Posted tagged ‘russia jokes’

Bluer than blue

October 14, 2015

Every single team left in the 2015 MLB postseason wears the same color.   So can we now title the playoffs “Bluer than Blue”

Well, in Texas it’s about time for sports fans to go back to complaining about their NFL teams.

Watching the Astros bullpen in games 4 and 5 reminds you of why the Giants’ Bruce Bochy wasn’t taking that ball from Madbum’s hand in 2014.

After today’s near riot at Rogers Centre in Toronto  have to figure a lot of people aren’t asking any more why Canada has such strict gun laws. ‪#Toronto‬‪  #‎Bluejays‬‪  #‎ALDS‬

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ALDS game 5 may be rebroadcast as an episode of the Twi-light Zone.

In Toronto today for half an inning there was the thought that the run that would decide the deciding game of a best of 5 series would have scored on a deflected ball that the catcher was trying to throw back to the pitcher.  When the batter MIGHT have interfered, and the umpire MIGHT have called time out.  And the Blue Jays decided to play the game under protest which could have been a fascinating appeal process…… In the Commissioner’s office Rob Manfred must have just popped champagne after that Bautista home run.

Moscow and St Petersburg are considering a 1 day a week ban on alcohol sales as an effort to combat problems resulting from heavy drinking in Russia. Yeah, this works so well in places with blue laws like Texas.

Uh oh, Mike Huckabee’s off his meds again: “I trust Bernie Sanders like I trust a North Korean chef with my labrador.” Has anyone reminded Huckabee that Jesus was a socialist?
Stay classy USC, Apparently former coach Steve Sarkisian learned he had been fired when he read an e-mail and text messages from friends expressing sympathy.
University of Florida DB Deiondre Porter has been suspended indefinitely after being arrested on four felony counts. He allegedly held a gun to his pregnant girlfriend’s head and shot in her direction. This is perhaps not what Gators fans intended when they talked about missing the halcyon days of Urban Meyer.
There are things that make us proud to be human and living in the USA. This headline is not one of them: “Khloe Kardashian Reportedly Rushes to Lamar Odom’s Bedside With Family Members and a Camera Crew.”
Yoko Ono is talking again about John Lennon, saying that he had a “desire” to sleep with men, but told her t “I just never found somebody that was that attractive. Both John and I were into attractiveness, you know, beauty.” Yeah, Yoko said it, with a straight face.
The Washington Post is reporting that 43 people have been shot in the USA this year alone by toddlers age three and younger. Well, maybe if it weren’t easier to fire a gun than to remove a child-proof cap….
A Subway customer says he found a dead mouse in a sandwich at a restaurant on the Oregon coast. And this is still less embarrassing to the chain than Jared.
Donald Trump last night about the Dem debate “Sorry, there is no STAR on the stage tonight!” Well, since Bernie Sanders would like to increase his fundraising, just guessing Bernie would take Trump on in a one-on-one televised debate, any time. Now that Americans would definitely watch.
Donald Trump now wants taxpayer-funded Secret Service for his protection during the campaign. Uh, really, as incompetent as Trump claims to think the government is, wouldn’t you think he’d feel safer with his own private body guards?

From T.C.  On Playboy’s getting rid of nude pictures  “That’s it, I’m cancelling my Playboy subscription and am planning to renew with National Geographic. grrrrrrr”

Brackets, brackets, who’s got brackets?

March 16, 2014

Selection Sunday for March Madness. That glorious time of year when your heart can be broken by a team you didn’t know existed a few days ago.

 

St Patrick’s Day is Monday.. So wonder how many Americans will end up blaming their bracket mistakes on too much green beer?

Selection Sunday! Where beyond the #1 seeds, the biggest drama is which bubble teams will complain bitterly that they just missed a #16 seed...

There was a televised NIT selection show Sunday night. And if you knew that, you are probably just a bit over obsessed with brackets.

And if you watched the show and aren’t related to someone connected to an NIT team, you are probably more than a bit over obsessed.. (No, I didn’t watch, but saw it while flipping Direct TV channels on a plane.)

And if you are upset that your favorite team fell just short of the NIT tournament… well….

Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps Sr. is reportedly near death. “What a shame” said absolutely positively nobody.

 

 

President Obama says the U.S. will not recognize the Crimean election. Will Putin counter that Russia allowed election observers sent by Kim Jong-Un?

John McCain today – “Russia is a gas station masquerading as a country.” Guessing this eliminates all chance of the Senator being seated next to Vladimir Putin at a future White House state dinner.

United announcement on plane today:  ,”If San Francisco is not your final destination please come forward so we can get you on the correct plane.” No takers but uh, shouldn’t your boarding pass readers have caught that?

A new Republican CNN poll shows the leader for the 2016 Presidential nomination is… Rand Paul?!. Which means somewhere Hillary Clinton might be starting her St. Patrick’s Day toasting early!

In Palm Coast, Florida, an man drinking at a resort bar left and returned later in the evening dressed as Rambo, carrying an assault rifle and two hunting knifes. Two other bar patrons were able to subdue him and grab the gun, sustaining only minor knife injuries in the process. And the Rambo wanna-be is in custody. Your move, Arizona.

Reality television star Kristin Cavallari says she will not get her son vaccinated because she’s “read too many books.” Shocking. Kristin reads books?

Scattered pictures

March 5, 2014

Listening to the song “Kodachrome” on the radio and realizing the younger generation has no idea what “kodachrome” is. For that matter, few may soon recognize the term “Nikon camera.”

At the Onion they must be throwing their hands in the air and saying “Can’t top this. We give up.” Vladimir Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

A teacher in England was suspended for taping her students’ mouths shut because they wouldn’t keep quiet. Wonder if she’s already been offered a job with several airlines?

Ryan Braun has a .875 batting average in the Cactus League. Either the guy’s got a major chip on his shoulder to prove he can play clean, or he’s found a REALLY undetectable PED.

So a young Travolta had “Saturday Night Fever.” Did he now have “Sunday Night Fever?” Symptoms including memory lapse and stumbling over words?

The NCAA Football Rules Committee apparently has given up on a proposal that would have basically outlawed the “hurry-up” offense. Who knew, guess the NCAA is not a WHOLLY owned subsidiary of the SEC and Nick Saban.

Nick Saban, still pushing an end to the hurry-up offense “”The fastball guys (up-tempo coaches) say there’s no data out there, and I guess you have to use some logic. What’s the logic? If you smoke one cigarette, do you have the same chances of getting cancer if you smoke 20? I guess there’s no study that specifically says that. But logically, we would say, ‘Yeah, there probably is.'” Hmm, after reading this have to wonder, what is Saban smoking?

In an interview, Pope Francis reaffirmed the Catholic Church’s opposition to gay marriage but suggested it could support some types of civil unions. If Francis retires from the Vatican someday could the U.S. borrow him?

 

Michele Bachman, angry about Jan Brewer’s veto of SB 1062. “Right now, there’s a terrible intolerance afoot in the United States, and it’s against people who hold sincerely held religious beliefs.” Assume Michele would feel the same way if a Muslim refused to serve her because she’s a woman?

Chipotle says there’s a chance it could stop selling guacamole temporarily due to an avocado shortage the chain blames partly on climate change. Finally, something that could get the state of Texas on board against global warming.

 

 

So Tennessee legislators just took the major step of passing a bill to allow grocery stores and super markets to sell wine. Which means that when you go to Walmart to pick up your food and guns, you can get a nice bottle to go with them.

Selfie overload.

March 3, 2014

Ellen DeGeneres’s Oscar selfie with Meryl Streep, Jennifer Lawrence, Kevin Spacey, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt was retweeted so many times it disrupted Twitter service for 20 minutes. Gosh, does this mean that terrorists could shut down social media in the US if they find a cute enough group of cats?

 

Jared Leto won an Oscar Sunday.. Either that or Jesus has shown up. #Oscars2014

Add to the things that lasted longer than Russia’s post Olympics warm fuzzy feeling – Cate Blanchett’s Oscar acceptance speech #Oscars2014

As long as the Oscars show is, they still don’t have time for all the potential awards. For best actor of the year in a political drama, we could have nominated Chris Christie – “I Had No Idea My Top Aides Were Involved In Payback Politics

Jamie Foxx is with his lovely daughter at the Oscars. Note. Daughter. Casual views might think otherwise as the age difference is about the average that George Clooney has with his dates.

Congratulations to “12 years a slave.” And to non-movie fans, no, it’s not about an NFL player complaining about his contract.

Jake Peavy was scratched from his first spring training start for the Red Sox when he cut a finger with a fishing knife this weekend. And in SF the Giants presumably added fishing to the list of prohibited dangerous activities for Jeremy Affeldt.

#CateBlanchett deserved a Oscar for playing a  woman whose failing marriage made her crazier than any woman who didn’t actually marry Woody Alllen.

$51 billion for the Olympics to show the world what a nice place Russia is, and Putin can’t wait a week to invade Ukraine. That warm fuzzy feeling lasted less time than the Cubs’ annual playoff hopes.

Many in the GOP are urging President Obama to intervene in Ukraine. No doubt so they can then complain about him risking US lives and money in a war that is not our concern.

Gov. Jerry Brown said he is not sure legalizing marijuana is a good idea in California. “And all of a sudden, if there’s advertising and legitimacy, how many people can get stoned and still have a great state or a great nation?” Right, because having pot illegal except for “medical” reasons has done such a good job of reducing the number of people who smoke now.

Actually think this is kind of a cool compromise. In Boston, a deal has been reached to allow “MassEquality”, a gay advocacy group, to march in the St. Patrick’s Day parade. But no T-shirts or signs with the word “gay.” And no marchers can refer to sexual orientation. Of course this means no shirts or signs saying “straight” either.

 

New NBA commission Adam Silver says he has considered having a play-in game for the last playoff spots. Right. Because 16 teams in the post season just aren’t enough.

The iStamp?

February 20, 2014

The USPS has announced a new Steve Jobs postage stamp for 2015. Actually presume it will be a series of stamps, each one getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller….

Considering how the figure skaters are doing relative to the hockey team, Vladimir Putin may have to rethink support for gays in Russia.

For starters, however, how fabulous would the ratings be if we could only get  Johnny Weir to do an on-air Olympic interview of Putin?

Although with all the newfangled events in the Olympics suppose it’s good to see some traditionalism – like controversy with the women’s figure skating scores.

German figure skater Nathalie Weinzierl had a rough free skate performance skating to “Rhapsody in Blue.” Maybe if you are trying to achieve perfection not a great idea to use the music of United Airlines?

President Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper bet cases of beer on the USA-Canada hockey games. Guess they didn’t want to wager with some real stakes. Like with a USA win we send back Bieber and with a Canada win they send us Rob Ford?

Guess what. The prevent defense doesn’t work well in hockey either. #USAvsCAN #Sochi2014

Wonder if the USA Women’s hockey team got a post-game phone call from Bill Buckner?

Actually, for hockey afficionados Bill Littlejohn has a better line,” the team has just been made honorary Toronto Maple Leafs.”

(for non-hockey fans who are curious, google  “leafs” “bruins” “game 7.”)

Kobe Bryant says he’s “not cool” that the Lakers shipped Steve Blake to the Warriors. Of course, wonder how many Lakers fans are “not cool” with Los Angeles spending $30 million this year on Kobe.

Police say that during an argument at a casino in Atlantic City, Baltimore Ravens RB Ray Rice knocked his fiancee unconscious. Bet no one’s doing a poll of NFL players to see if they’d feel comfortable with HIM in their locker room..

At a NJ Town Hall today, Chris Christie blamed Superstorm Sandy recovery problems on the Obama administration, saying “I’m not the king of New Jersey. I’m just the governor.” Well, duh, if Christie were king he would have had those responsible for exposing the Bridgegate scandal beheaded.’

Ted Cruz, after Ted Nugent called Obama a “subhuman mongrel” said he didn’t share Nugent’s views but “there’s a reason… people listen to him. He has been fighting passionately for Second Amendment rights . And this administration has demonstrated an incredible hostility to the Second Amendment rights of law abiding citizens.” Ah, so passion justifies all speech? How did I miss Cruz’s defense of Martin Bashir?

The two men who beat up Bryan Stow were only sentenced to 8 and 4 years respectively. Which for one of them will be barely more than time served. Wonder how much time someone might get for beating them up in prison?

Bus to Hell time. Regarding the men who pleaded guilty to attacking Bryan Stow, and who will be out of jail soon. Couldn’t the judge make a condition of their eventual parole be visiting Florida while wearing hoodies?

President Obama sent an apology to an art history professor for saying “folks can make a lot more potentially with skilled manufacturing or the trades than they might with an art history degree.’ Now Marco Rubio has tweeted “Pathetic Obama apology to art history prof. We do need more degrees that lead to jobs.” What, like Rubio’s own undergraduate degree in political science?

Too many options?

February 15, 2014

Fox News hosts were apparently mocking Facebook’s decision to provide users with over 50 new options for their gender, other than simply “male” or “female.” That’s not nice. Considering that several of those options were probably designed to give choices to Ann Coulter.

Vladimir Putin visited Team USA headquarters yesterday, though did not meet with any of the men’s slopestyler medalists. Maybe he’d been told to “leave the children alone.”

 

So who knew men’s figure skating was going to turn into short track speed skating? #sochi14 #crashes

Nice job by the U.S. men’s slopestyling team. But even the Chinese women gymnasts are thinking “Those boys are YOUNG.”

From Marc Ragovin  “I think Hansen won the Slopestyle Skiing competition yesterday”

The U.S. speedskating team is switching uniforms, blaming the new suits they brought to Sochi for their so-far lackluster Olympic performance. Hmm, wonder if the Denver Broncos had new uniforms for the Super Bowl?

Tom Perkins said yesterday that only taxpayers should vote (has he thought that even children pay sales tax..?) He added that those who pay more should get more votes. “You pay a million dollars in taxes you get a million votes.” I think we’re discovering the answer to a question. “What happens when “affuenza” meets dementia?

On Valentine’s Day, hope all men  who valued their health remembered those three little words that mean so much to women: “Where’s my chocolate?”

Oops.  A Groupon promotion today offered $10 off any Groupon deal of $40 or more in honor of President Alexander Hamilton, who’s on the $10 bill. But millions of Americans said, “and your point is?
Nothing against Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera but didn’t it used to be possible to retire without taking a victory lap?
Meanwhile, wonder if at this point Roger Goodell is wishing the Saints put out a bounty on Richie Incognito?
Carmelo Anthony says he is willing to accept less money to re-sign with the Knicks. Maybe it’s about getting more free agents. Or maybe Melo just really doesn’t like playoff pressure.
Last year, Newark Airport finished dead last in the U.S., with 70% of flights arriving on time. And regular Newark fliers responded “How dd they over-inflate those results?”
Actress Ellen Page, who in Juno played a pregnant girl who decided to give her baby up for adoption, has come out as gay. And conservative Republicans immediately responded “Exactly, adoption is the option that all gay women who get pregnant should choose….. Oops, never mind.”
From Bill Littlejohn:   “Recently, Japan’s Olympic womens hockey team scored its first goal in 16 years.Boy, and you thought California was in a drought”
Guiness confirms that two men at a Las Vegas electronics store set a world record by watching TV for 87 consecutive hours—it turned out to be the last two minutes of an NBA game. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/news/local/news/v/Local/348766/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-February-14-2014-Edition-458#sthash.SxKxxzAe.dpuf
Guiness confirms that two men at a Las Vegas electronics store set a world record by watching TV for 87 consecutive hours—it turned out to be the last two minutes of an NBA game. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/news/local/news/v/Local/348766/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-February-14-2014-Edition-458#sthash.SxKxxzAe.dpuf