Archive for the ‘Hillary jokes’ category

Against all odds

February 15, 2017

Tiger Woods is 20-1 in Las Vegas to win a major in 2017. A major what?

 

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott is upset that the NFL might not award future Super Bowls to the state if an anti-transgender bathroom bill passes: “The NFL needs to concentrate on playing football and get the heck out of politics.”
Uh huh. Just guessing most Texans would go for rainbow pins and unisex bathrooms if the alternative is giving up any football.

At a Louisiana high school, Alabama has been banned from campus because of “unethical football recruiting practices.” I’m sure it’s just coincidence that the school is in Baton Rouge.  (home of LSU)

Trump says that unlike President Obama he is not going to publicly fill out a March Madness bracket. But no doubt  he will tell us after the tournament that of course he picked all the winners. A perfect score, the best ever.

Apparently quite a number of celebrities have volunteered to play Trump aides on SNL. The show is getting to be almost as cool again for a cameo as the Simpsons. (or decades ago, Batman.)

Senate voted to block Obama rule prohibiting people w/ serious mental disorders from buying guns. What could go wrong?

All these headlines “Andrew Puzder withdraws” Too bad Frederick Trump didn’t.

Andrew Puzder, who according to CBS News told friends he was “very tired of the abuse” he was getting, is withdrawing his nomination as Labor Secretary. Great choice of words for a man who admitted to employing an undocumented housekeeper and has been accused of domestic violence against his ex-wife.

Who knew an act of resistance might become simply buying a copy of the @NYTimes or @washingtonpost?

 

Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is being considered for ambassador to France. Tonight Jared Kushner’s father Charles, a convicted felon who’s served prison time, said his family has decided not to try to buy the team.
So at least for now, MLB remains a Trump-free zone. #smallmercies

Trump is now tweeting that NSA &d FBI are “just like Russia.” Well that ought to improve his relations with the intelligence community.

Well, well, well… someone finally remembered where he put his backbone – John McCain says he will oppose confirmation of Trump budget nominee Mick Mulvaney

As of Oct. 2015, there were 8 investigations into Benghazi.  Led by same people who don’t think it’s worth spending time on Russia & election

GOP Reps. Jason Chaffetz and Bob Goodlatte today asked the Inspector General to “begin an immediate investigation into whether classified information was mishandled” with the leaks that led to Michael Flynn’s resignation.
Funny, I missed their outrage when Trump asked Russia to find Hillary’s missing emails.

 

 

Count down

November 7, 2016

Some bipartisan good news on this pre-election weekend. It is now less than 100 days until pitchers & catchers report. #SpringTraining #MLB

The over-under on @Saints @49ers today was 53. Has anyone in Vegas watched New Orleans offense AND defense play?

 

Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was ejected today after throwing a towel at an officlal. Had Kelce hit the guy he might have received an offer to QB the Browns.

Former SF 49ers coach Mike Nolan “You could do a lot worse” than Trent Baalke in picking players. Even Cleveland Browns fans are going “Really?”

A Swiss chocolate maker has created a new “Frauenmond” bar with herbs that is supposed to help with menstrual cramps and lift women’s moods during their periods. Well, chocolate has long been known to help at “that time of month.” As long as men get out of the way and let women have it.

 

Apparently the protestor who so scared everyone at the Trump rally in Reno had broken a “no private signs” rule. Figures. Trump is a huge defender of the 2nd amendment. But he’s not so big on the 1st.

Nancy Pelosi came out today in favor of a California proposition to legalize marijuana. And a lot of regular users are thinking, isn’t this a bit late for next month’s election?

 

I liked Gilda Radner’s Roseanne Roseannadana’s act much better than #FBI director Jim #Comey‘s. #NeverMind

Even though the gun rumor was quickly debunked, Donald Trump Jr and Trump’s social media director tweeted last night about an assassination attempt. Because maybe they thought everyone at a Trump rally SHOULD have a gun?

Lots of last minute political fundraising emails, as if there’s time for mailers, hiring staff or even finding 30 seconds of air time to buy?

 

With this email mess, #JimComey might have gotten more hatred from Democrats AND Republicans in D.C. than anyone not named Dan Snyder.

Trump’s aides have apparently taken away his Twitter access until Tuesday. And now the Twitter site was down Sunday night. Coincidence? “If I can’t tweet, nobody tweets”

Re Trump ban on private signs at rallies: could anyone write anything more offensive than some of the things he actually says?

 

Donald Trump has done a faster 180 degree turn around on how he feels about FBI Director Jim Comey than about anyone he hasn’t married.

With all talk about #DNCLeak2 good time for #RNC to release their emails, prove how honorable they are by comparison?

and a post World Series comment from Marc Ragovin: “World Chess Federation officials are concerned about a possible lack of interest in the upcoming championship tournament because a typical game can take up to six hours to complete.  “Amateurs,” said Major League Baseball.

Turn back the clock game?

November 5, 2016

 

#Washington played well against #Cal, but not sure how many East Coast media saw as the  2nd half started at 1250a East Coast time.  On the night Daylight Saving Time ends.  Should they have promoted it as “Turn Back the Clock Night?”

Oregon’s football program has fallen so far so fast that they may change their mascot from Donald Duck to Mickey Mouse. #Pac12 @espn

 

 

Cubs backup catcher Miguel Montero, complaining about the World Series: “It was different for me. It was a different emotion because I didn’t get a chance to play. I was a little disappointed, to be honest, because I felt like I did a good job in the regular season but was left out a little bit.”
Thinking maybe Chicago should trade Montero to say, San Diego or Minnesota where the regular season is all he’ll have to worry about.

ESPN reports that in Oregon Phil Knight might pay over $10 million a year for a football coach, in the hopes of finally winning the College Football Championship. Well, former Ducks coach Chip Kelly is almost certainly available.

#YoenisCespedes is opting for free agency. So wonder which jersey he’ll temporarily wear this year?

 

Texas A&M lost to Mississippi State.  Could be tough for the College Football Playoff committee – Which one-loss SEC team will they put ahead of Washington this week?

Election night may set record for US alcohol consumption. Only ? for most Americans -what they will drink @HillaryClinton @realDonaldTrump

The Associated Press reported yesterday that Melania Trump was paid for 10 modeling jobs in the U.S. before she was legally able to work in the U.S.
So guess the AP’s now on the Donald’s list. Another reason not to put Trump in the White House, he’s running out of press that he’d be willing to give credentials to….

 

If @realDonaldTrump really wants to attack @HillaryClinton on leaked emails he should release his own emails to show how pure HIS campaign is.

For all that @realDonaldTrump likes to rag on @HillaryClinton as a Senator, easy to forget she was re-elected with 67 percent of vote.

 

A man with a “Republicans Against Trump” sign was handcuffed and taken away from a Reno Trump rally today. No weapon was found. Already the Donald’s supporters are painting him as a Hillary supporter bent on assassination. Waiting for the morning when no doubt it will alleged be that Hillary paid him herself to shoot Trump.

 

Swing state voters who NEED to protest vote: please do it on Dancing w/ the Stars or something. Only 2 real choices for President & it matters.

 

 

 

 

From T.C.  M GM Theo Epstein has now guided the Red Sox and Cubs to World Series wins, snapping the 2 longest droughts in baseball championship history. In related news, the Toronto Maple Leafs are trying to hire him.

No game 8?

November 3, 2016

World Series Game 7 was moved up 8 minutes from a 5:08pm to a 5:00pm start, ostensibly to try to get it over before the rain came. Had it started at the scheduled time, that rain delay, instead of giving the Cubs a chance to regroup, would have happened before the bottom of the 9th, possibly meaning Chapman could not have pitched, certainly giving him more time to stew about the blown save.

Hmm, Hillary Clinton is a Cubs fan, where’s the Congressional investigation?

 

So if #SFGiants really want to win #WorldSeries again in 2017, maybe they don’t need to sign a closer, just another ex -Oakland A or two..

 

Time to start a pool on how much Roger Goodell fines Richard Sherman for this one? “The league isn’t fun anymore….they say we’re trying to influence kids, and that’s their biggest thing. That’s their biggest ploy is you don’t want to be a bad influence to kids. You don’t want to be a bad role model. And I can agree with that. But in the same breath, you can’t say Budweiser is the official sponsor of the NFL, and we’re trying to influence kids. ”

And on the league talking about player safety “That’s for public perception. They don’t care about player safety. But they do care about paying the quarterback $20 million and him missing a season. They do care about that.” #whenShermanisrightheisright

Lots of outrage on the internet because Neiman Marcus is selling precooked, ready-to-heat-and-serve collard greens for $66.  Even Whole Foods is stunned. They would have charged $99.

A Mississippi lawyer is suing Popeyes after he says he choked on a piece of fried chicken. His claim is that because the restaurant didn’t give him a knife, he had to eat the chicken with his hands instead of cutting it into bite-size pieces.
Uh, how about suing his parents, who didn’t teach him how to chew?

#MelaniaTrump gave a speech today about cyber bullying. This is like #BillClinton giving a speech on marital fidelity.

#MelaniaTrump today “Our culture has gotten too mean.” Sounds like she pays as much attention to what her husband says as #MikePence does.

 

Ted Cruz, who famously said at the RNC convention “Vote your conscience,” is now stumping for Donald Trump. But it’s not as Ted is contradicting himself on conscience – he doesn’t have one.

 

Interesting election side note: Both Hillary Clinton nor Donald Trump have detractors, and neither are beloved in their own parties, But while many big names in the GOP have publicly turned on Trump, no major Democrat that I can think of has turned on Hillary. And as a life-long Democrat, I can tell you, it’s NOT because we’re the organized party.

 

From an anonymous friend   about bipartisan pre-election “inner peace..

“A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives during this political season, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I’d started & hadn’t finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu hav no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.”

 

From Bill Littlejohn:  “In the wake of the Cubs’ World Series title, scholars say that at least 45% of the prophecies of Nastrodamus will have to be researched and re-interpreted”

Same time next century?

November 2, 2016

So expecting the @Cubs to repeat in 2124?

After tonight I am really going to miss baseball. But I am NOT going to miss Joe  Buck.

Clearly the worst position in sports to be in is to have a 3-1 series lead? #Cubs #Indians #Warriors #Cavs

 

Well that was fun, so what time is game 8? #WorldSeries

So many ex-A’s making a difference in #WorldSeries maybe @Athletics should get a playoff share.

#DavidRoss becomes only man in @MLB history to hit home runs off both #AndrewMiller & #MarkGrace #WorldSeries

 

Try explaining this game to someone who’s never paid attention to baseball before? #WorldSeries @Cubs @Indians

And even to serious baseball fans, what  is this sport being played by pitchers who can’t go 6 innings?

Time to just cancel school in #Chicago & #Cleveland tomorrow already? #WorldSeries #Game7 @Cubs @Indians

 

We interrupt warm fuzzy World Series feelings to remind everyone about the Cubs’ owners, the Ricketts famiiy. They launched “Future45,” a conservative PAC who want the 45th President to be a Republican. They spent big against Bernie, and are now spending many  millions in pro-Trump attack ads against Hillary Clinton.

Today is #NationalStressAwarenessDay How could have I forgotten that?

#AnthonyWeiner mess is disgusting enough to make Democrats long for good old days when our most problematic douchebag was #JohnEdwards.

 

Awful morning news to hear two policemen ambushed and fatally shot in Iowa. Waiting for Trump to angrily tweet about the news for his campaign. Oh, wait, American-born white male suspect with a Confederate flag Never mind.

#PaulRyan campaigns across the country for #GOP like he’s playing Password, and #Trump is the secret word he can’t say.

Trump tweet today about how he is “going to repeal and replace ObamaCare. We will have MUCH less expensive and MUCH better healthcare.”
Of course Trump won’t tell us how he’s going to do this. Like everything else it’s a secret….

So some GOP congressmen are now worried about a potential impeachment crisis with Hillary Clinton over emails. Haven’t they been planning already to come up with some impeachment reason on Nov 9? When they could find time between votes repealing Obama.

In North Texas, someone blocked an official polling place sign with a Trump sign, and glued razor blades into the bottom of the placard. A poll worker sustained minor cuts while removing it. #Stayclassy

Nobody’s perfect.

October 28, 2016

Jon Stewart, when he quit “The Daily Show” in 2015. “I’d covered an election four times, and it didn’t appear that there was going to be anything wildly different about this one.”

Another reason baseball is the BEST sport. In a 1-0 game you can’t just play keep-away & try to run out clock. #WorldSeries #Indians #Cubs

The World Series reminds us again that #As really are a farm system for the rest of MLB. #Crisp #Zobrist #Lester #Russell #Davis #Otero

While the SF Giants are not in the World Series, Giants fans had to like to hear ESPN’s play-by-play announcer Dan Shulman on Indians pitcher Tomlin “”he can handle bat though he’s no Bumgarner.”

The U.K. Telegraph finally posted an interview with Bob Dylan saying he “absolutely” wants to attend the Nobel Prize Ceremony “if it’s at all possible.”
Actually, Dylan probably gave the interview on the day he won the award, it’s just taken them this long to translate it.

A recent Chapman University poll showed that 32% of Americans are afraid of climate change, while 42% are afraid of clowns. #BeamMeUpScottieThereIsNoIntelligentLifeOnThisPlanet

In a debate with Tammy Duckworth, who is a Purple Heart winner from the Iraq War and double amputee, Sen. Mark Kirk made a jab at her mother’s being from Thailand. Among those who have criticized him, KellyAnne Conway. Thereby answering a question “How low do you have to go to be called out by the Trump campaign?”.

Today is #NationalChocolateDay. And women are going “Isn’t EVERY day ‘National Chocolate Day?'”

 

Pac 12 Commissioner Larry Scott, answering a reporter’s question about a TV contract that has Cal playing back-to-back weeknight games during a tough academic period. “That hasn’t been a parameter, academic schedules per se, so it hasn’t come up… Well of course not, the idea of big conference television contracts started with the SEC. #whatacademicschedules?

 

An American Airlines flight at O’Hare caught fire when a tire apparently blew on takeoff. Expect flight delays. And for United Airlines to immediately institute a tire maintenance fee.

“New” Clinton emails may be from #AnthonyWeiner. Will #FBI agents reading them get hardship pay for needing to take so many showers?

 

No doubt Hillary Clinton is furious over the alleged Anthony Weiner messages being used to reopen her FBI email investigation. On the other hand, she has to be very thankful sexting wasn’t an option during Bill’s time in the White House.

Rumor today that if Hillary Clinton wins she would like to name Biden as Secretary of State. Wonder if this means Joe, who would be 81,  wants to run for President in 2024?

 

From T.C.  “Tickets for this weekend’s games at Wrigley will average $5,000 ea. Of course, this includes Steve Bartman’s ticket. The Cubs gave him $10,000 to go watch the game at a bar in Miami.”

Maybe 81-1?

October 25, 2016

So maybe Golden State Warriors don’t want pressure of an undefeated season? Or maybe Greg Popovich is a very very good coach

 

And maybe Spurs assistant coach Becky Hammon, who was head coach of the Spurs D-league in 2014 when Jonathan Simmons took MVP honors 2014,  is also a pretty good coach.

Big night in sports. #WorldSeries began for MLB. And the NBA started the 82-game second phase of their preseason.

World Series started tonight. Maybe if MLB actually showed some regular season games and put the playoffs on network television, millions of Americans might be able to name at least one Cleveland Indian.

#CarlosSantana starting at DH for @Indians. Casual fans thinking shouldn’t he play anthem instead & isn’t he kind of old. #WorldSeries

 

So for a while tonight it was looking like it was not just Bruce Bochy who might have pulled a star starter in playoffs too early.

But reliever Andrew Miller, with a 3 run lead, got the tying run to the plate in the 7th and 8th innings… and got out of it both times.  What a concept.  #SFGiants  #Sigh

The NY Giants have released kicker Josh Brown, saying that “Our beliefs, our judgments and our decisions were misguided.”
Translation, we never believed those documents would be made public.

In select markets, #Arby’s announced they will begin testing venison sandwiches in select markets. Oh, deer.

Tuesday was  #NationalPassiveAggressive day. Fine, whatever.

Barack Obama on Jimmy Kimmel last night “What I don’t do is at 3 a.m. I don’t tweet about people who insulted me. I try to sleep so that in the morning I’m actually ready for a crisis.”
Waiting for the Donald tonight at 3 a.m. to insult the President’s stamina.

 

Glenn Beck just said he thinks Donald Trump is a sociopath. Well, the pot SHOULD be a kettle expert.

A new White House executive action will require airlines to refund baggage fees for delayed baggage. Seems reasonable. Wonder how much airlines will raise fees to cover it.

 

A British Airways flight from San Francisco to London made an emergency landing in Vancouver after the entire crew, including the pilot, became ill. Did they all have the fish? #Ahospitalwhatisit? #surelyyoucantbeserious

Justin Timberlake posted a selfie of himself doing early voting wth a covered up ballot, urging people to vote. But pictures in polling places are illegal in Tennessee. The horror. Trump claiming election fraud in 3.2.1…..

 

After Megyn Kelly told Newt Gingrich people have a right to hear reporting on women accusing Trump of being a “sexual predator, ” Gingrich actually shouted “You are fascinated with sex and you don’t care about public policy!”
Well, that should help with the women’s vote.

Trump told Reuters today as President he would not put any Democrats in his cabinet. Which could be tough. Not sure the Donald could find enough Republicans he hasn’t mortally offended.

Colin Powell today announced ““I am voting for Hillary Clinton.” Waiting for attack tweets from #DonaldTrump against Powell in 3.2.1….

 

My boat would have been huge, the best, that shark would have been sushi. Only losers get eaten. #TrumpaHorrorMovie

 

He had very small hands. I ate them with fava beans & the bestest Chianti. #TrumpAHorrorMovie.

 

From Mark Ricklis  “Have you seen the new Trump website? Grope-on.”