Posted tagged ‘Darwin Award jokes’

Clowning around

January 4, 2017

 

Someone changed name of #Browns training facility on Google Maps to “Cleveland Clowns.” Prompting demands for an apology, from real clowns

 

But okay friends and readers, since someone went on Google Maps to put the name “Cleveland Clowns” on the Browns training facility, surely bright minds in California can come up with a equally creative map “fix” for the San Francisco 49ers corporate offices.

In a Thai National Park a French tourist who spotted a crocodile reportedly ignored warning signs and went off the trail to take a selfie with it. She is recovering in a local hospital with a leg bite. Another Darwin “missed it by THAT much.”

Last Sunday, a baggage handler for United Express ended up flying from Charlotte to Washington-Dulles accidentally locked inside the plane’s cargo hold,
Well, guess we know the answer to the question -what’s the next low fare option for United after “basic economy” fares?

Brent Musberger last night on Joe Mixon, who was seen on video hitting a woman and fracturing her face “He’s just one of the best, and let’s hope, given a second chance by Bob Stoops and Oklahoma, let’s hope this young man makes the most of his chance and goes on to have a career in the National Football League,”

Actually makes you long for the days when Brent was just ogling the Alabama QB’s girlfriend..

 

ESPN reports that a 32-year-old Starbucks barista won more than $900,000 in the Westgate Las Vegas SuperContest, the world’s most prestigious football handicapping contest.
Shouldn’t that report say “a FORMER Starbucks barista?”

Starbucks barista won over $900,000 in Westgate Las Vegas football handicapping SuperContest. Now he can at least afford his own coffee.

Last week McDonald’s opened a new location on the ground floor of a building owned by the Vatican, around the corner from St. Peters. Perfect for those who want to cheat on their diets and confess at the same time?

In Roane County, WV, a man who was just elected sheriff in November was arrested on his 3rd day on the job, allegedly for stealing meth from the evidence locker. West Virginia?! Time to catch up, Florida.

Three months after the robbery in Paris, Kim Kardashian West has officially returned to social media with a post on Instagram #Ourlongnationalnightmareisover #sarcasm

Megyn Kelly announced she is leaving Fox News. So congrats to all those who had January 3 in the pool.

House Republicans this morning dropped their plan from last night to gut the Office of Congressional Ethics. Who’s in on the pool with me as to when they reintroduce it?

The National Enquirer headline in checkout aisle touts “proof” that Obama was born in Kenya, and says “Trump already bringing dignity back to the White House.”
Standby for Trump tweeting that the Enquirer should be the US paper of record.

Julian Assange denied again that the Russian government was the source of Wikileaks’ hacked emails from the DNC and John Podesta. And why should we doubt the man who denounced censorship on the Kremlin’s “Russia Today” channel?

 

from Bill Littlejohn: “The Golf Channel honored Tiger Woods on his birthday Friday by airing a 15-hour marathon that chronicled his major championship highlights from the 1997 Masters to the 2008 U.S. Open, plus features on his life. In that case, shouldn’t there have been a couple of episodes from ‘Law and Order SVU’ thrown in?” . . .

Holi-daze?

July 1, 2016

For all my Canadian friends, Happy (now belated)  Canada Day. For my American friends, might be important to remember July 1 matters up north, in case you were thinking of moving if Trump wins in November.

 

Bill Clinton met briefly but privately with Attorney General Loretta Lynch this week in Phoenix. And of course some allege that they might have talked about the email investigation.
So the former President was alone with a woman and the rumors aren’t about sex? How the mighty have fallen.

#‎Lakers‬ signed ‪#‎TimofeyMozgov‬ to a $64 million contract. Even the ‪#‎Dodgers‬ think that’s overspending for mediocre talent.

OJ Mayo has been suspended from the NBA for 2 years for violating the league’s drug testing program. This is the same Mayo who played one year at USC, was ruled to have accepted improper benefits, got the school’s wins vacated and then entered the draft. Not that I am a Trojans fan but have to admire mean bitch Karma in delayed mode.

‪#‎Iceland‬ has become so popular with their ‪#‎EURO2016‬ run, if this keeps up some Americans will even learn to find it on a map.

One more thought for the day on Madison Bumgarner hitting. Now, he may not be the best hitter on the team by a longshot. But how many other pitchers do fans time their concession-bathroom-whatever breaks around making sure you don’t miss an at-bat? ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎PitcherswhoRake‬

 

And sure, all SF Giants fans knew the team would start off July with a win thanks to Grant Green, Jarrett Parker, and Conor Gillaspie.

Reports now indicate that Kevin Durant is “90% likely” to stay with the Thunder. So all of this media free-agent hype may be about as accurate as the supermarket tabloids regularly promising celebrity divorces.

At Machu Picchu, a man entered a restricted area, and asked someone to take his picture leaping in the air. He then leapt, fell of a cliff, and died. Not often you get a Darwin Award and an Incan sacrifice at the same time.

So has a team from ‪#‎Cleveland‬ lost since game 4 of the ‪#‎NBAfinals‬? ‪#‎Indians‬ ‪#‎Cavs‬

(my friend Richard Rothschild tells me, well, actually since before game 6.)

On Delta’s website today, fares from San Francisco to Detroit were apparently showing up for over $13,000 roundtrip, in coach. Well, that’s absurd. Who would ever think it would cost that much for a domestic airfare. Now by the time you add fees….maybe.

Trump spoke today in Denver following Sarah Palin. So he did that because after Palin there’s a CHANCE the Donald looks sane by comparison?

A Miami strip club bartender wanted to spend some time with a man who wasn’t her husband, so she told hubby she had been kidnapped. He called the cops, she got arrested. Uh, she couldn’t have found ONE friend to say it was a girls’ weekend? ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎Butyoucanarreststupid‬

Now Al Qaeda and ISIS are both claiming credit for a hostage situation in Bangladesh. I do suppose it’s too much to hope that they might get mad enough to start shooting and bombing each other.

Donald Trump, on the Supreme Court’s 5-3 Texas abortion clinic ruling: “Now if we had—Scalia was living, or if Scalia was replaced by me, you wouldn’t have had that, OK? It would’ve been the opposite.”
Because 5-4 is the opposite of 5-3? The Donald is not only not qualified to be President, he’s not qualified to teach 2nd grade math.

Deja vu all over again

December 29, 2015

 

Apparently ANOTHER video of Johnny Manzel drinking and partying has surfaced, this time from Christmas Eve in someone’s home. These regular pools are getting too easy – congrats to anyone who has the November 21-December 24 exacta.

Maybe not a moment of silence for the great  Harlem Globetrotters’ Meadowlark Lemon – wouldn’t it be more appropriate if we all hummed a few bars of “Sweet Georgia Brown?”

Hope watching the Philadelphia 76ers this year gave ‪#‎MeadowlarkLemon‬ some last warm memories of the Washington Generals.

 

Ohio State star RB Ezekiel Elliott, the team’s leading rusher, was cited after a “minor car crash” yesterday in Columbus in which one passenger sustained minor injuries. The citations were for “driving under suspension, driving without a license and failure to control his car.” An OSU spokesman said the incident will not affect Elliott’s status for the Fiesta Bowl Friday. “I am shocked” said nobody who knows Urban Meyer.

A former N.J. police officer who admitted to having sex with multiple women on duty, including inside his car, now is contending that he shouldn’t have been fired over the trysts. And so will he also demand a retro-active bonus for multitasking?

A 21 year-old Dartmouth College swimmer has died at a YMCA pool after trying to complete four laps underwater without surfacing to breathe. Awful for his family, but proof again that IQ points are no deterrent from a Darwin award.

Aroldis Chapman, under investigation for a domestic violence incident where he admitted to firing a gun several times in his garage, has been traded to the Yankees. Well, that ought to make the Bronx Bombers even more popular outside New York.

 

The four top seeds in the NFL playoffs may be the Patriots, Cardinals, Bengals and Panthers. Are we sure those last three aren’t a sign of the apocalypse?

#‎NFL‬ arrests are down this year. Still, always seems a bit odd to hear referee after the coin toss say “Good luck, gentlemen.” ‪#‎Gentlemen‬?

Former Louisiana State Representative and KKK Leader David Duke says that while he likes Donald Trump, “I don’t agree with everything he says, he speaks a little more, actually he speaks a lot more radically than I talk.” ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬ ‪#‎nottheOnion‬.

Holland America Line says that “Dancing with the Stars At Sea” is going away. This news no doubt disappoints tens of thousands of women and about two men.

 

‪#‎AshleyMadison‬ says they have added 4 million new users since their July hack. Two words: death wish.

David Spade, one of that rare breed of Hollywood Republicans, is criticizing Barack and Michelle Obama for their appearances on reality TV, saying the President is “thirsty,” and “should have a little more dignity.”
So what’s next, Spade’s endorsement of Donald Trump?

In Toronto, police are looking for the driver of a Lamborghini who crashed into another car this morning, then was picked up by BMW and fled the scene. Hmm…..any chance that affluenza kid and his mom from Texas headed north?

(Breaking news just when i posted this, he may have been caught in Mexico.)

From Marc Ragovin:   “The NBA has suspended Memphis guard Matt Barnes two games for his role in a preseason fight with Knicks’ coach Derek Fisher. Asked if would appeal the penalty, the chastened Grizzlie said he would “just grin and bear it.”

Curses, Trumped again.

July 19, 2015

Donald Trump  said John McCain “is a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.” At this point calling Trump a douchebag is an insult to a perfectly good female hygiene product.

 

 

Now Rick Perry is calling for Trump to be disqualified from running for president. “His attack on veterans make him unfit to be Commander-in-Chief.” Well, that and there are only ten chairs at the first GOP debate, so any way that Perry can cull the herd….

 

Give ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ credit. It takes a lot of work to give ‪#‎RickPerry‬ the moral high road. ‪#‎McCain‬ ‪#‎ProofHellHasFrozenOver‬

And Donald Trump  also is now saying “I think we should boycott Mexico, frankly.” So okay, at least Taco Bell is safe, as there’s nothing actually Mexican about it.

Saturday at the British Open.  So the wind is strong enough to blow balls all over greens, &  players look about to fall over, but seagulls stand calmly.  Evolution in action?

But yeah, golf is not exactly a sport for the masses. British Open commentator, talking about how difficult it is for players because “the ball is oscillating on the green.”

 

Brett Favre today at his Green Bay HOF ceremony “When you look back and talk about my career, it will be from a Packers standpoint. You almost forget that I played for other teams.” And some Jets fans are thinking “Would that that were true.”

The Packets tweeted out on Saturday.  “Brett Favre’s No. 4 is officially retired.”  So Sunday will they tweet out “Just kidding”?

LAX is now going to allow Uber and Lyft pickup. Because clearly the airport didn’t have enough traffic?

 

A Texas man accidentally fatally shot himself at his 21st  birthday party, authorities said. He’d apparently been shooting the gun into the air during the celebration.  Police said “Alcohol was a factor in the shootings.”    Ya think?

Wonder if a Darwin award was on his birthday list?

 

Six runs on 16 hits Friday night, now eight runs on 14 hits Saturday night.  Maybe what ‪#‎SFGiants‬ needed after the All Star Break was 12 innings of batting practice against live pitching?

Preach it.

June 3, 2015

The Duggars’ Arkansas pastor said that Caitlyn Jenner’s sex change is an example of the “moral unraveling” of America, but Josh Duggar’s child molestation can be “forgiven” by God. And that ladies and gentleman, tells you all you need to know about why Jimmy Carter left the Southern Baptists.

Jessa Duggar, 22, is defending her brother “‘I do want to speak up in his defense against people who are calling him a child molester or a pedophile or a rapist, some people are saying. I’m like that is so overboard and a lie really, I mean people get mad at me for saying that but I can say this because I was one of the victims.”

And some people think being raised by a loving gay couple results in a child growing up with a warped perspective.

Taco Bell will start serving alcohol for the first time in the U.S. at one of their Chicago locations. Wouldn’t it be a more symbiotic relationship if they started selling marijuana?

Lincoln Chafee, in announcing he has joined the 2016 Presidential Race. “I enjoy challenges.” Even Cubs fans are thinking “What is that man smoking?”

#‎SFGiants‬ have lost five games in a row in advance of today’s ‪#‎WhiteHouse‬ visit. ‪#‎IBlameObama‬

Oops, a Pentagon official has admitted that at least four batches of anthrax samples shipped from a military lab to labs in 12 states, plus DC and three countries, mistakenly contained live spores. They are trying to figure out why. Once again, showing that for all the worries about terrorism, we have more to fear from good old-fashioned stupidity.

 

You know there MIGHT be too long a layoff before the NBA finals for the media when a headline today talks about Lebron James saying he loves “Pitch Perfect 2” and that  he thinks “Fat Amy” is awesome. ‪#‎SuperBowlmediaweekthesequel‬

No Darwin Award because he was only arrested and not even injured. But he gave it 100% effort. A man who parked his car across a state road in Pennsylvania and set up a fake DUI checkpoint at 4am Saturday, complete with flares, allegedly was drunk himself. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

Tampa Bay Lightning management said that anyone buying premium seats near the rink for the opening game of the Stanley Cup Final MUST wear team or neutral colors. And a lot of rich people in Florida were going “So what are our colors?”

Dick Cheney recently showed a WSJ reporter the cover of his truck trailer hitch, which features a picture of Darth Vader. Adding “I’m rather proud of that.” “I’m shocked,” said absolutely nobody.

You think you’re having a bad day at work. You could have worked for Southwest at the airport Wed.  A fare sale and high traffic crashed the website. So  ALL computers were down for hours with no scheduled up time. In an electronic ticket age. ‪#‎wannagetaway

Meanwhile, Delta is testing “Early Valet” carry-on service., where airline employees can take passengers’ bags at the gate and put them above their assigned seats. So how long until they charge for guaranteed overhead bin space?

American Airlines retirees are complaining that after merging with US AIrways, retired employees now get a standby priority below current employees. One woman, who retired in 1995, angrily told a reporter that some retirees are even buying tickets on other airlines. And this is supposed to upset American how?

 

 

United Airlines temporarily grounded ALL flights this morning for 30 minutes this morning over “automation issues.” Flights have resumed and to ensure it doesn’t happen again the airline will no doubt soon announce a computer maintenance fee.

From Marc Ragovin;   “A Fargo, North Dakota man has been convicted of driving a zamboni while intoxicated at a girls hockey game in January and sentenced to nine days in jail. Witnesses called the police when he was observed repeatedly driving straight.”

The name game?

February 24, 2015

The Atlanta Braves’ B.J. Upton now wants to be known as Melvin Upton, Jr. Talk about a player to be named later.

Yep, cigarettes can kill you. But usually not this quickly. A man driving along the Columbia River in Oregon stopped to smoke and take a selfie while a train passed. He didn’t see another train coming from the other direction. ‪#‎Darwinawardoftheweek‬

It’s really a shame we don’t have Joan Rivers around to dish on how tacky it was to exclude her from the “In Memoriam” Oscars segment.

Okay, so maybe you shouldn’t bring your mom as your Oscar date when you’ve just starred in a soft-core porn flick. But just imagine how awkward the interview might have been if instead of bringing Melanie Griffith, Dakota Johnson had brought her father….

The Oscar ratings fell to a four-year low last night. Not sure what the Academy could do about the trend. Maybe something heretical like nominate more movies people have actually seen?

So we’re looking at a Homeland Security Department shutdown because the GOP is trying to tie a funding bill to a rollback of Obama’s executive actions on immigration. So where’s Giuliani’s rant on ‘loving your country” now?

Kristi Capel,, a Fox news anchor in Ohio referred to Lady Gaga’s performance as “jigaboo” music, and then in her apology said “I had no idea it was a word or what it meant. ” Uh, Kristi, here’s a hint, if you don’t know what a word means, don’t use it.

 

New MLB commissioner Rob Manfred has said a return to a 154 game schedule is “not impossible.” And ESPN responded “As long as it doesn’t cut down on Yankees-Red Sox games.”

 

KC ‪#‎Royals‬ manager Ned Yost: “I think without Madison we would be champions.” ‪#‎ThatswhytheycallittheMVPaward‬

Phil Jackson actually called out his Knicks team on Twitter last night. What’s more surprising. That the Knicks are this bad, or that Jackson knows how to use Twitter?

 

Louisville dismissed men’s basketball starting guard Chris Jones after campus police released a report that says he texted a woman who had “messed up his room” that he would “smack TF out of” her.” So maybe Jones is violent, maybe he isn’t. But if nothing else the man should be dismissed for being stupid enough to put a threat in a text.

Tragic number 1? Or 5?

September 23, 2014

The Yankees’ “tragic number” to be eliminated from the playoffs is 1.  Although the “tragic number” for watching Jeter in uniform is 5.

At least looks like the ship is going down with the Captain.

 

On Keith Olbermann’s show tonight, he rained on the farewell parade big time: “Derek Jeter is not the greatest person in human history. He did not invent baseball, he did not discover electricity, he is not the greatest shortstop who ever lived.” Wonder how long it will take the Yankees to demand ESPN fire Olbermann for heresy?

For Derek Jeter’s final AB, the Yankees will use a recorded introduction one more time from former ballpark announcer Bob Sheppard, who passed away in 2010. Well, this ought to be good for another ESPN 1 hour special.

 

 

If Yasiel Puig played against ‪#‎BobGibson‬, ‪#‎Puig‬ might be dead by now.

Nebraska RB Ameer Abdullah, 21, a friend of Jameis Winston’s from Birmingham, “It’s kind of hard for me to understand what’s going on with him right now, but from a general standpoint it’s the maturity level. Think before you act. Understand the bigger picture. Everything that you do, say or how you present yourself can have dire consequences.” Hope this doesn’t convince scouts Abdullah is too intelligent to play NFL football.

A friend forwarded a tweet reporting how FSU coach Jimbo Fisher explained why Jameis Winst0n wouldn’t be doing weekly press conferences any more… “to give him m0re time for academics.”   And wow, Fisher said it with a straight face.

Those strikes against ISIS must have gone better than expected. Because some conservative websites are in an uproar over President Obama exiting his helicopter today on his way to a speech and saluting Marines with a cup of tea in his hand. ‪#‎allhateallthetime‬

The Steelers have re-signed LB James Harrison, and indicated his 2008 domestic violence arrest was not an issue. Well, I suppose when you can play well behind a rapist..

University of Texas football coach has kicked nine players of the team this year due to academic and rules violations. At this point the SEC reps will be lying in wait outside the Longhorns’ locker room with transfer papers.

Bus to hell time: Three people are dead, including the gunman, after a former UPS employee in uniform opened fire at a warehouse in Alabama. So UPS is not only taking business from the USPS, they’re also starting to go postal.

A drunk man jumped into the White Tiger enclosure at the Delhi zoo yesterday with predictable results. Suppose reducing the zoo’s food bill for the week at least made it a productive Darwin award.

Former HP CEO and California gubernatorial candidate Carly Fiorina said she wouldn’t rule out a run for the White House in 2016. Who says Democrats haven’t had any good news lately?

 

For a real insult to Native Americans, how about the Atlanta Braves? 1-9 in their last 10 and on a  late season push to catch  the Marlins for 4th place.

 

 

#‎AngelPagan‬ will undergo season ending back surgery. But ‪#‎SFGiants‬ hope he will be back & ready to be injured again in spring training.

Winter wonderland?

February 17, 2014

pier39

Life is so stressful for winter visitors in California….

Okay, before this Olympics, who in America had ever heard the word “twizzles?”

And maybe you have to be of the original Star Trek generation. Although anyone but me waiting for the headline “The trouble with Twizzles?”

In his reality show “Snake Salvation,” Jamie Coots, a Pentecostal preacher, said that he believed that a Bible passage in the Bible meant poisonous snakebites will not harm believers as long as they are anointed by God. Coots died last night, of a snakebite. So guessing he was either wrong about the Bible, or wrong about being anointed.

(As my friend Melodi says – give that man a Darwin, except he probably didn’t believe in Darwin either.)

NBA All-Star game today. A lot of showboating and not much defense. In other words, pretty much like the regular season.

The Powerball jackpot is back up to $400 million. Although most Americans are much less likely to win than they are to be struck by a car while walking and daydreaming about their potential winnings.

A different thought about the “loud music” shooting in Florida: The easy availabilty of guns doesn’t just mean too many people are armed, it means it’s easy for people to claim they think everyone else is also armed.

Mitt Romney, disagreeing with Rand Paul about a possible Hillary Clinton run: “I don’t imagine that Bill Clinton is going to be a big part of it” Uh, maybe because Mitt is smart enough to know the GOP doesn’t want to remind people of what many Americans now consider eight overall very good years?

Forty degrees and sunny for the cross-country skiing relay today in Sochi? Heck, that”s warmer weather than most Candlestick Park night baseball games.

Southern family values.

September 10, 2013

George Zimmerman was briefly taken into custody over an alleged incident involving his estranged wife and a gun.  So congratulations to all those who had September 9 in the pool.

 

North Carolina Police said an 11 year-old girl accidentally shot and killed her 19 (not a typo) year-old stepfather when he was showing her his new handgun. (Mom is 35)  The silver lining to this sad story, since he was her stepfather, the young man qualifies for a Darwin Award.,

 

My friend Chris Eisenberg wonders how the family with the 35 year-old mom and 11 year-old daughter who accidentally shot her 19-year-old stepfather doesn’t have a reality show. Actually, I think they might be working on one: “Here comes Honey Boom Boom.”

It’s only week one but we know the NFL season is in full swing: Detroit Lions DT Ndamukong Suh is already looking at discipline from the NFL for an illegal hit against the Vikings.

Anthony Weiner responded grumpily to a question about the whereabouts of his wife on the Today Show Monday saying, that his campaign “was always about me.” Uh, Mr. Danger, everything was always about you. Which is part of the problem.

But what about feeding her family? A judge denied Jamie McCourt request to throw out their $131 million divorce settlement. The former L.A. Dodgers CEO believes her ex-husband Frank McCourt misled her about the value of the team, which he sold for $2 billion. A shame these two got divorced, they so richly deserve each other.

The Arena football team LA KISS has offered Tim Tebow a 3 year QB contract. Not sure how it would work out on the field, but any poster featuring Tebow with Gene Simmons has best seller potential.

 

The Washington Redskins are 0-1  #IblameObama

Chip Kelly’s Philadelphia Eagles made him a winner in his NFL coaching debut. Mostly surprising the East Coast media who figured that he’d only coached at Oregon, and thus had no experience with professional players.

 

 

A field goal with time expiring meant the Houston Texans won Tuesday Morning Football.

 

But really, what was it with this super late start time of the Texans-Chargers game.  It’s not like the NFL was competing tonight with real late night sports television – like a Yankees-Red Sox game.

A face-saving way out… with no bombing? Reports are that Syria may now accept a proposal to put their weapons under international control.”  So do we blame Obama?

 

It may now be a non-issue if Assad accepts turning over control of his weapons, but the GOP is saying that President Obama won’t be able to get any legislation passed in his second term if the House turns down his request to authorize a strike on Syria. Really? As opposed to all the legislation they were going to pass if Syria never happened?