Posted tagged ‘Sterling jokes’

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Fair trade?

June 12, 2014

Ted Cruz has finally officially renounced his Canadian citizenship and is now a citizen only of the United States. Wasn’t there some way we could have linked this process to making Canada take back Bieber?

 

An Arizona man arrested for felony unlawfully discharge of a firearm told authorities that he was trying to shoot the moon. What’s his defense – “Stand your Planet?”

 

A four-day trial has been scheduled July 7-10 to decide if Donald Sterling was properly removed as a trustee as far as the sale of the Clippers. That’s almost 3 weeks away Sterling should have time to change his mind another 4-5 times by then.

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Many may criticize Hillary Clinton for her comment about being “dead broke” after leaving the White House.But just guessing Donald Trump will not be one of them, as he has been through FOUR corporate bankruptcies.

 

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Add to the list of those in the GOP who will tread very carefully with Hillary Clinton’s “dead broke” comment, NJ Governor Chris Christie. Estimated to be worth about $5 million.

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The Miami Heat are apparently looking at ways to add Carmelo Anthony to their team. Well, that ought to make them even more beloved outside South Florida…..

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Bizarre trivia of the day. Since high school (and not counting the Olympics and All-Star games), Tim Duncan, 38, has had only two coaches in 20 years – Dave Odom at Wake Forest and Gregg Popovich.

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Osmosis Skincare claims they have come up with “Harmonized Watet” that acts as a drinkable sunscreen for up to three hours.. Sure, makes sense, if you stay inside for three hours to drink it.

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New Knicks coach Derek Fisher has vowed to bring a “championship back to New York” because of his championship experience. Yeah, that has worked out so well for Theo Epstein in Chicago.

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Quote of the day on the Eric Cantor upset, from former GOP congressman Steve LaTourette: “I didn’t think there was any room to his right, but they found some.”

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The Big 12 athletic directors told ESPN they have had “zero discussions” about expansion. “We see how strong and productive our league is with 10 members.” If true, maybe they can swap names with the 12-member Big 10?

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The Republican National Committee is jumping on a mistake Hillary Clinton made when she referred to Abe Lincoln as a “Senator” from Illinois when he was actually a Congressman. Wonder how many current members of Congress knew he was either one.

(well, okay, McCain knew, since he was there.)

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry, asked if he believes homosexuality is a disorder. “Whether or not you feel compelled to follow a particular lifestyle or not, you have the ability to decide not to do that. I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way.” Too bad Perry doesn’t have the desire to fight his genetic coding to be stupid.

 

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Good point from Dennis Mar, about my comment that Tampa Bay, who hadn’t scored in three games, was perhaps trying to be the official MLB team of the World Cup?  ” To do so, some players would need to develop a baseball version of flopping — perhaps faking the hit-by-pitch.”

 

(Actually if the NBA really wanted to get rid of flopping it could be done instantly.. Make possible flops reviewable.  And if caught on replay, give the offender a technical.)

 

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Sometimes baseball is hell too, but.

June 1, 2014

David Price in response to David Ortiz. “We are not soldiers. This is not war.”. This is what comes of having college educated players in baseball.David Price in response to David Ortiz. ” You’re not a soldier. This is not war. We have troops fighting for us that are in a war. It’s not a good comparison.” This is what comes of having college educated players in baseball.

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Now that #Google has #driverlesscars how long until environmentalists push for driverless bikes?

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Proving that US companies do not have a monopoly on cluelessness, the British supermarket chain Asda is selling a “wearable English flag” for the World Cup. It’s white with a red flag and a white hood. #oops. #notokkk

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So after about 100 NBA games, we are back to- the same teams we had in last year’s NBA finals. The aging San Antonio Spurs are trying to avoid another heartbreaking loss, but fortunately of them probably can’t remember it.

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But hey, today is June 1. Which means only about a month left in the NBA season.

There are now “Bring it home, Chrome” shirts and decals etc that fans can buy for California Chrome in the Belmont. Yep, for this week, many Americans care about horse racing. About as long as they will care about the World Cup. #Triplecrown.

Did someone not tell the 2014 #SFGiants they are supposed to be offensively challenged?

(Forget a long-term contract with Pablo Sandoval. Maybe the Giants need to renegotiate with their hitting coach?   Or bring that guy named Bonds around EVERY spring training)

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Donald Sterling was deemed to be suffering from dementia because he showed “an inability to conduct business affairs in a reasonable and normal manner.” So does that mean dementia has affected most CEO’s in the airline industry?

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Valeant Pharmaceuticals keeps sweetening their offer for Botox maker Allergan, Inc, up to about $54.1 billion. Not sure how Allergan executives feel, for some reason they all have poker faces.

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Ted Cruz won the GOP straw poll for President at the Republican Leadership Conference. Which is great news, for Hillary Clinton.

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Herman Cain, at the Republican Leadership Conference, arguing against the idea that the GOP doesn’t reach out to minorities. “What am I, chopped liver?” he exclaimed. Cain then brushed aside people who ran up to him with sliced bread and crackers.

 

The ‪#‎SFGiants‬ would like to thank the ‪#‎AtlantaBraves‬ for not offering free agent ‪#‎TimHudson‬ a contract after last season.

 

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From Gary Bachman,  ” A sinkhole opened up at a Florida Shopping Center. Talk about ‘shop until you drop ‘.”

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Rocky Mountain High.

May 15, 2014

In the first quarter of 2014, the fastest-growing U.S. hotel market in terms of room demand was…. Denver. Would we call this a high occupancy rate

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A 17-year-old girl was kicked out of her senior prom in Virginia last weekend, because some of the fathers chaperoning said her dress was too short, her dancing was “too provocative” and she was going to “cause the young men at the prom to think impure thoughts.” I’ve got news for them, getting up in the morning causes young men to think impure thoughts.

 

Donald Sterling’s lawyer has told the NBA that the Clippers’ owner won’t pay his fine and will sue the league if he isn’t afforded “due process.” So okay, did anyone expect this guy to accept his punishment with grace and go away quietly?

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MLB has announced they have formed a committee to replace retiring commissioner Bud Selig. Well, considering how that “Blue Ribbon” committee to look into moving the Oakland A’s is working out, Selig apparently has plans to be around for at least another decade.

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The Montreal Canadiens and Boston Bruins played their NINTH game 7 last night. A pro sports record. And Chicago Cubs fans responded “What’s a game 7”

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In Canada, the FCC equivalent reprimanded three porn broadcast stations, not for obscenity, but because they felt short of the country’s rules requiring at least 35% of content be of Canadian origin. Ah, the things you have time to worry about when you have healthcare and strict gun laws.

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Aaron Hernandez has now been indicted on murder charges for allegedly shooting two men dead in Boston in 2012. Just wondering, if Hernandez wasn’t a star for the New England Patriots might police have arrested him a lot sooner, and maybe prevented another murder?

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Now the Montreal Canadiens’ Dale Weise said the Boston Bruins’ Milan Lucic “threatened” him during their postgame handshake (Something along the lines of “I’ll bleeping kill you next year.) Wow, a little more public animosity and a few bench-clearing brawls and ESPN might put these two teams on for Americans to watch in prime-time next year.

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A tornado was seen just west of the Miami airport. And the National Weather Service Miami posted. “Take cover now.” So did sympathetic airlines respond by posting discount tornado shelter fees?

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Robert Copeland, an 82 year-old police commissioner from Wolfeboro, NH, admits to calling President Obama the N-word, and says he won’t apologize. What’s next, Copeland offering the keys to the city to Donald Sterling?

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A 31-year-old Texas woman was arrested after posing as a high school student for 8 months. In her defense will she say she was just auditioning for “Glee”?

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “City officials say that New York City could survive a Godzilla attack.But, they added, it may not survive this year’s Mets bullpen”

 

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Crime$ and mi$demeanor$?

May 14, 2014

90 people were arrested today, 50 in Florida, for Medicare fraud schemes estimated to total $260 million. But to be fair, the Florida folks say they were just training to run for Governor.

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The NBA on last night’s OKC-LA officiating hiccup: “There has to be ‘clear and conclusive’ evidence. Since no replay provided such evidence, the play correctly stood as called with the Thunder retaining possession.” Translation, “you really think we’re going to admit to changing the outcome of a playoff game?”

 

The NCAA penalized Oklahoma State because the football program’s Academic Progress Rate score has dropped below the minimum standard. So the Cowboys will lose the equivalent of one day’s practice a week. But OSU avoided worse sanctions, like making the players actually go to class.

 

 

Joran van der Sloot, the main suspect in Natalee Hollowa’s disappearance, is serving a 28-year sentence in Peru for killing a local woman. And now he’s getting MARRIED. To a woman he met while in prison, who is pregnant with his child. Can we title this “Not so smart woman, exceptionally foolish choices.”?

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Really? NY Daily News headline today “Nicole Kidman sparks plastic surgery rumors at Cannes?” So what’s their next headline? “This internet thing could be really big!”?

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MLB changed the call on David Ortiz’s 7th inning hit that fell between two fielders in right field during Yu Darvish’s near no-hitter from an error to a single. Just wondering, if it wasn’t a star like Big Papi, would MLB even have considered it?

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A girl escaped with scrapes and two little boys are in stable condition after wind gusts swept their inflatable bounce house into the air with them inside. Fortunately they fell out relatively quickly although the inflatable house eventually rose 50 feet and drifted several hundred yards before landing. Some will see this story and think “lawsuit”, others will think “how do I make a bounce house do that?”

 

Dallas sports anchor Dale Hansen is back. Not doing much for the Stone Age reputation of older white Southern men: “When Sam was seen celebrating with his family — and boyfriend — the world apparently shook, we almost collided with the sun, and yet SOMEHOW, we have survived another day.”–

 

 

The Missouri legislature just passed legislation requiring women to wait 72 hours to have an abortion. If they really wanted to stop abortion maybe all these mostly male legislators could pass a law making men wait 72 hours to have sex.

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Donald Sterling now says if he can keep the Clippers he won’t have to worry about an NBA players boycott. He really thinks the team will keep playing? Heck, looks like they quit already with a minute left in game five.

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Ben Sasse, who just won the GOP Primary to run for U.S. Senator from Nebraska, says on his website “Government cannot force citizens to violate their religious beliefs under any circumstances. He will fight for the right of all Americans to act in accordance with their conscience.” Let me guess, in all his time at Harvard and Yale, one class Sasse never took was “Comparative Religions?”

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Leland Yee is still on the ballot as running for California Secretary of State. And no doubt more than a few Californians will say “Hey, I know that name from somewhere,” and vote for him.

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The Pac-12 is set to announce that it will move their league championship football game to the 49ers’ new Santa Clara facility. Well, this will guarantee fans at Levi’s stadium the ability to see top college-level talent this year, other than the Redskins in November.

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Do you feel a draft?

May 8, 2014

The NFL Draft coverage almost, repeat almost, made me feel sorry for Johnny Manziel.

 

And now the question of the night regarding Johnny Manziel. Is there anywhere to get into trouble in Cleveland?

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The Houston Texans drafted Jadeveon Clowney #1 Could be a good fit. Texas doesn’t really have a speed limit. #NFLDraft

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All these coaches and GMs post-draft.  “We got the player we valued/wanted…”  As if any of them will say “Actually the guy we really bleeping wanted was taken just before our pick but we did the best we could….

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From Bill Littlejohn   “Three players from Texas A&M were drafted in the first round.So Aggie recruiters should have plenty of salary cap room for the next class”

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A Seattle radio station will now start referring to the Santa Clara 49ers. Assume they will also refer to the East Rutherford Jets and Giants, and the Arlington Cowboys?

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Charles Krauthammer said climate change is a “superstition,” and dismissed the scientific consensus – “I’m not impressed by numbers.” Ah yeah, math, along with science, one of those commie pinko concepts.

(My friend Jon N. adds, “Unless he agrees with the numbers, in which case they’re irrefutable.)

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In the Single A Midwest League, the Burlington Bees were leading the Clinton LumberKings after five innings. Clinton won 20-17 in 12. On a brighter note assume some of those Burlington relievers have already been offered jobs in the Mets bullpen.

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Crooks are stupid item of the day: An Oregon bank robber was arrested after police traced him from the note he had written on the back of a grocery receipt, which had four digits of his food stamp account on it. Well, the guy will be off food stamps, but still living off government funds for a while…

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President Obama on a trip to Silicon Valley has one event at…. Walmart? Maybe it’s just a plot to make heads at Fox News explode.

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Lee Marshall, one of the voices of Tony the Tiger, has died at the age of 64. So assume somewhere near the pearly gates St. Peter is practicing his “GRRRR-EAT to see you?”

 

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A bill to require anti-theft “kill switches” on cellphones sold in California just passed the state Senate. Of course, a sure anti-theft precaution remains “Carry a Blackberry.” (No one but us dinosaurs want them )

 

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So the Republicans want to have yet another committee investigate Benghazi. While we’re on the subject of past American deaths, how about convening something to investigate what happened to all those 2001 CIA warnings in 2001 including the memo saying “Bin Laden determined to strike in United States.”?

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In California, a former Assemblywoman named Mary Hiyashi is running for State Senate, although she is still on probation after pleading no contest to shoplifting $2400 worth of clothes in 2011. Well, maybe there’s something to getting your convictions out of the way BEFORE being elected.

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Richard Sherman says he doesn’t think NFL commissioner Roger Goodell would have banned an owner for the kind of comments Donald Sterling made. But hey, Goodell surely would have been sure to fine the Clippers for their inside-out uniform violation.

 

In a newly released audio recording, Donald Sterling is heard yelling “You know I’m not a racist!” to an unidentified listener. Wonder how much he had to pay last week to find someone to make the tape?

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Old dog, stupid new tricks

May 2, 2014

Who says an old man can’t have a learning experience. Donald Sterling, speaking to an interviewer about the V. Stiviano tapes: “I wish I had just paid her off.”

 

 

 

Ben Affleck has apparently been banned from playing blackjack at the Hard Rock Casino because he was “too good at the game.” Well a guy’s got to be good at something….

 

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There will be 124 FBS (Division 1) college football teams in 2014. There will be 38 bowl games not counting the championship. So 76 teams will have to be chosen, and UNLV, Idaho and Penn State are ineligible….. But bank on it. some coach will whine in December that his team was overlooked.

 

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My friend Darren wanted a punchline on this “49ers exercise fifth year option on Aldon Smith per league source”

Okay,  So, what’s the difference between a troubled young man and a thug?   Talent.

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There were injuries but fortunately no fatalities today when a NY Subway train derailed today in Queens. New Yorkers were stunned, normally the only train wreck in May is the Mets.

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Sometimes no punchline can top real life: V. Stiviano’s lawyer Siamak Nehoray, on his “devastated” client. “She’s a young girl thrown in the middle of this thing, unwillingly…” Stiviano is 31.

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Here’s a serious thought on Donald Sterling. Yes, the privacy issues with the leaked tape are disturbing. But it wasn’t as if his comments seemed like an out-of-control drunken rant, or as if he had been a model citizen before. Basically Sterling has been a bad actor for years, and the NBA has just looked the other way. His taped remarks weren’t the cause of him being banned for life, they were the catalyst IMHO.

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Bruins president Cam Neely denounced fans who attacked the Canadiens’ P.K. Subban, who is black, with racial slurs on social media after Subban scored the game winning goal for Montreal over Boston last night. In related news, Donald Sterling called the Bruins to inquired about rink-side tickets.

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From T.C.  ” Ad we’d like to see:  Hey PK Subban, you just scored the winning goal of game one in double OT vs Boston – what are you going to do next? “I’m going to a LA Clippers game!!!!!”

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A 16 year old Florida girl, looking for sympathy after a breakup with her boyfriend, pretended she was kidnapped and set off an Amber Alert with a several hour search. Well, that should certainly help her future dating life, as what boy doesn’t want a girl who’s bat sh*t crazy?

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Stanford coach David Shaw, complaining about the SEC’s football schedule only having eight conference games, as opposed to most conferences who play nine. “If we’re all going to be in the same playoffs, we need to play by the same rules” And down in the SEC they’re just giggling

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Bus to hell time.   “The NY Post is reporting that Donald Sterling has cancer. “What a shame,” said nobody.”

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Games People Play

April 28, 2014

The X Games Austin this June will now feature a “Call to Duty” tournament. What’s next, MLG (Major League Gaming) in the Olympics?

 

The “Kissing Congressman,” Vince McAllister, who campaigned on Christian values and was caught on tape with a staffer, says he will not seek re-election. Guess McAllister wants to spend more time lying to his family.

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The SEC, saying they want to improve strength of schedule, will start in 2016 to require that all football teams schedule at least one ACC, Big 12, Big 10 or Pac 12 team per season. That stampeding sound you hear is all the SEC AD’s rushing to call Cal.

 

A ESPN report citing Jim Nantz says that the Dallas Cowboys “will do whatever it takes” to get Johnny Manziel. Because there are still people outside of North Texas who don’t already hate the Cowboys?

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In South Korean, three people have been arrested on suspicion of destroying evidence connected to the ferry sinking. These people almost make the captain of Costa Concordia look decent by comparison.

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Paul Simon and his wife, Edie Brickell, have been arrested on disorderly conduct charges. What were they doing, burning that bridge over troubled water

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I’m not even a Warriors fan – root more for the Spurs. But well played Dubs fans, well played.

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Warriors coach Mark Jackson says that fans should boycott game 5 in Los Angeles as a response to the comments made by Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Fair enough, but why didn’t he also suggest fans boycott game 4 in Oakland?

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Not sure in a community property state why Donald Sterling’s wife has stayed with him all these years, but now might be a good time to file for divorce. Especially if she can get an African-American judge.

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Yes, I believe in free speech. But even as big of an idiot as Donald Sterling should have known that with a woman you are basically buying, NOTHING is free.

 

If all these sponsors leaving the Clippers teach us anything it may be that the color that matters isn’t black or white, but green.

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If any other NBA owners have negative thoughts about minorities, including gays, probably not a good idea to share them in a conversation with your mistress.

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So has anyone asked the #DuckDynasty clan what they think of #DonaldSterling?

 

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Marc Ragovin wonders if “it’s time for Donald Sterling to take up cattle ranching?”

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#DonaldSterling may have saved the #Pacers from being the most embarrassing story of these NBA playoffs.

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All that glitters is not Sterling.

April 28, 2014

 

Leaving the racism aside, Donald Sterling also appears to be an incredible misogynist. Wouldn’t you think a beautiful woman who wants to be a temporary rich man’s mistress can find someone who’s a bit less of an a**hole?

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It will may only last as long as this playoff series but the Golden State Warriors have to thank #DonaldSterling for temporarily making them America’s Team.

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As much as other professional sports team owners are decrying the comments of the NBA’s Donald Sterling, have to wonder how many of them are hoping no one has tapes of THEIR phone conversations?

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As #DonaldSterling story completely dominates the media, have to wonder who leaked the tapes? #ClivenBundy?

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So the NAACP was going to give Donald Sterling a lifetime achievement award? What’s next? The NCAA planning to honor John Calipari for his commitment to student athletes?

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Hardest thing for the GOP in dealing with Donald Sterling’s comments other than dealing with the fraction of their constituents who agree with him, is trying to figure out how to spin that President Obama’s response is wrong.

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Sarah Palin, speaking at an NRA convention, said that gun-free zones are “stupid on steroids.” Thereby challenging all those who thought if there was anyone who should be an expert on “stupid on steroids…”

 

 

During Sarah Palin’s NRA speech she complained that the “Obama administration wants you ID’d” for having a gun. Okay, I guess being ID’ed should be reserved for truly dangerous things, like voting.

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Got to love United Airlines, sending a message at 632p saying that a 629p flight has been delayed at least an hour but “please be at gate for boarding PRIOR to the original scheduled departure time as the departure time could be revised again.” Uh, not exactly.

(And then sending the SAME, be at the gate before the originally scheduled 629p flight boarding time, at 730p…)

 

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NBC is adding Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski to next week’s Kentucky Derby telecast as fashion correspondents. Thereby making the most asked question after “Who will win?” “What will Johnny wear?”

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The San Jose Sharks, originally up 3-0 in their series with the L.A. Kings, are now up 3-2 and reeling. Isn’t it kind of early for the team to be in late-round playoff form.

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A Phoenix man was arrested for using Craigslist to find sex with a horse. Really? Craigslist? Isn’t there an app for that?

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New NFL director of football operations Troy Vincent says he can see the NFL adding a developmental league. Don’t they already have that? It’s called the SEC.

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