Posted tagged ‘USA jokes’

Bluer than blue

October 14, 2015

Every single team left in the 2015 MLB postseason wears the same color.   So can we now title the playoffs “Bluer than Blue”

Well, in Texas it’s about time for sports fans to go back to complaining about their NFL teams.

Watching the Astros bullpen in games 4 and 5 reminds you of why the Giants’ Bruce Bochy wasn’t taking that ball from Madbum’s hand in 2014.

After today’s near riot at Rogers Centre in Toronto  have to figure a lot of people aren’t asking any more why Canada has such strict gun laws. ‪#Toronto‬‪  #‎Bluejays‬‪  #‎ALDS‬

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ALDS game 5 may be rebroadcast as an episode of the Twi-light Zone.

In Toronto today for half an inning there was the thought that the run that would decide the deciding game of a best of 5 series would have scored on a deflected ball that the catcher was trying to throw back to the pitcher.  When the batter MIGHT have interfered, and the umpire MIGHT have called time out.  And the Blue Jays decided to play the game under protest which could have been a fascinating appeal process…… In the Commissioner’s office Rob Manfred must have just popped champagne after that Bautista home run.

Moscow and St Petersburg are considering a 1 day a week ban on alcohol sales as an effort to combat problems resulting from heavy drinking in Russia. Yeah, this works so well in places with blue laws like Texas.

Uh oh, Mike Huckabee’s off his meds again: “I trust Bernie Sanders like I trust a North Korean chef with my labrador.” Has anyone reminded Huckabee that Jesus was a socialist?
Stay classy USC, Apparently former coach Steve Sarkisian learned he had been fired when he read an e-mail and text messages from friends expressing sympathy.
University of Florida DB Deiondre Porter has been suspended indefinitely after being arrested on four felony counts. He allegedly held a gun to his pregnant girlfriend’s head and shot in her direction. This is perhaps not what Gators fans intended when they talked about missing the halcyon days of Urban Meyer.
There are things that make us proud to be human and living in the USA. This headline is not one of them: “Khloe Kardashian Reportedly Rushes to Lamar Odom’s Bedside With Family Members and a Camera Crew.”
Yoko Ono is talking again about John Lennon, saying that he had a “desire” to sleep with men, but told her t “I just never found somebody that was that attractive. Both John and I were into attractiveness, you know, beauty.” Yeah, Yoko said it, with a straight face.
The Washington Post is reporting that 43 people have been shot in the USA this year alone by toddlers age three and younger. Well, maybe if it weren’t easier to fire a gun than to remove a child-proof cap….
A Subway customer says he found a dead mouse in a sandwich at a restaurant on the Oregon coast. And this is still less embarrassing to the chain than Jared.
Donald Trump last night about the Dem debate “Sorry, there is no STAR on the stage tonight!” Well, since Bernie Sanders would like to increase his fundraising, just guessing Bernie would take Trump on in a one-on-one televised debate, any time. Now that Americans would definitely watch.
Donald Trump now wants taxpayer-funded Secret Service for his protection during the campaign. Uh, really, as incompetent as Trump claims to think the government is, wouldn’t you think he’d feel safer with his own private body guards?

From T.C.  On Playboy’s getting rid of nude pictures  “That’s it, I’m cancelling my Playboy subscription and am planning to renew with National Geographic. grrrrrrr”

Fit to be tied?

June 23, 2014

US Coach Jurgen Klinsmann, complaining about his team’s chances against Germany “They played yesterday, we played today. We played in the Amazon, they played in a location where they don’t have to travel much. Everything was done for the big favourites to go and move on. We’re going to do it the tough way.” Of course, the easiest way would have been to play good defense for another 30
seconds today.

Tough last minute tie for the USA. Some of these heartbroken fans have been rooting for the team for their entire weekend. #WorldCup

But if life is supposed to be a learning experience, a whole lot of Americans just learned about the concept of stoppage time. #WorldCup

 

#SFGiants are undefeated in the #Panik era.

All this talk about the heat in Brazil. It was only 110 degrees in Qatar today. #Worldcup

 

A man is suing British Airways because he said he wanted to book tickets to Granada, Spain, two hours from London, and ended up on a flight to the Caribbean Island of Grenada, nine hours from London. And it didn’t occur to the traveler to read his itinerary? #cantfixstupid

Oops. A Samsung Twitter Sunday read “Best of luck to Landon Donovan & the USA team. #GALAXY11” On the brighter side for the Korean company, a lot of casual American soccer fans didn’t notice a problem.

If we really wanted to get World Cup interest going in the US, FIFA should suggest that newspapers publish brackets with disclaimers that of course no betting and pools are allowed.

Carmelo Anthony is apparently planning to opt out of his NY Knicks contract. What a shame to break up such a great 37-45 team…

With Lucy Li, 11, in the Women’s U.S. Open, a lot of media focus was on someone who didn’t even make the cut. Getting us ready for Tiger Woods next weekend?

From Gary M.  “Would it be appropriate to begin a Kick-start campaign to raise bail for Hope Solo?”

 

From Bill Littlejohn  “Last Sunday for Father’s Day the SF Giants gave away ties.  Presumably the way Sergio Romo has been blowing, and nearly blowing, saves, all of those ties were more than a little tight.”

One man out.

February 10, 2014

Moron of the day award goes to the unnamed NFL player personnel assistant who said about Michael Sam’s coming out. “It’d chemically imbalance an NFL locker room and meeting room.” Right. Like a Missouri team that was 5-7 in 2012 was “chemically imbalanced” in 2013 enough to finish the year 10-2.

Good for Michael Sam. Of course must be honest. Personally probably have less prejudice against a gay player than a player from the SEC.

More kudos. To Michael Sam’s Missouri teammates. Sounds like they were supportive but whatever their feelings, none of them let anything slip to the media. #teamwork

In honor of #MichaelSam will an Olympic male figure skater come out as straight?

Russian speedskater Olga Graf won a bronze in the 3000 metres. Exhausted, hot and excited after her race, she unzipped her suit down to her waist – forgetting she didn’t have anything on underneath. Graf quickly rezipped the suit before she completely flashed the crowd. But have to think ratings may go up for her next race.

Another Gold for the US in slopeside. It’s sort of like the World Cup, where most Americans will decide to care about the sport for a millesecond. Except that this time we are winning.

Nothing against team ice skating. But can someone explain to me how it serves any purpose at all other than increasing Olympic television ratings?

Oklahoma State basketball star Marcus Smart shoved a fan courtside who allegedly called him a racial slur. Smart, 19, has had off court issues and probably needs at least some anger management counseling. But he’s a teenager. Thinking a middle aged white guy should know better. Just because we have free speech doesn’t mean you have to be an a**hole.

Nice to know the US doesn’t have a monopoly on hypocrisy. Mark Harper, British immigration minister, was behind a “go home’ campaign for illegal immigrants last year. He resigned after he allegedly just learned his housekeeper didn’t have papers to be in the country.

V.P. Joe Biden recently compared La Guardia airport to what one might find “in a third world country.” Prompting demands for an apology – from third world countries.

When your first plane pulls in 10 minutes early, you are one of first people off, walk quickly without a stop to your connecting flight and boarding is almost finished, United just MIGHT be over optimistic on their minimum connecting time. #notsofriendly