Posted tagged ‘Paula Broadwell jokes’

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Tweet (and twits) of the week? 

May 1, 2013

Even if you don’t care about baseball, got to love this tweet from Oakland A’s reliever Sean Doolittle (@whatwouldDOOdo): “In the 19th inning of a game that ended at 1:42am local time.  “(sic) Journal entry. Its now the 19th inning. we r out of food & water and weve lost 3 men to injury but morale is high. we need to win soon. SOS.”

 

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More on the 19 inning game.  Gaylord Perry  hinted in his book  “Me and the Spitter,”  that first he tried his “new pitch”  in the 15th inning of a Giants-Mets 23 inning game in 1964.   So maybe we should keep an eye on potential swervy pitches from the A’s Brett Anderson, who pitched 5 1/3 innings of relief Monday night.

 

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Texas A & M announced plans to renovate their football stadium to seat 102,500. Not that we need anything to put football in Texas in perspective, but the population of College Station, TX, where A & M is located, is 95,142.

 

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Oops, a couple idiots in London pushed up a barricade to get into a lower deck at a Gatwick Airport parking garage. Police blew the van up, and discovered “nothing threatening” inside. They believe the men were trying to catch a flight.. Now, this could have been a terrorist dry run. If not and you think missing luggage is the worst thing that can happen at the end of a trip….

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Three days until the Kentucky Derby. Always a big event for the NBA. Since finally the spotlight is on athletes who have more out-of-wedlock offspring than their players.

 

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General Petraeus’s biographer and ex-mistress Paula Broadwell said today she has made some mistakes but is returning to her “faith-based” roots.” And that she is looking for “meaningful work not publicity.” Just guessing not too many wives would sign off on her doing any more biographies.

 

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Apparently Ted Cruz is considering a run for President in 2016. Even though he was born in Canada to a Cuban father and U.S. mother. Well, at least Cruz is consistent in his demonstrated mastery of the U.S. Constitution.

 

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Robert Griffin III says he will not keep playing the next time he has an injury; he claims that he has learned from his “mistakes.” If so, he might be one of the only NFL players who has.

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The SF 49ers have signed British Olympic discus finalist Lawrence Okoye, who has never played football. Well, makes sense, NFL teams sign student-athletes all the time who have never been students.

 

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From T.C.  “The PGA has dropped doping case against Vijay Singh over deer antler spray. It is no longer on the list of banned substances. Insiders say that Tiger never used it, but may have at one time hit on a waitress named Bambi.”

 

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Men and women at work.

November 16, 2012

Nancy Pelosi says she will stay on as House Minority Leader because much work remains to be done. And if anyone knows about having work done, it’s Rep. Pelosi.

 

In Cincinnati, a judge offered to let a 19-year old man stay out of prison if he gave up marijuana, and his response was that he would try, but could he “at least get one more joint in?” Can’t imagine how pot gets the reputation for inhibiting short-term memory and critical thinking.

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Hostess Brands is now saying they will liquidate the company if striking workers don’t come back to work. Fortunately the Twinkies and Ding Dongs already made have enough preservatives to outlast most of our lifetimes.

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Who knew, in today’s U.S. Army that 3:00am phone call might be a booty call?

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United Airlines had a major computer problem for two hours this morning that is still delaying flights. Coming soon, a computer maintenance fee?

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BP agreed to a $4.5 BILLION settlement for the Gulf oil spill. Wonder how much extra that will add to the price for a gallon of gas?

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U.S.  Tennessee Rep.  Scott DesJarlais of Tennessee, already under fire for allegedly pressuring his mistress to have an abortion, testified during divorce proceedings that he and his former wife made a  “mutual” decision for her to have two abortions.  This is a man who on his website said:  “All life should be cherished and protected. We are pro-life.”

Except of course, when it isn’t convenient for us.

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MLB Commissioner Bud Selig is apparently “examining” the pending trade between the Miami Marlins and Toronto Blue Jays. What, to find out why the Marlins didn’t make the deal with the Yankees?

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Things are so bad with the Miami Marlins that there is even talk of contracting the baseball team. When asked about it, many South Floridians responded “We have a baseball team?”

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Apparently the Army has suspended the security clearance of General Petraeus’s former mistress Paula Broadwell. Presumably they are also locking barn doors while they try to round up the horses.

 

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What do these four names have in common? Timothy Beckham, Pedro Alvarez, Eric Hosmer, and Brian Matusz. Answer, all were chosen ahead of Buster Posey in the 2008 MLB draft.

 

 

From T.C.   A British pub hosted a “World’s Biggest Liar Contest” this week. Since this was an amateur event, lawyers and generals were not allowed to participate.

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Some folks think Obamacare suddenly has made companies play games with their employees’ hours to save money. Hah. I worked at Farrell’s, which was owned by Marriott, back in the late 70s. The rule was, no overtime. But if you happened to be at 40 hrs in a week during a busy time as a waitress where you could make decent tips, and they were short handed, you could, unofficially of course, work off the clock….

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Former WNBA star Chamique Holdsclaw was jailed in Atlanta after being accused of breaking another woman’s car windows with a bat and then shooting into that car. And who says women athletes will never be the equals of men?

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The plot thickens….

November 14, 2012

The Petraeus-Allen story keeps expanding… But at least there’s a bright side for Mitt Romney. So much for all the headlines and jokes being about how he managed to lose the election….

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Now the FBI probe into the Petraeus affair has uncovered over 20,000 pages of “potentially inappropriate” emails between Gen. John R. Allen, U.S. troop commander in Afghanistan, and Jill Kelley, the woman Petraeus’ mistress allegedly threatened. Once again showing how dangerous it is to allow heterosexuals in the military.

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Oxymoron of the year: Private email account.

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Some in the media are commenting how Paula Broadwell always said nice things about General Petraeus’s wife, Holly and never seemed jealous, Well, duh, Paula figured she’d already “won” by him cheating on his wife, she was jealous of potential mistress 2.0.

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Well, give him points for honesty: QB Tyler Bray told reporters “I’m paid to win football games.” For the initiated, Bray plays at Tennessee. Not the Titans. The University of Tennessee.

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Mike D’Antoni told the NY Daily News that he was surprised the Lakers wanted him to coach. Said Phil Jackson, “that makes two of us.”

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Elmo’s accuser has recanted, and says theirs was a “adult consensual relationship”. What a way for pre-schoolers across the country to learn that C is also for Consensual.

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Many people still think Tim Tebow can perform miracles. Not sure about this turning water into wine stuff. But so far Tebow’s being on the Jets hasn’t turned Mark Sanchez into a decent quarterback.

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Two parents in Massachusetts promised their kids that if a picture of them with a sign begging for a cat got 1,000 FB “likes” they could have a kitten. The children got over 100,000 likes, and the cat. Let’s hope this doesn’t give guys ideas about posting a sign wanting to get rid of their wife or girlfriend’s pet.

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These allegations of the puppeteer behind Elmo having a sexual relationship with a minor were disturbing. Let’s hope Bert and Ernie haven’t sent each other any salacious emails.

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If this Petraeus-Allen scandal turns out to be the tip of the iceberg, how long until Bill Clinton applies to be Secretary of Defense?

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The most common question heard in the Army today? Has to be “How do you REALLY erase emails?”

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The widening scandal involving General Petraeus, Paula Broadwell, General Allen and Jill Kelley brings to mind all the high ranking women politicians and government officials who have made fools of themselves over younger men…. Uh wait. Scratch that.

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