that former Virginia governor Bob McDonnell must report to prison while he asks the U.S. Supreme Court to reverse his convictions. And McDonnell is thinking “Damn, I should have run for office in Louisiana.”

As Jared Fogle awaits sentencing for his child porn plea bargain he been banned from computers with internet, must stay away from children, and is not allowed to own a gun. Waiting for the NRA to protest over that last one.

Aaron Hernandez has been involved in another prison fight. Forget whether the former Patriots star will ever get out of jail or not, the bus to hell question of the night is, “so would he be a good pick for a 2016 death lotto?”

New Red Sox GM “Dave Dombrowski – “I’m not here to blow up the operation.” And Boston fans are thinking “Hasn’t the current team accomplished that already?”

RGIII looked overwhelmed today and ended up with a concussion. But sports and politics often have a lot in common – as in do we really expect any better from any much touted young man who goes to Washington?.

What’s in a name?

August 19, 2015

My best startup idea of the month. (If only I could code) : A company that can fabricate “proof’ of identify theft that resulted in a hacker signing up under your name at Ashley Madison.

So the first big name in the Ashley Madison breach is….. Josh Duggar?!   Karma is not only a mean bitch, she apparently really doesn’t like hypocrites.

Mike Huckabee, May 22, “No one needs to defend Josh’s actions as a teenager, but the fact that he confessed his sins to those he harmed, sought help, and has gone forward to live a responsible and circumspect life as an adult is testament to his family’s authenticity and humility.”
Any fellow bus-to-hell riders looking forward to Huckabee’s next statement on the Duggars?

In Oklahoma, a member of a self-appointed group of men  guarding a “Muslim-free” gun shop and range accidentally shot himself  in the arm Tuesday.  Once again Darwin is thinking “missed it by THAT much.”

As the Dodgers’ payroll continues to sky rocket this season, have to wonder, does ownership have enough money in reserve to give all the players participation trophies?

Regarding the ‪#‎Dodgers‬‘ acquisition of ‪#‎ChaseUtley‬? Are they hoping he can help out their bullpen?
And with Utley, who has a $15 million contract, the Dodgers will pay about $2 million just to rent him for six weeks.. Even the Yankees are thinking “Jeez, show a little financial restraint.”

In Florida, authorities say a large sinkhole that swallowed a man in 2013 has reopened. Can we send George Zimmerman to investigate?

A Massachusetts employee of Wild Oaks Markets, a smaller Whole Foods competitor, is charged with calling in a fake bomb threat so she could leave work early. A bomb threat?! Was that really necessary? At these places she might have been able to close down the store by alleging something like an excess of gluten.

New York City mayor Bill De Blasio says that topless Times Square performers need to go. Some of the mayor’s opponents will no doubt say it’s because De Blasio doesn’t want any competition as the biggest boob in New York.

Finally, actual practical advice instead of a joke: Took me too long to learn this, but when you get a really stupid airline, hotel, or other customer service representative on the phone, better not to argue with them, simply say “sorry, I have to take this other call” and hang up.

In the “cheer up, it could be worse” department; a few months ago executives at Subway figured their worst problem was declining sales because of decreased customer satisfaction with their food.

Police were called to a Niagara Falls hotel yesterday morning when a baby ended up locked in the hotel safe. The baby was freed and was “alert and crying.” Maybe that’s the last time the family takes advantage of a discounted babysitting offer?

From Gary M.  after I made fun of worries about Madison Bumgarner getting hurt pinch hitting “As long as he doesn’t wash Jeff Kent’s truck, he should be OK.”

Beyond borders.

August 18, 2015

So Donald Trump’s latest complaint is about H-1B visas, which he claims result in foreigners taking jobs away from minorities and women. Kind of a ballsy statement from someone who couldn’t find someone American-born for two of his three marriages.

Yes, Donald Trump seems to be doing well But not a single GOP primary vote has been cast. So all of this circus is basically based on a relatively small number of people who don’t feel like hanging up on pollsters?

The SF 49ers will lower beer prices from $10.25 to $10 this year, largely to save the time required for workers to dispense change in quarters. And then no doubt next year they will raise the price to at least $12.

The FDA has approved the world’s first pill to boost women’s libido. Is it covered in diamonds?

Apparently hackers have posted stolen data from ‪#‎AshleyMadison‬. Wonder what the objective of their plan was? ‪#‎nodivorcelawyerleftbehind‬?

So with the release of the Ashley Madison data, is it too soon to start a pool on the over-under of politicians who may suddenly resign to spend time with their families?

SF Giants have a number of pitchers on the DL, plus starting CF Pagan, LF Aoki, and 2nd baseman Panik. Now Hunter Pence is going on the DL for a strained oblique.

The team recently did a promo spoofing Full House. Maybe the House they should have been referencing was Gregory.

#‎Madbum‬ for ‪#‎SFGIants‬ DH. That is all.

(he pinch hit in the 7th, got a single, scored the Giants 2nd run in a 2-0 games.  After apparently blowing the opposing pitcher’s mind.)

Give me a break, commentators talking about the injury risk Bruce Bochy shouldn’t have taken by letting Madison Bumgarner pinch hit. Uh, as we have seen, pitchers get hurt throwing, fielding, falling down steps, falling out of bed, getting sandwiches, etc….

49ers wide receiver Jerome Simpson’s has now been suspended six game for violating the league’s substance abuse policy, his third suspension since 2012. It’s all part of the NFL’s “10 strikes and you’re out policy.”

Tom Brady will attend a second hearing on his suspension. If he can’t get the number of games reduced the Patriots QB is at least hoping for a better sketch?

Oops, now Brady will not attended the hearings in New York after talks stalled between him and the NFL. Both sides are reportedly feeling a bit deflated.

George Zimmerman is selling $50 prints of a Confederate flag painting he did at ‘Muslim free’ gun store in Florida. Where’s a hunting dentist when you really need one?

The mayor of Venice, Italy, ban children’s books featuring gay couples from local schools, sparking a social media war with Elton John, who called him “boorishly bigoted. The mayor has retweeted messages from supporters attacking Elton, like “we’re protecting our children from people like you.”

Well, I sure hope these protective parents make sure their kids NEVER see the “Lion King.”

Tax dollars at work.

July 22, 2015

In April, a federal appeals court overturned Barry Bonds’ obstruction of justice conviction. Today, ending an almost 10 year battle, the U.S. Department of Justice announced they will not ask for a review with the U.S. Supreme Court and are ending the case.

What? Reluctance to spend more taxpayer dollars on this vital issue? ‪#‎IblameObama‬

As we await the potential release of client names from Ashley Madison is it wrong to wonder how many of these spouses met on Christianmingle.com?

Mississippi State suspended CB Justin Cox for the last three games in 2014 after he was arrested for alleged aggravated domestic violence and burglary. The charges were dropped, and Cox signed with the KC Chiefs.

Yesterday he was arrested again on charges of burglary of a residence, aggravated domestic assault and trespassing. ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬

Now that Becky Hammon has coached the Spurs to an Summer League Championship, wonder if some NBA team might make an offer to a proven winner like Tara Vanderveer. ‪#‎GoStanford‬

But hey, it was summer league…. what does that show?   Well, in 2013 Jason Kidd had his first head coaching gig in Las Vegas and his Nets made the playoffs.  Then last year another guy made his coaching debut … name of Steve Kerr.   Turned out to be ok.

Today at a campaign event Donald Trump attacked Lindsey Graham and then gave out the Graham’s personal cell phone number. Not sure if Trump really wants to be President, but he’s doing well in his question to become the Republican party’s most hated person not named Clinton.

Roger Goodell says there is no timeline on Tom Brady’s suspension appeal, and that they are “being very thorough.” Does the NFL commission have one of Bud Selig’s “Blue Ribbon” committees working on it?

 

The SF Giants’ Tim Lincecum has been diagnosed with a degenerative hip condition. No doubt after he got the diagnosis Timmy had one question – “Medical marijuana?”

 

For anyone watching the SF Giants game,  Padres pitcher Dale Thayer threw that gum better than he threw that bases-loaded pitch to Hector Sanchez.

Giants catcher Hector Sanchez, just recalled from AAA, hit a grand slam for the SFGiants.  Just guessing  that that he was really really tired of playing in Sacramento. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

A Florida gun shop owner has declared his store a “Muslim-free zone” after the latest mass murders in Tennessee, to ensure “the safety of his fellow patriots” And he announced the decision in front of a Confederate flag. So I guess he would have had no problem selling a gun to the Charleston killer?

Would love to see what would happen if a very large African American man with a lot of tattoos walked into his store looking to buy guns. Especially if one of those tattoos was of a bible verse.

 

Girls, girls, girls…..

July 21, 2015

The San Antonio Spurs, coached by Becky Hammon, just won the NBA Summer League. So, apparently real men don’t have a problem with sexual orientation in the locker room. ‪#‎yougogirl‬

Ashley Madison, the “dating” site for married people, has apparently been hacked and the hackers are threatening to post information on millions of users on line. Who knows, the U.S. political scene could be about to get a lot crazier.

With the Ashley Madison hacking story making headlines, I see a new business model for some enterprising person – A company that will create a credible online to make it seem as if your identity was stolen. “Honest, honey, I have no idea how they got my name and credit card, clearly our personal information has been compromised.”

Anyone who misses watching baseball games at Candlestick Park must have loved watching the final round of the ‪#‎BritishOpen‬.

 

Curt Schilling tweeted outrage that President Barack Obama failed to issue a proclamation to lower flags around government buildings to half-staff for the Chattanooga victims despite doing so for pop singer Whitney Houston.

Except that Obama didn’t do that. The only government official who ordered flags lowered for the pop star was NJ Gov. Chris Christie.

A gay British man who voluntarily donates sperm says he has fathered 10 children with nine different women in just the last year. So the guy is either really altruistic, or he has delusions of being an NBA player.

The Denver Nuggets have traded Ty Lawson to the Houston Rockets. Hoping it works out, but is it really a great idea to send a guy with 2 DUI’s in a year to a place with Texas’s very relaxed gun laws?

A profile of Karen Hinton, who is New York Mayor DeBlasio’s press secretary, brings up a story from a 1999 book of how in 1984, when she was 24, then Arkansas governor Bill Clinton gave her a napkin with his room number on it. Shocking. Wouldn’t it be more of a story if Clinton in those days was talking to a pretty young blond woman and didn’t give her his room number?

ACC commissioner John Swofford says the conference is “not trying to be Big Brother” in dealing with off-field issues like those at Florida State.

“Our approach $o far, and I don’t really $ee this changing, is that we have a lot of confidence in our in$titution$ to handle those $ituation$ when they occur.”

In Iowa, a former lottery security official was found guilty  of rigging a game so he could win a $14 million jackpot, and then trying to get someone to cash the prize for him. Hmm, anyone but me worried less about him than about the ones who aren’t stupid enough to get caught?

Palo Alto, California, has been sweltering with temperatures in the mid 80s and 61% humidity. Thereby bringing ZERO sympathy from anyone in the Midwest, South and East.

Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert, probably THE reigning royal couple of country music, are getting divorced. No word who gets custody of the material for song lyrics.

Between Blake and Miranda though, Taylor Swift might have some competition for “Best breakup song of the year.”

 

Just in 2014, the NFL gave each teams each $226.4 million as part of national revenue sharing. But all the the league could afford was a $765 million settlement over concussion-related brain injuries for all its 18,000 retired players. I wish this were a joke.