Posted tagged ‘Steve Jobs jokes’

The iStamp?

February 20, 2014

The USPS has announced a new Steve Jobs postage stamp for 2015. Actually presume it will be a series of stamps, each one getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller….

Considering how the figure skaters are doing relative to the hockey team, Vladimir Putin may have to rethink support for gays in Russia.

For starters, however, how fabulous would the ratings be if we could only get  Johnny Weir to do an on-air Olympic interview of Putin?

Although with all the newfangled events in the Olympics suppose it’s good to see some traditionalism – like controversy with the women’s figure skating scores.

German figure skater Nathalie Weinzierl had a rough free skate performance skating to “Rhapsody in Blue.” Maybe if you are trying to achieve perfection not a great idea to use the music of United Airlines?

President Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper bet cases of beer on the USA-Canada hockey games. Guess they didn’t want to wager with some real stakes. Like with a USA win we send back Bieber and with a Canada win they send us Rob Ford?

Guess what. The prevent defense doesn’t work well in hockey either. #USAvsCAN #Sochi2014

Wonder if the USA Women’s hockey team got a post-game phone call from Bill Buckner?

Actually, for hockey afficionados Bill Littlejohn has a better line,” the team has just been made honorary Toronto Maple Leafs.”

(for non-hockey fans who are curious, google  “leafs” “bruins” “game 7.”)

Kobe Bryant says he’s “not cool” that the Lakers shipped Steve Blake to the Warriors. Of course, wonder how many Lakers fans are “not cool” with Los Angeles spending $30 million this year on Kobe.

Police say that during an argument at a casino in Atlantic City, Baltimore Ravens RB Ray Rice knocked his fiancee unconscious. Bet no one’s doing a poll of NFL players to see if they’d feel comfortable with HIM in their locker room..

At a NJ Town Hall today, Chris Christie blamed Superstorm Sandy recovery problems on the Obama administration, saying “I’m not the king of New Jersey. I’m just the governor.” Well, duh, if Christie were king he would have had those responsible for exposing the Bridgegate scandal beheaded.’

Ted Cruz, after Ted Nugent called Obama a “subhuman mongrel” said he didn’t share Nugent’s views but “there’s a reason… people listen to him. He has been fighting passionately for Second Amendment rights . And this administration has demonstrated an incredible hostility to the Second Amendment rights of law abiding citizens.” Ah, so passion justifies all speech? How did I miss Cruz’s defense of Martin Bashir?

The two men who beat up Bryan Stow were only sentenced to 8 and 4 years respectively. Which for one of them will be barely more than time served. Wonder how much time someone might get for beating them up in prison?

Bus to Hell time. Regarding the men who pleaded guilty to attacking Bryan Stow, and who will be out of jail soon. Couldn’t the judge make a condition of their eventual parole be visiting Florida while wearing hoodies?

President Obama sent an apology to an art history professor for saying “folks can make a lot more potentially with skilled manufacturing or the trades than they might with an art history degree.’ Now Marco Rubio has tweeted “Pathetic Obama apology to art history prof. We do need more degrees that lead to jobs.” What, like Rubio’s own undergraduate degree in political science?


Berry berry bad.

October 13, 2011

For some reason, Blackberries across the world have been experiencing service outages with their email, browsing and texting capabilities. Which comes at a particularly bad time for RIM with the recent release of the iPhone 4S. And here some people thought Steve Jobs would be bored up in heaven.

Blackberry’s worldwide problems continued Wednesday, even resulting in major outages in the United States. Although the U.S. problems eased in the afternoon. So much for that morning drop in auto accidents while drivers couldn’t text and check their messages.

“Too much technology” issue of the day: All these airlines pushing their travelers to do mobile boarding passes instead of paper…. Anyone who’s flying with a mobile boarding pass sent to their Blackberry today is completely, er, hosed. (PG version.)

Meanwhile, in Oak Park, Illinois, the city is trying to cut down on “distracted” driving and considering making it illegal to eat while driving a car. Well, as long as they don’t make drinking coffee while driving illegal.

Personally I’d take my chances with a distracted driver holding a coffee cup over many people on the road before they had their morning caffeine.

Postscript to NLCS game three and the NLDS: Hmm, maybe President Obama needs to have a squirrel run across the floor in Congress to rescue his jobs bill.

Wednesday night in St. Louis, fans were given “Rally Squirrel” towels, plus the chance to buy a stuffed animal for $5. This whole phenomenon could be the squirreliest thing in MLB since Bud Selig said he had no idea about the steroid problem.

Meanwhile, for the third game out of four in the ALCS there was at least a delay due to rain. Hmm, maybe God really is a Yankees fan.

Theo Epstein has apparently come to terms with the Chicago Cubs to be their new GM. The contract is apparently for 5 years and $15 million. With the provision that if he gets the Cubs to the World Series, Epstein will be nominated immediately for sainthood.

Boston College AD Gene DeFilippo has apologized to the ACC for saying in a newspaper interview that ESPN told the league to add Pittsburgh and Syracuse.

DeFilippo said in a letter that he “spoke inappropriately and erroneously regarding ESPN’s role in conference expansion.” Translation, ESPN may or may not have told the league to add the teams, but if they did they told us to shut up about it.

Herman Cain leads in a new poll of GOP presidential candidates with 27 %. Mitt Romney remains where he usually is, in second place, this time with 23%. While erstwhile leaders Bachmann and Perry have fallen off. But let’s be real here, what these polls consistently show is that 75-80% of GOP voters want ANYONE but Romney.

V.P. Joe Biden said Herman Cain’s “9-9-9” proposal would “unduly hurt the middle class in America.” Yeah, well that assumes there is still a middle class still left in America.

A Massachusetts family that got lost in a seven-acre corn maze apparently called 911 for help yesterday. Stories like this make you wonder why Obama doesn’t throw up his hands and say “I quit, you Americans are hopeless.”

Despite allegations that Cam Newton’s father “shopped” his services, and despite further allegations by former Auburn players that they were paid, the NCAA has determined that the university was not guilty of major wrongdoing and does not need to vacate their BCS championship. The ruling presumably cited the well-known “SEC codicil.”

From T.C. CFL (Canadian Football League) update. THe Montreal Alouettes’ Anthony Cavillo has set the record for most career yards passing (72,429 yds) for all pro quarterbacks. Congrats were that he passed in the record books. (Dan Marino, Damon Allen and Warren Moon)

Brett Favre was noticeably missing, but that’s only because Deanna still has his video phone.

From another funny friend (not T.C.) who wishes to remain anonymous: The Seahawks tried to trade Aaron Curry to the Raiders last week, too, but Al Davis said, “Over my dead body.”

R.I.P Steve Jobs.

October 6, 2011

Or should we say R.iPeace.

But hey, give the man credit. Steve Jobs is already accomplishing things in the afterlife. He just knocked Sarah Palin’s “I’m not running for President” announcement off the front page.

Probably too soon for jokes about iHeadstones or iCoffin jokes. But not that much too soon. (Two of my anonymous friends have already suggested something containing either would have a crappy camera.)

Wonder which will come first, Jobs’ memorial service, or the first “tell-all” book.”

Meanwhile, back to Palin jokes: Sarah announced that she will not run for president in 2012, and said the decision was “prayerfully considered.” Wonder if that means God responded to her prayer with “Are you out of your bleeping mind?”

Fox regular lead baseball analyst Tim McCarver will have a “minor heart-related procedure” this week and be replaced in the booth by Terry Francona. Baseball television viewers the world over wish McCarver the best, but think he should take plenty of time off to recover, say until at least 2014.

St. Louis has scored 18 runs against Philadephia pitching in just four games. Yes, the Phillies are a strong team. But before the national media tries, again, to anoint their pitching staff as the best in baseball, remember SF Giants’ pitchers would call 18 runs a bad week.

Michael Vick says the Philadelphia Eagles will no longer use the name “Dream Team.” “Nightmare” is more like it.

My friend Jerry Perisho points out: “There was a squirrel at the Cards-Phillies game. And, it wasn’t Bud Selig.”

(My only squibble with that joke, it’s insulting to squirrels.)

The WAC commissioner apologized for an “excessive delay” when replay officials took 22 minutes to review a play in last weekend’s Hawaii-Louisiana Tech game. 22 minutes for a decision on one play?! Who was in the replay booth? Brett Favre.

St. Louis has scored 18 runs against Philadelphia pitching in just four games. Yes, the Phillies are a strong team. But before the national media tries, again, to anoint their pitching staff as the best in baseball, remember SF Giants’ pitchers would call 18 runs a bad week.

Stanford’s Andrew Luck now apparently has security guards when he is going to and from games, in part to protect him from countless professional autograph hunters. Fortunately Luck is still able to attend classes on his own, probably because these pros haven’t considered the idea of a Heisman candidate QB actually GOING to class.

A high school kicker from Carson, NV hit a 64 yard field goal last weekend. He’s been offered several college scholarships and a tryout with the Philadelphia Eagles.

Quote in response to those who are denigrating Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” campaign against child obesity “I think it’s a really good goal to encourage kids to eat better. I’ve struggled with my weight for 30 years, and it’s a struggle. And if a kid can avoid that in his or her adult years, more power to them, and I think the first lady’s speaking out well.” The speaker? Chris Christie.