Posted tagged ‘Downton Abbey jokes’

Oh, Lord.

January 4, 2016

Final season of Downton Abbey starts tonight in the U.S. Amazing For six years on Sunday nights Americans weren’t lying when they said they preferred watching PBS.

 

 

Wonder if the final straw that resulted in the firing of Jim Tomsula was the 49ers coach managing to pull out a close game in overtime, and thus costing San Francisco at least a few positions in the NFL draft.

 

So now there are rumors that the 49ers may try to lure head coach Sean Payton from the Saints, rumors fueled in part by the fact that Payton’s daughter now is in college at Pepperdine and he misses her.
Uh, except if that’s the motivation in at most a year Payton can probably have his choice of two new Los Angeles teams are not complete clusterf*cks.

 

San Diego and Denver playing an exciting game with playoff implications, and in Northern California CBS & NFL insisted to keep showing the Rams and 49ers playing to see who had the  worst offense in the league.

The SF 49ers fired Jim Tomsula but kept GM Trent Baakle.  Wasn’t this kind of like firing the catering manager on the Titanic?

#‎NYJets‬ and ‪#‎NYGiants‬ accomplished one thing today – got New Yorkers REALLY looking forward to Spring Training.

From my funny friend Jerry Perisho  “I’m watching the Washington-Dallas football game. Clearly, it’s time to stand up for innocent people whose name is being denigrated through its crass association with a football team. Change the name of the Cowboys.”

Chris Christie called Obama a “petulant child” for the President’s plan to override Congress with executive action to curb gun violence. Yes, Chris Christie, the same formerly pro-gun control Governor who himself this year vetoed several gun control bills passed in New Jersey….. ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬

(as my friend Jon N says, Because nobody would ever consider shutting down a bridge to be petulant. My guess is that’s where Christie learned the word.)

Saudi Arabia just had a mass execution of 47 people, spread out amongst a dozen prisons, by firing squad and beheadings. And these are our civilized “friends” in the region?

 

Bus to hell time: Bill Cosby was arrested and the Pittsburgh Steelers sneaked into the NFL playoffs. So all in all a mixed week for rapists.

Midlife madness.

March 21, 2015

Biggest surprise for casual fans who usually only watch NBA finals but tune into ‪#‎Marchmadness‬: Many white men do play basketball.

Lots of empty seats at the UAB vs UCLA second round game in Louisville. Guess Iowa State and SMU fans tore up rather than sold their tickets

 

The SF Chronicle is reporting that the SF Giants, looking at a possible 2015 power drought, want to expand Barry Bonds’ presence with the team. Giants President Larry Baer “we’re trying to do something a little more than just coming down to spring training.” Hmm, like starting in left field?

Regarding this “party of stupid” thing, have to wonder what the Republicans think they are doing holding up the Loretta Lynch Attorney General nomination. Because until she is confirmed, that job belongs to that GOP “favorite” Eric Holder.

 

Okay, just guessing a tweet like this has never before been sent by an NFL player. From Baltimore Ravens OL John Urshel: “My paper, A Cascadic Multigrid Algorithm for Computing the Fiedler Vector…, has been published in the Journal of Computational Mathematics.”

And in the SEC they’re thinking, “Big deal, we’ve also had a player or two major in foreign languages.”

Say it ain’t so. So season six of Downton Abbey will be its last. On the brighter side, at least we don’t have to deal with the horror of watching Lady Mary go through menopause.

A man was shot at New Orleans Airport yesterday after attacking TSA workers. No word on his name but can’t be a member of last year’s Saints defense – they couldn’t hurt anyone..

Richard White, the 63 year old Louisiana taxi driver who was shot while assaulting TSA workers at New Orleans Airport, has died. He also apparently was carrying a bag filled with a half-dozen gas-filled Molotov cocktails and a barbecue lighter. Not sure White’s motive, but FOX News’s reaction will no doubt be to criticize Obama for not condemning “radical Islam.”

 

Gwyneth Paltrow, in an interview with CNN Money this week. “I’m incredibly close to the common woman…. in that I’m a woman, and a mother”. Anyone but me have this evil urge to watch “Sliding Doors” again and have her tragically caught in those closing doors?”

Steve Nash, 41, is retiring. “So young?” asked Jamie Moyer.

 

From T.C.  “The Canadian Diving Team finished with 5 medals this week at the FINA Diving World Series in Dubai. Montreal Canadiens’ PK Subban, who was fined for his 3rd diving infraction last week by the NHL, was not part of the team in Dubai.”

(For non-Canadians and/or non-hockey fans… substitute Blake Griffin for PK Subban)

Fantasyland

March 2, 2015

An internet hoaxer posted a video of a naked man apparently jumping out of Buckingham Palace. Silly hoaxer. It would have been a lot more believable if the video had purported to show an early morning shot of a naked Prince Harry climbing back in.

You know it’s a nice ‪#‎DowntonAbbey‬ finale when you find yourself in a Christmasy mode in March.

Firefighters put out a small blaze near the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland. Unfortunately for many parents, the ride was not damaged.

#‎stayclassy‬ A police officer is being sued for allegedly coercing a woman shoplifting suspect to repeatedly have sex with him or else be arrested. Nope, this is New Jersey. But hope this doesn’t give anyone in Florida ideas

 

 

While Jimmy Rollins, 37, signed with the Dodgers, he said today the NY Mets were second on his list. Guess Rollins decided he wasn’t so old that he needed guaranteed Octobers off?

Marshawn Lynch said he “expected the ball” for the Seahawks’ last Super Bowl play. And Pete Carroll is thinking, NOW he speaks, when I’d preferred him to have responded ‪#‎ImjustheresoIdontgetfined‬ .

This was Parent’s Weekend at Stanford University, and it was 70 degrees and sunny in Palo Alto. Biggest problem for students – getting their parents to leave.

 

California Senator Dianne Feinstein today called Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu “arrogant”, adding “I think that arrogance does not befit Israel, candidly.” Waiting for the first clown in the car to attack Feinstein for being anti-Jew.

 

Scott Walker on Fox News Sunday, when asked about his statement in 2013 that he could see a path to citizenship for undocumented workers, said he has changed his mind and is no longer for “amnesty.”

You know, I do believe people change their minds. But I think I’d believe these clowns a little more if just once before the primaries some politician changed his or her mind in a way that didn’t align them more with their party’s base.

The Onion has a story about American Airlines phasing out complimentary cabin pressurization. Which of course is absurd. An airline would never do that. Although no doubt American and others are racing to see who can be the first to offer “standard” air, and purified “premium” air for a surcharge.

 

Have to wonder, how many people who proclaimed Je Suis Charlie couldn’t take SNL’s relatively minor parody about a girl joining ISIS?

 

 

Taste of America?

February 18, 2014

Those Ralph Lauren limited-edition Team USA sweaters, originally $595, are now selling for THOUSANDS on Ebay. Sounds like some folks are getting very expensive Christmas sweaters to put at the back of their closets.

Wonder how many people watched the Russian ice dancers skate to Swan Lake and thought “Cool, they’re using the music from Billy Elliott.”

The U.S. two man bobsled had not won a medal in 62 years. Or as Cubs fans call that “Only Yesterday.” #BMWBobsled

Johnny Manziel, saying that Russell Wilson is proof that shorter QBs can succeed in the NFL – “I think he’s kicked the door wide open.” And Doug Flutie and Drew Brees are just giggling.

So a hijacked Ethopian Airlines plane ended up landing in Geneva instead of Rome. No reported injuries, but many passengers on board no doubt have one very important question – “Does the detour mean I get extra frequent flier miles?”

Paris Hilton had a major wardrobe malfunction at the 33rd birthday party bash she threw for herself Saturday, when she showed the world she was going commando with an overly slit dress. Or maybe Paris is just trying to take some headlines back from Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus?

The Downton Abbey US season finale is NEXT WEEK?! #toosoon

Not the Onion: In Georgia, some legislators are pushing for a law that would allow licensed gun-owners to avoid arrest if they accidentally bring their firearms to the airport and into security lines. Two questions: “What could possibly go wrong?” And “How did they beat Florida to it?”

George Zimmerman told CNN “I’d like to to continue my education and hopefully become an attorney.” So much for anyone who said it’s not possible for the legal profession to have a worse reputation.

A “number” of passengers and three crew members were injured today when a United Airlines flight from Denver to Billings encountered “severe” turbulence. Coming soon, a “premium seat belt” for a fee?

(Or as Bill D. says, “an E ticket fee?”)

From my friend comedy writer Jerry Perisho “Good news. Simon Cowell’s milk came in.”

(I’m wondering, does that mean Simon will soon be wearing a black nursing t-shirt?)

From T.C.  “Some of the stray Russian dogs are being adopted by the visiting Olympic athletes. One American is arranging to bring one home and has already named it “Sochi”. A British guy wants to adopt one as well. Name? “Eddie the Beagle” of course.”

(My Bus to Hell thought.  Probably a good thing for the dogs that there are no Vietnamese athletes at these games.)

The show’s the thing.

February 18, 2013

Downton Abbey Season 3 Finale was Sunday night, along with the NBA All-Star Game. One is about rich, pampered and privileged people who live in a fantasy world; the other is a BBC series.

At this point the situation in DC is such that if President Obama came out with a resolution praising motherhood and apple pie, the GOP would accuse him of being anti-fathers and disrespectful of other fruits.

Just in time for Lincoln’s birthday, the state of Mississippi on Feb 7, 2013, finally officially ratified the 13th amendment abolishing slavery. Who says the South is backwards?

Sorry to hear of the death of longtime Lakers owner, Jerry Buss. On the bright side, he doesn’t have to watch any more of this season.

Congrats to Danica Patrick, who won the pole for the Daytona 500. Let the pole-dancing jokes begin.

Just a nasty story about that 60 year old man who is accused of using a racial slur and slapping a crying 2 year old on a flight earlier this month. What kind of scumbag slaps a young child on a plane? Now, slapping a few parents, I can see the temptation….

Really?! Lots of people talk too loud on their cellphone, but woman in an airport lounge is reading her credit card number, expiration date and security code loud enough to hear it across the room. Economic Darwinism in action?

Although Facebook earned more $1.1 billion in 2012, a tax break for executive stock options meant that the company not only paid no federal/state taxes, they will actually get tax refunds of $429 million. And some will still say businesses can’t afford to operate in California….

Maker’s Mark says that customer feedback has caused the company to reverse their decision to cut their whiskey from 90 to 84 proof due to a “supply shortage.” Well, guess this answers that question – “What happened to the guy who came up with the idea for New Coke?”

Tampa Bay DE Da’Quan Bowers was arrested today at La Guardia airport after police found a loaded handgun in his carry-on bag. Jeez, what was he thinking? Trying to get traded to the Bengals?.

Spring training games haven’t even started and the season’s first error? Josh Hamilton told a Dallas tv station last weekend that the DFW area is “not a true baseball town.” (April 22, mark your calendar, when the Angels play the Rangers in Arlington.)

CBS pulled their new reality series “The Job” after two episodes. In fact the ratings were so bad they’re considering picking up the show at NBC.