Posted tagged ‘Sochi jokes’

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Putin on the Blitz?

March 4, 2014

Russia watcher Sarah Palin “”People are looking at Putin as one who wrestles bears and drills for oil. They look at our president as one who wears mom jeans and equivocates and bloviates.” So who taught Sarah those new words?

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Nice to see spring training baseball scores on ESPN if they are basically meaningless. Sort of like the NBA regular season.

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Former Ranger Ian Kinsler, now with the Detroit Tigers, says he hopes Texas goes 0-162. Mark your calendars for June 24. The first game between the Tigers and Rangers in Arlington.

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In Ohio, a 10 year old boy was suspended 3 days from school for pretending his finger like a gun and pointing it at another boy’s head. Could have been a worse result, in Florida he might have been shot..

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Radio Shack has announced they are closing 1,100 stores. Shocking. Radio Shack still had 1,100 stores?.

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Syracuse’s men’s basketball team just had their fourth loss in five games. This former #1 team is falling faster than Russia’s warm fuzzy image after Sochi.

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Kentucky Gov. Steve Beshear announced he will hire outside counsel to appeal a judge’s ruling that the state must recognize same-sex marriages legally performed in other states. He says “It’s about placing people over politics.” Right. I guess this ruling could be harmful to traditional Kentucky marriages between heterosexual cousins, brothers, sisters etc….

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Hell has frozen over dept. The 49ers have to be thrilled with…the Dallas Cowboys?  While Kaepernick says wants to be paid Romo money, Dallas has restructured their QB’s contract, dropping his cap figure from $21.773 million to $11.773 million.

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Meanwhile, Clemson suspended four players including two returning starters due to a “team rules violation” for the football season opener at Georgia. Either it was a pretty big rule, or Clemson figures they were going to lose anyway.

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The NY Times today published a correction for originally misspelling the name of Solomon Northup, the man whose memoir was the basis for “12 Years a Slave. The article in question ran on January 20, 1853. So was the mistake discovered after Larry King found he had kept a copy of the paper?

 

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “Gold-medal-winning ice dancing couple Meryl Davis and Charlie White will be contestants on ‘Dancing With The Stars’.Isn’t that like Roger Federer entering a ping pong tournament?”

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As the flame burns out.

February 23, 2014

USA hockey reaction after today: “Bummer that we didn’t get a medal.” Russia hockey reaction: “how the bleep did we lose to these guys?”

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Alas,  “Do you believe in Miracles?” has become “Do you believe in not being good enough for a Bronze Medal?”

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Team USA speed skating strategy for next Olympics? Expedited citizenship for more Dutch applicants.

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The Sochi Olympics are almost over. And March Madness is just around the corner. So most Americans can soon go from cheering for sports they’ve never cared about before, to cheering for teams they’ve never cared about before. #bracketology

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The NFL is apparently going to institute penalties for racial slurs. 15 yards for the first offense, and ejection for the second. So what will constitute a “racial slur?” Are players going to get a manual of words? And what about “Redskins?”

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Easter this year is 4 20. This is an advance warning to children in Colorado and Washington: Hide those chocolate bunnies from mom and dad.

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While the 49ers appear to have been talking to the Browns about a deal to send Jim Harbaugh to Cleveland, the coach appears to have vetoed the deal. So now we know the answer, yes there are some challenges too big even for Harbaugh’s ego.

 

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In Austin, a woman jogger was arrested for jaywalking and not having ID . Bummer. Had she only been armed she could have proved Texas residency

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A Duke University freshman who was outed as a porn star is defending her occupation as something she enjoys and more than pays her college expenses. Maybe the young woman should go into politics. At least her screwing people for money is providing some value.

 

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All that weight Pablo Sandoval lost, I think we just found some of it: Yasiel Puig showed up to Dodgers training camp weighing 251 pounds, 26 more than in 2013.

 

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NFL rules kept Jadeveon Clowney from entering the draft last year, and the DE said “Because I came off a great season. If it was a chance, I probably would have. “But right now, it’s over with. I had to stay a third year. I did what I had to do, took care of business with my team…”

Uh, considering how underwhelming his 2013 season was, wonder how motivated Clowney will be once he has $$$? (I still predict, he’ll be a bigger distraction for his team than Michael Sam.)

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He has his blinker on, she stops for directions?

February 21, 2014

Ok, this could be fun. Tony Stewart, defending his driver Danica Patrick against Richard Petty, 76, who asserted that the only way she could win a Sprint Cup race is if no one else were on the track: “I think a race would settle it once and for all. I will supply the cars. I’ll make sure they have exactly the same setup in the car and give him the chance

 

 

Johnny Manziel “I feel like I play like I’m 10 feet tall.” That kind of cockiness is no doubt to inspire several defensive ends and linebackers to try to put him 6 feet under.

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The Arizona legislature has passed a bill allowing individuals to use religious beliefs as a defense against a lawsuit And of course, it would allow bigots not to serve gays and lesbians. But doesn’t it equally mean that gays, lesbians and Christians who believe we are all God’s children could refuse to serve bigots?

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Crooks are stupid item of the day: A California man was arrested when he went to the police to report he had been the victim of a hit-and-run. And the police recognized him and his car from surveillance videos from three recent robberies.

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Congratulations to Canada on their gold medal in men’s curling. Maybe a nation with strong gun control laws needs to get really good at throwing rocks?

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One of this year’s Olympic oxymorons: U.S. Speedskaters

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The situation in the Ukraine is bad enough that Putin may soon be telling Olympic reporters “Why don’t you ask me about gay rights?

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Have to love it. Ashley Wagner, who had a fall-plagued skate at US nationals and was named to Team USA based on her past record over a woman who skated better, is now complaining about the judging in the Olympics, claiming that higher scores were awarded based on reputation and favoritism. #irony

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Ok. I guess most Americans can now stop pretending to care about Hockey for another four years.

 

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Apparently angry parents who took their kids to see Miley Cyrus are calling to complain about too much sexual innuendo in her concerts. Uh, did any of these people see or read about the MTV awards before buying tickets?

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Michele Bachman told an interviewer that she thought many Americans “aren’t ready” for a female president. Uh, Michele, maybe they just aren’t ready for YOU to be president.

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So long, farewell. Auf wiedersehen, good bye. Maria Agatha Franziska Gobertina von Trapp, the second oldest and last surviving child of the Trapp family, (Louisa in the Sound of Music) died last week at 99. Let’s hope it wasn’t that NBC remake that killed her.

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The iStamp?

February 20, 2014

The USPS has announced a new Steve Jobs postage stamp for 2015. Actually presume it will be a series of stamps, each one getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller….

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Considering how the figure skaters are doing relative to the hockey team, Vladimir Putin may have to rethink support for gays in Russia.

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For starters, however, how fabulous would the ratings be if we could only get  Johnny Weir to do an on-air Olympic interview of Putin?

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Although with all the newfangled events in the Olympics suppose it’s good to see some traditionalism – like controversy with the women’s figure skating scores.

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German figure skater Nathalie Weinzierl had a rough free skate performance skating to “Rhapsody in Blue.” Maybe if you are trying to achieve perfection not a great idea to use the music of United Airlines?

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President Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper bet cases of beer on the USA-Canada hockey games. Guess they didn’t want to wager with some real stakes. Like with a USA win we send back Bieber and with a Canada win they send us Rob Ford?

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Guess what. The prevent defense doesn’t work well in hockey either. #USAvsCAN #Sochi2014

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Wonder if the USA Women’s hockey team got a post-game phone call from Bill Buckner?

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Actually, for hockey afficionados Bill Littlejohn has a better line,” the team has just been made honorary Toronto Maple Leafs.”

(for non-hockey fans who are curious, google  “leafs” “bruins” “game 7.”)

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Kobe Bryant says he’s “not cool” that the Lakers shipped Steve Blake to the Warriors. Of course, wonder how many Lakers fans are “not cool” with Los Angeles spending $30 million this year on Kobe.

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Police say that during an argument at a casino in Atlantic City, Baltimore Ravens RB Ray Rice knocked his fiancee unconscious. Bet no one’s doing a poll of NFL players to see if they’d feel comfortable with HIM in their locker room..

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At a NJ Town Hall today, Chris Christie blamed Superstorm Sandy recovery problems on the Obama administration, saying “I’m not the king of New Jersey. I’m just the governor.” Well, duh, if Christie were king he would have had those responsible for exposing the Bridgegate scandal beheaded.’

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Ted Cruz, after Ted Nugent called Obama a “subhuman mongrel” said he didn’t share Nugent’s views but “there’s a reason… people listen to him. He has been fighting passionately for Second Amendment rights . And this administration has demonstrated an incredible hostility to the Second Amendment rights of law abiding citizens.” Ah, so passion justifies all speech? How did I miss Cruz’s defense of Martin Bashir?

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The two men who beat up Bryan Stow were only sentenced to 8 and 4 years respectively. Which for one of them will be barely more than time served. Wonder how much time someone might get for beating them up in prison?

Bus to Hell time. Regarding the men who pleaded guilty to attacking Bryan Stow, and who will be out of jail soon. Couldn’t the judge make a condition of their eventual parole be visiting Florida while wearing hoodies?

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President Obama sent an apology to an art history professor for saying “folks can make a lot more potentially with skilled manufacturing or the trades than they might with an art history degree.’ Now Marco Rubio has tweeted “Pathetic Obama apology to art history prof. We do need more degrees that lead to jobs.” What, like Rubio’s own undergraduate degree in political science?

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Putin on the not so Ritz

February 20, 2014

This just in from Sochi. President Putin has announced that all bomb-sniffing dogs for the remainder of the Olympics will be replaced by the Russian men’s hockey team.

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But give Putin time.  Maybe he can blame this on Obama.

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A West Virginia Pizza Hut has been shut by the authorities after a surveillance video showed a manager peeing into a sink. So presume at Domino’s and Papa John’s, they’ve just updated the rules in their employee manuals?

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26% of Americans got this question wrong in a recent survey “Does the Earth go around the sun, or does the sun go around the Earth? Wonder how many of that 26% thought the whole question was silly, because of course they know the Earth goes around the moon.

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In Chandler, police are deciding whether or not to charge a man who fatally shot an unarmed man during a fight that started with an argument at a Walmart service counter. The shooter is claiming self-defense. What, is Arizona jealous that Florida’s getting all the headlines?

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A Seattle burglar who was still in the apartment when police showed up implied to police he had taken LSD but also told them he was Jack Bauer of “24.” Presume the cops’ first clue was when the thief said he had broken in between 900a and 1000a.

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Washington TE Fred Davis today was suspended indefinitely for violation of the NFL’s substance abuse policy. Apparently the substance was marijuana. Makes sense, no one watching the Redskins play last year would believe any of them used performance enhancing drugs.

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Louisville coach Rick Pitino banned his players from tweeting, and would prefer they don’t use any other social media either “I’m trying to get our players to read more, pay attention to important things.” Of course if players are spending all their spare time with social media they won’t have time to have affairs with say, equipment manager’s wives….

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Remember Bonnie Blair? Hey, whatever happened to speedskating anyway? Didn’t it used to be a Olympic Prime Time Sport? #sarcasm

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The company behind #CandyCrush” has filed for an IPO. Will their opening price be known as “Level 1?:

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The Los Angeles Lakers traded Steve Blake to the Golden State Warriors tonight. That’s perhaps less of a surprising story than the idea that Blake had to think “Thank God I’m going to a playoff team.”

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Wipe out?

February 19, 2014

If it’s all about ratings, why don’t they have an Olympic snowboard event with medals for the most spectacular wipeouts?

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Many baby boomers have come full circle. From begging their parents to stay up to watch “The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson. To trying to stay up to watch “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.”

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Norwegian mass killer Anders Behring Breivik, convicted of killing 8 people in a 2011 bombing and fatally shooting 69 more at a youth camp, says if he doesn’t get better video games, a sofa and a larger gym, he will go on a hunger strike until his demands are met or he dies. Uh, and the problem here is…?

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Some boxes of Hot Pockets were recalled after their maker said they found some of the sandwich meat came from the Northern California slaughterhouse that was closed this month during a federal investigation into unsanitary meat. Shocking! Hot Pockets contain meat?

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Simon Cowell says he is “giddy” over his new baby boy. Of course this is the man who once said “I only put myself in a situation where I know I am confident in what I am talking about.” Give the new dad about 13 years….

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Both the top Canadian and U.S. ice dancing teams use the same coach, and after the competition silver medalists Tessa Virtue & Scott Moir complained that they felt sometime she “wasn’t in their corner.” What are the couple trying to do – whine enough to be made honorary Americans.

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Apparently LeBron James is amongst a group of players lobbying for a longer NBA All-Star break, so the All-Stars themselves “enjoy some semblance of respite from the grind of the (82 game) regular season.” And MLB players are just giggling.

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The Clowns of America president says that membership numbers are plummeting because the younger generation isn’t going into the profession, and that the country may be facing a clown shortage. Well, we can always borrow some from Congress.

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Falcons wide receiver Roddy White was arrested and briefly jailed near Atlanta this am for failing to appear in court on a ticket for illegally tinted windows. Two things. Isn’t your posse supposed to take care of those details? And don’t Georgia police have anything better to do?

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Tonight’s men’s basketball game between # 15 Iowa and Indiana was postponed when a piece of metal fell from the ceiling at the Assembly Hall in Bloomington. The antithesis of “raise the roof?”

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In jailhouse recordings just released, Michael Dunn, the shooter in the “loud music” case is heard telling his fiancee: “I’m the f—–g victim here. I was the one who was victimized. I’m the victor but I was the victim too.” Even George Zimmerman is beginning to think this guy is an a**hole.

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On the other hand, forget #CelebrityBoxing, can we match up #GeorgeZimmerman and #MichaelDunn in a real life version of the #HungerGames?

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Taste of America?

February 18, 2014

Those Ralph Lauren limited-edition Team USA sweaters, originally $595, are now selling for THOUSANDS on Ebay. Sounds like some folks are getting very expensive Christmas sweaters to put at the back of their closets.

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Wonder how many people watched the Russian ice dancers skate to Swan Lake and thought “Cool, they’re using the music from Billy Elliott.”

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The U.S. two man bobsled had not won a medal in 62 years. Or as Cubs fans call that “Only Yesterday.” #BMWBobsled

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Johnny Manziel, saying that Russell Wilson is proof that shorter QBs can succeed in the NFL – “I think he’s kicked the door wide open.” And Doug Flutie and Drew Brees are just giggling.

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So a hijacked Ethopian Airlines plane ended up landing in Geneva instead of Rome. No reported injuries, but many passengers on board no doubt have one very important question – “Does the detour mean I get extra frequent flier miles?”

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Paris Hilton had a major wardrobe malfunction at the 33rd birthday party bash she threw for herself Saturday, when she showed the world she was going commando with an overly slit dress. Or maybe Paris is just trying to take some headlines back from Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus?

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The Downton Abbey US season finale is NEXT WEEK?! #toosoon

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Not the Onion: In Georgia, some legislators are pushing for a law that would allow licensed gun-owners to avoid arrest if they accidentally bring their firearms to the airport and into security lines. Two questions: “What could possibly go wrong?” And “How did they beat Florida to it?”

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George Zimmerman told CNN “I’d like to to continue my education and hopefully become an attorney.” So much for anyone who said it’s not possible for the legal profession to have a worse reputation.

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A “number” of passengers and three crew members were injured today when a United Airlines flight from Denver to Billings encountered “severe” turbulence. Coming soon, a “premium seat belt” for a fee?

(Or as Bill D. says, “an E ticket fee?”)

From my friend comedy writer Jerry Perisho “Good news. Simon Cowell’s milk came in.”

(I’m wondering, does that mean Simon will soon be wearing a black nursing t-shirt?)

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From T.C.  “Some of the stray Russian dogs are being adopted by the visiting Olympic athletes. One American is arranging to bring one home and has already named it “Sochi”. A British guy wants to adopt one as well. Name? “Eddie the Beagle” of course.”

(My Bus to Hell thought.  Probably a good thing for the dogs that there are no Vietnamese athletes at these games.)

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Winter wonderland?

February 17, 2014

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Life is so stressful for winter visitors in California….

Okay, before this Olympics, who in America had ever heard the word “twizzles?”

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And maybe you have to be of the original Star Trek generation. Although anyone but me waiting for the headline “The trouble with Twizzles?”

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In his reality show “Snake Salvation,” Jamie Coots, a Pentecostal preacher, said that he believed that a Bible passage in the Bible meant poisonous snakebites will not harm believers as long as they are anointed by God. Coots died last night, of a snakebite. So guessing he was either wrong about the Bible, or wrong about being anointed.

(As my friend Melodi says – give that man a Darwin, except he probably didn’t believe in Darwin either.)

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NBA All-Star game today. A lot of showboating and not much defense. In other words, pretty much like the regular season.

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The Powerball jackpot is back up to $400 million. Although most Americans are much less likely to win than they are to be struck by a car while walking and daydreaming about their potential winnings.

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A different thought about the “loud music” shooting in Florida: The easy availabilty of guns doesn’t just mean too many people are armed, it means it’s easy for people to claim they think everyone else is also armed.

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Mitt Romney, disagreeing with Rand Paul about a possible Hillary Clinton run: “I don’t imagine that Bill Clinton is going to be a big part of it” Uh, maybe because Mitt is smart enough to know the GOP doesn’t want to remind people of what many Americans now consider eight overall very good years?

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Forty degrees and sunny for the cross-country skiing relay today in Sochi? Heck, that”s warmer weather than most Candlestick Park night baseball games.

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Three one-thousandth of a second….

February 16, 2014

Very cute Carnival Cruise lines Olympic commercial featuring kids and a waterslide about the team that “just met yesterday.” Wonder how many people can read the small print “Unless you are a professional bobsledder only one person may go down the slide at a time.”

 

Three one thousandth of a second was the difference today in the 1500 meters men’s speed skating event. Men think “Wow!”  And women think, “I’ve known men who’ve lasted less than that.”

 

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell, defending his decision to allow a debt-ceiling vote. “I believe I have to act in the best interest of the country.” And he said it with a straight face.

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Sad news. John Henson, 48, who followed his late father into puppetry, has died of a heart attack. Jim Henson was only 53 when he died. Hope this doesn’t mean Muppets are hazardous to your health.

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USA men’s hockey wins in a shoot out. USA Women’s curling elminated after they fall just short of an extra end. And millions of people are thinking “I have no idea what either of those sentences mean.”

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Curling would be a lot more fun to watch if they could run the competition simultaneously on the ice with figure skating. #demolitionderby

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Just thinking that “do you believe in miracles?” call wouldn’t have been the same with a shootout.

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So it’s not the suits? What will the U.S. Speedskating team blame next?

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Roger Goodell made $44.2 million last year. Could you imagine how much he would have made if he weren’t working as the head of a nonprofit?

 

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The military says they now have a pizza for soldiers that can stay on the shelf for as long as three years and still remain edible. Did they just borrow the recipe from Domino’s?

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A Northern California Radio Shack was robbed at gunpoint this week. Shocking! There’s anything at a Radio Shack crooks think is worth stealing?

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So to sum up, a white guy in Florida opened fire on a SUV with four black teenagers inside because he felt “threatened” after an argument that he started by complaining about their music. (The teenagers were unarmed.) And a jury says he’s guilty of trying to murder the kids he missed, but not guilty of murdering the kid he actually shot?

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George Zimmerman just told an interviewer: “I suffer from PTSD.” I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

 

A top South Korean speed skater decided to move and switch his allegiance to Russia in order to improve his medal changes in Sochi. Hmm. Think we can convince Justin Bieber that his best chance of another Grammy is to move back to Canada?

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From Marc Ragovin. ” Actress Ellen Page has announced that she is gay. Well there goes her NFL career.”

(of course, for nervous men,  Page could be the perfect locker room reporter.)

 

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Too many options?

February 15, 2014

Fox News hosts were apparently mocking Facebook’s decision to provide users with over 50 new options for their gender, other than simply “male” or “female.” That’s not nice. Considering that several of those options were probably designed to give choices to Ann Coulter.

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Vladimir Putin visited Team USA headquarters yesterday, though did not meet with any of the men’s slopestyler medalists. Maybe he’d been told to “leave the children alone.”

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So who knew men’s figure skating was going to turn into short track speed skating? #sochi14 #crashes

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Nice job by the U.S. men’s slopestyling team. But even the Chinese women gymnasts are thinking “Those boys are YOUNG.”

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From Marc Ragovin  “I think Hansen won the Slopestyle Skiing competition yesterday”
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The U.S. speedskating team is switching uniforms, blaming the new suits they brought to Sochi for their so-far lackluster Olympic performance. Hmm, wonder if the Denver Broncos had new uniforms for the Super Bowl?

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Tom Perkins said yesterday that only taxpayers should vote (has he thought that even children pay sales tax..?) He added that those who pay more should get more votes. “You pay a million dollars in taxes you get a million votes.” I think we’re discovering the answer to a question. “What happens when “affuenza” meets dementia?

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On Valentine’s Day, hope all men  who valued their health remembered those three little words that mean so much to women: “Where’s my chocolate?”

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Oops.  A Groupon promotion today offered $10 off any Groupon deal of $40 or more in honor of President Alexander Hamilton, who’s on the $10 bill. But millions of Americans said, “and your point is?
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Nothing against Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera but didn’t it used to be possible to retire without taking a victory lap?
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Meanwhile, wonder if at this point Roger Goodell is wishing the Saints put out a bounty on Richie Incognito?
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Carmelo Anthony says he is willing to accept less money to re-sign with the Knicks. Maybe it’s about getting more free agents. Or maybe Melo just really doesn’t like playoff pressure.
Last year, Newark Airport finished dead last in the U.S., with 70% of flights arriving on time. And regular Newark fliers responded “How dd they over-inflate those results?”
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Actress Ellen Page, who in Juno played a pregnant girl who decided to give her baby up for adoption, has come out as gay. And conservative Republicans immediately responded “Exactly, adoption is the option that all gay women who get pregnant should choose….. Oops, never mind.”
From Bill Littlejohn:   “Recently, Japan’s Olympic womens hockey team scored its first goal in 16 years.Boy, and you thought California was in a drought”
Guiness confirms that two men at a Las Vegas electronics store set a world record by watching TV for 87 consecutive hours—it turned out to be the last two minutes of an NBA game. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/news/local/news/v/Local/348766/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-February-14-2014-Edition-458#sthash.SxKxxzAe.dpuf
Guiness confirms that two men at a Las Vegas electronics store set a world record by watching TV for 87 consecutive hours—it turned out to be the last two minutes of an NBA game. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/news/local/news/v/Local/348766/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-February-14-2014-Edition-458#sthash.SxKxxzAe.dpuf

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Sochi-ing on.

February 14, 2014

Most bizarre Olympic sign-off ever? Matt Lauer last nightt – “Bob, get back soon. I’m running out of clothes.” (Guess the stores in Sochi weren’t ready for Olympic crowds either?)

So are you a true Olympics fan if you only watch short track speed skating for the crashes? #Sochi2014

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For a fundraiser to rebuild an ice rink Torvill and Dean returned to Sarajevo today to recreate their legendary perfect 10 “Bolero” routine from the 1984 Olympics. The couple still has it, even if they do presumably skate around the rink with their left blinkers on.

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New USA Olympic motto: TGFX – Thank God For XGames

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Russian skating star Evgeni Plushenko’s. 31, withdrew from the Olympics and retired after he was unable to perform some jumps in warmups before the short program. Wonder how many judges still scored him highest?

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Jadeveon Clowney said he might have stayed at South Carolina for another year if he were paid for being a college athlete. Wonder how many other college football players are thinking “Dude, you went to the wrong school?”

Got to love all these small-government types screaming during snowstorms that the roads aren’t plowed fast enough.

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Can we nominate Dale Hansen for Texan of the Year?  (If you don’t recognize the name, Google him.)

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PayPal’s president apparently sent an email to employees chastising them for not using the PayPal app. Maybe they know something we don’t?

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A proposed new NCAA college football rule change would slow down hurry-up offenses, by not allowing teams to snap the ball with more than 29 seconds left on the 40-second clock. Ostensibly to help prevent defensive injuries. Or it might just be because most of the SEC, including Alabama, don’t run the hurry-up offense.

(And  I am sure it’s just a coincidence that Nick Saban, not on the rules committee, made a special request to speak in favor of the rule to the committee..)

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A federal appeals court struck down California’s law forbidding citizens from carrying concealed weapons in public. On a brighter note, this may cut down on people daring to text in California movie theaters.

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Comcast is buying Time Warner Cable for $45 billion. I guess it’s part of their grand plan to create the worst company for customer service ever.   (Next stop, buying an airline?)

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Who would ever think that the Comcast-Time Warner merger won’t be great for consumers. Why, we all know how wonderful airline mergers have made things for travelers….

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San Francisco area health officials are warning that BART riders may have been exposed to the measles after a UC Berkeley student with the disease rode BART to and from class last week. Of course, with airline change fees of $200 and up, wonder how much crap fliers get exposed to regularly from passengers who don’t want to spend the money to postpone their trips?

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As my friend Linda commented about the U.S. Olympic success in X-Games type competition. “we’re really good at games we invent.” So, friends and readers, what other events should the USA invent for future Olympics to increase our medal count?

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Forget Team USA

February 8, 2014

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Have to root for Norway in curling if only to see what these guys might wear on the medal stand.

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There’s an allegation that the US and Russian figure skating judges are working together so the that Americans win the ice dancing event and Russia wins the pairs and team events. Why there is no satire? The allegations come from the French.

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Sage Kotsenburg won the first American gold medal at Sochi in slopestyle. Prompting two responses in this country. 1. USA! USA! USA! 2. What the heck is “slopestyle?”

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Still controversy on the “America the Beautiful” Coke ad. With comments from some haters like “This is the US, speak English.”. Though in that case shouldn’t we all be speaking, say, Navaho?

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Despite a glitch with only four Olympic rings during the Opening Ceremony most Russians on television were shown an edited version where an additional ring magically appeared. “You can do that?” said Peyton Manning.

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Who the heck knows the real truth with Woody Allen and Dylan Farrow. But one thing for sure, millions of Americans are now thinking their own families are so much less dysfunctional by comparison….

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A Northern California man who struck and killed a bicyclist is blaming the new-car smell of his Tesla Motors Model S for the accident, claiming the smell caused him to fall asleep at the wheel. Yet another case of #affluenza?

 

 

Eric Holder says the U.S. government will recognize same-sex marriages as equal to traditional marriages in all federal matters, including bankruptcies, prison visits and survivor benefits. Over-under on how many heads explode at FOX news this weekend?

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Charlie Crist, running for Governor of Florida, just came out against the Cuban embargo. “After more than 50 years of hoping the embargo would bring freedom to Cuba, it’s time to admit that it has failed. We should replace it with a policy that facilitates more trade and more exchange of ideas and values, while simultaneously keeping the pressure on the regime for their human rights violations.” Is Crist too reasonable for the state?

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Cheyenne Woods, Tiger’s niece, has a one shot lead going into the final round of the Australian Ladies’ Masters. They must be jumping up and down at ESPN at the prospect of putting Tiger Woods and tournament win into the same story.

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The Celebrity Boxing match between rapper DMX and George Zimmerman has been called off. The promoter said it was because there’s “more to life than money.” Or maybe George found out he couldn’t carry a concealed weapon in his boxing shorts?

 

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Rain, rain, don’t go away

February 6, 2014

California has been in the middle of one of the worst drought in history.   A SF Bay Area artist is claiming he made it finally rain here by putting acupuncture needles in the ground. What BS. My friend knows she made it rain by washing her car.

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All kinds of online headlines and on air talk in the SF Bay Area about how the first real rain storm of the year is snarling the morning commute. And in the rest of the country they’re thinking “Oh STFU!”

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Jay Leno bid farewell to the Tonight Show, saying it was “the greatest 22 years of my life.” “Not so fast”, think both Brett Favre and NBC executives who will be looking at Jimmy Fallon’s ratings.

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The Pittsburgh Steelers’ Ryan Clark says that while he doesn’t smoke marijuana, many NFL players do. “A lot of it is stress relief. A lot of it is pain and medication. Guys feel like, ‘If I can do this, it keeps me away from maybe Vicodin….” So wonder how long until Roger Goodell responds… by fining Clark?

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There have been a number of pedestrians struck by cars in San Francisco recently. Today a woman was taken to hospital luckily with only “non-life-threatening injuries” after a taxi hit her. And police said witnesses reported that the woman was jaywalking and looking at something in her hand at the time. Gosh, I wonder what that “something in her hand” could have been?”

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Subway is removing “Azodiacarbonamide” from its breads, after a food blogger pointed out the chemical is commonly used to increase elasticity in things like yoga mats. Wonder what chemical Subway is replacing it with?

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So when these Sochi games are over will Motel 6 start a new advertising campaign touting their plush rooms?

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NBC has a Winter Olympics FB page which says “Share if you’re ready.” Guess the page won’t be shared by the city of Sochi.

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So if the water in Sochi is brown and the snow is man-made, should all the Alpine competitors get typhoid shots before they head downhill? Just asking.

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From T.C.  ” The NHL will be shut down for three weeks while the Winter Olympics are on. ‘The what?’, said millions of Americans?

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G.I. Joe just turned 50. His joints still move but now inside Joe’s box is a free package of Celebrex.

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In Virginia, it’s still a misdemeanor for “any unmarried person to voluntarily have sexual intercourse with any other person.” And a bill to repeal the statute just died in committee. Guess this explains why so many politicians live in D.C. proper or in Maryland.

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A friend asked “If Romney is not running for office, and since he currently has no public position, why is he all over the airwaves?” I’m thinking, well he can put together a sentence better than Sarah Palin. #smallmercies

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Why the South is different. “Garnet and Gold” spring intra-squad football games at Florida State routinely fill the stadium. And last week, the team had a ceremony to celebrate their national championship. Over 30,000 fans showed up.

And outside Doak Stadium,  at the sod cemetery, (no joke, where sod is brought back and buried from road wins), FSU held a  memorial service with three small pieces  of sod from the wins against Florida, against Duke in the ACC title game and the BCS championship game.  Each piece was in a small casket, on display with flowers that represented the team colors of the opponents that Florida State defeated

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Rings and things.

February 6, 2014

Airlines have been warned about possible terrorist attacks on flights into Sochi using toothpaste tubes. Which means security will be looking carefully at any toothpaste that looks suspicious. Presumably meaning at least ANYONE bringing a tube in from England.

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NBC News’ Richard Engel reported that his computers and cellphone were hacked within a day of his arrival in Sochi. Where is Edward Snowden on this one?

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Police said a Pennsylvania couple apparently died from carbon monoxide poisoning while having sex in a car parked in a garage. The ultimate Darwin award perhaps since they were trying to breed at the time?

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What took them so long?  Scotland on Tuesday legalized gay marriage. I realize some might find this disgusting. But this is a country that long ago legalized the right of citizens to eat haggis.

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Today was “National Signing Day” for college football. It’s especially exciting for SEC schools because today proves their recruits know how to sign their names.

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#ClayAiken says he is running for Congress in North Carolina. So he wants to go from “American Idol” to “American Idle?”

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A congressman gets caught with cocaine and gets a year’s probation. A famous movie star is found dead with 70 bags of heroin and as my friend Marty B. pointed out, had he been found alive he would not have been arrested. We’re not only losing the war on drugs, we aren’t even consistently fighting the battles.

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I thought Bristol Palin getting on “Dancing with the Stars” for getting pregnant as an unmarried teenager was a new low in our civilization, but getting on “Celebrity Boxing” for killing a teenager has just topped, or rather bottomed, that.

 

 

What’s going on in the sports world? The Seahawks destroy the favored Broncos in the Super Bowl Sunday, and tonight the Lakers win on the road? (Okay, so it was the Cavaliers.) But what’s the next sign of the apocalypse? Cubs fans can only dream.

 

The Jamaican bobsled team’s luggage was “lost” on the way to Sochi, but has finally shown up. Can’t imagine why Russian authorities might have delayed and/or searched bags from Jamaica. Maybe visitors from Washington and Colorado might want to do carry-on.

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Mitt Romney on running in 2016: “The answer is no.” And many in the media wondering “Why?” Uh, how about losing twice is enough?

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What’$ in a name?

January 28, 2014

A New Jersey couple is auctioning off the rights to name their baby girl, with bids starting at $20,000. Wonder how much of the proceeds they are setting aside for future therapy.

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Southwest Airlines announced today they will start flying to Aruba, the Bahamas and Jamaica. Hope they have comprehensive pilot training first… from the air those Caribbean islands all kind of look alike.

 

 

Five pro-marijuana billboards are supposed to be set up around Met Life Stadium for the Super Bowl. And if serious pot-heads are in charge, at least four of the billboards should be up by February 3.

 

 

You can’t make this “stuff” up. One thing missing at Met Life Stadium this Super Bowl, will be the Met Life blimp. Because the weather will be too cold and dangerous for it to fly…..

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Ticket prices to the Super Bowl on sites like Stubhub are apparently falling rapidly this week. Let’s see. A chance to stand in long security lines to sit outside in the cold and possible snow for 4-5 hours, for a view that won’t be as good as on a big-screen TV at home. This after you’ve figured out New Jersey Transit or the bus system because there are no parking passes and taxis aren’t allowed within a mile of the stadium…. Can’t imagine why.

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Stephen Glass, who was fired from the New Republic in the 90s for fabricating parts of almost every article he wrote, went to law school and passed the bar. After New York turned him down he came West, where he has been trying to “demonstrate the moral character required to practice law in California.” Today the State Supreme Court turned him down. Some cynics would say he has demonstrated EXACTLY the moral character of many lawyers in California….

(Wonder how many job offers Glass has gotten from the banking industry. Or Wall Street?)

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Just for the fun of it can some member of the “lame-stream” media ask Sarah Palin what she thinks of the Arizona Republican Party censuring John McCain for being too liberal?

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Meanwhile in Virginia,  former GOP senator John Warner has endorsed Dem. Mark Warner for a second term in the U.S. Senate. So how long will it take the Arizona Republican party to censure him too?

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Sochi mayor Anatoly Pakhomov on gay people – “It’s not accepted here in the Caucasus where we live. We do not have them in our city.” Is he angling for a guest spot on Duck Dynasty?

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GOP Rep. Trey Radel of Florida, who pleaded guilty to cocaine possession in November, will resign from Congress today. The most disappointed people? Democrats who were lining up to run against him.

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Seemed like the players were a bit more into the Pro Bowl this year. But want to get them to be REALLY competitive? Losing team players have to keep wearing those uniforms at least through next year’s pre-season games.

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Guess I’m an old fogie now because I remember when people used to debate Grammy acts based on what they actually sounded like, instead of what they wore and how outrageous their visuals were….

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Royal Caribbean is cancelling a cruise over hundreds getting the norovirus. But maybe they have it all wrong. Maybe the line should market the ship as “The only cruise where you’re guaranteed to actually LOSE weight.”

 

In the German town of Rasdorf, a farm shed caught fire and exploded, reportedly due to methane gas from 90 flatulent cows. The cows all survived, although one was treated for burns. Maybe it was a bad idea to give old lady Leary that lantern.

 

 

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Winter time, and the sports living ain’t easy.

January 25, 2014

Is no sport sacred? In Florida, trainer James O’Donnell was charged with illegal possession of PEDs. Allegedly to use on racing grayhounds.

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Got to love it, Saturday weather at 10a in Olympic site Sochi, Russia, 41 degrees. Weather at 10a in Super Bowl site East Rutherford, NJ, 18 degrees…..

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The PGA tour has started for 2014 so that puts golf back in the ESPN headlines – as in ‘Tiger Woods 9 back after second round….”

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The NFL fined Richard Sherman $7,875 for unsportsmanlike conduct/taunting at the end of the NFC championship game when he made a choking gesture towards the 49er bench. Gosh. That’s almost half the fine he’d have gotten for doing something truly egregious, like wearing the wrong color socks.

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Orlando International Airport, 13th in size in the U.S., ranked 8th in the U.S. (and 1st in the state) in 2013, with 47 guns confiscated by TSA. So who says Florida doesn’t overachieve at anything?

 

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In Oakland, a 13 year-old boy allegedly fatally shot his 17 year-old sister because he was upset she bleached his clothes. So will the NRA call for “open carry” in all laundromats?

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An ex-Senate aide charged with possessing and distributing child pornography was found dead yesterday of an alleged suicide in Maryland. Bus to hell thought, while the Senate may be free-spending with our money, at least this guy saved taxpayers the expense of a trial.

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Just wondering why Mike Huckabee isn’t also complaining that Republicans are “insulting the MEN of America by having Uncle Sugar coming in and providing for them a prescription each month for VIAGRA because they cannot control their libido without the help of the government.”

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Another thought about Huckabee’s birth control comments: How many of his target audience didn’t know the word “libido?”

 

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Not keeping us together.

January 23, 2014

Toni Tennille has filed papers to divorce “The Captain” after 39 years of marriage. Wonder what the cause was? Him playing “Muskrat Love” after she told him PLEASE don’t “Do That To Me One More Time?”

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Quicken Loans is offering a $1 billion prize to anyone correctly pick the winner of every game in the 2014 men’s basketball March Madness. Although a DePaul math professor estimates the odds at best as 1 in 128 billion. Roughly about the same as the Cubs winning the World Series.

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So with Vladimir Putin’s “please leave the children alone” message to gays. I trust he will ban Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty from Russia, since Robertson says men should marry girls at 15 or 16?

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Bernie Madoff apparently had a heart attack in prison, and now has Stage 4 Kidney cancer. “What a shame” said absolutely nobody.

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So as we approach Super Bowl media week, where even breakfast cereal is a topic of conversation, can I suggest that Richard Sherman look for a deal with Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes. Because “They’re GRRRREAT. And other breakfast cereals are mediocre.”

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Notre Dame is ending its long relationship with Adidas and signing a 10 year deal with Under Armour, Inc. According to their AD, the deal, “the largest of its kind in the history of college athletics”, will help Notre Dame through a period of change “unlike any of us have ever lived through or tried to navigate.” What a relief. Hate to think of the Fighting Irish struggling on a shoestring budget.

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The NY Yankees have signed Masahiro Tanaka for $155 million for 7 years, plus $20 million to his Japanese club. Wonder if the deciding factor for Tanaka was looking at the Yankees aging roster and figuring he could head home every October.

 

The National Weather Service has says 40-50 foot waves may hit the north shores of Maui and Oahu, accompanied by strong winds and urged people to be cautious. Over-under on potential Darwin award winners who will go out to take up-close pictures?

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Former Dallas DT Josh Brent faces up to 20 years in prison after being convicted of “intoxication manslaughter” for the 2012 wreck that killed teammate Jerry Brown. What, the Cowboys didn’t pay Brent enough to qualify him for the “affluenza” defense?

Though while we’re on the bus to hell, it being Texas, if Brent had just gotten drunk and accidentally shot a teammate, would he have walked?

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And we wonder why college athletes don’t take the rules seriously. FSU QB Jacob Coker, a redshirt sophomore, is on track to graduate in 2014. He plans to transfer to Alabama, where if he enrolls in a graduate program not offered by FSU, he can play immediately without sitting out a year. All legal with the NCAA. (Russell Wilson did the same thing.)

(and don’t get me wrong, I’m glad they’re graduating. But players who receive the exception tend to be QB’s, and if you believe they’re transferring for academic reasons -which is what the rule claims to be about – then I have a clogged bridge to sell you.)

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