Posted tagged ‘Cardinals jokes’

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Clipped wings?

January 24, 2016

Right about now if Carson Palmer threw a tantrum it would be intercepted.

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Maybe we should have expected this Panthers-Cardinals result – cat owners do know what cats do to birds.

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Meanwhile,  Manning vs. Brady turned out to be a battle for the aged.

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Interesting that for as little difference as the decision to make the PAT a 33 yard kick may have made the season, that decision might have kept the Patriots out of the Super Bowl.

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The snow has stopped, and headlines in New York papers today say things like “We survived.” And in places like Denver, Chicago and Minneapolis they are just giggling.

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In Kansas, State Senator Mitch Holmes instituted a dress code for women testifying before committees – no short skirts or plunging necklines, as he says they look provocative and are a distraction Hmm, now for men, what about comb-overs, bad toupees. and pants belted under bellies, which look ridiculous and are a distraction.

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Donald Trump wants Megyn Kelly off the next debate, Fox has responded “Megyn Kelly has no conflict of interest. Donald Trump is just trying to build up the audience for Thursday’s debate, for which we thank him.”
How often do I say this, “Fox News is right.”

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Bizarre fact on Monday’s  ‪#‎SpursvsWarriors‬ game; GS coach Steve Kerr retired after playing for San Antonio in 2003, 3 of his teammates & coach still on team.

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Rick Santorum says if he doesn’t do well in Iowa he may end up ending his 2016 Presidential campaign. Shocking. Santorum is still running in 2016?

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Jeb Bush today praised Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder for “stepping up” and accepting responsibility for the Flint water crisis. Amazed he didn’t say “Rickie, you’re doing a helluva job.”

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A Brooklyn man, playing around with a gun he thought was unloaded, put it to his friend’s head and pulled the trigger. He thought wrong. And has been arrested for homicide. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎yourmoveFlorida‬

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To all who love to dismiss the idea of gun control working when there is a shooting in Canada or a city or state with tough laws. So since there are still deaths resulting from drunk drivers does that mean we should give up on DUI laws? Heck, for that matter why have laws against murder. It doesn’t stop all of them.

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Love a parade.

June 18, 2015

Warriors coach Steve Kerr says after the Warriors victory parade Friday, “I just want to sit on my couch and watch the U.S. Open and drink beer.” Well, for the last two rounds maybe Kerr can invite Tiger Woods to join him,

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Apparently in the 24 hours after the Golden State Warriors won the NBA championship, a record amount of gear was sold. Wonder if for an extra charge manufacturers could make the shirts etc look like fans had been wearing them for a while.

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Donald Trump apparently offered actors $50 each to show up and cheer for him as he announced his run for the Presidency.. Aha, NOW I see the Donald’s jobs plan… imagine how many people he will have to hire to show up at his various campaign events.

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For the first time since 1970, McDonald’s is closing more restaurants than they are opening in the U.S. Because in an era of pizza with hot dogs and XXL grilled stuffed burritos, their offerings aren’t fattening enough for Americans anymore?

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An American tourist, 27, is in stable condition with bite wounds at a Cancun hospital. This after the man, while allegedly drunk, ignored England and Spanish warning signs and climbed the barbed-wire fence of a crocodile enclosure at the Iberostar resort…. And once again, Darwin is thinking “missed it by THAT much.” #cantfixstupid

 

Maybe SF Giants fans should be happy at least Sandoval left before we got these “Panda being Panda” stories. He was benched for tonight’s game after “liking” a young woman’s pictures on Instagram last night during the game. Said he was in the bathroom at the time…..

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A little inside baseball for SF Giants fans.

#‎Panda‬ who? ‪#‎McGehee‬ who? ‪#‎Duffy‬ does it again. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Astros’ GM Luhnow is denying reports that alleged Cardinals’ hackers got into the Astros database because he hadn’t changed his password(s). But have to wonder how many other people in baseball who have changed teams in the past just changed their passwords.

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And now back to the serious stuff.  Don’t worry.  I’m not going to stay with this much serious stuff  for long. Though it would be nice to dream that maybe THIS time some things might actually change…. No joke.

 

The NY Times is reporting that the alleged Charleston terrorist was arrested and banned from a local mall in Feb. 2015 after he alarmed security guards by asking questions at stores about employees and when they left the mall. Then he was arrested again two months later at the mall, and jailed for 12 days. Clearly a troubled young man. And his dad decided that a good birthday present for him was a gun?!!!

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Well, that didn’t take long. FoxNews.com already has an editorial saying that if churches weren’t gun-free zones, last night’s ” horrible tragedy…probably could have been avoided.”

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And now it also  comes out that last week the alleged Charleston terrorist told friends and neighbors at the park that “he was looking to kill a bunch of people on Wednesday.” And his roommate said the guy has been talking about “something like that for six months.”“He was big into segregation and other stuff.. He said he wanted to start a civil war. He said he was going to do something like that and then kill himself.”

But they  thought he was joking. We’ve been taught to take suicide threats seriously, seems like it’s time to do the same with comments about killing. Even TSA, as much as we joke about them, would have stopped him for those words.

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Oh brother.

June 16, 2015

Jeb Bush is trying to distance himself from those who worry he will simply repeat his brother’s presidency. And somewhere Dick Cheney is cackling “People actually BELIEVE W. was President….”

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Bob Uecker, 81, was hit by a ball during pregame batting practice and suffered a mild concussion. Maybe he should have been standing more than “just a bit outside” of the batting cage.

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Guessing a few people will be fired in St. Louis over their hacking of the Astros. But as to punishment for the Cardinals? Rob Manfred may call Selig for advice on setting up one of those “Blue Ribbon Committees.” (The one on the A’s potentially moving is only into its sixth year.)

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Really bad timing for the St. Louis Cardinals to get caught.. This year investigators will believe the Astros actually had information worth stealing.

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As of today, eight Kansas City Royals are in to start this year’s All-Star game. Along with former Royal Nori Aoki. New commissioner Rob Manfred wants to wait until voting is over, but said MLB is “responsive and open to change if in fact it appears we get a result that is not consistent with the goals of the system that is currently in place.”

All-Star voting might be flawed? I’m shocked, shocked….

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Donald Trump has officially entered the 2016 Presidential race. And Jon Stewart is thinking about calling Brett Favre – “How do you do that ‘un-retiring’ thing?”

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Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign has just begun, but how long until someone demands a birth certificate for that furry thing that lives on his head. Pretty sure it wasn’t born in the U.S.

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United Airlines says they are moving their “P.S’ – Premium Service – hub from JFK to Newark for transcontinental flights. So for all those frequent fliers who have been complaining about delays and traffic to-from JFK and wondering if it could be any worse? The answer is yes.

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In California, Scott Wilk, a Republican assemblyman who was opposing the state budget on Facebook accidentally voted FOR it, and then posted on Twitter. “My wife is right — I can’t multitask!” Kind of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about the rest of Wilk’s legislative actions. Not to mention his driving.

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A man from Mims, a small town about an hour from Orlando, was drinking at a BBQ with friends when he decided to check if there was still a round in the chamber of his gun – by putting the weapon to his head and pulling the trigger. There was.

Services are pending. Back on your game, Florida,

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2-out 2-run double today for Casey McGehee. Maybe that’s ‪#‎SFGiants‬‘ solution, only let ‪#‎McGehee‬ bat when there’s no chance for a double play.

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GOP House members are trying to zero out federal funding for the Title X family planning program, which provides birth control and other reproductive health services to individuals, mostly young women, earning less than $25,000 a year. Right. Because if we all agree one goal is to reduce unwanted pregnancies and thus potential abortions, no doubt denying poor women birth control will stop them having sex….. ‪#‎facepalm‬

 

So Neil Young told Donald Trump to stop using his song “Rocking in the Free World” as a campaign theme. Maybe Young should offer to rewrite another song in a way that would be perfect for the Donald: How about “Ego and the Damage Done?”

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A former Baltimore Ravens cheerleader today pleaded guilty to having sex with a 15-year-old boy. The boy’s name has been not been released because he was a minor, protecting his privacy but no doubt also denying him bragging rights with his friends.

 

Congrats to the ‪#‎GoldenStateWarriors‬ Now, will they vote the ‪#‎Clippers‬, who knocked off the ‪#‎Spurs‬, a playoff share? ‪#‎NBAFinals‬

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Got to give ‪#‎LebronJames‬ for playing with basically a six man bench. Even Snow White had seven dwarves. ‪#‎NBAFinals‬

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Dog-gone?

January 4, 2015

Sarah Palin, in response to criticism over her posting a picture of her six year-old son using the family Labrador retriever as a step-stool. “”Chill, At least Trig didn’t eat the dog.” Didn’t realize that was an option.

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Kobe Bryant said that he thinks European basketball players “are just way more skillful, They are just taught the game the right way at an early age. ..We really have to address that. We have to teach our kids to play the right way.”

Wouldn’t it be nice if there were an option for players in the U.S like some years of college..

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In Arkansas, a group known as the Knights, formerly “the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan”, bought a billboard promoting “whiteprideradio.com.” What, they were upset about Florida getting all the headlines?

 

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Not a big Ravens fan, but having a very hard time seeing how any woman can root for Ben Rothlisberger. Or any man with daughters.‪#‎BALvsPIT‬

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The Ravens did survive a 12 men on the field penalty during a Steelers field goal attempt.  And they made the mistake another time that the officials didn’t catch. Who says football players don’t need to take math classes?

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Meanwhile, nomination for NFL Understatement of the year?. Cam Newton, on the Panthers’ win “It wasn’t pretty at times.”

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Only thing worse than the Panthers and Cardinals teams’ play in their NFL playoff game were all the ambulance-chasing lawyers ads during breaks.

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Happiest people not in Charlotte watching Cardinals-Panthers game had to be the Seahawks and Packers. both praying they get to play the winner.

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That Georgia police chief is now saying he shot his wife in his sleep. And Oscar Pistorius is going “Why didn’t I think of that?”

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Mike Huckabee is leaving Fox News while he decides whether or not to run for President again. But viewers can look forward to his return, as soon as the former Arkansas governor is eliminated in the primaries.

 

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Some grumbling over President Obama having a couple expensive dinners in Hawaii, one at a private club and another at NOBU. Of course, had the Obamas gone to a reasonably priced restaurant or a casual chain the same folks would have complained about him ruining dinner plans for average Americans.

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From T.C. The SEC announces its two newest schools. SEC West welcomes Oregon and SEC East Ohio St.

 

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All Bucked Up

October 13, 2014

Since NLCS games 1 and 2 weres basically being called by St. Louis home town announcers can the SF Giants Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper call game 3 for Fox Tuesday?

 

The advantage of watching ‪#‎SFGiants‬ on FOX. All game stress is mitigated by ability to scream at TV regularly due to idiocy of Joe Buck

 

(and the above two are not sour grapes, I wrote both lines when the Giants were tied or winning.)

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But okay, if anyone had told ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans that their team would have given up four home runs on mistake pitches while hitting ZERO home runs themselves, and the team would be returning to AT&T tied 1-1, (with Yadier Molina probably out for the series), they would have been ecstatic.

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Taylor Swift quoted on the cover of People Magazine. “It would take an astonishing human being for me to even consider getting back in a relationship.” Well, either that or a bad case of writer’s block.

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As bad as day as the Jets had, this week they didn’t even look like the worst team in New York. Or rather, New Jersey.

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MSU #1 in the new coaches poll.  Ole Miss #3.  So a lot of sportswriters and copy editors are finally finding a use for that old M-I-S-S, I-S-S, I-P-P-I spelling chant from grade school.

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USC escaped with a 28-26 win Saturday night despite 13 fourth quarter points from Arizona when the Wildcats’ kicker missed his third FG of the game, a 36 yarder with 12 seconds left. Trojan coach Steve Sarkisian said “God’s got a plan, but we’re not exactly what his plan is for us yet.” And God said, “don’t blame me for all these lousy Pac12 placekickers.”

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Raiders fans egged the Chargers’ team bus as it arrived at O.co Stadium for today’s game. Fortunately, since this was Oakland, most of the eggs were intercepted.

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After last night’s NASCAR race in Charlotte, Matt Kenseth and Brad Keselowski ended up fighting in the garage. If this sort of thing starts happening near the track it could double ratings.

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Wonder how many Americans are so worried about ‪#‎Ebola‬ that they are now reading updates on their phones while driving?

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John McCain now wants a “health care czar.” And hey, the post of Surgeon General is vacant. Why? Because Dr. Vivek Murthy, President Obama’s November 2013 nomination, hasn’t been confirmed by the Senate. Murthy’s crime, upsetting the NRA by calling guns “a health care issue” in a 2012 tweet…. ‪#‎haveyounoshame‬

 

 

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving.  A day where Canadian residents with national healthcare and reasonable gun laws look at the U.S. and feel thankful they live where they do. Of course, there’s a reason this day is in October, well before Canada deals with actual winter.

 

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Rule Britannia?

October 24, 2013

The NFL keeps increasing the number of games in London in hopes of basing a team there someday. Might not be as hard to get players to move to England as the league might think – the country would have free healthcare for all their children and baby mamas.

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Apparently after Sam Bradford’s season-ending injury, the St. Louis Rams reached out to… Brett Favre. But the 44-year-old said that he really is retired now. “Couldn’t you have given it one more chance?” said every comedy writer in the country?

 

Alabama coach Nick Saban is complaining that Crimson Tide fans are leaving at halftime. Maybe it would help if the team scheduled opponents who would keep the game competitive after the first quarter.

 

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What’s scarier? That the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are now 0-7? Or that they probably aren’t the worst NFL team in Florida?

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Former Oregon Ducks TE Colt Lyerla, who left the team Oct 6 for what he said were “personal reason”, was arrested last night for cocaine possession. When he quit, Lyerla said that he “would pursue an NFL career.” Sounds like he’s well on his way to being league ready.

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Cal’s current football player graduation rate last in the conference and last among all BCS schools. Gosh, who’d a thunk the Bears would be the Pac 12 team to beat SEC teams at something?

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Where’s a good tornado when you need one? The Westboro Baptist Church plans to picket the World Series because Americans “worship the false idol of baseball.” Silly silly hateful bigots. Most Americans do not worship baseball. They worship football.

 

Apparently a breathalyzer test is being developed that will catch stoned drivers, as opposed to those might have just smoked the day before. Of course, it might be cheaper to just hold up a bag of Doritos, and see if the suspect snatches it from the officer’s hand.

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Why do I have a feeling this may be one of the understatements of the year. After Spirit Airlines delayed flights up to 12 hours for engine inspections, an airport spokesman said “there were several dozen people in Terminal 4 overnight. There were no arrests. Some did lose their tempers, but it was all worked out amicably.”

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Hope game 2 of the World Series is more competitive. The way they played last night the St. Louis Cardinals won’t be able plausibly to sell “game-used” gloves.

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A STL minor league pitcher accused Boston pitcher Jon Lester of doctoring the ball, and pictures do show something in Lester’s glove, though the Cardinals never complained during the game. But come on, the Red Sox cheating? Just who would they have to think they are? The Patriots?

The average postseason baseball game has gone 3 hrs & 22 min. And fans of #Yankees #Redsox games are thinking, how do they play that fast?

 

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This Carlos Beltran is a pretty tough dude. If he were healthy all the way through 2011, would the SF Giants be sitting on a “three-peat?”

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Just maybe it is not a good idea to throw strikes to David Ortiz with runners on base in this postseason?

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For those who think I only pick on the SEC, Oregon and USC, this gem is from ASU via a friend ‘

“”I don’t know what that word is man. Arizona St. education, bro’. Break that one down for me.” Dustin Pedroia

What’s that? Oh, the word that confused him was “validity”.

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A couple was fined $250 each for having oral sex on a flight from Medford to Las Vegas. No word on how much the airline charged passengers for an entertainment fee.

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From BIll Littlejohn:

Marlins President David Samson predicts that his team will be playing October baseball next year.Boy, those Arizona Winter Leagues are starting earlier and earlier”
 

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World not so Serious?

October 23, 2013

If the Boston Red Sox win the World Series will their MVP turn out to be the most famous beard since Katie Holmes?

 

Are the Cardinals trying to vie with the SF 49ers this week in appealing to British fans who normally follow soccer? This might explain the “no hands” defense.

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#SFGiants in the news: Team re-signs Lincecum and Kanye proposes to Kim at A T & T. Wonder which relationship will last longer.

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The World Series is supposed to be the best two teams in baseball playing each other? Tonight looks more like the baseball equivalent of one of those great SEC-cupcake matchups.

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And somewhere scattered across the U.S. Pirates and Dodgers players watched WS game 1, and thought “How the bleep did we lose to these guys?”

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Many Americans profess complete disinterest in the christening of Prince George, because they can’t imagine caring about someone who will only rule due to an accident of birth. They’d much prefer to speculate over whether Jeb Bush might run in 2016 against Hillary Clinton.

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The SF Giants aren’t saying exactly how much Kanye West paid to rent A T and T Park for his proposal. I’m just wondering, how many celebrity proposals and weddings will it take to pay for a power hitting left fielder?

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The NBA owners has decided to change their playoff Finals format from 2-3-2 to 2-2-1-1-1, with an extra day off between Games 6 and 7. Another small step on the way to making the Finals “The Summer Classic.”

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The Cleveland Browns are the latest NFL team to bench their starting QB for poor performance. And several others are barely hanging on. Starting to think maybe God really wants to see the return of Tim Tebow.

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You can’t make this “stuff” up dept: Three elementary children were treated for minor injuries sustained during a school safety demonstration in Southern California – the injuries apparently resulted from a panic when a police officer’s gun discharged.

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McDonald’s is rebranding ther “Dollar Menu” to the “Dollar Menu & More” items at $1, $2 and up to $5. Guess the chain is hoping Americans are as good at math as they are at making healthy food choices.

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Oops. A University of Iowa math T.A.meant to email students some math problem answers, but instead accidentally sent nude photos of herself and her boyfriend. Once again prompting millions of men to ask “where were these teachers when I was in college?”

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From Gary M.  “Apparently Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian Monday night at A T and T Park.  One of the few ‘locals’ to score at AT&T this year.

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Monday musings.

October 16, 2011

The world’s population is expected to hit seven billion by the end of October. And just think, all these children were conceived before the NBA lockout.

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For a while tonight’s Cardinals-Brewers game was looking like it will be decided in overtime by a field goal.

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Rangers have to have loved watching the NLCS slugfest. Especially after last night. Did the Rangers score 15 runs against the Giants in the whole World Series?

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In related news there are rumors that some guys in red caps were seen earlier in Milwaukee parks with peanuts trying to lure temporary “pets” for their visitors clubhouse.

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The SF 49ers beat the Detroit Lions despite 15 penalties for 120 yards. Wonder if this was THEIR game to honor Al Davis?

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ESPN notes that Stanford’s football team,which is ranked No. 5 in the coaches’ poll and No. 7 in the Harris Poll, is No. 20 in Massey’s computer ratings and No. 15 in Sagarin’s. They add that the BCS computers “don’t seem to like the Cardinal at this point.”. Really, what was their first clue?

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In fact, undefeated #7 Stanford beat now 3-3 WSU by 30. #8 Clemson rallied to beat now 2-4 Maryland 56-45. You know what that means. Clemson jumped over Stanford in the polls.

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Open note to readers asking for San Jose Sharks jokes – the Sharks don’t get really funny until the playoffs.

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Okay, so almost nobody had the SF 49ers 5-1 at this point. On the other hand, bookies just collected big time on all those fools who bet Harbaugh would make it at least halfway through the season without a post-game incident involving another coach.

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Newt Gingrich said today that Mitt Romney would have a hard time getting the GOP nomination, but that Mitt is “a very likable person.” Well, Newt might be right about the first statement, but a major reason is that he’s wrong about the second.

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A 100-year-old man in Toronto today became the oldest person to complete a full-distance marathon. Although rumors are he just went out to get the paper. And had a little trouble remembering his way home.

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Herman Cain is now denying his 9-9-9 tax plan came from SimCity. Pundits, however, will be carefully watching any agriculture plan the GOP candidate put out, to see if there are any similarities to Farmville.

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In an interview with Wolf Blitzer, John McCain advised Rick Perry to get some sleep before next week’s CNN Republican debate, adding ““Every time I made a serious mistake politically – and I’ve made them – it’s been when I’m tired.” Must have been a heck of an all-nighter before McCain picked Sarah Palin.

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Serious travel thought for the night: Eleven of Walt Disney World’s deluxe resorts have just started offering free in-room wireless access. If WDW (sometimes known as Wallet Disney World) can take such a step, what’s holding back chains like Hyatt, Ritz Carlton, Four Seasons, and Marriott?

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Squirrel power:

October 15, 2011

Although really, the only thing squirrely about Friday night’s game in St. Louis was Milwaukee’s fielding.

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Open note to SF Giants management: In 2012, install squirrels at A T & T Park. Or heck, put a salt water pool in center field and install a real sea lion. Cute mammals seem to help.

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Good news in Milwaukee is that the Brewers may auction off their game six gloves for charity. The gloves should get good prices considering they weren’t really used.

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Boston Red Sox owner John Henry said it was “sad” to lose both Terry Francona and Theo Epstein at the same time. “Sad?” Maybe. The word I would use is “Pathetic.”

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Steve Wozniak was apparently the first person in line to buy a new iPhone 4s. 20 hours worth. And he said “The experience (of being in line) is deep in my heart. It’s kind of like ‘Dancing with the Stars. The fact that it’s so hard is what makes it fun. ” Anyone else think Apple’s co-founder just might have a little too much time on his hands?

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The BCS has said the Big East’s automatic bowl bid is safe through 2013. But after that they will re-evaluate. Translation at that point the committee will see if there is any way they can get two guaranteed BCS spots for SEC teams.

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TSA’s latest security idea is “Chat Downs”. Whereby officers will start asking travellers a series of probing questions about their travel plans etc. Presumably one phase of the plan will be hiring thousands of Jewish mothers.

(And of course the first question will be, okay, when was the last time you visited your mother?)

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The GOP House hired a lawyer to defend a law denying federal benefits to same-sex spouses. The attorney, Paul Clement, said “Homosexuals have a great deal of political power” and are not entitled to the safeguards that courts have established for laws that discriminate against racial minorities or women. Well, if it had been up to today’s conservatives, we wouldn’t have laws to protect minorities or women either.

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So he thinks CAMPAIGNING for President is rough? Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he “stands by his wife,” and won’t dispute his wife’s assertion he’s been “brutalized and beaten up and chewed up” in the presidential campaign. Somewhere Barack and Michelle Obama are just giggling.

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Cal lost 30-9 to USC at AT & T Park in football Thursday night. Makes sense, local teams seem to have a problem this year scoring at A T & T against professional opponents.

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