Posted tagged ‘fbi jokes’

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Classes, nothing but classes?

February 3, 2018

 

HS QB prospect Brevin White turned down Alabama for…. Princeton, even though he said Alabama “is a program with a great education.” Crimson Tide players are going “a great what?”

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Tom Brady rookie card sold for $250,000 on eBay. Well, at least something connected with the Patriots QB is over-inflated.

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Patriots staffer spotted today with what appeared to be Tom Brady’s #SuperBowl MVP acceptance speech. Well, this should do wonders for rumors that New England is a team of arrogant a**holes.

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Man who sold Las Vegas shooter 720 rounds of ammunition didn’t have a license to manufacture armor-piercing bullets. But hey, middle-aged white guy, so move along, nothing to see here.

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Who knew the stock market might not like President of the US pissing off the FBI, CIA and DOJ on the same day?

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So when Trump fires Rosenstein and Mueller will he shoot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue just to put an exclamation point on it?

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Seems to me that it’s simple with dueling memos. We’re seen GOP version, now just release Dem version and let American people decide. #MemoDay

 

#PunxsutawneyPhil is such a great scientist you expect @realDonaldTrump to appoint him as head of the National Weather Service.

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George Papadopoulos is now reportedly a “cooperating witness” Hope he has a covfefe taster. #NunesMemo

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Thomas More to Richard Rich, appointed AG to Wales for his perjury that doomed More.  “It profits a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world… but for Wales?

And GOP gave their souls for #NunesMemo?

 

Trump has been convinced FBI, CIA and DOJ have all been against him. Well, if they weren’t before….

 

Just thinking, if there IS a “pee-tape,” wonder how much higher the odds now are of a pissed-off and insulted FBI agent accidentally, uh, leaking it.

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If Piers Morgan hadn’t angrily retweeted BBC cartoon of him with his face in Trump’s ass many people would have assumed the kneeling man was some random GOP member of Congress.

 

Yo memo’s so thin and insignificant, Trump wants to date it. #YoMemoJokes

 

From TC  “Budweiser will be airing a new ad during Super Bowl that will show how they shut down a Bud production line and converted it to can only water for donations to Houston, Florida and California during their crises last year. Nice gesture, but they could have just used the “Bud Light line” which is pretty much equal to water.

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From Marc Ragovin –  “Vegas is actually taking bets on the quarter and time on the clock when refs will screw up a call in Patriots’ favor.”

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Try to remember?

May 9, 2017

Remember those days when not paying attention to internet at work meant you just missed out on cat videos & sports scores?

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LaVar Ball now says that even Michael Jordan couldn’t sell shoes for $495. “Because he ain’t Lonzo Ball, that’s why. Did he have his own brand coming in? It’s a new era called the Ball era.”
Damn, I miss the days when LaVar would have been the most outrageous person quoted in the news.

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Time to change U.S. motto from “E pluribus unum” to “mildly nauseated.”

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#JamesComey has been fired by President. Trump’s not showing much gratitude to the man who got him the job.

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So it’s going to be a tough decision for Trump to appoint a new FBI director to replace #Comey: Will it be Ivanka or Jared?

 

#KellyannConway says #Comey‘s firing was “not a cover-up” Guess she’s resurfaced from whatever lifeboat she was pushed into.

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Seems pretty obvious that Trump thinks political cost of firing #Comey will be less than political cost of letting him keep investigating.

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When you’re getting trolled on Twitter by the Nixon library.  “FUN FACT: President Nixon never fired the Director of the FBI

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Qantas CEO laughed it off after he was pied in the face at a conference in Perth. Spirit Airlines CEO would have tried to see if there was a way they could sell pie pieces as onboard snacks.

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Airlines treat passengers like they are less than human, and are then surprised when they act accordingly.

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Jury has reached murder verdict in #SierraLaMar case on DNA evidence, despite no body. California, where we still believe in science!

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If Trump bans all cameras, laptops, Kindles & iPads as carry-ones for intl flights biz travelers & parents could join to demand impeachment.

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In Washington, a tunnel has apparently collapsed at Hanford nuclear waste site. But hey, who needs those burdensome federal safety regulations?

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Is this what it was like to watch the 1962 Mets? @SFGiants

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SF Giants put Melancon on the 10-day DL with a “mild right pronator strain. Well, not like there have been that many games to save.

 

No Tony Parker, no Kawhi Leonard, and Spurs beat Rockets in OT.   Someone check Manu Ginoboli for illicit fountain of youth water.

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Ginobili, after his game of his decade, saved the game for Spurs with a block on Harden. Amazing. He didn’t look a day over 38.

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Keep calm and f*ck terrorism

March 22, 2017

lego

 

 

My favorite city in the world. And yes I would go back tomorrow. If we stop traveling the bad guys win.

This mural, btw,  is made completely out of Lego, in the London store – Leicester Square.

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Wow. A reasonable and measured response. Maybe the rumors that Tillerson won’t last long as Secretary of State in this administration are true. “We condemn these horrific acts of violence, and whether they were carried out by troubled individuals or by terrorists, the victims know no difference,”

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It’s always awful when innocent people are hurt. But Britain has very tight gun laws, at least London assailant wasn’t armed.

 

Four murdered, including a police officer, until the suspect himself was shot by police. Not just London, but today in Wisconsin. The suspect is an American man with a gun. Move along, nothing to see here.

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CNN reports FBI has information indicating Trump campaign associates communicated “with suspected Russian operatives to possibly coordinate the release of information damaging to Hillary Clinton’s campaign.”
#Fakenews tweet from Donald in 3.2.1….

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Ghanaian Soccer player Mohammed Anas, who made headlines when he thanked his wife AND girlfriend during an interview now says “My family knows that I call my daughter my girlfriend. That’s what I was talking about. I don’t have a girlfriend.”
Is Anas trying for a post in the Trump administration?

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Trumpcare will not have a requirement to cover mental health. While Congress also reduces gun regulations. What could possibly go wrong?

 

Puerto Rico has seen enough of Brandon Crawford.  Late in tonight’s game what they really wanted to see is the 2016 SF Giants’ bullpen. #WBC

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Just guessing  Ian Kinsler, who hit a home run after bashing Puerto Rico’s style of play, might want to plan his next Caribbean vacation somewhere other than San Juan?

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Almost didn’t recognize Dodger Stadium for #WBC championship tonight. Stands were basically full in first inning. @espn

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#BeckyHammon is apparently a finalist for the head coaching job at Florida. Alas it’s the women’s team. She can coach men. @Spurs

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Roger Goodell says that the NFL will address when a commercial is followed by a kickoff and then followed by another commercial. “I hate that, too. Our goal is to eliminate it.”
By just running longer commercials after kickoffs?

 

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Count down

November 7, 2016

Some bipartisan good news on this pre-election weekend. It is now less than 100 days until pitchers & catchers report. #SpringTraining #MLB

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The over-under on @Saints @49ers today was 53. Has anyone in Vegas watched New Orleans offense AND defense play?

 

Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was ejected today after throwing a towel at an officlal. Had Kelce hit the guy he might have received an offer to QB the Browns.

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Former SF 49ers coach Mike Nolan “You could do a lot worse” than Trent Baalke in picking players. Even Cleveland Browns fans are going “Really?”

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A Swiss chocolate maker has created a new “Frauenmond” bar with herbs that is supposed to help with menstrual cramps and lift women’s moods during their periods. Well, chocolate has long been known to help at “that time of month.” As long as men get out of the way and let women have it.

 

Apparently the protestor who so scared everyone at the Trump rally in Reno had broken a “no private signs” rule. Figures. Trump is a huge defender of the 2nd amendment. But he’s not so big on the 1st.

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Nancy Pelosi came out today in favor of a California proposition to legalize marijuana. And a lot of regular users are thinking, isn’t this a bit late for next month’s election?

 

I liked Gilda Radner’s Roseanne Roseannadana’s act much better than #FBI director Jim #Comey‘s. #NeverMind

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Even though the gun rumor was quickly debunked, Donald Trump Jr and Trump’s social media director tweeted last night about an assassination attempt. Because maybe they thought everyone at a Trump rally SHOULD have a gun?

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Lots of last minute political fundraising emails, as if there’s time for mailers, hiring staff or even finding 30 seconds of air time to buy?

 

With this email mess, #JimComey might have gotten more hatred from Democrats AND Republicans in D.C. than anyone not named Dan Snyder.

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Trump’s aides have apparently taken away his Twitter access until Tuesday. And now the Twitter site was down Sunday night. Coincidence? “If I can’t tweet, nobody tweets”

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Re Trump ban on private signs at rallies: could anyone write anything more offensive than some of the things he actually says?

 

Donald Trump has done a faster 180 degree turn around on how he feels about FBI Director Jim Comey than about anyone he hasn’t married.

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With all talk about #DNCLeak2 good time for #RNC to release their emails, prove how honorable they are by comparison?

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and a post World Series comment from Marc Ragovin: “World Chess Federation officials are concerned about a possible lack of interest in the upcoming championship tournament because a typical game can take up to six hours to complete.  “Amateurs,” said Major League Baseball.

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It’s all about standards:

November 1, 2016

While we attack political pandering in the US, give White  Sox fan Barack Obama major props for not pretending to root for the Cubs in the World Series

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Mets closer Jeurys Familia was arrested yesterday for alleged domestic violence. Shocking NY fans who thought all Familia hit in October was other teams’ bats.

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Add #Familia to the list, along with #Chapman, of closers #SFGiants want nothing to do with.

 

New ad #JeurysFamilia: “I’m a baseball fan. I’m a Mets fan. I’m NOT A FAN of domestic violence.” Not a fan because he is a DV player? Sigh

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Eagles WR Josh Huff was arrested this morning. He was allegedly speeding while in possession of a gun AND marijuana. So is that the NFL arrest trifecta?

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Sean Payton yesterday “We’re the only league that has officials that have primary other jobs, which is really madness. We can pay these guys. They should be full-time NFL officials, and they should be working throughout the week, communicating”
Can’t wait to see how much Roger Goodell penalizes the Saints for this one.

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Washington LT Trent WIlliams the latest NFL player suspended four -games for violating the league’s substance-abuse policy. But he can still work out and go to team meetings, so should be back and fresh in plenty of time for any potential  postseason. Other than the lack of pay anyone but me thinking these wrist-slaps are almost a mid-season vacation?

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The SF 49ers are allowing the most points per game, and are averaging the fewest yards in NFL. Talk about a well-balanced team.

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As the FBI absurdity continues have to think that private meeting Bill Clinton had with Loretta Lynch on the tarmac is making Hillary angrier even than she was about Monica.

 

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Anti @HillaryClinton ad during the #WorldSeries Sponsored by NRA. Another reason to say #ImWithHer

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If  Wikileaks & FBI about to leak every email sent in last 10 years to national media, I’m sure most Americans would have nothing to hide.

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Monday the FBI just happened to release documents about Bill Clinton’s pardon of Marc Rich (remember him?) in 2001. Then they issued a tweet about the files today. Anyone still think the bureau is impartial?

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Shall we start a pool on what documents @FBI will release tomorrow? #VinceFoster, #Whitewater, @HillaryClinton’s report cards? #WTF?

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Regarding John Kasich’s choice to write in John McCain instead of either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump, wonder if he plans to run for President again in 2020. When no doubt the Ohio Governor would tell Americans he is ready to make the really tough choices facing this country.

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She’s got mail.

July 5, 2016

The FBI says they will not press charges against Hillary Clinton. Director James Comey says there was no “clear evidence” of intentional misconduct.  So this will change exactly zero minds on Hillary’s guilt or innocence.

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FBI director James Comey did say Hillary Clinton was “extremely careless” but if GOP is going to condemn a lack of judgment with her emails‬ what about those Iraq WMDs?
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Until today, Republicans admired FBI director James Comey, like they used to admire judge Merrick Garland.
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FBI director James Comey said “‘no reasonable prosecutor” would bring a case against Clinton for emails. I am sure this will convince the GOP as they’ve reasonably only voted 60 times to repeal Obamacare.
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Paul Ryan tonight said the GOP will hold hearings on the FBI’s decision not to prosecute Hillary Clinton over the emails. Why don’t they run them along with another Benghazi hearing? Would save time.

 

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Just wondering how many Americans screaming about Hillary ‪#‎Clinton‬‘s email server have any idea what an email server actually is.

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Now a drug- resistant bacteria has been found in the water off some of Rio’s most popular beaches. Well security at the Olympics may not be as big a problem as previously feared: if this keeps up even ISIL will be scared to go near the place.

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If Donald Trump wanted to tweet about real ‪#‎RiggedSystem‬, he should have ignored Hillary’s emails & talked about ‪#‎AllStarGame‬ voting.

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More wins than any team in National League & only one position player in the ‪#‎AllStarGame‬. But ‪#‎SFGiants‬ players need the rest anyway.  (If the bullpen hadn’t blown 6 of 9 last saves they’d have more wins than any team in baseball.)

 

#‎SFGiants‬ now take over the major league lead from the ‪#‎Reds‬ in blown saves. ‪#‎notthetitleyouwant‬

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ESPN is devoting an hour to the MLB “Esurance All-Star Selection Show” tonight. An hour?! So where’s that hacker who leaked the March Madness brackets when we need him or her?

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‪#‎SFGiants‬ need to trade for ‪#‎NolanArenado‬ someday if for no other reason than to keep him from batting against them.

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Best news for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ with ‪#‎KevinDurant‬ to ‪#‎Warriors‬; even in even year, they’re not the SF Bay Area team most burdened w/ high expectations.

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The Alabama AD self-reported five violations for the 2015-16 academic year against their football team. The school said they were all “secondary violations,” which don’t lead to probation. Well of course, isn’t anything the Crimson Tide football teams do at most a secondary violation.

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To err is human, to really screw things up requires a computer. This is the response I got today on confirming a hotel night….in midtown Manhattan:
ROOM VIEW – OCEAN VIEW

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Apparently some parents were upset to find out that Hooters had sponsored a 3-day Cub Scout camp, and sent a few of their waitresses to volunteer. Even more upset, some fathers whose own Cub Scout volunteer days may now be over.

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Meanwhile, while some Americans freak out over terrorism, more than 60 people were shot in Chicago over the 4th of July weekend; four died.

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Clinton campaign statement on the FBI decision not to charge her over emails: “We are glad this matter is now resolved.”
Glad for no charges I can see, but “resolved?” Right, like Obama’s birth certificate, or Obamacare for that matter, ever was resolved with many in the GOP… ‪#‎shecandream‬

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Donald Trump today on Saddam Hussein: “He was a bad guy — really bad guy. But you know what? He did well? He killed terrorists.”
Yeah, along with only maybe 250,000-500,000 Iraqis. ‪#‎ThisIShimtryingtobePresidential‬

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Out of their league?

March 29, 2016

Nice “aww” story, A young boy ran on the basketball court in New Orleans to give Carmelo Anthony a hug. Of course, it could have ended badly – the kid could have dunked on the Knicks.

 

UConn women’s basketball team is so dominant, that it’s become controversial whether or not they are good for the sport. Perhaps after the season the Lady Huskies should be forced to play a team more on their level – like the Lakers. (or Knicks or Lakers)

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The Pelicans had SEVEN injured players for their game against the Knicks Monday, and New Orleans still won, 99-91. Wow. Carmelo and the team didn’t need a hug for that performance, they needed a time-out.

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The FBI is dropping their sui against Apple because they say they have cracked the San Bernandino terrorist’s iPhone. So they finally tried “password1234″” instead of “password123”?

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Donald Trump’s campaign manager was charge with battery after an incident when he grabbed a woman reporter earlier this month. Although knowing Trump supporters they’ll probably just take it as a positive sign that the Donald will be tough on the media.
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‪#‎DougFlutie‬‘s “Hail Mary” 1984 pass is almost as much of a miracle as the fact he’s gotten me to watch ‪#‎DWTS‬

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An Indian company. Bakeys, has developed edible, compostable cutlery, made of rice, millet and wheat, offered in sweet, savory, or plain flavors. The utensils even work for hot items, including soup. Only problem going forward in the U.S? At places like Taco Bell they may taste better than the food.

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Wish this were the Onion: A company has reportedly come up with a handgun that looks like a Smartphone and unfolds to fire. ‪#‎Whatcouldpossiblygowrong‬?

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R.I.P Patty Duke, 69. Does it mean you’re old when you remember when 69 was old.

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In Northern California, a man who left his dog in his car when he had to spend a night in jail, has now pleaded no contest to animal cruelty and has been sentenced to 24 days MORE in jail. The sentence begins presumably after he finds a dogsitter?

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A new app, Daily Joints, wants to be Tinder for marijuana users. With the added advantage that if it doesn’t work out, you don’t remember who you hooked up with anyway.

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The NFL apparently wants a retraction from the New York Times about a story claiming concussion cases were omitted when the league downplayed the effects of head injuries on players.
Politico reports a letter sent from the NFL to the paper says the story is “false and defamatory.” Like the Pentagon Papers?

 

Are you listening, Susan Sarandon? Even the church of baseball has some absolutes.

 

 

There are rumors that several Cuban migrants who were rescued from a raft off the Florida coast with gunshot wounds may have shot themselves in order to be taken to U.S. hospitals and thus given asylum. And Trump really thinks a wall will stop desperate people?

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