Archive for the ‘Hillary jokes’ category

Reigning on a parade

June 22, 2016

During the Cavs victory parade Cleveland’s JR Smith held up a “2016 Election” sign with a check next to his game instead of Clinton or Trump. How silly. Smith couldn’t really win Ohio. King James on the other hand….

Bernie Sanders said today “”It doesn’t appear that I’m going to be the nominee.” In related news, the Thunder say it doesn’t appear they’re going to be the 2016 NBA Champions.

The NHL has approved an expansion team in Las Vegas. Well, this actually could be a major boon for the league. Americans love any sport when they can bet on it.

Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert today began a 15-month prison sentence for hiding money transactions. The money was allegedly hush money after his repeated sexual abuse of young boys.
“I feel so sorry for him”, said nobody.

 

New York City is going to start offering free sanitary napkins, pads and tampons at public facilities. Of course, the city had has no problem already with a full supply of douche bags.

‪#‎ESPNBodyIssue‬ coming out in July & MLB will be represented by ‪#‎JakeArrieta‬. What, no ‪#‎BartoloColon‬?

 

Democrats members staging ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ sit-in on House floor to demand vote on gun control. Time for GoFundMe campaign for portapotties?

The ‪#‎GOP‬ is keeping ‪#‎CSpan‬ from televising the ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ Democratic sit-in. So guns are not dangerous but cameras are?

 

As the ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ sit-in continued, GOP Rep. Louie Gohmert approached the (literally) sitting members of Congress and yelled ‘Radical Islam!’ Hmm, if only the Democrats were armed.

 

#‎DustyBaker‬ bobblehead night at ‪#‎DodgerStadium‬. Nothing against Dusty, great ‪#‎SFGiants‬ manager. But a Dodger bobblehead? ‪#‎sacrilege‬

You know it’s a bad weather week in the U.S. when you have a friend in Arizona and another friend/client is traveling in Saudi Arabia. and you hear Ridayh is cooler than Phoenix.

Marco Rubio, who pledged he would not return to the Senate if he lost the GOP nomination, today announced his bid for re-election. Of course, given his continued absentee record maybe Marco just meant he won’t be returning to the Senate very often.

Burger King is now testing “Mac N’ Cheetos.” These are Cheetos-breaded deep-fried macaroni and cheese sticks. So you can order a Whopper and feel healthy by comparison?

Donald Trump today accused Hillary Clinton of being “an extension of Obama,”
And right about now most Americans would take that deal..

Trump today called Hillary Clinton a “world-class liar.” So was Trump himself lying in 2012 when he told Fox News ““Hillary Clinton I think is a terrific woman… I think she really works hard and I think she does a good job. I like her.”

Paul Ryan was asked today if he trusts Trump. He chuckled and said “it depends on the issue.” Hmm, would the Speaker care to give examples? Or would my friends and readers care to help him?

In this corner

June 9, 2016

Justin Bieber apparently lost when he got in a fistfight with another fan after game 3 of the NBA Finals. On the brighter side, he reportedly put up a better fight than the Warriors.

When you’re down 3 to 1 in ‪#‎StanleyCupFinals‬ isn’t calling it a “must win game” redundant? ‪#‎Sharks‬

 

The way the ‪#‎SJSharks‬ play on the road vs. at home might they request the ‪#‎NHL‬ to play ‪#‎StanleyCup‬ game six in Pittsburgh?

Mac Williamson hit his first home run for the SF Giants last night. Reports were he traded a signed ball and bat for the ball. Wonder if the signed items had Posey and Bumgarner’s names on them?

My friend Darren forwards the information that the SF 49ers are favored in ZERO of their 2016 season games..  And somewhere in Ann Arbor you can hear the giggling

Colin Kaerpernick says that while he and his “team” were looking at “different opportunities”, now “I’m a 49er and excited to work with Chip and his coaching staff. ” Translation, not as if anyone else really wanted me anyway.

According to Philadelphia Magazine, 46% of voters said that the Phillie Phanatic would make a more qualified President than Donald Trump. Well, and on top of that, who doesn’t love the Phanatic?

Apparently after NBA Finals game 2, assistant coach Phil Handy went off on the Cavs with a tirade about their performance and questioned the team’s toughness. Maybe Cleveland hired the wrong coach.

#‎DraymondGreen‬ did have best line from game 3: “They came out like their season was on the line, & we came out like it was peaches & cream.”

Headline in Cleveland today? “All you don’t need is Love? ‪#‎Cavs‬ ‪#‎KevinLove‬ ‪#‎NBAFinals‬

Apparently three women are trying to raise $30 million for a super PAC titled “Women Vote Trump” So is this to support the Donald or to provide those women with mental health support?

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‪#‎PresidentObama‬ is endorsing ‪#‎HillaryClinton‬ today. Wonder if he told her in a 3 a.m. phone call?

But really, in 2007 what was less likely, that Obama would be elected, or that he would end up endorsing Hillary?

#‎HillaryClinton‬ says ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ should delete his ‪#‎Twitter‬ account. Why? His tweets have to be one of the best things for her campaign.

 

Elizabeth Warren tonight “Donald Trump is a loud, nasty, thin-skinned fraud who has never risked anything for anyone and serves nobody but himself.” You know, Senator Warren could be really impressive if she would just stop sugarcoating things.

Going pro, or rather semi-pro

June 8, 2016

Kentucky coach John Calipari said the Philadelphia 76ers should select the Wildcats’ Jamal Murray as the No. 1 pick in the June 23 NBA draft. So what did Murray ever do to him?

Johnny Manziel is allegedly still holding out hope for a return to football in 2016. “Give it up already,” responded Tim Tebow.

 

#‎SteveKerr‬  asked about ‪#‎Cavs‬ aggressive start after the first quarter of game 3.. “What did you see in response from your guys?” “Not a whole lot.” ‪#‎Popwouldbepround‬ ‪#‎GSWvsCLE‬

But so  what ‪#‎Cavs‬ needed to compete with ‪#‎Warriors‬ was for ‪#‎KevinLove‬ to get a concussion? Heck, a Cleveland  teammate might have clocked him sooner.

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“The Greatest” wanted his funeral to be free and so 15,000 tickets were given away in Louisville. Now of course, people are trying to sell the free tickets on Ebay etc. Ali family spokesman Bob Gunnell said “I’m personally disgusted and amazed that someone would try to profit off of Muhammad Ali’s memorial service.”
“Disgusted,” I get. “Amazed….?” Someone hasn’t been paying attention.

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‪#‎BristolPalin‬ has married her baby daddy. And millions of Americans are asking “Which one?”

Guess resort fees aren’t enough. MGM Resorts International in Las Vegas is now charging for parking at all their properties. Ah, for the days when the only bandits in town were the one-armed variety.

Maria Sharipova has been banned from tennis for two years for using PEDs. And at the same time Hillary wins the Democratic nomination we are reminded it’s not always a good thing when women prove they can be equal to men.

Bill Nye “the Science Guy” says that conservatives need an “epiphany” to attract younger voters. Okay, “science” is one strike against him, does Nye really think it will help his cause to use high-faluting words like “epiphany?”

#‎Kasich‬ is holding steady at about 11% in ‪#‎CaliforniaPrimary‬ . That’s about as high as he got in most states when he was still campaigning.

Despite Hillary Clinton’s winning California by about 13%, the networks didn’t call the primary win for her until about 4a. In related news, the same networks are saying the Golden State Warriors still have a pretty good chance to win the NBA championship.

Email from Bernie Sanders today “The struggle continues.” Yes, it does. But the arithmetic does not.

 

Convicted rapist and former Stanford swimmer Brock Turner  is apparently filing an appeal, even with his slap-on-the-wrist sentence.   Hmm, can someone make up some #20minutesofaction” t-shirts for Turner to give to his future wife and/or daughters?

 

The Guardian has leaked a letter that convicted rapist Brock Turner sent to the judge in his case “I’ve been shattered by the party culture and risk taking behavior that I briefly experienced in my four months at school. I’ve lost my ability to obtain a Stanford degree. I’ve lost employment opportunity, my reputation and most of all, my life.” ‪#‎getouttheviolins‬

 

 

Stuart Anderson, founder of the Black Angus Steakhouse chain, has passed away at the age of 93. No details on services yet, but no doubt coupon discounts will be available.

No rush

June 8, 2016

Today Californians went to the polls. And readers who don’t like my political stuff might want to skip down several items,  or until the next post.

And for those of us who live in the state, all those annoying primary election ads will finally be over with. The general election ads start tomorrow.

 

You can call ‪#‎HillaryClinton‬ a lot of things. But especially given the alternative, people need to get used to the idea of calling her ‪#‎MadamPresident‬.

Absolutely amazing, my California Assembly district 24 is in the middle of Silicon Valley, has been home to Hewlett, Packard, Jobs, Ellison, Zuckerberg etc. And it’s MIDNIGHT election night and we still don’t have more than 71% of the vote counted. Ah technology….

 

No network yet calling ‪#‎CaliforniaPrimary‬ for ‪#‎Hillary‬ or ‪#‎Bernie‬, at 1230a June 8. Maybe they’ll go out on a limb before ‪#‎Dem‬ convention.

Would support ‪#‎Obama‬ for 3rd term if there weren’t an amendment, but time for ‪#‎Sanders‬ to do as ‪#‎Hillary‬ did in 2008 ‪#‎begracious‬ ‪#‎getonboard‬

Really? Now today’s anti-Hillary social media rant is that she was wearing an expensive Armani jacket during a speech on inequality. And if she just wore mass-market clothes she’d be accused of being dowdy and not supporting retailers.

 

Donald Trump said tonight he will deliver a “major speech” on the Clintons next week. Like Trump’s “major announcement” in 2012 on Obama’s birth certificate?

Trump says now his comments about judges were “misconstrued.” Is that the Donald’s way of saying “Oops, even I might have gone too far this time?”

Lindsey Graham is urging Republicans to rescind their endorsements of Donald Trump after the Donald’s racist comments about judges. Nice start, Senator Graham. Now how about going the next step – as in “We can survive four years of Hillary Clinton, we may not survive four years of Donald Trump.” ‪#‎justsaynotoTrump‬


Albert Suarez has had two starts in the major leagues. Both for the SF Giants. Both times he left with a lead. The first save was blown by Santiago Casilla, tonight’s game was lost in the 10th by Casilla.  Maybe the next time Bochy has to get Suarez out of a game, he can promise to keep Casilla out too?

Madison Bumgarner said in an interview that he isn’t much for souvenir baseballs, but he wishes he had the one he threw to Perez for the last pitch in the 2014 World Series. The ball was popped up for a foul out and was last seen in the possession of Pablo Sandoval. Let’s hope Panda didn’t eat it.

Someone hacked ‪#‎NFL‬ twitter feed to announce falsely that ‪#‎RogerGoodell‬ had died. Out of habit, Goodell will be punishing the ‪#‎Saints‬.

In Missouri, a 15 year old boy apparently accidentally shot himself taking a selfie. Sad, because he was just a kid. But definitely a Darwin award junior division. ‪#‎Ifonlyhewasarmed‬. Oh, wait, never mind.

United Airlines has a new program called “Celebrate by United” where you can order something Duty-Free and have it delivered to a friend or colleague on-board an international flight. Flight attendants must be so thrilled. ‪#‎whatcouldpossiblygowrong‬?

Amazing sidebar to the ‪#‎BrockTurnerRapist‬ story. He has a sister. Just wondering if father ‪#‎DanTurner‬ would be so sympathetic to a young man if she had been raped in college. ‪#‎20minutesofaction‬

Plenty of good guys at Stanford too:  http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/hero-grad-student-describes-catching-stanford-rapist-article-1.2664718