Posted tagged ‘Cinco de Mayo jokes’

A horse is a horse, of course of course…

May 5, 2016

An 8-1 shot in the ‪#‎KentuckyDerby‬ is a horse named “‪#‎Exaggerator‬ .” Waiting for ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ to sue for copyright infringement.

The next GOP primary is in Nebraska. With Ted Cruz having dropped out at least Carly Fiorina doesn’t have to spend time researching a horse that comes from the Cornhusker state, so she can say she’s rooting for him in the Kentucky Derby.

 

SF Giants reliever Vin Mazzaro May 2, 2 outs, 1 hit, 0 earned runs and a win relieving Johnny Cueto.  May 5,   relieving Matt Cain, Mazzaro got  1 out, with six hits and 9 earned runs ‪#‎Baseballisacruelgame‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

 

 

With each pitch ‪#‎timlincecum‬‘s asking price is going up. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

The Dodgers have suspended SS Erisbel Arruebarrena for the remainder of the season “for his repeated failure to comply with the terms of his contract.” Well, that and for hitting .182. ‪#‎teamsdontsuspendsuperstars‬

Apparently some Hawks players were upset that the Cavaliers, including bench players, kept shooting 3-point shots to set the all-time NBA record last night –  (25)  with the game not even close. Here’s a hint to Atlanta, don’t want a team to set a 3-point shooting record against you? Start playing defense.

A recently published PennLive story says former coach Joe Paterno allegedly was told about accused child sexual abuse Jerry Sandusky in 1976. Guessing that Paterno statue that was temporarily removed from its place on campus going to stay in its hidden “secure location.”

In Hong Kong, KFC is introducing edible nail polish that supposedly tastes like chicken. WTF? KFC’s fried chicken doesn’t really actually taste like chicken.

John McCain says that Donald Trump’s heading the GOP ticket could make the Senate’s re-election bid “the race of my life,” because of how unpopular Trump is with Hispanics.
Yeah, it’s a real bummer when a loose cannon on the Presidential ticket threatens the party’s candidates in state races.
Mean bitch karma for yet another win.

A bodyguard who was fired by Kanye West for allegedly trying to hit on Kim Kardashian says he didn’t do anything wrong and that Kanye is ‘the most self-absorbed person’ he’s ever met. Hmm, another potential running mate for Trump?

Open note to @realDonaldTrump on your running mate pick – @SarahPalinUSA is available. Love, all U.S. comedy writers.

 

Donald Trump tweeted on Thursday. “Happy ‪#‎CincoDeMayo‬! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!”
‪#‎wrongonsomanylevels‬ ‪#‎guessheswritingoffcaliforniatexasandarizona‬

Paul Ryan “I’m just not ready to do that (support Donald Trump) at this point, I’m not there right now, and I hope to, though, and I want to, but I think what is required is that we unify this party.”
Waiting for one of these wimps to say, “You know what. Screw it. I’m voting for Hillary but support your local GOP candidates. We can survive four more Clinton years with a Republican House and Senate.”

Johnny Manziel, who is out on bail, has been ordered by a Texas judge to have no contact at all with his former girlfriend. And we all know how well Manziel follows instructions.

 

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Police in Arizona have decided to drop felony charges against a high school football player who exposed his penis in a yearbook picture “on a dare,” The relieved kid told a local reporter “God is on my side and I’m blessed [by] everything that’s happened from the support side.”
Uh, it’s Arizona. He shouldn’t be thanking God, but rather the fact he’s a white, heterosexual football player.

As a British Studies major once upon a time, have to note that JD in PA reminds us  .”Anyone who had a Shakespeare course in college could tell you that “Bend it like Richard III” should work on at least two levels.#leicesterjokes”

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Sexto de Mayo? Really.

May 6, 2010

It’s a good day the Mexican holiday didn’t fall a day later, or it’s title would be “Sexto de Mayo.” And we think Americans make fools of themselves on this holiday now.

A joint British/Italian study found that those who generally slept for less than six hours a night were 12% more likely to experience a premature death than those who consistently got six to eight hours’ sleep.

Great, one more thing to lie awake at night worrying about.

The Philadelphia Phillies have had two fans jump onto the field at Citizen’s Bank Park in two days -despite the first fan being tasered. But even worse, fans also jumped onto the field at Camden Yards – and beat the Orioles.


Phoenix beat the San Antonio Spurs tonight wearing their “Los Suns” jerseys to show their support for immigrants. Apparently the Washington Wizards are considering such a move for next year. But they worry “Los Wizards” jerseys might give DC area fans another reason to support deporting the entire team.

Okay, all you baseball fans who expected Barry Zito (5 and 0, 1.49 ERA, to have the kind of comeback year he is having so far put your hands up. Now both of you liars put your hands down.


A New York woman is suing Starbucks allegedly that they served her tea too hot. What’s next, a lawsuit allegedly that their Venti Chocolate Chip Frappuccinos are too fattening?


Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid said today that Republicans are trying to “continue to make love to Wall Street.” GOP senators angrily denied the accusation and said that all they and Wall Street do is cuddle once in a while.

Phoenix wore “Los Suns” jerseys tonight to show support for their Latino fans. Suppose it makes sense, how anti-immigrant can you be when your team is led by a South-African born Canadian citizen?


Wednesday was Cinco de Mayo, former U.S. President George W. Bush’s favorite holiday. He thinks it’s a particularly happy coincidence that it is always celebrated on May 5.


The perennially powerful Red Wings have apparently hit a wall in the Stanley Cup Playoffs and are now down 3-0. Who do they think they are? The Sharks?


Headline on AP story: NY bomb suspect seen as good recruit for militants. Let’s see, among other things, the guy built a bomb that didn’t work, didn’t get the VIN number removed correctly from the car, and used his own name in emails inquiring about buying the SUV in the first place. If he’s a “good” recruit, then Americans may be safer than we have thought.


From Bill Littlejohn:

“Tim Tebow, who has yet play a down in the pros, had the NFL’s top selling jersey in April. Which means he’s now in line to be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize”