Posted tagged ‘email jokes’

Enough already

July 7, 2016

Most people are good, most police are good.  Guns make it too easy for the assholes.

 

dallas

(picture taken earlier tonight during the protest.)

 

It really is awful news out of ‪#‎Dallas‬. Not even sure what questions to ask. But more and bigger guns are NOT the answer.

 

 

So every time we see a terrorist attack anywhere around the world many want to make America a lot less of a free country. And yet, when we have shootings, even mass shootings, here at home, those same people wouldn’t dream of making it even a little harder to get guns.

Not that the jokes are more important, but laughter does beat crying….So back to the attempts at humor:

 

#‎KevinDurant‬ on meeting ‪#‎Warriors‬ “It was organic. It was authentic.” Is ‪#‎KD‬ talking basketball or becoming a spokesman for ‪#‎WholeFoods‬?

Lots of emails from the SF Giants about voting often for Brandon Belt for the All-Star Team, and no doubt other teams are doing the same for their players. So here we have a game that “counts” for home field advantage during the World Series, and the teams are partly filled by good old-fashioned ballot box stuffing. God Bless America.

Johnny Cueto leads ‪#‎MLB‬ in complete games. ‪#‎Cueto‬ has had an up-close view of the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ bullpen this season. ‪#‎coincidence‬?

Matt Harvey, 4-10 with a 4.86 ERA, is considering season-ending surgery. Of course, the way he’s been pitching, his season as a Mets starter could be ending soon anyway.

Cardinals placed Matt Carpenter on 15-day disabled list with a right oblique strain. Starting to feel old, I remember before players had obliques.

Amazing, the same House that couldn’t find time for votes on gun control can find time for hearings on Hillary Clinton’s emails. I sure hope this doesn’t distract them from their important business of trying to repeal Obamacare again.

Bernie Sanders is reportedly going to endorse Hillary Clinton next Tuesday. Waiting for some of his supporters to claim the endorsement was rigged.

Tom Brady has just declined Donald Trump’s invitation to speak at the GOP convention. Did someone inform the Patriots QB that Democrats and moderates buy his jerseys too?

Bill O’Reilly showed old pictures yesterday of Barack Obama at a Muslim wedding, as some sort of proof of the President’s real identity. So when will O’Reilly start in with these GOP candidates who insist, despite their voting records, that they are not homophobic because they have attended a gay wedding?

Hillary Clinton is a long way from perfect. But just guessing, if she had used a government server for her email Republicans would now be after her claiming she had illegally sent personal or campaign emails with the account, or something. Because when it comes to the GOP and Hillary, as Roseanne Rosannadanna said “It’s always something.”

 

Hardest thing about writing ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ posts, having to double check all his statements to make sure they’re ‪#‎NottheOnion‬

Ted Cruz announced he has accepted Donald Trump’s invitation to speak at the GOP convention. Guess the Donald figured he didn’t have time to start a reality show to find speakers?

Britain’s Conservative Party chose Theresa May and Andrea Leadsom as the final two candidates in the race to succeed David Cameron, meaning the next Prime Minister WILL be a woman.
So shall we start a pool in how long it takes Trump to insult one or both of them?

 

‪#‎Trump‬ leaning towards ‪#‎Gingrich‬ as his V.P. choice? So six wives worked for Henry VIII, the Donald thinks it will work for his ticket?

 

 

 

Leaving on a private jet plane?

July 6, 2016

Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett, on Durant’s departure “We’re stunned…. We’ve been spurned by someone we cared deeply about.” “Tell us about it,” said every basketball fan in Seattle.

What’s more surprising at this point? That the SF Giants at 54-33 have the best record in MLB? Or that they have done it while blowing 17 saves.

Charles Barkley is now saying that Kevin Durant is jumping on the Golden State “gravy train” to win a ring. Hmm, so did the Warriors turn down Sir Charles’ offer to ride their bench to get himself a title?

This upcoming Summer Olympics has an official bug spray company. (OFF) Which kind of tells you all you need to know about Rio now.

Ashley Madison has now admitted that some women on its site were actually virtual computer programs. Who’d a thunk it – a website designed for cheaters, was operated by cheaters.

Bernie Sanders in a meeting with House Democrats today allegedly said “the goal is not to win elections.” Even Dennis Kucinich is thinking this guy may not quite be in touch with reality.

Ben Carson tweeted “Social media provides a great platform for discourse, but we must be careful with the messages we send out.” Yep, someone’s definitely not on Trump’s VP list….

Tennessee Sen. Bob Corker took himself off Trump’s VP short list today. This is like “the Bachelor-Bachelorette”, but with many of the contestants just saying no to the rose.

Former Fox News host Gretchen Carlson is suing Roger Ailes for sexual harassment. So how long until they make fun of her on Fox and Friends

In the UK they have spent 7 years and millions of pounds on the “Chilcot” report, probing the reasons that Britain joined the US in the Iraq war. The 2.6 million word report found that Tony Blair used “exaggerated” evidence to convince the British public that Saddam Hussein had WMDs, evidence that was “presented with a certainty that was not justified.”
But of course none of this is an important as Hillary’s emails.

 

Hour long delay for thousands of passengers on trains in and out of San Francisco due to moron in car trying to beat train across tracks.  He lost. But only damaged car. Alas, no Darwin.

Bob Corker, who still supports Trump but withdrew from V.P consideration “His best running mate, by the way, would be Ivanka.”
So is it required for a Trump supporter to be creepy?

You really cannot make this “stuff” up. Paul Ryan says Hillary Clinton was “reckless” in handling classified materials, so she should be denied access to classified materials during the general election.
Right, as opposed to the completely un-reckless GOP nominee?

From Bill Littlejohn “With the signing of Kevin Durant, the Warriors have more expectations than anything outside of a fertility clinic..”

She’s got mail.

July 5, 2016

The FBI says they will not press charges against Hillary Clinton. Director James Comey says there was no “clear evidence” of intentional misconduct.  So this will change exactly zero minds on Hillary’s guilt or innocence.

 –

FBI director James Comey did say Hillary Clinton was “extremely careless” but if GOP is going to condemn a lack of judgment with her emails what about those Iraq WMDs?
Until today, Republicans admired FBI director James Comey, like they used to admire judge Merrick Garland.
FBI director James Comey said “‘no reasonable prosecutor” would bring a case against Clinton for emails. I am sure this will convince the GOP as they’ve reasonably only voted 60 times to repeal Obamacare.

 

Paul Ryan tonight said the GOP will hold hearings on the FBI’s decision not to prosecute Hillary Clinton over the emails. Why don’t they run them along with another Benghazi hearing? Would save time.

 

Just wondering how many Americans screaming about Hillary ‪#‎Clinton‬‘s email server have any idea what an email server actually is.

Now a drug- resistant bacteria has been found in the water off some of Rio’s most popular beaches. Well security at the Olympics may not be as big a problem as previously feared: if this keeps up even ISIL will be scared to go near the place.

If Donald Trump wanted to tweet about real ‪#‎RiggedSystem‬, he should have ignored Hillary’s emails & talked about ‪#‎AllStarGame‬ voting.

More wins than any team in National League & only one position player in the ‪#‎AllStarGame‬. But ‪#‎SFGiants‬ players need the rest anyway.  (If the bullpen hadn’t blown 6 of 9 last saves they’d have more wins than any team in baseball.)

 

#‎SFGiants‬ now take over the major league lead from the ‪#‎Reds‬ in blown saves. ‪#‎notthetitleyouwant‬

ESPN is devoting an hour to the MLB “Esurance All-Star Selection Show” tonight. An hour?! So where’s that hacker who leaked the March Madness brackets when we need him or her?

‪#‎SFGiants‬ need to trade for ‪#‎NolanArenado‬ someday if for no other reason than to keep him from batting against them.

Best news for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ with ‪#‎KevinDurant‬ to ‪#‎Warriors‬; even in even year, they’re not the SF Bay Area team most burdened w/ high expectations.

The Alabama AD self-reported five violations for the 2015-16 academic year against their football team. The school said they were all “secondary violations,” which don’t lead to probation. Well of course, isn’t anything the Crimson Tide football teams do at most a secondary violation.

To err is human, to really screw things up requires a computer. This is the response I got today on confirming a hotel night….in midtown Manhattan:
ROOM VIEW – OCEAN VIEW

Apparently some parents were upset to find out that Hooters had sponsored a 3-day Cub Scout camp, and sent a few of their waitresses to volunteer. Even more upset, some fathers whose own Cub Scout volunteer days may now be over.

Meanwhile, while some Americans freak out over terrorism, more than 60 people were shot in Chicago over the 4th of July weekend; four died.

Clinton campaign statement on the FBI decision not to charge her over emails: “We are glad this matter is now resolved.”
Glad for no charges I can see, but “resolved?” Right, like Obama’s birth certificate, or Obamacare for that matter, ever was resolved with many in the GOP… ‪#‎shecandream‬

 

Donald Trump today on Saddam Hussein: “He was a bad guy — really bad guy. But you know what? He did well? He killed terrorists.”
Yeah, along with only maybe 250,000-500,000 Iraqis. ‪#‎ThisIShimtryingtobePresidential‬

Is this heaven? No, it’s Scottsdale.

March 8, 2015

scottsdale

Winter is almost over.

 

Meanwhile, across town,  Jim Harbaugh took a turn at coaching first base for the As two innings Saturday in a spring training game. Wonder if Billy Beane showed up and out of habit tried to trade him.

Baseball spring training for most is hope over experience. Making millions of Americans honorary Cubs fans.

 

The New Orleans Saints and Mark Ingram have apparently agreed to a four-year, $16 million deal. Shocking news for these times. There’s actually a Heisman winner some team wants to pay to keep around?!

It’s the Chinese New Year parade in SF tonight. But no one knows if it’s the year of the Ram or the Sheep or the Goat. ‪#‎IblameObama‬

 

Regarding all those racist emails, jokes and cartoons found in Ferguson emails, anyone but me less shocked at the content, than the fact these people were idiotic enough to send them on city email accounts? ‪#‎maybecaneducateracists‬ ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Forget those rumors of retirement, Marshawn Lynch has signed a two-year extension with the Seahawks. So I guess Lynch is going to postpone plans to star in a remake of “The Longest Yard.”

The Justice Department is apparently going to bring criminal corruption charges against NJ Senator Bob Menendez. Menendez for his part says he has “always been honest.” And Chris Christie might be thinking “Well, then how did he get elected in New Jersey?”

Alaska Rep. Don Young, to Interior Secretary Sally Jewell, over a letter 79 members of Congress sent urging her to protect the gray wolf population. “How many of you have got wolves in your district?” None. None. Not one.They haven’t got a damn wolf in their whole district. I’d like to introduce them in your district. If I introduced them in your district, you wouldn’t have a homeless problem anymore.”

Wolves running around Congress might solve a few problems too….

Saturday night we turned our clocks forward an hour. Knicks fans are just hoping they could turn the clock forward to the end of the season.

Wrecks and more wrecks.

March 4, 2015

Jim Harbaugh apparently stopped to help two women who were injured in a car accident on the interstate in Michigan this afternoon. Kudos to Jim, but makes sense, after dealing with 49ers management Harbaugh probably found a car wreck easier to deal with than a train wreck.

Sweet Briar college has announced that for financial reasons, they are shutting down at the end of the academic year. What a shame. No doubt some SEC school would have offered the college $1 million to play them in football.

Edward Snowden’s lawyer says he that Snowden wants to return to the United States if he’s guaranteed a fair trial. Sounds like someone’s had enough of living in Russia.

During the Aaron Hernandez trial today, a maid testified at his murder trial that she saw him “messing with” the security camera in his basement the day after the killing. You do again have to wonder, as stupid as Hernandez seems to be, how did he stay out of jail for so long?

The SF Chronicle has reported that Jim Harbaugh exhibits have been removed from the 49ers museum at Levi’s Stadium. Guess Jed York wants fans to remember the halcyon days of Mike Nolan and Mike Singletary.

 

Do they have online medical schools now or something? Dr. David Samadi, on Fox & Friends last weekend. “Now we have crack babies coming in because pregnant women are smoking this whole marijuana business.” ‪#‎facepalm‬

(I looked it up, Dr. Samadi is an expert on prostate cancer…. Figures.)

Hillary Clinton apparently used a private email address instead of a government address while she was secretary of state.    Which probably translates to  “same lack of security, different hackers.”

Here’s what I really don’t get on the Hillary Clinton email story. Okay. so she must have sent tens of thousands of emails, at least, in four years. And if it was such a big deal on what account she used, somehow none of her recipients saw fit to make an issue of it at the time?

Maryland Child Protective Services will now keep a file open on two parents after they were found responsible for ‘unsubstantiated’ child neglect. This for letting their 10 and 6 year old children walk together by themselves a mile home from the park. If only they had just let their kids play at home with guns….

Seven players were ejected after a bench clearing fight during last night’s Texas-Baylor men’s basketball game. The schools may review the tape for possible further discipline, and their football programs may review the tape for possible recruiting

 

After Billy Bean visited the Mets clubhouse, Daniel Murphy spoke at length to the NY Daily News about his feelings. “I disagree with the lifestyle. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love a teammate who is gay.” And he added “And I completely understand why someone who believes it is not a choice, that you’re born with it, would take issue with my beliefs, that it is a lifestyle.”

Ought to be very interesting what kind of service Murphy gets in restaurants and from flight attendants this year. And guessing the guy is NEVER going to play 2nd for San Francisco.

(Have no problem with differing beliefs, but what WAS Daniel thinking?. Might be hard for a team right now to sign an openly gay player, but it’s easy NOT to sign a mid-level player who will alienate any significant part of a fan base.)

 

 

New Oakland SS Marcus Semien hit a home run of Madison Bumgarner today in the team’s spring training opener against the SF Giants. And followed that with another home run and an RBI single. If this keeps up,Semein can count on the A’s trading him midseason.

 

 

From Neal, on ISIS threatening Twitter CEO and employees for not allowing their posts:   “They destroy ancient statues and artifacts but they want Twitter..

The plot thickens….

November 14, 2012

The Petraeus-Allen story keeps expanding… But at least there’s a bright side for Mitt Romney. So much for all the headlines and jokes being about how he managed to lose the election….

 

Now the FBI probe into the Petraeus affair has uncovered over 20,000 pages of “potentially inappropriate” emails between Gen. John R. Allen, U.S. troop commander in Afghanistan, and Jill Kelley, the woman Petraeus’ mistress allegedly threatened. Once again showing how dangerous it is to allow heterosexuals in the military.

Oxymoron of the year: Private email account.

Some in the media are commenting how Paula Broadwell always said nice things about General Petraeus’s wife, Holly and never seemed jealous, Well, duh, Paula figured she’d already “won” by him cheating on his wife, she was jealous of potential mistress 2.0.

Well, give him points for honesty: QB Tyler Bray told reporters “I’m paid to win football games.” For the initiated, Bray plays at Tennessee. Not the Titans. The University of Tennessee.

Mike D’Antoni told the NY Daily News that he was surprised the Lakers wanted him to coach. Said Phil Jackson, “that makes two of us.”

 

Elmo’s accuser has recanted, and says theirs was a “adult consensual relationship”. What a way for pre-schoolers across the country to learn that C is also for Consensual.

Many people still think Tim Tebow can perform miracles. Not sure about this turning water into wine stuff. But so far Tebow’s being on the Jets hasn’t turned Mark Sanchez into a decent quarterback.

Two parents in Massachusetts promised their kids that if a picture of them with a sign begging for a cat got 1,000 FB “likes” they could have a kitten. The children got over 100,000 likes, and the cat. Let’s hope this doesn’t give guys ideas about posting a sign wanting to get rid of their wife or girlfriend’s pet.

These allegations of the puppeteer behind Elmo having a sexual relationship with a minor were disturbing. Let’s hope Bert and Ernie haven’t sent each other any salacious emails.

If this Petraeus-Allen scandal turns out to be the tip of the iceberg, how long until Bill Clinton applies to be Secretary of Defense?

The most common question heard in the Army today? Has to be “How do you REALLY erase emails?”

The widening scandal involving General Petraeus, Paula Broadwell, General Allen and Jill Kelley brings to mind all the high ranking women politicians and government officials who have made fools of themselves over younger men…. Uh wait. Scratch that.