Posted tagged ‘Charlie Sheen jokes’

Dude, where’s my rifle?

June 30, 2011

A good day for the “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up department.  In Seattle, police are investigating how an assault rifle was accidentally left on the trunk of a patrol car parked downtown.

Said a police spokesman on SeattlePI.com   “We’d really like to express our gratitude to the tipper who flagged down the bike officers  (and posted a picture online) and also a separate woman who alerted the driver of the patrol car that there was an unattended rifle on the car.”

No word yet as to whether or not the rifle was loaded. Does sort of put losing cellphones and umbrellas in perspective.

Another day, another upset at Wimbledon. Which would be more upsetting to American sports fans if there were any Americans left to upset.

Charlie Sheen now says he took steroids during the filming of “Major League” to get his fastball up to 85mph. Can you imagine if Tim Wakefield took steroids? His fastball might hit 50.

 

In California, controller John Chiang cut off lawmakers’ salaries last week until they came up with a balanced budget.  And lo and behold, after months of deliberation it took about six days until the Legislature finally passed such a budget.

Hmm. Wonder if we can loan Chiang for a week or two to Washington D.C?

Tiger Woods has apparently signed an endorsement deal with a Japanese company to promote a heat rub. Well, guess they figure based on the stories of the past couple years, Tiger’s an expert on heat and rubs.

Myspace put out a press release saying they had sold themselves to a company called “Specific Media” for $35 Million. This news came as a major shock to many Americans, who didn’t realize Myspace still existed.

Wonder if Myspace posted the announcement of their sale on Facebook?

Brad Womack, the most recent “Bachelor” and his fiancee Emily Maynard have broken up. “What a shame” said about ten million women and two men.

From Bill Littlejohn:  “Libya’s Moammar Gaddafi could fall within two to three months, the International Criminal Court’s prosecutor said on Tuesday.Longer, if a judge approves the leader’s deal with Fox”
 

A Toronto newspaper, the Sun, is reporting that by the time he died, John Lennon had become a Ronald Reagan fan and Republican.  Maybe that means Lennon  wrote that famous song for his vegetarian friend Paul McCartney, and the lyric really was “All we are saying, is give peas a chance.”

 

Commie pinko time:

Current taxes on the wealthiest Americans are lower than Clinton or even Reagan. But John Boehner stated after Obama’s news conference. “The president is sorely mistaken if he believes a bill to raise the debt ceiling and raise taxes would pass the House.” I think I’m turning into a bigot; at least as far as becoming prejudiced against orange people.

Shark attack – or attacked?

May 12, 2011

Not saying the San Jose Sharks may be on the verge of an epic collapse, going to a game seven against the Red Wings after leading 3 games to 0. But there has been talk of renaming HP Pavilion, aka “the Shark Tank,” to “The Friendly Confines.”

In game seven the Sharks will try something different than games four through six:  trying not to skate with their hands wrapped around their own necks.

Meanwhile in the NBA playoffs, the Miami Heat finished off the Boston Celtics.  Which for much of America meant the “team you now love to heat” beating a “team you’ve disliked for years.”

Or political version of the above joke – the Heat-Celtics series had as much appeal for many Americans as say, a Trump-Gingrich debate would have for Democrats.  An interesting spectacle to be sure, but hard to really care about the winner.

And in Oklahoma City, the Thunder took a  3-2 lead on the Memphis Grizzlies.  Fans in Oklahoma are starting to get into this hockey stuff.  Some of them have now even figured out the difference between a goal and a field goal.

Whitney Houston, now in rehab, was apparently banned from Prince concerts after she repeatedly showed up and appeared to be ‘intoxicated.’ Whitney, did, however, receive an invitation from Charlie Sheen to become one of his goddesses.

Sarah Ferguson told Oprah it was “difficult” to be snubbed and not to be invited to the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Especially since she had already made a deal to sell some wedding family pictures.

Donald Trump in a Rolling Stone interview said he washes his hair with “Head and Shoulders” shampoo. Interesting, I never knew “Head and Shoulders” was appropriate for washing small animals.

Former Carolina Panthers tackle Brenston Buckner has a suggestion for Brett Favre – to mentor rookie quarterback Cam Newton before the season (theoretically) opens in September. Only one problem, it would probably take Favre at least until November to decide when and where he and Cam should meet.

The San Francisco Giants have won five games in a row, but four by only one run. Good thing this isn’t volleyball or tennis.

Apparently Osama bin Laden’s relatives are not convinced and want proof he is dead. The statement was released on behalf of the family by Omar aka “The Donald” bin Laden.

A USA Today story says that aviation experts have no explanation for the recent ‘outbreak of insanity’ with unruly passengers on board planes. Uh, have any of these experts been crammed in the back of coach on a full plane with no food and screaming babies lately? Enough to drive even some previously sane people crazy.

Bud Selig, on top of things as usual: He appointed former Padres president Dick Freeman to assist new Dodgers trustee Tom Schieffer. Then MLB rescinded the appointment hours later. Apparently Freeman advised Frank McCourt’s ex-wife Jamie last year, during her divorce proceedings against Dodgers owner Frank McCourt.

A Hasidic newspaper is being justifiably criticized for photoshopping a War Room photo. So it appeared as if Hillary Clinton didn’t exist. Just like President Bill Clinton acted whenever he met a new woman.

Gary Morton’s comment about Tiger Woods’ fall from the top rankings – “I thought Tiger retired to stud at 34.”

And then there were eight.

March 26, 2011

 Headline from tonight’s NCAA Sweet Sixteen matchup?   “The Buckeyes Stop Here.”   

And yes, another #1 seed, Ohio State, goes down in the 2011 NCAA tournament. Bad news for collectors who were hoping to buy one of those championship rings.

After the loss, Ohio State’s freshman star Jared Sullinger said he would be returning for another season  – “I did make a decision and I’m definitely coming back next year. I need to work on a lot of things. I have to come back. I’m coming back to win.”

No mention in that statement of any secondary reasons to return to college for another year…. like going to class?

In college football sometimes for big games, they introduce players by their name and major.  Wonder if they stopped doing that in basketball because the number one answer was “Major?”

– 

Arizona 93 – Duke 77. Now, the Stanford Cardinal played the Wildcats twice this year. Losing once by 10 and once by 9. Guess this is the closest Stanford has been in a while to having bragging rights on Duke.

Tea Party Nation founder Judson Phillips reiterated a comment he made earlier this week in a Fox news interview, saying that “Charlie Sheen still makes more sense than John Boehner.” Actually I would argue Charlie Sheen makes more sense than a lot of people, including Judson Phillips.

The NCAA seeding committee is not happy losing three of their #1 teams before the “Elite Eight”  in the men’s tournament. Now that they’ve tweaked the number from 64 to 68, the next tweak for 2012 may be a “judge’s save.”

A Cleveland Browns fan is suing the NFL, claiming the lockout violates his contract to buy tickets through his personal seat license. Actually, it’s more surprising a Browns fan hasn’t sued before – in theory the PSLs was supposed to entitle them to buy tickets to watch professional football.

So Newt Gingrich said Obama should enforce a no-fly zone, but now that the President has joined the coalition doing just that, Newt has changed his mind and says the no-fly zone is a mistake. Makes sense on some level, Gringrich has always had trouble with decisions involving his own fly.

And in the “We thought only U.S. elected officials had trouble with their own language, I give you this picture, from BBC news of a road sign in Wales.

Apparently the local council in Swansea, mindful that the law in Wales requires all signs to be bilingual,  sent off the request to their translation service, and had the sign made with the reply.

Except that what the sign means in Welsh?    “I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated”.

Shocks and aftershocks.

March 11, 2011

On a serious if snide note – To all Tea Partiers and others who want to slash government spending absolutely to the bone:. How do you feel about cutting the USGS (United States Geological Survey) and FEMA budgets now?

(my sister, a seismologist, points out that if we were in a government shutdown, it would be illegal for any USGS employee to do any work or even talk to the media right now.)

And back to a semi-lighter note.  The Government of Japan has issued warnings for residents NOT to head to the coast to see the waves. Can we just give anyone who disobeys those orders a Darwin award right now? 

Think you’re feeling lonely today? Imagine being a Republican union member in Wisconsin.

House Speaker John Boehner said that the Obama administration is exacerbating rising energy costs. Tough words from a man who isn’t even willing to cut down on his own personal use of electricity with his tanning bed.

‎30 million votes for the first, relatively trivial, night of American Idol? Maybe the producers can adjust the show so that the final is in the fall – combining it with the general election might actually increase turnout.

The three officials who missed two major turnovers in the last seconds of the St. John’s-Rutgers game have voluntarily withdrawn from the remainder of the Big East tournament. Well, it’s not like they were doing anything anyway.

The Dalai Lama says he’s retiring. Responded Brett Favre “The first time is the hardest.”

Charlie Sheen thinks Rob Lowe would be a good replacement for him on “Two and a Half Men.” On the other hand, Muammar Qaddafi might soon be available.

David Brooks may have ignited a controversy by saying of Newt Gingrich “I wouldn’t let that guy run a 7-11, let alone the country.”  Brooks has already had a angry demand for an immediate apology, from 7-11.

AOL announced it will slash 900 jobs worldwide, or nearly 20 percent of its work force. This is shocking news, AOL still HAS a work force?

Huffington Post usually runs banner headlines on major corporate layoffs. So I’m sure it must be an oversight that they don’t have such a headline on AOL laying off 20 percent of its staff.

And they said it couldn’t be done. Tonight the Miami Heat had most of America rooting for…the Lakers!?

Ohio State officials, in a letter to the NCAA, said that they originally considered a stronger punishment for football coach Jim Tressel than just missing the Buckeyes’ first two games. But that might have violated the most important of the school’s rules – “Thou shalt win.”

Outside the lines:

March 10, 2011

Baylor’s freshman star basketball player Perry Jones was declared ineligible because his mother got (and repaid) three, 15-day loans from an AAU coach when Jones was in high school. So, see, the NCAA can actually enforce their own rules. As long as the team involved is not in the Top 25 or the SEC. (And isn’t the USC Trojans.)

Stanford’s mens basketball team was bounced from the Pac 10 tournament tonight, 69-67 by Oregon State. At one point in the first half the Cardinal was 3 for 30 from the field. With that kind of shooting skill I presume they got a half time congratulatory call from Dick Cheney.

Internships.com said Wednesday that 74,040 people have applied to Sheen’s internship position since he posted it Monday. No doubt about 74,039 already are fantasizing about the money they will make from the tell-all book they will write afterwards.

Lebron James was quoted as saying after Miami’s latest loss “Crazy thing is, we could lose every game and still make the playoffs in the Eastern Conference.” So is that the Heat’s secret plan?

Illinois has abolished the death penalty. Apparently they feel that just sentencing inmates to life without parole and watching Cubs games is punishment enough.

Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Zack Greinke will probably begin the season on the disabled list after breaking a rib in a collision going for the ball a pickup basketball game. We all know white men can’t jump. Sounds like they shouldn’t try to rebound either.

A Missouri high school teacher lost her job after it was discovered she was a porn star over two decades ago.  Yeah, with a scandalous past how was she thinking that she could get away with being a teacher?  Run for office on a GOP family values platform maybe.

Speaking of which, Newt Gingrich is now partly blaming the fact that he cheated on both of his first two wives, (and divorced them when they had cancer and MS respectively)  because he loved his country too much.

 “There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”

Kind of makes you wonder what would happen with that “passionate” caring  if Newt had a really stressful job, like being President?

 To paraphrase Madame Alvarez in the movie “Gigi” – this might be the LEAST “charming and endearing excuse for infidelity I have ever heard”

Herding cats.

March 3, 2011

 Tea  Party founder Judson Phillips is already saying that the party should make it a goal to defeat Speaker of the House John Boehner in the Republican primary, because Boehner is “only” calling for $61 billion in spending cuts, instead of the promised $100 billion. 

And somewhere, Nancy Pelosi is reading this story and giggling.

Actually, if Pelosi and Boehner end up agreeing on anything after their terms are up, it will be that after dealing with members of their own parties, herding cats will seem like a nice retirement option.

BYU star sophomore Brandon Davies was suspended from the basketball team indefnitely for getting his girlfriend pregnant. Well, that should silence all the doubters who wondered if Davies was NBA ready.

(Although as a friend pointed out, had he just married the gal in high school, no one would care how many kids he had.)

Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira has ended his relationship with longtime agent Scott Boras. So Teixeira clearly feels there are more important things in life than money. No word on when Yankees management plans to schedule him for a mental health test.

How bad is it getting for Charlie Sheen? A Los Angeles judge ordered late Tuesday that the actor’s twin nearly two-year old boys be removed from his Los Angeles home. Apparently the judge felt they needed to be with a more responsible adult, like Britney Spears.

As the Republican party rushes headlong to the extreme right, it’s becoming increasing clear that even George Bush, Sr, couldn’t get the GOP presidential nomination these days… Scary.

 –

Not to say Dancing with the Stars was scraping the bottom of the barrel for this season – but some of these “Stars” almost make Bristol Palin look accomplished.

 – 

 A bill passed in Texas would mean anyone who “intentionally, knowingly, or recklessly” hires an illegal immigrant could face up to 2 years in jail and a $10,000 fine. With one exception – anyone hiring for such an immigrant for  “labor or other work to be performed exclusively or primarily at a single-family residence.”

 Translation, y’all don’t expect us to mow our own lawns, clean our own homes or raise our own kids, do y’all?”

From new commenter  P. Coberly

Toyota is claiming that 80% of their vehicles sold in the last 20 years are still on the road. Do you think that would be the case if their accelerators were not stuck?

Chronic losers.

March 2, 2011

The Cubs have announced a search is on for the next public address announcer at Wrigley Field. The job has all kinds of great benefits. Including, of course, having every October off.

Some analysts say the NFL owners could survive up to a two-year lockout. But what about the fabric of American society? This could mean two years of fall Sundays where spouses would actually have to talk to each other.

Troy Murphy goes to the Celtics, Carmelo is with the Knicks, Bibby is heading to the Heat. This might be a high, or low, point for the most front page sports stories about the rich getting richer. Well, at least without the Yankees being involved. 

Elton John has disclosed that he and his partner did indeed receive an invitation to Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding.  Makes sense, what would a Royal Wedding be without England’s most famous queen?

The Golden State Warrors’ slim NBA playoff hopes seem to be slipping away. On the other hand, they might be playing well enough to receive an N.I.T invitation.

Celine Dion’s bodguard  Nikolaos Skokos, has been trying to get “Permanent resident” status in the U.S., based on his “superior” skills as a security consultant.   So far, the government has rejected his application.  But maybe we should make a deal, Skokos can stay, if he convinces his client to go back to Canada.

Charlie Sheen said in an interview this week that “you can’t process me with a normal brain.” This might be the only time all year that “Charlie Sheen” and “normal” appear in the same sentence.

The #3 ranked NCAA men’s basketball BYU Cougars dismissed star forward Brandon Davies from the team, citing a violation of the school’s honor code. This sort of thing doesn’t happen often for players at top 10 basketball schools; violating the honor code generally means actual classes are involved.

The NBA Nets, now owned by a Russian, with 2 games planned in London, say they want to become “the face of the league” outside the U.S. “Our goal is to globalize our business, to project ourselves in a global fashion,” said Nets CEO Brett Yormark. So we’re about to find out -in how many languages can fans yell “You suck?”

What is it with the GOP and geography? Mike Huckabee is questioning the President’s foreign policy because of his “having grown up in Kenya.” When asked, Huckabee’s PAC director Hogan Gidley said Mike had MEANT to reference Obama’s living in Indonesia from ages 5-10. Kenya, Indonesia, what’s the difference?

Charlie Sheen is now on Twitter and amassed over 150,000 followers in two hours. Is this a sign of the apochalypse, or just that despite our busy lives, Americans still have WAY too much time on our hands?

Actually, at this point isn’t “Charlie Sheen joke” redundant?

U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. Susan Rice said that Qaddafi “sounds, just frankly, delusional,” and is “unfit to lead.” Insert Sarah Palin joke here.

(and of course, no truth to the rumor that Qaddafi has been offered a starring role in “Two and a Half Men.”

From Nick Coombs:

Embattled Bangals QB Carson Palmer announced today that he has, “money in the bank” and would “play for the love of the game” as long as its elsewhere. Glad to hear he saved all the money he earned playing at USC.