Posted tagged ‘osama jokes’

Happy Mother’s Day!

May 8, 2011

Shouldn’t Mother’s Day be sponsored by the NBA? After all, the league is responsible for creating so many of them.

Justin Verlander, who just threw his second no-hitter, is only 28 years old. What’s he going to be like when he REALLY learns how to pitch?

(My friend Tony Alan Banks responds “A Yankee.”)

College and NBA basketball are a different world these days.  A couple factoids about league MVP Derrick Rose:

1.  If he had stayed in school, he’d have been a college senior at Memphis this year.

2. Although actually maybe he couldn’t have stayed in school, because an NCAA investigation determined someone took his SAT test for him. (And this was after some of his high school grades were changed after the fact.)

Home videos show that Osama bin Laden enjoyed watching television, and recently dyed his beard black in order to appear more menacing.  Apparently he got the the idea during the 2010 World Series.

Some analysts say gas prices will fall by nearly 50 cents as early as June. And major airlines say they will lower their fuel surcharges as early as hell freezing over.

Speaking of hell freezing over, a bill to end $6 billion in ethanol subsidies has been co-sponsored in the Senate by California’s Dianne Feinstein and Oklahoma’s Tom Coburn?! Politics does indeed make very strange bedfellows. (Metaphorically speaking in this case.)

Okay, can you name an athlete who still holds a speed record almost forty years after the fact? I know only one: Secretariat. 1973 Kentucky Derby – 1 minute, 59 and 2/5 seconds.

Rosie Napravnik, riding Pants on Fire, failed in her attempt to become the first female jockey to win the Kentucky Derby. Surprised no woman has won before. It’s only a mile and a quarter. There’s no need to stop and ask for directions.

The NCAA has announced they are looking into over 50 car sales to Ohio State student-athletes, to see if those sales met NCAA rules. 

Meanwhile, as part of his punishment for not turning his players in for receiving illegal benefits, Buckeyes coach Jim Tressel will attend a five-day compliance seminar in June in Tampa, Fla.. One of the seminar topics is “Division I Major Infractions.”

Attend the seminar?  Tressel could teach it.

Implausible deniability?

May 6, 2011

 Pakistan is sticking to their story that they had no idea where Bin Laden was staying. When told that this defied logic, they pointed out that the current U.S. Secretary of State said she had no idea that her husband was straying.

And in a sports-related vein,  Pakistan’s claim  makes about as much sense as Bud Selig’s claim that he and MLB officials had no idea about the steroid problem.

Los Angeles Lakers’ forward Ron Artest has been suspended from game three against the Mavericks for a flagrant foul on Dallas guard J.J. Barea. Wow, at this point that could be half the Lakers’ season.

Apparently Prince William and Kate will be visiting California in July. No word on their itinerary but surely they will visit San Francisco? The “City by the Bay” certainly knows how to appreciate a good queen.

The Pac 12’s new $3 billion contract with ESPN and Fox will mean a lot more Thursday and Friday night football games, never a favorite of coaches because of what they do to preparation and recovery time. Meanwhile we wonder how some of these kids get the idea it’s all about the money?

Donald Trump has announced he will no longer be driving the celebrity pace car in the Indianapolis 500 this year. Guess he can’t stand even the appearance anymore of turning to the left.

(Augie says the Donald dropped out because someone told him he’d have to wear a helmet and muss up his hair.)

Artest actually just won the NBA’s “J. Walter Kennedy Citizenship” Award last Tuesday.  So does his suspension mean the award will have an asterisk?

Actually Artest really in general does seem to have turned his life around, and has mostly been a model player who’s made service to the community a priority. (He even raffled off his 2010 championship ring to raise money for mental health charities.) 

But seriously, the NBA’s best citizen?  A few years ago that seemed as likely as Kobe Bryant getting an award as the league’s best husband.

A top ranked Washington Capitals were swept out of the NHL playoffs by the Tampa Bay Lightning. The GOP are trying to figure out if there’s a way to blame this on Obama.

President Obama yesterday wished all Americans a happy Cinco de Mayo. And Sarah Palin responded “Idiot. Had Obama grown up in the U.S. he would know; mayo doesn’t sink.  It floats. Mustard sinks.

Apparently George W. Bush, despite his invitation from President Obama, declined to attend today’s Ground Zero ceremony because he was feeling left out and not getting much credit. Of course, part of the problem is that Cheney made him feel the same way.

Front page news

May 4, 2011

 

Just a couple days ago, pundits were wondering if the world media was so focused on the royal newlyweds that they would have to live out their first weeks of marriage on the front page.

So to President Obama, William and Kate send the message “Well handled, sir. Well handled.”

Former president George W. Bush declined an invitation from President Barack Obama to attend an observance at New York’s ground zero. “I’ll come, I’ll come.” said Rudy Guiliani.

This may only make sense to Giants fans, but…. So since they buried Osama Bin Laden at sea after they shot him, does it count as a Splash Hit?

Meanwhile, former Giants minor leaguer Francisco Liriano just threw a no-hitter. A 1-0 win for the Twins. Probably just as well San Francisco traded him. The way things are going these days Liriano would have had a nine inning no-decision.

The Oakland A’s stadium is now known as “Overstock.com” stadium, after the online seller of surplus merchandise bought the naming rights. Considering there were about 9,000 fans in the stands yesterday for an afternoon day game, it’s time for Overstock.com to start selling A’s tickets.

Rumor this morning – Brian Sabean asked the Navy Seals if they would consider trying to help revive the Giants’ bats. The Seals commander said they try to stay away from impossible missions.

Actually both the Giants and Mets were struggling offensively, but combined today for 10 runs in the first six innings, and chased both (number 5) starters. Proving, I suppose, that while good pitching will beat good hitting,  really bad pitching can’t even beat bad hitting.

Why workers go postal. Overheard this morning in the local post office. Woman (loudly) “I asked for the largest flat rate priority mail box.” Clerk, (nicely)  “Mam, that is the largest box we have.” Woman (indignantly) “Are you sure? It looks MUCH larger in the poster.”

Michele Bachman is now laughing off the mistake she made by saying the Revolutionary War started in Lexington, New Hamphire, by saying “I promised I would never again use President Obama’s teleprompter.” Note to Michele, President Obama not only might catch such a mistake, but also his staff has been known actually to fact-check before loading the teleprompter.

Trump cancelled an appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman, after he didn’t like a comment the host made. In a note to Letterman, Trump wrote he was “disappointed” in being called a racist, and added “In actuality there is nobody who is less of a racist than Donald Trump.” Wonder why the Donald didn’t say “there is also nobody who is less of an egoist than Donald Trump”?

If we had a parliamentary system of government, Prime Minister Obama would probably be calling for elections right now.