Posted tagged ‘home run derby jokes’

Not with a bang nor a whimper

July 11, 2016

No farewell tour for Tim Duncan,  unless you say it was the same quiet tour he was on for almost two decades.

Of course unlike Kobe, Duncan figured his last season would extend beyond the regular season.

 

#‎TimDuncan‬ will be in Hall of Fame for many reasons. But this stat will probably never be matched again. He played 19 years, for ONE coach.

 

Draymond Green was arrested on assault charges in Michigan after what a police source called “basically an altercation between two guys.” And at this point, the Warriors and NBA have to be thinking “Well, at least it wasn’t a woman.”

Congrats to ‪#‎JohnnyCueto‬ for being named NL All-Star game starting pitcher. Not a bad consolation prize for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ not getting Zack Greinke

 

You could have actually bet on the Home Run Derby winner tonight in Las Vegas. And if you seriously bet, and care, you just MIGHT have a gambling problem.

(But if you bet on Celebrity Softball you DEFINITELY have a problem.)

 

 

Ok, probably didn’t want to see him risk injury with 50 plus swings. But would have been fun to see a ‪#‎MadBum‬ cameo in ‪#‎HomeRunDerby‬

San Diego Padres All-Star Wil Myers today told the media “East Coast Mexican food is better than West Coast Mexican food.” Has someone checked Myers for concussions?

So many top ‪#‎NL‬ pitchers won’t be playing in this year’s All-Star game you’d almost think it was an Olympic event.

(or as my friend Steve L. says “or the GOP convention.)

Jordan Spieth is the latest golfer to withdraw from the Olympics. If this keeps up maybe Tiger Woods should consider going to Rio – he could win by attrition.

United flight from San Francisco to Frankfurt delayed almost two hours due to “catering difficulties.” Wouldn’t it have been faster to call Domino’s?

Starbucks is giving all US store employees and managers at least a 5% raise this year, plus improved stock benefits. And soon no doubt a generous low-interest loan payment plan for their regular customers.

#‎PokemonGO‬, the hottest new app in years, but it has security risks. As in players are likely to walk into trees. other people, & traffic.

Donald Trump today called himself the “law and order candidate.” As in “I make my own laws and don’t follow orders.”

GOP now pushing for a perjury probe against Hillary Clinton over her emails. Because of course they wanted the same probe with the Bush administration over those alleged WMDs. Oh, wait, never mind.

 

Got a free sample of Eye Repair Cream today, a solid white cream that claims to “reduce the look of dark circles and puffiness.” On the back – “For external use only.” ‪#‎beammeupScottietheresnointelligentlifeonthisplanet‬

As ‪#‎BernieSanders‬ prepares to endorse ‪#‎HillaryClinton‬ anyone but me half expect him to say at the last minute “Just kidding”?

 

With joke writing, you never know in advance about getting material, except this week – when Donald Trump will announce his running mate

All-Star Eve

July 13, 2015

Congrats to Todd Frazier, who defeated Joc Pederson 14-13 to win the All-Star Home Run Derby. MLB next year may shoot for even higher totals. So instead of players inviting friends and relatives to throw potential home run balls to them, the league may give the job to the Red Sox pitching staff.

There were actually worries that severe thunderstorms might have rained tonight out.  So maybe even God was thinking He/She was getting a bit tired of the Home Run Derby.

Even Gregg Popovich is impressed with this exchange between a FoxSports reporter and Zack Greinke.

“Matt Vasgergian: “Zack, you want to say a few words?”

Zack Greinke: “No.”

Some SF Giants fans are unhappy that Bruce Bochy is starting Zack Greinke over Madison Bumgarner in the All-Star Game. But really, Greinke IS having a better year. Must have helped to have had most of last October off.

All-Star Game starting pitchers, the Dodgers’ Zack Greinke and the Astros’ Dallas Keuchel. Top two questions from casual baseball fans: 1. Aren’t the Astros in the NL? and 2. Dallas who?

Open note to Bruce Bochy. If the All-Star game is down to the bottom of the ninth and the NL is behind, save one of those Pirate players to pinch hit. ‪#‎backtobackextrainningwalkoffs‬

What’s a bigger sign of the apocalypse? That the AL All-Star game has no starters from either the Yankees or the Red Sox? Or that the Cubs are over .500 at the All-Star break?

(thanks to Neal for the idea that got the above started.)

Not only did Mexican drug lord El Chapo escape, he did so via a lighted and ventilated tunnel, over a mile long, which he somehow had built while inside a maximum security prison. It’s a shame this guy is such a bad dude, Caltrans could use him to oversee some of their building projects.

 

FSU president John E. Thrasher met with the Semnoles’ football team today, and apparently gave them a lecture to remind them that playing for Florida State is a “privilege, not a right.”

Seems like three words would have done it. “Don’t get arrested.”

This week is the SEC media days for football. Over 1,200 (not a typo) members of the media requested credentials. And some people really wonder why these players have trouble with the student-athlete concept….

Fortunately there were no injuries when a 19 year-old-old crashed his car in Atherton, California Saturday night, totaling the car and wiping out fences and shubbery. He was allegedly drunk. The car was a 2014 Tesla. Another possible affluenza defense?

Scott Walker officially announced he was running for President. Thereby surprising most people who figured he was already running for President.

Joys of the modern age. When you need to change a password. And it’s got to be complicated with different cases, punctuation marks and numbers. And while you’re typing that new password it has to be encrypted so you can’t see what you’re typing.

THEN it asks you to confirm the new password. And says the confirmation doesn’t match, please correct. Except you have no idea if the error was in the first or the second typing because of the encryption. Okay I am done now. ‪#‎therehastobeaneasierway‬

Now it’s Marco Rubio reporting his fundraising  – $12 million in the last 3 months. You know, if you’re someone who makes GOP commercials and campaign material, and you’re still unemployed at this point, you just might want to find another line of work.

From T.C. “Russell Wilson’s new sweetie is singing the anthem at All Star game tomorrow. Wonder if he’ll show up to hand her the microphone.

NL Power outage.

July 15, 2014

Seriously??!   ONE home run gets Todd Frazier to the Home Run Derby finals representing the NL? #ShouldhavepickedMadbum

Thought after watching round one of the Home Run Derby;  Yasiel Puig is no Madison Bumgarner. #SFGiants. #Dodgers

If they ever have an All-Star Game and Home Run derby in pitcher friendly Petco Park, is there a provision for ending it with penalty kicks?

Apparently the SF Bay Area had some of the highest World Cup television ratings in the U.S. For that soccer can thank Northern California’s cultural diversity, advantageous game times with Brazil being only four hours ahead, and oh yeah, the fact the the SF Giants s*cked throughout the month that the tournament was on.

 

 

Today begins a four day stretch without regular MLB games. So Cubs fans looking for their regular experience in the meantime will just have to bang their heads into the wall.

So how long until other teams start intentionally walking Madison Bumgarner with the bases loaded? #SFGIants #Grandslam #MadBum

Apparently Archie of comic book fame will be shot and die in the next issue while trying to protect a gay friend. Waiting to see how the GOP spins this as another reason to impeach Obama.

High school basketball star Emmanuel Mudiay, who had committed to SMU, says he will instead play professionally overseas. What a shame. By skipping college Mudiay could be giving up some of the potential best few months of his life.

The Cleveland Browns are planning to use a live bull-mastiff as their mascot this fall. Of course Browns fans are hoping the real dog doesn’t turn out to be Johnny Manziel.

The 2016 campaign sniping is in fine form. Like this line about Texas Gov. Rick Perry: “Apparently his new glasses haven’t altered his perception of the world, or allowed him to see it any more clearly.” From Hillary Clinton or Joe Biden? Nope, fellow Republican Rand Paul.

TSA surcharges on airline tickets are more than doubling July 21, from $2.50 to $5.60 per flight, with extra charges for layovers of more than 4 hours. As far as paying for misery, these fees are becoming the travel equivalent of alimony.

 

 

Happy belated Bastille Day. And we Americans think we celebrate violence. These lines translated from the first first and chorus of “La Marseillaise”. “The bloody flag is raised. Do you hear in the countryside, The roar of these savage soldiers They come right into our arms To cut the throats of your sons….,To arms, citizens! Form up your battalions Let us march, Let us march! That their impure blood Should water our fields….”

Can’t believe this man once sold used cars…..

July 15, 2013

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig said today that “this sport is cleaner than it’s ever been.” And we thought Abbott and Costello had a hard time keeping straight faces for “Who’s on First.”

In related news, Texas Rangers president Nolan Ryan said today that Manny Ramirez could be called up to the team after the All-Star break.  Wonder if someone was on hand potentially to help Selig with the Heimlich maneuver.

The new version of Twinkies is about 10% smaller than the original version. No doubt Hostess will seek a price increase because the new snack cakes are healthier for you.

No joke, a new poll shows former Gov. Eliot Spitzer and ex-Rep. Anthony Weiner leading in their respective primary races. Who knew so many New Yorkers were aspiring comedians?

 

Johnny Manziel pleaded guilty to a lesser charge stemming from a bar fight in 2012, and will avoid jail time. Give the young man credit for being precocious – he’ll have a both a Heisman and at least one conviction before he ever gets to the NFL..

Steelers and Dolphin centers Mike and Maurkice Pouncey, ttwins who played with Aaron Hernandez at Florida, celebrated their birthday last night wearing “Free Hernandez” caps. Well that ought to do wonders for the image of NFL players as stupid thugs.

 

So what does the winner of the MLB ‪#‎Homerunderby‬ get? Besides increased PED testing for the rest of the season?

Puig is the toast of Los Angeles, Cespedes won the Home Run Derby…. Coast Guard boats looking to intercept Cuban refugees may find they have competition from MLB boats looking to give them safe haven.

Russian President Putin today said of Snowden “As soon as there is an opportunity for him to move elsewhere, I hope he will do that.” Wonder if Putin worries that Snowden can start hacking Russian computers from the airport?

An NTSB official said the intern who confirmed false names for the Asiana Flight 214 pilots to KTVU is no longer with the agency. “I am shocked”, said absolutely no one.

So Asiana Airlines has actually retained a U.S. law firm and plans to go ahead with a defamation suit against KTVU as a result of the pilot prank. Thereby guaranteeing that the story, and the joke names, including Some Ting Wong and Ho Lee Fuk, remain a headline for months to come.

T.C.  (Whose last name is Chong, so he can make this joke:  )  “Asiana Airlines said they are considering legal action against KTVU because the station’s reading of the four fake names “badly damaged” their reputation.  Look for them to show up with that famous Asian attorney Low Fee.

Look for them to show up with that famous Asian attorney Low Fee.

Break time.

July 9, 2012

We’re currently in the Major League Baseball All Star break.  The only three days between April and September when Cubs fans KNOW their team won’t disappoint them.

Robinson Cano, last year’s Home Run Derby winner,   hit zero home runs today.   What is Cano trying to do, get traded to the San Francisco Giants?

Adam Lambert is reportedly in talks to become a judge on American Idol. The biggest hangup, having him on the show might create a “who’s prettier” tension with Ryan Seacrest.

One happy Monday thought: If you can read this post your computer hasn’t been compromised by the DNSChanger malware.

The Katie Holmes-Tom Cruise divorce has been finalized, in less than two weeks. With damage control talent like this Cruise clearly has a future in politics.

Worst thing for SF Giants fans about today’s Home Run Derby. Prince Fielder’s win today isn’t going to make it any easier for the team to convince Pablo Sandoval he needs to lose weight.

You cannot make this “stuff” up: Eagles RB Dion Lewis was arrested when, allegedly intoxicated, he pulled the fire alarm after locking himself out of his hotel in New York. Lewis was in town to speak at the Troy Boys & Girls Club about “things like how to make better choices.” (The talk has been rescheduled.)

Not a fan of cheating, but regarding all this controversy now over Lance Armstrong and doping, do any cycling fans think ANYONE was clean during his era?

Reggie Jackson, who is a “Yankees special assistant” has been told to stay away from team events indefinitely after his comments about A-Rod etc. But really, hiring Reggie and expecting him not to say anything controversial? Who’s the team’s next managerial prospect – Ozzie Guillen?

As the GOP dismisses talk about Romney’s Swiss bank accounts, along with his holdings in the Cayman Islands and Bermuda, have to wonder, what would they be saying if Obama had money overseas, even small accounts in Kenya or Indonesia?

-Hope Solo has received a USADA warning after testing positive for Canrenone. She says it was an “honest mistake” with “a medication prescribed by my personal doctor for pre-menstrual purposes that I did not know contained a diuretic” Wonder how long it will take some baseball player to use the same excuse?.

(As my friend Tony Alan Banks says :   “Manny’s just sorry he didn’t think of this.”)

From Bill Littlejohn:  “Andy Murray and Great Britain were unable to break a 76-year Wimbledon men’s singles title drought.   So, back in 1936, did someone bring a billy goat to Centre Court?”

The headline reads “Three gored on the third day running of the bulls.” Should read “Three miss in valiant attempts for Darwin award.”

Women just do not get it with this running of the bulls stuff. I mean, for us there’s got to be a purpose for that kind of mad dash where you’re likely to be trampled…. like a REALLY good Black Friday sale.

Derby time.

July 12, 2011

Open note to readers- back to back posts today because I clearly did not hit the “publish” button hard enough last night.

In any case….

So the Home Run Derby came down to Robinson Cano (Yankees), and Adrian Gonzalez (Red Sox.) New York vs. Boston. Are we sure we weren’t watching Fox’s regular Game of the Week?

Sarah Palin may be a hockey mom, but I’m not sure she gets other sports. When asked if she had a prediction for the Home Run Derby, she apologized but said she really hadn’t kept up on what horses were running.

In the MLB HomeRun Derby, Robinson Cano beat Adrian Gonzalez 12-11 to take the 2011 championship. As if we didn’t need another illustration of how good pitching can overcome no hitting, no player on the first-place San Francisco Giants has hit 12 home runs this YEAR. (Or 11, or 10 for that matter.)

Meanwhile, despite being voted in by the fans,  Derek Jerek now says he is completely skipping the All-Star Game and festivities due to “physical and emotional exhaustion.” Regarding the fans who wanted to see him play, I guess as a Yankee Jeter figures, “Fine, they can just watch me in the World Series.”

Construction crews plan to completely shut down several miles of the 405 Freeway in Los Angeles for more than two days this weekend. Which means during peak times, traffic will be moving at its usual speed.

A Jet Blue airline crew found a stun gun in a seatback pocket while cleaning a plane in Newark Monday night. The flight had originated in Boston, but made other stops during the day. In related news, TSA said they did confiscate their daily thousand or so bottled waters.

The California Assembly passed a bill to ban the “import, production, distribution or retail sale of beer and related alcoholic beverages that have caffeine added.” The reason is because these sweet drinks are particularly popular with young people. Hope no one ever tells the kids you can mix, say, Rum and Coke.

Newt Gingrich declined to sign the controversial 14-point “Family Leader” pledge, but would not give a reason other than it needing “across the board” changes. A Gingrich spokesman did say the marriage vow “needed to be shortened.” Yeah, as in taking out that little line about staying faithful to your spouse.