Posted tagged ‘Paterno jokes’

A horse is a horse, of course of course…

May 5, 2016

An 8-1 shot in the ‪#‎KentuckyDerby‬ is a horse named “‪#‎Exaggerator‬ .” Waiting for ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ to sue for copyright infringement.

The next GOP primary is in Nebraska. With Ted Cruz having dropped out at least Carly Fiorina doesn’t have to spend time researching a horse that comes from the Cornhusker state, so she can say she’s rooting for him in the Kentucky Derby.

 

SF Giants reliever Vin Mazzaro May 2, 2 outs, 1 hit, 0 earned runs and a win relieving Johnny Cueto.  May 5,   relieving Matt Cain, Mazzaro got  1 out, with six hits and 9 earned runs ‪#‎Baseballisacruelgame‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

 

 

With each pitch ‪#‎timlincecum‬‘s asking price is going up. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

The Dodgers have suspended SS Erisbel Arruebarrena for the remainder of the season “for his repeated failure to comply with the terms of his contract.” Well, that and for hitting .182. ‪#‎teamsdontsuspendsuperstars‬

Apparently some Hawks players were upset that the Cavaliers, including bench players, kept shooting 3-point shots to set the all-time NBA record last night –  (25)  with the game not even close. Here’s a hint to Atlanta, don’t want a team to set a 3-point shooting record against you? Start playing defense.

A recently published PennLive story says former coach Joe Paterno allegedly was told about accused child sexual abuse Jerry Sandusky in 1976. Guessing that Paterno statue that was temporarily removed from its place on campus going to stay in its hidden “secure location.”

In Hong Kong, KFC is introducing edible nail polish that supposedly tastes like chicken. WTF? KFC’s fried chicken doesn’t really actually taste like chicken.

John McCain says that Donald Trump’s heading the GOP ticket could make the Senate’s re-election bid “the race of my life,” because of how unpopular Trump is with Hispanics.
Yeah, it’s a real bummer when a loose cannon on the Presidential ticket threatens the party’s candidates in state races.
Mean bitch karma for yet another win.

A bodyguard who was fired by Kanye West for allegedly trying to hit on Kim Kardashian says he didn’t do anything wrong and that Kanye is ‘the most self-absorbed person’ he’s ever met. Hmm, another potential running mate for Trump?

Open note to @realDonaldTrump on your running mate pick – @SarahPalinUSA is available. Love, all U.S. comedy writers.

 

Donald Trump tweeted on Thursday. “Happy ‪#‎CincoDeMayo‬! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!”
‪#‎wrongonsomanylevels‬ ‪#‎guessheswritingoffcaliforniatexasandarizona‬

Paul Ryan “I’m just not ready to do that (support Donald Trump) at this point, I’m not there right now, and I hope to, though, and I want to, but I think what is required is that we unify this party.”
Waiting for one of these wimps to say, “You know what. Screw it. I’m voting for Hillary but support your local GOP candidates. We can survive four more Clinton years with a Republican House and Senate.”

Johnny Manziel, who is out on bail, has been ordered by a Texas judge to have no contact at all with his former girlfriend. And we all know how well Manziel follows instructions.

 

 –
Police in Arizona have decided to drop felony charges against a high school football player who exposed his penis in a yearbook picture “on a dare,” The relieved kid told a local reporter “God is on my side and I’m blessed [by] everything that’s happened from the support side.”
Uh, it’s Arizona. He shouldn’t be thanking God, but rather the fact he’s a white, heterosexual football player.

As a British Studies major once upon a time, have to note that JD in PA reminds us  .”Anyone who had a Shakespeare course in college could tell you that “Bend it like Richard III” should work on at least two levels.#leicesterjokes”

Bain of his existence?

July 19, 2012

No, not a joke, Rush Limbaugh is claiming “Batman, the Dark Knight Rises” is part of a liberal media conspiracy against Romney because the villain is named “Bane.” (“Bane” was created in 1993… guess that Obama really thinks ahead.)

 

 

Some Penn State students have started a vigil to protect the Joe Paterno statue from vandals. Shame no one on campus was as motivated to protect little boys.

 

Some critics have questioned new Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer’s ability to run the company while pregnant and planning a (short) maternity leave. Uh, could she do any worse than the last 4 CEO’s?

Sportsmanship award of the year? When Kobe Bryant was asked what would happen if the USA didn’t bring home the gold medal, he said that U.S. players’ citizenship should be revoked….

I posted last week that when Romney organized the Olympics the U.S. team was attired in clothing from Roots. A very good Canadian company. Turns out the torchbearer’s uniforms, however, weren’t from Canada. They were manufactured in Burma..

Love this statement from the Olympic organizing committee back in 2000, about a torch relay uniform controversy. (Ah that darned liberal geography…) “The torch relay clothes were NOT made in Burma. They were manufactured in Myanmar. ”

Barry Zito is 119-7 lifetime when he has at least four runs of support. So if Zito had signed with the Yankees would he be a future Hall of Famer?

 

 

Who says there’s no bi-partisan agreement in this country? Some Republicans are saying that Sarah Palin should have a major speaking role at the GOP convention this year. And most Democrats agree with them.

Ann Romney says her husband hasn’t decided yet on a running mate. Actually it’s more likely that he’s decided, then decided again, and is still thinking of changing his mind.

When asked about his company’s support for anti-gay Christian organizations, Chick-fil-A Pres. Dan Cathy responded “Well, guilty as charged. We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit.

Wonder if that includes polygamy, marrying your sister in law,  slaves, etc…

 

 

Supreme Court judge Antonin Scalia said tonight about “Bush v. Gore,” (the 2000 presidential election), “That comes up all the time, and my usual response is ‘get over it.'” So will he say the same thing about the Romney-Obamacare decision?

Cain’t touch this.

November 16, 2011

Herman Cain had one of those “Perry in the headlights” moments the other day when asked a question about Libya. To be fair, from force of habit Cain’s first thought was “Libya, Libya? Maybe Libby? She’s lying, I never met the woman.”


No surprise here: Justin Verlander, who has three years left on his contract with the Tigers, was a unanimous CY Young winner. Assume the award came with a note saying “Congratulations. Look for our offer in 2015,” from the NY Yankees.

So in Italy, screwing young women is fine, it’s only screwing up your country’s economy that will get you tossed out of office. Wonder how long it will take Bill Clinton to apply for dual citizenship?


Oops, the danger of early magazine publication deadlines: Kim Kardashian was featured in a Marie Claire article, talking about her newt marriage to Kris Humphries, and her 1st marriage to music producer Damon Thomas. “I was 19 and didn’t know myself, but it taught me what being a wife is all about…. being there for someone unconditionally.” Or at least until the wedding special airs on TV.

Falcons coach Mike Smith is being pilloried by Atlanta fans and media for his decision to go for it on 4th and inches in OT at their own 29. But he is blaming his players for the loss saying “We didn’t execute on that play.” A few more decisions like that and Atlanta fans will be calling for Smith’s execution.

For his Veteran’s Day tribute , Broncos WR Eric Decker caught a 56 yd touchdown pass from Tim Tebow, dropped to one knee and saluted. And got penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct. Had Decker just run around like an self-promoting idiot he would have been fine. But to be fair, maybe the officials were just in shock about that Tebow TD pass.

Many in the GOP are referring to waterboarding simply as an “enhanced interrogation” technique. At this point I’d say replays of these never-ending Republican debates could be considered an “enhanced interrogation technique.”

Watching Jon Stewart talking about Jerry Sandusky and his “horseplay.” Added to a long list of alleged crimes, I think Sandusky owes a major apology to the entire equine population.

While coaches usually stick up for each other, Paterno’s long-time friend and former FSU coach Bobby Bowden said publicly this week that “Joe was a little negligent,” and “must have known more because he said ‘I should have done more'” Bowden also talked about the cover up that they could have stopped it eight or nine years ago.

Give Bowden credit for honesty, and restraint, for not saying “and you media types tried to make my life hell over stuff like free shoes…”

Last week Tim Tebow and the Broncos became only the third NFL team in the last 25 years to win with no more than two completed passes. Herman Cain hopes to match that record as a presidential candidate.

Some fans in Denver are having customized #15 Broncos jerseys made for holiday gifts with “Jesus” instead of Tim Tebow’s name above the number. Wonder if there’s any truth to the rumor that God is giving Jesus a football jersey with Tebow’s name on it.

The NBA season looks like it may already be over. Which means that fans of professional basketball in the U.S. will just have to remember what team John Calipari is coaching this year.

Congrats to Coach K on his 903th win. In many ways the Duke coach reminds us of Tony La Russa. A great leader, smart, committed to winning…. and in need of a better-looking hair dye.

New Chicago president of baseball operations Theo Epstein said that talented but troubled pitcher Carlos Zambrano will “have the right to earn his way back to being a Cub.” Translation, no other team will trade us more than a bag of peanuts for him.

Another rare serious thought after watching Mark Kelly, Gabby Gifford’s husband, the past two nights on television. I’m thinking if Giffords believes it would be too difficult to run again for Congress while continuing her rehab, Arizonans could do a lot worse than electing him at least temporarily in her place.

Not so Happy Valley.

November 11, 2011

Reading more and more about the Penn State case, seems pretty obvious the school should change their mascot from “Nittany Lions” to “Cowardly Lions.”

Penn State has announced that there have been “multiple threats” against assistant football coach Mike McQueary, the man who saw Sandusky and the boy in the shower. So out of fears for his safety, McQueary will not be at Saturday’s game. With over 100,000 people in the stadium, the University doesn’t think someone would step in if they saw him being assaulted?

Ohio State was notified by the NCAA that in addition to other allegations, the University will now be charged with “failure to monitor” regarding player benefits. ” Failure to monitor” has been considered one of the most serious allegations the NCAA can bring against a school. Well, until this week anyway..

from Marc Ragovin: “Happy Valley is now known as Lake Joebegone.”

Rick Perry will be on David Letterman tonight, apparently with a self-deprecating Top Ten list. Uh, shouldn’t it be a Top Nine list?

Rick Perry’s economic plan – “9-9-…..”

As embarrassing as last night was for Rick Perry, at least he’s not Mormon. It can cause serious problems when you forget one of your wives.

Newt Gingrich also expressed some sympathy for Perry’s forgetting that third department. In fact, Gingrich said that he too has such moments, and forgets the name of one of HIS wives.

It is amazing that a candidate who can’t count to three wants to eliminate the Department of Education.


Apparently almost 1000 Twilight fans have lined up in Los Angeles five days in advance for the premiere of “Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1.” Actually they’re waiting for a “camping spot” in line, and a numbered wristband, which doesn’t guarantee them a ticket. Even Star Trek fans are saying “These people are nuts.”

Prominent Republicans are being at least publicly supportive of Rick Perry after he forgot the third Cabinet department he would cut. Sarah Palin reportedly is even loaning the Texas governor one of her Sharpies.

Zynga CEO Mark Pincus apparently wants some of the gaming company’s early employees to give back stock they own before the company’s IPO. The employees reportedly said, sure, when you give us those thousands of hours of our life back. (Or when hell freezes over, whichever comes first.)


NBA commissioner David Stern is proposing a 72 game regular season. Many fans think that’s only about 50 games too long.

Houston beat Tulane in football Thursday night, 73 to 17. Yeah, the scoring numbers are impressive, but it would be interesting to see if the Cougars played an actual solidly Division 1 level team – like the Indianapolis Colts.

After his disastrous blunder last night, Rick Perry says he is still getting lots of support to stay in the Presidential race. Most of that support is coming from Democrats. (And comedy writers.)

Pat Burrell says his career is over. Regular SF Giants fans have known that since about June.

How can we miss you if you won’t go away?

January 3, 2011

 Wonder now that it looks like Brett Favre might actually finally be retiring if anyone will make a movie about his NFL career. They would need to choose a title though, as “The Long Goodbye” is already taken.

So the Seattle Seahawks make the playoffs with a 7-9 record. But maybe we shouldn’t be surprised, at USC Pete Carroll had a long history of making it to the post-season with relatively mediocre paid talent.

The NFL actually was hoping the St. Louis Rams would win today and save the league the embarassment of having such a lousy team in the postseason.  If this sort of thing keeps up people will start comparing them to the BCS.

Even scarier to 49ers fans…. as lousy as the team looked, they were only one win away from the playoffs. 

Regarding Ohio State’s president complaining about other schools playing “the little sisters of the poor.”. Did it occur to him the Big Ten might BE the “little sisters of the poor.?”

Or as Gary Morton sent in, maybe they can call the new divisions, “Little Sisters” and “Poor.”

Actually, this just in “the little sisters of the poor” are favored in their Big Ten opener next year.

 Joe Paterno, 84, says he intends to keep recruiting at Penn State, which means he will be talking to high school students who will be seniors when he turns 90. Joe has, however, adapted with the times. While he’s not big on the internet he no longer sends out scholarships by Pony Express.

Oklahoma’s 48-20 victory over Connecticut  in the Fiesta on Saturday drew only a 6.7 percent ranking (of all homes with televisions tuned into the game.)  This was lower even than some regular college games.   Since it was January 1, wonder how many of those televisions were from viewers who fell asleep in their living rooms after a late night and then the Rose Bowl?

A week after a blizzard struck New York City, the snow is melting and the trash piles are growing. New Yorkers say they haven’t seen so much useless garbage in one place since last year’s Mets opening day.

I guess that’s why they call it the “poos?”

December 29, 2010

 Elton John, 63, and his husband David Furnish have become parents to a baby boy. Well, give old Elton some credit. At his age at least he’s having a child instead of marrying one.

Although wait a few years until Elton and David are trying to teach their son to be polite and never use coarse language in public.   Can’t wait to see the look on little Zachary’s face when he figures out that dad not only said the word,  but wrote a song with the title “The Bitch is Back.”

The Golden State Warriors are sending Palo Alto High and Harvard grad Jeremy Lin to the D (Developmental) League, so he can get some playing time against lesser competition and learn how to be a serious NBA level player. Fans in Sacramento are wondering if the same thing can be done with the entire Kings’ team.

Scary to think where the Minnesota Vikings might be this season if Brett Favre had decided to stay home and work on his photography skills.

And for those keeping a list,  maybe we can now add Joe Webb to the long column of names of unheralded quarterbacks who are more effective than former #1 pick Alex Smith.

(or for that matter, Jamarcus Russell.)

Sue Paterno, the wife of Penn State coach Joe Paterno, 84 said the rumors her husband will resign are “lies,” and his health is fine. Unless, she reportedly added, he decides to emulate Hefner with a 24 year old. Then Joe will be dead.

It’s been about 2 1/2 years since the AP and others filed “freedom of information” requests for emails from Sarah Palin’s time in office. But the Alaska Governor’s office says they need more time to prepare them, and has asked for a (15th) delay, until May, 2011. Guess Alaska couldn’t afford an automated “spellcheck” program.

Madame Tussaud’s in London has announced plans for a Kate Middleton wax figure, which will be placed next to her fiance, Prince William, and future brother-in-law Prince Harry.

They are also considering a figure of American superhorse Zenyetta, which would be placed next to Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Spokesman Kevin Lennon defended the NCAA’s decision to suspend five OSU players for selling memorabilia and getting free tattoos, but also allowing those five to play in the Sugar Bowl: “The notion that the NCAA is selective with its rules enforcement is a tired myth rooted in bias and personal perception.” I think I liked “I did not have sex with that woman” better.