Posted tagged ‘Petraeus affair jokes’

The plot thickens….

November 14, 2012

The Petraeus-Allen story keeps expanding… But at least there’s a bright side for Mitt Romney. So much for all the headlines and jokes being about how he managed to lose the election….


Now the FBI probe into the Petraeus affair has uncovered over 20,000 pages of “potentially inappropriate” emails between Gen. John R. Allen, U.S. troop commander in Afghanistan, and Jill Kelley, the woman Petraeus’ mistress allegedly threatened. Once again showing how dangerous it is to allow heterosexuals in the military.

Oxymoron of the year: Private email account.

Some in the media are commenting how Paula Broadwell always said nice things about General Petraeus’s wife, Holly and never seemed jealous, Well, duh, Paula figured she’d already “won” by him cheating on his wife, she was jealous of potential mistress 2.0.

Well, give him points for honesty: QB Tyler Bray told reporters “I’m paid to win football games.” For the initiated, Bray plays at Tennessee. Not the Titans. The University of Tennessee.

Mike D’Antoni told the NY Daily News that he was surprised the Lakers wanted him to coach. Said Phil Jackson, “that makes two of us.”


Elmo’s accuser has recanted, and says theirs was a “adult consensual relationship”. What a way for pre-schoolers across the country to learn that C is also for Consensual.

Many people still think Tim Tebow can perform miracles. Not sure about this turning water into wine stuff. But so far Tebow’s being on the Jets hasn’t turned Mark Sanchez into a decent quarterback.

Two parents in Massachusetts promised their kids that if a picture of them with a sign begging for a cat got 1,000 FB “likes” they could have a kitten. The children got over 100,000 likes, and the cat. Let’s hope this doesn’t give guys ideas about posting a sign wanting to get rid of their wife or girlfriend’s pet.

These allegations of the puppeteer behind Elmo having a sexual relationship with a minor were disturbing. Let’s hope Bert and Ernie haven’t sent each other any salacious emails.

If this Petraeus-Allen scandal turns out to be the tip of the iceberg, how long until Bill Clinton applies to be Secretary of Defense?

The most common question heard in the Army today? Has to be “How do you REALLY erase emails?”

The widening scandal involving General Petraeus, Paula Broadwell, General Allen and Jill Kelley brings to mind all the high ranking women politicians and government officials who have made fools of themselves over younger men…. Uh wait. Scratch that.



November 13, 2012

So is the next revelation in the General Petraeus affair going to include a road trip by his ex-mistress to Florida wearing Depends?

Understatement of the year award? Steve Boylan, a Petraeus family friend and former spokesman said on “Good Morning America” that the general’s wife Holly “is not exactly pleased right now.”

At this point what we seem to know is that General Petraeus had an affair with a woman who turned crazy on him. Hmm, maybe the Secret Service had the right idea with prostitutes. (If only they had paid them.)

Somewhere Dwight D. Eisenhower and JFK must be laughing together: “Thank God we didn’t live in the internet age.”

A University of Colorado student has been arrested and charged with “menacing” after he put on a Joker mask at a Boulder movie theater. (And he told police he was aware of the “Dark Knight Rises” shooting.) Not sure if they can make the menacing charge stick but at the least this kid is guilty of terminal stupidity.

Roddy White of the Atlanta Falcons said of his team’s loss to the New Orleans Saints “It’s not like they came out here and won a game. I think we kind of gave it to them.” Proving again, you can still trash talk with a mouthful of sour grapes.

The word from folks associated with the Los Angeles Lakers  is that Phil Jackson thought the job was his: “I know just how you feel” said Mitt Romney..

Not saying the Lakers are old, but will new coach Mike D’Antoni’s challenge now to be to come up with “Hasbeen-sanity?

Apparently more than 25,000 people have signed a petition for Texas to secede from the United States. About 25 million other Americans would probably sign a petition saying “Let them.”

Washington State football coach Mike Leach is now being accused of abusing his players. So will the team colors of Crimson and Gray now become “Fifty Shades of Crimson and Gray”?

General confusion:

November 12, 2012

National security may or may not have been compromised. But comedy writers looking to fill a post-election void are thinking “Thank you, General Petraeus.”

But really,  a major sex story involving a U.S. leader who is widely respected around the world, and it’s not Bill Clinton?  Who’d a thunk it?


Well, not sure it’s much consolation. But Mitt Romney’s  supposed favorite team, the New England Patriots,  won.   While  President Obama’s beloved  Chicago Bears…, well, how ’bout that election?


As if New Yorkers haven’t suffered enough with Sandy and the Nor’Easter: Neither storm managed to cancel last Sunday’s Jets and Giants games.



Post election joy for those of all political persuasion: A Monday morning without 50 + overnight emails asking for money.




Anyone else remember this story from the summer? Now, this could have been entertaining… for those of us who are truly twisted….

Marc Ragovin:   “So General Petreus had an affair with the author of his biography, which is titled “All in” And boy, was he!”


And from Mark – “Any truth to the rumor the General will change his name from Petraues to General Betrayus?”



The Oakland Raiders lost 55-20 to the somewhat offensively challenged Baltimore Ravens?! If Al Davis wasn’t dead this would have killed him.


Have to wonder, when Mitt Romney starts spending more time at his soon-to-be-rebuilt home in sunny San Diego, will he wish he’d just retired there four years sooner?

Newest members of “Who Dat” nation? The 1972 Miami Dolphins.

A Southwest Airlines jet slid off a taxiway at Denver International Airport on Saturday. Fortunately there were no injuries, making the biggest question for most passengers – do we get extra frequent flyer miles?

Fresh off their mega deal with the Boston Red Sox, the Los Angeles Dodgers have bid 25.7 million dollars for the rights to try to sign Korean pitcher Ryu Hyun-jin. Even the New York Yankees are thinking “Ever heard of fiscal restraint?”


Looks like Phil Jackson wasn’t quite as good at the “Name your own price” game as he thought he was.

Are you ready for some non-SEC football?

November 11, 2012

There’s a lot of college football left to play…but right now the BCS national championship could feature – Oregon vs. Kansas State. A prospect that must have ESPN as excited as FOX was to televise a SF vs. Detroit World Series.



“Twilight” fans have been camping out since Thursday for the Monday premiere of “Breaking Dawn: Part 2.” Well, at least they didn’t overlap the line as for the new iPhone 5. The human race doesn’t necessarily want those two groups to meet and breed.

At SEC headquarters , the question of the night is “Who the heck decided to let Texas A & M in the conference?”

So Louisiana-Lafayette, needing only to run out the clock with 2 seconds left on 4th and 2 to force overtime, had a punt blocked and lost to Florida 27 to 20. Who made that decision? Someone hoping to transfer to an SEC school as a math major?

After gay marriage initiatives passed Tuesday, the Vatican is proclaiming themselves as a lone voice of courage — “the only check … to the breakup of the anthropological structures on which human society was founded.” Right, and when we think of courage in tackling sexual issues, we all think of the Vatican.

So was General Petraeus brought down in the end because his mistress thought he was cheating on her and started threatening that other “other woman”? If so, we can start casting the made for TV movie now…


When she appeared this year on “The Daily Show,” Paula Broadwell told Jon Stewart that General Petraeus had “no dirty secrets.” Well, not anymore.

From my friend Alex Kaseberg –  “Attention guys cheating on wives. The head of the CIA just got caught cheating on his wife. Your stupid ass will not get away with it.”

So headline in Alabama this morning?    “Rolled, Tide.”

As some of us are going through baseball withdrawal,  here’s a thought, pitchers and catchers report in about 100 days. Which is about 90 days further away than the opening of the 2016 Presidential campaign season.


November 10, 2012

CIA director David Petraeus has resigned after admitting he had an affair. How long until he’s asked to join the “Clinton Global Initiative.”

Apparently General Petraeus, 60, had his affair with his biographer and videographer, Paula Broadwell, 39. So guess Petraeus didn’t think he was Bill Clinton, he thought he was John Edwards.

Once again, the conspiracy theorists are out, this time about General Petraeus’s affair and the timing of his resignation. Really?!! It’s amazing how the only time some folks give Obama credit for competence is in engineering coverups.

Wow! Lakers coach Mike Brown has been fired already, only five games into a disappointing season. And somewhere from the great beyond Al Davis and George Steinbrenner are thinking “You can do that?”

Here’s a scary post-election thought. For a brief, not-so-shining moment last year, some thought Donald Trump could be elected president of the United States.

Condoleezza Rice said today she wouldn’t be the next secretary of state, even if President Barack Obama asked her. I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.

(Although as a Democrat I’d be happy with Richard Lugar. And Condi would be better than Bud Selig for baseball.)

Can we get over this concept of Kentucky defending their NCAA national championship in men’s basketball. Because a true defense might involve, for starters, having one player from that championship team still in uniform. (And no, I don’t mean an NBA uniform.)

Phil Jackson has apparently said he might consider ending his retirement and return to coaching the Lakers.   “Atta boy,” said Brett Favre.

Nick Swisher, who has hit .169 in 154 postseason at-bats. apparently will leave New York because he doesn’t like their $13 million offer for 2013. Maybe the Yankees decided that with A-Rod it was enough to have one high-priced player who takes Octobers off.

Ah, the purity of amateur sports: UCLA star recruit Shabazz Muhammed was declared ineligible for recruiting violations. Which the LA Times alleges resulted from visits to Duke & North Carolina –  Schools he turned down in favor of UCLA .  Gosh, if so, wonder who turned him in.

Mitt Romney’s sister complained to an interviewer that her brother had been “vilified” during the campaign. Uh, did she think it was going to get better if he became president?

Anders Behring, Breivik the Norwegian mass murderer who killed 77 people, mostly teenagers, is complaining that he is being held in inhumane solitary conditions. Well, heck, let’s get him into the general population right away then.

Ye Gods, they’re like political Tribbles. Only not as cute and cuddly. George P. Bush, grandson of George H.W, nephew of George W. Bush, son of Jeb, just filed paperwork to run for office in the state of Texas.

From T.C.  ” With Washington voting to legalize marijuana,  can we expect Cheech and Chong to be signed for every Seattle Mariners home game singing “‘Toke Me Out to the Ball Game?'”  And of course the National Anthem to be sung by the Doobie Brothers?’