Posted tagged ‘draft jokes’

Getting away with murder?

April 29, 2016

Former NFL star Ray Lewis’s son has been arrested for sexual assault. Can’t imagine how the young man grew up thinking he could get away with a serious crime.

Leremy Tunsil’s draft night nightmare is over, as he was finally picked by the Miami Dolphins. But it does remind many of us old farts again, how lucky we were not to grow up in a social media age.

In somewhat of a surprise move, the Cleveland Browns drafted USC QB Cody Kessler. Well, makes sense. Both the Browns and Trojans quarterbacks have had such impressive results in the NFL…. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Dee Gordon suspended 80 games for PEDS. So much for all those Bonds-bashers who “knew” he was dirty because of his size.

#‎LukeWalton‬ is going to be new coach of ‪#‎Lakers‬. Presume good $$ Well, at least he won’t have to deal with all this playoff pressure.

 

#‎LukeWalton‬, 36, is new ‪#‎Lakers‬ coach. Well, Luke was at that awkward age, too old to still be an assistant, too young to play for ‪#‎Spurs‬

A New York pizzeria has introduces a pizza box made out of pizza, with a second pizza inside. Now THIS is a challenge for Pizza Rat.

 

A new ad in California goes after Cruz and Trump for being dangerous on climate change. Fine, except most potential Cruz and Trump voters don’t believe in climate change.

John Boehner called Ted Cruz a “miserable son of a bitch” and “Lucifer.” Can just imagine what Boehner would say if he had a chance to get to know Carly Fiorina.

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Loved the Kevin Costner movie “Draft Day,” though it was no doubt unrealistic. On the other hand, if someone had submitted a script including this Laremy Tunsil story….it would have been rejected as completely unbelievable.

Roger Goodell on radio with Mike and Mike this morning on ESPN about the Tunsil situation. “I think it’s all part of what makes the draft so exciting.” Is the NFL commissioner trying to so be likable that Ted Cruz wants him on his campaign team?

Apparently protestors surrounded the hotel near San Francisco Airport where Donald Trump is speaking and disrupting traffic. Because making people miss planes is always a good way to get them on your side.

 

Poor Marissa Mayer. The Yahoo GEO got a $6 million pay cut last year. Although she still made $36 million. Sounds like Mayer is right on track to be fired and then run for office touting her Silicon Valley record of achievement.

from Marc Ragovin  “After being slammed for calling a basketball hoop a “ring,” Ted Cruz said he would atone his mistake the way people do in his birth country, by spending two minutes in the penalty crate.”

 

As Dee Gordon’s suspension puts the shadow of steroids on baseball again, can we have a moment of reality? The difference between AAA ball, where a player probably won’t make $50k, and major league minimum of about $500,000, is huge. And that’s not even talking about the veteran multi-million dollar contracts.
So let’s see, a whole lot of scientists trying to make undetectable PEDs for the big bucks, and drug testers who probably make closer to minor league money. Who would you bet on?

American heroes and zeroes.

April 30, 2015

England is all abuzz waiting for William and Kate’s second baby, which may be overdue. Americans don’t get why Brits care so much about a Royal Family. As opposed to more important things like whether Hillary can beat Jeb?

Marcus Mariota watched the NFL draft from his home in Hawaii instead of going to Chicago. Wonder how many will criticize the decision and say the QB at least should have been watching from somewhere in the U.S.

 

 

For their 1st round pick in the NFL draft, the Denver Broncos drafted DE Shane Ray, who is already enrolled in the league’s substance abuse program after being cited this week for marijuana. Well, not sure if Ray will be a starter this year, but he’s already well on his way to some potential endorsement deals in Colorado.

Stanford’s OT ‪#‎AndrusPeat‬ to the ‪#‎Saints‬. Talented AND smart. Somewhere ‪#‎DrewBrees‬ is smiling.

 

Have to wonder with  NFL draft starting Thursday night, now agents have locked their clients in a room since say, Monday, to make sure they didn’t get in trouble?

#‎JameisWinston‬ #1 to ‪#‎TampaBay‬ in the ‪#‎NFLDraft‬. Makes sense, at least Winston already has good relations with Florida cops.

And so now as we head to round two of the ‪#‎NFLDraft‬, many questions remain. Such as, “which QB will the ‪#‎NYJets‬ make a mistake with this year?”

The Oakland As are not off to a great start this year. If the team doesn’t look out they won’t have anyone to trade away at the deadline.

So Billy Donovan is leaving Florida for the Oklahoma City Thunder. Makes sense, these days being in the NBA gives you more years to coach college-age players.

Judith Miller on “The Daily Show,” defending her stories about WMD’s in Iraq. “Everyone got it wrong.” Uh, not exactly “everyone.” ‪#‎whatstoopainfultoremember‬

The Kentucky Derby favorite is “American Pharoah”   Wonder how many Americans think that is yet another nickname for Obama.

Meanwhile, Gary Stevens, 52,  will ride “Firing Line.”    So will Stevens’ game plan be to scream  at the other jockeys “You punks get off my racetrack”?

A 45 year-old-man escaped with only minor injuries when he was pulling up his pants in a Chick-fil-A bathroom and accidentally shot his own leg with his Glock pistol. This happened in Hamilton, Ohio. Okay, Florida, catch up.

Blake Lively, quoted in UK magazine “Stylist” “I have a dream to go to Harvard Business School, and one of these days I will do that… in my spare time.” Uh, so is Blake angling for a movie contract – “Corporately Blonde?

In Oklahoma, during a debate about giving state supreme court justices a raise, Rep. Kevin Calvey argued that the court was not sufficiently anti-abortion, and stated “If I were not a Christian, and didn’t have a prohibition against suicide, I’d walk across the street and douse myself in gasoline and set myself on fire. To protest the evil that is going on over there, killing, giving the death penalty, to the will of the people and the will of this body and protecting the least among us.”

Well, in the name of consistency I say it’s his body and Calvey should be able to do what he wants with it. ‪#‎anybodygotamatch‬?

 

From T.C.  “Seahawks QB Russell Wilson upgraded a US Army passenger on an Alaska Airlines flight to 1st Class from Economy. Best part of this story was that he “handed” the serviceman the ticket.”

On the clock

April 27, 2013

Former Oregon coach Chip Kelly drafted former Stanford star Zach Ertz. Guess Kelly always wanted to know what it was like to coach a student-athlete.

LSU CB Tharold Simon, projected to be drafted Friday, was arrested last night in his Louisiana hometown on charges of threatening a police officer, public intimidation and noise violation. So was this Simon’s last ditch effort to be drafted by the Bengals?

(Simon update,  not drafted yet at time of posting.  Maybe better to save your arrests until you actually are part of the NFL?)

As of Friday night, is Matt Barkley looking into whether or not he has another year of eligibility at #USC?

From Alex Kaseberg:  The San Diego Chargers selected Manti Te’o. Or is it just somebody on twitter and Facebook pretending to be the San Diego Chargers?

(At least T’eo didn’t get drafted by the NY Jets. Who these days are pretending to be a professional football team.)

And with Manti T’eo to the San Diego Chargers, expect opposing stadiums to cue the “California Dreaming” music.

A U.S. brother and sister are recovering after a 14-hour swim to safety in St. Lucia when their boat sank during a fishing excursion. The pair are thinking it could have been worse – at least they hadn’t booked a Carnival Cruise.

Gwyneth Paltrow told Ellen Degeneres that she was “humiliated” by a see-through dress she wore to the Premiere of Iron Man. Here’s a hint Gwyneth, it IS possible to try clothes on in front of a mirror.

Coach Rick Pitino had to get a tattoo after he promised to get inked if his Louisvlle Cardinals won the National Championship. Well, at least that’s one worry no one ever has managing the Chicago Cubs.

Los Angeles #Lakers against the San Antonio #Spurs. As far as Jack Nicholson is concerned, it’s Too Few Good Men.

Air traffic delays fixed. Now if we could figure out a way to REALLY make the sequester hurt members of Congress we’d have the whole budget settled in a week.

(My friend Keith Odgen suggests furloughing their staff.)

The sequester continues, but Congress managed to fix the furloughs that involved air travel. Which is good news for travelers. And bad news for airlines who are losing a major excuse for delays.

 

So much yellow at Oracle Arena for the Denver Nuggets-Golden State Warriors game last night – almost as if the Oregon Duck exploded.

So Lindsey Graham is now trying to blame the Boston bombings on Obama by saying the suspects should have been under closer surveillance. Considering that the FBI Watch List has about 500,000 people on it, would Senator Graham like to discuss 1- How that’s logistically possible? 2- How are we going to pay for it?

Does Beer Improve With Age?

April 28, 2012

Snooki has said pregnancy has made her “a little more mature.” Well, hard to see how it could have made her a little less mature.

At Coors Field in Denver Friday night,  Rockies 13, Mets 6, going to the bottom of the fifth. With a final score of 18 to 9.  Anyone send out a call for a humidor repairman?

Coby Fleener to Indy to join his buddy Andrew Luck. Hope Colts fans are ready to sing along to “All Right Now.

Joe Biden joked to the audience at a fundraising breakfast this morning that they were “dull as hell” and “the dullest audience i have ever spoken to.” Well, yeah, how dull do you have to be to find the idea of listening to Biden speak at breakfast interesting?

Well, at least Joe Biden didn’t say President Obama had a little stick.

 

The California parents who are suing their son’s school for kicking him out of a honors English class for cheating claim it might keep him out of an Ivy League college. If not, the notoriety the family is getting might take care of that anyway.


The Golden State Warriors won their coin toss with the Toronto Raptors. So they now have a 72.4% chance of making another bad choice with a lottery pick.

 

A photo currently going around the internet purports to be a naked Kim Kardashian cooking eggs. Kim denies that the picture is actually her. Makes sense. Who’d imagine the woman can actually cook?


A prankster made a fake call to Rutgers WR Mohamed Sanu saying he was taken in the first round by the Cincinnati Bengals. Not sure if crueler to make Sanu believer he was a 1st-rounder, or to have him believe he was going to be a Bengal.

(And then Cincinnati actually drafted him in the third round.  Poor kid.  Of course maybe it beats New Jersey.

Dallas Cowboys first-round pick Morris Claiborne hads a reported score of 4 on the Wonderlic test, the lowest score in a decade. He said he “looked on the test and wasn’t nothing on the test that came with football, so I pretty much blew (it) off.” Well, with that kind of attitude he’ll fit in perfectly in Texas.

Added my friend Alex Kaseberg.”He scored so low (wait for it, wait for it) he was diagnosed with Mad Cowboy disease. Boooooooooon shang.”

 

Rick Perry is now endorsing Mitt Romney. Well, makes some sense. Perry never actually said he had anything against vultures.

 

Jackie Robinson would be appalled by Delmon Young.


Ted Nugent said that he would be “dead or in jail” by this time next year if Obama were re-elected. Now he’s “insulted” because commanders at Fort Knox cancelled his appearance at a concert. Yo, Ted, in many countries around the world, make that kind of comments about a leader, and you WILL be dead or in jail.

On the clock.

April 26, 2012

The NFL is thinking about suspending the Pro Bowl. “That’s such a shame,” said absolutely nobody.

Even though the NFL plans to suspend the Pro Bowl they intend to keep the balloting. So stars can get picked without actually really playing a game. Doesn’t sound much different than the status quo.

In one of the most anticlimactic announcements of the year, Andrew Luck was the #1 draft pick of the Indianapolis Colts. Asked today what his favorite part of college was, Luck responded “Beating Cal!” Go Cardinal.


The Ottawa Senators today became the last Canadian team eliminated from the NHL playoffs, thereby assuring that the 1992-93 Montreal Canadians remain the last Canadian team to win the Stanley Cup.

Canada in a two-decade hockey championship drought? This is like the U.S. having a two-decade drought in hot-dog eating.

Watching NFL draft and wondering how many of these guys will be taking a pay cut next year?

In Redwood City, California, the Daily News reports a 10th grader’s parents are suing the school district for kicking him out of an honors class for copying another kid’s homework They say his “due process rights were violated” because the school’s rules are “vague and contradictory.” Can’t imagine how the kid got that sense of entitlement.

Newly-acquired and highly-touted New York Yankees starter Michael Pineda is out for the year. The Yankees are reacting the same way many wealthy New York women might react to a broken Christian Louboutin heel – “Well that s*cks, but time to go shopping.”

Amongst other craziness tonight the Washington Generals, er, Wizards, beat the “Big Three”-less Heat by 34. And the Sacramento Kings beat the Kobe-less Lakers by 17. Proving again that the NBA should have offered these last games of the year at pre-season prices. Or lower.

Boy Scout officials in Ohio have removed a popular Tiger Scouts (1st graders) den mother because she is a lesbian. Parents are protesting. And really, if these idiots are that worried about abuse, wouldn’t a lesbian be the safest leader around small boys?

Not sure if the San Francisco Giants’ Aubrey Huff’s struggles on the field contributed to his going on the DL with an anxiety disorder. But on the bright side Huff has one more home run in 2012 than Aubert Pujols.

Former Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour is warning of a barrage of anti-Romney ads, saying ” Obama didn’t have to run a primary so he’s sitting on a stack of money so tall that a show dog couldn’t jump over it,” Well, especially a show dog who’s been cramped in a crate on a car roof so his legs are out of shape….

Newt Gingrich said today that his “campaign will go bye-bye.” The man is 68 years old and he says “Bye-bye?” Who does he think he is talking to, one of his soon to be ex-wives?

Bobby Valentine apparently started out with the wrong lineup for a game against the Twins, because he misread an iPhone app and thought a right-handed pitcher was a lefty. Sigh. There may not be beer in the Red Sox clubhouse, but sounds like Boston will be selling plenty in the stands.

A dispute between rival hot dog vendors in downtown Albuquerque resulted in one vendor running over another with his cart. Insert “size of weiners” joke here.

A stand-up president.

May 1, 2011

 President Obama told a number of self-deprecating jokes at the White House Correspondents dinner, including about his much-maligned use of a teleprompter. Although let’s be real, if Fox News covered George W. Bush using a teleprompter it would be to praise the President’s excellent reading skills.

The Correspondents dinner is one of the best-attended media events in Washington. Why, there were probably reporters there from over 100 publications Sarah Palin’s never read.

Text message tonight from Donald Trump to his staff – “find something to investigate about that little sh*t Seth Myers.” (Note to the Donald, at least try to fake being able to be the butt of jokes.)

American Airlines is bringing back Happy Hour in May, with discounted alcoholic beverages for flights departing between 5p and 559p. American says the promotion has been a success in the past, both last December for passengers and earlier this year when they offered it to pilots.

For casual baseball fans, if you’ve ever wondered what the term “effectively wild” meant, I give you these stats from today’s SF Giants 2-1 win over the Washington Nationals. Jonathan Sanchez walked or hit 7 of the first 10 batters he faced, Brian Wilson loaded the bases on two walks and a hit batter before ending the game on a strikeout.

And San Francisco won the game on a bases loaded walk. These days that’s a Giants offensive explosion.

Jim Harbaugh today on Alex Smith, the beleaguered quarterback he inherited as coach of the 49ers.“I strongly feel that Alex is going to be back here.” Guess Harbaugh really wants Andrew Luck with next year’s #1 draft pick.

Another post-wedding thought: Katherine Middleton’s genes will help. But the British coinage and stamps will also all be more attractive some day because Charles waited to marry Camilla until AFTER he had children.

And the wedding apparently cost about $82 million. For the boost to the British economy, in terms of tourism and all the crap, er, high class souvenirs, they are selling, this isn’t a bad deal. Much more effective use of money than invading other countries, IMHO.

Weddings etc.

April 28, 2011

Think positive guys, any woman who stays up to watch the wedding will probably be too tired to fight you for the remote this weekend.

So who’s advertising during the Royal Wedding? My guess is we’re not going to see a lot of beer commercials and ads for Cialis.

Kate Middleton has the added appeal for Royal Wedding watchers of being a “commoner.” But in actually, she is a very unusual  British young woman. For starters, she still has all her teeth.

This just in: Trump now demands proof that Obama’s mother did not take hospital workers hostage and order them to create a fake birth certificate.

And now that Donald Trump is “so proud” of himself with the Obama birth certificate issue, can he turn his powers to issues that are more important to a greater number of Americans? For example, why did Bud Selig have MLB take over the Dodgers but not the Mets?

Meanwhile, Frank McCourt is battling the MLB takeover, saying  “Nobody handed the Dodgers to me, and nobody’s going to take it away.”

Yep, based on the financial documents that are coming out, the McCourts stole the team fair and square.

Actually, maybe what McCourt should say is that his buying the Dodgers was at least as legitimate as Selig’s attempted oversight of Performance Enhancing Drugs.

Apple now admits to having a locator tracker in their software. Who knew? All we might have needed to do was to send Osama Bin Laden a free iPhone.

The Lakers finished off the Hornets tonight. But who’d a thunk that at the very least New Orleans would have outlasted the Knicks. (And almost outlasted the Spurs.)

Cam Newton #1. For the Panthers’ sake lets hope this doesn’t become a chapter in a book titled “Not-so-smart teams, Foolish choices.”

from my son Carey, Newton is about to sign his second pro contract,

Condoleezza Rice said today of Donald Rumsfeld that “he doesn’t know what he is talking about” and that “Don can be a grumpy guy.” Rumsfeld’s response? Well it might just be to quote Rice on George W. – that Bush’s “intelligence had simply failed to come across to the American people.”

David Letterman tonight criticized Donald Trump’s questions about how Obama got into Harvard, and how he wrote his book. “It smacks of racism,” says Letterman. “Smack?” More like a full-on punch to the head.

Teams are really desperate for QBs in this year’s NFL draft. How desperate? If Alex Smith was back in the draft he might even be a fourth or fifth rounder.

Draft days…

April 24, 2010

One of those “times have changed” thoughts: Amazing to think that anyone under 40 hears the phrase “chosen early in the draft” and thinks only that it can be a good thing.


There is at least one similarity, however, between the draft in the Vietnam war and the NFL draft. Anyone with a low draft number, or chosen by the Oakland Raiders is likely to have least entertained thoughts of heading to Canada.

Congratulations to Toby Gerhart of Stanford, who was just drafted in the second round by the Minnesota Vikings. SI.com thinks he will get 5-8 carries a game. Not counting the number of times he has to carry Brett Favre off the field.

Carlos Dunlap is a talented defensive end from the University of Florida with alleged attitude problems. He also was arrrested last fall for a DUI before he turned 21, right before the SEC championship.

Dunlap was drafted in the second round by Cincinnati. Guess the Bengals figure he’s already in what they consider NFL form.

A new law in Arizona requires police to question anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant. This means for safety reasons when they play the Diamondbacks this June, the New York Yankees will leave their pitching staff at home.


Seriously, so ANYONE they suspect might be an illegal immigrant. New slogan “Wear a maple leaf, go to jail.”

So the NCAA denied a football bowl application for the Cure Bowl in Orlando, which would have benefited the American Cancer Society, and Susan G. Komen for the Cure.

The NCAA did, however, approve the Pinstripe Bowl in Yankee Stadium. It’s heartwarming stories like these that make you wonder how student athletes can possibly leave school early for the money.

Amazing stat apropos of nothing. After four starts Tim Lincecum of the San Francisco Giants has as many RBI’s – three – as he has allowed runs all year.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney said in an interview with Dennis Miller that telling Senator Patrick Leahy to go “f—- yourself” was “the best thing I ever did.”

Well, let’s see, the Iraq war, authorizing torture, shooting his friend in the face, backing Halliburton, etc, etc.

Maybe considering Cheney’s other “accomplishments” as V.P., the comment MIGHT have been the best thing he ever did.

The NCAA and other amateurs…

April 23, 2010

The Oakland As hit into a triple play today. At least this offensive misfortune isn’t likely to happen to the SF Giants. You need two runners on base to hit into a triple play.

High school star Marquis Teague, ranked as the #2 high school prospect in the class of 2011, verbally committed to the University of Kentucky. And presumably to the NBA draft class of 2012.

Many Colorado sports fans can’t decide which is more disappointing – the Avalanche’s play in their 5-0 loss against the Sharks tonight, or the Broncos taking Tim Tebow in the first round?


Despite both Colt McCoy and Jimmy Clausen being available, the Minnesota Vikings passed on the opportunity to take a star quarterback in the first round. What a shame – either one of them could have understudied under Favre and taken over the offense when Brett finally retires in 5-10 years.

How bad has the SF Giants’ offense been in the past week? Put it this way, there was more scoring when guys who waited in line for hours for their copy of Avatar last night went out afterwards to hit the singles bars.


A hand-written witness’s account of the 1881 “Gunfight at the OK Corral” was just discovered in an Arizona court’s storage room. Along with some of the contents of the dead men’s pockets. Rumor has it the find included a priceless rookie card for Jamie Moyer.

Northwestern and Illinois will play a Big Ten football game at Wrigley Field on November 20. Chicago sports fans are thrilled. It will be the first time in recent memory a meaningful game will be played at Wrigley after Labor Day.

60 passengers aboard the Carnival Ecstasy suffered minor injuries when the ship suddenly listed to the right to avoid a partially submerged buoy. The ship’s crew said they couldn’t remember the ship tilting like that since the last time someone announced “free rum punch on deck on the starboard side.”

The NCAA men’s basketball tournament officially expanded from 65 to 68 teams. Which means that next March, we can count on several teams who consider themselves the 69th best team in the country to complain they were shafted by the committee.


The Pittsburgh Pirates lost a game to the Milwaukee Brewers Thursday 20-0. Yes, twenty to zero. Thereby assuring that for at least one day this month the most embarrassing sports story in town was not Ben Roethlisberger.

from my funny friend Jim Barach:

Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has been suspended by the NFL for six games for violating the league conduct policy.

After being accused of sexual assault by two women, Roethlisberger says he is just glad he didn’t shoot a dog.

In support of Arizona’s new immigration law, which will allow police officers to interrogate anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant, John McCain talked about “the drivers of cars with illegals intentionally causing accidents on the freeway.”


If causing accidents on the freeway is grounds for arrest and or deportation, can Florida and Arizona also extend that to cover “snowbirds?”


And so regarding this “anyone they suspect of being illegal” rule – hmm, so what does this mean for residents with British accents…

We’ll see how the new law is enforced. But if police officers choose to follow it tightly, future interleague games may see the Yankees pitching staff opt out en masse.