Posted tagged ‘Arizona jokes’

Reigning on a parade

June 22, 2016

During the Cavs victory parade Cleveland’s JR Smith held up a “2016 Election” sign with a check next to his game instead of Clinton or Trump. How silly. Smith couldn’t really win Ohio. King James on the other hand….

Bernie Sanders said today “”It doesn’t appear that I’m going to be the nominee.” In related news, the Thunder say it doesn’t appear they’re going to be the 2016 NBA Champions.

The NHL has approved an expansion team in Las Vegas. Well, this actually could be a major boon for the league. Americans love any sport when they can bet on it.

Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert today began a 15-month prison sentence for hiding money transactions. The money was allegedly hush money after his repeated sexual abuse of young boys.
“I feel so sorry for him”, said nobody.


New York City is going to start offering free sanitary napkins, pads and tampons at public facilities. Of course, the city had has no problem already with a full supply of douche bags.

‪#‎ESPNBodyIssue‬ coming out in July & MLB will be represented by ‪#‎JakeArrieta‬. What, no ‪#‎BartoloColon‬?


Democrats members staging ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ sit-in on House floor to demand vote on gun control. Time for GoFundMe campaign for portapotties?

The ‪#‎GOP‬ is keeping ‪#‎CSpan‬ from televising the ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ Democratic sit-in. So guns are not dangerous but cameras are?


As the ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ sit-in continued, GOP Rep. Louie Gohmert approached the (literally) sitting members of Congress and yelled ‘Radical Islam!’ Hmm, if only the Democrats were armed.


#‎DustyBaker‬ bobblehead night at ‪#‎DodgerStadium‬. Nothing against Dusty, great ‪#‎SFGiants‬ manager. But a Dodger bobblehead? ‪#‎sacrilege‬

You know it’s a bad weather week in the U.S. when you have a friend in Arizona and another friend/client is traveling in Saudi Arabia. and you hear Ridayh is cooler than Phoenix.

Marco Rubio, who pledged he would not return to the Senate if he lost the GOP nomination, today announced his bid for re-election. Of course, given his continued absentee record maybe Marco just meant he won’t be returning to the Senate very often.

Burger King is now testing “Mac N’ Cheetos.” These are Cheetos-breaded deep-fried macaroni and cheese sticks. So you can order a Whopper and feel healthy by comparison?

Donald Trump today accused Hillary Clinton of being “an extension of Obama,”
And right about now most Americans would take that deal..

Trump today called Hillary Clinton a “world-class liar.” So was Trump himself lying in 2012 when he told Fox News ““Hillary Clinton I think is a terrific woman… I think she really works hard and I think she does a good job. I like her.”

Paul Ryan was asked today if he trusts Trump. He chuckled and said “it depends on the issue.” Hmm, would the Speaker care to give examples? Or would my friends and readers care to help him?


A horse is a horse, of course of course…

May 5, 2016

An 8-1 shot in the ‪#‎KentuckyDerby‬ is a horse named “‪#‎Exaggerator‬ .” Waiting for ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ to sue for copyright infringement.

The next GOP primary is in Nebraska. With Ted Cruz having dropped out at least Carly Fiorina doesn’t have to spend time researching a horse that comes from the Cornhusker state, so she can say she’s rooting for him in the Kentucky Derby.


SF Giants reliever Vin Mazzaro May 2, 2 outs, 1 hit, 0 earned runs and a win relieving Johnny Cueto.  May 5,   relieving Matt Cain, Mazzaro got  1 out, with six hits and 9 earned runs ‪#‎Baseballisacruelgame‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬



With each pitch ‪#‎timlincecum‬‘s asking price is going up. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

The Dodgers have suspended SS Erisbel Arruebarrena for the remainder of the season “for his repeated failure to comply with the terms of his contract.” Well, that and for hitting .182. ‪#‎teamsdontsuspendsuperstars‬

Apparently some Hawks players were upset that the Cavaliers, including bench players, kept shooting 3-point shots to set the all-time NBA record last night –  (25)  with the game not even close. Here’s a hint to Atlanta, don’t want a team to set a 3-point shooting record against you? Start playing defense.

A recently published PennLive story says former coach Joe Paterno allegedly was told about accused child sexual abuse Jerry Sandusky in 1976. Guessing that Paterno statue that was temporarily removed from its place on campus going to stay in its hidden “secure location.”

In Hong Kong, KFC is introducing edible nail polish that supposedly tastes like chicken. WTF? KFC’s fried chicken doesn’t really actually taste like chicken.

John McCain says that Donald Trump’s heading the GOP ticket could make the Senate’s re-election bid “the race of my life,” because of how unpopular Trump is with Hispanics.
Yeah, it’s a real bummer when a loose cannon on the Presidential ticket threatens the party’s candidates in state races.
Mean bitch karma for yet another win.

A bodyguard who was fired by Kanye West for allegedly trying to hit on Kim Kardashian says he didn’t do anything wrong and that Kanye is ‘the most self-absorbed person’ he’s ever met. Hmm, another potential running mate for Trump?

Open note to @realDonaldTrump on your running mate pick – @SarahPalinUSA is available. Love, all U.S. comedy writers.


Donald Trump tweeted on Thursday. “Happy ‪#‎CincoDeMayo‬! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!”
‪#‎wrongonsomanylevels‬ ‪#‎guessheswritingoffcaliforniatexasandarizona‬

Paul Ryan “I’m just not ready to do that (support Donald Trump) at this point, I’m not there right now, and I hope to, though, and I want to, but I think what is required is that we unify this party.”
Waiting for one of these wimps to say, “You know what. Screw it. I’m voting for Hillary but support your local GOP candidates. We can survive four more Clinton years with a Republican House and Senate.”

Johnny Manziel, who is out on bail, has been ordered by a Texas judge to have no contact at all with his former girlfriend. And we all know how well Manziel follows instructions.


Police in Arizona have decided to drop felony charges against a high school football player who exposed his penis in a yearbook picture “on a dare,” The relieved kid told a local reporter “God is on my side and I’m blessed [by] everything that’s happened from the support side.”
Uh, it’s Arizona. He shouldn’t be thanking God, but rather the fact he’s a white, heterosexual football player.

As a British Studies major once upon a time, have to note that JD in PA reminds us  .”Anyone who had a Shakespeare course in college could tell you that “Bend it like Richard III” should work on at least two levels.#leicesterjokes”

Fear and loathing

January 26, 2016

Donald Trump is now saying he will “definitely” skip Thursday’s GOP debate on Fox. So this man thinks he can stand up to America’s enemies, and he can’t even stand up to Megyn Kelly?


Donald Trump & Sarah Palin have done so much for Megyn Kelly & Tina Fey’s careers/earning potential they could almost ask for royalties?



Unclear on the concept – Trump says he doesn’t want to debate because Megyn Kelly is a “lightweight.” Uh, to use a sports analogy, no NBA team is upset this year to see the Lakers or 76ers next on their schedule.

Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio has endorsed Donald Trump for President. Well, of course he did. Assume the self-styled “America’s Toughest Sheriff” has designs on being Attorney General?

And now John Rocker is endorsing Trump. Wow. Anyone heard from Archie Bunker lately?

Missouri QB Maty Mauk has been suspended from the football program for the third time since September. The first was a violation of team rules, the second after a dispute in a bar, and this time after a video surfaced of him allegedly smoking cocaine. Even Johnny Manziel is thinking “Dude, get it together.”

Tom Delay is claiming the FBI is “ready to indict” Hillary Clinton. Well, I guess Delay does consider himself an expert on indictments.

Los Angeles Clippers forward Blake Griffin reportedly fractured his hand during an argument with a member of the team’s equipment staff.  So was the injury during the fight itself, or when the guy moved towards Griffin and Blake flopped?


Peyton Manning reportedly told Bill Belichick after the AFC Championship that this *(Super Bowl) might be my last rodeo.” And Belichick no doubt was thinking “We expected THIS game to be your last rodeo.”

In a week the first 2016 Presidential caucuses will be over. And then we can go back to not caring about Iowa for four years.

Reports of hearing gunshots at Naval Medical Center San Diego apparently were a false alarm. But now everyone at the Center will be banned from playing “Call of Duty” without the sound muted.


The SF 49ers hired as their new defensive coordinator the Browns’ Jim O’Neill. So no one told them Cleveland’s only good defensive performance last year was against San Francisco?

New York Jets lineman Sheldon Richardson was placed on 2 years probation after pleading guilty to reduced charges stemming from a July police chase in St. Louis. He allegedly drove up to 143 mph, resisted arrest, and was found to have a loaded handgun under the floor mat. Police also detected a “strong marijuana” odor in the car.
Richardson served a four-game suspension this year for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy. but his lawyer doesn’t expect additional discipline.
Once again, it’s part of the league’s strict “12 strikes and you’re out” policy.

Today’s Darwin nominee: Michigan police say a man who killed in a single car rollover accident in Detroit wasn’t wearing pants and was watching porn while driving. Women are going “How appalling stupid can you be?” Men are going “You can do that?”

Breaking news that Oregon protest leader Ammon Bundy and others have been arrested; 1 person is reportedly dead. ‪#‎Ifonlytheywerearmed‬…. no, wait, never mind.

In Kentucky, a federal judge has ruled that the state cannot deny millions of $$ in a tourism tax incentive to a religious group building a Noah’s Ark attraction, citing First Amendment grounds. Alrighty then, who’s ready to join me in supporting a Wiccan theme park? Or “Atheist World?” Or heck, why not “Mecca Land?”

Not in our pool?

October 1, 2015

The Houston Astros control their own playoff destiny this weekend in Arizona. So what are the D’backs doing about it – putting a shark in the pool?

On a lighter note, former SF Giants catcher and current Dbacks announcer Bob Brenly apparently had a good time with a sorority group taking nonstop selfies at last night’s game -“Better angle—that’s the best out of the 300 I’ve taken today—welcome to parenting 2015—oh wait, let me take a selfie with the hot dog…” I miss Brenly.

Apple watches are so far under-performing the company’s expectations. Makes some sense, the demographic that is old enough to think they need to wear a watch, is too old to figure out how to use the damn Apple things.

A new study says that “phubbing – (phone snubbing) a significant other frequently can damage romantic relationships and increase depression. Wonder how many people told their partners this and got “Honey, what did you say? I was answering a text.”

Jeremy ‪#‎Affeldt‬ says he will retire at end of season’s end. Guess he wants to spend more time getting injured with his family ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Staples says that they are going to resist the trend of opening on Thanksgiving and will remained closed this year on the holiday. Good of them. But really, who wakes up in the morning and says “Ooh, let’s go shopping for office supplies”?

Five-star forward Wenyen Gabriel announced today he is committing to Kentucky for basketball. Good news for John Calipari. But can we stop referring to them as “recruiting classes.” Nothing about Calipari’s recruiting is about classes..

The NCAA found that guard Keith Frazier passed an online course to meet NCAA initial eligibility standards and be admitted to the university, but that an admin had logged in as him and completed all the work. Frazier told ESPN “I didn’t even know what was going on. I didn’t know she was doing that class for me.I wasn’t aware of that.”
He might be telling the truth – “You mean I had course work?”

John Boehner has started damage control after Kevin McCarthy intimated that the Benghazi hearings were politically motivated. And I’ll bet the speaker is gleefully thinking “30 more days, 30 more days…..”

Kentucky Governor Steve Beshear is describing county clerk Kim Davis’ reasons for not granting marriage licenses to gay couples as ‘absurd’ and ‘obtuse.: Wonder how many critics are complaining about Beshear using foreign words.

From Bill Littlejohn: “September was the NFL’s first no-arrest month in six years.Except for the 49ers Super Bowl chances going into cardiac arrest.”

The ‪#‎Oregon‬ shooter was a 20 something white male. Surprisingly, alas, almost no one.  –

Maybe the law change we really need to make to reduce mass shootings in this country is to make it illegal for any man under 30 to own more than a single-shot hunting rifle.

It’s seriously a real shame that the serious mental health issues weren’t a major worry when the U.S. was founded. Because had something been put in an amendment, just MAYBE the GOP would be as fervent about mental health rights as they are about gun rights. Well, we can dream anyway.

Too many questions and too much we don’t know about today’s shooting in Oregon. One question for those who support gun rights: Okay,I get your right to hunt and to protect yourself. But how in the world does that necessitate having an assault weapon?

The horror.

September 28, 2015

Facebook was down for about an hour Monday. The horror. Millions of Americans were forced actually to work.

Washington suspended Jonathan Papelbon 4 games for choking teammate Bryce Harper, and Papelbon accepted MLB’s 3 game suspension for throwing at Manny Machado, so the closer’s season is over. Of course, so was the Nationals’ the day they traded for him.

Who knew that Papelbon-Harper would turn out to be far more riveting than Mayweather-Pacquiao?

People Magazine is reporting Kris Jenner saying about Caitlyn Jenner “I wish I’d never met this man.” Funny, that’s what millions of Americans are saying about meeting Kris’s entire family.

The Washington Nationals pulled Papelbon’s jersey from their stadium shop today. Guessing kids in Africa may have a choice between them and more than a few overstocked Sandoval Red Sox jerseys.

(although the Sandoval jerseys have the added advantage of doubling as tents.)

It’s not even October 1. Anyone but me already tired of ‪#‎Pumpkin‬?

Hillary Clinton, asked today if she’s”a Pumpkin Spice Latte kind of gal.” “Ha! The true answer is I used to be until I saw how many calories are in them”
Waiting for the GOP to condemn her for an elitist act like reading.

With all this talk about the ‪#‎Bloodmoon‬ it’s amazing Donald ‪#‎Trump‬ didn’t use the occasion once again to trash talk ‪#‎megynkelly‬

Former Australian rugby league player Jarryd Hayne had a 37 yd punt return for SF yesterday in their 47-7 loss against Arizona. Shocking. The 49ers actually got the Cardinals to punt?

Last weekend George Zimmerman retweeted a graphic photo of Trayvon Martin’s corpse sent to him by an admirer who called Zimmerman “a one man army.” Can’t we figure out a way for George to get in an argument with dentist Walter Palmer?

An Arizona woman says she found a 26-pound bundle of marijuana that had fallen from a drug smuggler’s plane into her dog house. And a whole lot of people serving time now are going “Why didn’t I think of that?”

Two Ohio alleged bank robbers were arrested after they posted selfies with money on Facebook. Your move, Florida. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Another Arizona woman tried to fake an armed robbery by calling 911 to say she had been attacked and stabbed in her restaurant parking lot. She just didn’t notice the police car parked within sight. They arrested her and found the money in her car. ‪#‎morecompetitionforFlorida‬ ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬

The Missouri Attorney General said his office has concluded an investigation and “the evidence reviewed supports Planned Parenthood’s representation that fetal tissue is handled in accordance with Missouri law.”
Waiting for the first GOP candidate to say “well what does an attorney general know about law?”

About that bridge…

March 26, 2015

Bus to hell time. Seeing that picture over and over again of Germanwings co-pilot Andreas Lubitz at the Golden Gate bridge. And thinking – why didn’t he just jump off of it?



V. Stiviano in court today said that Donald Sterling was her “soulmate.” I’m confused. For two people to be soulmates don’t they have to have souls?

Just how wrong is Indiana’s new bill that allows business owners to discriminate on religious grounds? A similar bill was vetoed by that wacky liberal Gov. Jan Brewer in Arizona.


George Takei is calling for a boycott of Indiana over the new “religious freedom” bill.  Of course, for such a bill to work, people would have to previously have had reason to go to Indiana.

Vanderbilt and Stanford have announced a four game football series in 2021, 2024, 2025 and 2027. This should be interesting – multisyllabic trash talking.

Alex Rodriguez will be subject to increased MLB drug testing after his one-year PED suspension. But to risk being caught for a THIRD time? Just how stupid does baseball think A-Rod is? Oops, never mind

Starbucks has unveiled a limited edition Birthday Cake Frappuccino to celebrate the 20th anniversary of its drink. It will include a “delicious, creamy blend of Vanilla Bean and Hazelnut”, topped with raspberry whipped cream. Starbucks fans are deciding whether to try it, or to just stick with something healthier like a Big Mac.

Top-10 NFL draft prospect Randy Gregory said that he has tested positive in February for marijuana: “I blame myself. And I know it sounds cliché, but there’s really no one else I can blame.”

Okay, clearly the young man, as talented as he is, isn’t NFL ready. Where’s the tainted supplement? Where’s the second-hand smoke? Where’s the “it must have been in brownies?”

And while we’re at it?  Hard to imagine marijuana improving performance (how about that 7.0 40 yard dash?).  And given a choice as far as dangerous drugs, guessing a lot fewer people have been hurt by NFL players who were high on pot vs. those drinking alcohol.

From T.C. “Nebraska defensive end Randy Gregory tested positive for marijuana at the NFL Combine. His agent said Gregory’s response was that he wanted to be a high draft choice.”

Who but me wants to see Wisconsin keep winning just to see what sesquipedalian words Nigel Hayes will come up with in the postgame press conferences.  #MarchMadness.


#‎Kentucky‬ 78, ‪#‎WestVirginia‬ 39. And it wasn’t that close. ‪#‎WVUvsUK‬

Dear Gawd, Pat Robertson this morning on “The 700 Club” What a terrible tragedy. “Was that co-pilot a Muslim?” So congrats to all those who had “about an hour” in the pool.

Your “Awww’ story for the day. Dean Smith, 83, who died last month, set up a trust in his will to send $200 to every one of his varsity players at UNC, with a note to “enjoy a dinner out.” Good thing it’s North Carolina, if Smith had coached at USC or a smaller school the NCAA would no doubt have put the current team on probation.

Newt Gingrich said today at a healthcare conference said not only that he doesn’t think Obamacare should be repealed, but also that House members who claim they want to repeal it really don’t want to either. (Though he does think it should be tweaked.) Is Gingrich trying to be thrown out of the GOP for making too much sense?

Let’s make a deal.

February 28, 2015

Officials say they have seized 15 tons of marijuana at a border crossing near San Diego. Okay, seems like it’s time for California Governor Jerry Brown to discuss a little trade with Colorado for water.


AEG, who wants to build an NFL stadium next to Staples, commissioned a study by former Homeland Security Security Tom Ridge that said an Inglewood professional sports stadium would be too close to LAX, and thus a terrorism target. Except Shea Stadium and now Citi Field are right next to LaGuardia. Or are the Mets not considered a pro team.

An LA County Sheriff’s official said that a white dress that “greatly resembles” the missing gown taken from Lupita Nyong’o’s hotel room was found yesterday under a sink in the same hotel. Or maybe the dress was found the same day as the theft, but the finder thought it was blue.

You can’t make this “stuff” up dept: Richard Mack, a former Arizona sheriff, who founded the anti-Federal government “Constitutional Sheriff and Peace Officer Association” and fought Obamacare, has now started a GoFundMe campaign to cover his and his wife’s medical care. Because Mack had a heart attack, his wife is ill, and they are uninsured.

Two volleyball players at Erskine College in South Carolina came out as gay. And the school reacted by banning homosexuality, saying in a statement that members of their “community are expected to follow the teachings of scripture concerning matters of human sexuality.” Okay, then, so like Abraham, David, Solomon etc, how many wives and concubines are men at the college allowed?

A new app will allow people to upload pictures of their pets, and let others rate them as “cute or not.” This is probably not what Al Gore had in mind when he invented the internet.

A police chief has been arrested and fired after he ordered a “two-girl special” in an undercover prostitution sting. Yep, Florida. (Miami Gardens)



William Shatner says he has to miss Leonard Nimoy’s funeral due to a commitment tonight to attend a Red Cross Charity ball in Florida. What, Shatner couldn’t somehow find a late-night or early morning flight on Priceline?

Worst thing about that American Airlines flight from Dallas to Oklahoma City where passengers were stuck on the plane for 9 hours at DFW Airport. The DRIVE time from Dallas to Oklahoma City is about 3 1/2 hours.

White Sox ace Chris Sale fractured his right foot yesterday, apparently from jumping off of his truck. Was he washing it at the time?

(from my friend Tom D. “I kent believe it.”)


Russian President Vladimir Putin has taken “personal control” of the investigation into the murder of his political opponent Boris Nemtsov, who was shot yesterday near the Kremlin. And no doubt he will find an investigator who will work tirelessly to blame the killing on anyone but Mr. Putin.

Making adjustments?

September 15, 2014

Jonathan Papelbon was ejected from yesterday’s game for making a lewd gesture to fans as he left the mound. The gesture was almost as obscene as the Phillies’ play this season. (Philadelphia, at $175 million, has the third highest payroll in MLB.)


MLB suspended Phillies closer Jonathan Papelbon seven games for his gesture and then bumping an umpire yesterday. So he misses half the team’s remaining games. Other Phillies players are wondering, how could we get so lucky?

Apparently Miss Nebraska had a wardrobe malfunction during the evening gown competition for Miss America last night and accidentally flashed viewers. A few more incidents like that and Americans will actually tune into the pageant.

Russell Pearce, a former Arizona state senator, resigned as the state’s GOPs 1st vice chair. After criticism from members of his own party for saying.”You put me in charge of Medicaid, the first thing I’d do is get [women recipients] Norplant, birth-control implants, or tubal ligations,” Now, were his fellow Republicans condemning him for being anti-women, or pro-birth control?

Coca Cola is bringing back “Surge”, a “loaded” Mountain Dew knock-off from the 1990s. Because we don’t have enough overly caffeinated kids on sugar highs?

As of today,  #AdrianPeterson‬ is playing next weekend in New Orleans. Are ‪#‎Saints‬ defenders allowed to use sticks?


From Michael Hayne  “Adrian Peterson needs to know that if you want to abuse a kid, you make them dress in a pink bunny costume for Halloween.”Too true.

Or you do as a friend threatened her son starting in middle school, if he ever really misbehaved she would show up at his games and say “Hey sweetie, you forgot your lunch, and I cut the crusts off the sandwich just like you like it. Now come here and give mommy a big kiss.”

Seriously though, regarding this ‪#‎AdrianPeterson‬ story and the debate over corporal punishment. Methinks the narrative has been sidetracked. I am from the generation that often got spanked. And many of us didn’t spank our own children. But there’s a difference between a spanking, even a hard spanking, and drawing blood and leaving visible injuries.

Say what you want about the potential distraction of openly gay men in professional sports – and my guess is that in a generation it will be a non-issue – but at least they don’t father flocks of illegitimate children.




University of Miami backup QB Kevin Olsen, 19, was arrested on charges of DUI and possession of a fake or stolen driver’s license. Olsen apparently had FIVE driver’s licenses with him. Wonder what tipped off the police that he was drunk…when he couldn’t figure out which license to show them?


Apparently some U.S. women are getting recruited to join the Islamic State. So what exactly do they get offered? Not seeing the allure of 72 virgins.

Hillary Clinton was in Iowa this weekend, ostensibly to campaign for other Democrats, although she admitted “I’m thinking about it.” And this week no doubt she will slam Obama for not being able to make decisions.

Mets rookie star Jacob deGrom tied a modern MLB record by striking out the first eight batters he faced today. Amazing. Especially since deGrom didn’t have the advantage of pitching against his own team.


Fair trade?

June 12, 2014

Ted Cruz has finally officially renounced his Canadian citizenship and is now a citizen only of the United States. Wasn’t there some way we could have linked this process to making Canada take back Bieber?


An Arizona man arrested for felony unlawfully discharge of a firearm told authorities that he was trying to shoot the moon. What’s his defense – “Stand your Planet?”


A four-day trial has been scheduled July 7-10 to decide if Donald Sterling was properly removed as a trustee as far as the sale of the Clippers. That’s almost 3 weeks away Sterling should have time to change his mind another 4-5 times by then.


Many may criticize Hillary Clinton for her comment about being “dead broke” after leaving the White House.But just guessing Donald Trump will not be one of them, as he has been through FOUR corporate bankruptcies.



Add to the list of those in the GOP who will tread very carefully with Hillary Clinton’s “dead broke” comment, NJ Governor Chris Christie. Estimated to be worth about $5 million.

The Miami Heat are apparently looking at ways to add Carmelo Anthony to their team. Well, that ought to make them even more beloved outside South Florida…..

Bizarre trivia of the day. Since high school (and not counting the Olympics and All-Star games), Tim Duncan, 38, has had only two coaches in 20 years – Dave Odom at Wake Forest and Gregg Popovich.

Osmosis Skincare claims they have come up with “Harmonized Watet” that acts as a drinkable sunscreen for up to three hours.. Sure, makes sense, if you stay inside for three hours to drink it.

New Knicks coach Derek Fisher has vowed to bring a “championship back to New York” because of his championship experience. Yeah, that has worked out so well for Theo Epstein in Chicago.

Quote of the day on the Eric Cantor upset, from former GOP congressman Steve LaTourette: “I didn’t think there was any room to his right, but they found some.”

The Big 12 athletic directors told ESPN they have had “zero discussions” about expansion. “We see how strong and productive our league is with 10 members.” If true, maybe they can swap names with the 12-member Big 10?

The Republican National Committee is jumping on a mistake Hillary Clinton made when she referred to Abe Lincoln as a “Senator” from Illinois when he was actually a Congressman. Wonder how many current members of Congress knew he was either one.

(well, okay, McCain knew, since he was there.)


Texas Gov. Rick Perry, asked if he believes homosexuality is a disorder. “Whether or not you feel compelled to follow a particular lifestyle or not, you have the ability to decide not to do that. I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way.” Too bad Perry doesn’t have the desire to fight his genetic coding to be stupid.


Good point from Dennis Mar, about my comment that Tampa Bay, who hadn’t scored in three games, was perhaps trying to be the official MLB team of the World Cup?  ” To do so, some players would need to develop a baseball version of flopping — perhaps faking the hit-by-pitch.”


(Actually if the NBA really wanted to get rid of flopping it could be done instantly.. Make possible flops reviewable.  And if caught on replay, give the offender a technical.)


Budget solution?

April 3, 2014

An idea after the latest Supreme Court decision abolishing individual limits on giving to campaigns. Since the idea with all this money is to buy politicians, why can’t states start charging sales tax on donations?



Two straight wins to open the season for the Houston Astros. How long until Mayor De Blasio gets blamed for the NY Yankees?


The Phillies’ Ben Revere now owns the MLB record for 1,410 career plate appearances without a single home run. But he’s still two away from passing Duane Kuiper.



Stay classy, Arizona. Some SF fans rented the box behind home plate at last night’s Giants-D’backs game. Rather than having them show up in orange and black on TV, the Diamondbacks moved them all another box behind the dugout. Kind of makes you want some group to rent the pool, come in wearing nondescript clothes, then put on TONS of Giants stuff in the 1st inning,

The Diamondbacks also apparently can’t keep their new $25 corn dog, dubbed the “D’bat” in stock at their concession stands. The 18 inch hot dog filled with cheddar and jalapeno, then wrapped in bacon, battered and deep fried.  And it’s been a huge seller.  Upon reading this at least 100 cardiologists made plans to move to Arizona.

Alabama RB Altee Tenpenny has been charged with marijuana possession. Am sure coach Nick Saban will come up with some stern punishment like making Tenpenny sit through three quarters of the Tide’s game against Florida Atlantic.

A couple will stand trial for an alleged unspecified sex act aboard an Air Canada plane this January. That’s Canada. In the U.S. the airline would probably have levied an inflight entertainment charge.

Former S & L executive and convicted felon Charles Keating has died at 90. Suppose it would make sense for taxpayers to pay for his funeral, heck, we’ve already covered over $3 billion for his financial house of cards.

Breaking television news “A microclimate weather alert” with rainstorms in Northern California. Rainstorms. And back east they are just giggling.

Vladimir Putin has divorced his wife. Last year Russian leader said “It was a joint decision: we hardly see each other, each of us has our own life.” Responded Bill Clinton “And your point is?”

These instant replay reviews are taking 2-3 minutes. Meaning that each of them takes almost as long as Mike Hargrove’s or Nomar Garciaparra’s batting box routines.



Mississippi just passed a new “religious freedom” law, similar to the one vetoed by Gov. Jan Brewer in Arizona, that would allow hotels, restaurants and pharmacies to refuse to serve gays. Guess the state doesn’t think they have enough tourist business to threaten.




Sunday IS the most religious day..

February 27, 2014

The NFL reportedly was considering moving the 2015 Super Bowl from Glendale, Ariz., in the event SB 1062 became law. But Gov. Jan Brewer vetoed the bill, which would have allowed residents to cite religious beliefs as a reason to deny services to anybody. Good to know that in this case, religious intolerance bowed to the greater God of football.

A Texas judge today struck down the state’s gay marriage ban, saying it had no “rational relation to a legitimate government purpose.” So where are all the “small government” conservatives cheering this one?

An ESPN poll of the 128 FBS head college football coaches found only 25 who were in favor of changing the rules to slow down the game. Translation, Nick Saban and 24 other coaches who don’t think their teams can run the hurry-up offense.

The Los Angeles Dodgers announced that Larry King will host a series for the team’s 24/7 television network called “Larry King at Bat.” Presumably Larry hopes to get as a regular guest that nice young man Vin Scully.

Not the Onion. One of the Dodgers’ giveaways this year will be a Babe Ruth bobblehead in September. (After retiring the Babe spent a year in Brooklyn as a first base coach.) So is L.A. that worried about playing meaningful games to draw in fans in September?

Dallas owner Jerry Jones says it’s his fault, not Tony Romo’s, that the Cowboys haven’t gotten to the Super Bowl. What, because Jones didn’t trade Romo?

Raymond Felton, arrested on felony gun charges and for allegedly waving a loaded at his estranged wife during an argument, stated “This is not a distraction to this team.” Forget the “gay teammate” question, where’s the poll asking players how comfortable they are with this kind of idiot in the locker room?


From Marc Ragovin:  “One day after being charged with illegal gun possession, Raymond Felton of the NY Knicks briefly addressed the matter with reporters, then shifted the discussion to the team’s playoff push. Ahhh, so I see he’s laying the groundwork for an insanity defense.”



Jim Lange, former California radio icon, and host of “Name that Tune” and “The Dating Game”, passed away this week. At his service, mourners will be invited to name that hymn in only five, four, three notes…..

Apparenlty the world’s largest exchange for trading bitcoin currency shut down today, triggering a massive sell-off. So maybe the bitcoin era is ending before I even had to figure out what it was?

Ohio is ending early voting on Sundays and weekday evenings, leaving early voting only by absentee ballot, or in person for four weeks from 8a-5pm M-F, and two Saturdays. Secretary of State Jon Husted said – with a straight face – “Our goal is to make it easy to vote and hard to cheat and to ensure that everyone has an equal opportunity in the voting process.” Right, because cheaters only come out at night and on Sundays. And no one ever mails in someone else’s absentee ballot….


From my friend Jim Barach:  “Colorado is cracking down on DUIs from people driving while stoned. Recently a police officer was involved in a chase with a suspected pot smoker that reached speeds up to 7 mph.”

(Just thinking, if California ever legalizes marijuana, it ought to get real interesting with all our Priuses. (Prii?)


A really tough search.

February 26, 2014

A GOP lobbyist says he is preparing legislation to prevent gay players from joining the NFL. Jack Burkman says “If the NFL has no morals and no values then the Congress must find values for it.” Thinking that in Washington putting CONGRESS in charge of morals and finding values has less of a chance than Diogenes finding his honest man .


Steve Elkington, (Who? Yeah, he won the PGA in 1995) tweeted a homophobic joke about Michael Sam. Right, because we all know when it comes to tough male athletes, we think of golfers first.


So Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel has announced major cuts in the military budget, to just under $500 billion. Oh, the horror. Now the U.S. will only spend as much as the next seven countries beneath us combined….

Knicks PG Raymond Felton was arrested this morning three counts of criminal possession of a weapon. Well, we knew even the Nets’ signing of Jason Collins couldn’t mean Brooklyn had the New York NBA headlines for long.

#RaymondFelton has a court date of June 2. The NBA finals start June 5. So fortunately his arrest won’t affect this year’s #Knicks

Bachelorette season 8 winner Jef Holm told Us Weekly that Juan Pablo is “by far the sleaziest Bachelor.” Isn’t that statement kind of redundant?

One reason to watch the Bachelor: A few hours of these folks make all the people in your real life seem so much saner and more normal by comparison.

A Sonoma County man has been sentenced to six years in prison after his eighth DUI. Part of California’s 8 strikes and you’re out policy?


Ozzie Smith is leading a petition campaign to make MLB Opening Day a national holiday. With 100,000 signatures it would mean the Obama adminstation has to respond. Maybe Ozzie would have better luck if he made the petition say “create a holiday, and deport Bieber while you’re at it.”

The Washington Redskins posted a YouTube video congratulating Dale Earnhardt Jr. on his Daytona 500 win. Guess this is the closest the team thinks they will get to any kind of a championship.

Johan Santana threw for seven MLB scouts in Florida, and topped out at 81 mph. Maybe it wasn’t a great idea to get coaching on his fastball from Jamie Moyer?

Apparently Arizona Governor Jan Brewer will actually veto the anti-gay bill that would allow businesses not to serve customers based on religious beliefs. No doubt she has million$ of rea$on$ for her deci$ion.


My comedy writing friend Jerry Perisho asks “Could we lock Aaron Hernandez up with OJ Simpson?” I’m wondering if we could just lock him up for a little while with those douchebags who attacked Bryan Stow?

He has his blinker on, she stops for directions?

February 21, 2014

Ok, this could be fun. Tony Stewart, defending his driver Danica Patrick against Richard Petty, 76, who asserted that the only way she could win a Sprint Cup race is if no one else were on the track: “I think a race would settle it once and for all. I will supply the cars. I’ll make sure they have exactly the same setup in the car and give him the chance



Johnny Manziel “I feel like I play like I’m 10 feet tall.” That kind of cockiness is no doubt to inspire several defensive ends and linebackers to try to put him 6 feet under.

The Arizona legislature has passed a bill allowing individuals to use religious beliefs as a defense against a lawsuit And of course, it would allow bigots not to serve gays and lesbians. But doesn’t it equally mean that gays, lesbians and Christians who believe we are all God’s children could refuse to serve bigots?

Crooks are stupid item of the day: A California man was arrested when he went to the police to report he had been the victim of a hit-and-run. And the police recognized him and his car from surveillance videos from three recent robberies.

Congratulations to Canada on their gold medal in men’s curling. Maybe a nation with strong gun control laws needs to get really good at throwing rocks?

One of this year’s Olympic oxymorons: U.S. Speedskaters

The situation in the Ukraine is bad enough that Putin may soon be telling Olympic reporters “Why don’t you ask me about gay rights?

Have to love it. Ashley Wagner, who had a fall-plagued skate at US nationals and was named to Team USA based on her past record over a woman who skated better, is now complaining about the judging in the Olympics, claiming that higher scores were awarded based on reputation and favoritism. #irony

Ok. I guess most Americans can now stop pretending to care about Hockey for another four years.


Apparently angry parents who took their kids to see Miley Cyrus are calling to complain about too much sexual innuendo in her concerts. Uh, did any of these people see or read about the MTV awards before buying tickets?

Michele Bachman told an interviewer that she thought many Americans “aren’t ready” for a female president. Uh, Michele, maybe they just aren’t ready for YOU to be president.


So long, farewell. Auf wiedersehen, good bye. Maria Agatha Franziska Gobertina von Trapp, the second oldest and last surviving child of the Trapp family, (Louisa in the Sound of Music) died last week at 99. Let’s hope it wasn’t that NBC remake that killed her.

Missed it by that much?

May 23, 2012

The  “Player formerly known as Ron Artest”  about the Lakers’ loss “(We) definitely underachieved,” World Peace said. “We were the best team in the NBA and lost in five (games).” Never thought I’d write this sentence, but for now, I think we’ve all had enough of World Peace.  –

Constantly seeing this Facebook ad for “Maverick PAC.” It asks me to “Join our network of conservative, young professionals.” So what’s the bigger miss here, that I am conservative, or that I am young?

Another thought on the latest craziness out of Arizona. The state.  at the instructions of Sheriff Joe Arpaio,  paid to send a deputy to Hawaii to look into Obama’s birth certificate. But they don’t want to waste taxpayer money on birth control?


The outgoing president of the South Carolina AFL-CIO was seen on video bashing a pinata of Governor Nikki Haley’s face at a retreat last weekend. This prompted two responses from the GOP: 1. Outrage. 2. Quick, hide the Obama pinatas.



A young child escaped with minor injuries after his parents put him in a laundromat washing machine as a joke, and the machine automatically started running. Shame parenthood doesn’t at least have the same rules the Humane Society requires to adopt a pet.


Wall Street is definitely defriending Facebook.



How far does Facebook stock have to fall before the GOP blames it on Obama.


The US Airways flight that diverted to Bangor over a security threat was apparently because a woman said she had “a device surgically implanted inside her.” Let’s hope implants don’t start putting people on the no-fly list, or it will ground half the women in Los Angeles.


A US Airways flight from Paris to Charlotte has been diverted to Bangor due to a so far unspecified “security issue.” Wonder how many passengers are already demanding that the airline credit them with the extra frequent flier miles. –


Eugene J. Polley,, 96, has died. He was the inventor of the televison remote control. Funeral plans have not been finalized but a number of speakers apparently will be alternating back and forth in short rapid stints at the service.



Deliberations continue in  the John Edwards trial. Wonder if jurors are still trying to find some reason to make being a scumbag a criminal offense


Not saying tonight’s game five between the Heat and the Pacers was rough,  but the winner may be sanctioned by the WWE.


“American Idol” final competition Tuesday night. Not to be confused with the Lakers and Clippers, who are “L.A. Idle.”




Cncinnati Reds pitcher Aroldis Chapman was arrested for speeding (93 in a 71 MPH zone) and driving with a suspended license. This about a year after Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested for shoplifting. Who do these guys think they are – Bengals?

Opening day.

May 18, 2012

After the first day of stock trading – Facebook’s relationship to Wall Street? “It’s complicated.”


Not Facebook, but short term business idea for moderately big bucks: Discreet book covers for “Fifty Shades of Grey” for women to use on airplanes, by the pool and at little league practices.


A Wisconsin man bought a Green Bay Packers Super Bowl XLV championship ring at a pawn shop. Hmm, this might be the only way Lebron gets his ring.


Kerry Wood made one last appearance today for the Chicago Cubs, before announcing his retirement. He ended with one last strikeout, though it might have been more fitting had Woods finished by first announcing one last trip to the DL.

The Miami Heat canceled practice today. Well, guess based on the last two games it wasn’t working anyway. –


The Lakers salvaged Game 3,  but Lakers guard Steve Blake and his wife have been attacked and threatened online since he missed a possible game-winning shot against the Thunder in game 2. Who do these idiots think they are, soccer fans?




AZ GOP Sec of State Ken Bennett said “I am not a birther,” but “At the request of a constituent, I asked Hawaii for a verification in lieu of certified copy. We’re merely asking them to officially confirm they have (Obama’s) birth certificate in their possession and are awaiting their response. He said if the issue is not resolved it was “possible” he would keep the President off the ballot. Arizona sounds like they just can’t stand Florida having the title “Craziest state in the U.S.”


The attorney general’s office in Hawaii is telling Arizona’s secretary of state that if he wants confirmation of President Obama’s birth records, he’ll have to prove he legitimately needs it.   Translation  “Are you all nucking futs?”


New Ohio State football coach and AD Gene Smith self-reported 46 recent secondary recruiting violations. Why 46 exactly? Maybe they figured 50 would be serious?

Unpopularity contest?

May 4, 2010

Who’s going to be less popular? Any Arizona legislator at Cinco de Mayo? Or any BP executive at Mardi Gras?

One of many soundbites of the day, Bill Kristol saying, offshore drilling is “very environmentally clean, except when there is a disaster like the spill.” Other than that, Mrs. Kennedy, how did you like Dallas?

(or for those who still find a JFK reference too soon. Other than that Mr. Buckner, how did you enjoy the World Series?)

Kind of bizarre in the midst of this immigration issue, the Phoenix Suns are having an improbably good showing in the playoffs right now, led by a guy who came here first on a student visa from Canada.

(Steve Nash, for all non NBA fans.)

According to the Alabama Press-Register, BP was circulating waivers to coastal Alabama residents that would provide them with payments up to $5000 in exchange for giving up the right to sue over the oil spill. If true, perhaps BP should change the P in their name from Petroleum to a plural noun not appropriate for a general and potentially family audience on a blog.

A 17 year old Phillies fan was tasered when he ran onto the field. While some think that was too drastic, the police could have inflicted more severe pain – they could have driven him an hour and a half south and make him sit through a week of Orioles game.

silly but very funny joke from Alex Kaseberg – Turkish scientists claim they have found the remains of Noah’s ark on top of Mt. Ararat. In fact, they may even have the transcript of the last comment from Noah’s wife, Nammah. She said: “Bad news, Noah, I think the male unicorn is gay.”

Former Georgia quarterback Zach Mettenberger, who was battling for a starting job until his arrest for a incident at a bar last month, pled guilty to two misdemeanor counts of sexual battery.

Mettenberger, a red-shirt freshman, has been kicked off the team, but according to he will apparently visit Cincinnati and Louisville next month, where he could have up to three years eligibility.

Or he could go right to Pittsburgh and understudy with Ben Roethlisberger.

Conservative David Cameron, current Labour PM Gordon Brown, and Liberal Democrat Nick Clegg are all running to be the next Prime Minister of Britain. In case we in the U.S. think we have a monopoly on childish political behavior, two years ago Mr. Cameron was asked for a political joke. His reply “Nick Clegg.”

New Arizona slogans?

April 27, 2010

As law enforcement officers and residents alike adjust to the new Arizona immigration law, it might be time to think of some new subtitles for the state slogans:

As in

“Arizona – you’ll never get a decent taco in this state again.”

Arizona -a state since 1912, a state of confusion since 2010.

Arizona -we don’t need no stinking badges, but we do need your stinking papers.

Here’s an interesting question. Which is a smaller number – the number of NBA fans outside Los Angeles who will be rooting for the Lakers tomorrow against the Oklahoma City Thunder? Or the number of Latino fans who will now be rooting for the Phoenix Suns against the Portland Trail Blazers?

The NBA’s Western Conference’s number two seed, the Dallas Mavericks, are one game away from being eliminated by the San Antonio Spurs. And the worst thing for Dallas fans -there’s no way to blame this one on Jessica Simpson.

Roy Halladay is one of the best pitchers in baseball, having allowed 3 earned runs in 4 starts. The San Francisco Giants are one of the worst hitting teams in baseball. So what happens tonight when Halladay starts? The Giants score 3 runs in the first 2 innings, and 5 runs off him in six innings. Is baseball a great game or what?

“The decision to suspend me speaks clearly that more is expected of me. I am accountable for the consequences of my actions. Though I have committed no crime, I regret that I have fallen short of the values instilled in me by my family.”

The above was the statement from Ben Roethlisberger today about his suspension. Do we think he wrote the words or lifted them from “Hamlet” or “Tale of Two Cities”?

The British Government is falling all over themselves to apologize for to Pope Benedict XVI for what was obviously a tongue-in-cheek leaked Foreign Office memo suggesting that he could launch Benedict-brand condoms or bless a gay marriage when he visits the United Kingdom later this year.

In a statement, the Foreign Office said that “the individual responsible” was told “this was a serious error of judgement and has accepted this view.”

No word on the papal response. Although his Excellency does seem to have a strong track record of forgiving “serious errors in judgement.”

Eight young girls sustained moderate injuries when a crowd of thousands swarmed the gates in Sydney, Australia for a Justin Bieber concert. “That’s awful”, said Americans who heard the story. “And who the heck is Justin Bieber?” added anyone who doesn’t have a pre-teen daughter.

(Inspired by a joke from Jason Love) These minivans with television for riders in the back seat can be a real problem for anyone driving behind them. In fact, many drivers report they get distracted and forget who they are texting.

Draft days…

April 24, 2010

One of those “times have changed” thoughts: Amazing to think that anyone under 40 hears the phrase “chosen early in the draft” and thinks only that it can be a good thing.

There is at least one similarity, however, between the draft in the Vietnam war and the NFL draft. Anyone with a low draft number, or chosen by the Oakland Raiders is likely to have least entertained thoughts of heading to Canada.

Congratulations to Toby Gerhart of Stanford, who was just drafted in the second round by the Minnesota Vikings. thinks he will get 5-8 carries a game. Not counting the number of times he has to carry Brett Favre off the field.

Carlos Dunlap is a talented defensive end from the University of Florida with alleged attitude problems. He also was arrrested last fall for a DUI before he turned 21, right before the SEC championship.

Dunlap was drafted in the second round by Cincinnati. Guess the Bengals figure he’s already in what they consider NFL form.

A new law in Arizona requires police to question anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant. This means for safety reasons when they play the Diamondbacks this June, the New York Yankees will leave their pitching staff at home.

Seriously, so ANYONE they suspect might be an illegal immigrant. New slogan “Wear a maple leaf, go to jail.”

So the NCAA denied a football bowl application for the Cure Bowl in Orlando, which would have benefited the American Cancer Society, and Susan G. Komen for the Cure.

The NCAA did, however, approve the Pinstripe Bowl in Yankee Stadium. It’s heartwarming stories like these that make you wonder how student athletes can possibly leave school early for the money.

Amazing stat apropos of nothing. After four starts Tim Lincecum of the San Francisco Giants has as many RBI’s – three – as he has allowed runs all year.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney said in an interview with Dennis Miller that telling Senator Patrick Leahy to go “f—- yourself” was “the best thing I ever did.”

Well, let’s see, the Iraq war, authorizing torture, shooting his friend in the face, backing Halliburton, etc, etc.

Maybe considering Cheney’s other “accomplishments” as V.P., the comment MIGHT have been the best thing he ever did.