Posted tagged ‘United jokes’

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Taking off?

May 23, 2017

 

Presume someone has warned @Cavs assuming they play @Warriors again they will have to show up more than 1 or 2 of 4 quarters? #NBAplayoffs

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NFL says they’re relaxing their player celebration rules. #SF49ers are asking “what are celebrations?”

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Nike just re-signed Odell Beckham Jr. to a shoe contract reportedly worth about $5 million a year. Waiting for the Laval Ball OBJ diss in 3.2.1…

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Top Gun 2, the sequel,  has been confirmed.  Now Maverick will be riding into the danger zone with his left blinker on.

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And this time Maverick’s biggest need will be speedy trips to the bathroom.

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More details on the man who was subdued on an American Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Hawaii after trying to break into the cockpit,.  He apparently bought a one-way ticket late at night with no luggage, smelled of alcohol, had his boarding pass confiscated by police after he opened a restricted door, etc….. and still got on the plane. In related news, TSA at LAX confiscated no doubt at least a hundred bottles of water.

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And in related news your “Do we feel safe yet?” moment for today. Client has a nice clear plastic reusable sports water bottle. Forgets to pour all the water out and TSA finds it at Newark. He apologizes and offers to dump it out. Nope. The choice is have the bottle confiscated, OR go back out to end of long line, empty the bottle outside of security and go back through again. #securitytheater

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Five  passengers sustained minor injuries while evacuating SF-bound United flight on the tarmac Newark Airport tonight due to engine fire. But the flight, presumably with a new plane,  eventually did take off,   And at least, United didn’t charge a entertainment/slide fee.

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RIP #RogerMoore. Saddest thing for many Americans is realizing someone they remember as James Bond was 89 years old.

 

Melania Trump displaying great hand-eye coordination swatting away her husband’s hand, again. If she hadn’t modeled maybe a WNBA career?

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Doesn’t this sound like a teenager’s note home to his parents? “Israel, Saudi Arabia and the Middle East were great. Trying hard for PEACE. Doing well. Heading to Vatican & Pope, then #G7 and #NATO.”

 

An unnamed “senior administrative official” said “Donald Trump united the entire Muslim world in a way that it really hasn’t been in many years.” #WTF?   Was it Jared or Ivanka?

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Former CIA Director John Brennan – Russia “brazenly” interfered in the US election, “actively” contacted some on the Trump campaign, and “I saw interaction that in my mind raised questions of whether it was collusion…” So think President’s staff is trying to get him to delay #FakeCIA tweets until after his foreign trip?

 

Suspect in #ManchesterBombing was British-born. Not sure what the answer is, but it’s not walls.

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What a drag

April 14, 2017

Doctor taken off United flight has hired a lawyer. Guessing airline will want to settle rather than dragging the case out.

 

 

Last time #SFGiants came back to win when trailing in 9th inning, Donald Trump was a novelty act after 1 GOP debate. (Sept 15, 2015)

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Eli Manning has now been named tangentially in a alleged scheme by the NY Giants to sell fake game-used memorabilia. His email to the team equipment manager as listed in a court documents. “2 helmets that can pass as game used. That is it. Eli.”
And here we thought Peyton’s Papa John’s and Budweiser Super Bowl plugs were the Manning’s most embarrassing marketing moments.

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Dustin Johnson, who reportedly injured his back falling down stairs at his Augusta rental home, will return to the PGA Tour May 4 at the Wells Fargo Championships. Where presumably his WIlmington, NC, rental home will only be single-story.

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That moment when you see the headline “Heidi and Spencer are going to be parents.” And you think, “who?”

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Only bad thing for most airline passengers w/ #United fiasco. Now all the entitled jerks on board will feel – and act- even more entitled.

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NY police carted away 25 protesters today from Trump Tower. Next time Trump is threatening to use United agents & O’Hare security guards.

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Former Buccaneers WR Louis Murphy yesterday for carrying a loaded gun in a backpack at Tampa airport, while Steelers CG Senquez Golson was arrested for carrying an unloaded Glock in his carry on at Mobile’s airport.
I know these United agents are scary but this is ridiculous.

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Since Trump seems to like “the rocket’s red glare” so much can Jared & Ivanka just hook him up w/ a fireworks company for Mar-A-Lago?

Florida health inspectors cited Mar-A-Lago with 15 food violations this year. Who needs plutonium?

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Jeffery Lord says  that Donald Trump is the “MLK of healthcare.”   More like “I have a nightmare.”

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The Cape May, NJ GOP decided to pull support from Brian McDowell, a NJ Jersey State Assembly candidate after a video surfaced of him at a bar saying to a woman “Let me tell you right now. You should f–k me. It would really be good. Listen, you never know.”
McDowell is staying in the race, maybe hoping for an endorsement from the President?

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After saying yesterday that things were “nasty” and ‘we’re not getting along with Russia at all’,” Trump today tweeted “Things will work out fine between the U.S.A. and Russia. At the right time everyone will come to their senses & there will be lasting peace!’
Gawd, can’t imagine how anyone might think Trump and Putin have a bromance going. #teenagelovespat

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The dollar has fallen in the last two days after comments Trump made to the Wall Street Journal “I think our dollar is getting too strong, and partially that’s my fault because people have confidence in me.”
Is there ANYTHING in the world that isn’t all about him?

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Why is this night different?

April 12, 2017

 

SF Giants win tonight after a rally  started by Matt Cain double. A miracle has occurred. As my son points out, it’s Passover. @SFGiants

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Melvin Upton Jr has signed a AAA contract with the SF Giants. He batted .238 last year with the Padres & Blue Jays. Which right about now would make him the Giants top hitting outfielder not named Hunter Pence.

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Apparently Mark Cuban, who honored Tony Romo before last night’s Mavericks game, wanted to have Romo suit up and maybe even get in the game briefly. But commissioner Adam Silver nixed the idea, and coach Rick Carlisle said he was an “athlete that’s not ready to play in an NBA game.”
Well, heck, that hasn’t stopped the Lakers.

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So many meaningless games at the end of the NBA season.   Differing at least in intensity from the meaningless games during most of the NBA season.

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Some worries now about North Korea having nukes that could reach the West Coast of the U.S. If so, we can only hope Kim Jon-Un fires them towards Dodger Stadium during first inning of a game, so no fans will get hurt. #bustohell

 

Apologizing, finally, United dropped their proposed slogan “Oligarchies mean never having to say you’re sorry.”

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United will refund everyone’s tickets on plane where man was dragged off last Sunday. Will the refunds be less a nominal entertainment fee?

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Trump in a NY Post interview about negative stories in the media “many of those sources are made up and I don’t believe them. Let them reveal their sources.”
Translation, so I can fire them.

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Spicer apologized for Hitler comment, waiting for him also to acknowledge many Jews murdered in Holocaust WERE German, “his own people.”

 

Trump talking about the missile strikes during dinner with China’s President XI. “We had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you’ve ever seen and President Xi was enjoying it. And I was given the message from the generals that ‘The ships are locked and loaded. What do you do?’ And we made the determination to do it, so the missiles are on the way.”
Good to know his priorities are in the right place. Assume the cake was from Trump Grill?

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Lawyers for Summer Zervos, a former “Apprentice” contestant suing Trump for denying that he groped & kissed her on the show, are questioning Donald’s assertion that he is immune from lawsuits as President.
Can someone please interview Paula Jones for her opinion?

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Unboarding group one?

April 12, 2017

On a brighter note for Pepsi they do now stand a good chance of becoming official soft drink of United Airlines.

 

Bad timing award to the #United Airlines billboard near San Francisco International Airport  for POLARIS business class. “O is for out like a light”.

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United employee who kicked the girls off plane for wearing leggings has to be feeling better – “At least I didn’t drag them off.”

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Well, on a brighter note for United, their PR response to “re-accommodating” a passenger will probably reduce their overbooking problem.

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United spokesman Jonathan Guerin today said their infamous flight from O’Hare was not overbooked, but the crew members who were needed in Louisville the next day “were considered ‘must-ride’ passengers.”
Did United forget that almost every single one of their phone agents ends the call by offering “can we book you a Hertz car?”

 

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Buster Posey is on the 7 day concussion disabled list.  Ok. If an Diamondbacks pitcher had to put one of the SF Giants players on DL why couldn’t they have hit an outfielder? #notpence #bustohell

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Russell Westbrook sat out tonight’s Thunder-TWolves game, his first this season. So does this make him too soft for the MVP award?

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Coach Steve Fisher may have never won a championship at San Diego State. But @Spurs fans are very grateful to him & his recruiting.  (Kawhi Leonard, under-rated even in high school)
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Tuesday was #NationalPetDay. And cats are sniffing “Big deal, EVERY day is National Cat Day.”
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Waiting for this tweet – “The Trump shuttle never bumped anyone. But if they had, it would have been biggest best bumping ever.” #United
If Sean Spicer ever gets fired by Trump maybe he can do PR for United Airlines.

Holocaust centers? Hitler did not use gas on his own people? Somewhere Melissa McCarthy is going “I give up.” #SeanSpicer

 

 

Anyone considered that Sean Spicer may not get fired because the way he says things distracts us from what he and Trump actually mean?

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Sean Spicer  on his Hitler remark “It was a mistake to do that.” What, no blaming fake news?

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Syria is a mess. And not saying the missile strike in Syria was the right thing or the wrong thing. But can we imagine the reaction if Hillary had bombed the airfield because mother-of-two Chelsea was upset and pushed her to do it?

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Cue the Gershwin

April 10, 2017

New United Airlines theme song –   “Rhapsody in Black and blue.”

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FCC dropped a proposal that would have allowed passengers to use cellphones in flight. Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in the US?

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Wintry weather tonight in Chicago. Blame whoever said hell would freeze over before they raised a championship banner at Wrigley. @Cubs

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Seriously considering long light-less history of #WrigleyField you’d think Cubs might honor history with a day home opener #followthemoney

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Over 100 year drought for a #Cubs World Series win. Thanks to TV scheduling and rain many kids will be in bed before that flag is raised.

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SF Giants Jarrett Parker has a batting average. You know it’s been bad when .071 (bingo) is an improvement. #SFGiants

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LB Junior Galette was arrested after a fight during a Spring Break festival in Biloxi, MS. He was charged with disorderly conduct and failure to comply.
Normally the Redskins wait until they get on the field to be this embarrassing.

 

Not that I really wish him any harm. But I sure don’t mind seeing Sergio Romo lose a game in a Dodgers uniform for a change.

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4 shot, 2 fatally in #SanBernandino school shooting. Not “terrorism” just average US domestic gun incident. Move along nothing to see here.

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An 8 yr-old boy shot this morning in a San Bernandino classroom has died. Clearly this would not happen if our children were armed.

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The biggest problem with all these murder-suicides is that these asshole killers always do it in the wrong order. #SanBernardino

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Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley resigned today after he was arrested on campaign finance charges. Moral of story, if you’re going to be a family values Republican, have affairs on your own dime. #DavidVitter

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Sean Spicer, “if you gas a baby, expect a response.” So other ways of killing babies are acceptable?

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The @NYTImes & @ProPublica both won a #PulitzerPrize. Standby for Pulitzers overrated tweets in 3.2.1….

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Bubba Watson apologized after missing the cut at the Masters and telling a reporter “Golf is tough; I don’t know if you’ve ever played it. But writing articles is easy.”
Nobody tell Trump, in his spare time he’ll start a magazine.

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Donald Trump Jr. has announced he will not run for NY governor in 2018. And he could have gotten at least 20% of the vote.

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Right about now it might be almost as easy to defend the Trump White House on MSNBC as to do PR for United.

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Did someone tell United the man was wearing leggings?

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So after weekend’s incident will United change policy on removing people from overbooked flights? Smaller people first. Easier to carry.

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New potential advertisement for the United credit card? Priority boarding, a free checked bag & we won’t drag you off the plane?

 

From “careerbliss.com” – O’Hare International Airport Security Officers earn $25,000 annually, or $12 per hour, which is 4% lower than the national average for all Security Officers at $26,000 annually and 84% lower than the national salary average for all working Americans.
An Airport Security Officer was apparently responsible for dragging that passenger off United’s flight. #yougetwhatyoupayfor

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Seriously, and I wasn’t there, but if United was giving $800 plus a hotel and meals to get off the plane, you’d think they’d have upped the ante and tossed in a rental car..
It’s a 5 hour drive for heavens sake, even with a bathroom break.

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I see a great Lyft or Uber commercial…. for $800 guessing you could get driven to Louisville.

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One more practical thought  -okay, any halfway decent travel agent knows something about Louisville. Especially if you’ve ever booked anyone to a certain Derby in Kentucky. It’s 90 minutes from Lexington and 2 hours from Cincinnati. (United flies to both from Chicago) So a relatively easy drive if you fly crew or passengers there. #MakeAmericaGeographicallyCompetentAgain.

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On the other hand, perhaps we should thank United. For a brief not-to-shining moment they have “united” Americans in outrage.

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Blow ups.

September 1, 2016

Facebook just changed their relationship status with SpaceX to “it’s complicated.”

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At Cape Canaveral, a SpaceX rocket exploded on the launch pad this morning. SpaceX described the explosion as an “anomaly.” Fortunately there were no injuries. And airline spokespersons immediately filed “anomaly” away for future use.

 

Pamela Anderson, 49, has become an anti-porn crusader. Maybe because no one wants to see her sex tapes anymore?

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As Colin Kaepernick doubles down on his anthem protest, angering many other NFL players, here’s an interesting side note: Right now the 49ers only have to pay him guaranteed salary for 2016. But if Kaepernick suffers a career-ending injury, he also gets $14.5 million guaranteed in 2017 and $5.2 million in 2018.
So if Kap plays this year, he’s one good hit away from a long paid vacation.

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Would have been ironic tonight if angry fans went after #Kaepernick in San Diego & he needed a police escort to get out of stadium safely. #SFvsSD

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Angry Mexican news anchor about Trump’s visit “The humiliation is now complete.” Which is the same sentiment felt by many rational members of the GOP.

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NY Jets WR Brandon Marshall said he believes the Chicago Bears traded him after the 2014 season because of his in-season television work on Showtime’s “Inside the NFL” Well, that and Marshall’s receiving stats falling off almost 50% from the 2013 season.

 

All this talk about scary clowns in #SouthCarolina. Weren’t the presidential primaries months ago?

 

Appalachian State had a chance to beat Tennessee in regulation, but neglected to call their 3rd and last time out when they might have been in field goal range. Sounds like they spend as much time in math class as members of top NCAA programs.

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Governor RIck Scott has issued a hurricane warning for Florida, saying that Hermine could be “life-threatening.” Surprised he didn’t add a warning to President Obama to stay out of the state’s business.

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Donald Trump believes that American-born children of illegals should be deported. So what does that mean IF it turns out Melania skirted immigration law with her visa?

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United Airlines says that 12 passengers were injured by “severe and unexpected turbulence” on an overnight flight to London while most were asleep. So what part of “keep your seatbelt fastened while you sleep” do most people not understand? #cantfixstupid #butyoucaninjurestupid

 

“Business Insider’ reports that Marco Gutierrez, who founded “Latinos for Trump’ said there could be “taco trucks on every corner” if the Donald isn’t elected.
Taco trucks? Hmm…Gutierrez might have just given a lot of Americans reasons to vote for Hillary.

 

 

From my friend Tony Alan Banks, who just may have solved one of the mysteries of the universe:   I’m 100% convinced that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.”

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Shout outs

November 16, 2015

Aaron Rodgers, calling out a fan who yelled an anti-Musim slur today at Lambeau Field. “I must admit, I was very disappointed with whoever the fan was that made a comment that was very inappropriate during the moment of silence. It’s that kind of prejudicial ideology that puts us in the position we are today as a world.”
So how often do I say about a Cal grad, well played sir, well, played.”
(even if the game wasn’t)

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The way this season is going, the ones who will be yelling “Dallas sucks” loudest are Cowboys fans.
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It’s a new trend for pro teams to sell game used jerseys. Alas Saints can’t do that today for defensive players. No proof they were used.

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Can only imagine what kind of stats Drew Brees could put up if he could play against his own defense.
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Crazy week in the NFL. Have to wonder, have Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning ever had a worse Sunday?
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Interesting how when SEC team beat each other up in college football it is looked upon as a sign of conference strength, whereas when Pac 12 teams beat each other it is looked upon as a sign of conference mediocrity.
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United sent frequent fliers a message saying that for a week you can “share your miles with friends and family and save up to 30% on the transfer price per mile. So let me get this straight, you earn the miles, and they for a short time they will graciously charge you less to give them away. And airlines wonder why we hate them.
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Bernie Sanders said last night that the US had more wealth inequality “than any major country on earth.” And actually,the 2015 Global Wealth Databook puts the share of wealth held by the top 1% in the U.S. puts us “only” 11th out of 37 nations – behind Russia, Thailand, Indonesia, India, Brazil, Chile, South Africa, China, Czech Republic and Israel.
But note the countries missing. So much for our decrying the European class system.

GOP candidates often act like it were a simple thing just to bomb the bad guys out of existence. Yeah, that idea worked so well after 9 11. ‪#‎assumingweevencanaimattherightbadguys‬

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Proving that no one party has a monopoly on stupidity. Dan Kimmel, a Democrat who was running for state representative in Minnesota tweeted ” ISIS isn’t necessarily evil. It is made up of people doing what they think is best for their community. Violence is not the answer, though.”
He dropped out of the race today and said the tweet was poorly worded. Ya think? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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From Bill Littlejohn, “Quarterback Blake Bortles says that his Jacksonville Jaguars are a ‘small step’ from contending. Well, remember, it took a decade and billions of dollars for Neil Armstrong’s ‘small step.’ ” .

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Qualified?

September 12, 2015

Apparently Nobel Peace Prize winner Malala Yousafzai has to take SATs before she applies to U.S. colleges. Well, duh, not like Malala is something important like a football or basketball player.

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Donald Trump is unhappy about Ben Carson questioning his “fear of the Lord,” and said “you don’t hit a person on faith.” Uh, okay, would the Donald like to tell that to his supporters? A recent PPP poll found 66% of respondents who support Trump believe that Obama is Muslim.

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It’s been since 1993 since a Canadian team won the NHL Stanley Cup. And since a Canadian team won the World Series. Who’d a thunk that the most likely drought to be over soon would be in baseball? ‪#‎BlueJays‬

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There were chants of USA! USA! USA! during game one of the Yankee-Blue Jays doubleheader at Yankee Stadium. Maybe Toronto’s sweep was karma’s way of saying “Stay classy, New York.”

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Sadly fitting. Nationals reliever Drew Storen ended his season by breaking his thumb slamming his locker in frustration after a loss Wednesday. Washington season-ticket holders have to wish they had the same option.

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Wait a minute. Jacksonville State isn’t even in Florida but in Alabama? This geography stuff is so confusing. ‪#‎JaxState‬ ‪#‎Auburn‬

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Apparently Aldon Smith turned down more money from other teams to stay in the SF Bay Area with the Raiders. Because Smith is already on a first name basis with most of the local police?

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Do they award Darwin awards to businesses? If so, Zales Jewelers just locked up the award for the year. With a 9/11 sale. No joke. And they even instead of “Remember, Rebuild, Renew” used “Renew, Reset, Restyle” on their brochures. ‪ #‎youreallycannotmakethisstuffup‬

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Now departed United Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek has a golden parachute of that could top $20 million, including $5 million in cash. Along with free first class travel for life on United. Too late to start a petition to United to demand he fly coach?

Can we at least hope all flight attendants recognize him and give Smisek the fine service he so richly deserves?

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A Catholic woman wanted Office Depot to print 500 copies of an anti-abortion flier that talked about the “evil that has been exposed in Planned Parenthood and in the entire abortion industry.” They refused and invited her to use the self-serve copy machines.
Now she’s claiming religious discrimination. Once again, it’s only discrimination when they disagree with YOUR religion

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Stanford-UCF started at 730p Pacific Time. 1030pm Eastern. Forget the fact that the Golden Knights were probably tired, we’re talking University of Central FLORIDA. Figure most of the UCF alums were in bed by kick off.

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Apparently Jason Pierre-Paul’s injury in a fireworks accident is worse than originally thought. The NY Giants’ DE lost not only his right index finger, but also fractured his thumb, needed skin grafts and is missing part of another finger. And he may be out for the entire season, or more. So not only ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬, you can’t always surgically repair it either.

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Golden parachuting out of the Friendly Skies?

September 8, 2015

United Airlines has announced that Jeff Smisek has stepped down as CEO, chairman and president effective immediately. United says this is connected to a federal investigation.involving the Port Authority of NY and NJ.
“What a shame, the man has built such a wonderful airline” said absolutely positively no frequent travelers.

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And as the United scandal involves the Port Authority and New Jersey politics, Chris Christie may soon be wishing someone would ask him about Bridgegate.

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Tom Brady in a recent interview said that Deflategate was the “hardest time of his life.” I feel so sorry for him, said nobody outside New England.

(from my friend Alex Kaseberg – “I think it was tough. He aged so much he almost looks like his courtroom sketch.”)

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Apparently plenty of seats are still available for the Mayweather/Berto fight this weekend in Vegas, even though seats are much less expensive than the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight. I think this goes down under the “Fool me once….” category..

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Macy’s says they will close 35 to 40 under-performing stores. Responded most people under 30: “Macy’s has stores?”

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A record 10 teams from the SEC are in college football’s “Top 25” this week. So 10 of the 14 teams are ranked. If nothing else this should be a chance for many players to tackle higher math. . .

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Bryce Harper ripped Nationals fans who left in the 7th inning yesterday. And Dodgers’ players are thinking “In Los Angeles we call fans like that ‘diehards.’

(tonight, as the Nats blew a 7-1 run lead after 6, the fans are thinking “we’re smarter than Harper.”)

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Might be easier, at least faster, these days during the pre-game show to list the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ who AREN’T injured.

‪#‎TimHudson‬ was 2-3 today with a home run. So is he trying to throw down the gauntlet to ‪#‎MadisonBumgarner‬? ‪#‎SFGiants‬

SF Giants pitchers have hit 7 home runs this year.  Only three behind Pablo Sandoval.

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If this was Tim Hudson’s last start in ‪#‎MLB‬, great way to go out. ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎classact‬

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Two Texas high school football players have been suspended for hitting a referee during a game Friday night. Waiting for someone to say this wouldn’t have happened if refs were armed.

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Chelsea Clinton, asked about a potential Kanye West run for President in 2020, said it could be “awesome.” Especially if she’s hoping that her mom is running for re-election.

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A judge has ordered Kim Davis released from jail, but told her not to interfere with the granting of licenses by her deputies. Thinking Davis might be too busy anyway to interfere anyway, with all her upcoming talk show and campaign appearances.

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Somehow with all the screaming about persecution and Christianity in this country, I seem to have missed all the calls from religious conservatives for the U.S. to take in at least the Christian Syrian refugees

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Stalled.

August 27, 2015

A new study found that Washington, D.C. has the worst traffic in the entire U.S. Wonder if that counts the gridlock inside the Capitol building?

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Facebook on Monday had one billion users in a single day. Wow. That’s means at least 500 million cat pictures.

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In Texas, the Health and Human Services Commission announced they are going ahead with $100 million in cuts to a therapy program for poor and disabled children. Three words: Pro-life my ass.

More on the Texas upcoming $100 million cut to a therapy program for poor and disabled children. Do they figure at least these kids will grow up in into adults with the right to be armed?

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In the Little League World Series, California scored 3 runs in the top of the 1st, Texas had a grand slam in the bottom of the inning. And every current and former Little League parent just sighs, nods, and thinks “out of pitching.” ‪#‎thosewerethedays‬

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So I think I’ve figured it out; the way for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ to beat the ‪#‎ChicagoCubs‬ was to put half their team on the disabled list.

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Okay, how adorable is SF Giants rookie Kelby Tomlinson? The kid looks like he could play a teenage Clark Kent. Got his 1st MLB home run and it was a grand slam: “It was pretty crazy. Everybody got up and started clapping for me. I’d never experienced anything like that. It’s pretty special.”

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Madison Bumgarner, 6 innings, 1 ER, 12Ks. Oh yeah, and one infield hit. Guess which he’s going to want to talk about? ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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United Airlines sent out an email to its Mileage Plus members. 50,000 bonus miles when you purchase or lease a new Mercedes S-class sedan. Uh, thinking if you can afford a Mercedes, you can probably afford not to care about frequent flier miles.

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Steelers WR Martavis Bryant has been suspended 4 games by the NFL for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. And Pittsburgh fans are thinking “Well, at least he didn’t rape anyone or kill any dogs.

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Going back to August 14, the Cincinnati Reds have won exactly ONE game, and that an August 24 make-up game from a rain out against Detroit. 1-12. If they’re going to give up on the season maybe they should offer ticket holders their money back?

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From Marc Ragovin:  “I’m not saying the Phillies are bad, but when they took the field in the top of the first the other day, Manager Pete Mackanin immediately called for a challenge.”

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An appeal hearing for Marshawn Lynch over his $75,000 fine for not talking to the media in 2014 has apparently been canceled, What, did Lynch figure out the hearing would actually require talking?

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Two women on a JetBlue flight from Jamaica to JFK were arrested after they got into a brawl upon landing involving a razor and pepper spray. So these gals got both a razor and pepper spray on the plane. But I’ll bet security confiscated plenty of bottled water.

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Technical issues?

July 8, 2015

Are we looking at the VP of Computer Operations at United Airlines or the NYSE?

 

 

 

johnnie

 

The Department of Homeland Security says ‘No signs of malicious activity’ in NYSE and United Airline computer crashes. Yeah, makes sense, terrorism is no match for good old-fashioned incompetence.

 

#‎DeAndreJordan‬ is now Brett Favre’s favorite NBA player.

 

San Antonio Spurs have to be sitting back and laughing at these emoji wars between the Clippers and Mavericks. Especially since they probably wooed LaMarcus Aldridge with smoke signals.

 

So ‪#‎NBA‬ schedule isn’t out yet, but just guessing ‪#‎Clippers‬ ‪#‎Mavericks‬ first 2015 matchup will be scheduled for national prime time television

 

You think while Clippers were hanging out at DeAndre  Jordan’s house maybe they could have given him some free throw lessons?

 

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A 58 year old Florida woman who was at the Dayton Coke Zero 400 told an interviewer THROUGH HER LAWYER, “I thought I was going to die when that car came flying right at me “The whole event was just terrifying. I am happy to be alive.”

The woman and her adult son, who say they do not have health insurance, were treated at the track, and not sent to the hospital. But they are now talking to medical specialists.. Their lawyer says they just want current and future medical costs taken care of….

Two words. Yeah. Right.

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So the All-Star Game Home Run Derby will now be timed, with five minutes per batter per round, but bonus time for hitting home runs over 420 or 475 feet. This isn’t a batting contest, it’s a video game.

 

 

Baseball trivia of the day: The St. Louis Cardinals have 26 comeback wins this year. The Philadelphia Phillies have 29 wins, period.

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Spanish-born celebrity chef Jose Andres is pulling out of a deal to open a restaurant in Donald Trump’s new D.C. hotel, saying that the Donald’s “recent statements disparaging immigrants make it impossible for my company and I to move forward…. More than of my team is Hispanic, as are many of our guests.”

Seriously, does Trump have delusions that he can go into ANY restaurant these days and count on a decent meal?

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Jimmy Carter. “I believe Jesus would approve gay marriage,” he said. “That’s just my own personal opinion.” Well, Jesus DID hang around with 12 disciples.

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Can we start subtitling the 4th of July “Darwin Day”?  #Fireworks

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Sigh, now it comes out that Tampa Bay CB C.J. Wilson may have lost two fingers in that fireworks accident. Just don’t get it. Aren’t you supposed to get someone in your posse to shoot off your illegal fireworks?

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So apparently when NY Giants officials flew to Florida to visit injured player Jason Pierre-Paul, they were not allowed into his hospital room. Clearly a cautionary move by the DE to keep the team from making quick decisions about his future. Were that he had been so cautious with the fireworks..

 

 

From T.C. , If C.J Wilson and Jason Pierre-Paul don’t resign with their current teams, they certainly won’t end up with Green Bay.  The Packers are still trying to recruit players for their onside kicks “all hands” teams..

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Not sure about Pepsi?

May 31, 2015

When I asked for a Coke Zero on a plane today, a United flight attendant gave me the entire can, unopened. So are soda cans off the weapons list?

Or is Coke Zero safer than Diet Coke?

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In Takhatpur, India, villagers had a wedding ceremony between two frogs.  They are in the midst of a drought and frog marriages are supposed to invoke the rain gods.  Could be very disappointing for one frog if a kiss turns one of them into a prince or princess.

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Now, if this frog marriage stuff works it opens up all kinds of possibilities for California. But can we have same-sex frog marriages?

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A recycling center in California is looking for a woman who dropped off a vintage Apple Computer. They sold it for $200,000 and want to give her half. Hmm, wonder what I could get for my Blackberry.

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At a Four Seasons in Texas, Johnny Manziel got frustrated with a fan and threw a water bottle at him. Fortunately the situation didn’t escalate any further, as no doubt Manziel’s throw missed the guy by a foot.

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John Kerry, 71, broke his leg in a bike accident in the French Alps. Not sure if the Secretary of State still thinks he’s young enough to be President, but he clearly thinks he’s still young enough to be riding a fancy racing bike..

Apparently Kim Kardashian is pregnant again. And she’s said “It is an adjustment trying to balance a career and motherhood for sure, but the key is to prioritize.” Kim Kardashian has a career?

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Darwin nominee for the week. In Maryland, a man was fatally burned after he lit a cigarette while trying to pump his own gas at a service station. So is this a potential new marketing strategy for electric cars? “We don’t just save the environment.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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The Washington Nationals put Stephen Strasburg on the DL with neck stiffness. Wonder if Strasburg, who had an 2015 ERA of 6.55, strained it by all that turning around to see balls hit off him this season.

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Guess war doesn’t count? Jeb Bush today suggested the budget deficit during his brother’s administration was because W. “let the Republican Congress get a little out of control, in terms of the spending.” But hey, okay, is Jeb suggesting we elect him along with a Democratic House and Senate?

From T.C.   Country star Garth Brooks had to cancel his three shows in Tampa in order to accomodate the NHL Lightning’s Stanley Cup home games. See, this is what happens when you only have friends in low places.

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The danger zone?

January 13, 2015

In D.C. one woman has died, two are in critical condition, and 81 others were injured when smoke filled a DC Metro station. And apparently this was caused by an electrical fault. Who needs terrorists when we have an aging and underfunded infrastructure?

 

 

Well, now that the Oregon-Ohio State game is over, we don’t have to see ESPN’s silly countdown clock to the National Championship.  ESPN’s countdown clock to the Super Bowl no doubt starts tomorrow.

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When asked if he would ever consider moving to the NFL, Urban Meyer said, “Not right now. I’ve got a commitment to Ohio State.” Translation, ‘no ones offered me enough money, and none of my players here have yet been arrested for a felony.”

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Caradle Jones, the third-string QB who led OSU to the National Championship, when asked about leaving early for the NFL – “In my personal opinion, I’m not ready for that level yet.” Well, maybe, but Jones might be at least ready for the level of the Jets.

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Apparently Urban Meyer promised his team if they won the national championship he’d get a tattoo. And unlike his players, the OSU coach won’t get in trouble if he doesn’t pay for it.

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Stay classy, Texas congressman Randy Weber tweeted, “Even Adolph Hitler thought it more important than Obama to get to Paris. (For all the wrong reasons.) Obama couldn’t do it for right reasons.” Just guessing Rep. Weber, who crusades against gay marriage and immigration, “our traditional family values are under attack,” isn’t even likely to pick up a copy of Charlie Hebdo.

 

Mike Huckabee criticizes the Obamas in an interview with PEOPLE magazine because they “on one hand they can be such doting parents and so careful,” but they let their daughters listen to Beyonce. Yep, clearly a major lapse in parental judgment, and the President and First Lady might even let the girls read stuff like PEOPLE magazine.

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Jason Garrett signed a new five year contract with the Dallas Cowboys. The deal was based on Garrett’s loyalty, success on the field, and ability to tolerate Jerry Jones.

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Dianne Feinstein says the Justice Dept erred in recommending charges against General Petraeus over him giving his mistress access to some classified government documents. “It’s done, it’s over. He’s retired. He’s lost his job. How much does government want.” Besides, Petraeus probably didn’t leak as much as any two-bit college hacker can find in a day.

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Rep. Randy Weber has apologized for his recent tweet, saying it “It was not my intention to trivialize the Holocaust nor to compare the President to Adolf Hitler.” Considering the way that the Texas GOP demonizes Obama was Weber apologizing to the President or to Hitler?

 

 

Donald Trump is suing Palm Beach County because he says the airport is deliberately routing flights over his mansion – and causing “excessive, unreasonable, unwarranted and uninvited noise. The alleged motivation? Revenge for Trump’s blocking the airport expansion in the 1990s.

Well, if they weren’t doing it on purpose before, no doubt the airport director appreciates the idea.

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United Airlines has warned 2,000 workers that they may outsource gate agents and baggage handlers at 28 non-hub airports.. So you think their customer service is bad now? Cheer up, it may get worse.

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Milestones.

September 26, 2014

A lot of women around the world just don’t get the fuss over Derek Jeter’s retirement. Now, George Clooney getting married, that’s traumatic.

 

Chelsea Clinton has a daughter, Charlotte. And Fox News is already preparing a documentary on why the baby is the wrong choice for President in 2064.

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Rand Paul said the U.S.is in a full blown crisis –a spiritual crisis…. I think we must do something our world often tells us not to do: Seek God. He also blasted President Obama as an arrogant “autocrat” who ignores the Constitution. Uh, Article VI of that Constitution – “no religious Test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.”

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New Dbacks GM Dave Stewart has fired manager ‪#‎KirkGibson‬. Finally, revenge from that 1988 ‪#‎WorldSeries‬.

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The $228 million Powerball winner in Northern California, Vinh Nguyen, was described as a “nail technician.” At this point the correct phrase should probably be “former nail technician.”

 

Apparently the Redskins were selling “expired” Budweiser beer last night at FedEx field from the 2014 World Cup. Guess Dan Snyder wanted beverages that matched the quality of his team on the field.

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A new Michigan State study found that married couples who met online are three times more likely to divorce than those who met face-to-face. Possibly because many of those couples end up continuing to meet others on line?

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True story from a United Airlines reservation agent dealing with an elite level flyer this morning with a cancelled flight from Chicago-O’Hare. “I’m sorry, but the airport is closed.” “Well then, put me on another airline.” ‪#‎facepalm‬

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Chicago airports reported about 1950 flight cancellations Friday. In other words, it was just like an average winter day for JetBlue.

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As all these pennant races come down to the wire, it must have been tough for MLB to pick headlines, after of course, Derek Jeter’s walk-off hit last night. And #2 was about Phil Hughes missing a $500,000 contract incentive by 1/3 of an inning. #3? “HOF thinks ahead for Jeter induction.” No joke.

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The NFL said today it found no evidence that a video of Ray Rice punching his fiancée was delivered to its headquarters. Presumably on the alleged date, all the league executives were busy anyway, looking for O.J’s “real killer.”

 

So Hunter Pence drops a few, okay, several, F-Bombs, during his clubhouse speech last night. Derek Jeter sits tonight at Fenway and gives Red Sox fans the finger.

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The AP is reporting that in April, a law enforcement official says he mailed the inside-elevator Ray Rice video to the NFL’s security chief, Jeffrey Miller… Next up for Goodell, attacking the credibility of the Post Office.

 

At the Value Voters Summit today, Sarah Palin ranted “Don’t retreat. You reload with truth, which I know is an endangered species at 1400 Pennsylvania Avenue.” Yeah, numbers, another construct of the liberal “lame-stream” media…..

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Turning the calendar.

September 19, 2014

Roger Goodell, 2014. He “believes” nobody in the NFL office saw the Ray Rice video. Roger Goodell, 2012, In suspending Saints coach Sean Payton for a year, “Ignorance is no excuse.”

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Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis’s baby daughter is due any day now. And to show there are no hard feelings, Ashton’s ex-wife Demi Moore is sending over some of his old favorite toys.

 

Florida State just announced they have suspended QB Jameis Winston for the entire game Saturday night against Clemson. Translation: the Seminoles have decided the Tigers weren’t as scary as they thought.

 

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The ‪#‎Cubs‬ magic number is 8. As in “8 more games and we are officially waiting for next year.”

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Pabst Brewing Co, the makers of PBR, Colt 45, Old Milwaukee, Schlitz and Lone Star beer, has been sold to Russian company Oasis. Waiting for Texas Senator Ted Cruz to slam Obama on needing tougher sanctions on Russia now. ‪#‎beer‬ ‪#‎priorities‬

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Roger ‪#‎Goodell‬ said NFL will “get its house in order.” Well, at least he didn’t say he would beat the problem into submission. ‪#‎clueless

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United Airlines now notes on their website what they consider to be the “best” Economy Plus seats you can pay extra to sit in. How long until they start noting the “worst” seats that you need to pay extra to avoid?

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The Cleveland planning commission approved a 10-story-high banner of Lebron James to hang on a downtown wall. In case Lebron changes his mind again, hope the banner will be fireproof.

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Ah, Joe. The Vice President recently admitted it was a “poor choice of words” for him to refer to unscrupulous lenders as “Shylocks.” Of course it could have been worse, many of the people who might have condemned Biden haven’t read Shakespeare and don’t know what the term means.

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Although really, could Joe Biden have gaffed Roger Goodell’s press conference worse than Goodell himself did?

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And for all the meaningless babble in Goodell’s press conference he didn’t say the two words most Americans really wanted to hear  – “I quit.”

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The parents of Honey Boo-Boo, Mama June and Sugar Bear, are splitting up. TMZ reported she found he was signed up for online dating sites. The couple, however, while they have gone through a “commitment ceremony” was never married. Where are the family values / Defense of Marriage folks on this one?

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Apparently thousands of tourists are still stuck in Cabo San Lucas after the hurricane, in uncomfortable situations with limited water and food. In fact, the conditions are almost as bad as they were on the plane flights to Mexico.

 

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They don’t give an award in MLB for “biggest choke job.” But this year there sure are a lot of contenders.

 

According to the NJ Star-Ledger, Rutgers AD Julie Hermann told staff members in a meeting. “[We] have to reach out to our donors, fans, everyone, and we need to touch them. Not in a Jerry Sandusky-type way.” Wow. Is Hermann trying to get hired as a VP of sensitivity training for the NFL.

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Before the fall.

July 13, 2014

About 30,000 fans showed up Saturday at Candlestick Park for the last game ever to be played before the stadium is demolished .  A meaningless SF 49ers flag football game. Wow. Almost as many at the Stick as any 10 random SF Giants weeknight games.

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Nice tribute to Dave Dravecky today at A T and T Park. Did someone tell the SF Giants they didn’t have to honor Dave by pretending to bat with only one arm?

 

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How long has Ryan Vogelsong gone without support? The last time the #SFGiants scored a run when he was on the mound, the #USA was undefeated in the #WorldCup.

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Even as a Giants fan, this is just wrong. As reported by Bruce Jenkins in the SF Chronicle, , if you live in the SF Bay Area, and subscribe to MLB’s TV package, you can watch the Dodgers Sports-Net telecasts with Vin Scully. But 70% of fans in LA are blacked out. #moneymoneymoney

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The Cleveland Indians placed DH Jason Giambi, 43, on the 60 day DL over his sore knee. Bummer. But at least most of Giambi’s medical bills should be paid by Medicare.

 

 

Tiger Woods, feeling good as he approaches the British Open, “I can do whatever I want ” And somewhere Elin Nordegren is thinking “Haven’t we seen this somewhere before?”

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Quite a number of no-shows at today’s #WorldCup third place game. Including apparently the Brazilian team. #BRAvsNED

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Okay, the Lebron Decision sequel is over. But doesn’t it seem like everyone is paying much more attention to all these NBA free agent machinations than they do to the actual season?

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Lebron James’ contract with Cleveland is for just two years? Meaning we could go through this all again in 2016?

 

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A United Airlines flight from Honolulu to Guam had to divert to Midway due to a mechanical problem. Passengers spent several hours on the Island before a replacement plane took them back to Honolulul, and then another plane took them to Guam. United says the passengers were given $500 travel vouchers. Well, that’s a start, but how about all those extra frequent flier miles?

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Rick Perry, attacking fellow Republican Rand Paul’s isolationist strategy called him “curiously blind.” Well if anyone is familiar with the concept of “curiously blind,” it’s the Governor of Texas.

 

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If immigrant children at US border said they were fleeing home because of oppressive gun control would be fun to watch  heads explode.

 

 

From T.C.  “North Korea state news reports that their country has reached the finals of the World Cup, and are preparing to announce victory tomorrow. They have a ready to use Photoshop picture of Kim Jong-un hoisting the trophy. Too bad it’s The Stanley Cup.”

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Filling out those permission slips?

June 30, 2014

 

 

Thinking anyone who is asking or sneaking off from work Tues.to watch USA vs. Belgium should be able to name 2 players on USA Team #WorldCup

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Charming. Waffle House now says that since the U.S. is playing Belgium tomorrow “We support a boycott on Belgian Waffles. We support America. We don’t support Belgian Waffles.” Except that actually in Belgium they have Brussels Waffles and Liege Waffles. Not “Belgian.” And the food that originated in Belgium that Americans really love is French Fries. #nojoke

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Regarding this call for a boycott of Belgian waffles. We’d find out how little Americans, particularly women, care about the World Cup if the call instead had been for a boycott of Belgian chocolate. #priorities.

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The U.S soccer coach apparently thinks Belgium will have an advantage tomorrow with the Algerian referee. Because the U.S. helped eliminate Algeria last time and because the ref speaks French. And how many Americans are thinking “Well, at least he doesn’t speak Belgian?”

 

Apparently thousands of bags were lost and/or delayed by British Airways at Heathrow last weekend. Thousands. And U.S. airlines accused British Airways of bragging.

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So the Supreme Court has ruled for Hobby Lobby. Ready for the first business to sue demanding not to cover Viagra, unless the man is married to a woman of childbearing age. (And not while that woman is pregnant.) And for that matter, why cover vasectomies at all?

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I guess I missed the part in American History when “Freedom of Religion” became “Freedom to Follow MY Religion?” #SCOTUS

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Today’s Supreme Court decision applies to “closely-held” corporations. So if you’re a woman considering working a small business, check the owners’ bumper stickers.

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The emergency evacuation slide on a United Airlines flight from Chicago to Orange County, California accidentally deployed Sunday night, and the plane was diverted to Wichita, Kansas. United is being generous, however, in giving affected passengers free hotel rooms, and waiving their slide fee.

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Lebron James has informed teams that he wants nothing less than the maximum salary for 2014-5, which is projected to be $22.2 million. Because surrounding a few stars with bargain basement players worked out so well this season?

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A new survey found that 47% of U.S. adults said they wouldn’t last 24 hours without their smart phones. The other 53% were no doubt too wrapped up in their phones to answer the survey.

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Someone leaded details of the Houston Astros’ trade discussions to a data sharing website. The team is said to be furious, but come on, who’s going to try to steal negotiation secrets from the Astros?

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Okay, how many casual BayArea fans heard “walk off grand slam loss” and assumed ‪#‎SFGIants‬ instead of ‪#‎OaklandAs‬

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And yes, it is wrong to rejoice in the misery of others. But my first team when I was 8 was the Detroit Tigers, and I have hated the As since they knocked “my” Tigers out of the World Series in 1972. So it’s not just me being an #SFGIants fan that really enjoyed Rajai Davis’s walkoff grand slam.

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General Motors has recalled over 39 million  cars this year. Wow. Who knew GM had sold over 39 million cars?

 

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The San Diego Padres beat the Cincinnati Reds 1-0 today, despite getting only one hit. Not surprising that the Reds – or Padres – hitting was that bad. But how did Cincinnati sweep 4 games from the SFGiants? ‪#‎automaticnoclutch‬

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What’s in a name?

January 2, 2014

Kate Winslet will not give her baby son “Bear” her husband’s last name, which is (legally) “RocknRoll. He will be known as Bear Winslet “Of course we’re not going to call (him) RocknRoll. People might judge all they like, but I’m a (bleeping) grown-up.” And she said it with a (bearly?) straight face

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“Gosh it’s so sad seeing Nick Saban lose” said no one in 49 states. (And in Alabama, no one in Auburn.).

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ESPN headline “Jadeveon Clowney ready to make impact in the NFL.”. Considering his being caught twice over 100 mph let’s hope that impact isn’t in a vehicle.

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Can’t imagine how airlines get the reputation for unfriendly pricing. United Airlines has started offering “Premium Wines” by the glass in their United Club at the airport. Like Mark West Pinot Noir at $13. Average retail price for a BOTTLE of the wine as of today – $10, discounted as low as $6.99.

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On Monday, Vikings LB Erin Henderson talked about his DUI arrest Nov. 19 and said “You start to learn a lot about yourself when things can go wrong or bad, if you’re willing to try to learn, if you’re willing to look in the mirror and figure things out. And I think I was able to do that.” On Wednesday, Henderson was arrested again for DUI. Even Lindsay Lohan is thinking that’s a slow learning curve.

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Disappointing to fly back from the Rose Bowl after a Stanford loss. On the other hand, Palo Alto, sunny today with a high of 70. East Lansing, snowy today with a high of 14.

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Maybe just maybe David Shaw kept running up the middle in yesterday’s Rose Bowl because he figured MSU would think Stanford couldn’t possibly be crazy enough to keep doing it and would guess “pass”?

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Over 90,000 attendees at the 2014 Rose Bowl. And only one of them thought Stanford would eventually succeed running up the middle. Unfortunately for Cardinal fans, that one was their coach.

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Mayor Rob Ford has filed papers to run for re-election. Not sure about the citizens of Toronto, but this is excellent news for comedy writers.

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Why there is no satire: A man who won a contest last year to meet the cast of “Breaking Bad” back in September has been arrested on drug charges. (Yeah, you guessed the state. And no, not New Mexico.)

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The next GOP strategy to overturn Obamacare will apparently be to focus on potential security issues with the website. Eric Cantor is saying that Americans shouldn’t have to worry “if they can trust the government to inform them when their personal information — entered into a government mandated website — has been compromised.” Right, on the other hand if banks, stores or social media compromise personal data, well, that’s just a risk of capitalism.

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And in the comedy comes from pain department, Dwight Perry liked one of yesterday’s Rose Bowl jokes.  It’s a great Seattle Times sports humor column.  http://seattletimes.com/html/sidelinechatter/2022586190_chatter03xml.html

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