Posted tagged ‘California jokes’

Nothing to see here

December 23, 2016

Bill Belichick admitted today that the Patriots were unaware of how extreme Michael Floyd’s DUI was. But the New England coach didn’t seem too deflated about it.

 

 

Idaho beat Colorado State 61-50 in the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. I am aware several stars have decided to forego bowl games, but did both teams’ defenses decide to stay home?

Ezekiel Elliott says he won’t jump in a Salvation Army kettle, after he was not fined for the last celebration – “I think I had my one get-out-of-jail-free card,I used it already.”
Is that really the best phrase to use for a football player who is still under investigation for domestic violence?

Manny Ramirez’s wife told TMZ that Manny, 44, wants to play professional baseball again. Can the SFGiants sign him and gift wrap him as a present to the Dodgers?

So tired of hearing that “without California Trump would have won the popular vote. And yeah, without California the  Tigers & Royals would each have one more World Series trophy, and the Rangers would have their first.  #SFGIants

On a positive note, tuned into the Spurs-Clippers game tonight, and while I’m not a mall jewelry store fan, saw a nice holiday “Love” commercial from Zales featuring two lovely brides. On TNT. And this commercial has apparently been out for a few weeks and has survived social media conservative outrage. #progress #wellplayed

Grayson Allen has been suspended indefinitely for “actions that do not meet the standards of Duke Basketball.” So during this time will Allen get help, or consider switching his talents to football?

The Beach Boys are reportedly considering playing Donald Trump’s inaugural. Considering all the discussion about popular vote, guessing one of their song choices won’t be “California Girls.”

New White House counselor Kellyanne Conway, asked if she will have trouble handling her job while being a mother of four. “I would say that I don’t play golf and I don’t have a mistress so, I have a lot of time that a lot of these other men don’t.”
Uh, so for all these years how has Trump done HIS job?

And Kellyanne Conway also indicates that Trump might not have a ban on Muslims per se, but for a ban on individuals from terrorist-prone countries. Uh, looking at Sandy Hook, Charleston and any number of mass shootings,  could that standard be used by other countries to keep Americans out?

 

Twitter’s stock keeps falling after their CTO and VP of Product both announced they would leave. One analyst says the company is ‘toast.” Maybe Trump will just buy the whole thing and use it instead of Press Conferences.

The US and Russia need more nuclear weapons like billionaires need a tax cut.

No rush

June 8, 2016

Today Californians went to the polls. And readers who don’t like my political stuff might want to skip down several items,  or until the next post.

And for those of us who live in the state, all those annoying primary election ads will finally be over with. The general election ads start tomorrow.

 

You can call ‪#‎HillaryClinton‬ a lot of things. But especially given the alternative, people need to get used to the idea of calling her ‪#‎MadamPresident‬.

Absolutely amazing, my California Assembly district 24 is in the middle of Silicon Valley, has been home to Hewlett, Packard, Jobs, Ellison, Zuckerberg etc. And it’s MIDNIGHT election night and we still don’t have more than 71% of the vote counted. Ah technology….

 

No network yet calling ‪#‎CaliforniaPrimary‬ for ‪#‎Hillary‬ or ‪#‎Bernie‬, at 1230a June 8. Maybe they’ll go out on a limb before ‪#‎Dem‬ convention.

Would support ‪#‎Obama‬ for 3rd term if there weren’t an amendment, but time for ‪#‎Sanders‬ to do as ‪#‎Hillary‬ did in 2008 ‪#‎begracious‬ ‪#‎getonboard‬

Really? Now today’s anti-Hillary social media rant is that she was wearing an expensive Armani jacket during a speech on inequality. And if she just wore mass-market clothes she’d be accused of being dowdy and not supporting retailers.

 

Donald Trump said tonight he will deliver a “major speech” on the Clintons next week. Like Trump’s “major announcement” in 2012 on Obama’s birth certificate?

Trump says now his comments about judges were “misconstrued.” Is that the Donald’s way of saying “Oops, even I might have gone too far this time?”

Lindsey Graham is urging Republicans to rescind their endorsements of Donald Trump after the Donald’s racist comments about judges. Nice start, Senator Graham. Now how about going the next step – as in “We can survive four years of Hillary Clinton, we may not survive four years of Donald Trump.” ‪#‎justsaynotoTrump‬


Albert Suarez has had two starts in the major leagues. Both for the SF Giants. Both times he left with a lead. The first save was blown by Santiago Casilla, tonight’s game was lost in the 10th by Casilla.  Maybe the next time Bochy has to get Suarez out of a game, he can promise to keep Casilla out too?

Madison Bumgarner said in an interview that he isn’t much for souvenir baseballs, but he wishes he had the one he threw to Perez for the last pitch in the 2014 World Series. The ball was popped up for a foul out and was last seen in the possession of Pablo Sandoval. Let’s hope Panda didn’t eat it.

Someone hacked ‪#‎NFL‬ twitter feed to announce falsely that ‪#‎RogerGoodell‬ had died. Out of habit, Goodell will be punishing the ‪#‎Saints‬.

In Missouri, a 15 year old boy apparently accidentally shot himself taking a selfie. Sad, because he was just a kid. But definitely a Darwin award junior division. ‪#‎Ifonlyhewasarmed‬. Oh, wait, never mind.

United Airlines has a new program called “Celebrate by United” where you can order something Duty-Free and have it delivered to a friend or colleague on-board an international flight. Flight attendants must be so thrilled. ‪#‎whatcouldpossiblygowrong‬?

Amazing sidebar to the ‪#‎BrockTurnerRapist‬ story. He has a sister. Just wondering if father ‪#‎DanTurner‬ would be so sympathetic to a young man if she had been raped in college. ‪#‎20minutesofaction‬

Plenty of good guys at Stanford too:  http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/hero-grad-student-describes-catching-stanford-rapist-article-1.2664718

Oh girl

May 4, 2016

Caitlyn Jenner, 66, reportedly will appear on an upcoming cover of SI for the 40th anniversary of her 1976 Olympic decathlon win, wearing “nothing but an American flag and her Olympic medal.”
Uh, leave the transgender stuff aside. How many people want to see a picture of ANY 66 year old person naked?

While unemployment is down in the USA, a good thing, productivity is also down, which is disturbing. Wondering how many American workers have posted about this trend on Facebook.

So it was only last year that the bones of Richard III were reinterred from under a carpark to Leicester Cathedral. And now Leicester City, a 5,000 to 1 shot, has won the English Premier League. ‪#‎Coincidence‬?

ESPN’s OTL is reporting that MLB will announce another suspension for Turinabol, which was a steroid favored by East German athletes in the 1970s. And with improved testing,  no doubt other suspensions will follow.
Really,  an East German drug from the 1970s?  Well, baseball always has had a reputation as a sport that reveres the past.

USA Today headline “Losing Pablo Sandoval may be best for Red Sox.” Same thing can definitely be said for ‪#‎SFGiants‬.

 

OKC’s Dion Waiters, talking about San Antonio and LaMarcus Aldridge “One man can’t beat you.” Right, because the Spurs always run such a one-man offense.

John Kasich “As I suspend my campaign today, I have renewed faith, deeper faith, that the Lord will show me the way forward.”
And God is thinking “Don’t blame me, I didn’t tell any of you clowns to run in the first place.”

So with Kasich dropping out tonight can we officially refer to the ‪#‎GOP‬ race as “Last Comic Standing?”

Unhappiest people in the GOP right about now have to be those in California who were counting on a contested race to help Republican turnout in June. (California has a top-two primary, so a GOP candidate is not guaranteed to get on the November ballot.)

 

Emma Watson said she wore a dress made of recycled plastic bottles to N.Y.s’ Met Gala. Well, that’s a change, having an actress appear publicly with plastic on the outside of her body..

Disneyland shut down their California Screamin’ roller coaster for an hour after a passenger was spotting using a selfie stick on it. When Disney restarted the coaster, couldn’t they just let the offending guest take the first ride solo with her/her stick, and no seat belt? ‪#‎Darwinwouldbesoproud‬

 

 

#‎SFGiants‬ fans are understandably less than thrilled with Jake Peavy this year. On other hand, Zack Greinke has a 5.50 ERA ‪#‎dodgedabullet‬?

 

Governor Jerry Brown has signed a bill raising the minimum smoking age in California to 21. Many teenagers shrugged – “he’s only talking about cigarettes.”

It now looks like a choice between Hillary & Trump. And millions of Americans are wishing another choice was to repeal that 22nd amendment.

Line of the night. The Daily Show’s Trevor Noah, who is from South Africa, on watching Trump take the GOP nomination: “I’m from a Third World country. It looks like you are headed to one.”

Sins of the mothers and fathers?

November 6, 2015

The Mormon church is now saying that gay couples can be kicked out, and their children can no longer receive blessings as infants, be baptized, or serve missions, unless the kids disavow the practice of same-sex relationships, or turn 18 and no longer live with their gay parents.
So the only way you can have two mommies is if both of them are married to your daddy?

Does anyone doubt that if Greg Hardy had a real job instead of playing for the NFL, that he’d be in jail now?

C.C. Sabathia says now he was “probably still drunk” during some of the Yankees’ last regular season games. Big deal. Youngsters, google Dock Ellis.

Donovan McNabb was sentenced to 18 days in jail for an “Extreme DUI,” his second DUI arrest in two years. What’s ‘Extreme DUI?” Well, partly it was that he was more than two times over the limit, partly it’s that as a retired NFL player you lose the “Get out of jail free” card.

Johnny Manziel says he “absolutely” wants to keep the Browns’ starting QB job. You know who else wants him to keep the starting job? Cleveland fans dreaming of the #1 draft pick.

Ben Carson “So, you know, I would say to the people of America — do you think I’m a pathological liar… Or do you think I’m an honest person? But hey, given resigned American attitudes toward politicians, maybe he’d be better off saying “You say I’m a pathological liar like it’s a bad thing.”

Jeb Bush has now had to apologize to French officials for criticizing Marco Rubio for missing Senate votes and saying “What is it, like a French workweek?”
But to be fair, it’s not like Jeb has spent much of his life in the public eye. ‪#‎SMH‬ ‪#‎sarcasm‬ ‪#‎notreadyforprimetime‬

With many districts In California now exposing the biggest water hogs, the drought equivalent excuse to sport’s”tainted supplement” is now a “leaky pipe.”

In California, warmer than usual Pacific Ocean waters have contributed to a toxic algae bloom that has delayed and might even cancel Dungeness Crab season. No crab? This is the kind of thing that might get even California Republicans on board to fight global warming.

Thursday in Britain was Guy Fawkes Day. Where the country lights bonfires and celebrates a failed plot to blow up the House of Lords in Parliament – basically their Senate. In the U.S. we don’t need anyone to try to destroy the Senate, we have Ted Cruz.

 –
So USA Today is reporting that Leonard Fournette’s family may have broken NCAA rules by trying to set up an online business selling T-shirts and hats with a BUGA acronym Fournette had helped develop in high school.
If the allegations are true that could mean sanctions against LSU – said absolutely nobody. ‪#‎SECteamsareneverwrong‬

The Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was put into place Friday in New York, where the temperature was 75 degrees. Maybe instead of a Norwegian spruce they should have ordered a palm tree?

Not quite all wet.

October 9, 2015

General Motors is telling owners of some SUVs not to use their windshield wipers because an electrical short could cause the motor to catch fire. ‘Scary” said most Americans. “What are windshield wipers?” said Californians?”

It’s only the first week of the postseason, and I am so over playoff beards. ‪#‎MLBPostseason‬

Shocked at how many empty seats there were in 5th inning at ‪#‎Dodgers‬ Stadium. Were fans late for the 3rd or early for the 7th?

Bob Costas today during extra innings of the Rangers Blue Jays game “I’m hearing the rumor that Albert Belle may be going all Kirk Gibson on us.”– (Belle retired in 2000, so he meant injured Texas slugger Adrian Beltre)
To be fair, maybe seeing LaTroy Hawkins on the mound was giving Costas flashbacks.

Not true that ‪#‎LaTroyHawkins‬ was in majors the last time ‪#‎BlueJays‬ were in playoffs. (1993). But he was pitching for ‪#‎Twins‬ single A team.

Add Johnny ‪#‎Cueto‬ to the list of pitchers ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are now glad they didn’t give away the farm to get at the trade deadline ‪#‎HOUvsKC‬

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred said yesterday it’s “not appropriate” to enforce pace-of-play rules as strictly during the playoffs. Well, of course, longer games mean more commercials. ‪#‎followthemoney‬

Ted Cruz just said that Trump won’t be the GOP nominee, and that he will pick up most of the Donald’s voters. So Cruz vs. Trump. Get some popcorn and pull up a chair, this could be fun.

Donald Trump today says Bowe Bergdahl should have been executed. Hey, can someone ask Trump about draft dodgers?

Texas Governor Greg Abbott signed a “campus carry” bill in June. “In general, what we’ve seen in the states that have campus carry, there haven’t been any problems on those campuses. I think that the way the Legislature worked this out [that] we will see that campus carry in the state of Texas will also pose no more problems.”

Three shootings on Texas campuses since then. Maybe he meant problems with overcrowding?

Many gun rights advocates say the Oregon shootings would not have happened if students were armed. Last night there was a fight between two groups of students near a fraternity dorm at Northern Arizona University.. An 18 year old freshman pulled out a gun, 1 student is dead, 3 injured. ‪#‎howmanymore‬ ‪#‎ifonlytheywereALLarmed‬

Not that I expect any privacy on the internet. But sometimes these targeted ad algorithms need work. As in I just have gotten a few ads for “California’s largest hunting and fishing stores” with all kinds of guns on sale. ‪#‎notthatkindofagal‬

The California Coastal Commission has banned SeaWorld from breeding killer whales in captivity. So what’s next,”Abstinence Only” sex education for orcas?

Chris Christie says of President Obama that he “should do all of us a favor [and] start building his library now and leave office early.” And a lot of New Jersey residents are thinking ‘Can you show him the way?”

A UCLA walk-on punter was arrested on suspicion of rape today, the 2nd Bruins player to be arrested this year, (the first was arrested for allegedly stealing a cellphone, although prosecutors decided not to press charges.)

Maybe UCLA is trying just a little too hard to prove they can compete with SEC and ACC teams?

John Kasich at a New Hampshire event asked those in the audience if it would both them if their future benefit were a little lower for the good of the country. When one person said it would be a problem Kasich replied “Well, you’d get over it, and you’re going to have to get over it.”
As my friend Michael Schibly says, “Keep them talking.”

Just say anything?

July 20, 2015

Bill Cosby, in a deposition claimed he was good at reading nonverbal clues. “I think I’m a pretty decent reader of people and their emotions in these romantic sexual things…”

Although beginning to seem like a nonverbal clue to Cosby was “Hello.”

The NY Mets managed to win Sunday 3-1 in 18 innings after going 1-26 with runners in scoring position and leaving 25 runners on base. And Phillies fans are thinking “You can GET 25 runners on base?”

What ever happened to that “It never rains in California” stuff. Two rainouts on Sunday, for Padres AND Angels. And Dodgers happy they were in a place with great summer weather like Washington, D.C.

 

Rainout in ‪#‎SanDiego‬? It may not be freezing over, but Hell has to be pretty soggy.

Sunday was “National Ice Cream Day.” Making tomorrow “National ‘Who shrunk my pants?’ Day.

Three-time surfing world champion Mick Fanning was unharmed after being attacked by a shark during a competition in South Africa. Glad he’s okay. But have to wonder if any surfing officials are thinking “Hmm, a couple more near misses with sharks and our ratings will skyrocket.”

A “Deflategate” ball used in the AFC championship sold at auction for $44,000. And somewhere Brady may be thinking “For that much money I’ll let the air out of several more and sign them.”

Online headline at USAToday.com “Amateur and Spieth Chasing History at British Open.” And a lot of fans who have mostly only paid attention to Tiger Woods are going “I think I’ve heard of Jordan Spieth but what’s Amateur’s first name?”

Anyone but me REALLY want to see Donald Trump head down to San Antonio and tell Texans that the men at the Alamo weren’t heroes?

Many in the GOP field are defending John McCain against Donald Trump’s attacks. Wonder where they were during the “Swiftboating” of John Kerry.

 

Many San Francisco Bay Area women were happy to see Sunday night’s news report on the record breaking weather. Not that we liked the very warm humid temperatures, but it was a relief to know the day wasn’t one big long hot flash.

Scott Walker Sunday on if being gay is a choice. “I mean, to me, that’s, I don’t know. I don’t know the answer to that question.” This is also the man who said he was going to “punt’ on the question of evolution and that he didn’t know if Obama was a Christian.

But the Wisconsin Governor wants to be President because he says Americans need “fresh, new LEADERSHIP.”

No whine before its time.

April 1, 2015

Governor Jerry Brown has called for 25% percent mandatory water use reduction in California. So okay, it’s now our civic responsibility to drink wine!

Don’t THINK this is an April Fool’s. Barbara Walters apparently wants Monica Lewinsky to join “The View.” Where no doubt besides doing interviews Monica will have a forum for telling America that she just wants to be left alone.

So Kentucky is heading towards a potential 40-0 season. Greatest basketball team of all time? Or more like the greatest crop of high school recruits making a pit stop on the way to the NBA?

All this excitement from millennials over the new Apple watch. What’s the next new thing going to be – the Apple calculator?

A woman was arrested at San Jose International Airport after a UPS employee saw her walking inside a fence, the 5th such security breach at the airport in a year. It’s apparently easier to get over a fence at San Jose than to get a bottle of water past TSA.

 

Gary Dahl, 78. the inventor of the Pet Rock has died. And if you think “the what?” guessing you are not a baby boomer.

 

Now that Pet Rocks are back in the news suppose it’s only a matter of time until PETA posthumously vilifies Gary Dahl for not respecting the rights of rocks.

 

Senator Bob Menendez of New Jersey has been indicted on Federal Corruption charges. Your move, Illinois.

McDonald’s announced they are raising working pay at all their company-owned U.S. restaurants. So that their employees can now afford to eat somewhere besides McDonald’s?

Seahawks LB Bruce Irvin sent out a tweet this morning that he’d been arrested for a DUI, then 30 minutes later said it was an April Fool’s joke.   Hmm, how drunk did he have to think it would be funny to make that joke?

Now the Republican-lead House the Arkansas has passed a “Religious Freedom Restoration Act” of its own. And Wal-Mart immediately issued a statement saying it threatened to undermine “the spirit of inclusion” in the state and “does not reflect the values we proudly uphold.”

Again, impressive. Who knew you could get WAL-MART on the moral high ground?

Anyone but me think at first that ‪#‎Walmart‬ coming out in support of gay rights was an ‪#‎AprilFools‬ joke? ‪#‎thetimestheyareachangin‬

 

From Marc Ragovin   “The NY Mets announced today that injured second baseman Daniel Murphy, who recently said he would be uncomfortable with a gay teammate, will need to undergo a rehab assignment before he can come off the disabled list. And word is he’s insisting on going to Indiana.”