Posted tagged ‘Miss America jokes’

Dude, where’s my plane.

September 13, 2015

American Airlines admitted they accidentally put the wrong planet on a Los Angeles – Honolulu flight.  It was a similar Airbus to the correct aircraft, but the model that flew Aug 31 was not certified to fly over the Pacific. Oops.  The mistake was noticed mid-air, the plane continued to Hawaii, but flew back empty of passengers.

Would have been more understandable maybe if the plane mix-up happened out of a state with legalized marijuana?

In Denver, a popular park and trail,, which is currently home to many foraging bears and their cubs, has been closed for two weeks because of too many people trying to take selfies with the animals.

Really?! Can’t we just open it again with the goal of culling the herd?  #cantfixstupid

A 29 year old man is in jail for possession of cocaine with intent to sell after he mistakenly started a weeks-long texting conversation with a police captain about drugs instead of his dealer. Do I even have to say this was Florida?

Drug experts say the number of meth labs in the Midwest is decreasing, but the void is being filled with an influx of cheap Mexican imports, according to experts. Waiting for GOP candidates to trump this as yet another example of immigrants taking high-paying American jobs.

Floyd Mayweather says after last night’s fight that he is retired. Maybe because after the last two lackluster fights, it’s unlikely that he’ll be offered millions rea$on$ to change his mind.

Vanessa Williams returned to Miss America as head judge Sunday night. Williams had won in 1984, then resigned after nude pictures of her were published in Penthouse. And these days people are thinking “naked photos in a magazine, how quaint.”

A small Alabama town is considering banning saggy pants, miniskirts and short shorts in public. Is that really necessary? A possible ban on spandex at Disney World…. now we’re talking.

#‎Trump‬ continues personal insults to every other GOP candidate. Has he realized if he gets the nomination he does need a running mate?

Two of the Rams, Chargers and Raiders may end up in Los Angeles. Today Oakland played as if their defense against such a move was being a team no other city wants.

Raiders Coach Jack Del Rio  “At some point you’ve just got to start playing good football.”   And Redskins fans are just giggling.

#‎SFGiants‬ probably won’t make the playoffs. But betting they’re now glad they didn’t give away the store for Johnny ‪#‎Cueto‬.

Even though the number of police who have been shot is actually down 26% this year, Scott Walker is blaming President Obama: “I think his absence of leadership… not speaking out about this rhetoric out there…” has contributed to police being killed.
Just wondering, why don’t Walker, and others, blame an absence of leadership from say, gun rights activists and conservatives, in contributing to hate crimes against minorities?

Making adjustments?

September 15, 2014

Jonathan Papelbon was ejected from yesterday’s game for making a lewd gesture to fans as he left the mound. The gesture was almost as obscene as the Phillies’ play this season. (Philadelphia, at $175 million, has the third highest payroll in MLB.)

 

MLB suspended Phillies closer Jonathan Papelbon seven games for his gesture and then bumping an umpire yesterday. So he misses half the team’s remaining games. Other Phillies players are wondering, how could we get so lucky?

Apparently Miss Nebraska had a wardrobe malfunction during the evening gown competition for Miss America last night and accidentally flashed viewers. A few more incidents like that and Americans will actually tune into the pageant.

Russell Pearce, a former Arizona state senator, resigned as the state’s GOPs 1st vice chair. After criticism from members of his own party for saying.”You put me in charge of Medicaid, the first thing I’d do is get [women recipients] Norplant, birth-control implants, or tubal ligations,” Now, were his fellow Republicans condemning him for being anti-women, or pro-birth control?

Coca Cola is bringing back “Surge”, a “loaded” Mountain Dew knock-off from the 1990s. Because we don’t have enough overly caffeinated kids on sugar highs?

As of today,  #AdrianPeterson‬ is playing next weekend in New Orleans. Are ‪#‎Saints‬ defenders allowed to use sticks?

 

From Michael Hayne  “Adrian Peterson needs to know that if you want to abuse a kid, you make them dress in a pink bunny costume for Halloween.”Too true.

Or you do as a friend threatened her son starting in middle school, if he ever really misbehaved she would show up at his games and say “Hey sweetie, you forgot your lunch, and I cut the crusts off the sandwich just like you like it. Now come here and give mommy a big kiss.”

Seriously though, regarding this ‪#‎AdrianPeterson‬ story and the debate over corporal punishment. Methinks the narrative has been sidetracked. I am from the generation that often got spanked. And many of us didn’t spank our own children. But there’s a difference between a spanking, even a hard spanking, and drawing blood and leaving visible injuries.

Say what you want about the potential distraction of openly gay men in professional sports – and my guess is that in a generation it will be a non-issue – but at least they don’t father flocks of illegitimate children.

 

 

 

University of Miami backup QB Kevin Olsen, 19, was arrested on charges of DUI and possession of a fake or stolen driver’s license. Olsen apparently had FIVE driver’s licenses with him. Wonder what tipped off the police that he was drunk…when he couldn’t figure out which license to show them?

 

Apparently some U.S. women are getting recruited to join the Islamic State. So what exactly do they get offered? Not seeing the allure of 72 virgins.

Hillary Clinton was in Iowa this weekend, ostensibly to campaign for other Democrats, although she admitted “I’m thinking about it.” And this week no doubt she will slam Obama for not being able to make decisions.

Mets rookie star Jacob deGrom tied a modern MLB record by striking out the first eight batters he faced today. Amazing. Especially since deGrom didn’t have the advantage of pitching against his own team.

 

There she is….

September 15, 2013

Miss America was tonight. Women tune in for the dresses. Men tune in for the swimsuit competition. And comedy writers tune in for the interview questions.

Okay, clearly the fix was in. Miss California, a Stanford graduate, got the Miss America question about bombing Syria….

Lebron James apparently married his long-time girlfriend in a private ceremony. Kudos to him for not making a circus out of THAT decision.

Vladimir Guerrero announced his retirement from baseball. Since he last played in 2011, perhaps he didn’t need to announce it? (Still wish the SF Giants had signed him when Alou was managing, they might have gotten that trophy with the little flags sooner.)

Not sure of all that will go on in Wisconsin’s football practices this week. But a “taking a knee” clinic will no doubt be included.

You think YOUR team is bad? WKMG TV in Orlando felt they needed to run a scrolled message today saying that NFL policy states the station must carry all Jacksonville Jaguars away games. The end of the message said: “We apologize for any inconvenience.”

And we wonder why we have gridlock. The Tea Party in Kentucky is backing a primary challenger to Senator Mitch McConnell, because they think he compromises too much and is too moderate….

Silver lining moment: This was one Sunday when NY Jets fans know their team won’t disappoint them.

A young man was hospitalized with non-life threatening injures after he fell four stories through a skylight at an Massachusetts Institute of Technology fraternity. Shocking. MIT has fraternities?

Another thought on the above young man.  Just guessing he got an F on that first aeronautical engineering project?

Oops. This correction in Arizona Highways magazine after an article on edible wild plants: “The fly agaric mushroom should not be consumed in its raw form because of its unpredictable psychotropic and physical effects,”
Unsaid to those who already tried the fly agaric, also known as a “magic mushroom”, – we REALLY hope you aren’t driving.

(or as friends of mine suggest… flying..)

Larry Summers withdrew his name from consideration for Federal Reserve chairman. Thereby wasting more than a few Senators’ already written speeches against him.

Anyone watching SF Giants and 49ers today who didn’t know the standings might have guessed the wrong team expected to go to the postseason. (And the Giants scored more too.)

Not sure what would have helped the 49ers tonight?  Maybe more lightning?

Okay, Richard Sherman was smirking after tonight’s 49rs-Seahawks game. But have to think that somewhere Alex Smith was smiling just a little bit.