Posted tagged ‘9-9-9 jokes’

The “shake” heard round the world.

October 18, 2011

Okay, most serious football fans weren’t surprised that Jim Harbaugh has already gotten into it with another NFL coach. But 90 percent of those in the pool had Pete Carroll.

T.C. says “Breaking News: UFC 138 Headliner now changed to Harbaugh vs Schwartz.”

After the “shake heard round the world”, Jim Harbaugh is now saying that he will personally attempt to get better at the postgame handshake.” But let’s be real here, if he planned these handshakes in the first place, who other than Harbaugh himself thought the 49ers coach would be doing much more than congratulating his opponents.

So tomorrow it will be the Cardinals vs. the Rangers in the World Series. Well, at least we know the BCS has nothing to do with baseball – otherwise it would be the Phillies against the Yankees in the series. With St. Louis and Texas in something like the Tostitos Tournament.

How unpopular is Mitt Romney with Tea Party members? Herman Cain is just the latest of several candidates to vault into a tie in the polls for the GOP Presidential nomination. In fact, some dislike Romney so much they may still support Cain after they figure out he’s black.

The Oakland Raiders, 4-2, are looking for a temporary QB now that Jason Campbell will be sidelined for 6-8 weeks with a broken collarbone. Rumor has it they already sent someone to Hattiesburg, MS to put up a billboard saying “No thanks Brett.”

A new law in California will require children to be in booster seats until they are 4’9″ or eight years old, whichever comes first. Good thing about that “whichever comes first,” kids like Doug Flutie would be in boosters through high school.

Okay, so maybe the Cardinal isn’t getting any BCS love, but there are different measures of success. And how’s this one? The Stanford football game Saturday against Washington is SOLD OUT. And tickets are being scalped at twice face value and up on Stubhub.

Okay, regarding this maybe slightly simplistic 9-9-9 tax plan: So new goods get taxed, and used goods don’t. Well, for starters, that would mean that a buyer of the most basic model 2012 Nissan Versa would pay tax, and a buyer of a 2010 S-Class Mercedes wouldn’t.

Martin Sheen praised President Obama today and said he’s the “only adult in the room.” Well, if anyone knows about being the only adult in the room, it’s Charlie Sheen’s father.

Wells Fargo reported third-quarter net income of $4.1 billion, up 21% from a year ago. The bank earned 72 cents a share, although analysts had expected 73 cents. You know what that means… banking fees are going up.

After an extremely contentious divorce, Frank McCourt got the Dodgers, and his ex-wife Jamie got $130 million. Guess Frank got the short straw.

Frank and Jamie McCourt have reached a divorce settlement. She gets $130 million, he gets to keep the Dodgers. This is good news, for Giants fans.

Fans of several lousy NFL teams are now hoping their teams continue to lose in a “Suck For Luck” strategy. Andrew Luck himself was interviewed about the idea, and responded. “I think it’s stupid. Simply put.” Fans of the Dolphins, Rams and Colts responded – “Uh, since you’re supposed to be the smart guy from Stanford, clearly you haven’t seen our current QBs play this year.”


Monday musings.

October 16, 2011

The world’s population is expected to hit seven billion by the end of October. And just think, all these children were conceived before the NBA lockout.

For a while tonight’s Cardinals-Brewers game was looking like it will be decided in overtime by a field goal.

Rangers have to have loved watching the NLCS slugfest. Especially after last night. Did the Rangers score 15 runs against the Giants in the whole World Series?

In related news there are rumors that some guys in red caps were seen earlier in Milwaukee parks with peanuts trying to lure temporary “pets” for their visitors clubhouse.

The SF 49ers beat the Detroit Lions despite 15 penalties for 120 yards. Wonder if this was THEIR game to honor Al Davis?

ESPN notes that Stanford’s football team,which is ranked No. 5 in the coaches’ poll and No. 7 in the Harris Poll, is No. 20 in Massey’s computer ratings and No. 15 in Sagarin’s. They add that the BCS computers “don’t seem to like the Cardinal at this point.”. Really, what was their first clue?

In fact, undefeated #7 Stanford beat now 3-3 WSU by 30. #8 Clemson rallied to beat now 2-4 Maryland 56-45. You know what that means. Clemson jumped over Stanford in the polls.

Open note to readers asking for San Jose Sharks jokes – the Sharks don’t get really funny until the playoffs.

Okay, so almost nobody had the SF 49ers 5-1 at this point. On the other hand, bookies just collected big time on all those fools who bet Harbaugh would make it at least halfway through the season without a post-game incident involving another coach.

Newt Gingrich said today that Mitt Romney would have a hard time getting the GOP nomination, but that Mitt is “a very likable person.” Well, Newt might be right about the first statement, but a major reason is that he’s wrong about the second.

A 100-year-old man in Toronto today became the oldest person to complete a full-distance marathon. Although rumors are he just went out to get the paper. And had a little trouble remembering his way home.

Herman Cain is now denying his 9-9-9 tax plan came from SimCity. Pundits, however, will be carefully watching any agriculture plan the GOP candidate put out, to see if there are any similarities to Farmville.

In an interview with Wolf Blitzer, John McCain advised Rick Perry to get some sleep before next week’s CNN Republican debate, adding ““Every time I made a serious mistake politically – and I’ve made them – it’s been when I’m tired.” Must have been a heck of an all-nighter before McCain picked Sarah Palin.

Serious travel thought for the night: Eleven of Walt Disney World’s deluxe resorts have just started offering free in-room wireless access. If WDW (sometimes known as Wallet Disney World) can take such a step, what’s holding back chains like Hyatt, Ritz Carlton, Four Seasons, and Marriott?

Berry berry bad.

October 13, 2011

For some reason, Blackberries across the world have been experiencing service outages with their email, browsing and texting capabilities. Which comes at a particularly bad time for RIM with the recent release of the iPhone 4S. And here some people thought Steve Jobs would be bored up in heaven.

Blackberry’s worldwide problems continued Wednesday, even resulting in major outages in the United States. Although the U.S. problems eased in the afternoon. So much for that morning drop in auto accidents while drivers couldn’t text and check their messages.

“Too much technology” issue of the day: All these airlines pushing their travelers to do mobile boarding passes instead of paper…. Anyone who’s flying with a mobile boarding pass sent to their Blackberry today is completely, er, hosed. (PG version.)

Meanwhile, in Oak Park, Illinois, the city is trying to cut down on “distracted” driving and considering making it illegal to eat while driving a car. Well, as long as they don’t make drinking coffee while driving illegal.

Personally I’d take my chances with a distracted driver holding a coffee cup over many people on the road before they had their morning caffeine.

Postscript to NLCS game three and the NLDS: Hmm, maybe President Obama needs to have a squirrel run across the floor in Congress to rescue his jobs bill.

Wednesday night in St. Louis, fans were given “Rally Squirrel” towels, plus the chance to buy a stuffed animal for $5. This whole phenomenon could be the squirreliest thing in MLB since Bud Selig said he had no idea about the steroid problem.

Meanwhile, for the third game out of four in the ALCS there was at least a delay due to rain. Hmm, maybe God really is a Yankees fan.

Theo Epstein has apparently come to terms with the Chicago Cubs to be their new GM. The contract is apparently for 5 years and $15 million. With the provision that if he gets the Cubs to the World Series, Epstein will be nominated immediately for sainthood.

Boston College AD Gene DeFilippo has apologized to the ACC for saying in a newspaper interview that ESPN told the league to add Pittsburgh and Syracuse.

DeFilippo said in a letter that he “spoke inappropriately and erroneously regarding ESPN’s role in conference expansion.” Translation, ESPN may or may not have told the league to add the teams, but if they did they told us to shut up about it.

Herman Cain leads in a new poll of GOP presidential candidates with 27 %. Mitt Romney remains where he usually is, in second place, this time with 23%. While erstwhile leaders Bachmann and Perry have fallen off. But let’s be real here, what these polls consistently show is that 75-80% of GOP voters want ANYONE but Romney.

V.P. Joe Biden said Herman Cain’s “9-9-9” proposal would “unduly hurt the middle class in America.” Yeah, well that assumes there is still a middle class still left in America.

A Massachusetts family that got lost in a seven-acre corn maze apparently called 911 for help yesterday. Stories like this make you wonder why Obama doesn’t throw up his hands and say “I quit, you Americans are hopeless.”

Despite allegations that Cam Newton’s father “shopped” his services, and despite further allegations by former Auburn players that they were paid, the NCAA has determined that the university was not guilty of major wrongdoing and does not need to vacate their BCS championship. The ruling presumably cited the well-known “SEC codicil.”

From T.C. CFL (Canadian Football League) update. THe Montreal Alouettes’ Anthony Cavillo has set the record for most career yards passing (72,429 yds) for all pro quarterbacks. Congrats were that he passed in the record books. (Dan Marino, Damon Allen and Warren Moon)

Brett Favre was noticeably missing, but that’s only because Deanna still has his video phone.

From another funny friend (not T.C.) who wishes to remain anonymous: The Seahawks tried to trade Aaron Curry to the Raiders last week, too, but Al Davis said, “Over my dead body.”