Posted tagged ‘Arizona jokes’

Reigning on a parade

June 22, 2016

During the Cavs victory parade Cleveland’s JR Smith held up a “2016 Election” sign with a check next to his game instead of Clinton or Trump. How silly. Smith couldn’t really win Ohio. King James on the other hand….

Bernie Sanders said today “”It doesn’t appear that I’m going to be the nominee.” In related news, the Thunder say it doesn’t appear they’re going to be the 2016 NBA Champions.

The NHL has approved an expansion team in Las Vegas. Well, this actually could be a major boon for the league. Americans love any sport when they can bet on it.

Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert today began a 15-month prison sentence for hiding money transactions. The money was allegedly hush money after his repeated sexual abuse of young boys.
“I feel so sorry for him”, said nobody.

 

New York City is going to start offering free sanitary napkins, pads and tampons at public facilities. Of course, the city had has no problem already with a full supply of douche bags.

‪#‎ESPNBodyIssue‬ coming out in July & MLB will be represented by ‪#‎JakeArrieta‬. What, no ‪#‎BartoloColon‬?

 

Democrats members staging ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ sit-in on House floor to demand vote on gun control. Time for GoFundMe campaign for portapotties?

The ‪#‎GOP‬ is keeping ‪#‎CSpan‬ from televising the ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ Democratic sit-in. So guns are not dangerous but cameras are?

 

As the ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ sit-in continued, GOP Rep. Louie Gohmert approached the (literally) sitting members of Congress and yelled ‘Radical Islam!’ Hmm, if only the Democrats were armed.

 

#‎DustyBaker‬ bobblehead night at ‪#‎DodgerStadium‬. Nothing against Dusty, great ‪#‎SFGiants‬ manager. But a Dodger bobblehead? ‪#‎sacrilege‬

You know it’s a bad weather week in the U.S. when you have a friend in Arizona and another friend/client is traveling in Saudi Arabia. and you hear Ridayh is cooler than Phoenix.

Marco Rubio, who pledged he would not return to the Senate if he lost the GOP nomination, today announced his bid for re-election. Of course, given his continued absentee record maybe Marco just meant he won’t be returning to the Senate very often.

Burger King is now testing “Mac N’ Cheetos.” These are Cheetos-breaded deep-fried macaroni and cheese sticks. So you can order a Whopper and feel healthy by comparison?

Donald Trump today accused Hillary Clinton of being “an extension of Obama,”
And right about now most Americans would take that deal..

Trump today called Hillary Clinton a “world-class liar.” So was Trump himself lying in 2012 when he told Fox News ““Hillary Clinton I think is a terrific woman… I think she really works hard and I think she does a good job. I like her.”

Paul Ryan was asked today if he trusts Trump. He chuckled and said “it depends on the issue.” Hmm, would the Speaker care to give examples? Or would my friends and readers care to help him?

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A horse is a horse, of course of course…

May 5, 2016

An 8-1 shot in the ‪#‎KentuckyDerby‬ is a horse named “‪#‎Exaggerator‬ .” Waiting for ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ to sue for copyright infringement.

The next GOP primary is in Nebraska. With Ted Cruz having dropped out at least Carly Fiorina doesn’t have to spend time researching a horse that comes from the Cornhusker state, so she can say she’s rooting for him in the Kentucky Derby.

 

SF Giants reliever Vin Mazzaro May 2, 2 outs, 1 hit, 0 earned runs and a win relieving Johnny Cueto.  May 5,   relieving Matt Cain, Mazzaro got  1 out, with six hits and 9 earned runs ‪#‎Baseballisacruelgame‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

 

 

With each pitch ‪#‎timlincecum‬‘s asking price is going up. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

The Dodgers have suspended SS Erisbel Arruebarrena for the remainder of the season “for his repeated failure to comply with the terms of his contract.” Well, that and for hitting .182. ‪#‎teamsdontsuspendsuperstars‬

Apparently some Hawks players were upset that the Cavaliers, including bench players, kept shooting 3-point shots to set the all-time NBA record last night –  (25)  with the game not even close. Here’s a hint to Atlanta, don’t want a team to set a 3-point shooting record against you? Start playing defense.

A recently published PennLive story says former coach Joe Paterno allegedly was told about accused child sexual abuse Jerry Sandusky in 1976. Guessing that Paterno statue that was temporarily removed from its place on campus going to stay in its hidden “secure location.”

In Hong Kong, KFC is introducing edible nail polish that supposedly tastes like chicken. WTF? KFC’s fried chicken doesn’t really actually taste like chicken.

John McCain says that Donald Trump’s heading the GOP ticket could make the Senate’s re-election bid “the race of my life,” because of how unpopular Trump is with Hispanics.
Yeah, it’s a real bummer when a loose cannon on the Presidential ticket threatens the party’s candidates in state races.
Mean bitch karma for yet another win.

A bodyguard who was fired by Kanye West for allegedly trying to hit on Kim Kardashian says he didn’t do anything wrong and that Kanye is ‘the most self-absorbed person’ he’s ever met. Hmm, another potential running mate for Trump?

Open note to @realDonaldTrump on your running mate pick – @SarahPalinUSA is available. Love, all U.S. comedy writers.

 

Donald Trump tweeted on Thursday. “Happy ‪#‎CincoDeMayo‬! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!”
‪#‎wrongonsomanylevels‬ ‪#‎guessheswritingoffcaliforniatexasandarizona‬

Paul Ryan “I’m just not ready to do that (support Donald Trump) at this point, I’m not there right now, and I hope to, though, and I want to, but I think what is required is that we unify this party.”
Waiting for one of these wimps to say, “You know what. Screw it. I’m voting for Hillary but support your local GOP candidates. We can survive four more Clinton years with a Republican House and Senate.”

Johnny Manziel, who is out on bail, has been ordered by a Texas judge to have no contact at all with his former girlfriend. And we all know how well Manziel follows instructions.

 

 –
Police in Arizona have decided to drop felony charges against a high school football player who exposed his penis in a yearbook picture “on a dare,” The relieved kid told a local reporter “God is on my side and I’m blessed [by] everything that’s happened from the support side.”
Uh, it’s Arizona. He shouldn’t be thanking God, but rather the fact he’s a white, heterosexual football player.

As a British Studies major once upon a time, have to note that JD in PA reminds us  .”Anyone who had a Shakespeare course in college could tell you that “Bend it like Richard III” should work on at least two levels.#leicesterjokes”

Fear and loathing

January 26, 2016

Donald Trump is now saying he will “definitely” skip Thursday’s GOP debate on Fox. So this man thinks he can stand up to America’s enemies, and he can’t even stand up to Megyn Kelly?

 

Donald Trump & Sarah Palin have done so much for Megyn Kelly & Tina Fey’s careers/earning potential they could almost ask for royalties?

 

 

Unclear on the concept – Trump says he doesn’t want to debate because Megyn Kelly is a “lightweight.” Uh, to use a sports analogy, no NBA team is upset this year to see the Lakers or 76ers next on their schedule.

Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio has endorsed Donald Trump for President. Well, of course he did. Assume the self-styled “America’s Toughest Sheriff” has designs on being Attorney General?

And now John Rocker is endorsing Trump. Wow. Anyone heard from Archie Bunker lately?

Missouri QB Maty Mauk has been suspended from the football program for the third time since September. The first was a violation of team rules, the second after a dispute in a bar, and this time after a video surfaced of him allegedly smoking cocaine. Even Johnny Manziel is thinking “Dude, get it together.”

Tom Delay is claiming the FBI is “ready to indict” Hillary Clinton. Well, I guess Delay does consider himself an expert on indictments.

Los Angeles Clippers forward Blake Griffin reportedly fractured his hand during an argument with a member of the team’s equipment staff.  So was the injury during the fight itself, or when the guy moved towards Griffin and Blake flopped?

 

Peyton Manning reportedly told Bill Belichick after the AFC Championship that this *(Super Bowl) might be my last rodeo.” And Belichick no doubt was thinking “We expected THIS game to be your last rodeo.”

In a week the first 2016 Presidential caucuses will be over. And then we can go back to not caring about Iowa for four years.

Reports of hearing gunshots at Naval Medical Center San Diego apparently were a false alarm. But now everyone at the Center will be banned from playing “Call of Duty” without the sound muted.

 

The SF 49ers hired as their new defensive coordinator the Browns’ Jim O’Neill. So no one told them Cleveland’s only good defensive performance last year was against San Francisco?

New York Jets lineman Sheldon Richardson was placed on 2 years probation after pleading guilty to reduced charges stemming from a July police chase in St. Louis. He allegedly drove up to 143 mph, resisted arrest, and was found to have a loaded handgun under the floor mat. Police also detected a “strong marijuana” odor in the car.
Richardson served a four-game suspension this year for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy. but his lawyer doesn’t expect additional discipline.
Once again, it’s part of the league’s strict “12 strikes and you’re out” policy.

Today’s Darwin nominee: Michigan police say a man who killed in a single car rollover accident in Detroit wasn’t wearing pants and was watching porn while driving. Women are going “How appalling stupid can you be?” Men are going “You can do that?”

Breaking news that Oregon protest leader Ammon Bundy and others have been arrested; 1 person is reportedly dead. ‪#‎Ifonlytheywerearmed‬…. no, wait, never mind.

In Kentucky, a federal judge has ruled that the state cannot deny millions of $$ in a tourism tax incentive to a religious group building a Noah’s Ark attraction, citing First Amendment grounds. Alrighty then, who’s ready to join me in supporting a Wiccan theme park? Or “Atheist World?” Or heck, why not “Mecca Land?”

Not in our pool?

October 1, 2015

The Houston Astros control their own playoff destiny this weekend in Arizona. So what are the D’backs doing about it – putting a shark in the pool?

On a lighter note, former SF Giants catcher and current Dbacks announcer Bob Brenly apparently had a good time with a sorority group taking nonstop selfies at last night’s game -“Better angle—that’s the best out of the 300 I’ve taken today—welcome to parenting 2015—oh wait, let me take a selfie with the hot dog…” I miss Brenly.

Apple watches are so far under-performing the company’s expectations. Makes some sense, the demographic that is old enough to think they need to wear a watch, is too old to figure out how to use the damn Apple things.

A new study says that “phubbing – (phone snubbing) a significant other frequently can damage romantic relationships and increase depression. Wonder how many people told their partners this and got “Honey, what did you say? I was answering a text.”

Jeremy ‪#‎Affeldt‬ says he will retire at end of season’s end. Guess he wants to spend more time getting injured with his family ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Staples says that they are going to resist the trend of opening on Thanksgiving and will remained closed this year on the holiday. Good of them. But really, who wakes up in the morning and says “Ooh, let’s go shopping for office supplies”?

Five-star forward Wenyen Gabriel announced today he is committing to Kentucky for basketball. Good news for John Calipari. But can we stop referring to them as “recruiting classes.” Nothing about Calipari’s recruiting is about classes..

The NCAA found that guard Keith Frazier passed an online course to meet NCAA initial eligibility standards and be admitted to the university, but that an admin had logged in as him and completed all the work. Frazier told ESPN “I didn’t even know what was going on. I didn’t know she was doing that class for me.I wasn’t aware of that.”
He might be telling the truth – “You mean I had course work?”

John Boehner has started damage control after Kevin McCarthy intimated that the Benghazi hearings were politically motivated. And I’ll bet the speaker is gleefully thinking “30 more days, 30 more days…..”

Kentucky Governor Steve Beshear is describing county clerk Kim Davis’ reasons for not granting marriage licenses to gay couples as ‘absurd’ and ‘obtuse.: Wonder how many critics are complaining about Beshear using foreign words.

From Bill Littlejohn: “September was the NFL’s first no-arrest month in six years.Except for the 49ers Super Bowl chances going into cardiac arrest.”

The ‪#‎Oregon‬ shooter was a 20 something white male. Surprisingly, alas, almost no one.  –

Maybe the law change we really need to make to reduce mass shootings in this country is to make it illegal for any man under 30 to own more than a single-shot hunting rifle.

It’s seriously a real shame that the serious mental health issues weren’t a major worry when the U.S. was founded. Because had something been put in an amendment, just MAYBE the GOP would be as fervent about mental health rights as they are about gun rights. Well, we can dream anyway.

Too many questions and too much we don’t know about today’s shooting in Oregon. One question for those who support gun rights: Okay,I get your right to hunt and to protect yourself. But how in the world does that necessitate having an assault weapon?

The horror.

September 28, 2015

Facebook was down for about an hour Monday. The horror. Millions of Americans were forced actually to work.

Washington suspended Jonathan Papelbon 4 games for choking teammate Bryce Harper, and Papelbon accepted MLB’s 3 game suspension for throwing at Manny Machado, so the closer’s season is over. Of course, so was the Nationals’ the day they traded for him.

Who knew that Papelbon-Harper would turn out to be far more riveting than Mayweather-Pacquiao?

People Magazine is reporting Kris Jenner saying about Caitlyn Jenner “I wish I’d never met this man.” Funny, that’s what millions of Americans are saying about meeting Kris’s entire family.

The Washington Nationals pulled Papelbon’s jersey from their stadium shop today. Guessing kids in Africa may have a choice between them and more than a few overstocked Sandoval Red Sox jerseys.

(although the Sandoval jerseys have the added advantage of doubling as tents.)

It’s not even October 1. Anyone but me already tired of ‪#‎Pumpkin‬?

Hillary Clinton, asked today if she’s”a Pumpkin Spice Latte kind of gal.” “Ha! The true answer is I used to be until I saw how many calories are in them”
Waiting for the GOP to condemn her for an elitist act like reading.

With all this talk about the ‪#‎Bloodmoon‬ it’s amazing Donald ‪#‎Trump‬ didn’t use the occasion once again to trash talk ‪#‎megynkelly‬

Former Australian rugby league player Jarryd Hayne had a 37 yd punt return for SF yesterday in their 47-7 loss against Arizona. Shocking. The 49ers actually got the Cardinals to punt?

Last weekend George Zimmerman retweeted a graphic photo of Trayvon Martin’s corpse sent to him by an admirer who called Zimmerman “a one man army.” Can’t we figure out a way for George to get in an argument with dentist Walter Palmer?

An Arizona woman says she found a 26-pound bundle of marijuana that had fallen from a drug smuggler’s plane into her dog house. And a whole lot of people serving time now are going “Why didn’t I think of that?”

Two Ohio alleged bank robbers were arrested after they posted selfies with money on Facebook. Your move, Florida. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Another Arizona woman tried to fake an armed robbery by calling 911 to say she had been attacked and stabbed in her restaurant parking lot. She just didn’t notice the police car parked within sight. They arrested her and found the money in her car. ‪#‎morecompetitionforFlorida‬ ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬

The Missouri Attorney General said his office has concluded an investigation and “the evidence reviewed supports Planned Parenthood’s representation that fetal tissue is handled in accordance with Missouri law.”
Waiting for the first GOP candidate to say “well what does an attorney general know about law?”

About that bridge…

March 26, 2015

Bus to hell time. Seeing that picture over and over again of Germanwings co-pilot Andreas Lubitz at the Golden Gate bridge. And thinking – why didn’t he just jump off of it?

 

 

V. Stiviano in court today said that Donald Sterling was her “soulmate.” I’m confused. For two people to be soulmates don’t they have to have souls?

Just how wrong is Indiana’s new bill that allows business owners to discriminate on religious grounds? A similar bill was vetoed by that wacky liberal Gov. Jan Brewer in Arizona.

 


George Takei is calling for a boycott of Indiana over the new “religious freedom” bill.  Of course, for such a bill to work, people would have to previously have had reason to go to Indiana.

Vanderbilt and Stanford have announced a four game football series in 2021, 2024, 2025 and 2027. This should be interesting – multisyllabic trash talking.

Alex Rodriguez will be subject to increased MLB drug testing after his one-year PED suspension. But to risk being caught for a THIRD time? Just how stupid does baseball think A-Rod is? Oops, never mind

Starbucks has unveiled a limited edition Birthday Cake Frappuccino to celebrate the 20th anniversary of its drink. It will include a “delicious, creamy blend of Vanilla Bean and Hazelnut”, topped with raspberry whipped cream. Starbucks fans are deciding whether to try it, or to just stick with something healthier like a Big Mac.

Top-10 NFL draft prospect Randy Gregory said that he has tested positive in February for marijuana: “I blame myself. And I know it sounds cliché, but there’s really no one else I can blame.”

Okay, clearly the young man, as talented as he is, isn’t NFL ready. Where’s the tainted supplement? Where’s the second-hand smoke? Where’s the “it must have been in brownies?”

And while we’re at it?  Hard to imagine marijuana improving performance (how about that 7.0 40 yard dash?).  And given a choice as far as dangerous drugs, guessing a lot fewer people have been hurt by NFL players who were high on pot vs. those drinking alcohol.


From T.C. “Nebraska defensive end Randy Gregory tested positive for marijuana at the NFL Combine. His agent said Gregory’s response was that he wanted to be a high draft choice.”

Who but me wants to see Wisconsin keep winning just to see what sesquipedalian words Nigel Hayes will come up with in the postgame press conferences.  #MarchMadness.

 

#‎Kentucky‬ 78, ‪#‎WestVirginia‬ 39. And it wasn’t that close. ‪#‎WVUvsUK‬

Dear Gawd, Pat Robertson this morning on “The 700 Club” What a terrible tragedy. “Was that co-pilot a Muslim?” So congrats to all those who had “about an hour” in the pool.

Your “Awww’ story for the day. Dean Smith, 83, who died last month, set up a trust in his will to send $200 to every one of his varsity players at UNC, with a note to “enjoy a dinner out.” Good thing it’s North Carolina, if Smith had coached at USC or a smaller school the NCAA would no doubt have put the current team on probation.

Newt Gingrich said today at a healthcare conference said not only that he doesn’t think Obamacare should be repealed, but also that House members who claim they want to repeal it really don’t want to either. (Though he does think it should be tweaked.) Is Gingrich trying to be thrown out of the GOP for making too much sense?

Let’s make a deal.

February 28, 2015

Officials say they have seized 15 tons of marijuana at a border crossing near San Diego. Okay, seems like it’s time for California Governor Jerry Brown to discuss a little trade with Colorado for water.

 

AEG, who wants to build an NFL stadium next to Staples, commissioned a study by former Homeland Security Security Tom Ridge that said an Inglewood professional sports stadium would be too close to LAX, and thus a terrorism target. Except Shea Stadium and now Citi Field are right next to LaGuardia. Or are the Mets not considered a pro team.

An LA County Sheriff’s official said that a white dress that “greatly resembles” the missing gown taken from Lupita Nyong’o’s hotel room was found yesterday under a sink in the same hotel. Or maybe the dress was found the same day as the theft, but the finder thought it was blue.

You can’t make this “stuff” up dept: Richard Mack, a former Arizona sheriff, who founded the anti-Federal government “Constitutional Sheriff and Peace Officer Association” and fought Obamacare, has now started a GoFundMe campaign to cover his and his wife’s medical care. Because Mack had a heart attack, his wife is ill, and they are uninsured.

Two volleyball players at Erskine College in South Carolina came out as gay. And the school reacted by banning homosexuality, saying in a statement that members of their “community are expected to follow the teachings of scripture concerning matters of human sexuality.” Okay, then, so like Abraham, David, Solomon etc, how many wives and concubines are men at the college allowed?

A new app will allow people to upload pictures of their pets, and let others rate them as “cute or not.” This is probably not what Al Gore had in mind when he invented the internet.

A police chief has been arrested and fired after he ordered a “two-girl special” in an undercover prostitution sting. Yep, Florida. (Miami Gardens)

 

 

William Shatner says he has to miss Leonard Nimoy’s funeral due to a commitment tonight to attend a Red Cross Charity ball in Florida. What, Shatner couldn’t somehow find a late-night or early morning flight on Priceline?

Worst thing about that American Airlines flight from Dallas to Oklahoma City where passengers were stuck on the plane for 9 hours at DFW Airport. The DRIVE time from Dallas to Oklahoma City is about 3 1/2 hours.

White Sox ace Chris Sale fractured his right foot yesterday, apparently from jumping off of his truck. Was he washing it at the time?

(from my friend Tom D. “I kent believe it.”)

 

Russian President Vladimir Putin has taken “personal control” of the investigation into the murder of his political opponent Boris Nemtsov, who was shot yesterday near the Kremlin. And no doubt he will find an investigator who will work tirelessly to blame the killing on anyone but Mr. Putin.