Posted tagged ‘All-Star jokes’

Flat Earth Society

February 18, 2017

Uh oh, now it’s Draymond Green When asked if he, like Kyrie Irving, believes the world to be flat, Green replied, “I don’t know. I haven’t done enough research. But it may be flat.”
Speaking of research, maybe it wasn’t just the NFL that should have been paying attention to concussions?

 

Kyrie Irving came in second to Eric Gordon in the NBA All-Star 3 point shooting contest. That damn curvature of the earth strikes again.

 

Lebron James “Kyrie is my little brother. If he decides the earth is flat, that’s okay.”

Uh, isn’t one of the jobs of a big brother to tell a little brother when he’s being stupid?

Kyrie Irving is questioning whether dinosaurs existed. Fool, he could have just asked  Tim Duncan, who lived with them. @Spurs

No spring training games, NBA and college basketball games don’t mean anything yet….this is the time of year when ABC’s Wide World of Sports used to give up and show cliff diving.

Local NBC news talking about NBA All-Star weekend “The biggest party in the country is happening this weekend in New Orleans.” Excuse me, on most weekends, the biggest party in the country is happening  in New Orleans.

 

According to Melbourne Police, 9,000 attendees at #TrumpRally today. 9,000?! Even Miami Marlins are thinking that’s a small crowd.

 

Give  Trump credit. How long has it been since most Americans were genuinely disappointed that SNL was taking a weekend off?

Today is #NationalDrinkWineDay. Give @realDonaldTrump for increasingly at least one segment of retail sales.

Spotted at Trump rally in Florida, one man with a t-shirt for the conspiracy site InfoWars, while another wore a “Grab America by the Pussy” shirt. #stayclassy

Still attacking Hillary at #TrumpRally. Someone should tell this man that after winning, the true greats don’t keep dissing their opponents.

 

What is truly amazing is that a man who is basically a media creation views that media as the enemy.

Now Trump is talking about the “Southern White House” Jefferson Davis must be so proud.

 

Trump said he “inherited a mess.” From USA Today “Jobs have been growing for 75 straight months — a record.” Well, he’ll fix that.

#TrumpRally– “I am here because I want to be among my friends.” Anyone but me thinking someone should have given this man a puppy?

 

Trump says Obamacare is “a tragedy, a real tragedy.” Uh, no, Obamacare may be flawed; being without healthcare is a tragedy.

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Enough already

July 7, 2016

Most people are good, most police are good.  Guns make it too easy for the assholes.

 

dallas

(picture taken earlier tonight during the protest.)

 

It really is awful news out of ‪#‎Dallas‬. Not even sure what questions to ask. But more and bigger guns are NOT the answer.

 

 

So every time we see a terrorist attack anywhere around the world many want to make America a lot less of a free country. And yet, when we have shootings, even mass shootings, here at home, those same people wouldn’t dream of making it even a little harder to get guns.

Not that the jokes are more important, but laughter does beat crying….So back to the attempts at humor:

 

#‎KevinDurant‬ on meeting ‪#‎Warriors‬ “It was organic. It was authentic.” Is ‪#‎KD‬ talking basketball or becoming a spokesman for ‪#‎WholeFoods‬?

Lots of emails from the SF Giants about voting often for Brandon Belt for the All-Star Team, and no doubt other teams are doing the same for their players. So here we have a game that “counts” for home field advantage during the World Series, and the teams are partly filled by good old-fashioned ballot box stuffing. God Bless America.

Johnny Cueto leads ‪#‎MLB‬ in complete games. ‪#‎Cueto‬ has had an up-close view of the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ bullpen this season. ‪#‎coincidence‬?

Matt Harvey, 4-10 with a 4.86 ERA, is considering season-ending surgery. Of course, the way he’s been pitching, his season as a Mets starter could be ending soon anyway.

Cardinals placed Matt Carpenter on 15-day disabled list with a right oblique strain. Starting to feel old, I remember before players had obliques.

Amazing, the same House that couldn’t find time for votes on gun control can find time for hearings on Hillary Clinton’s emails. I sure hope this doesn’t distract them from their important business of trying to repeal Obamacare again.

Bernie Sanders is reportedly going to endorse Hillary Clinton next Tuesday. Waiting for some of his supporters to claim the endorsement was rigged.

Tom Brady has just declined Donald Trump’s invitation to speak at the GOP convention. Did someone inform the Patriots QB that Democrats and moderates buy his jerseys too?

Bill O’Reilly showed old pictures yesterday of Barack Obama at a Muslim wedding, as some sort of proof of the President’s real identity. So when will O’Reilly start in with these GOP candidates who insist, despite their voting records, that they are not homophobic because they have attended a gay wedding?

Hillary Clinton is a long way from perfect. But just guessing, if she had used a government server for her email Republicans would now be after her claiming she had illegally sent personal or campaign emails with the account, or something. Because when it comes to the GOP and Hillary, as Roseanne Rosannadanna said “It’s always something.”

 

Hardest thing about writing ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ posts, having to double check all his statements to make sure they’re ‪#‎NottheOnion‬

Ted Cruz announced he has accepted Donald Trump’s invitation to speak at the GOP convention. Guess the Donald figured he didn’t have time to start a reality show to find speakers?

Britain’s Conservative Party chose Theresa May and Andrea Leadsom as the final two candidates in the race to succeed David Cameron, meaning the next Prime Minister WILL be a woman.
So shall we start a pool in how long it takes Trump to insult one or both of them?

 

‪#‎Trump‬ leaning towards ‪#‎Gingrich‬ as his V.P. choice? So six wives worked for Henry VIII, the Donald thinks it will work for his ticket?

 

 

 

Rocky Mountain Leftover High?

July 17, 2014

CBS News reports that tourists are regularly leaving their leftover marijuana purchases inside rental cars at Denver International Airport, because they don’t want to be arrested when they head home. In related news, Hertz and Avis just reported a 1,000% increase in Colorado job applications..

 

Chris Christie says that on a “case by case” basis, his state may consider housing some of the detained immigrant children. Makes sense, have them spend some time in New Jersey and they may go racing back home.

So the MH17 black box has been sent to Moscow for Investigation. Great. Now we will get the real story because as Edward Snowden tells us, Russia is a great and open country and a champion of human rights….’

We often ridicule U.S. government agencies over their rules and regulations. But it appears that they got this one right: In April, on the “Special Rules” section of its site, the U.S. Federal Aviation Administration put out an order prohibiting American pilots, airlines, charter carriers, and everyone else over whom the FAA has direct jurisdiction, from flying over southern parts of Ukraine.

John McCain is already talking about “profound repercussions” against whoever shot down MH17. Surely we should be able to invade somebody….

The finger pointing has begun between Russia and the Ukraine over MH17. It may take longer to figure out who’s really to blame than it does to find MH370.

(The GOP already no doubt  – has it figured out, it’s Obama’s fault.)

Microsoft has announced they are cutting 18,000 jobs. Of course, the tech giant doesn’t “fire” people, they just tell them they are performing an illegal operation and will be shut down.

 

Cheerful story on a bad news day. My friend Linda M. Wilson reminds me that Disneyland opened 59 years ago  on July 17.. Although there’s a whole generation of Americans growing up with no concept of the phrase “E ticket ride.”

 

Okay, how slow a day was Thursday  in the sports world? ESPN has the headline that the 2015 NFL draft location has been narrowed down to Los Angeles and Chicago.

You can’t make this “stuff” up. MLB and FOX’s excuse for not paying tribute to Tony Gwynn during the All Star Game- is that the “baseball family” had lost a “number of people” this year and they “did not want to slight anyone by singling out one individual.” Well, and that and it would have interrupted the flow of the Derek Jeter show.

To be fair, maybe MLB and FOX made such of a big deal out of Derek Jeter’s farewell All-Star game because they knew he’d already played his last postseason game.

But maybe all of the hype is getting to be overkill.  From Bill Littlejohn:  “A Yankee Stadium suite for Derek Jeter’s final home game is going for $244,000.  Why the discount?”

 

Well-stuffed

July 10, 2012

“Well-stuffed”  – referring to the job San Francisco fans did with the ballot box.

 

That deafening silence you heard after the top of the All-Star game five run top of the first inning was coming from Mets fans who wanted Wright to start the All-Star game.

After tonight, SF Giants batters have to be petitioning MLB for permission to wear orange spikes during regular season.

Says Gary M.  “About 1/2-way through tonight’s All-Star game, Bryce Harper asked Melky Cabrera, “How much for those clown shoes, bro?”

 

Back to the regular season…. Phil Mickelson apparently part of a group planning to buy the San Diego Padres. Anyone ever told Phil that on a baseball diamond low scores are not necessarily a good thing?

If Giants fans had started stuffing the ballot box sooner the AL might not have had that seven game All-Star winning streak.

 

How long until the New York Yankees tell MLB Commissioner Bud Selig this All-Star game determining home field advantage stuff is not acceptable.

 

Former PSU pres. Graham Spanier told university investigators that he was never told that Jerry Sandusky was seen molesting a boy in a school shower. Ah for the good old days of being a scumbag. It was so much easier to burn notes than to erase emails….

 

United Airlines today announced that they will reinstate their San Francisco to Paris nonstop in April 2013. Tomorrow they will announce that all frequent flyer free and upgraded tickets on that route are full.

 

 

The GOP has a very different problem from 2008. Then they had a presidential candidate who couldn’t remember. Now they have one who hopes that we can’t remember.

A yoga teacher with a cellphone ban in class was fired from Facebook after making an employee turn the phone off during one of her classes. Guess the employee just HAD to update her status to “I’m feeling really relaxed learning yoga.”

 

Texas Governor Rick Perry compared Medicaid to the Titanic. Interesting that Perry picked as a metaphor one of the only things in history that sunk faster than his Presidential campaign.

 

From Marc Ragovin:  Mitt Romney’s advisers say that his Swiss and Cayman Islands bank accounts are all part of his longstanding practice of investing globally. Hence his new campaign slogan: Putting America Somewhere Between First and Sixth.

All-starred.

July 2, 2012

A All-Star tale of two cities: SF Giants fans stuffed the ballot box and were happy to get three starters on the team. NY Yankees fans got three of their players named to the team and thought “we should have stuffed the ballot box.”

At this point Buster Posey is likely to end up catching Mets knuckleballer R.A. Dickey.  Hmm, maybe it was Yadier Molina and Carlos Ruiz who stuffed the ballot box for him.

What is the “age of reason?” It might be 33. The age at which all of Tom Cruise’s wives have divorced him.

The Tour de France started this weekend. Yet another event that most Americans no longer care about now that we have no chance of winning.

Alec Baldwin married yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas over the weekend. By all accounts it was a lovely wedding. Except when out of habit Alec accidentally punched the photographer.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had a press conference about storm damage, but when a reporter asked a question on a different topic, responded “Did I say on topic? Are you stupid? On topic, on topic. Next question.” If   Obama is re-elected, he could make Christie a bi-partisan advisor in charge of heckling.

Senior Romney adviser Eric Fehrnstrom said today that the Governor agrees, the fee for not having insurance is a penalty and not a tax. After all, that’s what Mitt thought it was when he implemented Obamacare/Romneycare in Massachusetts.

Anderson Cooper is the latest public figure to come out of the closet. Well, now that Tom Cruise is single…..

Michael Phelps has dropped the 200 freestyle for London, meaning he will only have a chance for 7 golds at the 2012 Olympics. Slacker.

A new study has found the more coffee you drink, the more you may be protecting yourself against skin cancer. Well, makes sense, the more time you spend in line at Starbucks the less time you are out in the sun.

From my friend Rich Lieberman:  CONSERVATIVE REMINDER: The government can draft you and force you to serve in war but asking you to buy insurance if you can is overreach.

First Dwight Howard wanted to be traded, then he wanted to stay with the Orlando Magic, now he wants to be traded again. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, make up your mind.”

Vote early and often.

July 1, 2012

The wonders of ballot stuffing: Pablo Sandoval named an All-Star starter. Now I love Panda. But the best 3rd baseman in the National League? Some days he’s not even the best 3rd baseman on the SF Giants.

Maybe three starters voted in does at least confirm the San Francisco Bay Area’s position as the U.S. leader in technology?

After Rush Limbaugh’s statements on moving over Obamacare there are reports of Costa Rica beefing up their border patrol.

Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker is requesting federal disaster relief for losses incurred this year by Wisconsin fruit tree growers and maple syrup producers. Some of these GOP Governors deal with the federal government like teenagers with their parents – “get out of my life, but give me money.”

Florida Governor Rick Scott says the state will not comply with Obamacare. Tough words from a man whose hospital chain was convicted of Medicare fraud and paid a $900 MILLION fine.

Kevin Garnett, who was considering retirement, has decided to return to the Boston Celtics. “What’s the rush?” said Brett Favre.

How did Mitt Romney ever get the reputation as an elitist? “I want to make sure that we keep America a place of opportunity, where everyone has a fair shot. They get as much education as they can afford…”

Boise State has formerly announced their intention to leave the Mountain West Conference. The Broncos hope to join San Diego State in being in the Big East in football and the Big West in other sports. And they wonder why athletes have trouble with geography.

SF 49ers star rookie Aldon Smith apparently sustained minor injuries when he was stabbed at a party near San Jose. This comes five months after a DUI in Florida. What’s Smith trying to do? Get traded to the Bengals?

NBC is planning a live broadcast of the musical “The Sound of Music.” And millions of men hearing that said “Honey, that seems like a great night to go shopping.”

4-0 for Spain over Italy to win the Euro Cup. Four goals, really? Somebody check Kiev’s humidor.

From my friend Rich Lieberman, (not sure if original or forwarded.)   “CONSERVATIVE REMINDER: The government can draft you and force you to serve in war but asking you to buy insurance if you can is overreach.”

All-Stars and Falling Stars

July 6, 2010

Although many in baseball thought Vladimir Guerrero was done last year, he signed with the Texas Rangers and now leads the majors with 70 RBI. But we should have known he had some good years left – the San Francisco Giants didn’t offer him a contract.


The SF Giants have announced “Girl Scout” night at A T and T park July 15, with a necklace giveaway, and some donations from purchased tickets. After a brief pre-game ceremony, however, Girl Scouts will not be allowed on the field. Management is afraid they might beat the Giants.

Jamarcus Russell was arrested today on drug possession charges. Hard to believe the strong-armed quarterback was once thought of as potentially the next John Elway. Instead, he’s turned out to be the next Ryan Leaf.


Is this a sign? Codeine is legal without a prescription in Canada. The only question, is any CFL team desperate enough to take a chance on JaMarcus Russell?


Larry Ellison might buy the woeful Golden State Warriors. Which means he finally might have found a bigger waste of money than the America’s Cup.


The Queen of England was in Canada today and after touring the offices of “Research in Motion,” was given a free Blackberry. Apparently John McCain over the years has been offered some free blackberries, but he turned the offers down because he wasn’t sure they weren’t picked by illegal immigrants.

Thank you Bud Selig. The All-Star game now determines home field advantage in the World Series, and the fans have selected an NL starting catcher who is hitting .229. (Yadier Molina.) Makes sense to me.

Now that the U.S. has zero chance of winning the World Cup, American sports fans are using that as an excuse for not being interested in the last stages of the competiton. Big deal, Canadian sports fan respond, we still watch the finals of the Stanley Cup. (Note to non-hockey fans, a Canadian team hasn’t won the NHL championship since 1993)

Men might want to stop reading now…

On the Bachelorette Monday night, former Bachelor (and Dancing with the Stars contestant) Jake and his ex-fiance Vienna, returned. It was a special interview segment to discuss their break-up after competing tabloid stories.

Personally, the more I watch these two together the more I think they absolutely deserve each other. But at least they didn’t breed.


And the latest vampire movie, Eclipse, will apparently gross almost $200 million in its first week. Which could be great for the movie industry, less great for retail. Because it means there were no teenage girls left with free time to shop in the malls.