Posted tagged ‘Vikings jokes’

Moving out

October 3, 2016

The Atlanta Braves played their last game at Turner Field yesterday. Next year they will have a beautiful new stadium in the suburbs for fans not to show up to.

The home-plate umpire for Wednesdays Giants-Mets wild-card game is Mike Winters. SF fans might remember Winters as the ump who ejected Bruce Bochy in consecutive games last season.
East Coast bias conspiracy theories in 3….2…1…..

SF 49ers announced today that LB NaVorro Bowman injured his Achilles and will be out for the season. Is it too soon to be thinking about that #1 draft pick?

 

So @Vikings who’ve lost #TeddyBridgewater & #AdrianPeterson are 4-0. A few more injuries & they could be Super Bowl contenders? #NYGvsMIN

#VinScully may have been a #Dodgers announcer but he knows his #SFGiants. Yesterday Vin said of @hunterpence “He would make coffee nervous.”

#JohnnyManziel has filed to extend the trademark on “Johnny Football.” Can you trademark an oxymoron?

Trump’s campaign so far is turning us all into a nation with temporary ADD…. No sooner do we start focusing on one unbelievable statement than he says something else and we forget how ludicrous the last one was.

So we can argue over whether or not either Trump or Clinton truly believe they have the U.S.’s best interests at heart. But pretty damn sure Julian Assange doesn’t.

#NobelPrize winners will be announced this week. Wonder which one Donald Trump expects to get?

A Bloomberg poll shows Trump trailing but +13 with whites. If true this election is not doing much for the theory of white supremacy.

Donald Trump, speaking to veterans today “When people come back from war and combat, and they see things that maybe a lot of the folks in this room have seen many times over, and you’re strong and you can handle it, but a lot of people can’t handle it.”
So strong people don’t get PTSD the same as only losers get captured? WTF?

Maybe @realDonaldTrump didn’t mean to imply that strong vets don’t get PTSD, but how do you know? ” This is the guy who said about John McCain  “I like people that weren’t captured”

 

Everyone should have the genius to lose a billion dollars in a year so they can avoid taxes for the next decades. #TrumpFinancialTips.

Countdown.

January 12, 2016

Best thing about the College Football Playoff.  Now that the game is over,  we know it’s not much more than a month until ‪#‎MLB‬ spring training starts.

Tonight was really as it turned out,  the Southern U.S. Football Championship.   A week and a half after the big bowls. So did anyone outside the South who doesn’t have money on the game really care?

The real winners of last night’s Golden Globes hosted by Ricky Gervais? Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, who can now REALLY name their own price.

Amazing how many stayed in TCF Bank Stadium to bitter end of ‪#‎Vikings‬ game. Though most fans may have been frozen to seats. ‪#‎SEAvsMIN‬

Johnny Manziel now seems to have disappeared and not even the Browns know where he is. Even Lindsay Lohan is beginning to think this guy needs help.

Monday on the New York City subway is ‪#‎NoPantsDay‬. Which means Tuesday on the subway is ‪#‎BringHandiWipesDay‬

 

ESPN reported that several Denver Broncos players said today that while they are angry at Steelers’ center Cody Wallace for what they perceive as a dirty hit last month, they wouldn’t hurt the team with an ill-timed penalty.

Uh, who goes into any game saying they plan to lose the game over an ill-timed penalty?

Adam Jones, still upset over the end of the Steelers-Bengals game and his personal foul penalty, claims that Antonio Brown flopped, and today said “He deserved a Grammy Award for that. I know if you just got knocked out you ain’t going to be able to wink and tell me you’re OK.”
A Grammy? Sounds like Pacman’s awareness of pop culture is at about the same level as his self control.

 

The SF 49ers have been granted permission to speak to former NY Giants coach Tom Coughlin, 70. Makes sense. Coughlin can sign a 4 year contract, and then working under Jed York and Trent Baalke, retire when he gets fired at 71.

When sitting on hold for a long time to make a reservation, always wish just once that instead of saying, “Due to the high demand…”, companies would just be honest: “Due to the fact we don’t want to pay enough people to answer the phones….

Donald Trump is bragging how he got the Manchester Union Leader removed as a sponsor of the next GOP debate. So apparently while he and other candidates are focusing on the 2nd amendment, it’s okay to trample on the first?

Laissez les bonne temps roulez – Bobby Jindal is no longer governor of Louisiana.
Now what? At least since his campaign collapsing early Jindal has a good chance to be hired as a media pundit explaining why several other candidates have no chance.

 

A Conn. rookie police officer has resigned and been charged with 1st degree larceny after saying he needed time off with pay for U.S.Army Reserves duty in December, when he was actually going to Hawaii with his girlfriend.

So he’s a cop, and a young man, and in this social media age he still figured there was no chance he’d get caught…. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ Your move, Florida.

And seriously, R.I.P. David Bowie. How many musicians manage to be relevant across the generations?   Give the man credit. Not only did he change music in many ways, Bowie also, in a 24-7 internet celebrity-focused age, managed to fight a long battle with terminal cancer without the tabloids and various other media picking up on or publicizing it.  Godspeed, Major Tom.

A cold day…

January 7, 2016

 

The Minnesota Vikings are warning their fans that temperatures are expected to hit a high of 1 degree on Sunday. And Green Bay fans are thinking “1 degree? We could wear shorts.”

Lots of expert predictions on this weekend’s NFL playoff games. And we should listen to all those experts because they all predicted the hosts for these games would be Houston, Cincinnati, Minnesota and Washington?!

So now Johnny Manziel has been cited for driving with expired license plates. Even JaMarcus Russelll is saying “Dude, get it together.”.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers fired Lovie Smith, who was their third coach in five years. Somewhere even George Steinbrenner is thinking, “Jeez, show a little patience.”

Missed the ‪#‎Powerball‬ numbers last night by six. And I didn’t even play.

The next Powerball lottery jackpot will approach $700 million, resulting in turn millions of new players.  Because $400 million just doesn’t buy what it used to?

House Speaker Paul Ryan on what the GOP needs to do to win: “We have to show people what our principles are and how we apply those principles to the problems of the day to offer people real solutions”
And most of the Presidential candidates are going “Principles?”

One big problem faced by the the ‪#‎SF49ers‬ in their coaching search – any coach who is smart enough for the job, is probably also smart enough not to take it. ‪#‎trainwreck‬

Since their spring semester has started, Clemson asked for and got an NCAA waiver from a rule today which prevents “in-session” schools from practicing or holding team meetings for more than four hours per day or 20 hours per week. The school said players will miss class “only with professor approval.” And of course if any professor denies approval it would only be a coincidence if that professor is denied tenure.

A man handed a Bradenton hospital employee a wrapped burrito he said was for a patient. The employee checked and found that inside the burrito was a syringe of heroin. Back on your game, Florida. ‪#‎andyouthoughtguacamolewasaddicting‬?

A man handed a Bradenton hospital employee a wrapped burrito he said was for a patient. The employee checked and found that inside the burrito was a syringe of heroin. Back on your game, Florida. ‪#‎andyouthoughtguacamolewasaddicting‬

House Speaker Paul Ryan said that Obama’s executive actions on guns were “a distraction” and that the President should be focused on fighting terrorism. But hey now, that 62nd repeal attempt for Obamacare, THAT was important.

Interesting that ‪#‎JohnMcCain‬ stated strongly that ‪#‎BarackObama‬ was an American but he’s not so sure about ‪#‎TedCruz‬

 

Hillary Clinton, asked this week about extra-terrestrials, said “I think we may have been visited already” by aliens. “We don’t know for sure.” Heck, for all we know, one or two of them may be running for President.

From my funny friend Jerry Perisho “Ken Griffey, Jr. was voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. On his way to the podium, he pulled a hamstring and was placed on the disabled list.”

 

Days and confused.

September 17, 2014

Tuesday there was a press conference blasting the NFL and Roger Goodell over their handling of domestic violence cases – held by Gloria Allred. So congrats to all those who had Sept 17 in the pool.

Scotland is voting September 18 on a possible declaration of independence from the United Kingdom. And the number one response in the U.S.A. “So what is the United Kingdom?”

The Vikings, on deactivating Adrian Peterson “After giving the situation additional thought, we have decided this is the appropriate course of action for the organization and for Adrian.” Translation, we don’t want to lose any more sponsors. ‪#‎Followthemoney‬

 

 

The NFL fined Colin Kaepernick $10,000 for inappropriate language last weekend, and fined Buffalo Bills linebacker Brandon Spikes $8,268 for an unnecessary roughness penalty. So the lesson is clear, if you’re really unhappy on the field, don’t swear at someone, stomp them.

 

 

#‎TMI‬ Baltimore WR Steve Smith posted a picture of his new son along with the tweet “The last time me and my wife were in elevator heading to our hotel room!!! We got this guy 9 months later.. ‪#‎Realtalk‬” And not that long ago that would have been the most unfortunate story most of us could imagine involving a Ravens player and an elevator.

Jameis Winston has been suspended for the 1st half of FSU’s game Saturday against Clemson for standing on a table in the student union and repeatedly yelling an obscene internet meme – “F*ck her right in the p*ssy.” Considering that the Heisman winner is still being investigated for alleged sexual assault the suspension has to be as much about stupidity as obscenity.

 

 

Well, this kind of sucks. Rob Ford’s doctor says the Toronto mayor is battling a rare and “fairly aggressive” form of cancer. And Ford is probably thinking, “Hell, if I knew that I’d have kept smoking crack.”

Adrian Peterson’s mother ” When you whip those you love, it’s not about abuse, but love.” Sounds like the apple didn’t strike far from the tree.

Aaron Hernandez, trying to get evidence tossed in his murder trial “I felt helpless in the face of the occupation of my house by the police. I was also very concerned about what would happen to my fiancée and our baby if I refused to answer their questions. I did not feel free to leave at any time during the search.” “I feel so sorry for him”, said nobody.

Now some are slamming the new Miss America Kira Kazantsev because she interned at Planned Parenthood… Would they have been as angry if she supported raising welfare payments for poor children?

Told to unload his bags from a bus in Altoona, PA on July 31 after a AA game for Richmond. Game winning single in Arizona for the SF Giants in a pennant race Sept 17. Quite a few weeks for Matt Duffy.

 

From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg  “It is so hot in Los Angeles, people are going to Dodger games just to feel the cool breeze coming off of Yasiel Puig’s bat when he strikes out.  ” (.183% in his last 31 games)

What’s in a name?

January 2, 2014

Kate Winslet will not give her baby son “Bear” her husband’s last name, which is (legally) “RocknRoll. He will be known as Bear Winslet “Of course we’re not going to call (him) RocknRoll. People might judge all they like, but I’m a (bleeping) grown-up.” And she said it with a (bearly?) straight face

“Gosh it’s so sad seeing Nick Saban lose” said no one in 49 states. (And in Alabama, no one in Auburn.).

ESPN headline “Jadeveon Clowney ready to make impact in the NFL.”. Considering his being caught twice over 100 mph let’s hope that impact isn’t in a vehicle.

Can’t imagine how airlines get the reputation for unfriendly pricing. United Airlines has started offering “Premium Wines” by the glass in their United Club at the airport. Like Mark West Pinot Noir at $13. Average retail price for a BOTTLE of the wine as of today – $10, discounted as low as $6.99.

On Monday, Vikings LB Erin Henderson talked about his DUI arrest Nov. 19 and said “You start to learn a lot about yourself when things can go wrong or bad, if you’re willing to try to learn, if you’re willing to look in the mirror and figure things out. And I think I was able to do that.” On Wednesday, Henderson was arrested again for DUI. Even Lindsay Lohan is thinking that’s a slow learning curve.

Disappointing to fly back from the Rose Bowl after a Stanford loss. On the other hand, Palo Alto, sunny today with a high of 70. East Lansing, snowy today with a high of 14.

Maybe just maybe David Shaw kept running up the middle in yesterday’s Rose Bowl because he figured MSU would think Stanford couldn’t possibly be crazy enough to keep doing it and would guess “pass”?

Over 90,000 attendees at the 2014 Rose Bowl. And only one of them thought Stanford would eventually succeed running up the middle. Unfortunately for Cardinal fans, that one was their coach.

Mayor Rob Ford has filed papers to run for re-election. Not sure about the citizens of Toronto, but this is excellent news for comedy writers.

Why there is no satire: A man who won a contest last year to meet the cast of “Breaking Bad” back in September has been arrested on drug charges. (Yeah, you guessed the state. And no, not New Mexico.)

The next GOP strategy to overturn Obamacare will apparently be to focus on potential security issues with the website. Eric Cantor is saying that Americans shouldn’t have to worry “if they can trust the government to inform them when their personal information — entered into a government mandated website — has been compromised.” Right, on the other hand if banks, stores or social media compromise personal data, well, that’s just a risk of capitalism.

And in the comedy comes from pain department, Dwight Perry liked one of yesterday’s Rose Bowl jokes.  It’s a great Seattle Times sports humor column.  http://seattletimes.com/html/sidelinechatter/2022586190_chatter03xml.html

Heading into turkey week.

November 23, 2010

The 3-7 Minnesota Vikings fired coach Brad Childress. Guess they figured with Favre and the rest of the talent they have the team should be at least 4-6.

It could always be worse department: The Illinois-Northwestern game Saturday was the first college football game at Wrigley Field in 72 years. Just think, fans in attendance then were probably complaining about their Cubs’ 30 year World Series drought.

Another loss for Lebron and his friends in Miami. At this point they may have to change their name to the “Miami Lukewarm.”

So much for the 49ers latest-quarterback savior, as Troy had an awful Sunday. Wonder if we should say the Bucs employed a wooden horse defense?

Delta Air Lines is saying that in “rare” cases they will consider refunds for passengers who don’t want to go through the enhanced TSA patdowns this Thanksgiving.

Translation, those “rare cases” are probably when there are  people on the waitlist willing to pay a lot more than you did on their ticket.

New TSA theme songs?

“You ain’t seen nothing yet?”  or “The way that I want to touch you?

As much as many travelers now think TSA should be privatized, let’s at least hope they don’t put the airlines in charge. Not only would the pat-down situation not improve, but the carriers would almost certainly add an additional “massage charge.”

Not everyone, however, is upset with the new hands-on security protocol.  In fact, rumor has it that out of the fans who flew to New York for the U.S. Premiere of the most recent Harry Potter movie,  many of them asked the TSA inspectors for a second date.

 

At 1-9, the Panthers are all alone as the worst team in the NFL. Which means that Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck may discover in 2011 that there are just a few things “finer than to be in Carolina….”

The Defense Department says they will release their “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” report early as some moderate senators say they want time to read the report before voting. This is news indeed. Senators actually sometimes read bills before they vote?

Are you “gellin”? Not if you’re flying. While the bodyscans are getting all the publicity, TSA also lists gel shoe inserts on their banned list, except in checked luggage. (Really.) What’s next, a ban on gel insert bras.

More and more stores will be open this year Thanksgiving Day,  including Sears,  Walmart, Kmart and Gap, which means further erosion of the traditional “Black Friday” start to the Christmas shopping season.

Will we look back year from now on this being the beginning of the trend that moved “Black Friday” to the weekend before Labor Day?