Posted tagged ‘kasich jokes’

Comparison shopping

May 17, 2017

Tony Dungy compared Colin Kaepernick’s situation to what happened with Michael Vick after his release from prison, and Joe Mixon’s draft day fall.
Right, because kneeling on the sideline is as egregious to NFL coaches as killing dogs and hitting women? #WTF?

 

The way Lebron & Cavs are playing no one from Cleveland needed even to try to trip Isaiah Thomas.

Lonzo Ball may refuse to work out for the Celtics, so set is he on playing for the Lakers. Even though the difference on a guaranteed rookie contract between the 1st and 2nd pick is over $2 million. Guess dad will have to up the price of those shoes.

Mark Cuban says he would “love it” if LaVar Ball appeared on “Shark Tank.” Many Americans at this point would be equally happy if Lavar went into a shark tank. A real one.

There’s a report that Moses Malone Jr. is suing James Harden, alleging that the Rockets’ star paid people to assault and rob Malone because he was upset about a Facebook post.
Crazy.  But reminds us of those not-so-distant days when the most insane stories were on the entertainment and sports pages?

LaVar Ball said today now that if Nike, Under Armour or Adidas want to make a deal w/ him and his Big Baller Brand now,he has raised the asking price to $3 billion. You almost wonder if the guy is trying to prove he has enough ego to work in the Trump administration.

John McCain was asked if he is ruling out any chance of impeachment. And he answered, apparently with a smile “The thought has not crossed my mind.”
Would have loved to see McCain asked if he likes Presidents who don’t get impeached.

Trump leaves Friday, along w/ much of his inner circle, for his 1st foreign trip. Any way while he’s gone we can change White House locks?

Google is launching “Google for Jobs,” a search feature for job seekers that will pull together job postings from all over the internet. Maybe they can beta-test it for staffers now in the White House?

So at this point Melania’s got to be wondering if she can get her deposit back on Barron’s DC area private school for 2017-18.

John Kasich on Trump – “I hate to say I told you so …” Au contraire, I am pretty sure the Ohio governor LOVES to say “I told you so.”

 

Amazing to think that Mike Pence, who wasn’t even favored to win re-election in Indiana, could end up President of the US.  What a country.

Trump has the ability to fire new special prosecutor #RobertMueller Too soon to start a pool on when he will?

 –
Putin “I have transcript of talks between Trump & Russia foreign ministers.” Doesn’t Vlad have transcripts of all WH talks?

 

Many turned on Obama quickly when he couldn’t accomplish everything they wanted. And Trump supporters still back him. #WTF?

This is NOT my joke, a friend found it on Reddit by “Raevix.” But worth sharing: In answer to the question “Why will Congress never impeach Trump?”
“Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.”

Advertisements

Oh girl

May 4, 2016

Caitlyn Jenner, 66, reportedly will appear on an upcoming cover of SI for the 40th anniversary of her 1976 Olympic decathlon win, wearing “nothing but an American flag and her Olympic medal.”
Uh, leave the transgender stuff aside. How many people want to see a picture of ANY 66 year old person naked?

While unemployment is down in the USA, a good thing, productivity is also down, which is disturbing. Wondering how many American workers have posted about this trend on Facebook.

So it was only last year that the bones of Richard III were reinterred from under a carpark to Leicester Cathedral. And now Leicester City, a 5,000 to 1 shot, has won the English Premier League. ‪#‎Coincidence‬?

ESPN’s OTL is reporting that MLB will announce another suspension for Turinabol, which was a steroid favored by East German athletes in the 1970s. And with improved testing,  no doubt other suspensions will follow.
Really,  an East German drug from the 1970s?  Well, baseball always has had a reputation as a sport that reveres the past.

USA Today headline “Losing Pablo Sandoval may be best for Red Sox.” Same thing can definitely be said for ‪#‎SFGiants‬.

 

OKC’s Dion Waiters, talking about San Antonio and LaMarcus Aldridge “One man can’t beat you.” Right, because the Spurs always run such a one-man offense.

John Kasich “As I suspend my campaign today, I have renewed faith, deeper faith, that the Lord will show me the way forward.”
And God is thinking “Don’t blame me, I didn’t tell any of you clowns to run in the first place.”

So with Kasich dropping out tonight can we officially refer to the ‪#‎GOP‬ race as “Last Comic Standing?”

Unhappiest people in the GOP right about now have to be those in California who were counting on a contested race to help Republican turnout in June. (California has a top-two primary, so a GOP candidate is not guaranteed to get on the November ballot.)

 

Emma Watson said she wore a dress made of recycled plastic bottles to N.Y.s’ Met Gala. Well, that’s a change, having an actress appear publicly with plastic on the outside of her body..

Disneyland shut down their California Screamin’ roller coaster for an hour after a passenger was spotting using a selfie stick on it. When Disney restarted the coaster, couldn’t they just let the offending guest take the first ride solo with her/her stick, and no seat belt? ‪#‎Darwinwouldbesoproud‬

 

 

#‎SFGiants‬ fans are understandably less than thrilled with Jake Peavy this year. On other hand, Zack Greinke has a 5.50 ERA ‪#‎dodgedabullet‬?

 

Governor Jerry Brown has signed a bill raising the minimum smoking age in California to 21. Many teenagers shrugged – “he’s only talking about cigarettes.”

It now looks like a choice between Hillary & Trump. And millions of Americans are wishing another choice was to repeal that 22nd amendment.

Line of the night. The Daily Show’s Trevor Noah, who is from South Africa, on watching Trump take the GOP nomination: “I’m from a Third World country. It looks like you are headed to one.”

The pain, the pain

April 15, 2016

The ‪#‎Braves‬ have won! Finally. Last week ‪#‎Atlanta‬ had a couple weeks that went this badly, Sherman was involved.

After the NY Daily News printed a story that the Mets had sold most of the jerseys from the team’s first game in NY after 9/11, the team issued a statement “We admit that we made a mistake, and have instituted a new process with internal controls to prevent something like this from happening again in the future.”
So was the mistake profiting over the jerseys, or getting caught?

John Kasich, in response to a woman student at a town hall in St. Lawrence University in NY saying she saying she worries about harassment on campus said “I’d also give you one bit of advice, don’t go to parties where there is a lot of alcohol.”
Can’t imagine how the GOP gets the reputation of being clueless on women’s issues. ‪#‎andKasichissupposedtobethereasonableone‬

 

With all the attacks on Hillary over taking money from Wall Street for speeches, maybe it’s time for her to requote the line “If you can’t drink their whiskey, take their money, screw their women and still vote against him in the morning, you don’t belong in politics.”
Bill would certainly volunteer to help with the “women” part.

 

Starting for the 2017-18 season, the NBA announced that companies can buy a 2.5-by-2.5-inch advertising space on game-day jerseys. So that means by about 2020 those jerseys will resemble those worn by NASCAR.

 

 

The Minnesota Twins came back and beat the Angels tonight, following upon the Braves’ first win. So ten games into the season, nobody’s perfect.

AMC says they are scraping a plan to allow texting in theaters after saying they have heard “loud and clear” that it “is a concept our audience does not want.”
D’uh…. even people who text in theaters do not want other people texting in theaters.

Kim Davis’s lawyer is now apparently helping Kentucky leglislators draft a bill to restrict bathroom access for LGBTs. Hmm, presumably after the Kentucky Derby so everyone doesn’t boycott that too?

Sarah Palin says “Bill Nye is as much a scientist as I am.” Shocking! Palin acknowledges the concept of scientists?

Hillary Clinton last night in the debate “It’s easy to diagnose a problem. It’s harder to do something about a problem.” And many Americans on both sides of the aisle are thinking “No, just tell us you’ll fix it, don’t confuse us with facts.”

 

Jason Whitlock, not joining in the Kobe Bryant lovefest, said that Kobe’s narcissism and selfishness ruined the Lakers. Strikes me that he’s both right and wrong. In his prime, Bryant helped lead Los Angeles to five rings with that narcissism and selfishness. When his skills decreased and his demands, on and off the court, remained the same – well, yes, then, Kobe helped make sure the Lakers became, and stayed, a lousy basketball team.

T.C. on reports that Kim Jong Un now weighs over 300 pounds. “If this dictator thing doesn’t work out he can try out for the Boston Red Sox.”

The fat lady was humming, at least….

March 20, 2016

Texas A&M coach Billy Kennedy, when asked about their miracle comeback first said “To God be the Glory.” And God is thinking “Don’t blame me, I had switched to the Wisconsin-Xavier game.”

There was a rumor that for the last minute of  Northern Iowa Texas A&M game  ‪#‎TRUtv‬ executives were about to switch to Heidi? ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

 

 

Am confused. Somehow I thought the ‪#‎Pac12‬ was a major basketball conference? ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

Seven Pac-12 teams in the NCAA Tournament. One, Oregon, left after four days. That Stanford NIT win last year is looking better and better….

Johnny Manziel apparently has hired a super agent in an apparent last-ditch effort to find himself a new team. Hint to Johnny, the reason you’re unemployed isn’t your agent.

Who had ‪#‎MiddleTennesseeState‬ vs ‪#‎Syracuse‬ today? Now all of you liars put your hands down. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

According to Boston media, Pablo Sandoval could be losing his starting job at third base to  25 year-old Travis Shaw, who is making the major league minimum.  Now,  I was okay when Panda said he needed a new challenge,  I was less okay when he started dissing the SF Giants. Apparently mean bitch karma agrees.

Raymond Moore, the tournament director of the BNP Paribas Open, called the WTA (women’s tennis association) “coattail riders,” and added “If I was a lady player, I’d go down every night on my knees and thank God that Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal were born, because they have carried the sport.”
Just wonder, how many American men tennis players most Americans can name? And also wonder what the odds on Serena playing his tournament again? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Andrew Pratt, a WR from Akron who took part in the university’s pro day, was accidentally shot by a teammate yesterday morning, but will recover. Guess Pratt really has proved he’s ready for the NFL.

RIchard Sherman ripped Roger Goodell for the new ejection after two personal fouls rule, and said “he’s just a shirt.” Wonder how much Sherman will get fined for that?

Kicker Jon Semerene was dismissed from Miami’s football team Friday after a DUI arrest that made in third Hurricane to be arrested in a week. So clearly the “Canes are back to being a major program?

Once again, who knows what really has gone on between Adam LaRoche and the White Sox: But if LaRoche had hit .307 last year instead of .207, pretty sure he and his son would still be at spring training.

 

Who the heck is ‪#‎ScottBaio‬?  (rhetorical question, mostly.)

How times have changed with running for President. We used to talk about “the best and the brightest.” Now the reason many give for supporting John Kasich – “at least he’s not bat-sh*t crazy.”

John Kasich said “under no circumstances” would he run serve as V.P. for Ted Cruz or Donald Trump. Right, like there was no way Paul Ryan was going to be speaker.

Bernie Sanders, dismissing the idea that he should drop out of the race, said “It would be extraordinarily undemocratic to the tell the people in half the states in America, ‘Oh, you don’t have a right to get involved in the nominating process for the Democratic candidate,'”
Of course, with the electoral college people in 3/4 of the states in America are basically being told their votes don’t matter in the actual election.

President Obama is visiting Cuba. Wonder how many conservatives will react saying, “So, not only is he a closet Muslim, he’s also a Communist?”

From T.C.  “The Toronto Maple Leafs have invited Chicago White Sox’s Adam LaRoche and his son to visit their locker room any time they want. As a matter of fact, they can even dress for the game and sit on the bench until needed.”

Not taken for granite.

February 9, 2016

New Hampshire results are in. So now be know even more about what voters in small white states think.

But first some non-primary jokes:

 

Quicken Loans Super Bowl ad had the idea that people could get a mortgage on their phones, and asked: “If it could be that easy, wouldn’t more people buy homes?” Guessing they won’t run the ad in theaters before “The Big Short?”

If we needed any more proof that Jim Harbaugh is turning Michigan back into a powerhouse, the SEC has asked the NCAA to stop the Wolverines practicing in Florida over Spring Break, saying Harbaugh is taking his players “free time away.” Right, because the SEC is SO concerned about student-athletes’ well being….

Meteorologists are now saying Royal Caribbean should not have sailed their Anthem of the Seas ship into hurricane force winds as the storm was “well-forecast.” So guessing ambulance-chasing lawyers and class-action lawsuits in three, two, one…..

Disney’s “Frozen” is coming to Broadway in 2018. And so millions more American parents of daughters who weren’t old enough for the 2013 movie will discover the soundtrack and start wishing they really could “Let it Go.”

Rick Snyder was asked to speak before Congress on the Flint water crisis and declined, saying he has a budget meeting. Imagine how the GOP would react if Jennifer Granholm was still Governor of Michigan and declined such an invitation. Of course, if Granholm was still Governor we probably wouldn’t have the Flint water crisis.

At a Trump rally, the Donald repeated a woman’s insult about Ted Cruz “She said he’s a pussy.” Prompting calls for an immediate apology, from cats.

 

Chris Christie didn’t do that well in New Hampshire. But thinking all GOP candidates not named Rubio owe him a thank-you gift. Maybe bridge mix?

 

John Kasich tonight said “the light overcame the darkness of negative campaigning.” Translation, “if I start really gaining traction I’ll have my Super PAC do the negative campaigning for me.”

 

John Kasich said of his campaign moving on from New Hampshire to South Carolina from “We’re going to be changing some snowshoes for some flip-flops and we’re going to go from fried clams to jambalaya.”
Jeez, Governor, it’s jambalaya is Louisiana, in South Carolina it’s “perloo.” Get your pandering straight.

 

 

Chris Christie said he’s going to “take a deep breath” and go home. Apparently he’s out of money. But the thought of the Governor quitting and going back to his state might bring a flood of donations. From New Jerseyans.

So if today marks the end of the campaign, suppose it’s somehow apt that the happened on

Last Democrat to win ‪#‎NewHampshire‬ primary and the Presidency in the same year? ‪#‎JimmyCarter‬

 

A subdued Marco Rubio “We did not do well on Saturday and so listen to this: That will never happen again.” Does that mean Rubio is dropping out of future debates?

Donald Trump’s son Eric says that waterboarding is “quite frankly is no different than what happens on college campuses and frat houses every day.”
So just how many of the GOP candidates were frat boys anyway?

The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams, responding to Rudy Giuliani’s whine that the Super Bowl halftime show should have “wholesome” entertainment “You’re right…The fans deserve wholesome entertainment: Like watching 300-pound men give each other concussions while a crowd cheers like extras in the movie Gladiator. So what is wrong with Beyoncé, everyone? Were you not entertained?”
Three word hashtag ‪#‎YouGoGirl‬

Missing Jon already

August 7, 2015

Perhaps the highest tribute I can pay to Jon Stewart is that it is now hard to imagine the news without Jon Stewart.

We opine about who might be the next Jon Stewart. But before Jon Stewart we didn’t know there was that position to be filled.

Tuesday – SF 49ers GM Trent Baalke “Aldon’s like any young player, he’s growing up, he’s maturing. You see that with a lot of these guys…” Friday – Aldon Smith has been arrested for a third DUI in four years, along with alleged hit and run and vandalism. So how about those Raiders?

The SF 49ers have now released their All-Pro pash rusher Aldon Smith. Too soon to start a pool on what defensively-challenged team will decide this young man deserves a fifth or sixth chance?

The San Francisco 49ers have canceled plans to allow 20,000 fans to watch the team practice at Levi’s Stadium Sunday, due to poor turf conditions and thus the field not being ready. And 40 miles north, it might be the wind, or you might hear the ghost of Candlestick Park laughing.

The turf at Levi’s Stadium is looking like a serious long-term problem. Fortunately the 49ers seem certain to give the field a long break from usage in the playoff weeks leading up to the 2016 Super Bowl.

Vanderbilt University has pulled a tweet with the football slogan “We Don’t Need Your Permission.” And they’re supposed to be the smart ones in the SEC?

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West plan to name their new son “Easton.” I see a new marketing opportunity with Southwest Airlines. ‪#‎wannagetaway‬

So last night’s GOP debate was the most watched primary debate ever. Now it’s making sense; more people tuned in to see Trump than were probably watching his “Apprentice” TV shows.

Who won the first ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ debate? Answer seems pretty obvious – advertisers on FOX News. ‪#‎ratings‬

John Kasich said last night that while he believes in “traditional marriage” he accepts the Supreme Court decision, and actually recently went to the wedding of a gay friend. Is Kasich trying hard to prove he is too reasonable to get the GOP nomination?

For anyone who didn’t know Carly Fiorina before yesterday and was impressed by her debate performance, three words: Google “demon sheep”

#‎UniversityofMinnesota‬ AD resigned after being accused by co-workers of groping and sexting them. Cue “Golden Groper” jokes. ‪#‎goldengophers‬

A belated suggestion for Chris Christie when Rand Paul slammed him for giving Obama a “big hug.” So why didn’t  the NJ Governor turn around and answer “Senator, when the President of the United States shows up in your state after a major natural disaster, bringing money and the Federal government’s resources to help, the question should be, why DON’T you hug him or her. Because that is no time for partisan politics.”

The US Coast Guard caught a semi-submersible vessel and seized six tons of cocaine off the coast of Mexico. Although they admittedly lost two more tons of the coke while trying to tow the sub ashore. Sounds like it’s going to be a high tide.

Donald Trump’s campaign now says they believe Fox News is part of ‘an organized attack’ designed to stop his ‘movement.’ Oh, this awful GOP on GOP violence. (No, I can’t quite say that with a straight face. )

In Michigan.  State Rep. Todd Courser was allegedly having an affair with Rep. Cindy Gamrat. Both are “family values” Republicans married to other people. So just your average political hypocrisy.

But now Mr .Courser is alleged to used taxpayer money to have come up with a fake email alleging he had sex with a male prostitute. The idea being to create a “complete smear campaign”, which could be debunked, and would then make the actual affair seem “mild by comparison.” ‪#‎youREALLYcannotmakethisstuffup‬

From my funny friend, Alex Kaseberg,   “A new poll has Eleanor Roosevelt as the top choice to be the woman on the $10. Of course Kanye West thinks it should be Beyonce.”