Posted tagged ‘Royal wedding jokes’

Shark attack – or attacked?

May 12, 2011

Not saying the San Jose Sharks may be on the verge of an epic collapse, going to a game seven against the Red Wings after leading 3 games to 0. But there has been talk of renaming HP Pavilion, aka “the Shark Tank,” to “The Friendly Confines.”

In game seven the Sharks will try something different than games four through six:  trying not to skate with their hands wrapped around their own necks.

Meanwhile in the NBA playoffs, the Miami Heat finished off the Boston Celtics.  Which for much of America meant the “team you now love to heat” beating a “team you’ve disliked for years.”

Or political version of the above joke – the Heat-Celtics series had as much appeal for many Americans as say, a Trump-Gingrich debate would have for Democrats.  An interesting spectacle to be sure, but hard to really care about the winner.

And in Oklahoma City, the Thunder took a  3-2 lead on the Memphis Grizzlies.  Fans in Oklahoma are starting to get into this hockey stuff.  Some of them have now even figured out the difference between a goal and a field goal.

Whitney Houston, now in rehab, was apparently banned from Prince concerts after she repeatedly showed up and appeared to be ‘intoxicated.’ Whitney, did, however, receive an invitation from Charlie Sheen to become one of his goddesses.

Sarah Ferguson told Oprah it was “difficult” to be snubbed and not to be invited to the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Especially since she had already made a deal to sell some wedding family pictures.

Donald Trump in a Rolling Stone interview said he washes his hair with “Head and Shoulders” shampoo. Interesting, I never knew “Head and Shoulders” was appropriate for washing small animals.

Former Carolina Panthers tackle Brenston Buckner has a suggestion for Brett Favre – to mentor rookie quarterback Cam Newton before the season (theoretically) opens in September. Only one problem, it would probably take Favre at least until November to decide when and where he and Cam should meet.

The San Francisco Giants have won five games in a row, but four by only one run. Good thing this isn’t volleyball or tennis.

Apparently Osama bin Laden’s relatives are not convinced and want proof he is dead. The statement was released on behalf of the family by Omar aka “The Donald” bin Laden.

A USA Today story says that aviation experts have no explanation for the recent ‘outbreak of insanity’ with unruly passengers on board planes. Uh, have any of these experts been crammed in the back of coach on a full plane with no food and screaming babies lately? Enough to drive even some previously sane people crazy.

Bud Selig, on top of things as usual: He appointed former Padres president Dick Freeman to assist new Dodgers trustee Tom Schieffer. Then MLB rescinded the appointment hours later. Apparently Freeman advised Frank McCourt’s ex-wife Jamie last year, during her divorce proceedings against Dodgers owner Frank McCourt.

A Hasidic newspaper is being justifiably criticized for photoshopping a War Room photo. So it appeared as if Hillary Clinton didn’t exist. Just like President Bill Clinton acted whenever he met a new woman.

Gary Morton’s comment about Tiger Woods’ fall from the top rankings – “I thought Tiger retired to stud at 34.”

Front page news

May 4, 2011

 

Just a couple days ago, pundits were wondering if the world media was so focused on the royal newlyweds that they would have to live out their first weeks of marriage on the front page.

So to President Obama, William and Kate send the message “Well handled, sir. Well handled.”

Former president George W. Bush declined an invitation from President Barack Obama to attend an observance at New York’s ground zero. “I’ll come, I’ll come.” said Rudy Guiliani.

This may only make sense to Giants fans, but…. So since they buried Osama Bin Laden at sea after they shot him, does it count as a Splash Hit?

Meanwhile, former Giants minor leaguer Francisco Liriano just threw a no-hitter. A 1-0 win for the Twins. Probably just as well San Francisco traded him. The way things are going these days Liriano would have had a nine inning no-decision.

The Oakland A’s stadium is now known as “Overstock.com” stadium, after the online seller of surplus merchandise bought the naming rights. Considering there were about 9,000 fans in the stands yesterday for an afternoon day game, it’s time for Overstock.com to start selling A’s tickets.

Rumor this morning – Brian Sabean asked the Navy Seals if they would consider trying to help revive the Giants’ bats. The Seals commander said they try to stay away from impossible missions.

Actually both the Giants and Mets were struggling offensively, but combined today for 10 runs in the first six innings, and chased both (number 5) starters. Proving, I suppose, that while good pitching will beat good hitting,  really bad pitching can’t even beat bad hitting.

Why workers go postal. Overheard this morning in the local post office. Woman (loudly) “I asked for the largest flat rate priority mail box.” Clerk, (nicely)  “Mam, that is the largest box we have.” Woman (indignantly) “Are you sure? It looks MUCH larger in the poster.”

Michele Bachman is now laughing off the mistake she made by saying the Revolutionary War started in Lexington, New Hamphire, by saying “I promised I would never again use President Obama’s teleprompter.” Note to Michele, President Obama not only might catch such a mistake, but also his staff has been known actually to fact-check before loading the teleprompter.

Trump cancelled an appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman, after he didn’t like a comment the host made. In a note to Letterman, Trump wrote he was “disappointed” in being called a racist, and added “In actuality there is nobody who is less of a racist than Donald Trump.” Wonder why the Donald didn’t say “there is also nobody who is less of an egoist than Donald Trump”?

If we had a parliamentary system of government, Prime Minister Obama would probably be calling for elections right now.

The wedding and other post-mortems.

April 30, 2011

After the Royal Wedding, many men thought Friday morning  – “What a waste of time for a televised non-event… especially when the clips will be available on line…, why would any woman have bothered to watch live? Meanwhile, what time is ESPN’s coverage of day 2 of the NFL draft?”

As they played “God save the Queen/King” wonder if William whispered to Kate “Honey, they’re playing our song,”

But on the occasion of William’s wedding the Spencer family wanted to make it clear they have no hard feelings towards Prince Charles. In fact when he entered Westminister Abbey with Camilla, Diana’s brother reportedly asked  Elton John to play a song – “The bitch is back.”

So what would have happened if this man was the presidential or vice-presidential nominee ? Just before he was born, his father sent his mother to California to give birth because, as he explained, “My father had a complex about not having been born in the United States.” The boy was raised in Mexico City, and grew up to be… New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson. (source Wikipedia)

Not a good time for the Braves. First pitching coach Roger McDowell went on a homophobic rant to fans before a game in San Francisco, now pitcher Derek Lowe has been charged with drunken driving. Last time Atlanta had a week this bad, Sherman was involved.

Yellowstone park rangers issued three tickets to people walking ON Old Faithful geyser this week, after the tourists were caught on a webcam. (Old Faithful itself erupts with 204 degree water, and there is only a thin crust of earth covering boiling hot water in many places.) Wonder what percentage of the ticket revenue goes into a fund to cover the costs of Darwin awards.

Donald Trump insisted, again, that the problem with oil prices is that we don’t have a leader who will simply tell them “you are not going to raise the ‘bleeping’ price.” Strong words from someone who turned down an ownership opportunity because he didn’t even think he could fix the Mets.

MLB suspended White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen for two games because he argued balls and strikes and then complained about being ejected during the game. So I wonder, will his next tweet be a complaint about the fine?

Well,  as many would have predicted last December, the lowly Carolina Panthers got a Stanford star in the draft. It was, however, DT Sione Fua with the 97th pick.

And yes, it’s early in the season. But the Giants’ offense has been so hard to find in the last couple weeks that the teams’ batters may soon find their pictures on milk cartons.

The San Jose Sharks win 2-1 in overtime despite being out shot 46-25 by the Red Wings. If Paul the Octopus wasn’t dead, this just killed him.

Weddings etc.

April 28, 2011

Think positive guys, any woman who stays up to watch the wedding will probably be too tired to fight you for the remote this weekend.

So who’s advertising during the Royal Wedding? My guess is we’re not going to see a lot of beer commercials and ads for Cialis.

Kate Middleton has the added appeal for Royal Wedding watchers of being a “commoner.” But in actually, she is a very unusual  British young woman. For starters, she still has all her teeth.

This just in: Trump now demands proof that Obama’s mother did not take hospital workers hostage and order them to create a fake birth certificate.

And now that Donald Trump is “so proud” of himself with the Obama birth certificate issue, can he turn his powers to issues that are more important to a greater number of Americans? For example, why did Bud Selig have MLB take over the Dodgers but not the Mets?

Meanwhile, Frank McCourt is battling the MLB takeover, saying  “Nobody handed the Dodgers to me, and nobody’s going to take it away.”

Yep, based on the financial documents that are coming out, the McCourts stole the team fair and square.

Actually, maybe what McCourt should say is that his buying the Dodgers was at least as legitimate as Selig’s attempted oversight of Performance Enhancing Drugs.

Apple now admits to having a locator tracker in their software. Who knew? All we might have needed to do was to send Osama Bin Laden a free iPhone.

The Lakers finished off the Hornets tonight. But who’d a thunk that at the very least New Orleans would have outlasted the Knicks. (And almost outlasted the Spurs.)

Cam Newton #1. For the Panthers’ sake lets hope this doesn’t become a chapter in a book titled “Not-so-smart teams, Foolish choices.”

from my son Carey, Newton is about to sign his second pro contract,

Condoleezza Rice said today of Donald Rumsfeld that “he doesn’t know what he is talking about” and that “Don can be a grumpy guy.” Rumsfeld’s response? Well it might just be to quote Rice on George W. – that Bush’s “intelligence had simply failed to come across to the American people.”

David Letterman tonight criticized Donald Trump’s questions about how Obama got into Harvard, and how he wrote his book. “It smacks of racism,” says Letterman. “Smack?” More like a full-on punch to the head.

Teams are really desperate for QBs in this year’s NFL draft. How desperate? If Alex Smith was back in the draft he might even be a fourth or fifth rounder.

Lots of strikes and you’re out.

April 27, 2011

 

Lindsay Lohan said on the Tonight Show that her latest arrest was “definitely a wake-up call.” Yeah, but how many calls does it take? Think Lindsay needs to stop hitting the snooze button.

The University of Florida dismissed senior star cornerback Janoris Jenkins from the team, less than a week after his arrest for marijuana possession. Jenkins had also been arrested and was on probation for being caught smoking pot in January, 2011 Guess it’s true what they say about marijuana affecting short term memory.

Regarding the NFL owners pleading that they are losing money but refusing to open their books. This is kind of like one party in a divorce case telling his or her soon-to-be-ex-spouse, “This is all I can afford to pay, why can’t you just trust me?”

At this point, NFL players may be allowed back to their team facilities, but they won’t be allowed to work out. “Why couldn’t this happen when I played?” asked JaMarcus Russell?

An Alaska Airlines flight was evacuated last Friday afternoon at John Wayne Airport in California after a “suspicious powder” was found in a lavatory. Which turned out to be toilet paper remnants.. Other airlines have announced they may try to limit such threats by charging for toilet paper.

William and Catherine (Kate) are trying to semi-economize on this Royal Wedding. But they did turn down an offer from Prince Charles for some of the leftover items from his wedding to Camilla. Apparently the newlyweds will stick with the traditional rice to be tossed after the ceremony, instead of using hay.

Watching replays of  Darren Ford’s miracle run around the bases for the Giants tonight.  (Went from first to third on an errant throw, ran home on an easy grounder when the infielder didn’t look him back carefully enough.) 

Maybe they should change his name to Darren Ferrari.

So when Darren Ford was called up from Fresno to the Giants and told to get to San Francisco as soon as possible, I assume he ran the whole way?

On a wet Monday in Pittsburgh, about 2600 fans showed up to see the Pirates beat the Nationals. Or as former Montreal Expos fans called it – “a really big crowd.”

Sacramento representatives have made their final pitch to convince the league relocation committee that the city really wants and can support an NBA team. And failing that, they’d like to keep the Kings.

Katie Couric is stepping down as the anchor for CBS News. Well, she lasted longer at the helm than Sarah Palin.

Stocks closed at their highest levels in nearly three years thanks to stronger corporate earnings and a lift in consumer confidence. So how come none of the GOP Presidential contenders have tried to blame this on President Obama?

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus told reporters today that “birther” claims are a distraction from more important issues: “Trump and the candidates can talk about it all they want, but my position is that the president was born in the United States.” Translation – “This topic is making us look like a party of fruitcakes.”

Happy half-price chocolate bunny day.

April 26, 2011

I don’t believe in conspiracy theories, but it is a nice coincidence for dentists this year that Easter comes almost exactly six months after Halloween.

And today is Easter Monday. Second only to the day after Halloween as “Half-price candy day.”

In Mexico, the day after Halloween is known as “Day of the Dead.”  Which in the U.S. only describes the way many people feel after overdosing on chocolate bunnies and jelly bean eggs.

In Philly, Easter 2011 may be remembered as the day, however briefly, that the 76ers rose from the dead.

Former Pennsylvania Senator and current Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum is now calling his vote to create the Medicare prescription drug benefit “a mistake.” Which is exactly what many Pennsylvanians, including Republicans,  are calling their previous votes for Rick Santorum.

For my hockey fan friends: A 3-0 lead turned into a 3-3 tie with game 7 coming up. The Vancouver Canucks are about to answer the question “What’s the difference between them and the Maple Leafs?” with “A little more than a week.”

Meanwhile, in the NBA, the series is tied 2-2, and the odds still favor Los Angeles. But if New Orleans somehow pulls off this first round upset, the Lakers can add May to the list of months (currently October-April) where they haven’t bothered to show up.

And for any Northern California sports fans looking for a reason to root for the Hornets – New Orleans fans do a pretty good “Beat L.A” chant.

But, okay, who’d a thunk the Mets might have had more wins this week than the Rangers and Knicks put together?

All you folks complaining about the hoopla surrounding the marriage of Prince William and Catherine Middleton, cut the English and Anglophiles some slack. After all, years from now this will probably go down in history as the first wedding to involve a Queen of England since Sir Elton John tied the knot with David Furnish.

Weighty matters.

February 22, 2011

Rush Limbaugh has now decided to take on Michelle Obama’s appearance, saying the First Lady would never be in Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue. With all due respect, the only way Rush himself would be pictured in that issue would be as a buoy.

Carmelo Anthony has apparently been traded to the Knicks. Well, this could work out well. If Anthony moves to New York he’ll be closer to the major networks when it comes time to be a commentator for the later rounds of the NBA playoffs.

The NFL owner and players association are having long secret talks. One lawyer described the proceedings as “We’re in a cone of silence.” Suppose it’s too much to hope for that both sides would “Get Smart.”

Fans are still buzzing over Blake Griffin’s “car dunk” during the NBA All-Star slam-dunk competition. It might have been the biggest dunk ever over a large inanimate object, well not involving Shaq.

Today will mark five YEARS since Supreme Court Judge Clarence Thomas has spoken during oral arguments. I guess he paid attention to that old Lincoln quote, “Better to keep silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

A Florida mother ignited a controversy by having her teenage son stand on a street corner with a sign advertising his 1.22 GPA. The boy is particularly upset because he doesn’t want the school’s football players thinking that he’s a braggart and a nerd.

Three of the Monkees are getting together for a 45th reunion tour.  Which no doubt will feature their hit – “I’m a believer.”   Excpet that now it’s “I’m a believer if i could just remember what I believe.”

More music from Bill Littlejohn:  The Hollies are releasing a song about the 1,255-pound Yankees rotation–‘He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Starter'”

And from my friend Jim Barach:  Prince William and Kate Middleton sent out invitations to 1,900 guests for their upcoming Royal Wedding. Word is that Sarah Ferguson has already put hers up for sale on Ebay.

In England, a travel company is now giving tours of  Kate Middleton’s home town. They are doing so well the company is considering adding a tour of Camilla’s home stables.