Posted tagged ‘San Francisco Giants jokes’

Why is this night different?

April 12, 2017

 

SF Giants win tonight after a rally  started by Matt Cain double. A miracle has occurred. As my son points out, it’s Passover. @SFGiants

Melvin Upton Jr has signed a AAA contract with the SF Giants. He batted .238 last year with the Padres & Blue Jays. Which right about now would make him the Giants top hitting outfielder not named Hunter Pence.

Apparently Mark Cuban, who honored Tony Romo before last night’s Mavericks game, wanted to have Romo suit up and maybe even get in the game briefly. But commissioner Adam Silver nixed the idea, and coach Rick Carlisle said he was an “athlete that’s not ready to play in an NBA game.”
Well, heck, that hasn’t stopped the Lakers.

So many meaningless games at the end of the NBA season.   Differing at least in intensity from the meaningless games during most of the NBA season.

Some worries now about North Korea having nukes that could reach the West Coast of the U.S. If so, we can only hope Kim Jon-Un fires them towards Dodger Stadium during first inning of a game, so no fans will get hurt. #bustohell

 

Apologizing, finally, United dropped their proposed slogan “Oligarchies mean never having to say you’re sorry.”

United will refund everyone’s tickets on plane where man was dragged off last Sunday. Will the refunds be less a nominal entertainment fee?

Trump in a NY Post interview about negative stories in the media “many of those sources are made up and I don’t believe them. Let them reveal their sources.”
Translation, so I can fire them.

Spicer apologized for Hitler comment, waiting for him also to acknowledge many Jews murdered in Holocaust WERE German, “his own people.”

 

Trump talking about the missile strikes during dinner with China’s President XI. “We had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you’ve ever seen and President Xi was enjoying it. And I was given the message from the generals that ‘The ships are locked and loaded. What do you do?’ And we made the determination to do it, so the missiles are on the way.”
Good to know his priorities are in the right place. Assume the cake was from Trump Grill?

Lawyers for Summer Zervos, a former “Apprentice” contestant suing Trump for denying that he groped & kissed her on the show, are questioning Donald’s assertion that he is immune from lawsuits as President.
Can someone please interview Paula Jones for her opinion?

Well-stuffed

July 10, 2012

“Well-stuffed”  – referring to the job San Francisco fans did with the ballot box.

 

That deafening silence you heard after the top of the All-Star game five run top of the first inning was coming from Mets fans who wanted Wright to start the All-Star game.

After tonight, SF Giants batters have to be petitioning MLB for permission to wear orange spikes during regular season.

Says Gary M.  “About 1/2-way through tonight’s All-Star game, Bryce Harper asked Melky Cabrera, “How much for those clown shoes, bro?”

 

Back to the regular season…. Phil Mickelson apparently part of a group planning to buy the San Diego Padres. Anyone ever told Phil that on a baseball diamond low scores are not necessarily a good thing?

If Giants fans had started stuffing the ballot box sooner the AL might not have had that seven game All-Star winning streak.

 

How long until the New York Yankees tell MLB Commissioner Bud Selig this All-Star game determining home field advantage stuff is not acceptable.

 

Former PSU pres. Graham Spanier told university investigators that he was never told that Jerry Sandusky was seen molesting a boy in a school shower. Ah for the good old days of being a scumbag. It was so much easier to burn notes than to erase emails….

 

United Airlines today announced that they will reinstate their San Francisco to Paris nonstop in April 2013. Tomorrow they will announce that all frequent flyer free and upgraded tickets on that route are full.

 

 

The GOP has a very different problem from 2008. Then they had a presidential candidate who couldn’t remember. Now they have one who hopes that we can’t remember.

A yoga teacher with a cellphone ban in class was fired from Facebook after making an employee turn the phone off during one of her classes. Guess the employee just HAD to update her status to “I’m feeling really relaxed learning yoga.”

 

Texas Governor Rick Perry compared Medicaid to the Titanic. Interesting that Perry picked as a metaphor one of the only things in history that sunk faster than his Presidential campaign.

 

From Marc Ragovin:  Mitt Romney’s advisers say that his Swiss and Cayman Islands bank accounts are all part of his longstanding practice of investing globally. Hence his new campaign slogan: Putting America Somewhere Between First and Sixth.

To text or not to text, that should have been the question.

April 12, 2012

Fired Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino, 51, apparently exchanged 4300 texts with Jessica Dorrell, 25, in the last seven months. Shocking! A 51 year old man knows how to text?

Uh, this is not your 2011 San Francisco Giants. WTF?! Great hitting, shaky starting pitching…. Is it time to switch the uniform to black and orange pinstripes?

It’s early days but don’t hear all those SF Giants fans complaining now about the team not signing Lincecum to more than a two year contract.

The NCAA put Baylor’s men’s and women’s basketball on 3 years of probation plus reduced scholarships after an investigation into major recruiting phone and text violations. The teams, however, will not need to vacate wins or their women’s championship. Sounds like the university is about ready to join the SEC.

Baylor women’s coach Kim Mulkey “Any compliance-related mistakes, even those that are secondary, are disappointing. The majority of mistakes in this matter were errors in sending text messages and failure to accurately document our phone calls.” Wow. Sounds like she has a great future in politics.


Giants Rockies game starts at 110p Colorado time today. The teams hope to finish in time for Rockies starter Jamie Moyer to make his Early Bird Special reservation.//

Bill Parcells says that while he was approached about the New Orleans Saints job he is “staying retired.” “Amateur,” responded Brett Favre.

All these Miami fans who don’t want to go to Marlins game because Ozzie Guillen said something stupid about Castro… Yes, it was stupid, and offensive, but for another example, liberal Boston fans didn’t avoid Fenway when Curt Schilling campaigned in 2004 for George W. Bush.

Wisconsin state senator Glenn Grothman said that women make less money because “money is more important for men.” Clearly this idiot has never been to a shoe sale.

Sherri Shepherd from “the View” was bounced from “Dancing with the Stars” last night. What a shame said millions of women, what’s “the View” said millions of men?

Florida Rep. Allen West said Tuesday at a town hall that he’s “heard” as many as 80 House Democrats are communists. With Rick Santorum out of the Presidential race is West just trying to fill a void for the whack job contingent?

Newt Gingrich said his campaign’s $500 bounced check to file for the Utah primary was just “one of those goofy things.” And millions of Americans who are unemployed or living paycheck to paycheck said “Yeah, just hilarious.”

You think you have a tough job. How’d you like to do jury selection for the George Zimmerman trial in Florida?

Just think how much less worldwide outrage there would be had George Zimmerman felt threatened by Casey Anthony.

It could be worse.

August 31, 2011

When the SF Giants lost a number of close games on a recent road trip, some fans said, “Cheer up, it could be worse. And the team is coming home to play the Astros and Cubs, two of the worst teams in baseball.”

They were right. It could be worse. And it is worse.

When the Arizona Diamondbacks were in a slump, manager Kirk Gibson cancelled batting practice. Maybe the SF Giants should try the same thing. Not like the batting practice is helping anyway.


How bad are things going for the SF Giants this month? Their fans are getting sympathy cards postmarked from Wrigley Field.


Scary statistic for SF Giants fans. Carlos Beltran since the trade has 4 RBIs total. Shortstop Brandon Crawford, now back in the minors, did that his first day in the majors with a grand slam.

An SF Giants employee was charged with embezzling $1.5 million from team payroll accounts. Apparently the team frowns on taking money without earning it. Unless you signed a free agent contract.


These days opposing pitchers worry about facing the Giants the way the Lions worried about facing Christians.

The NCAA has punished current University of Miami football players implicated in the benefits scandal. They were all ordered to repay the improper benefits, but four were cleared to play, and four others must just sit out the first game against Maryland. No word on on what kind of ruler the NCAA used to slap the players’ wrists.

Jeremy Shockey apparently saved one of his new Carolina Panthers teammates from choking today. Shame he couldn’t have saved the Saints last year from choking in the playoffs against the Seahawks.


Bill Littlejohn’s take on the same story: “Jeremy Shocky helped save a teammate that was choking on a piece of meat by dislodging it from his throat. Bruce Bochy immediately sent for him to perform the same maneuver on Giants’ bats”

Despite being bashed by Dick Cheney in his memoirs, John McCain took the high road and “From time to time, we have had differences, as is typical for anyone in public life. I wish the Vice President well and that he remains in good health.” (Rumor has it McCain then quietly added “It’s amazing that modern medicine allows for people to live now without either a heart or a brain.”)


With Texas A & M apparently on the way out of the Big 12, the conference will be looking for new members. If they want a team whose talent level would fit in well, may I suggest the SF 49ers?


Organizers for a tea party rally in Iowa Tuesday blamed an
“internal miscommunication over the event’s schedule” resulting in their rescinding a speaking slot Tuesday for former GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell. The organizers also blamed random chance for two of them discovering they had been turned into toads.


Now that the rape charges against him have been dropped, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who always maintained he was simply a scumbag, not a rapist, is considering a run for the Presidency of France. And some are not ruling him out. Meanwhile, the French may be getting a dual citizenship request, from Bill Clinton.

Tim Pawlenty apparently quit the GOP Presidential race after the Iowa straw poll because his campaign was already heavily in debt. Over six months before the primaries even started. And T-Paw was running as someone who could fix the U.S economy and balance the budget…..

The King is dead, long live the …?

August 20, 2011

Burger King has apparently decided to stop using their creepy King mascot. Republicans responded to this news with – “Yet another job loss we can blame on President Obama.”

Not getting this. All the GOP Presidential contenders say that Obama’s actions are making the economy worse. But they are calling on him to come home from vacation. Uh, if what he does hurts the economy, wouldn’t it be better for him to stay away?


These days the San Francisco Giants are practicing an “Abstinence only” offense: No scoring.


Some think the SF Giants just really need to get their confidence up by batting against a pitcher they can hit. Wonder if they could get a pickup game with a contender in the Little League World Series.


from T.C. A bat on board grounded a Delta regional flight to Atlanta. It wasn’t the plane carrying the SF Giants, cause we all know they don’t have any bats.

The Chicago Cubs fired GM Jim Hendry after nine years. Nine years. It took the team that long to figure out Hendry wasn’t going to get them to the World Series? That’s like saying it took Hillary Clinton nine years to figure out Bill wasn’t going to be a faithful husband.


With one of the highest payrolls and worst records in MLB, the Chicago Cubs on Friday announced they had fired GM Jim Hendry. According to ESPN.com the actual firing was July 22, but Hendry wanted to help the team by staying on through the July 31 trading deadline. Uh, if he were “helping” the team as GM, wouldn’t Hendry still be employed?

Bristol Palin has had a “T” tattoed on her right foot to signify family – as she said “Track, Trigg, Tripp and Todd.” Don’t forget “Trash.”

Once again there are reports out of 49ers training camp that “Alex Smith looks good in practice.” What’s the reverse corollary of bad dress rehearsal – good play?


Christine O’Donnell is now claiming that she walked out on the interview with Piers Morgan because he was sexually harassing here. O’Donnell may not have won her Senate race but she has accomplished something more difficult – making Piers Morgan seem almost sympathetic.


Texas Governor Rick Perry when asked if he believes in evolution – “It’s a theory that’s out there.” Shame no one can ask God if He/She believes in Rick Perry.


During his time at Texas A & M, Rick Perry was a “yell leader,” not a cheerleader, a “yell leader.” (They lead the crowd in chants at sporting events but don’t do flips etc.) On the official A & M yell leader website it states, “It is not uncommon for more than twice as many students to vote for yell leader candidates than vote in the Student Body President elections. In Texas, why am I not surprised

PGA – Pretty Gawd Awful ratings.

August 14, 2011

How the mighty have fallen. PGA tour and television executives originally hoped for a finish with a battle between Tiger Woods and Rory McIlroy or Phil Mickelson. Now it’s, well, the five players atop the PGA Championship leaderboard all have U.S. passports.


With apologies to Abbott and Costello, this year’s tournament could be subtitled “Who’s in first?”

Alex Rodriguez, still not talking to the media about those poker allegations, went 0-3 in his second minor league rehab start. A-Rod said he wasn’t complaining about his performance, and was just playing the hand he was dealt.


Barry Zito apparently reinjured his right foot in a rehab start in Fresno. No word on which member of the San Francisco Giants management allegedly put the rusty nail on the mound.


The Cubs’ suspended Carlos Zambrano for 30 days after his latest meltdown. Word has it Cubs management was considering a stiffer punishment – trading their mercurial pitcher to the Houston Astros.


Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw poll. This was great news for many Tea Partiers and all comedy writers.


Open note to everyone who thinks that Michele Bachmann’s win in the Iowa straw poll means she will be the GOP nominee, first ask GOP 2008 straw poll winner Mike Huckabee. And to all who think the Iowa primary winner will end up in the White House, ask 2008 winner Mitt Romney.


Meanwhile, wonder if Michele Bachmann will have to retire her endless refrain about being born in Waterloo.

It might have helped her in Iowa, but in the rest of the country anyone who studied history thinks of Napoleon, and anyone near baby-boomer age thinks of Abba.

Ron Artest now says he will definitely play in the U.K. this year. Londoners celebrated by making his”Meta World Peace” jersey the most popular choice to be looted.


Rough start for Coach Jim Harbaugh with the 49ers. Maybe he got cocky about being able to deal with playing professional teams after all those Stanford games against USC.


Lately Tim Lincecum has become the SF Giants equivalent of a great NFL quarterback. Leading his team to a win a week.


And yes, a tip of the hat to all readers who thought reading that other teams spelling relief as “G-i-a-n-t-s H-i-t-t-i-n-g.” that the hyphen could be moved from between the T and the S to the S and the H.


Walmart severed relations with one of the nation’s largest blueberry growers, after it was reported that the grower uses child labor -including kids as young as five years old, in their field.

Walmart stated they are totally against such practices and believe that kids should have the chance to be kids before they grow up to become exploited Walmart employees.

Dead cat bounces?

August 11, 2011

A “dead cat bounce” (apologies to my cats) is a term used to describe a stock or stocks that crash, and bounce up briefly, but end up falling down again. Hence, they are dead cats and the bounce is an illusion.

So which on Tuesday will turn out to be the deader cat bounce. The stock market’s one-day rise of 430 points? Or the San Francisco Giants’ 6-0 win over Pittsburgh?

(Wednesday the market fell over 500 points and the Giants lost 9-2, to a Pittsburgh team that had lost 11 of 12, and to a pitcher on a four game losing streak.)


My friend Rich opined that the Giants might need to “kick some asses.” With all due respect, these days if they tried to kick ass, the Giants would swing and miss.


NBA players are scrambling for something to do during the lockout. Lebron James indicates he won’t play in Europe. Instead he might star in a remake of “Wedding Crashers.” At least that way Lebron will get close to some rings.


Jacksonville Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio has announced he has now forbidden rookie hazing. I guess he figures playing in Jacksonville is punishment enough.

Sometimes no punchline can top reality: Rex Grossman today predicted the Redskins would win the NFC East.


The Toronto Blue Jays have been accused of stealing signs, allegedly with a man dressed in white in the outfield, waving his arms around to indicate the pitch.

Actually considering the records, lineups, and most importantly payrolls of the teams in front of the Jays, maybe the fan in white is just signifying surrender.

Sarah Palin is relaunching her “One Nation” bus tour this week in Iowa in advance of the GOP straw poll. According to a fundraising solicitation for Sarah PAC, the bus is also scheduled to travel to the boyhood homes of Harry S. Truman and Ronald Reagan (Independence, MO and Dixon, IL). Which means the tour will quit somewhere in the middle of Missouri.


Texas Governor Rick Perry told the Dallas Morning News that his alma mater, Texas A&M is considering moving to the SEC for football. Yeah, you can tell Perry is thinking of running for President, he’s focusing on the issues that are really important to Americans.


Nigel Lythgoe, an executive producer for “American Idol” said today Jennifer Lopez will return to judge another season. Is this what they call a “behind” the scene report?


Tiger Woods seems to be trying to avoid controversy these days. Wood said he texted Steve Williams to congratulate his former caddie on the win Sunday. Tiger would have avoided a lot more than controversy if he had just stuck to texting Williams in the first place..


During the FAA impasse when airlines were not collecting the 7.5 percent U.S. domestic tax, our travel agency had exactly ONE client ask about getting the tax back for tickets he had booked in May for early August. This client is a multimillionaire. And some wonder how the rich stay rich.

Deer in the spotlights?

August 7, 2011

So MLB has warned players against using a spray made from deer antlers. So how will they test for it? Play “Bambi” in the clubhouse and see who starts crying uncontrollably?

Justin Verlander of the Detroit Tigers is 16-5 in 2011 with a 2.30 ERA. With the San Francisco Giants he might be 9-11.


Phrase I am getting REALLY REALLY tired of hearing on the SF Giants postgame show. “Fill-in-name-of-Giants-pitche​r pitched a great game and didn’t deserve to lose today.”


Tiger Woods is 13 shots off the lead in his first tournament in months, and the current leader, Adam Scott, is using Steve Williams, the caddie Woods just fired.

If Scott wins, and even if he just comes close but way ahead of Tiger, I’d like to tip my hat to karma. For being a really impressive bitch.


Brett Favre quashed rumors that he is considering returning to the NFL with the Miami Dolphins, saying he doesn’t have “any interest.” Translation, he is waiting for an offer from a better team.

This week is the DEF CON convention in Las Vegas. It’s a 15,000-person gathering of computer hackers. Which answers the question – When do Vegas prostitutes take their vacations?


The Yankees’ C.C. Sabathia has six losses this year, four to Boston. So wonder when C.C will call the Red Sox his daddy?


Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly says he won’t pick his starting quarterback until 10 days before the season opener. Makes sense, that not only gives him time to watch the four contenders in practice, but also means his final choice will have less time to get suspended or arrested.

Open note to Tony Bruno: I completely understand saying something stupid because you are angry -i.e. SF Giants mgr “Bochy is a coward for having his illegal alien pitcher hit a guy”

But saying “saying I apologize for my comments regarding illegal aliens,but I stand behind my comments that Bochy is a coward, People resorting to name calling are more classless and vile.” Uh,Tony, you could have had us at “I apologize.”

Tiger Woods struggled again today while playing his first tournament in months. Beginning to wonder -what if illicit sex with random women WAS his performance enhancing drug?

Texas Governor (and probable presidential candidate) Rick Perry spoke at a prayer meeting and said it was to “rally the nation to a Christian unity.” Now, it’s been a while since I studied history, but wasn’t the point for those on the Mayflower to set sail for religious freedom.


San Francisco and Philadelphia are waiting for MLB to announce suspensions from last night’s brawl. One person involved who probably will escape suspension – Giants hitting coach Hensley Meulens. Because there hasn’t been any evidence he’s been doing anything lately anyway

Don’t bet on it.

August 4, 2011

Alex Rodriguez allegedly participated in illegal underground poker games, and MLB sources say he could face suspension. The Yankees are just hoping if so that the suspension is during the playoffs, since A-Rod seldom does much then anyway

To make this potential scandal worse, Alex Rodriguez had already been warned in 2005 about gambling in underground poker clubs by the Yankees and Bud Selig. Looks like A-Rod may have thought it was double or nothing.


Being “old-school” used to mean writing on paper. Now it means being addicted to using a keyboard instead of an iPad or iPhone.


Anheiser-Busch is trying to revive week sales in the U.S. for its flagship brand Budweiser. Wednesday they unveiled a new design for their cans. Uh, how about trying something radical like trying to improve the beer?


From T.C., with the signing of Plaxico Burress, the NY Giants have officially quashed their “Take No Prisoners” mantra.


The San Francisco 49ers unveiled a plastic model of their proposed new stadium in Santa Clara. Makes sense, led by Alex Smith, the 49ers may be a pretty good plastic model of a football team.


Since he was made an emergency starter April 28, Ryan Vogelsong is 9-1 with a league best 2.19 ERA for the San Francisco Giants. Just think, had the Giants given up on Barry Zito earlier, Vogelsong could be the leading candidate for the NL CY Young.


Notwithstanding today’s 8-1 rout of the D’Backs, the Giants have been worrying their fans lately. Meanwhile, across the bay in Oakland, A’s fans have a response to put San Francisco’s woes in perspective. Four words – “Swept by the Mariners.


Until today’s 8-1 win the Giants had never scored more than 6 runs in a game at home all year. Gary Morton said went looking for the game on TV this afternoon, saw the score, and figured he had accidentally tuned into the Sci-Fi channel.


A peacock flew the coop from the Central Park Zoo and hung out on a FIfth Avenue apartment ledge for almost 24 hours. But the bird returned on his own this morning. Yeah, it’s tough to find good long-term subsidized housing in New York.


Since Congress recessed without approving FAA funding, 4,000 FAA employees and 70,000 airport construction workers have been furloughed. Maybe we could have solved this sooner, along with the debt crisis, if we had put all members of Congress on a jumbo jet on some runway, and not let them off until they had a deal.


Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he supports states’ right to allow gay marriage — but he also supports a constitutional amendment to ban it. What is it with folks like Perry, Mitt Romney and John Kerry? Their positions don’t last as long as their hair gel.


In the midst of all the name-calling in D.C., Sarah Palin jumped in saying that if Tea-partiers were “domestic terrorists President Obama wouldn’t have a problem palling around with us. He didn’t have a problem palling around with Bill Ayers back in the day.” “Bill Ayers?” At this point? Does Sarah still have his name in Sharpie on her palm?

Hitting the ceiling.

August 3, 2011

Congressional Black Caucus chair Emanuel Cleaver called the final debt ceiling deal a “sugar-coated Satan sandwich.”

Really? Doesn’t that title already belong to the Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburger? (Yes, it is a burger using doughnuts as buns.)


The San Francisco Giants have now lost five straight – Tuesday night 6 to 1- and haven’t scored four runs in over a week.


Showtime is doing a series on the team called the Franchise.

Wonder how long it will take someone to do a movie on the Giants’ lineup? It will be a remake of “Eight Men Out.”
.

(Or maybe “Eight Men Out” is the Jeopardy answer to the question. What usually happens when the Giants position players each have a turn at bat with runners in scoring position?)


The San Francisco Giants seem to have accomplished the impossible. Take a weak hitting team, add two .300 hitters(Beltran and Keppinger), and start hitting…worse?

Barry Zito is now back on the Disabled List for the San Francisco Giants. “Disabled?” Actually the NFL has a better list title for players in his condition: “Physically Unable to Perform.”


Any truth to the rumors that as Congress left town they let out a collective cry of “Winning?!”


Congress went right from the debt bill to summer recess. Without addressing the FAA issue which has resulted in domestic air taxes (and thus funding for air travel projects) lapsing. United Airlines celebrated today by raising international airfares $40.00. You’d think if Congress really wanted higher approval ratings they would get together on re-regulating the airlines.


Meanwhile, Colorado Rep. Doug Lamborn apologized for calling President Obama a “tar baby.” and said he “absolutely intended no offense.” Really? With the term “tar baby?” This settles it. Lamborn is either a liar or an idiot.


A New Jersey politician (who at least has been separated from his wife for two years) is under fire since nude pictures he sent to a woman he was flirting with online showed up on the internet. I think I can speak for all Americans in saying, “Thank heaven it wasn’t Chris Christie.”


Rumor has it that both Kelsey Grammer and Alec Baldwin are both considering future runs for Mayor of New York City. Guess the strategy is, get your scandals out there BEFORE running for office.


from Gary Morton:

After signing legislation to raise the debt ceiling, the President saw the stock market plunge 266 points. Guess they should have been working on the debt basement.

Batting clean-up?

July 1, 2011

One of those pictures worth a thousand words.  Brian Wilson of the SF Giants after blowing consecutive saves for only the second time in his career.

 

The Giants did win 4-3 in extra innings.  But San Francisco starter Madison Bumgarner ended up with a no-decision, after 7 plus scoreless innings and nine strikeouts. 

One of many phrases I would like to nominate for retirement – “Another great pitching outing wasted due to the Giants lack of offense.”

The team’s new slogan?  “San Francisco Giants – redefining torture since 2010.”

(and yes, I know, Cubs fans have NO sympathy.)

Maria Shriver has filed for divorce from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Wonder if Arnold married a Kennedy because he thought they were bred to overlook infidelity. if so he forgot about the concept of evolution.

 

The SEC announced their top athletes of the year, and the male athlete was tennis player John-Patrick Smith, not Cam Newton. SEC commissioner Mike Slive called Smith an “outstanding example of what a student-athlete can accomplish, both on and off the field.” I guess even Slive had a hard time imagining referring to Cam Newton as a “student-athlete.”

(my friend Tony Banks adds – Cam Newton a student?  Fig Newton attended more classes.)

Last week during the Nascar race at Sonoma, driver Tony Stewart intentionally spun fellow driver Brian Vickers because he felt the guy was blocking him. Then Vickers retaliated by wrecking Stewart’s car. And now Tony has vowed to wreck ANY driver who blocks him on the track. Charming. But NASCAR television ratings may go through the roof.

Forget the Sprint Cup championship.  NASCAR may need to add a separate category for demolition derby.

Another reason Americans might have had to celebrate Canada Day. This year the CFL may be the only professional football we get. (Well, outside of USC, Ohio State and the SEC.)

Most Americans aren’t following the whole debt ceiling controversy in Washington, saying it’s too complicated to understand. On the other hand, many of those same Americans would have no trouble explaining the minutiae of the Casey Anthony case.

 

 

The happiest place on earth?

June 26, 2011

The happiest city in New York today? Could be Niagara Falls. Years ago it actuallywas the country’s top honeymoon destination.

My friend Ben Pesta commented that  that now the Falls will “be the jumping-off spot for members of various Defense of Marriage organizations.”

(an aside for what it’s worth – the top honeymoon destination in the U.S. today?   Walt Disney World, seriously.)

One group that has been protesting against gay marriage in New York is the Norwich Tea Party Patriots –  Whose motto on their website says   ‘Fiscal responsibility, limited government, free market.”

Let’s see, higher taxes for married couples, govt out of the way, market choices….hmm.

Actually polls in New York showed public opinion was strongly in favor of gay marriage. Of course, let’s see if this holds up.  Especially in New York City next June – you think it was hard to get a wedding caterer before….

Fox baseball announcers said Saturday for the SF Giants to win they need to get two-out hits with men in scoring position.  Uh, why start now?

And as it turned out, they didn’t get any hits with men in scoring position, the same as Friday, and still won, the same as Friday.

Of course, the Giants were playing the equally offensively challenged Cheveland Indians. In fact, Saturday, the two teams combined for fewer hits than at a Taylor Hicks concert.

Good pitching, decent hitting, no defense. Forget “Don’t Stop Believing.”  The San Francisco Giants theme song should be “Two out of three ain’t bad.”

Due to a make-up game the Detroit Tigers have to play this week, the Giants will not have to face Justin Verlander.  Which even San Francisco fans have to feel a little disappointed about – how often do you have that good a chance to watch a no-hitter?

 

Saturday night was the Gold Cup soccer final between the U.S. and Mexico at the Rose Bowl just outside Los Angeles. Which probably was a big home field advantage. If so, U.S. fans couldn’t quite help their team overcome it.

Joe Maddon, 57, is endorsing “One A Day 50 Plus Advantage” vitamins. If sales are going well, wonder how long it will take the company to start producing “80 Plus Advantage” vitamins for Jack McKeon?

And finally, now that New York has legalized gay marriage, here’s a slightly tangential serious question for readers: Do you think an active male professional athlete playing a team sport in the U.S. will come out of the closet in this decade? And if so in what sport?

 (No prizes, but since the internet is forever, a response that turns out to be correct in comments will give you serious bragging rights.)

 

Batmen? In San Francisco?

September 17, 2010

Do not adjust your sets. Yes, that Giants 10 – Dodgers 2 score tonight didn’t mean the broadcasters accidentally put a “0” after SF’s “1” in the line score.


The Giants actually scored more runs tonight that they scored in the last five games. And yes, earlier Thursday before the game, I wrote this and posted it on Facebook.

“Former SF Giant Kevin Mitchell has been charged with assault for punching a man during an argument at a Southern California golf course. Shame it wasn’t one of the 2010 Giants who got into that altercation, most of them would have just swung and missed”

Maybe I should insult the Giants hitting more often.


For anyone who wonders how to pronounce my name, it’s the same as Aubrey Huff. (Wonder if I can claim him as a distant relative?) Go Giants!

Meanwhile, across the Bay, Oakland didn’t sell out their Sunday home opener against the St. Louis Rams so it will be blacked out in the Bay Area. Which means we will find out the answer to a variation on an old question. “If the Raiders fall in a stadium and nobody sees them, do they still suck?”

A joint joke with Marc Ragovin – Regarding all those crimes in New York committed by people wearing Yankees caps: Of course this doesn’t count the crooks guilty of serious grand larceny, who work in the Yankees ticket department.


Meg Whitman announced today that she has now given a total of $119 million to her election campaign. Whitman also said she would announce her position on Prop 23 (which would repeal climate change legislation) “in the next 10 days.”

Since Meg’s been running for over a year, you’d think by now she might have used some of that money to figure out which side she was on?


And Carly Fiorina said in response to allegations that HP used bribes in Russia to increase market share when she was CEO, that “HP was a company with 156,000 people,” she said. ‘”No single person can know everything that goes on.”

Uh, anyone want to tell Carly that she is running for a position where she will represent over 36 million people?


According to Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina’s campaigns, Nancy Reagan, 89, has endorsed both of them. Guess the former first lady has decided she really wants to support young women getting into politics.


From Jim Barach, maybe more true than funny: The new “Sky Rider” seat will be unveiled soon which will allow airlines to put even more passengers on each plane. The seats will have only 23 inches of legroom.

The seats are designed in line with the needs of anorexic dwarfs who love to travel.

(Stay tuned, how long until a “premium” seat fee becomes a “actual seat” fee.

Do as I say….

May 28, 2010

Pablo Sandoval, all 260 cuddly pounds of him, more or less, has started working with elementary school students to promote physical fitness. Not that we don’t love “the Panda,” but isn’t him advising kids on being in shape like the rest of the Giants team advising them on hitting?


Or choose your punchline…

Isn’t the heaviest man on the Giants advising kids about physical fitness like…

John Edwards dispensing relationship advice?

Lindsay Lohan encouraging responsible behavior?

The Chicago Cubs discussing winning philosophies?

Bristol Palin preaching abstinence? (Oops, never mind)

The Oakland Raiders have filed a grievance against JaMarcus Russell, seeking back almost $10 million of the money they have paid him, presumably because of his disappointing and uninspired performance. Is this a great idea? If the judge rules in the team’s favor, how long before season ticket holders in turn file a grievance against the Raiders?


Skytrax came out with their annual list of the top ten World’s Best Airlines. Not surprisingly no U.S. carriers were on the list. With all due respect, it’s hard to imagine U.S. airlines even making the top ten list for North America.

John McCain is inexplicably strongly opposed to the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” That may be because at his age it’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Remember.”


Since a new neighbor, Joe McGinniss is writing a book about her, Sarah Palin is building a tall fence around her home in Wasilla. In related news, Russia announced cutbacks in their anti-surveillance budget.

Whoever said “Practice makes perfect?” It certainly wasn’t anyone who’s been following the University of Michigan football team.


Jerry Brown has announced he has $20 million available for his fall gubernatorial campaign. And Meg Whitman responded “$20 million, isn’t that cute?”


from my funny friend Marc Ragovin – tweaked just a little:

According to the BBC, a recent study has concluded that condoms manufactured to international standards are too big for the majority of Indian men. I guess that explains the country’s cricket league’s slogan: “Chicks Dig The Short Ball.”

And in the equally tacky department, Barack Obama, increasingly frustrated with BP, apparently said today “Just plug the damn hole.”

Funny, apparently that’s about the same thing one of Tiger’s girlfriends said in response to one of his sexting messages.

San Francisco Giants hitting and other myths…

May 3, 2009

So the San Francisco Giants won another 1-0 game.  After they lost a 5-1 game. And won a 3-2 game.  Three games, five runs, and this time they won two of three.  

It’s enough to make you turn to a high scoring sport like soccer.

Actually Giants management says they would like to trade for a good hitter, but revenue is down. 

Have they considered that one reason revenue is down is because they don’t have any good hitters?

“Mine that Bird, ” a 50-1 longshot, won the Kentucky Derby.   The 3 year old gelding beat some expensive horses flown by private jet from the Mideast.  But he travelled across country to Churchill Downs with a 21 hour drive in a basic horse trailer pulled behind a pickup truck.    I see a potential lucrative endorsement contract from Southwest Airlines.

The New York Mets have banned local newspapers from their clubhouse in an effort to keep players from reading negative stories about the team’s lousy start.  Across the city, the Yankees are insulating their bullpen by simply banning newspapers written in English.

Two members of the New Orleans Saints were arrested and charged with 3 counts including obscenity, disturbing the peace and lewd conduct.  New Orleans officials issued a statement saying they were very disappointed. Normally the Saints only embarrass themselves on the field

As the Youtube video of Condoleezza Rice arguing with a Stanford student receives more and more global attention, one question comes to mind.  How can you be smart enough to be chosen as Secretary of State, and dumb enough not to realize that these days, everyone in the world has a camera phone?